Original subtitles

Here are your eggs.

They may be cold. I was on the phone.

Funny eggs, George?

Just thinking about my crazy friend Dutch. He did it to me again.

What did he do this time?

We were having dinner last night in this real fancy restaurant.

Well, I went over to put money in the jukebox.

While I was gone, Dutch poured milk all over my dinner.

George, that sounds terrible.

Well, thank goodness you can't ruin steak.

George, he's always pulling that sort of thing on you. Don't you ever want to

get back at him? Dick, revenge is childish.

Honey, sometimes you have to fight milk with milk.

Peter.

Miss.

All right, you want a juice? And breakfast.

One thing at a time.

I wonder if I could pull a trick on Dutch.

Nah, I could never fool him. I don't think I could fool anybody.

Oh, sure you could, George. Dick.

Well, you ought to try. You might surprise yourself.

George, can I have the salt? Sure.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Gotcha! George, you ruined my breakfast.

You said I could do it, and I did.

Thanks, Dick.

You've given me hope.

Pepper?

Hi, all.

Hi.

Got a cup of decaf for a hungry soldier?

Dick, here's that material on Sunday's guest. Oh, thank you.

Here you are.

Oh, and could you put sugar in it?

Michael,

would you care for some breakfast?

I'd love to, but I can't stay.

I'm interviewing receptionists.

Interviewing receptionists?

For what?

For receptionists.

We need one at the station.

Well, I'm off.

What does your receptionist do?

Well, basically, she answers the phones and puts on a pretty face for the

public. Miss, could I have some more coffee? Michael, I want that job.

What about your job here? Yeah.

This job sounds better.

Well, no offense, Dick, but if I was a receptionist, I'd earn more money, I'd

get to wear nice clothes when I work, I'd be around you all the time, and I

wouldn't have to stick my hands in anything porcelain.

What do you say?

Well, it's fine with me, but what about... Oh, Dick and Joanna, you guys

responsible for every good thing that's ever happened to me. You gave me a home

when I didn't have one, and a job when no one else would, and you even

introduced me to Michael.

I just wish there was something I could do to show you how much I appreciate it,

but there isn't, so I quit, okay?

Sentiment like that is thanks enough.

Well, then let's do it.

And you can start first thing in the morning, Miss Vanderkeller. See you

Mr. Harris.

Oh, Michael!

My very own name.

This calls for a kiss.

Oh, a TV.

It's the news.

I hate it too, Steph. Just a bunch of Captain Bringdowns.

Well, what else is on? Whoa, Steph, don't touch that dial. This is Channel

this must always be Channel 8.

Well, can you tell them to stop doing the news?

I can ask.

Oh, now, this is sort of your command module.

Basically, the job is meeting and greeting the public. When people come

out who they are, send them where they're going, and then give them one of

patented Stephanie smiles.

Well, as they say in show business, let's start work.

The process continues as the experiment has not yet been completed.

One gerbil had locked the plane's bathroom and the scientist has not yet

able to come to town.

And now, for the WPIV editorial, here's news director Philip Jenkins.

Hi. Welcome to Channel 8.

Hi.

I'm Steve.

I'm supposed to be on your news program and I'm late.

Where do I go?

Oh, that's easy. It's down the hall and to the left.

Thanks, miss.

Michael, call for you in line one.

You're welcome.

Hi, it's me.

Yeah, I am a scam.

Could you come out here for a minute, please?

Very important.

What is it, Steph? Time for your mid -morning kiss.

Steph, you turn the volume down.

Let the voice of Steve be heard!

Michael!

Hi, Dick. Welcome to Channel 8.

Hi. Hi, Stephanie. How am I doing?

I just got here.

I know.

What do they have on? Tag team wrestling?

Let go of my foot!

How can you let go of my hair?

That's Michael. And Steve.

Not Steve.

Steph.

What?

Now, don't be defensive.

But you can't just let every crazy off the street into the studio. Part of your

job is to screen people.

Normal people like me and Dick, you let in.

Very crazy people.

Like Steve.

You call the police.

Okay? Are you unhappy with me? No, otherwise you're doing terrific.

Right.

Welcome to Channel 8 was right on the money.

Hi, Joy. Any luck finding the new maid? No, the ad ran in the paper this

morning, but nothing yet.

What's all this?

I finally figured a way to get Dutch.

We're going bowling this afternoon. Now, picture this.

First chance I get, real casual, like I'll say, Dutch, a piece of gum?

Sure, I'll have some gum.

That was Dutch talking.

Oh, oh, is that hot?

It's pepper gum.

Then, when he looks around for something to drink, I'll give him this.

Thanks, buddy.

Get it? It's a dribble glass.

Now, he's got juice all over him, and when he looks around for something to

it off with, I'll say, here, use my handkerchief.

You're a lifesaver, George.

But it's a gag handkerchief.

Now, his shirt's all stained, his hands and face are black, and his mouth is

burning. Is he going to look like a fool or what?

Yes.

Nice. That's all I wanted to know.

Harley? Harley Heston?

Hi, Joanna.

Hi, Beaver brother.

Hi, Harley. You're looking good. Well, thanks.

You too.

Can I do something for you? Oh, actually, I'm here to see Joanna.

Okay. Then I better go find some turpentine. They say this stuff is

to get off.

What is it, Harley?

Well, I saw your ad in the paper, and I'm applying for the position.

Of maid?

Yep, I'm your man.

But I thought you had a job.

Yeah, I was in door -to -door sales.

But a surprising number of people don't like to buy veal door -to -door.

Really? Anyway,

when that fell through, I got kind of despondent.

But then I saw your ad and it was like a beacon.

Harley, do you know anything at all about being a maid? No.

Why, is that a job requirement?

Well, kind of.

Oh, dear.

I suppose now if I told you I knew all about it, you'd know something was

Yes. But I can learn. Every bird has to fly for the first time.

Except penguins.

Harley, this doesn't seem... I work real hard. I know. I'm all for life to be

around. Harley, I'm sorry.

I just don't think it'll work out.

Oh, that's okay.

I guess in this world, somebody's got to be the penguin.

You want to talk to Michael?

Could I ask who's calling?

Mimi?

He's not in.

Oh. As a general rule, he's not in for anyone named Mimi.

I'm sorry, I don't have time to take a message. I have to get back to my

That was pretty rude, wasn't it?

She certainly was.

Excuse me.

You can't go in there.

I beg your pardon?

Every crazy on the street is trying to get in here.

I'm under specific instructions to keep them out.

Do I look crazy to you?

I guess not.

Though I can't explain that dress.

For your information, I paid $200 for this dress.

Then you are crazy.

You can't go in there without me.

Who are you?

I'm Stephanie.

The receptionist. Who hired you? My boyfriend. Who's your boyfriend?

Who wants to know? The station manager.

Do you work for him? I am him.

I have to go to the ladies' room.

Michael!

Stephanie?

Oh, hi, friend.

I like the peekaboo look.

Your girlfriend is a dreadful receptionist.

And she tore my dress. Dump her.

Fran, I'm not sure those sound like reasons to break up with the girl. Well,

don't care if you break up with her.

I just want you to fire her.

Oh.

Oh.

interview questions for microbiologist Dr.

Georgia Duckett.

Question number one.

Tell me Georgia

Georgia

have a problem.

Really? What is it? Fran says I've got to fire Stephanie.

Michael, that doesn't sound like a problem we have.

What happened? How should I know? We're probably into the incompetence thing.

Dick, I can't fire my steady.

Well, it isn't going to be easy. She loves it here.

You don't suppose you could offer her a massive raise to come back as a maid?

Then I'd be into the incompetence thing.

Dick, if I fire her, she'll hate me. She won't hate you.

I mean, not if your relationship has any depth or maturity.

Well, Dick, now you're just scaring me.

Michael, there's some things you just have to work out for yourself.

Thanks a lot, Dick. You can buy pillows that say that.

Where was I?

Rewind.

What a first day in the job.

Yeah, I hope you aren't too disappointed.

Are you kidding? I love this place.

You do?

Didn't you talk to Michael?

Yeah, just now.

Isn't it exciting?

What is?

That I've been promoted.

Promoted to what?

Your secretary.

Right.

Would you wait here for just a second?

Michael!

Michael!

Michael!

Michael!

Yeah?

You are the lowest form of life. Do you know that? You're a miserable, sneaky,

conniving coward.

Problem, Dick?

You know it. You told Stephanie she was going to be my secretary.

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, Dick, but haven't you been begging for a

secretary? Not Stephanie.

Why not? She's an experienced receptionist.

She's been a receptionist for 90 minutes.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you just give her a chance? No.

Well, then I guess you'll just have to fire her.

No way you fire her. Dick, I can't. I know Stephanie.

Lips that give notice will never touch hers.

Basically, you've got a lot less to lose.

Look, I'm not going to be the one to fire her so you can have happy lips.

Great, then she'll stay.

She can't. She'll keep showing up here every day at the office and we'll still

have a problem.

Gotta be honest with you, Dick. It doesn't seem like a problem we have.

Stephanie, I think we better... What are you doing?

I'm typing up your notes for you.

What notes?

Georgia?

You don't have to do that. Oh, I don't mind. I'm fulfilling myself.

This morning, receptionist, and now secretary to an on -air personality.

This is great.

I finally found something I'm good at.

Georgie on my mink?

Stephanie,

maybe you still haven't found that elusive something you're good at.

What do you mean, Dick?

What I mean is you're not going to be my secretary.

I'm not.

No. Am I going to be promoted again?

No. Then what am I going to be?

Um, fired.

What?

Michael was supposed to fire you as receptionist.

Michael wanted to fire me?

No, the station manager told him to, but he couldn't do it, so he hired you as

my secretary.

Oh.

Well, who's making you fire me? The station manager?

Uh, no.

Not Michael?

No.

Well, that certainly narrows it down.

Michael was supposed to fire you in the first place.

But he's too much of a man to do your dirty work.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You're to blame for all this.

I don't have a job.

I have no money.

I have no future.

And I have a great year!

Stephanie, please don't cry.

There's nothing sadder than a perky blonde on the skin.

Look, how about you come back to the inn and work for us?

as the maid.

But I've done that.

Not really.

I can't go back to maid's work.

That was just taking orders.

Here at the station, I had responsibility.

But here at the station, you don't have a job.

I have my memories.

How... about me giving you a raise, say 10%. I don't want your guilt money.

It's not guilt money. We need you. I mean, the place hasn't been the same

you left this morning.

You're just saying that. No, no, no, I'm not. You're the best gosh

darn maid we've ever had.

So you really do need me?

Yeah.

Then I'm worth more than 10%. Make it 15 and you've got me.

I guess I got you.

Oh, bye!

I'm going to take Michael out to dinner to celebrate and to thank him for

standing up for me.

I'll use my first week's raise, so...

It'll be kind of your treat.

Hi, I'm back. Hi, Stephanie. How was your first day?

As what? A receptionist, thick secretary, or your new maid?

Our new maid?

Yeah. I'm really back.

How did this happen?

Honey, it was awful. Stephanie's a terrible receptionist. Michael stuck me

the job of firing her. And I just didn't have the heart to not take her back

here. Well, I understand, Dick, but there is a problem.

What? I hired a maid today. Now, don't worry. It was just on a trial basis, and

it's not working out. But I can't bring myself to do the firing, could you? I

can't. Oh, please, Dick.

Honey, one firing a day is enough. This one is yours.

Okay, I'll try.

hey boss Joanna said

you wanted to speak to me

Meow.