All language subtitles for Newhart s03e01 Tell a Lie, Get a Check

Well, here we are. Yeah, after two weeks
of staying in one hotel after another,

it is really great to be back home in
our inn.

Hi. I thought I heard your car pull up.
Boy, is it great to see you guys. Oh,

George, it's good to see you.

I just got your postcard of the Eiffel
Tower today.

It really looks great, but isn't it
supposed to be leaning?

No, no, George. Well, I guess they fixed
it.

So how have things been here?

Oh, you know, same as usual. Nothing
ever changes around here. Last week I

telling my friend Dutch, did I know
Dutch before you left?

Um, Dutch.

No, I guess I didn't. Well, you've got
to meet him. He's the funniest guy in

Vermont, and I'm not the only one who
says so.

You should have seen him at the party.
The party.

Oh, yeah, you missed that, too. Well, it
was some wild party, and Dutch was the

life of it. He was doing this one thing
to everybody at the party. Oh, look at

that.

That's what he was doing.

Boy, this inn was rocking with laughter.

The party was here?

Yeah, and it was a doozy.

Who gave the party?

Well, I guess, in a way, you did.

No, no, we didn't. We were in Europe.

Well, yeah, but Kirk said if you had
been here, you would have wanted to give

him and Cindy a going -away party.

Kirk and Cindy are gone?

You know, now that I think about it,
things did change.

Oh, Mr. World Traveler. And Mrs. W .T.

How is Gay Paris?

Who cares? All I want to know about it
is what happened with Kirk and Cindy.

Well, they went to Europe.

Hold it, hold it. You.

Where'd they go?

Europe.

Why? You.

Cindy got a job as a clown in a circus.

He really moved away. I can't believe
it.

Oh, by the way, speaking of moving,
that's what I should be.

Television producer has to be up by mid
-morning.

Oh. By the way, Dick, I think I can get
you that dressing room you wanted.

I didn't ask for a dressing room. I
asked for an office.

Isn't that what I said?

And Stephanie, night -night.

Love you, bye.

God, we make a cute couple.

Gee, I'm kind of hurt that Kirk and
Cindy left without even saying goodbye.

Oh, he said goodbye.

He stood right on their landing and
said, George, we weren't here, we were

Europe.

But they left you a note.

Oh, good.

Dear Dick and Joanna,

We're so sorry to rush off like this
without seeing you.

You were the first friends we had.

The first and best.

We want you to know how much we will
miss you. Thanks for everything and

Cindy.

That's a lovely goodbye note.

And there's a P .S. for you in the back,
Dick.

Dick,

no time to sell the cafe.

You do it. Must have 18 thou, ask 100,
Kirk.

One lovely goodbye note after another.

Just saw Mr.

Hinton leaving. I guess he wasn't racing
for his checkbook.

No. The only thing anyone's raced for
this whole stupid week has been the

I mean, it's unbelievable. Kirk is
finally half a world away and I can't

enjoy it.

We're never going to sell this place.
Oh, honey, don't give up hope.

Now that Mr. Darling from New York is
coming by in a little while, maybe he'll

buy it.

Uh, chimney problems, Dick.

Oh, Dick, look, we can't sell it.

Well, it'll just sit here and decay, and
if anyone asks where's the Stratford

Inn, people will say you can't miss it.
It's right next to that pile of rot.

Hi, Dick, Joanna.

Stephanie told me you'd be here.

And I was right. Give me a kiss.

Stephanie, you're supposed to be
watching the inn. I can see it from

Stephanie.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're so pretty when you pout.

Really?

Dick, I hope you can tear yourself away
and come down to the station. We've got

Mr. Dressing Room ready for you.

I thought it was Mr. Office.

Well, to tell you the truth, last time I
looked, it was Mr. Utility Room.

But come on down, take a look at it, and
we can shoot that promo at the same

time.

Promo? Yeah, that's a commercial for a
TV show. Something to say to John Q.

Public, hey, I'm here. Love me.

I know what a promo is. I didn't know we
were doing it. Yeah, today.

Only if that's good for you, Dick.

Well, it's not.

Ouch.

Sort of booked the hall, if you know
what I mean.

Hired the crew, cameras, lights,
engineers, makeup, wardrobe.

Transportation, catering.

That's why today would have been
perfect.

Well, the only thing you forgot to book
was me, and I can't leave. I have a man

who's going to look at the cafe.

Well, Dick, you've been fighting around
with this cafe for a week now. When are

you going to get back to the real world?
We've got a television show to do.

As soon as I sell it. Oh, then sell it.
What's the problem?

Here's the problem.

And the problem... Michael, tearing up
that list doesn't change the fact that

three burners on the stove don't work.

Wrong attitude, guys. You don't have
three burners that don't work. You have

burner that does work.

What about a refrigerator that doesn't
get cold?

Then it's frost -free.

At worst, it's an airtight closet with a
light that goes on when you open it.

No, it doesn't.

When you sell something, I think the law
of the land is buyer beware. It might

even be in the Constitution.

No, it isn't.

Then it's an amendment.

We're not going to lie to these people.
Did I lie when I said one burner worked?

Don't say the glass is half empty. Say
it's full.

Michael, I'm not going to do business
that way.

Oh, it's up to you, Dick. You can either
do it my way or spend the rest of your

life next door to a weed -infested rat's
nest of an eyesore.

Excuse me.

I have an appointment to see this cafe.

Oh, right. Your darling.

Dick, massage him. Don't seduce him.

His name is darling. Really? What is it?

Darling. Claude Darling.

I'm up to speed now, Dennis.

Hi, I'm Dick Loudon, and this is my
wife, Joanna, and this is Michael

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Boy, boy, this place isn't bad, huh?

It isn't?

The kitchen is over here.

You know, I've been looking for a place
to open up a restaurant, but this is the

first place I've seen that's fully
equipped.

Yeah, it's got a stove and everything.

Yeah, there's something I should tell
you about the stove.

Not all the burners... are exactly the
same.

What I'm trying to say is... one is
outstanding.

Honey!

What are all these bricks on the floor?

They're, um... For the chimney.

They're included in the price.

Dick! Oh, hi.

Dick, I got rid of that clog in the
vent.

Oh, good, George. What was it?

I don't know, but when I woke it up, it
ran off.

Great, great. So the vent's clear. We
were worried about it.

Uh, you, uh, you're asking, um, 18 ,000,
huh? Uh, yes. Wow, what a buy. What are

you running, a charity?

Mr. Darling, I think it's only fair to
tell you the reason the cost is so low

that the place needs some work. Oh, I
expect to spend a few dollars on

If you're not prepared to break a few
eggs, you shouldn't be in the kitchen.

Cute phrase.

Darling by name, darling by nature.

Let's save some time.

We both know how these things work. Now,
look, you want to show me the good

things, and I'm going to look for the
bad.

But I know what I like when I see it.

Would you accept 17 -5?

Well... All right, but we're not
throwing in the bricks.

Well, you can't blame me for trying. 18
it is.

Mr. Darling, are you really sure that...
He's sure.

Joanna, take his check.

Dick, let's make a promo.

Well, does this scream promo to you the
way it does to me?

No, it screams, why is there sand here?

Well, the theme of the piece is,
summer's over.

What has sand got to do with Vermont?
Where'd you even find sand in Vermont?

We didn't. That's kitty litter.

Only we'll know.

Michael, what are you trying to make
here? One of those tacky beach crowd

commercials with girls in bikinis?

Well, obviously, you have no opinion of
me at all.

Hi, Michael.

You wanted to check wardrobe?

Not just now, Judy.

Oh.

Well, I'll be backstage.

You are having girls in bikinis.

No, no, Dick. One girl, one bikini.

Look, you're the star of the show. Do
you think for an instant anyone is going

to look at her while you're talking?

I'm not doing it.

Dick, why don't we discuss this in
private someplace?

Where, a cabana?

Well,

Dick, what do you think? I think it's a
stupid promo.

No, I mean, what do you think of your
new dressing room?

Oh. I asked for an office.

I think the promo's going to work.

Well, I don't because I'm not going to
be in it.

What do you want changed?

I want the girl out.

No, I was talking about the room.

Speak up. You've got to give us
something to go on.

I hate the color. That we can't change.

Then leave it alone.

The promo?

The room.

Dick, Dick, you're talking in circles.

Why don't you give it a try just for
today?

Which are you talking about? The room or
the promo?

Well, I was talking about the room, but
if you're saying you'll give the promo a

try... The room is fine. The promo is
out. I do have principles.

Dick!

Dick, I'm sorry to burst in like this,
but I just spoke with Mr. Darling, and I

feel so guilty.

What are you talking about? That poor
man has no idea what he's gotten himself

into. That $18 ,000 was all he had.

There's no way he can afford to fix up
the place.

We lied to him, Dick.

We cheated him.

We swindled him out of his life savings.

In other words, you behaved like people
with very few principles.

No principles.

None whatsoever.

Dick, about the promo.

Do you know why Mr. Darling bought the
cafe?

Why? Because his wife just recently
passed away.

He came here to start a new life.

In other words, we swindled a widower.

Oh, God.

A widower.

That's rough.

I'm trying like the devil to think of
someone I could fix him up with.

Dick, we have to tell that man the
truth.

You're right. Let's go. All right.
Goodbye, darling. Hello, rot.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Dick, you
already told the truth, remember?

The outstanding burner, the bricks for
the chimney, buyer beware.

Mr. Darling?

Mr. Darling?

Oh, no.

He's already started painting a sign.

He's naming the place after his wife.

His wife's name was Poe?

No, Polly, obviously he hasn't finished
the sign.

Hi, neighbors.

Hey, what do you think of the sign?

Oh, it'll be great when it's finished.

It is finished.

My wife's name was Polly, but I used to
call her... I, uh...

I used to call her... Oh.

Mr. Darling, there's a reason we're
here. We're neighbors now.

Please, call me Claude.

Claude.

The reason we're here is we can't go
through with selling you the cafe.

What? Why not?

Because there's some things about the
cafe we didn't tell you.

Claude.

Like what?

Well, Claude.

Like the fact that some of the
appliances don't work.

In fact, most of the appliances don't
work.

Oh, I always expected to spend a few
dollars.

Most of the appliances don't work?

Right.

Well, why didn't you tell me that
before?

Because we're swindlers, that's why.

Honey, we're not swindlers.

Believe me, you're our first swindler.

There are so many things wrong with this
place, tell him, Dick.

The roof is bad, the wiring's bad.

Not as bad as the plumbing.

Face it, we're bad.

The point is, we deceived you and we're
sorry.

And we'd really feel better if we just
called the whole thing off. Here's your

check back.

Wait a minute.

You've got a better offer, haven't you?

Trust us.

We lied to you.

What is it? Somebody wants to build a
mall?

No. A theme park?

No, really.

We're just dirt.

Nobody wants to build anything.

Well, then why are you trying to cheat
me out of my cafe?

We aren't.

Claude. Don't call me that.

Only my friends call me Claude. People
like you call me darling.

Well, we're sorry for what happened
here, darling.

But we just don't want you to think that
we're the kind of people who would sell

something by misrepresenting it. Please,
take your check back. No, no, no, no,

no. I'm not giving this place up for a
lousy $18 ,000.

But that's what you paid for.

Yeah, but if you guys are getting a
better offer, I want a piece of it.

I'll take $18 ,500.

We're not getting a better off.

Then I'm keeping the cafe.

But you can't keep the cafe. If you keep
the cafe, we're... Garbage.

Then give me the $18 ,500.

Dick, give him the $18 ,500.

All right, $18 ,500.

$19 ,000.

Claude, $18 ,500, that's my final offer.
Okay, but I'm taking the bricks.

$18 ,000.

And I'll give you our check for 500.

I'll need two pieces of I .D.

I didn't ask you for I .D. You weren't
dealing with garbage. That's true.

Here.

Is this your right address and phone
number?

What?

Okay, now I'm going to take this down to
the bank before it closes and get it

cashed.

I'll be back for my bricks.

And by the way...

I know how many there are.

Oh, well, I feel better. How about you?

Yeah, yeah, much better. I've been
meaning to clean out that bank account

months.

You think we're going to be able to sell
the cafe to somebody else?

Honey, of course we'll sell it. You and
I are decent people. We'll sell it if it

takes every cent we got.

Michael, there's something I have to
talk to you about in the promo script.

Can it wait, Dick? No, it can't.

It's about the people you have me saying
are going to be guests this season.

Oh, what's the question?

Are they going to be guests this season?

Well, who in particular?

Tom Selleck?

We're close, Dick. It's between us and a
movie. Throw it out.

The Pope?

There's some dispute over whether his
holiness will pay his own airfare.

Out.

I'm not going to say anything about
Amelia Earhart.

Well, Michael, after what I've been
through the last couple of days, I don't

want to say anything that isn't
absolutely honest.

Well, Dick, what do you want to say?

Summer's over is okay.

So is the part about having various
kinds of guests.

And I don't mind saying we're on Sunday
afternoon, and that's it.

Okay, fair enough. Your promo, your way.

I'll just go to makeup, have them do
something with that shiny nose.

Michael, we're ready.

Dick, you can't leave now. We're
shooting momentito.

But you said my nose was shiny.

Keep it. I like it.

Do you want me to take a second? No
time, Dick. We're going live.

Live? You had your chance to tape it
yesterday.

In five, four, three... Michael!

Cue Dick.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Dick Loudon.

Summer's over and fall is here, and that
means I'll be back with Vermont Today,

the show that celebrates Vermont Today.

I'll be talking with entertainers.

Sports figures.

Political figures.

And a few mystery guests.

So make a date Sunday afternoons with
me, Dick Lauer, for Vermont Today.

Where we always give you something to
think about.

And we're clear.

Good. Good.

Good. Good for me, Dick. Was it good for
you?

The cue card seemed a little slow.

Oh, that's all right. We made a tape.
We'll tighten it up in editing.

But you thought it was okay? Everything
you said it should be. And then some.

I'll call for you. You can take it right
over there.

Oh, thank you.

Hello? Oh, honey, I'm sorry to bother
you at work, but a real estate agent

called. She says she has somebody who
wants to buy the cafe.

You're kidding.

To, uh...

Do they know about the problems?

Yes, and she says they don't care. In
fact, they're on their way over now to

sign the papers.

Honey, that's incredible.

You, uh, do you want to go dancing
tonight?

Not really.

Oh.

Even better, I'll stop by and, uh, get a
bottle of champagne on my way home.

Great. I'll see you soon.

Bye.

Well, Dick's ecstatic.

How's Michael?

I didn't ask about Michael.

Gee, Joanna.

Self, self, self.

Excuse me, Mrs.

Loudon? Yes? I'm Betty Reed with B .R.
Realty. Oh, yes. Did you bring your

client?

Hi.

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Daryl,
and this is my other brother, Daryl.

You're the buyers?

Hi, neighbor.

Get down, Dick.

Boy, you're in a good mood.

Why shouldn't I be? I got the promo I
wanted and we finally sold the cafe.

Things are finally going my way.

Meow.