All language subtitles for Newhart s03e05 But Seriously, Beavers

Walt, George, you're going to be there
next Thursday.

Why not?

Oh, no, you lost another one?

Well, you got to remember to turn off
the milking machine.

Well, then don't milk during family
feud.

It'll come anyway. It'll cheer you up.
Oh, great.

I better go. I got about a million
beavers to call.

Why? Is something going on at the lodge?

Sure is.

Next week, we're honoring our man of the
year, and guess who's our man of the

year?

You. Whoa, talk about woman's intuition.

It's here.

It arrived.

What on earth is this?

DeForest Cosmetics.

And it's all mine.

Stephanie, where did you buy all this? I
didn't buy it. It was free.

One starter kit.

Another one.

Another one. Oh, Lord, I love this
country.

Stephanie, that's an awful lot to get
for free. Isn't it?

Moisturizer, blusher, apricot scrub.

Is this your signature?

On this contract?

I didn't sign a contract.

I filled out a coupon.

According to this, one of the kits is
your free gift. You have to sell the

others or pay for them.

$625.

That sounds like a catch.

Yeah.

Well, that's mean.

We don't have that kind of money.

Well, then I guess you'll have to sell
them.

Sell them?

Joanna!

I'm a buyer by birth.

Can you picture these hands making
change?

Selling isn't so bad, Stephanie. It's
just, well, you know, talking to people

and getting them to see that they need
your product.

Oh.

Joanna, would you like to do something
about those crow's feet?

Stephanie, I'm willing to buy one of the
kits, and I do not have crow's feet.

If I agree with you, will you take two?

Just one.

Well, one kitten, one second. Maybe I am
good at this.

Well, so far, I've got Harley and Dwayne
and Walt.

Oh, by the way, Walt killed another cow.

Yeah, family feud again.

Hi, Harley.

What's the box?

Just Stephanie's makeup.

Oh.

Oh, I don't know. I haven't asked him
yet.

Yeah, he's right here.

I'll let you know. Bye.

Ask me what, George?

Dick, next Thursday, the Beavers are
honoring their man of the year. And

who's the man of the year?

Oh, no, not me.

No, me.

Well, congratulations,

George. You must feel very honored.

I know I would.

I do. They're going to have a roast for
me. You know, the big dinner where

people tell jokes about me. I've been on
the phone all day inviting everyone.

You're inviting people to your own
roast? Yeah, it's part of the honor.

I also get to buy the food and put up
the decorations.

That's a lot of honor.

And, Dick, I'd like you to come. I know
you don't like the beavers, but...

George, why do you think that? You never
come to any of the functions.

George, we went to the picnic last
summer, remember?

Yeah, I was teamed in the three -legged
race with Al Sweaty Whitlow.

Well, but that's the last one you went
to.

Yeah.

Well, George, since it is your night,
I'll come. Oh, Dick, that's great. And

you'll be a speaker, too?

You mean tell jokes?

George, you know, I'm not really good at
that sort of thing. Sure you are.

You'll have them rolling in the aisles.

Well, the beavers are always rolling in
the aisles.

Oh, do it, Dick. It'll be fun.

That's what you said about the picnic.

Come on, Dick. Do it for me.

George, you really want me to roast you?
Like a pig.

Since you put it that way.

Terrific. I better get started. I've got
a podium to build.

Do I know how to give a roast or what?

George, I think it's so

pleasant that...

So nice.

So affable.

So what?

Hello?

Well, hi, Mr. Burgess. Thank you for
calling back.

Yeah, I know you're an old -school chum
of George's, and I figured maybe you

might have some funny stories about
things that George did.

He forgot his hat one day.

Uh -huh. What else?

The hat was it.

Yeah, a side splitter was the word I was
thinking of.

Thank you very much.

Hi, consumer. You know, a woman's face
is her calling card.

Stephanie, Joanna already has one of
your makeup kits.

Yeah, and she loved it. I think she's
almost used it all up.

After three days?

Right. This stupid stuff isn't moving.

I don't understand it. DeForest is the
best makeup you can get.

I wear it.

I thought everybody would want to look
like me.

If I weren't me, I would.

Well, maybe you just haven't tried hard
enough. Are you kidding? I have spent

the entire morning knocking on doors and
everybody just keeps telling me I'm a

pest.

When are we getting some new guests?

Hi, all.

Hi, George.

Would you want to buy some makeup, would
you? Okay.

George, what are you doing? You don't
even have a girlfriend.

I'm not dead, Dick.

That'll be $24 .95.

Gee, that's pretty steep. Oh, it's
deforest.

Well, that's the best you can get.

My first non -sympathy sale.

Is this the shelf that's loose?

Yeah.

Are you working on the stuff for my
roast?

Yes, yes, I am, George. Can I take a
peek?

Well, you know, it's a little rough.

George Utley is so... That's good!

George, it doesn't have a punchline yet.

Well, with a start like that, maybe you
won't need one. Boy, 20 more like that,

maybe even a couple with endings, we got
ourselves a roast.

Boy, that husband of yours.

It's going well?

Yeah, I'm the king of the half -liners.

I just can't think of anything funny to
say about George. I mean, he's such a

nice guy.

I mean, George really lends himself more
to a eulogy.

Lots of funny things you could say about
George.

Not alive.

Oh, come on.

What about... What about that time he
went to Boston and he brought back a can

of baked beans?

What about it?

Well, that was a cute story.

George isn't very well traveled. I might
be able to use that.

There you go. I gave you the beginning.
You just have to tack on an ending.

Endings.

And you talk about slow.

George was so slow one day in school, he
forgot his hat.

Will I ever live that down?

Our next speaker is a good friend of
George's.

Welcome Harley Esten!

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and

George go to a doctor, and the doctor
tells them they have six months to live,

and they can have anything they want.

Then the other two guys say some stuff
that isn't so funny.

But then George says, I want to see
another doctor.

George isn't married, but if he was, his
wife would be fat.

How fat?

Oh, let's see.

So fat she'd need her own area code.

for a moment.

As you all know, I've been working down
at Ferguson's feed store.

Well, that is until today.

There was a slight accident.

I never knew oats were combustible.

Anyway, I'm sort of out of work again.

Well, so is everyone down at Ferguson's.

So if you know of any openings, I'm
especially interested in the fence

industries.

But enough about me. Let's hear it for
this crazy nutbucket here.

Is this one for the Beaver Book of
Memories or what?

I tell you, I laughed so hard, I sneezed
beer right through my nose.

Dick, you remember sweaty Whitlow, don't
you?

I'm starting to, yeah.

Well, I'd better get back to my chair.

I hope this night never ends.

Seems like it won't.

Judging from this next speaker's
attendance at our functions, I'd say

an eager beaver.

This could be you, Dick.

He's George's employer.

Welcome, Dick Loudon.

Well, thank you, Mr.

Chair Beaver.

Tonight we're honoring George Utley as
man of the year. It just goes to show

what kind of a year we've had.

George is something of a homebody. I
think the furthest he ever traveled was

around a Monopoly board.

I don't want to say that George is not
well -traveled, but recently he did

complain of tractor lag.

As you all know, George isn't the
greatest dresser in the world. I

they're making a movie about him called
Dead Men Do Wear Plaid.

known as an intellectual, but he just
completed work on a book. He did a

good job, too, except he colored the
grass red.

I told you you would not go far that
night.

Whoa,

I take it the rose went well last night.
I only killed him.

This mouth is now a registered weapon.

Oh, well, I bet George was delighted.

I didn't get a chance to talk to him. He
had to wash the mugs and then return to

rent a chair.

Part of the honor?

Yeah.

Excuse me, young lady. Is your mother
here?

My mother?

Joanna, is that you?

You look 20 years younger.

Must be that new DeForest cosmetic
starter kit you've been using lately.

Stephanie. Would you believe this lady
is 62 years old?

I'm not 62.

No, she doesn't feel 62.

Not since achieving that youthful
goal... I'm sorry.

Sorry, everyone. The medicine show is
over. Please just ignore this.

Dick!

Please! They were reaching for their
wallets. I want you to stop bothering

guests.

Then I'll never sell these.

And they'll drag me up. to jail and I'll
only get to wash my hair once a week

and I'll die.

Oh, morning, George.

Morning, Joanna.

Morning, George.

Morning. Sounds like you had quite a
roast last night.

Yeah, great. Listen, I'd like the day
off.

I think I'll wander down to my secret
fishing hole.

Whatever you want, George. Are you okay?

Well, you might say I have a touch of
tractor lag.

Cracked your leg? What was that all
about?

Oh, that was in one of the jokes I told.

Well, George seemed kind of upset about
it.

I don't know why. He seemed to be having
a good time last night.

Well, what did you say?

I just told a couple harmless jokes like
everyone else, only funnier.

Like what?

Well, like I said... I said, George is
somewhat of a homebody. I think the

furthest he's ever traveled was around a
Monopoly board.

And... And I said, George is working on
a book, but he colored the grass

red.

And... And I said, they're doing a movie
about George, and

it's called Dead Men Do Work Bad.

Dead men do wear plaid.

You know, he wears that shirt all the
time.

So, in other words, you called him a dim
-witted, pathetically dressed yokel.

Well, you know... Hello?

Oh, hi, Joe.

No, he just went fishing.

Has he made up his mind about what?

There must be some mistake. George is
happy here.

Not... Not anymore.

I'll tell him you called.

That was the Prescott Hotel. George
applied for a job there this morning.

Oh, no.

Well, I hope you're satisfied. Mr. My
Mouth is a weapon.

Honey, if anyone is looking for me, I'll
be down at George's secret fishing

hole.

Where is George's secret fishing hole?

Hi, George.

How did you find my secret fishing hole?

I just asked around at the end.

Who knew?

Everyone.

Are the fish biting?

Not yet.

Skeeters sure are.

You, uh, you mind?

George, are you thinking about leaving
the Stratford?

What would give you an idea like that?

You got a call from the Prescott Hotel.

Dick, I don't know if this is the right
time to bring this up, but I'm thinking

of leaving the Stratford.

Well, George, if it's because of
anything, I...

I said last night, you know, I hope
you'll forgive me.

Mosquito.

You really hit on some sore spots last
night, Dick.

I didn't do anything except what
everyone else was doing. I mean, Dwayne

you slow and Dutch called you a
knucklehead.

Well, those guys are buddies. They
always kid me. You've never done that.

When you said those things, they sounded
so true.

Yeah, but I'm, you know, I'm your buddy,
too.

And you're mine, and those jokes were
done out of affection.

You wouldn't like it if I did jokes
about your shortcomings.

That wouldn't bother me, because, you
know, I'd know the spirit they were

done in.

What?

What shortcomings?

Oh, I could mention that you're a
neatness freak.

That wouldn't bother me.

What if I told people about the time you
threw the lint fit?

That wouldn't bother me.

And how many guys refuse to go to
baseball games because they're afraid of

hit by a foul?

A lot of people every year are seriously
injured.

I got a fish.

No, that's a branch.

Are you crazy? It's fighting. No, it's
not. You're fighting it. It's just a

branch. George, I'm telling you, I'm on
the business end of Moby Trout.

You want me to clean that for you?

I guess it's too small.

I guess the... I guess the Prescott
offered you more money?

Lots more.

Well, you know, I mean, the point is...
And a suite.

Well, you know, all that I'm trying to
say... Cable TV, too.

You know, I mean, the Prescott's a big
hotel. You know, I couldn't match their

offer, but...

You know, you and I are friends, you
know, and I'd hate to lose you.

And the end sure could stand a guy who
could tell a fish from a branch.

Well, if I turned down the Prescott
Hotel with the suite and all that money,

wouldn't it be kind of dumb?

Sure sounds dumb.

And I'm dumb.

Looks like you got a story for the next
roast.

Of course, I've always got the branch
story.

Well, why don't we catch us some fish?

Hold it, Dick.

George, all of those were mosquitoes,
right?

Well, that one was.

Thank you.

Meow.