Original subtitles

Wait, I can't write this book on making pillows.

I'm out of patience. I'm out of time. And if I inhale one more feather, I'm

going to officially qualify as a mattress.

Calm down and tell me what happened.

It exploded again.

I'm going down to O'Shea's. Dick.

No telling what time I'll be back.

Dick, it's not even noon.

Joanna, don't try to stop me. I need a milkshake.

Come on, you've never... I've never given up on a book before.

That's because my other books were about things I knew about.

Guy stuff, lumber, steel, bricks.

Not things that can fly up your nose.

Honey, I sew pillows all the time. Let's go sit down and I'll show you how.

Okay, but if this doesn't work, I'm going to go down to O'Shea's and drink

myself under the plastic clown.

Hi.

Come in.

This is my brother.

Miss Mother... We know, Larry.

What can we do for you? Termites have infested our domicile.

That's awful.

Have you called an exterminator? Yeah, he's fumigating Monday.

The sad thing is, in order to get rid of the termites, he has to kill the

silverfish.

There's so much senseless slaughter.

Anyways, much as we'd like to...

They won't let us stay during the gassing.

So we've come over to prevail on you for a reservation.

You want to stay here?

Basement will be fine.

Larry, the basement is dark and damp and full of mildew. You don't have to sell

us.

Fellas, the basement is not available.

Why don't you try a room?

Okay. See you next Monday.

Told you we should have made reservations earlier.

Rolling, rolling, rolling.

Here.

I finished the two pillows.

Oh, thanks, honey, for being such a big help all this week.

Wow, you're up to page 68. That's great.

Here it comes.

Here you are.

You want to do it this time? Oh, could I?

That is fun. Thanks.

Well, you earned it. I never could have finished this book without your help.

Well, maybe I could put your name on the book, too.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, I accept.

I'd love to have my name on the book.

Thank you, honey.

You.

It is?

Yes.

Unless you didn't mean it.

No, of course. Of course I meant it.

I didn't mean it.

I shouldn't have said it.

George, guess what?

Dick's going to share writing credit with me on his books.

Oh, that's terrific.

That's so him.

Joanna. Dick, Joanna just told me the good news. And don't worry. The fact

you didn't write this book by yourself doesn't make you any smaller in my eyes.

If anything, I think the same of you.

Thanks, Joanna.

Hi, all. Ty and Randy are back.

Did you have a good time skating?

Are you kidding?

I have a good time looking this cute and going like this.

Guess what?

Dick's making me co -author on his book.

Oh, is that exciting?

Yes.

Oh, wait a minute. That is exciting. That means your picture will be in the

cover. I guess so.

If I didn't want your face on the back cover, then I wouldn't put your name on

the front.

Why, congrats, Joanna. What a plum for you. Dick, what a touching gesture.

Oh, I'll get that.

You're burned out, right?

No. Well, good, because I wouldn't want this teaming up business to spill over

into the show. There's no budget for a co -host.

There's no need for a co -host.

Or budget.

Michael, do you want to go make some cocoa? Yes, he does.

Yes, I do.

Dick, I know how it feels to be burnt out.

There was a time in my life when I thought I'd never open another drain.

But, to make a long story short, I did.

That was the people in room five. They need more towels, and they said it was

very sweet of you to share credit with me on the book.

Hi. I'm Larry, party of three.

Yes, we know, Larry. We have a room ready for you.

Guys, we don't allow pets.

He ain't a pet.

He's our travel alarm.

I'm sorry. We have rules.

Too bad.

There, I'll take long jeans here out to the porch.

Here's your key.

Enjoy your stay.

Okay.

Confidentially, we never stayed at an inn before.

Exactly how are we supposed to comport ourselves?

Just the way you would at home.

Our home.

I guess we could give it a shake.

I suppose the polite thing is to say hi to the neighbors.

This is my brother, Darryl.

Elliot,

you're my agent. You're supposed to be supportive.

Well, calling me a has -been burnout is not supportive.

There is no best sense of that phrase.

Joanna is not slowing me down. The book will be a few days late.

Elliot, what's that static?

Alka -Seltzer.

Listen to this. This is a dial tone.

Hi, honey.

I read the book.

What's the verdict? Oh, it's wonderful.

And that chapter on making pillows into interesting shapes is so creative.

Well, I, uh, worked in some guy stuff.

Dick.

What? Oh.

It's too silly. I shouldn't even go into it. No, come on. Your name's on it,

too.

Well, uh,

this line here.

If you aren't careful with your basting and stuffing, your pillow could turn out

to be a real turkey.

Oh.

Oh, it's supposed to be funny.

Well, how do you want me to say it? Careful basting and stuffing are

That's much clearer.

It might even be funnier.

Now, this line here on page 13, is that supposed to be a joke, too?

Honey, I was thinking that here on page 73, we could... You skipped page 72.

I like 72.

I just have a little problem. The problem with this pep talk.

Pep talk?

Yeah. If you get discouraged, don't take a powder, take a break.

That's a phrase I've used in all my books. It's like an old friend.

Old friends can be tiresome if they stay too long.

And it's awfully precious.

My books are not precious.

I don't write precious.

There is nothing precious about me.

Maybe I should come back later to discuss the dedication.

You have notes on the dedication?

Well, I didn't think you'd be dedicating this one to me.

Bingo.

I just thought it would be sweet if we dedicated it to my Aunt Lillian.

The one who tried to kill me?

Dick, she's a lonely old woman. You were stealing her favorite niece and the...

lawnmower just got away from her.

What am I supposed to say? To Lillian, thanks for veering?

Well, you may not get along with her, but I love her. She didn't mow you.

And she's not going in the book. That's the dumbest thing you've said tonight.

Are you saying my suggestions are dumb?

Bingo.

Well, then, take my name off the book.

No. No?

I put... your name on the book to be nice. And it's going to say there

you like it or not.

You can take your pillow book and stuff it.

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Could we have a word with you?

You told us to act like we was at home. And at home, we wear these to breakfast.

But upon taking a visual poll around the room, it appears that these people are

wearing something over their dainties.

It's a custom. We stumbled on it one day and just stuck with it.

Well, it would have helped us if you'd have laid out the rules more plainly.

Or is this some form of hazing you do to the new people?

No, and it might be better for you and for everyone eating if

you put some clothes on.

Oh, boy.

Cornflakes again.

Like some tiresome old friend.

Well, would you rather eat these old friends or wear them?

Morning, all.

What a day.

Oh, boy, cornflakes.

Never get enough of those.

If you don't mind, dear, could you possibly pass me the sugar?

Certainly, dear.

But a simple please pass the sugar would have been less wordy, and you would

have had your sugar sooner.

I could eat in the kitchen.

George, you're a reasonable man.

Uh -oh.

No, George, we just want your opinion on something.

Which of these two sentences do you think is better?

If you're not careful with your basting and stuffing, your pillow could turn out

to be a real turkey.

Or, careful basting and stuffing are important.

I like them both exactly the same, and I will eat in the kitchen.

Joanna?

list of photographers for your book cover.

The first ten are my regulars. The other nine are just jockeying for my

business.

Oh, Deb, I haven't forgotten the burnout crisis.

On the flip side, here's a list of co -hosts we can't afford.

They are all willing to go halfsies on your salary.

I do not have a burnout crisis.

If you don't mind, that's my list of photographers for the cover. I didn't

you wanted to be on the book.

I thought someone was making me be on the book.

Whoa, looks like we've just stumbled into an episode of The Bickersons.

Yeah, Dick and Joanna, some people in this room are still in love.

Let's try and set an example for the next generation of guys and dolls.

Well, I hope you're satisfied you just drove them out of the room.

I'm surprised you didn't want to share credit for that.

I wonder if my Aunt Lillian didn't have the right idea.

Dick! Great to see you. Why aren't you writing?

Elliot, what are you doing here? The publisher wants Pillow Talk now, so I

up to get it.

You didn't have to do this. Dick, you're my client.

I'm involved.

I care.

And this way I can write off my fee weekend.

So hand over that little monster.

I can't. My...

The collaborator and I are having some artistic differences.

Oh, God. Well, now what are we going to do?

Elliot, Joanne and I will work it out.

She just wants to make a few changes, and I'd rather die first.

Dick, you're obviously too emotionally involved. What you need is a

disinterested third party to read that book and then make a final decision.

Are you volunteering?

Yo.

Well, it sure would get this over with.

I don't think Joanna would go along with it. The best I can do is talk to her.

All right, do what you have to, but if you have any problems, just remember, I

care, I'm involved.

I'm late for the slopes.

Elliot is here. He wants the book.

Fine. Give it to him.

Look, I want to be fair.

He offered to read the book and decide.

That's supposed to be fair?

Your agent?

Your friend?

He doesn't care what I think.

All I ever get to say to him is, I'm fi.

You're fi?

Yes. He says, how are you? I say, I'm fi. And he's on to someone else.

This isn't as bad as it looks. I've known Elliot for 15 years.

He'd sell me down the river like that.

And that's supposed to make me trust him?

Yeah, because he'd sell you down the river like that, too.

And that's good?

No, but it's fair.

You have a way with gibberish, you know that?

Okay, let's show them the manuscript. I'll go upstairs and get my copy.

Miss Joanne?

Larry. Daryl.

Daryl.

You, uh, you guys going back in?

No, sir. We ain't showing our faces in that room again.

Them folks have seen us down to our essence.

I'm afraid the embarrassment has set Daryl back a couple of years.

Well, you shouldn't really take it so hard.

Or you shouldn't.

Are you going to be out of your room for a while? I need to get in there.

Okay, Miss Stephanie, but be careful.

Yesterday afternoon, someone busted into our room while we was out.

They left tiny bars of soap everywhere.

And wrapped all our drinking glasses in paper.

It appears to be one of them senseless crimes.

As much as I hate it, that's my job.

So, Miss Stephanie, forgive us the bits.

You can bust in and paper our glasses anytime.

We prefer you didn't quibble in here.

Did you ever consider posting all these rules?

Well, there are plenty of other things to do around here. Why don't you play a

game?

George, why don't you show the guys how to play Monopoly?

Sure thing.

Nice paint job.

Okay, here it is.

Joanna, how are you?

I'm fine. Well, Dick.

Elliot,

Joanna and I have decided to take you up on your offer.

Here's Dick's manuscript with my changes.

Great. I'll read it when I get back.

Oh, and if this... does its job, I may have a female friend to help me turn the

pages.

Elliot, read it now. You may be too depressed at the end of the day.

Okay, let me see that thing.

Well, if the first page is any indication, your version has more flow,

Elliot, read the whole book and be impartial.

Impartial. Gotcha.

When I say impartial, I mean impartial.

Right, Dick.

Elliot, where are your damn ears?

Listen to me. We want a fair, unbiased reading of the book.

Well, if you mean it, Dick.

I'm gonna need some Alka -Seltzer.

There's some in there.

What about water?

Rough it.

Free parking.

Boring.

I'm going to go get us some sodas. It's your move, fellas.

Chance.

Take a ride on the Reading Railroad.

No matter how this thing turns out, I want you to know that what you did with

Elliot was precious.

Don't start up with me.

No, no, good precious.

You made him be impartial. Well, you raised some points that deserve to be

considered fairly.

Some.

Well, maybe I did get a little carried away, but when you put my name on the

book, it made me want to leave my mark on it.

You left your mark on every page but 72.

Don't start up with me. Okay, okay.

I've been thinking.

Maybe what we should do is dedicate the book to someone we can both agree on.

What about my cousin Edith?

Oh, that's right. You don't like her either.

No, Edith's all right.

She smells funny, but... At least she's not an assassin.

Well, I don't have to read any further. I have real problems here on P .A .J.

Elliot. Come on, come on. Let's save this baby.

Now, the publisher said he wanted a simple book on pillows. Why are you

complicating it with all this creative crud?

Pillow hand thaws?

Pillow power drills?

Get real.

Ellie, that's the one thing that Joanna and I always agreed on. Yeah.

Sure, you love it right now. But see how easy it lifts out?

So much for creativity.

Wow.