Original subtitles

I can be so good for you.

I can be

so

good for you.

I can be so good for you.

Hey, Dad, you'll like this one.

Listen.

A bloke goes into a pub with a chimpanzee. With a chimp over 18?

I don't know. It doesn't matter.

It may not matter to you, Arthur.

But I'm going to lose my license serving chimps under 18.

I'm sorry, Arthur. Go on.

Well, the fella says, the one with the chimp, he says to the barman, pint of

best and half for my friend here, the, uh... Yeah, yeah, I know. The monkey.

Yeah, yeah. Go on.

So the barman takes one look. I mean, he has to lean right over the counter,

because chimps are not all that big. I mean, this one's about... Who's decided

all that important, Arthur?

I am trying to set the scene for you, Dave.

Anyway, the barman says, where did you find it, the chimp?

And the fella says, I found it wandering round the garden, and I don't know what

to do with it.

So the barman says, why don't you take it to the zoo?

And the bloke says...

I took it to the zoo this morning.

This afternoon I am taking it to the pictures.

Nice one, Arthur.

You could have said you'd heard it.

Well, I hadn't. I just guessed.

Guess the life of Dave.

What? Look at that dog.

He's a club gentleman, not a pet shop.

I thought you were supposed to be exercising that beast, not dragging it

out of boozers.

I'm the one who's being exercised, Arthur.

Tell you what, Fido here could drink this place dry and still be panting for

totter. It's the worst number you've ever dreamed up.

You can't be choosy these days, Terry. There's a recession on.

Oh, you don't see that, can you? Look, what you see here is the result of hard

work. Sweat on my brow.

My brow, you mean?

God. Are you paying cash, Arthur?

Wonders will never see.

What are you doing?

Just looking at a queen, blinking at the light.

What's the trouble with television?

Everyone thinks they're Jeff or Carrot.

Over here, Terry.

As a matter of fact, I do want to discuss business with you. No dogs.

No, no dogs.

The Lord has done some business, not talked about it.

These past few weeks have hardly been a relentless grind, have they? The tide

has turned, my lad. The wind has changed.

The downturn has bottomed out, as they say in the FT.

A lot of words, Arthur.

How would you fancy yourself behind the wheel of a Mercedes?

450 S here.

Who's that a puncture? No, no, no, no, not mending it.

Driving it.

Oh, yeah?

Straight up.

So, Mr. Lilly, you want someone to drive him round for a couple of weeks, keep

an eye on his motor, you know, make sure nobody nicks his hubcaps, that sort of

thing. Your secretary phoned.

His regular driver's on holiday.

Well, I must say, I thought you'd be a bit more impressed than that, Terence.

It's not often you get a cushy number like that.

No, I'm waiting for the catch.

There's no catch.

That'll be the day.

All right, all right, I'll get someone else.

No, no, no. Hold on, hold on.

I mean, think of it, Terry.

Two weeks living like the quality.

Air conditioning, electric windows,

in -car entertainment,

retractable aerial.

Well, who could resist a retractable aerial?

Good boy.

Now, I hate to seem vulgar, but is there any money involved?

Is there any money involved?

250 per week.

Cash. All yours.

Net. No deductions.

No vat, no tax.

No kidding?

No, kosher. That's the address.

Somewhere in Purley.

Well, we don't want to keep manging around, do we?

Jumbo here wants a quickie. Here you go.

What? Then you can take him home afterwards, can't you?

Terry.

He likes a pint.

Draft.

Yes. I understand you needed... Rose.

Rose Mallis.

Good Lord.

Terry here.

McCann. Are you going to say it or shall I?

Say what?

It's a small world.

No, you say it.

Well, come on in, Terry.

There's been a lot of soap passed under the old wedding ring since we last met,

eh?

No, I'm not married.

Bigger a speech now.

Oh.

Well, listen, don't you?

So, how's Charlie? Still eating his cauliflower cheese every Tuesday.

Charlie's got a new lawyer.

He reckons with a bit of luck he should be out in five more years. Five years,

eh? Well, listen, did he ever find out about... Well, you know.

Terry, I'm not one to kiss and tell.

No, no, I mean the buried money.

Oh, oh, yeah, I told him about that. He was very understanding.

Charlie Mellors, understanding?

Got to be kidding.

The Dillinger of Dagenham, he's about as understanding as a piranha with

bellyache. Terry, I have a confession to make.

There's a church down the road.

There isn't anyone called Mr Lily.

Go on. You'll be telling me next there's no such thing as the tooth fairy.

It was me you rang.

You little tinker.

I thought, well, we got on very well last time, didn't we?

I always like to have people I get on with working for me.

Well, yeah, we did get on pretty well, didn't we?

Mr Lily.

Get it?

Get what?

Well, I still got that flower shop, you know.

Oh, see, Lily.

Yeah, nice one. How's it going, the old shop?

Oh, still need someone to run it properly.

A top -flight man with his wits about him.

Yeah? Well, don't we all, really?

Hold on, Rose.

One thing at a time, eh?

Now, you've got thousands of pounds worth of motorcycling out there. Now, I

told you need someone to drive it who could also keep an eye on it. That's

right, love.

Yeah, that's right. It's me.

So from now on, you just tell me where you want to go and I'll drive you there.

Ah, you don't meet many fellows like you these days, Terry.

Don't you?

Men with a sense of purpose.

Drive.

No messing about.

Men who get on with it.

Well, let's get on with it, eh?

The keys.

The keys, madam.

The old flower game must be coining it in.

See what you get when you work hard and save your pennies.

Does Charlie know you're living the life of Riley?

Oh, not exactly, no.

When Miss Wright comes along for you, love, you'll find out their best

always have a couple of secrets between husband and wife.

Here. That's right.

Won't be long.

No, it's not mine. I'll just drive it for someone.

Well, it's power steering.

Yeah, they're very powerful, aren't they?

Automatic. Autocosta.

Is that a radio?

Yep.

Let's hear it.

What would you want?

What do you need? A new aerial, mate?

Oi!

Oi, you little bleeders!

Oh, that's lovely.

James. Turn the radio on. Let's have some music.

Aye.

I'll take one then.

When you've done that, have a go at mine, will you?

It's all right. I was only joking.

I'm glad you told me that.

So, what's Mr Lily's nice little game then?

Oh, that's terrific.

Yeah? Dresses up in women's clothes.

What? Handbags, high heels, the lot.

Yeah. Then I take him to a few shady -looking little places, then I drop him

back here and he gives me a nice kiss.

He does what?

Gives me a nice kiss.

Oh, my God, Rose Mellors.

Oh, meet Mr Lily.

Hello, Rose.

You remember my name.

I'm flattered.

Hello, Albert.

That's Arthur, actually.

Of course, Arthur.

Still the old boulevardier, I see.

Well, you've got to make ends meet, haven't you?

Looks like you've found some more buried treasure, Rose.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, come on, Terry.

Nice of you to drop by, Arthur.

Well, actually, I came down to see if I could have a little something on

account. Oh, yeah, sure.

How much do you want?

Well, Terry's been at it, what, three days? A century should see her through.

Right.

Well, two, two or three hundred, you know.

There we go.

Sure.

All right, Terry, love.

Give it the gun.

There's a catch.

There's got to be a catch.

Stop over there a minute, will you? I want to get a paper.

See how my shares are doing.

I don't believe this. You might believe it in the car.

Where is it? I saw a bird there.

You saw what? There was a bird. Her handbag was snatched and I went to help.

And you left the car? You just left it here? I was only gone in less than a

minute. I mean, somebody nicked the car in less than a minute. Blame the stars.

I'll go and phone the old broad. They'll sort it out. No, don't do that.

Well, we've got to do something. Come on, Terry.

I need a drink.

Cheers.

Haven't you ever wondered what my job is?

No, I'm not paid to think.

Well, I'll tell you anyway.

I am paid a fat commission by some bloke to pick up and deliver things.

What kind of things?

Well, diamond kind of things.

Diamonds? I pick them up in one shape and deliver them in another.

Do you mean all those places we've been to?

Diamond cutters.

It's hardly Hatton Garden, is it?

They're hardly those kind of diamonds, are they?

Do you mean a rot?

Warmish.

I've been carrying hot diamonds all over London.

Sorry, love.

Oh, sorry?

I still don't know why you can't report it.

Because in the car, there's 100 ,000 quid's worth of uncut diamonds. That's

Finally picked them up last week.

See, once a month I get a consignment and I put them in the place I had made

special and I take them out a few at a time and deliver them two or three times

a week to these cutters.

Then when they're ready, I collect them up again, put them back in the place and

deliver them to Mr Tajvi.

Who? The boss.

All worked like a dream till five minutes ago.

God knows what he's going to say about dropping 100 grand.

Never heard anyone call him the good loser.

Now, hold on. Look, you might be lucky, right?

Whoever nicked the car wouldn't even be looking for diamonds, right? All they'd

do is go for a joyride, nick the radio, and that'd be it.

If we are lucky, love.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. That's what I meant. We.

No. If you pinch a mug, it's because you know somebody in Timbuktu is going to

buy it. It's gone for good.

Oh, you've found out somehow it's carrying a fortune.

For a joyride, you take a mini.

I still think we ought to report it.

All right, cool.

Hey, you, get in. I beg your pardon?

Get in.

No, my mum said never accept lifts off of strangers.

Mr. Tejvir wants to see you. Who?

Best do what he says, Terry.

Best do what I say, Terry.

Now, hold on a minute. No, no.

Let's do what a man says.

Yeah?

They come to see Mr. Tejvir.

My dear Mrs. Meadows.

Gentlemen, please do sit down.

Some jasmine tea for our guests, Miss Corley. How do you take your tea, Mr.

Davy?

Oh, just as it comes. No sugar.

Ah, a man of taste.

So many of your countrymen simply ruin a good Indian tea by throwing in

absolutely pounds of sugar in it.

You, sir, have a discerning palate, I can tell.

Yeah, well, I like the nice cup of tea.

I'll have four lumps.

You don't take sugar.

Now, five lumps.

Quite right, quite right.

Independence. Ah, that's what I admire in a fellow.

A chap who doesn't run with the pack.

Makes up his own mind.

Absolutely splendid.

Nice? Oh, we'll have a lovely cup of Mr.

Tower. Oh, a touch beer, as in Devere.

Oh, the secret is quite simple.

You see, you warm the pot and always take it to the kettle. Never the kettle

the pot.

Oh, I must remember that.

All right, we've had elevensies. What are we here for?

Oh, I am sorry. I do apologise.

You're very busy gentlemen.

So I won't beat the bush. I'll come straight to the point.

I invited you here to see if we can find a way to solve the matter of these

wretched diamonds.

Any sign of the car yet?

No.

Well, it's only been two hours, isn't it, or something?

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure the British police is most efficient and polite too.

They don't bash you about for bloody nothing?

Not like Bombay?

However, it is my feeling, gentlemen, that even if the car is returned, that

diamonds may not be returned with it. It seems to me, Mr.

Tash, that this is a matter between you and Mrs. Mellors and my associate here,

Mr. McCann. I really don't feel I can be of any help, so I'll just say thank you

for the tea and slide off.

Don't bother to see me out. I'll find my own way. I won't detain you very much

longer, I promise.

Peace.

You see, it is my belief that the thief took the car because he knew what was in

it. No, never. It was your average car thief.

Oh, hopefully so. Hopefully so.

But, you see, there's one tiny detail about this morning's regrettable affair

which keeps nagging away in my mind.

What's that?

How did he steal the car so damn quickly?

Yeah, I've been wondering about that, I know. Oh, I'm sure you have, my dear old

chap. I mean, one moment it's there, the next it's gone like greasy bloody

lightning. Yeah, well, there's some very clever villains about these days.

Oh, quite so, quite so.

Damn me if you haven't hit the hammer on the nail.

It is my conviction that this was an inside job.

What exactly are you suggesting, mister?

It is my total and utter conviction that the man who had access to the actual

keys of the car simply got in, switched on the engine, And drove it off.

Access?

Well, it's Rose and Mrs. Mallers and me, I suppose.

And Mr. Daly?

I've never seen the keys of her car.

No, I'm sure you haven't, my dear fellow.

But you see, you provided Mr. McCann here who did.

Do you see what I mean? Are you suggesting that my associate stole your

in your car?

No. Well, that's all right, then. Otherwise, I'd have to hand it over to

solicitors. I am not accusing him alone.

I'm accusing him and you together.

Collusion, do you see?

Pulling a ringer.

Working a first one. Putting in the pick.

Now, hold on, hold on.

Listen, I don't want to sound ungallant or anything, but you seem to keep

forgetting that Mrs. Mellors had access to those keys. I mean, it was her

bleeding car to start with.

Oh, quite right, quite right. Quite absolutely correct.

However, you're forgetting that Mrs. Mellors here has been doing a, oh,

perfectly marvellous job for me for over a year. And not as much as a parking

ticket.

Now, you two gentlemen appear on the scene, and within three days, I have

mislaid... 100 ,000 pounds worth of uncut diamonds.

Something tells me there is a rat in the ointment somewhere.

Listen, Gunga Tim, we haven't got your rotten diamonds.

Oh, I do so hope my suspicions are unfounded. I wish it from the bottom of

heart. How do we prove we are not your tea leaves?

Tea leaves?

Thieves. How can we prove we haven't got your stuff?

Oh, I see. Quite simple.

You return the car here within 24 hours, complete with diamonds.

He's potty. Oh, potty.

Tea leaves.

Ah, yes, yes. You are witty, gentlemen, making puns like that. Really, it's a

great gift.

No, seriously, I mean it.

The car here can sleep with the diamonds by noon tomorrow.

Or? Or my man out here with his associates will have the authority to

into little pieces, as they say.

But let us not look on the dark side, gentlemen.

Let us all meet here tomorrow, complete with the car and the diamond, and we

shall all have a splendid cup of that jasmine tea.

Careful!

Sorry, Terry.

Hello, Arthur.

Yes?

What's up?

Mrs. Mellors has had her murk ripped off.

Oh, dear.

Insured, was it?

Well, no, that's not really the point, as you see. It's the principle of the

thing. Terry, I swear on Queen's Park Rangers, I had nothing to do with it.

Look, somebody whips a 450 SEL in 30 seconds flat. Now, if you haven't got a

key, how do you do that?

You don't. The record for a Merc is something like five minutes, 20 seconds.

You keep records?

Well, they have a contest each year. You know, a kind of car thieves Olympics.

Just for fun, you know. So someone must have had a key.

Yeah.

Who? The keys were never out of my hands. Never.

Um... Pardon me for asking this, but this car, was it... Well, I mean, did

get it kosher?

Kosher? Why?

Well, there's this bloke they call Yo -Yo Pickles in the trade.

Seems he once pinched a roller for someone who welshed on the pride.

And ever since then, every time he nicks the motor for a special customer, he

tapes a spare set of keys behind the rear light. Then if the punter doesn't

up the agreed price, well, Yo -Yo waits a bit, goes round and steals the car

back again.

Using the spare set of keys behind the light.

I bought it brand new from the showroom.

Ah.

Well, I wish I could be more helpful.

Have you tried the law?

Don't be disgusting, Des. I mean, it comes to something when you go ask the

police to help, doesn't it?

I don't think there's any option.

No?

All right, I'll go.

I talk their language.

Listen, I know a couple of fellows in the motor business. Maybe they've heard

something. You've got a phone I can use.

Oh, yes, yes. Help yourself.

Who's she, then?

Rose Mellis.

Her old man Charlie's doing 15 years.

Oh, you know some funny people, Terry. Hello, Steve. Listen, compared with the

mob we're dealing with at the moment, he's hilarious.

I'm fine. What's her motor to you, then?

No, it's what's in it. I've got a problem.

What is it? A big pile of diamonds.

Oh, you're joking.

Oh, yeah, it's me, isn't it?

If we don't find them, there's a little Indian geezer who's going to turn Arthur

and me into a crowd.

We may have had some luck. Come on.

What, Tasbeer falling off his elephant?

It's the duty of the police to do what? To find it.

I pay my taxes.

And my rate. And it says on the rates bill that a certain amount of that goes

towards supporting your lot.

Someone's nicked your car.

And you want us to drop everything and look for it? Well, keep a token force

direct in the traffic.

And don't stop the SPG from apprehending people using the bus lanes at

Hammersmith.

Sid?

Hello, Rosie lad. Hello, Sid.

How's Charlie? Oh, he's fine, Sid, fine.

Must go and pay my visit one of these days.

Yeah. Look, Sid, we're looking for my car.

Terrible business.

You've got to nail everything down these days.

You know what?

They ought to bring back National Service. That'll stop some of these

-figured gents.

Hold on, we're in a bit of a hurry. We thought you might know something.

Oh, yes. Well, Fred Priest over in Camberwell, he says some funny fellow

trying to flog you in Merck this afternoon.

Colour? Number?

Didn't say.

You'll have to go and see him.

You need grease in?

Grasp me no bleeder.

Thanks, Sid. Thanks a lot.

Any time, love.

Hold on, hold on.

Look, we've been at it five hours already, right? And all we've done is

from one flash, Harry, to another.

Have you got any better ideas?

Well... I'm doing my best, Terry.

I mean, it's not me they're after.

I could go home, put me feet up, have a drink, watch Crossroads.

Yeah.

Camberwell. And don't hang about, eh?

Having dealt with banketry, burglary and bank robbery, we can now get down to

the really important business of war.

What make is it?

Oh, um, it's, uh,

uh, you know, uh... Oh, I know. A man of your means can't really be expected to

remember trivial details like what kind of car he's got.

It's not exactly mine.

It sounds as though you nicked it, Arthur.

That is slander, Charlie. I've a good mind to insist on my lawyer being

Arthur, we didn't bring you in. You came to us.

Right, Sam. It's a Merc.

450 SEL.

Registration number EUU47V.

A what?

It belongs to a friend.

Hiya, lads. What's up?

Hi, lads.

How's it going?

Hello, love.

Can I talk to your cue, then?

You're a funny fella, you know that?

Palladium next week.

This your cue, then?

That's right.

Bet you're a dab -hand with it.

Try me.

Any more comedians while we're at it? Rose! Rose.

Sorry. I'm sorry about that, fellas. We're just looking for someone.

Who's your one?

A geezer called Yo -Yo Pickles.

Yo -Yo Pickles?

Yo -Yo. Here he is. Yo -Yo.

What's up with him?

He's back with him for the next Olympics.

Listen, can we have a word somewhere?

Yeah, sure.

Cheers. What's this all about, Des?

Tell you, tell you. Look, Mrs Mellor's here.

Mellor's? Exactly.

She's had her Mercedes nicked.

Des said that you might have some thoughts on the subject.

Nah. I only do rollers these days.

You know about the merch radio, you?

Yeah, well, a big wheel of frogs.

Maybe you should keep your eye on Bognor.

That's where they're shipped from.

Bognor? We haven't got much time.

How do you mean?

If we don't find it by tonight, some of that.

Yeah, all right.

I'll ring round.

Cheers.

And see you again.

Days?

Your car, Arthur, is probably halfway took away by now.

All right.

I'll put the word about it. Oh, thanks, Charlie.

It's very similar.

Oh, yeah, hang about.

Better give me the name of the owner.

The owner?

Too shy to come himself, is he?

Yeah, well, um... Is it really necessary?

No.

Fastening. Rose.

What? Rose Meadows.

Rose Meadows.

Charlie Meadows' missus. Eh?

The Dillinger of Dagenham.

The... Huh?

No. No, I don't think so.

Here's anyway.

Dad, no -one's heard anything about a murk today.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot, mate. Ta -ra, Des.

Yeah, see you, Terry.

Bye. Take care of yourself.

Ta -ra.

What's the big deal, anyway?

You can send Nick another one.

No, not like that one.

Come on, let's have a game.

Yeah, why?

What's your mind? I've got one with three left feet.

Hello, Jack.

How's it going, Tarzan?

Rose?

Rose, where have you been? I've got to talk to you.

I've been waiting all afternoon.

Rose?

Go in and make yourself a drink, will you, love? I've got a bit of business

Jack. Come on, Jack.

What happened?

What happened, Jack? For crying out loud, what happened?

What went wrong?

Well, I got the hang of the motor, didn't I? I mean, automatic.

You only had to bother with the brake and the other thing. What's it called?

accelerator. Keep your voice down.

Just tell me what happened.

Well, I nicked the motor all right, didn't I? I mean, he didn't see me, did

Yeah, Jack, you did very well.

Then what?

Well, I was going great.

Turning this way, turning that.

I remembered all my air signals.

And signals.

Well, it was going terrific.

Then all of a sudden, there was this lamppost.

Lamppost? Well, this dog ran out.

Oh, Jack.

Look, just tell me where the car is right now, at this moment.

Surbiton. Shunted up a bleeding lamppost?

Well, yeah.

Right. You get a breakdown truck and you take it the rest of the way.

And Jack...

What's that, Rose?

Don't go banging into any more land posts.

Oh, no danger. I won't do that again.

I gave me near right bang.

Can you find it all right? No problem. It's just across the street from the...

From the, er... From what, Jack?

Police station.

Rose.

What's wrong with Jolly Jack's leg?

Oh, he's got a touch of arthritis, Papa Bella.

Oh, you haven't got your drink?

No, I've just come out to tell you I'm going to look for Arthur, see if the old

bill are doing their stuff. Oh, no need. He'll ring you if he's got anything to

tell you.

Rose, it's not your neck they're going to squeeze, is it? It's mine and

Arthur's. Oh, go on.

Squeeze mine.

You've got lovely hands, you know.

But you're all right, Rose, but your timing is rotten.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

No, it's not.

It is.

It isn't.

I'm going to have a nice, relaxing bath.

Rose.

One of my little luxuries is to drink champagne in a steaming hot bath after

ears in body dance.

Sort of.

Bubbles inside and out, you might say.

Look, I've got till noon tomorrow before I start feeling the pain.

There's a bottle in the fridge.

Be a dear and bring me up a glass, would you?

Will you listen?

Bathroom's upstairs.

Better than right.

Come on in, darling.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah, it's all right. Go on.

That's it?

Got it. Anything else?

I've a pound of filberts. What are they?

Same to you, dear.

Oh, um, should be home by eight o 'clock.

Nothing much going on here.

Yeah, bye -bye, sweetheart.

The wife.

She doesn't like to eat later than eight o 'clock.

Yeah, look, Charlie, can't you do something?

Like what?

Oh, ring round, see if anyone's seen the car.

Arthur, have you any idea how many police stations there are in London?

You're not like the way you're shown on the telly, I tell you that. There, it's

one phone call after another, grab your hat and off. Diving in and out of cars,

bells ringing in all directions, booking down on murder one.

Here, it's like the rest time at the old folks' home.

Sit down, Arthur.

What's Rosie Mellor's got on you?

Nothing. Why?

Because in all my years, I've never known you so much as help an old lady

the street unless you were paid for it.

How dare you?

And here you are having a hernia about whether Charlie Mellor's missus gets her

motor back.

No, Arthur.

It rings false.

Charlie.

Nice, nice time.

Mrs Mellor's is a friend.

What are friends for if not to help one another?

Not in here.

Arthur, in Mrs. Mellor's world, friends are for grassing on.

Take my tip.

Find some better company.

May I use your telephone, please? Phone my associate.

Would that be Tony McCann?

It would.

He's helping you look for it, too, is he? He is exploring every avenue.

A bit like Lady Chatterley's lover, isn't it?

I know, I never saw it.

It's a book.

About this lady and her gamekeeper.

And you're the chauffeur.

Yeah, it all happens in the suburbs, don't it? I think I never believed all

Sunday papers.

Hold on, hold on.

What am I doing here?

We don't know by now, love.

I should be out looking for your motor.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll put in a good word for you with Mr Tajvir.

I should imagine that good words don't butter too many lamb curries with your

Tajvir.

No, I'm sorry, love. Excuse me.

Where are you going?

I want to find out and see what's happening.

Oh, don't go. We haven't finished the bottle yet.

Well, you finish it, eh?

Then you can have a kip.

That old afternoon.

That was quick.

Yeah, well, I decided to phone him myself.

What did he say?

Well, the old bill seemed to think your car's on its way to the continent.

Oh, no.

Yeah, so Arthur's gone to Bodmer.

Fancy.

Your phone was off the hook.

Of course.

I don't take calls when I'm busy.

So you're not going after all?

No. Can't see any point both me and Arthur being down there.

Cheers.

I've got a bit of a problem.

You given any more thought about running my flower shop?

Yeah, I have as it happens, yeah.

What do you reckon?

Well, if you still want me to do it, fine.

I reckon we'd make a really good partnership, you and me.

Marks and Spencers, Laurel and Hardy, and now Mellors and McCain.

McCain and Mellon.

Rose, you're all art.

I'll bet that's Arthur from Bognor.

Do I get it?

Hello? Is that you, Terry?

Yes, Arthur, it's me, yeah.

They found a car.

The coppers.

It was in Surbiton.

Oh, dear.

What do you mean, oh, dear?

Well, just keep looking, Arthur. That's all you can do, really, isn't it?

Terry, are you listening to me?

Yeah, you did make good time to Bogner, didn't you?

Bogner? What's Bogner got to do with it?

Exactly, mate.

Well, keep on trucking, eh?

Keep on what?

Terry?

Terry?

How well do you know this half a bloke?

Oh, not very well.

Trust him, can you?

About as far as I can throw him. I reckon he's behind it all, you know.

Oh, that? No.

Yeah. I reckon he found out Mr. Tashbeer's racket and stepped in.

Really?

Thanks very much. You chaps have done a grand job. I'll take over now. Get the

motor back to its owner. Why not? I don't have much time.

Just as soon as we've turned it over.

Turned it over?

Searched it.

What do you want to search it for? Just no tea left, eh?

Oh, hang on.

What's he doing here?

He's the chap that nicked it.

Know him, do you?

Don't you work for Rose Mellors?

Rose Mellors?

Who's she?

Never heard of her. I remember you. When we was looking for that buried money.

You was on her side. Not me, mate.

Here. What are you doing to Mrs. Mellors' motor?

Just giving her to service.

This is vandalism.

Hello? Terry. Yes, Arthur, yeah. You're not going to believe this.

They're stripping the car down.

They're searching it.

Well, where are you?

Yeah.

I see. Now, you might as well come home, then. No point in staying down in

Bognor, is there?

They sure want to paddle. There you go with Bognor again.

Look, aren't you listening to what I'm saying, Terry?

Hello, is it some sort of cross line?

Yeah, OK.

Tell them, mate, I'll see you. Terry?

Fancy going out for a bite to eat?

We can eat here.

Come on, what am I, a kept man?

Anything you say, love.

Arthur.

Where are we going?

Oh, it's just a little place I know.

The wine's a bit presumptuous, but the haricot verre, oh, a culinary delight.

We shall here go.

Well, well, well.

Pull over here, mate. What's that?

I've got to see a bloke.

I'll wait here for you.

No, come on. I want to show you something.

No.

Yeah, come on.

Won't be a minute.

What you doing here?

What was all that about Bogner?

Look, friend of yours there, madam.

Mrs. Mellors?

Yes. I've got your motor here.

So I see.

And the culprit.

Yeah, what you get for nicking cars these days? Four, five years? I can't

remember. Rose.

Listen, fella.

It was all a mistake.

How's that?

I gave Jack permission to take the car.

In a pig's ear, you did.

Now, straight up, I forgot.

I gave him the spare keys and told him I wanted the car serviced.

Well, he's a nice lad, but his brain's with gunpowder. He wouldn't have enough

to blow his hat off. Know what I mean?

So I suppose when he saw it parked, he just took it off to the garage, didn't

he, Jack?

And the garage is the other side of Surbiton, I suppose.

That's right.

How do you get?

I don't know what your game is, but I'm warning you, any more of this and I'll

have the lot of you for wasting police time and money.

Charlie, don't forget the filbert.

Taxi outside, pay it off, will you?

Oh, thanks, Rand.

No, Jack, the key!

Oh.

Thank you, Jack. Thank you.

Yeah,

where do you think you're going?

I don't know, Rose.

You tell me.

Yeah, no hard feelings, eh?

I mean, Rose just said it was going to be a bit of a lark. She said, here, you

couldn't give us a lift, could you?

I've hurt me knee.

Come on, Opelon. Oh, thanks.

Honest, I mean that.

You're a real gent. Oh, shut up.

You hired Arthur and me just to carry the can for you, didn't you?

Well... You win a few, lose a few.

And what about all those little games in there, eh?

They were just to while away the hours before Sabu made Bombay Mints out of us.

Terry, I never could control myself with you, you know that.

It's not nice, Rome.

Well, not a very nice person, am I?

Bet your mum warned you about women like me.

There's a lot of money here, Terry.

Yeah. And it's all going back to Tajvir.

Listen.

He says you didn't have much track with that Arthur bloke.

Well, I could tell Tajvir it was him who took him.

Then you and me, straight down the middle.

50 -50.

Well, you're an original, Rose, I'll give you that.

60 -40.

Listen. You wouldn't want me to tell your dearly beloved husband how I know

drink champagne in a bath, would you?

Terry, you wouldn't. He goes spare.

They go back.

All right.

They go back.

Hey, nip down, get another bottle of champagne, eh?

I've changed the situation.

Right people, right time, just the wrong location.

I've got a good idea.

If you keep me near, I'll be so good for you. I'm

going to help you.

Nothing I can want me to I'll do anything for you I'll be

so good, boy I can be so good for you I'll do