Original subtitles

Thank you.

I can be so good for you Love you like you want me to

I can be

so good for you Love you like you want me to

Believe me, Mrs Chambers, you have my deepest sympathy.

I know what you must be feeling.

Do you, Mr Wiseman?

Of course, my dear. Your husband, Joe, wasn't just an employee.

He was also a very close personal friend.

Really? He never said?

Ah, yes, well, I mean, that was Joe, wasn't it? You know what I mean? The

discreet, loyal, dumb, a nice man, God rest his soul.

Believe me, he's a great loss.

A tragedy.

I, uh, I trust you had him well insured.

Yes, there is a policy.

Yes, well, a person has to protect themselves against the wicked tricks of

Very sensible.

One of us has to be.

I'll take care of the funeral expenses, help you to organise things.

It's the least I can do. I just want to help.

And a man should be laid to rest with dignity.

Dead.

Well and truly, a little furry pancake.

Needed a shovel to lift him off the road.

What do you expect?

20 tonne of articulated lorry, you can't argue with.

I bet the wife's upset.

Think he was human, the way she's going. I'd better get attached.

I hope this isn't going to take long.

A small formality, my dear. All you have to do is sign a few papers and leave

everything to me.

Don't worry.

You got a meat or something?

I just wondered where Terry is. He's usually in here by now.

Well, he pulled out blonde silk that was in here last night after you left.

He's probably sleeping late.

Sleeping. I don't know how he does it, really. The boy's obsessed with Crumpet.

I think he's after the Queen's Award for Industry.

And it drains his strength.

Interferes with business.

He's got no consideration at all.

And what were you doing when you were 20 years younger, Arthur?

That is not the point, Dave. Is it?

You know, Terry...

As lovers go, you're not too bad.

Yeah, well, I practice a lot.

On me own, you know.

Anyway, I thought we were going to have a bath before we did all this.

That's right, yeah.

Yes, madam, you're quite right. We're going to have a bath.

But you get the end with the taps.

My hero.

I'm sorry we can't accommodate your late husband here on the premises, Mrs

Chambers, but as you can see, we are rather full.

Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. I can't have him at home.

I've got my mother staying.

She and my husband hated each other.

To have him lying around the house yet again would be just too intolerable.

Perhaps we should drive somewhere else.

Forgive me, Mrs Chambers, but this is not the kind of thing you shop around

my dear.

And Mr Medhurst here does a lovely funeral, believe me.

Medhurst. Forgive me. And he's already handling the arrangements for bringing

Joe, God rest his soul, back into the country.

Yes, but what about the body?

Well, that's not a problem. I will arrange a dignified place of temporary

What are friends for?

I want you to drive me back to the office and then take Mrs Chambers home.

standing it, then.

What, do you think I make a living by being a bad judge of people?

She's a million. Yeah, but Arthur Daly.

Intellectuals I should trust.

Geezers with nass.

Now, listen, Randolph, if you want to make a crust in this wicked world,

use mugs.

Take my word for it, we're surrounded by them. What about incapable?

Yes, well, uh... When you've dubbed the grieving widow, go find him before his

liver winds up in a bottle.

I'm so terribly sorry, madam. Oh, God.

Would I could make contact with him, madam.

If perchance you have his ear, so to speak, perhaps you could say a few words

my behalf.

You're disgusting.

I'll have you know I was once a professional man of some repute.

And a fellow of the Royal College of Surgeon.

Arthur, it's for you.

It's Monty Wiseman. Monty Wiseman?

Hello, Monty.

Yeah.

Of course.

Well, you know me. I'm always ready to discuss a bit of business.

Yeah, sure. Where?

All right, yeah. I'll drop in.

Ah! I thought you said it was warm!

Oh! Oh,

Monty! You can't be serious!

I'm serious already.

Do you think I brought you here to tell jokes?

Oh,

I

don't think I feel very well. I'm not surprised.

Look at you. Look at you.

You're an affront to nature.

A bottle and some laboratory shelf you'll end up in.

That may well be, but my brain is in very good condition.

Well, Arthur, I have the good sense to have a trade.

So much money you got, you couldn't use a grand for a few hours' graft?

Grand?

Do you want the hang?

Um, no, no, but there are, um, one or two things to consider.

Cash? Red is in the hand? No VAT?

What's to consider?

Well, I mean, it is a bit, um... I mean, why can't you handle... Well, not

handle, but deal with it?

Well, it's the wife. Nervous disposition.

I mean, a thing like that lying around the house. You understand it's not nice.

Anyway, Joe, she didn't know.

Oh, he's not a relation, then?

He's not even the same religion.

But if he's not a relation, why are you... A close personal friend, no

What could I do, Arthur?

A man must be laid to rest with dignity.

Dignity?

In my lock -up?

Well, he won't be complaining, will he?

Arthur, last time I saw a pair of legs like that, I never met a message tied to

it.

I'm tired of making up why he's been making out with someone else.

Makeup. I suppose it should be heartbreak time. A funny thing. I'm

One more time.

You're right. A Terry.

What are you doing here?

Looking for you, my son.

And searching for culture.

We've come to the right place for both, haven't you?

Do you want a drink?

Need one, Terry, need one.

Good,

aren't they?

Terry, some people have opinions, others have tape.

I belong to the latter.

Hey, isn't that the bird you pulled in the winter at the last night?

I've been pulling her save, have you?

No, I didn't pull her, no.

She pulled me.

I'll tell you something.

Singing is not the only thing she's good at.

Stop. Honestly.

Stop.

Yeah.

You're right if you've got a problem.

No, no, no problem. Just a little job I want you to help me with.

Help.

I'll do it for you, eh?

Go on, then.

Help.

Assist. I give a hand, remember?

Great. Come in.

Here's some of that down you. Thanks. Well done, my dear.

You're Arthur, right?

That is my name.

Oh, sorry. I thought it was Arthur.

It is Arthur.

So who's such?

Pardon?

Terry, what is happening? I think we've been missing something.

Oh, no, not at all.

Come on, what about this job?

That'll be tough. Spit it out.

Well, look, we've got to go to the airport tomorrow and collect... Pick

up. Someone who's flown in.

Who will have been flown in, yeah.

That's no problem, is it? You've got your motor?

No, no, it's not that. It's a little bit more complicated. You see, he's a bit

incapacitated. Oh, an invalid?

Yeah, you could say invalid, yeah.

A wheelchair job, is it? No, no, no, not wheelchair, but he is very, very ill.

How ill?

You could say terminally.

Terminally?

Well, to be really accurate, I mean precise, he's dead.

There. I make a central incision in the abdominal wall.

That is, of course, unless my hand clips.

Then I open up the peritoneum. And having completed my examination,

remove the offending organ.

And then... Here,

you've seen him capable.

No. You?

Seen him capable.

Now, let me get this straight.

Monty Wiseman is paying you 500 quid to collect a dead mate of his, and you are

going to keep the body in your slaughter? Well, you can't turn down

dough, Terry.

I didn't know you. I'd think it was a wind -up. No, no, serious.

You're dead serious.

Yeah. Oh, Terry, please.

Monty Wiseman ain't got any friends.

I mean, Monty Wiseman is so crooked, he'd nick the rings from under his

eyes.

I mean, if he's partying with a monkey, there's got to be a catch.

So young and yet so cynical.

Look, the man is a close personal friend.

Even the Monty Wisemans of this world are entitled to a moment of genuine

Look, if he was grieving, he wouldn't be dumping his friend in your slaughter,

would he? It is not a slaughter, it's a warehouse, Terry.

Unfortunate term in the circumstances.

One of us must be drunk.

It's all within the law, legal and proper, I tell you.

Yeah, but Monty Wise, man, I mean, the people he knows, the places, I mean, he

could have dumped his friend anywhere, couldn't he?

I mean, why pick on us?

Trust, I suppose, Terence. Plain and simple trust.

Well, I don't know where else to look.

A piss artist like that could be anywhere, couldn't he?

He's got to go back to that filthy car he lives in sometimes. You go back there

and hang about till he shows up.

Yeah, he's old, Monty.

I'll probably catch something.

Have you seen it? It's the only way.

Listen, darling, your thumbs are atrocious. This booking would cost me

What's the matter with you?

Listen, Monk, you sure about all this?

Randolph, possession is nine points of the law, right?

So they say. So if we run into a little difficulty, who's in possession?

Arthur. Right.

Maybe it's been a bad month for death.

Terry, I'm not sure what their opening hours are.

Listen, what did Giza die of, anyway?

Heart attack on a boat on the way to Malta.

According to Monty, that's why the departed has got to be flown back so

mortal remains can repose somewhere till Monty makes arrangements for the

funeral.

Yeah, but shouldn't his mortal remains...

repose in a place like this.

Yeah, well, I mean, perhaps have a company in there. Or perhaps Monty wants

mourn in private. I don't know.

Mr Midhurst.

Midhurst, yes. Can I help you? Yes, are you the under... The funeral director,

yes.

I'm Mr Daly.

Oh, yes, Mr Wiseman did ring and explain things.

Will you come in a minute? I'll just get the coat and the papers.

Oh, it's all right.

We're not open yet.

Only the walking allowed.

Will you be accompanying me in the van to the airport, or do you have a

car? No, no, we'll just follow you up in the car.

Now, I understand from Mr Wiseman that you are in some way related to Mr

Chambers.

Mr Chambers?

They're deceased.

Oh, yes, yes.

Distantly second cousin.

We've never actually met.

Socially, that is.

Oh, I see.

Silly. Never pleasant, is it?

Well, I'll get my coat and we can be on our way.

What was all that then? I didn't know Monty was going to tell him I was a

cousin.

You bear root, then?

What to do after... Terry!

It don't seem right to me, Terry.

That's what I've been trying to tell you, innit? No, no, not that. It is.

I mean, it should be us.

In bloat and dark suits.

I mean, look at that undertaker. He's wearing a sports jacket.

Anyone would think we'd come to collect furniture.

No respect these days, Terry.

No respect at all.

Well, I shouldn't think it would upset your second cousin too much.

Mr. Daly, it's all in order. They're bringing the body out now.

Well, go on, then.

Come with me.

Urgent medical supplies.

It's all right. It's quite standard. Just a discreet way of transporting,

all.

Oi, oi, oi, you.

How long's this cousin of yours been brown -bred? Terry.

Well, it could be unhealthy, couldn't it?

Well, actually, the body wasn't embalmed at the port of call.

Well, that's a relief.

If you could just give me a hand to load it up.

Yeah, well, we're going to have to move the transit, aren't we? The key's in it.

Terry, Terry, I'll do that. You hold Mr Meadhurst.

Hold on, that'll do you. All right, all right, hold on.

Now, it'll be heavy.

It's a dead weight, isn't it?

Open the doors.

Sorry,

mate. It's all

right.

Not you, him.

Don't think that little mishap caused any damage, do you, Terry?

Can't get much more damage than dead. That is not funny.

That is not funny at all.

That is the kind of irreverence for the human condition I find totally

offensive.

Especially at 500 quid a time, eh?

Not yet. How much am I getting out of that?

Oh, well, that depends on how long you have to spend with the late lamented Mr

Chambers.

Do what?

Oh, sorry, didn't I tell you?

Monty wants someone to watch over his poor parish pal while he makes all the

arrangements, you know. He wants someone to sit with him.

How do you feel now, dear?

I feel perfectly all right, Mother.

Good. I didn't know about his heart, you know.

Gabbing around the world like that. He never did have any consideration for

others. Not totally inconsiderate, at least. He's left me comfortable.

Yes, and you be careful some other man doesn't come along to take advantage of

it. Don't worry, I will be.

When did you say the funeral was?

Tomorrow.

Nice of that Mr Wiseman to help out.

Convenient, yes.

No, Arthur, definitely not. There is no way I'm going to sit minding a bleeding

corpse. Just for a short time, Terry.

Do you want me to make other arrangements?

Are you deaf or something? No.

Exactly. That's my answer, too. No. N -O. Got it? You don't have to make your

mind up now. This will be on nice wages.

Arthur!

Not here, surely?

Well,

it's only temporary, you know. Till Mr Wiseman makes other... I'll just make

some room while you and Terry...

Well, it's not very orthodox, Mr Daly. I do believe my late cousin was not famed

for his formality.

But he's all right, isn't he? I mean, there's no lawful reason why... Well,

I... Good, good.

Well, don't look down there, Terry. Give Mr Meadhurst a hand.

Oh, and then move my car out of the way and lock it.

OK, Arthur, I'm not sure. Maybe a couple of hours, right?

Just make sure he's not left on his own.

I'll be off, then.

Hold on, I'm coming with you.

Yeah, but, Monty, I... Monty?

Wait, come on. Monty?

Oh, God.

No, Arthur.

Look, it's only for a couple of hours, Terry.

Arthur, not even for ten minutes. I tell you what, look, 50 sobs. I can't say

fairer than that. And that is on top of the pony I've already given you.

No, no.

75. 100.

Done. Cash in your claw.

Soon as Monty weighs in, you can collect. You have my committed word.

No, no.

I mean, he's probably going to knock you anyway, isn't he?

Besides, I've got a mate.

You've got a mate?

Yeah, I promised Nancy I'd take her out for a cuff.

A drink? That's charming. That is nice. I am in shtook and you're going birding

it.

Well, it's only a couple of hours, isn't it? I don't see why you can't dwell

here. Terry, I would, I would, but I promised her indoors I'd take her

at Brentcross.

You? Yeah.

And she'll go potty if I don't turn up.

Look, just tell her and explain things. I'll leave it out, Terry. She wouldn't

believe it.

I don't believe and believe it.

I'll see you later.

Terry.

Terry!

Hey, don't shut the door!

Wake the schmuck up, Randolph.

He's well zonked, Monk. You ain't gonna get much joy out of him for some time.

Aye, aye, that's all I need.

Well, tie the drunken bum to the bed so he can't get his hands on any more booze

when he wakes up.

We'll come back later.

Hey, Terry.

What are you doing here?

You invited me, remember?

Oh, that's right.

Come on in. Come in.

It's all right, isn't it?

The door was open, so I just came up.

Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.

It's an open house. This is quite... Everybody's welcome.

Everybody?

Well, not everybody.

I don't want to be your plaything for another hour, you know.

There's a drink over there if you want. Would you sell yourself?

Or, uh, do you want something else?

Listen, uh, do you have to smoke that crap?

Hello? Hello,

Wiseman Enterprises?

Mr Wiseman, this is Mr Meadhurst.

Oh, hello, Mr Meadhurst. What can I do for you?

Well, I'm afraid we have a little problem concerning the late Mr Chambers.

Problem? What do you mean? What problem?

Well, I've had a phone call from the coroner's office requesting a post

I have informed Mrs Chambers.

Just a moment.

How come the coroner knows about my friend?

Well, you've probably forgotten, but I did explain to you that it is incumbent

on the funeral director to inform the coroner. A courtesy call, you said?

Well, yes, but I'm afraid I shall have to collect your late friend and deliver

him to the mortuary in order for the post -mortem to be carried out. That is

law, Mr. Wiseman, and there's nothing we can do.

Randolph! I'm afraid the funeral arrangements for tomorrow will have to

cancelled, Mother.

Can't rely on the man even when he's dead.

Where the hell are you going to?

I'm leaving. I'm going home. I don't feel very well. You ain't going nowhere.

Please, Monty. I've had the most disturbing experience. I feel quite

Wretched? What's wretched already?

That in there. It was horrible.

Horrible. It moved and made the most weird noise.

I'm telling you, Monty, it is not of this world.

Have you been drinking?

Drinking?

Come on.

No, Monty.

What's happening with the forces beyond the pale? Where is it? Over there, on

the pet food.

The undead.

It's not natural, Monty. Shut up, Arthur. Give us a minute. No, Monty,

have read my Dennis Wheatley. You are dealing with the supernatural.

Ouija, ectoplasm, that sort of thing.

Evil beyond man's understanding.

What are you?

Prank at some time?

Here, Arthur.

This casket is ink -lined.

The mathematically silvered folder. Nothing has got out of here, and that

includes the undead. Look, Monty, I know what I saw, I know what I heard. I'm

not an idiot.

Yeah, yeah, Arthur. Now, listen, have you got a roof rack or something around

here? Roof rack?

Yeah, they go on top of cars to put luggage in. I don't know what a roof

is.

Well, have you got one, Arthur?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do a very nice line in roof racks. I can let you

have two dozen at cost price. We only want one.

Well, get it.

We've got to shift this right away.

Shift it? Why?

Because they want to commit unspeakable indignities on my friend here.

Unspeakable indignities?

Yes, Arthur.

And that I cannot allow them to do.

Who?

Interfering bureaucrats, that's who.

And feeling schmuck.

The coroner wants to slice him up.

But that's official.

I mean, you can't just hide a body.

You want to bet?

Where?

Boy, you got a nerve.

Eh?

You've only known me for two minutes and already you're trying to organize my

life.

As you said, you fancy to walk.

What about that hassle with the dope?

Well, what's a good -looking bird like you need with that crap, eh?

You see what I mean?

Lecture's all ready.

You want anything stronger than grass?

What's that got to do with you?

God, you're beginning to sound like a cop.

If you want to be used and exploited by the slags who deal in that crap, all

right, rock on.

I mean, you won't be the first rock and roller to sit outside boots in the dilly

with her tongue hanging out, will you?

You see what I mean? Now he's a social worker.

Oh, now he's a social worker.

Come here.

I beg your pardon?

Come here.

Yeah, a little bit old -fashioned, but nice.

Not like most of the guys I meet.

I suppose a Lego was out of the question.

Anyway, you can talk about being you.

What about that Arthur of yours?

I mean, from what I can make out, he uses you all the time.

Yeah, I suppose so, in a way, yeah.

I mean, that pisses with the dead body.

No, with Arthur and me, it's different, you see. I mean, we've got an

understanding. Like, he knows how far he can or can't go with me.

Well, I'll stand for him what I won't. He won't stand for it, Monty. I'm

you, he'll go potty.

Well, let Randolph worry about that, shall we?

Do me a favour, Arthur.

Stop whining about Teddy.

This is the boys' home.

I mean, nobody likes strangers parked in their living room.

Especially dead ones.

You're right, Arthur.

Landhog, slap it in the bedroom. It'll be easy.

You working tonight?

Yeah.

Shall I come down and see you? Yeah.

Do you want to go home?

No, I can't go back to my pad. The boys are going to be all over the place.

Let's go to mine, then.

You too, all right?

Well, I'll have another one, yeah, Nance?

Oh, no, thanks.

Don't eat it.

Well, you look nice and jolly.

I had a bereavement in the family, haven't I?

Oh. Our old Tom, he got run over.

Tom? A cab.

Oh. You looked fond of it, were you?

I'm just staying to believe in things.

Oh. Well, I'm afraid I don't understand, Mrs Chambers. You say that Mr Wiseman

never told you where your husband was. No, he didn't, and I can see why.

And that Mr Daly, the man who accompanied me to the airport, is in no

relation? Don't you think I would know if he was?

Well, yes.

Yes, of course. But it does all seem to me to be just...

A little odd.

Odd is hardly an adequate term to describe the fact that my late husband

been parked in a garage, Mr. Meadhurst. Well, I can assure you, Mrs. Chambers, I

naturally assumed... Yes, yes, I know it isn't your fault.

But if there's something funny going on, I would like to know about it.

Funny?

It could affect the insurance policy.

He'll go spare.

Absolutely spare.

There you go, Walt.

That should do it for the minute.

Oh, my good God.

Eh? What's the matter?

The domain plate.

It's the wrong way up.

So what?

So what? You've got your... He's upside down.

Well, I don't suppose the blood will rush through his head.

Monty, I have to tell you, I am beginning to think your interest in your

friend is less than sentimental.

Ah, the mean Monty Wiseman.

How could you think such a thing? And I don't think you've been absolutely

straight with me.

Really? Well, not lies, actually, but, you know, little bits of omission.

Randolph and me, we have to go somewhere to collect someone. Now, you'd better

be here when we come back.

We wouldn't want Randolph to have to spend time looking for you, and that

be awful.

Schmeitz.

No I can't.

I've got to explain everything.

I think you're bleeding.

Anna!

Now that's the offer.

This is well over the top. You've taken a right liberty.

Terry, I keep telling you I had no choice.

I want this out of here and I want it out now. But you know what Monty

like. He's going to know what I'm like. Yeah, but he can be very persuasive. So

can I, Arthur. Yeah, but you're forgetting Randolph. He can be even more

persuasive. I can be downright insistent. Oh, calm down, Terry. It's

that bad.

Not all that... Do you believe him?

He puts a dead body in my bedroom and he says it's not all that bad.

Well, I agree it's not a situation one finds desirable.

It's bleeding obscene.

Please, Terry, that is not nice.

Remember, we are all mortal.

Well, if he had to be laid to rest, a bedroom is as good a place as any. Now,

don't you start.

Anyway, I'd be laid to rest as he's standing up in my flat.

Er, I don't think so, Terry.

You've even got him on his head.

No, that wasn't me. That was Monty and Randolph done that.

That bleeding wise man. I'd hardly call him wise.

A little bit of levity, Terrence, just to try and get the situation into

perspective.

The situation, Arthur, is I don't want dead bodies as part of my fixtures and

fittings. Look, Terry, I can understand you being a bit upset.

Oh, but I am also upset. Oh? I have been witness to unexplainable phenomenon and

have exposed the dark forces.

I've had a very disturbing experience.

Arthur, what are you talking about?

The occult, Terry, the occult.

Spirits that are never regions. Things that go bump in the night.

Or day, in this case.

I'm sorry, mate, I ain't standing for that.

What? Arthur, I know you. It's me, Terry, right?

He's going to tell me some lunatic story and then expect me to think, oh, well,

it's poor old Arthur, I'd better help.

That has no bearing on the matter. It happened.

I even passed out. I fell and hurt my head. Look, Bill, I'm not interested,

Arthur. All right, all right, have it your way. I was obviously wrong to

a sympathetic hearing from someone I've always thought was a friend and a

confidant. Don't you ever stop.

All you're thinking about is the dough you're going to make out of this lark.

I'm glad you brought that up, because it did cross my mind, and I dismissed it

immediately. But as I say, I had no choice.

And now that he's a fait accompli, I think it only fair that you should have

half the fee.

Half the fee?

Well, you get it into that thick head of yours, something is very dodgy here.

Well, I did say to Monty I didn't think he was being entirely frank with me.

Look, just think about it, eh?

Why won't he let the coroner get his hands on his late friend, eh?

What's there to hide?

I mean...

There might not even be a body in there.

Could be full up with dope or something.

And we could be in right stock if this all comes on top.

Well, let's open it and find out. No, no, no, we mustn't open it, no, Terry,

Not wise, man.

Pardon? Look, nobody's opening anything, right?

I'm going to run you home, and then I'm going to sort out Monty and Rand off the

Red Nose Ranger, and you are going to stay here in case I miss them. No, no,

I'm not staying. We're thinking after what I've been through, Terry.

It's like you said, isn't it? What?

You've got no choice.

Come on, Curly.

Don't worry, Arthur. Just keep a stiff upper.

She's American.

You seem to know Mr. Daly and his assistant, Sergeant.

Oh, yes, I know them, Mr. Medhurst.

Medhurst. And Monty Wiseman.

I do hope you don't mean in a professional sense, Sergeant.

That's precisely what I do mean, Madam.

I don't understand.

What is going on? What has happened to my husband's body? I don't know, Madam,

but I intend to find out.

What do you think, Jones?

Well, with that little firm, it's got to be a bit iffy, Gus.

But I wouldn't have thought Arthur and Terry were in the same league as we

spoke. That's Arthur's getting ambitious.

Sergeant! I'm sorry, Madam, just thinking out loud.

Tell me, you say your late husband worked for Monty Wiseman.

Doing what, exactly?

We never talked much about what he did.

Some sort of travel career, as I understood it.

Mr Wiseman has a travel agency, you see.

And that's not all.

Sergeant, I demand that Plumthing be done about this.

I couldn't agree more, madam.

Good morning, sir.

No, not yet, no.

Terry, what can I do for you? Sit down and tell me the problem. Don't give me

all that bullshit. I want that body, if that's what it is, removed from my flat

and I want it done now.

No interruptions.

If that's what it is.

Now, Terry, what are you saying?

What I'm saying is you're a lying, thieving bastard who takes liberties,

you ain't going to take any with me.

Now, look, Terry, you haven't made the mistake of tampering with that casket,

have you? No, I haven't, no.

But don't you make the mistake of thinking it's got anything to do with

that... Pudding you keep on a leash.

All right, all right. You've got the needle, I can understand that, but I'm

we can come to some arrangement.

Now, look, I'll tell Arthur to give you half the grand I'm bunging him.

Grand? Well, I know it's generous to afford, but what the hell, a favour's a

favour, right?

Wrong. That is not staying at my gap at any price.

Now, don't be unreasonable, Terry.

I mean, two hours, that's all, no longer. You don't even have to go back

As soon as Randolph rings me, I'll schlep round there with him, and soon

we'll all be away. I'll give you my word.

It is not staying at my place for two minutes, let alone a couple of hours.

Now, listen, you get it shifted, or I'm going to bung it in the street, and the

old Bill can sort it out. Terry, Terry, listen, what can I do?

Randolph is making arrangements for somewhere now.

As soon as he rings, I promise you.

Well, it better be before I get home.

Already.

Darling, don't parade around. Get on that phone and get me some wheels.

Please don't.

I'm perfectly all right.

Incapable, I'm waiting. Please.

My name is Mr.

Sims. All right, all right, Mr. Sims.

Shift your drunken ass, please!

Come on, come on. You look lovely.

And don't forget your toolbox.

I'm not going to do it.

What are you, some kind of nut as well as a lush?

I'm sorry, Mr Weissman. It's both immoral and illegal.

Can you believe this schmuck?

Listen, you won't even have to worry about slipping with the scalpel on this

one. The man's dead already.

I'm sorry.

The answer has to be no.

Oh, come on. Get out of here.

Terry, what are you doing?

I'm getting rid. That's what I'm doing. And now you're here, you can give us the

hand. You know we're supposed to be minding this. Monty will go berserk.

I don't give a monkey what Monty will do. It's going. Terry, Terry.

What are you going to do with it?

I don't know.

Dump it somewhere.

Dump it? Terry, there's a human body in there. You know respect.

They teach you nothing in school assembly.

What's up, Arthur?

You worrying about the grand that Monty promised you? That is not the point,

Terry. It's a matter of human dignity.

This is sacrilegious. And what will he think? Have you thought about that?

Look, just get the other end up.

I've got to drag it out by myself.

Get the other end. Come on.

Careful.

You're making a big mistake, Terry.

You're not thinking.

I mean, if anything goes wrong, it's all legal and proper, isn't it? I mean,

we're in the clear, but...

If it goes missing and the old bill gets involved, we'll be in right trouble.

Look, just move it, will you?

Turn round, it'll be easier. Wait, wait, wait.

Hang on.

What if it's been in?

Terry,

you've gone and done it again.

You wait here.

So, what is this desecration? This was not my idea, Monty. Tell him, Terry,

him. I'll have your legs for this, Arthur.

You're going to have to have mine as well, then.

Randolph, Arthur, take this back inside.

Hold on, hold on. If you'll pardon the expression, gentlemen.

Over my dead body.

Monty.

Stop, stop. Leave it to me.

That is a comfort.

Thank you.

What the hell's going on here? Mrs Chambers, I assure you... Are you

for this? Good gracious me, no. It was him, you see. You bastard!

You bastard! You bastard!

You bastard!

You bastard! You bastard! You bastard! You bastard!

You're responsible.

I'll sue you as well.

You bastard!

I want these animals arrested, Sergeant. It'll be my pleasure, madam. Just go

and sit in the car and let me handle it.

An unhappy accident, Mr Chisholm. I just came to collect my poor departed friend

out. Can it, Monty.

Well, I don't know what the wording on the charge sheet will read.

Body snatching, more or less, went out with Burke and Hare.

But I should think conspiracy will do, for starters.

Now, don't be hasty, Mr Chisholm. This has got nothing to do with me. Not all

me. No, we were just doing Mr Wiseman here a favour. That's right. You?

A favour?

Well... The service, then. Mere paid hirelings. It was simply a question of

storage till Mr Wiseman could make funeral arrangements.

If that's what he told us, Mr Meadhurst here can confirm my role in his unhappy

affair.

Please.

Well, yes.

Yes, yes, I suppose so. I did phone Mr Wiseman a few hours ago with the

coroner's decision.

That is correct, that is correct. So I came over as soon as I could to inform

Daly. And what do I find? My friend, cast on the steps like so much garbage.

tragedy. God knows what they were up to.

Now calm off, you know very well what we're doing.

Well, well.

Incapable.

Now, what would Monty be wanting with you?

I have been held in custody for over 24 hours

in a cell. That is an affront to human dignity.

Not to add the citizen's inalienable right to adequate toilet facilities.

I shall be getting in touch with YMV.

It's a clear case of police brutality, not the mention of... Will you tell him?

It's your bleeding fault.

Oh, God, what's her indoors going to say?

Tell him you had a bad case of coughing. No, Terry, this is no time for uncouth

levity. Well, Arthur, managed to sort out a few facts, thanks to Incapable.

Incapable? The geezer in Monty's car.

Oh, I like to say neither Terry nor me never met him. I know, Arthur.

Must be your lucky day.

Does that mean we can go, then?

Do you know why Incapable is called Incapable?

Well, no, how could we?

Oh, that's right.

How could you?

Anyway, he used to be a surgeon.

One day he went into the operating theatre, a bit pissed, and his scalpel

slipped and a patient died.

So he lost his job and took to the force.

Well, it is interesting, isn't it, Harper?

So Monty got hold of him capable to perform an operation on

his so -called mate Chambers.

who was acting as a courier in stolen diamonds for the bolt, Monty, and used

the novel idea of smuggling them inside his stomach.

He swallowed them and waited for nature to take its course.

Could I have a drink of water, please?

Anyway, the geese ran off the track and Monty wanted his stones back.

It's really strange.

So how did you and Arthur get out of it?

Well, there's no evidence.

They did an autopsy on Chambers, but didn't find anything.

Even white ones are off.

What do you mean we've got to go to the funeral? It's just a formality,

Terry. A mark of respect, that's all.

Anyway, Monty insists.

Oh, he does, does he? What he said was, either we go or I don't get paid.

It amounts to the same thing.

Just finish off the job, that's all.

Finish off the job? No, no, not finish off the job. That's all done and over,

but tidy up the loose ends.

What loose ends?

No, no, I don't understand it either, Terry. The point is, Monty owes me, us,

for all the aggro, and I intend to see that you get it.

I am the resurrection and the life, saith the Lord.

He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.

And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die.

We brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out.

O let thine ears consider well the voice of my complaint.

Lord, who shall dwell in thy tabernacle?

Even he that leadeth an uncorrupt life and doeth the thing which is right. I go

to prepare a place for you.

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help.

We commend into thy hands of mercy, most merciful Father, the soul of this our

brother departed.

And we commit his body to be consumed.

And we beseech thy infinite goodness to give us grace to live in thy fear and

love and to die in thy favor.

That when thy judgment shall come, which thou hast committed to thy well

-beloved son, Both this, our brother, and we may be found acceptable in thy

sight.

Grant this, O merciful Father, for the sake of Jesus Christ, our only Saviour,

mediator, and advocate.

Amen.

Copies, copies.

Let's go.

Let's go. What is that, Monty?

They must have missed them at the autopsy. They had to be there in the

remains.

And diamonds are immune from fire, right?

Well, let's go, Schweitz!

If I didn't know better, I would have thought you were about to nick the ashes

of the late Joe Chambers.

Oh, really, love?

Well, we're mere employees, Mr Chisholm.

You've got to be joking. We were just going to spread the ashes on the river.

Well, that's down to the widow, Monty.

I love Joe as well, you know.

A nice guy.

A nice guy, they said, Terry.

A diamond, Mr Chisholm.

I've got a good idea.

If you keep me near, I'll be so good for you. I could be so good for you.

I'm going to help you.

Love you like you want me to.

I'll do anything for you.

I'll be so good for you. I can be so good for you.

I'll do like you want me to. Love you like you want me to.