Original subtitles

Bye.

Come over here.

I want to show you the sort of inspired business acumen that makes me a winner.

Look at that.

Goldfish.

Goldmine, Terry.

Goldmine.

I would have thought sharks would be more in your line.

Very droll, very droll.

So what are you going to do with them? Put them in little plastic bags.

At least you are.

I'm what?

Don't worry, you'll be on an earner. How big an earner? Well, that depends,

doesn't it? I mean, there's a bit of time and motion to consider.

Oh, time and motion.

Well, yeah, you know, like piecework. So much a bag. I think that'll be

equitable. What are you talking about?

Well, look, you've been to the fairground, haven't you?

Yes, Arthur, I've been to the fairground. And you see, in some of the

they have little plastic bags with goldfish in, which they give away as

Yeah, yeah, right. Now, how do you think those fish get into those little

plastic bags?

Somebody puts them in the little plastic bags.

You're quick, Terry. I'll give you that. You're quick.

Yeah, well, I'm not going to do it. Well, someone's got to.

Ain't going to be me.

No, no, no, don't hurt them if that's what's worrying you.

I mean, they've got no nervous system.

I mean, you've never heard a trout scream when it got caught, have you?

out, Arthur. Hang on, hang on.

No, look, you are being unreasonable, Terry.

You are being very unreasonable.

Arthur, I'm not putting live goldfish into little plastic bags. Look, it's not

cruel if that's what's worrying you. I've got this fishmonger friend and he

me they like it being on their own. It gives them a sense of identity, a

of tranquillity, away from the pack.

It's the crowded bowl they don't like.

I don't know where you drew them up, honest, I don't.

I mean, one minute they're nerveless, the next minute they're all brainy and

sensitive. No, no, no, I'm not saying that, but it's instinctive, isn't it?

all God's creatures.

That's right.

And I instinctively know I ain't going to do it. Look, as a personal favour for

me, Terry, it's got nothing to do with favours or wages or whether the bleeding

fish like it or not. Well, what then?

I ain't going to do it.

Well, why not?

Well, it's... Well, what?

I don't like touching... Blimey, I'm Wrigley now. I've got a thing about it.

I don't believe it. I'm caged like you, scared of touching a goldfish.

I didn't say I was scared, did I? I said I just don't like touching them. Well,

well, well, who'd have thought it?

Everybody's got a thing about something.

You don't like rats.

Nobody don't like rats. Rats are a dislike from the off. We are talking

pet, a creature of joy and wonder to children.

I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

Take this back to death. Pick up my own motor. He's way out in his den now.

That's right.

Hey, listen.

Supposing I throw in a pair of rubber gloves?

They'd probably drown, Arthur.

Bloody ingrate!

Yeah.

Well, how are things with you, Harry?

I'm fine, Arthur. And you?

Fine, fine.

And the family? They fine?

Yeah, fine, fine.

Yours? They're fine.

Oh, that's fine.

Up to the same sort of thing these days, are you?

Much the same.

Expanding, as ever, you know. I never let the grass go under my feet. Harry,

know that. Well, that's fine.

Arthur, look, I'm sorry to ring you out of the blue like this, but...

I wonder if we could arrange a meet.

I've got a little problem I was hoping you might help me sort out. Oh, always

ready to help a friend, Harry, you know that?

Um, business, is it? Well, I'll explain that when I see you.

What about this afternoon, say 2 .30?

No trouble. Where?

Well, I'm at my golf club at the moment, the Melrose. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know it

well.

Oh. Well, maybe you could have a round.

Why don't we have several?

Several? Yeah, I'd like a drink.

I was talking about a round of golf, Arthur.

Oh, golf.

Golf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, well, I'll see you this afternoon in the clubhouse, 2 .30. Yeah, I'll be

there. Fine.

No, no, I'll be there.

Yeah.

Look. Yeah, I know I said yesterday. The guinea didn't bring the tyre until last

night.

Yeah, right.

Well, trust me.

Yeah, all right.

I'll see you in a bit.

Ta -ra. Ta -ra.

Yeah, I know I promised Terry, but the mechanic's left me.

He's met some rich puffer who's into rough trade and he's gone off, haven't

I'm up to a year old. It's been a bleeding week now, hasn't it? Every

tomorrow. Well,

trust me, Terry, it will be ready tomorrow.

You said that yesterday and the day before that and the day before that.

haven't broken the promise then, have I?

Look, Terry, you don't want a botched, rushed job, do you?

We may take our time here, but that's because we care.

A satisfied customer is more important to me than money, Terry. I'm sorry, but

that's the way I am. Turn it in, will you? You're talking to me.

Come on, dear, you sound like Arthur. Are you going to fix this or what?

I only wish I could find the time, Terry. The thing is, I've got this

and there's this bloke I'm supposed to deliver another motor to.

Terrific, isn't it?

Tell you what, we could do each other a favour.

You deliver the motor for me, I go to my meeting, then I'll come back here and

fix your motor for you.

How's that sound?

Definitely suspect.

You'll be on a drink.

Ten percent of my two -fifty. Twenty -five quid for a drive. It can't be bad,

can it?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Where is it? It's that motor over there.

Hey, have you got the keys for the Newton?

I left them in the... You berk, it'll get nicked.

What about the dough?

Oh, cash on delivery.

No, you get from him what he owes me, and take your bit from that.

That way you're sure of getting your money. I prefer it up front.

Don't be such a worried gus. It'll be there.

Where is it?

Well, you know that multi -storey car park off Malmere Road? Ground level

will meet you there.

Funny place to deliver a motor, innit? Well, he works just across the road.

That's where he parks it.

All right, then.

And as soon as I get back, I'll sort yours out.

Just see you do, eh?

Smart outfit, Arthur.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

I always say you respect the occasion, the occasion will respect you.

Right, do you want a tea off, or should I?

Either way, Harry, either way.

Have you played this course before?

Not for a long time, no.

Right, well, I'll tee off.

Give you some idea of the line, all right?

Oh, what's your handicap?

There's nothing wrong with me, Harry. I'm in fine shape, I tell you.

Your golf handicap, I'll tell you. Oh, golf handicap.

Same as yours, Harry.

Right, off we go.

Oops.

There's something wrong with the tea, I think, Harry.

It's, uh, not flat.

Oh, there we are.

Is it Dogleg the first, Harry, yes?

No, Robert, it's straight up the middle.

The thing is, Arthur, that the look I normally employ is on a week's holiday.

Say no more, Harry, say no more. I've got just the man you want in my employ.

Young Terry McCann, big strong lad. Turn his hand to anything.

Well, almost anything.

Of course, you know that Lady Margaret sits as a magistrate.

No.

I never miss the court reports in the local newspaper for that very reason.

I was saying to Ernie Dawes the other day, I said, I see Lady Margaret's been

merciful to some misguided wrongdoer again, I said.

That's very kind of you to say so, Arthur.

And, yes, she is a special kind of person, especially to me.

A wonderfully warm human being.

And I can relate to that. I mean, if it's in your nature to give Elpinand the

poor rejects of life's rich tapestry, well, that is the way you are.

But I do take your point.

You do?

Well, I can see there must be occasions when she has to wield the sword of

justice and send some wicked malefactor to the nick, one who might harbour

thoughts of revenge.

I don't quite follow you, Arthur.

Oh, revenge against the instrument of justice that sent him there. In this

your good lady wife.

Well, I didn't, um... Well, of course, that's the sort of thing that could be a

possibility. Which is why you want to hire my man, to mind her.

Well, yes.

In a way, yes. But it's a little bit more complicated than that.

Oh?

Who are you?

Who are you?

You a friend of Des?

You'd have got to deliver something, too.

No, he's supposed to, but you're sitting in it.

Yeah, well, that's got that sorted out, hasn't it?

No, he's busy, so he asked me to do it.

Oh, right.

Tell him.

No, hold on.

He said something about 250 quid.

Oh, did he now?

Cash on delivery was the term he used, yeah.

That wasn't our arrangement, squad.

Hold on, look. I'm getting a pony for delivering this, right?

If I don't get my bit of wedge, this goes back to where it came from.

I mean, whatever arrangements you have with Des, that's between you and him,

isn't it?

Smash him.

Sir?

Well, that certainly is a problem, Harry. But of course, it's just

I can rely on your discretion.

I'm surprised you have to ask that.

I'm sorry, Arthur. I'm sure you understand.

Our position, my business.

A thing like that, you know. Say no more, Harry. Say no more. We are men of

world. We understand these things where others might not.

As far as discretion's concerned, I've forgotten what you told me already.

Good.

You done it?

Of course I've done it. A promise is a promise.

Right. Oh, did you deliver that car all right?

Yeah, that's all right, yeah. How much do I owe you? Let's see.

Labour, spare parts, personal service.

Call it 25 quid.

It's a coincidence, isn't it? What's the coincidence, Terry?

Never mind.

Twenty -five.

You don't want a receipt, do you?

Just a minute.

Haven't you forgotten something?

No, I don't think so.

The two and a quarter from the punter you delivered the car to.

That, no, no. He said you had a different arrangement, and I figured it

my place to argue.

Bad payer, is it?

What you need's a good debt collector. Now, with 25%, I'm your man.

By the way, your big end's going.

Now, all you have to do, you see, is just half -fill one of these bags with

water.

Like that.

And then you just... Well, you just take one of the fish, pop it in the bag, and

then take one of these pins, tack it up on that board.

Dead easy.

Why didn't you pick a fish out, Harper?

Allergy, Stevie.

Allergy. If any part of my body is touched by a naked fish, bang.

All down my left side.

Very uncomfortable.

Won't go away for three weeks.

Yeah, well, I'll give it a try. Shh!

Steve.

Yeah, well, I'll give it a try.

And how many do you want? Well, let's say 100 to start with, eh?

At what, 10p apiece? Oh, that's a tenner.

Shouldn't take you more than half an hour.

Look, say 200 to be going on with.

Do me, Arthur.

Good, good. Here you are.

When you've completed that, we'll talk about the second phase of the operation,

OK?

Any you find floating on the top, read them there. I can claim on insurance.

It's six o 'clock. This is Dickie Arbiter.

In an armed raid on a post office security van today, robbers got away

mailbags containing registered mail believed to contain in the region of 10

pounds. The getaway car, a blue Ford Cortina DYR206V, was later discovered

not far away in Vickers Road.

Police were quickly on the scene, but the robbers had disappeared.

Police are appealing for witnesses.

Where were you last night and this morning? Just a minute, Terry. I don't

the young lady I was with would care for me to discuss the details with you.

Don't give me any of that crap you've been keeping out of my way.

Well, why would I do that? Your motor's running all right, isn't it? It's not my

motor I'm worried about. That was a right diabolical stroke you pulled on

Stroke? I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm going to lose my temper in a minute. Just a minute, Terry. No need for

violence. I think I know what you're on about.

And I know you'll believe me when I tell you I had no idea that car was being

used for the robbery.

It was a ringer and you bloody wrung it. Terry, I swear to you, the plate on

that car was the same as when I received it. First time I knew about it was when

I read it in the papers this morning. You're a liar. There you are. I've been

looking all over for you. Why are you holding Dez like that? So I can give him

good hiding.

Oh, yeah?

Terry, come on now. There's no need to take that attitude.

You must think I'm a right mug standing by this.

I mean, my dabs would be all over that motor.

Dabs? Dabs? What are you on about?

This slippery little bastard conned me into delivering a motor, and guess what?

It was a ringer, and it was used in a robbery yesterday.

Not the mailbag thing.

Exactly, and my fingerprints would be all over it.

Des, that wasn't very nice.

Well, I don't want to be nice, Arthur. I just want to be rich.

You want to be... A joke, a joke, Terry.

Arthur, tell him, would I do a thing like that?

Probably.

Ah, don't play silly, Booker. This is serious.

Bloody right it's serious. Yeah, yeah, we're all right, Terrence, but what are

you going to do about it?

Simple.

I'm going to go down to local Nick and tell him how I happen to be in that

motor. No, no.

Why not?

Because you'll be dressing on a friend.

Friend? If you're a friend, good helps if someone don't like me. Yeah, yeah,

you will be grassing, Terry, and you are not a grass.

I don't believe this.

Do you mean I've got to look forward to 15 years' purchase so he can earn a poxy

two and a half hundred?

Well, two and a quarter, Terry. That was your commission. Don't forget that.

Oh, my God. This is unreal.

Arthur, I swear on my mother's life. She's dead.

Well, I still swear. I had nothing to do with it. I didn't know anything about

it. He was a passing punter. He asked me to fix the engine, then he ruled me up

and asked me to deliver it. He said his name was Smith.

Smith? Well, actually, he said his name was Smith.

Well, that's all you need to tell the old Bill, then, isn't it?

Don't be ridiculous, Terry. Who'd believe a story like that?

I'm supposed to.

Well, not the coppers. You know what a distrusting lot they are.

I don't know what you're worrying about. They'll have rubbed the prints off

anyway. They weren't a professional mob.

They were bound to have worn gloves.

Yeah, all right, they were wearing gloves. I should have known when I saw

with them on. Yeah, yeah, he's right, Terry.

I mean, they've only touched anything you didn't touch, unless you crawled all

over it.

No, I just, I suppose I just touched the door and a bit of the controls.

Well, there you are. The radio.

which incidentally was tuned into a police frequency.

Well, I don't know anything about that. The engine was all I fixed. Well, you

see, they'll have turned it back, rubbed your dabs off.

Bit of luck, you'll be all right.

Bit of luck?

Yeah, look, if the worst comes to the worst, you can say you were with me.

Wait a minute, you must have been somewhere.

So you've got an alibi.

Well, no, I haven't. I was on my own when it all went off.

All right, you was with me.

Out of Winchester.

We get Dave to support me. You've got nothing to worry about.

He's right, Terry.

Anyway, we've got more important things to discuss.

More important than getting me collar felt for a blag I didn't do.

Work.

And I'll see you again, Arnold.

Work, Terry.

Lucrative and very simple.

Not those bleeding goldfish. No, no, no, not the goldfish. And there is nothing

wrong with a goldfish. You can be a good friend.

Loyal. Trusting.

Quiet.

The nice thing about them is if they start to give you any hump, you can

flush them down the toilet.

Come on.

No, don't do that.

Yeah, he was a mate of mine when we both started out on Life's Rich Adventure.

And, like me, he's done very well for himself.

Builder. You know, office blocks, that sort of thing.

Millionaire, I shouldn't wonder.

And he's married into the aristocracy.

Lady Margaret Thompson, that's who you'll be looking after.

Bit of class, Terry.

She a mate and all?

Um, well, no, no, we haven't actually met.

Oh.

But she is gently, Terry, so you watch your manners.

Yeah, I'll try and remember to tuck me forelock now and then.

What am I looking after her for, anyway?

Well, she's a magistrate.

A magistrate? Well, that don't make no difference, do it?

Well, there is a chance I may have appeared before on some distant

no, no chance of that. She's only been doing it for about two years.

And with your whack, 20 quid a day, you should complain.

But what are you on a date? Me? Nothing.

The man's a friend, Terry. I couldn't strive him.

Well, you're a small commission, you know, nothing more.

Don't amount to a drink.

Blah.

Anyway. It'll be a doddle. All you've got to do is be around during the day.

Perhaps do the odd job.

Drive her about if she wants to go somewhere.

Escort her shopping, carry her bags, that sort of thing.

Sounds exciting.

How long's it for?

Oh, no more than a week. Two of the other geezers are back.

And you don't have to start until Monday.

Harry? Hello, Arthur.

Listen to the boy I was telling you about, Harry. Sound as they come. Terry?

Thompson. Hello, Terry.

Mr. Thompson?

Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you like this, Terry.

I must say, you look capable enough. Oh, he is, he is, Harry.

I suppose Arthur's told you what your duties will be. More or less, yeah.

The shopping and everything.

Don't worry, Harry, I've told him the full SP.

And Terry is totally trustworthy and discreet.

Well, I won't be around on Monday myself, but I'll inform Lady Margaret to

expect me. I will personally accompany him to introduce myself.

All right, you know.

Yeah, well, as you will. Just wait in the car a minute, will you, Terry? I

to get the address for you, Harry.

Harry, about the fee, there'll be some upfront expenses, you know.

Yeah, of course, how much are you expecting?

Well, it's 50 quid a day, say 200 now, and the rest when the job's done.

Yeah, that's all right. Come in, I'll give you a cheque. No, no, no, no, no.

Cash, if you could, Harry.

Haven't changed, have you, Arthur?

It's Tottenham. It is not Tottenham. You'll be in a modern transit, not ride

Lawson car.

You'll be handing out lavish gifts, pets to treasure for years.

You'll be Father Christmas every day.

There's more to life than nicking a few quid, Stevie. Take it from me.

I'm beginning to think I am, Arthur.

Respectable housing estate's your best bet. There's a lot of your latchkey kids

about, know what I mean? And remember, don't let those little bastards palm you

off with no rubbish.

Quality second -hand clothes is what I'm after.

Old cloak for fish.

Old cloak for fish.

Old clothes for fish!

Old clothes for fish!

Simple psychology, isn't it?

Psychology? Yeah, well, kids love goldfish, don't they?

And they'll soon learn they've got to come up with some good clobber if they

want one, which I then sell in a second -hand clothes shop, which I've just

bought an interest in.

The fish only sent me back 15p a go. That includes packaging and water.

That's a bit strong, Arthur. You're exploiting them kids.

No, no, no, no, not exploitation. No, no, no. No, the kids will be happy, and

I'll be happy.

That's not exploitation.

That's business.

Would you like one, Dave?

No, thanks.

I've got a cab.

So that's all right about Terry, then, eh?

OK. He was in here with you.

It won't come to anything, I'm sure. Oh, bloody hell! What the bloody hell's

happening?

What's all this about?

Terry, Terry, I never would have thought it of you.

All right, all right.

Bang to rights, I'm afraid, Terry.

Do leave off. I had nothing to do with it. You know that ain't my game.

I don't know anything of the sort, do I, Terry?

You got formed for violence, you're mixed with a lot of villains.

I was down in Winchester when it happened. How do you know when it

I heard it on the radio.

Oh, I see, and you just happened to remember the time.

Yeah, and it was in the papers.

Terry, we've got your prints on one of the getaway cars. How are you going to

explain that? I don't know.

God, look, I'm in and out of loads of different motors, aren't I? Especially

since mine's been in dock.

OK.

So who do you know with a blue Cortina?

Well, I've found I can't think of anyone.

I mean, you don't remember all the cars you've been given a lift in, do you?

Well, then you'll just have to make a list of every person you've had a lift

with in the last couple of years. Oh, I can't remember them all. Then you're in

serious trouble, my son.

Look, all you've got to do is check with Arthur Daly and David of Winchester.

Oh, I intend to.

I intend to, Terry.

I don't know, Mr Chisholm. Tuesday afternoon, you say?

Between four and five o 'clock.

Dave, I wasn't in here at that time on Tuesday afternoon, was I?

Yeah, you were, Arthur.

Don't you remember? It was like me, you and Terry, we were standing right there

discussing exchange and market.

A special reference to goldfish.

Oh, yes, yes, you're quite correct, Dave, yes. Yes, I was with Terry all

afternoon. His motor was in dock and I was running him around, you know.

I didn't ask you where Terry was all afternoon, so why mention it?

Well, Dave mentioned Terry, and I just remembered I was with him.

Is it Terry you're interested in, Sarge?

He's not in any trouble, is he, Mr Chisholm?

I think it's only right you should tell me if he is. He may need a lawyer.

I have a very special affection for that boy.

As you know, he's an innocent at heart.

I wouldn't like to see him get into any trouble.

Exactly, Arthur.

What do you mean?

What do you think?

Hard to say, Gove.

Could be right, I suppose.

Except Judas Iscariot is the epitome of truth and honesty compared to Arthur

Daly. Well, that print was on the outside of the motor, Gove.

That wouldn't stand up in court.

Anyone can put their hand on a motor just in passing, can't they?

What'd I tell you?

No trouble.

No trouble at all.

The geezer still thinks I'm involved.

Look, you're on the street, you've got your liberty, and that is down to me,

don't you forget it. A friend in need.

I've lost nearly two days of my liberty dubbed up in there, being got at by

Chisholm, and what for?

To keep Dez out of it.

So just don't talk to me about friends in need, all right? Mr. Daly.

Mr. Daly, what about my fee?

Your what? My 100 guineas. 100 guineas? Well, just for showing your face. It's a

bit strong, isn't it? And negotiating Mr. McCann's release, cheap at half the

price, I should have thought.

Yeah, you're right. I'll see you get half the price.

At least the dog responsible will.

Terry, if I had the money, you could have it. But I haven't got it at the

moment, honestly.

Des, I'm trying to be nice.

Now, if you were able to contact Mr Smith and recover my two and a quarter,

which you should have got in the first place, you could have it, willingly.

One of these days, I'm going to smack you right in the mouth. All right.

Now, just pay the man.

Sorry about it, Mr Knight.

100 guineas.

50.

And could I have a receipt, please?

Now, Terry, remember what I said. Best behaviour, right?

Now, look, if she wants to go anywhere, you go with her. You accompany her, even

if it's just shopping or something like that. And the rest of the time, be about

the place, do the odd job, you know. All right, all right. I come from good

peasant stock. I know my position in life. There is no need for that

Terry. It's just that, generally, we're different from the likes of you and,

well, from the likes of you. Say that again, can't you? Born into money and

privilege, living off the backs of the likes of me. And it's people like you

that keep them there. Terry, remember where you are.

Good God, Arad is only just round the corner.

I'm shocked, Terry.

Truly shocked.

That is the kind of thinking that undermines our great nation.

I don't know where you get such ideas from.

I thought you only read the sports pages.

Come on, ring the bell.

Mustn't keep Lady Margaret Thompson waiting, must we?

Why couldn't you wear a tie?

Maybe we ought to prostrate ourselves on the front doorstep.

Stand up straight.

Shouldn't we use the tradesman's entrance?

Lady Margaret Thompson?

Yes.

You don't mind waiting in here for a moment while I turn my gas cylinders on?

Thank you, Your Ladyship, ma 'am.

Help yourself to a drink if you want one. I won't be long.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Gas cylinders?

Welding goggles?

Listen, I hope this ain't some kind of loon you've got me webbed up with. No,

no, no, not a loon, Terry.

A little on the eccentric side, maybe.

Do you see her bleeding daisies? Yeah, but you must realise, the upper class

don't suffer the same inhibitions as your lower orders, do they? I mean,

assurance, poise, it's bred in them, isn't it? It's in the blood.

Nice. Very nice.

Well, let's avail ourselves of our ladyship's hospitality, shall we?

Oh, your original Napoleon, I shouldn't wonder.

You want some?

No, no, thanks. Good boy. No boozing on the job. Very professional.

Very good for the image.

Mmm.

Working with top people here, Terry.

No telling where it might lead if you do a good job.

Old new class of clientele.

Influence and power in high places. Democracy at work, my son.

Do shut up, Arthur. None of your bolshie fanaticism here, my boy.

Bolshie fanaticism, Mr. Daly?

What are you talking about?

Oh, my ladyship, I was just telling my man here, Terence, about the dangers of

leftist lunatics in this great country of ours, ma 'am.

Good God.

You sound like an express editorial.

Thank you, ma 'am.

I must tell you gentlemen straight away that my husband has an overprotective

attitude towards me.

It's totally unwarranted, and I only wish I could persuade him that it's

unnecessary. But I can't. I'm sure he only has your ladyship's interests at

heart, ma 'am.

Were you ever a butler, Mr. Daly?

Butler? Me?

No, I suppose not.

Pity. You seem to have all the requirements.

What do you think, Terry?

It's all right, isn't it?

Well, it's not finished yet.

What, you're going to colour it in like that?

Oh, maybe.

Do you sell them or anything?

Well, if you friends are kind enough to buy a few pieces.

Harry wants to set up an exhibition for me, but I don't think I'm good enough

for that.

No, I do it for relaxation, mainly.

What do you do to relax?

I hit people.

What, really?

Well, I go down to the gym, I work out a bit.

Get rid of the tension?

I suppose so, yeah.

Yes.

I get very tense at times.

Don't we all?

Have you always done this sort of thing?

Looking after people?

Well, mostly, yeah.

There's a lot I can do, really.

What's your relationship with Mr Daly?

Oh, he's just a mate. Well, he gets me a few jobs now and again.

Funny chap.

Like a character from the 50s, almost.

Yeah. I suppose he does live in the past a bit.

No, it's all right. We'll get on well. Like the old couple?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Look, if you're bored and you like exercise, my dog could do with a daily

constitutional. Well, of course, yeah, if you want me to, Lady Thompson.

Maggie? Pardon? Call me Maggie.

No, I couldn't do that. Oh, please.

To tell the truth, I got awfully bored with this sort of ladyship stuff.

Well, all right, then. Maggie?

Arthur's going to love that.

Oh, some of this stuff is rubbish, Stevie.

How do you mean it was dodgy?

Some of the parents are getting the right hump.

One of them chased after me today.

Some of the stuff the kids bring out is brand new.

Here, look at this. Still in the bleeding cellophane wrapper.

No, no, no. That is to protect it from the dust.

Early indoors does it all the time.

Oh, good idea.

No, no, you see, that is what I call quality... Hello.

Got you.

Blimey, Arthur.

I am not a dishonest man, Stevie. This will be returned to its owner intact.

How are you going to do that? I don't know what kid I got it off of. There is

the man's driving licence with his name and address.

I shall post it back to him.

down the bank, Terry?

Keep you busy, I think.

No, not really.

I've got a little care.

Oh, that's why I like to see my son.

You being conscientious about your work, I'm sure her ladyship appreciates it.

Maggie's all right, sounds.

Maggie? I hope you don't call her that to her face.

That's what she wants me to call her.

That don't seem right.

What are you doing here anyway? Oh, I just came to check up. Everything's all

right, is it?

Yeah, great.

Oh, you're right, it's a duddle.

She's terrific, Bird.

Bird? Terry?

Lady ships are not birds. That is definitely out of order.

Had you, um, had you done anything else, has she?

What, a lady ship? No, not that.

Work. No, not really, no.

I've got to shoot. We're going shopping this afternoon. See you later.

Oh.

You don't really expect us to believe there's a cotton ball door under you,

Terry? I'm telling you the truth, Mr Chisholm. Honestly.

Lady Margaret Thompson?

The magistrate?

Yeah, I've been minding her for a few days, haven't I? That's how I earn a

living. Hubs and mugs is all you mind, Terry. Not highly respected citizens

Lady Margaret Thompson.

Hello, darling.

Had a good day?

Darling?

Who's the young man that's supposed to be here?

Young man, darling.

Hello, yes? Is that Mr Thompson?

Speaking. I have Detective Sergeant Chisholm for you. Detective Sergeant

Chisholm. Is Lady Margaret there, please?

Yes, she is.

What do you think we are, idiots?

She's never heard of you, and neither has her husband.

What about flying?

You ask Arthur.

Oh, Arthur Daly.

Yeah, he got me a bleeding job.

Listen, she asked me to look after the bag while she went for a walk round,

right? Buying things.

Well, I suppose she was buying things.

Then suddenly she wasn't there. I thought I caught a glimpse of her and

when I followed her out.

Well, it's the truth.

Did you at any time see him in the company of another person, Mr Connors?

Not for a moment.

And was he or was he not acting suspiciously?

Extremely so. Ah, do leave off. Which is, of course, why I apprehended him.

I'm not often wrong, Sergeant.

I've been in this business a long time.

And there's the evidence.

Well, there you are, Terry.

Caught in the act.

Clacked.

And this time, a concocted alibi isn't going to get you out of it.

This is the busiest part of the week for me.

It's a lot of stuff.

Something cost me money.

I really don't see the necessity of you dragging me down here.

I've told you all I know.

Of course I'm damn well worried.

Yes. Oh, she'll have to stay in, of course.

Yes, Doctor, I think she should.

I'm sorry, Terry. I would help you if I could. You know that.

I don't know how you came to think up such a story.

Is that knock on the head you had the other day?

What knock? What knock?

You don't even remember.

He should be in hospital. He's sick, Mr Chisholm. He shouldn't be dubbed up

here. Arthur, he should be in the nick.

That's where he's going to be very shortly. Will you tell him? No, no, no.

upset yourself, Terry. Now, calm down. I will take care of everything.

Psychiatrist, best medical attention, stand on me.

Now, how about a nice drop of bail for the boy, Mr Chisholm?

Always one for the little joke, weren't you, Arthur?

You let me down badly, Arthur.

How can you say that? I am the cruel victim of a whim of fate.

The best laid plan of mouse and man, Harry.

He should have stayed with her.

Look, I could have supported Terry's story. I could have told the police the

truth, but I didn't.

I kept you out of it. A lot of bloody good that will do.

If that idiot gets up in court and tells his story, the damage will be done.

Whether they believe the story or not. Can't you have a word with our ladyship?

Arthur, I have told you it is a sickness with her.

She doesn't know she's doing it.

At least she won't acknowledge the fact that she does.

Maybe she doesn't, I don't know.

The thing is, you did tell him, didn't you?

Tell him? That idiot minder of yours, you did tell him about Lady Margaret's

sickness. Yeah, yeah, sort of. What do you mean, sort of?

Well, I said stick with her at all times.

God almighty, you haven't told him. No, no, look, Terry is a very funny lad. If

he thinks anything is slightly illegal... God almighty.

But look, if he'd seen anything happening, he'd have done something

wouldn't he? To protect himself. I mean, that stands to reason.

That's the bloody point of the exercise.

If you didn't explain to him, how would he know what to do?

Lady Margaret's very clever at this sort of thing, you know. No, look, perhaps,

just perhaps, I have made a slight tactical error. But there is no reason

shouldn't sort things out.

and save ourselves aggravation.

We are both resourceful men. You know lots of influential people.

Someone high up in the local constabulary.

Word to the wise, that sort of thing.

What was the sense in bringing you?

Oh, be reasonable, Harry. I can't leave Terry in it.

Harry?

Wait for me, Harry.

Oh, can I help you, Gav?

Oh, that's your suit, is it? The kid gave it to me. I gave him a goldfish for

it.

Well, what can I do? I mean, what can I do?

Well, you give evidence on his behalf and say what really happened. No,

going to take my word or Terry's against that of the aristocracy, are they?

You can rely on me for moral support, Arthur. You.

If it hadn't been for you conning Terry with that motor, at least I'd have

managed to get Chisholm to let him have a bit of bail.

Be fair, Arthur. It was me that was conned. Yeah, Terry who's dropped in a

by both of you.

I don't know. You do your best to try and help people and... Oh, my good God.

What's happened to you?

What do you think?

He's looking me a right hand at, isn't he?

Bleeding goldfish.

Listen, I'm innocent.

There is no way I'm going to plead guilty for something I didn't do.

I don't see you've got much choice, Terry.

Oh, do leave it out.

I mean, you know I didn't do it. All I know is that you and your fellow

conspirator here have given me a story that's going to be laughed at a call.

Conspirator? I demand to speak to my lawyer.

Shut it, Arthur, will you? This is a gross breach of human rights and a

diabolical abuse of police power.

I wish to make a formal protest.

Arthur, I'll tell you this once only.

You are only walking free because I give you licence.

I only put up with you because I'm too busy trying to capture real villains and

can't be pissed about with a bit of petty.

You want to make a formal complaint, that's fine with me.

It'd be no problem to get a warrant and take a look at the goods and chattels

you've got tucked away in that lock -up of yours. Take my meaning.

But do something. I'm being fitted up here, aren't I?

I mean, you know Thompson. You can prove it. He's right, Mr Chisholm.

Mr Thompson's never heard of you. Never heard of...

Look, we grew up in the same street. I played golf with a man.

I don't care if you claim to sleep with him, Arthur.

When it comes to your word against his, there's no contest.

Listen, I can subpoena him and his wife, get them in court under oath. They'll

have to tell the truth. Such touching faith.

Well, I know their house. I can describe it. I mean, that proves I know them,

doesn't it? Oh, that's interesting.

They were burgled a couple of months ago.

Oh, do leave it out. You're not sticking that on me at all.

I'm just trying to point out the facts of life to you, Terry.

In case I'm not getting through to you, it goes something like this.

Lady Margaret is not only a magistrate, she's a well -respected and liked member

of the community, well -known for her various good works in the field of

charity.

You, Terry, are a nobody, a nobody with form at that.

Me, I'm just a hard -working cop who likes to get through the day with the

aggravation, which means I don't want to spend time doing unnecessary paperwork,

calling unnecessary witnesses.

and wasting hours in court on what is a cut and dried case.

Now, you may or may not be innocent, but frankly, I don't care.

Because you, and you, Arthur, are well overdue for a warning.

Take my meaning?

Listen, hold on. Why don't you take me to see the lady, eh? Let him confront

her. I mean, I don't understand it. She seems so nice.

Can't do, I'm afraid, Terry.

Seems she's had some sort of nervous breakdown.

Mr Thompson has her in a private sanatorium.

Where she is incommunicado to the likes of you and me.

God, this is ridiculous.

Well, not really. You could look on it as a bit of a result.

I mean, that Kentish town blag's still on the cards, isn't it?

The thing is, I can't drop this oisting charge because the storm won't oppress

it. And there's no out from that.

So I'll tell you what I'll do.

You cop a plea and I'll try and make it easy for you.

Leave out some of your past form and the verbals.

So you've been cooperative, what have you?

It's the best I can do.

It's terrific in here.

Every cloud has its silver lining, Terry. At least it means I can

into the box on your behalf as a character witness.

I swear by almighty God, the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole

truth, and nothing but the truth. Stand on me.

Mr. Daly, I mean, would you please tell the court your name, address, and

occupation?

My worship.

My name is Arthur Edward Daly.

I reside at 18 Arcadia Avenue.

That is the upmarket end of West 14, you understand.

I am what you might call a successful businessman and entrepreneur.

You know, imports, exports, that sort of thing.

I also have connections in the world of show business.

And how long have you known my client, Mr McCann?

Oh, must be knocking on seven years.

And would you say that you got to know him well at that time?

Terry, oh, that is Mr McCann, has become a very reliable worker.

And yes, I like to think a friend in the time I have known him.

I think I can in all honesty say I know the boy very well. Would you say he was

basically an honest and trustworthy person?

Without hesitation.

That isn't what his record shows, Mr. Daly.

Cannot a man ever be forgiven the mistakes of an immature past?

Cannot he ever throw off the tackles of that tyrant vice?

Must he forever stand condemned?

Now, I wonder if you could tell his worship in very general terms, you

understand, something more substantial about Mr. McCann's character and

background.

Terence McCann is one of life's orphans, my lordship.

Orphan, Mr. Daly?

I understand he lived with his parents.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I meant one of life's spiritual orphans, your lordship.

I have not as yet aspired to the high court, Mr. Daly.

Your worship.

is the correct form of grace.

Of course, Your Worship.

May I continue?

If you must.

When young Terence fell under what I might call my protective wing, he was a

young soul in torment with remorse and guilt for his unbalanced past.

He was searching for a meaning in life, a direction.

I like to think, in my own modest way, that I gave him that meaning, I gave him

that direction.

It wasn't easy. No, no, no, no, no. I will readily admit there were times when

the going was tough.

But I recognised the dangers of a recidivist nature.

And I won through.

Yes, I won through. Terry's ruckus of Arthur's a friend. And why?

Repairable daughter. I gave him trust and he respected me for it and became

trustworthy in return.

That boy is as honest as the day is long.

He sits there, a pitiful victim of an aberration brought about temporarily by

bloat and a head.

A cruel accident.

Is he to be martyred for that?

And he doesn't smoke, either.

Yes, well, thank you, Mr. Bailey. Not at all, Your Worship.

Well, you may step down.

Thank you, Your Lordship.

Terence, the cat.

Will you please stand up?

Stand up, please.

Terence McCann, you have pleaded guilty to an offence which is unfortunately

becoming all too common these days.

Day after day, people like yourself troop through this courtroom offering up

feeble excuses for their greed and irresponsibility.

In your case, we've been told this is due to a blow on the head.

But there has been no medical evidence brought forward to support such a claim.

Theft is theft, McCann.

And the shopkeepers of this country deserve to be protected from thieves.

The therefore defendant to this court is six months imprisonment.

However, as you have kept out of trouble for some time,

It will be suspended for two years, that is to say, if you commit any offence

within the next two years, you will almost certainly have to serve this

for six months.

So go away and keep out of trouble.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Mr Chisholm.

What did I tell you?

Suspended sentence, not even a fine. That's as good as getting slung, Terry.

told you you could rely on... Don't say another word, all right? Or I'm liable

to forget how you saved me from myself all these years. Terry!

How could you? After all I said in there on your behalf.

Look, look, you owe your freedom to me, mate. No mistake about that.

You saw his worship?

Impressed? Impressed? It was bleeding humiliating. Who do you think you were

there, Hamlet? Well, I thought Arthur spoke up very well.

He did you a right turn.

Gave him a right turn, more like.

Now listen, you two.

I've got a conviction for theft down to you, right? So if you think I'm going to

be grateful for any help you may have given me, forget it.

And as for you, in the future, leave me alone.

Now, Terry, look.

No, no, no, just forget about it.

It's all over.

What we've got to think about now is getting you a bit of work.

I didn't tell you about my scheme for the goldfish, did I?

Stevie Taylor had a go at it, but he was no good. He's the wrong type, you know

what I mean?

Terry?

Terry!

situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

If you keep me near, I'll be so good for you.

I'm gonna help you.