All language subtitles for Minder s01e02 Bury My Half at Waltham Green

I can be so good for you Love you like
you want me to

I can be

so good for you Love you like you want
me to

Thank you.

Come on, Chip.

Ah.

Hey.

I pay you for protection, right?

Yeah, that's right.

And you're pretty good, they tell me,
huh?

Yeah, well, I'll do my best. No, listen.

You must be some damn near genius.

I mean, I'm going to be sitting in there
in the sauna, and you're going to give

me 100 % protection sitting out there
with the dames, eh?

That's fantastic.

Well, I just thought... They're not
paying you to think, kid.

In the old days, they knocked you off in
the barber shop. Today, it's the sauna.

Come on.

All set.

Okay. Let's take one more time.

You lob the rope over the back wall at
exactly five past three. Got that? And

for God's sake, that's the mattresses,
Andy. It's a long way to jump from the

top.

On the other hand, seeing as I'm out of
here legit next week, better not bother.

Who's minding me, Arthur?

Nice bloke. Friend of mine. You'll get
on. He may be nice, Arthur, but is he

good? Charlie Mennon isn't noted for his
sense of humour. His idea of fans

stamping on spiders.

One of the best.

He better be. I'm too young for concrete
wellies. Who is he?

His name's Terry.

Strong as an ox. And almost as handsome.

I think I'm going to faint.

Don't worry, kid.

They say cleanliness, that's next to
godliness.

So is death.

Come in.

It's open.

Oh, go on, Bennett.

Are you deaf or what?

What?

Hey, what's all this?

Arthur, if you value your front teeth,
I'll talk about something else.

I'm senior Gambetti with love and
gratties.

Gonna recommend you to his friends?
Before you know where you are, you'll be

minding Sophie Loren.

Listen, when you fixed me up with this
maniac Aytai, did you know that he was a

sauna and massage freak?

Get on.

Yeah. For the last seven days, I've been
sweating.

Cods in a steam oven, while a woman was
trying to strangle me.

Woman? She made King Kong look like
Shirley Temple.

Now, did you... Come on, own up. Did you
know this? Yes or no? I did not know

this, Terry.

I swear I didn't. On my fainting
mother's grave.

Now, normally, this would be OK for me,
Arthur.

But I happen to know that your old mum
is alive and well and living in Frinton.

Yeah, well, never mind that. I've got
something else for you, right up your

street. For this, my son, you hardly
need to get out of bed.

Good.

Right.

Who is it?

Chris Bonnington.

Cushy isn't in it. Pull the other one.
It plays A. Jude.

His name's Stubb.

Albert Stubb. He's just finished a
fourth stretch for bank robbery. You're

listening to me, are you, Arthur? Look,
his auto's got 15 years apiece.

All Stubb's did was drive the car and
wash the loop. And, and here we come to

what they call a nub, Terry, bury it.

All 50 grand.

What we've got here is a failure to
communicate.

Now, look, when he comes out, his
problem's going to be there's going to

people who want to know where he's put
it.

Well, aren't you going to ask me who?

I've got to give it to you, Arthur.

You are a trier.

One of the gang was Charlie Mellard.

Remember what the papers called him?

Yeah.

The Dillinger of Dagenham.

No, he's not the problem. It's his wife,
Rose.

She's been asking Charlie for years
where it's all in, but his lips are

Marriage vows are not what they used to
be, Terry.

I thought you said something about
cushy. Look, your mind stops for one

maybe two at the most. Just give him
time to arrange some corner of a foreign

field that is forever murky. Pick him up
at the nick, bring him back here, lock

the door, he's crown court and Jackanory
all the way. Straight up, you'll never

earn bread more easily.

Yeah, but it's well bent, isn't it?

Well bent?

You know I'd never touch anything that
was even a bit bent.

Now, look, what are we doing? We are
protecting a man who has paid his debt

society from the unscrupulous clutches
of others. Tell me that we aren't.

I don't like it.

I've heard about that Rose Mellors.

She's bad news. Oh, forget her.

By the time she finds out, you'll be
long gone.

She doesn't even know he's coming out.
Nobody does.

Except us.

You've got one more like this over
there, OK?

Guess what?

You joined the Bolshoi Ballet.

You what?

What do I have to guess?

Stubbs is coming out.

You sure?

Tomorrow.

Yeah, I'll have that.

Sorry.

who's that

there

he is

Oi, you stubs. Yeah.

Yeah, we'll cut the bleeding cab right
and get in.

Come on, Jack, we're going to lose him.

You Terry?

I hope so pal, for your sake.

Nice one, Terry.

Easiest bread you'll ever earn, he said.
No one else knows you're coming out.

Oh, tasty.

Yeah, well, it's home.

Here, Tom.

Terry.

Got any booze?

Who's? It's quarter past nine in the
morning.

Not in Hawaii.

Erm... What about a cup of tea?

Listen, the nearest thing I've had to a
drink in the last four years is half a

pint of aftershave to Christmas before
last.

Yeah, hold on.

Ah,

not exactly the ripped cocktail bar, is
it?

No, not exactly.

Here, Tom.

Terry. You, uh, got any numbers?

Numbers?

Yeah, you know. Nudge, nudge. Wink,
wink. Say no more.

What are you on about?

Oh, blimey, O 'Reilly, lad.

Numbers. You know, to ring.

Swedish matters.

Correction and poetry reading and
speciality.

Pimping comes extra.

Take it on the bill.

Four years, then, son.

Now, listen, pal, it's time we had a
little chat.

Pub's still open 11 o 'clock. Now
listen, and listen good.

While you're here, there'll be no pubs,
no nookie, no nothing.

Oh, stroll on, Tommy.

You're getting closer.

It's Terry.

Now come and say it after me.

Terry.

Terry.

Better. I know nothing. Security.

Oh, terrific.

I get lumber with Carruthers MI5.

No.

I'm just a silly sod who agreed to mind
you. And for some daft reason, I take my

job seriously.

So while you're here, which I hope is
for a very short time, you will stay

inside and there'll be no visitors.

Got that?

Might as well have stayed in prison.

Yeah, but you didn't, did you?

Four years is a long time.

Eternity's longer, Sunbeam.

And that's where you'll end up if
Charlie Mellor's old woman gets her

you. Listen, Rose and me, we used to be
like that.

Oh, yes.

Who was on top?

Listen, that was her this morning. Sure
as guns are iron. And she'll try again.

Don't that worry you?

Quite right, sport.

I'm in your hands.

Whatever you want.

Uh, Arthur said you're fixing up
somewhere abroad.

As soon as I dig up the lettuce, yeah.

Yeah, well, I don't want to know about
that, OK?

I am strictly a minder.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm just here
to see that you don't cut yourself while

you're shaving.

Hello, Arthur.

Everything go all right?

Yeah, he's here.

Just one thing.

What?

Rose Mellors was there.

No.

Yes, with some muscle.

And the Dagenham girl Piper's for all I
know. Look, what you do? Put an ad in

the Daily Mirror.

But you got him away? You got Stubbs
away all right? Yeah, he's here.

Good boy.

Um, Arthur.

Has he got all his marbles?

Albert? Sure, why?

Well, he don't seem too concerned, and
people in his situation who ain't

worried, well, they worry me.

He's probably still a bit stir -crazy.
All that freedom's gone to his head.

Look, he's asking me for a bit of hours
your father.

Well, prison does that to a bloke,
Terry. Don't take offence.

No girls.

Oh.

He wants a lady.

Well, I don't suppose it will kill him.

Well, no, but... Carry on the good work.
Must go now. Bye -bye. Oh, hold on.

Arthur. Listen, Mike, I...

There we are, dear.

That's 150.

Lovely rose, that.

Peace.

If that don't bring your fella back,
he's not worth it.

Well then, Jack, who was it? Who's got
him? It wasn't Packard's mob. They

even know he was coming out today.

Then who was it?

Could have been the law.

I don't think so.

Look, spread the news round the street.
There's a century for who finds him.

Yeah, it could have been a bent copper.
You know, maybe one who'd done a bit of

a dodgy thing.

Just spread the word, Jack. I'll do the
rest.

Oi! Stubbsy!

Stubbs!

Oh, no.

Sir Charlie Mellors and Bernie Packer.
Two of the finest blokes it's been my

privilege to know.

Come, landlord, fill the flow in bold. A
glass of your excellent ale.

How do you do best?

Fifty -two, governor.

Fifty -two?

I suspect you've made an unwitting error
there, landlord.

Thirty -two, perhaps.

Where have you been lately, squire?
Where the average wage was fifty p a

Oh, it's like that, is it? Yes, and if
I'd known what was happening to the

nation in my absence, I'd have stayed
inside. Fifty -two pence for a pint of

bitter is daylight robbery.

Aye, well, you'd know more about that
than me.

Oh, my aching ribs.

Taser Muzanti.

Charlie'd appreciate that one.

So, you knew Charlie Mellors and Bernie
Packer, eh? Yeah, I wore them right in

the hair. The Dillinger of Dagenham,
what?

How one comes to despise the gut of the
press.

Period.

You work with them, then?

Only still with the best. That's my
motto.

Hey, what's your game? Oh, landlord.

Allow me to introduce my assistant.

Hiya, Terry. Who's her friend? May well
ask. Come on, on your toes. We're going.

So now, the end is near.

And as I reach the final curve... You've
got a right eejit there, son.

Say that again.

He's been telling me he's a hard man.

Between the ears.

Come on, we're going.

What's that?

Go back to sleep. It's safer.

But get your shoes off the bed.

Oh, I was dreaming.

I was back inside. It was Tuesday.

Best day of the week.

Cauliflower cheese for dinner.

Yeah. It's one goodie after another in
Nick, isn't it? You done, haven't you?

It's all right.

Listen, what did you tell Mickey?

Who? Mickey, down the boozer.

Oh, nothing.

You do that again, son, and I'm going to
give you a slap.

Do you understand?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

It's been a long time.

Yeah, so you keep saying.

Right

then,

back to the competition.

And if you know the answer, give us a
ring right now on 246 -8071.

The first correct answer wins a T -shirt
and a car sticker. I'll just repeat the

question. What famous picture finishes
with the line, Mother of Mercy, is this

the end of Rico?

Let's hear from you now on 246 -8071.

Easy. Little Caesar.

Help yourself.

Well,

well, well.

We have a movie expert with us today.
The winning answer came through in 15

seconds, would you believe?

And here is the lucky fella. Hello,
who's this?

Hello. Your name, sir?

Albert. Albert Stubbs. All right,
Albert.

What film ended with the line, Mother of
Mercy, is this the end of Pricko?

Little Caesar, starring Edward G.
Robinson, made in 1931.

Directed by Mervyn Leroy.

Fantastic. You must be into film
business, Albert.

No, nothing like that. Last four years
I've been in the nick. Just got out

today. Well, well, well. It's your lucky
day and no mistake. Tell me where you

live, Albert, and we can send you on the
T -shirt and the car sticker.

Flat.

are out of your bleeding crate.

No, no, I always was good on films. All
right, then, come on. What's your bloody

lark? What do you mean?

I know.

It's one of Arthur's little jokes, isn't
it? I'm on candy camera.

No, no, no, it's nothing like that. I
just didn't think that at all.

Sorry, old son, honest.

It's just like being out and all. I
can't handle it yet, not for a bit. You

what I mean?

What are you doing?

Well, thanks to your competitive spirit,
we've got to get out of here.

Oh, yeah, I reckon.

This is a...

There must be thousands of Albert
Stubbses around.

Oh, yeah.

They've all done four years, they all
came out today, and they're all nutters.

And I'm looking after every sod in one
of them.

Hello? Yeah, hello.

Is Arthur there, please?

Who? Daly, Arthur Daly. I'm afraid he's
out at the moment. Oh, well, if he comes

in, could you ask him to phone Terry,
please? It's urgent.

Yeah, no.

Terry.

All that cauliflower cheese has
scrambled your brain.

So, um... We're not moving then? No.

I think we should.

Oh, and where should we go, Maestro?

Fort Knox.

Hey!

Don't you want to see whether you made
the news?

Don't let go.

Yes.

Yes, thank you. We heard it too.

So did everyone else.

Thanks for calling.

The what?

The reward?

I don't know why 100 just for listening
to the radio.

Jack, you look like Desperate Dame of
Vernier. Go and serve.

Hello.

Yes. Yes, we heard it as well, thanks.

Yeah, well... No, don't bother, we'll
call you.

Up yours too, darling.

Oh, my God, darling.

It's all right, Jack, I'll serve the
lady.

I've got a job for you.

Sit down.

Change the channel.

Oh, now, that's not fair.

I want him.

No, no, you don't. Yes, I do.

I'm sorry, pal, you can't have him.

Out of my way, Doris.

No, no, no.

You know the rules.

I'm minding it.

Now... If I was to let you have him,
well, my reputation would be shot,

it? I wouldn't get a job anywhere, would
I?

No. You know that, don't you?

Look, I can explain.

Stop this for a game of soldiers.

Where do you think you're going? Leave
off. I've had enough.

You've had enough. Listen.

Do you want to have a look?

No, look, I can explain everything.

Would you go through to the
conservatory, please, gentlemen?

Hold this.

What are you trying to do, ruin me?

There you are.

There I am what?

You what?

Who's your girlfriend?

Oh, leave off, Rose. It stops, doesn't
it?

Jack. Look, I can explain everything.

In other words, this ain't stuff.

Not in other words, Jack.

Those are the words.

Who's this then?

Martin Borman, for all I care.

Now, beating me up won't help. You want
money on it.

Wait a minute, put him down.

What in the...

What's your real name?

George.

George Wilson.

Oh.

All right, then, George.

Calm down.

Now, then.

Why don't you tell me why you've been
going around calling yourself Albert

Stubbs?

Huh?

You'll wear that watch out, Albert.

Can't we get started?

It's still daylight.

It won't be when we get there.

Look, you waited four years. Another
four hours isn't gonna hurt. Take your

off.

There's another one in the fridge.

You can't wait to get back inside, can
you, Albert?

I've done my bird. They can't do you
twice for the same job.

The moment you touch that money, you're
handling stolen property.

You should have got a job in the
library, my son.

Boned up on the law.

I knew a fellow once. Did a wages
snatch.

Found a nice, quiet field.

Shoved the take to a deep hole just
before he was nabbed. Just like you.

Came back five years later to dig it up.

And? Got down for obstruction.

What? Where he'd bedded it was now under
the fast lane of the M4.

I really need to hear that.

Here's another fellow I need. That's a
conversationalist, Arthur.

You leave a lot to be desired.

Just trying to pass the time.

How's your mucker doing?

Oh, don't worry about Terry.

He knows his job.

I've been looking everywhere for you.
Why is your blower on answer phone?

What are you doing here?

What do you want first, Arthur? The bad
news or the really bad news?

What's happened?

Well, open the door.

It's stopped.

What's happened?

I've lost him. Lost him? Where?

Arthur, the man is mad.

It's a pedigree basket case. You know
what? He only got his name and address

announced on the bleeding radio.

Who's this?

Ah.

Um... Albert.

Um... Albert, stop.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm not quite with you,
mate.

The, uh... The real one.

The real one?

Yeah.

Well, who was the geezer I'd be minding?

Ah, well, uh... Well?

Come on, who's that clown who's been
sending me round a twist?

Decoy.

Decoy?

Oh, this is interesting.

This is very interesting.

Well, no, you see, Albert here knew
there'd be some people waiting for him

he came out, so he did a deal with
another bloke who looked a bit similar

was coming out on the same day so that
he could sort of draw their fire, so to

speak. And where, so to speak, do you
fit in?

Coordinator, that's all.

Where's Wilson?

Who's Wilson?

George Wilson.

Your man. One of the best con men in the
business.

Arthur, I should smack you.

Now, you've got no right to use me like
this.

I suppose it never occurred to you to
let me in on it. No, no, listen, son,

sorry, but I was following the need -to
-know principle.

The what?

Well, the less you know, the less you
can tell.

It's all arranged in MI5.

Oh, I see.

Well, OK, working on your principle, all
you need to know is that half an hour

ago, Rosemellor's minder hit me on the
back of the head.

and snatched your George Bleeding Ross
name, who probably by now is on his way

to the great con game in the sky.

Telling them where you bloody live.

No, no, George wouldn't do that. Are you
kidding?

Have you seen her minder?

He'd make Arpo Marks talk.

No, George wouldn't do that. He can't.
He don't know where I live.

They know your name. You're in the book.

Ex -directory.

What, you?

Yeah. Kept getting all these obscene
phone calls from women.

Get the car.

We're off.

Hold on.

Nobody's going anywhere.

What do you say?

Look, you set me up minding a geezer,
right, and I lost him.

Now, I dare say, to one of the world's
great coordinators, this don't mean a

lot.

Or, of course, to the birdman of
Alcatraz. But to me, it does.

You see, Arthur, first of all, I don't
like being made a fool of. Secondly, I

hate being bopped on the head.

And thirdly, I don't like losing
clients.

So until he comes back, we're not going
anywhere, OK?

You're going to stop us, are you?

How do you feel about cauliflower cheese
every Tuesday for another ten years?

Right.

So until I find George, I'm going to
phone you every half an hour.

And if I get a recorded message or no
answer, the next number I dial is 999.

Oh, dear.

Is that all you can say? Oh, dear.

I should have told him.

He's awfully pissed off.

I'm surrounded by morons.

Oh.

I bet you're Terry.

No, no, I'm just a window cleaner.

I'm Mrs Mellors.

You can call me Rose.

You've got something of mine, Rose?

George is all right, don't worry.

He and Jack are having a chat back at my
place.

That wasn't very nice, was it?

I'll pay for it.

Thank you.

Just as soon as I collect what I'm due.

I was just going to put the kettle on.

You take the weight off your feet.
You've had a busy day.

How's your head?

Wonderful.

Listen, why don't you just halve it with
stuff?

Do you think I'm after copying the lot?

Aren't you?

Do I look like a dishonest person,
Terry?

Well, do I?

No, Rose.

You look incredibly honest.

I bring much enough to share and share
alike.

That's all I ever wanted.

So what's the problem?

Charlie, my husband.

Well? Well, when he finds out Albert
carved up the money with me, he'll go

spare.

Albert knows that. He wouldn't be safe
in Guatemala.

Oh.

You see, he thinks that I'll spend it
all before he and Bernie Packer get out.

No. Yeah.

Listen, why don't you just put it in a
building society?

That's what I told him. Invest it, I
said.

Keep it out of inflation.

But he never was much of an investing
fellow, Charlie.

Oh, you see the score?

Yeah, yeah.

You're very good looking, aren't you?

Still, I suppose you know that.

Well, a man's got to believe in
something, hasn't he?

What do you know about flowers?

They're plastic and they come in vases.

Oh, quite a little Percy thrower, aren't
you?

Well, what about flowers?

Well, I run this gardening centre.

It's a nice place.

I need someone to help me manage it.

It's good money.

It's tempting.

How's business?

Bloomy.

Yes, Terry, it's me.

We're still here.

How's it going?

Hello?

This bloke here was... Terry?

Yeah, what's he like?

Sort of the earth. You know what I mean.
Can you trust him?

To do what?

He could turn me into Rosie Miller just
for the hell of it.

She's got quite a persuasive manner when
she wants.

Nah.

He wouldn't do that.

Nah. Not Terry.

Now then, love, where does Arthur Daly
live?

You give me George and I'll tell you.

Deal.

Hey, Terry, how long are you going to
keep this up?

Arthur, look, just shut up and listen
for a while.

Is there somebody at the shop?

Nah, there's no one.

How do you

do that?

Oh, it's just a fluke. Come on, she'll
go.

You, on your toes.

You've got to go to Arthur's. He's got
your money. Now, here's your dress.

No hanging around. You've got to go
around there immediately. Take my car.

just outside.

When you get there, park outside
Arthur's house and put the keys in the

pipe, all right?

Now, go on, swing your... We've just got
to let him go like that.

Now, you've got to be very quiet.

You are.

I'm very angry with you.

You broke down my door. You hit me when
I wasn't looking.

Now, one of these days, you're going to
go over the top and I'm going to have to

teach you a lesson. I told you, love,
I'll pay for the damage.

Rose, he's barmy.

Look,

no more messing about.

I'll get my side of the bargain.

Yeah, that's true.

What about yours?

Where's Albert?

You're going to believe him, Rose.

Oh, I always believe what fellas tell
me.

When I first met Charlie, he told me he
was working in banking.

Rose, right after a fashion.

Rose, I'm not going to tell you where
Arthur lives.

What? I'm going to take you there.

That way, Tarzan, if I don't deliver, we
can have some fun.

All right?

Oh, certainly.

Round and around the bleeding houses.

Yeah, well, it's not far now.

You said that half hour ago.

Here? Yeah, here.

And then first left, and then first
right.

First left.

This hand.

You watch it.

Look, Fritter -Powdy, why don't you just
watch the road and drive?

You wouldn't be having me on, would you?

Where now?

There, right.

This could be the end of a beautiful
friendship.

We'll still have Paris, sweetheart.

That's it. Just up here on the left.

Thank you, James. This will do nicely.

What floor is he on?

It's... Hold on.

There they are.

That's Arthur.

And that's Albert.

Are you sure this time?

Yeah, that's him, no mistake.

Where are they off to?

I'll give you two guesses.

I'll tell you what, Rose. If you were to
follow them, I think all your troubles

would be over.

Oh, come on, Jack.

Careful.

Cheers. All right, Stubbsy, come on. The
Pokemon's gone.

Arthur said this was your idea.

Yep, that's right. I'll tell you what,
my decoy's better than yours.

I'm charging danger money for this,
Arthur.

Well, in overtime, at least.

Keep trying, George.

Where are we going?

Let's call it a mystery tour.

Walton Green's down the road.

Tell you what, I wouldn't have been
surprised if there wasn't a bleeding

housing estate here.

You and your mate have got a marvellous
sense of humour.

Come on.

I knew a bloke one.

Came back to dig up some money. Yeah,
and it was under the M4.

No, no, nothing like that.

No, he dug it up all right, what was
left of it.

What do you mean?

Mice.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It's in the Guinness Book of
Records.

Most expensive mice nest in the world.

Lined with 40 ,000 quid.

Come on.

It's got to be it.

Away you go, then.

We'll take it in turns, yeah?

No way. I've stuck my neck out enough
for you. Anyway, you need the exercise.

They're going to clock something's wrong
soon, Arthur. They've got to.

We're afraid of bleeding Luton.

Just keep him in sight, Jack.

Why don't you send up a player so
everyone will know we're here?

Come on, give us a hand.

We'll open it at your place.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, grab on.

I suppose you'll put Charlie Mellors and
Bernie Packer's share back later, will

you? I'll look after it for them.

I bet you will.

I'd rather you than me, mate.

Of course, big enough, isn't it? Hold
on.

There's 50 grand in there.

Oh, and it was 60.

And the bloke who watched it took 10 in
commission.

10 grand?

Gordon Bennett, it's all about robbers
robbing and robbers.

I had no choice, had I?

The money with Nick was in brand -new
10s. He changed it into used onesies.

That's why I needed a big box.

Have you ever seen 50 ,000 quid and one
pound notes?

No, not recently.

Come on.

It'd be even lovelier when it's out of
here.

How am I going to shift it?

You need a sack.

Leave off, I'll look like bleeding Santa
Claus.

Well, that, as they say, pal, is your
problem.

But it leaves there fast.

Right now, in fact.

But what am I going to carry it in?

We'll give you a hand, Albert.

I've got to get that door mended.

Anyone can walk in here.

Oh, Terry, I should have your luck.

How's that?

Well... Oh, I mean, you've been here and
all with the money.

Fantastic. And there was Jack when he
found out you put us on a wild old good

chase, saying how he was going to reach
down your throat, grab hold of your

knees and turn you inside out.

I had to close my ears.

Yeah, well, he's always had a vivid
imagination, young Jack, hasn't he?

Still, as we're all here with the money,
we'll forget all about it.

You know I'm a dead man, Rose.

Charlie's going to kill me over this.

The weather's nice in Brazil this time
of year, Albert.

Give Ronnie Biggs a ring, you can dock
down on his veranda.

Have you got any old grocery bags, dear?
I mean, to put this lot in.

Ours is it then, Rose?

You're getting close, Albert.

You're warm.

Thirds? I'll take Charlie's share.

And I'll put Bernie's in the woolage.
He'll be a nice little nest egg when he

comes out.

Charlie's not going to like this. He's
going to be mad as hell.

I shouldn't be surprised if he gets
someone to have a go at you, Rosie.

No, he won't. Not when I tell him. Tell
him what?

Well, that you copped a lot, of course.

Oh, Rosie.

You wouldn't tell him that.

Terry, what's all this?

Well, well, old home week.

Well, I'll say goodbye, everybody.

Oh, anybody want any flowers or plants,
I'll give 50 % off for friends.

It's all right, Jack, I'll take that
one.

No, Rose.

What about me?

Oh.

Terry, I want you to know that what
happened this afternoon between us was

loveliest, most wonderful experience of
my life. And I'll never forget you.

I meant the door.

You didn't.

Two bottles of vintage shampoo.

Stroll on, that was sparkling. Nigerian.
Vintage shampoo, transport, a lot of

transport, petrol, lunch, a van of
cigars.

What with you, Rosemellers and
inflation, it was hardly bloody worth

Thank you.

And groceries.

Petrol. Four pounds of Guinness, the big
ones.

Half a dozen phone calls and a pot of
tea.

And one shovel.

Ta -da then, Albert. Now look after
yourself and be very careful. There are

lot of very shady customers about.

Time I've paid George, I'll be out of
pocket on this one.

Yeah, and bought a few pints.

Come on, they're open.

I don't know why I bother to help
people.

There's no appreciation.

No, it's like the man said, isn't it?

You can't win them all.

That's a bit of wisdom, that is, Arthur.

Arthur, still your round.

Mickey, this may amaze you, but Mr Daly
is going to buy a drink.

So we want two pints of best, two
whiskey chasers, a cigar, sir. One large

and slimline, one lager. Finito.

You've got the longest pockets and the
shortest arms I've ever seen.

Yeah.

Who's your old handmaid?

Mate? Leave it out.

What was that all about, then?

Do I ask you when you're watering the
beer?

Thanks.

Well, Mr D?

It's a crime.

Cut that out.

Hey, just a minute. Not these ones.

What? These.

They're no good. Eh?

What's the matter with them? What do you
mean, no good?

Well, those are the old ones, aren't
they?

So? Well, you wouldn't have noticed, Mr.
Rockefeller, dealing only in 20s, but

we changed over once in 1978. These
aren't legal tender any more.

Since when? Since June the 1st.

Why not?

Well, they were all pulled in, weren't
they?

What am I going to do with all these?

It's the truth.

You found Captain Morgan's treasure or
something?

Um, are you trying to tell me we can't
spend it?

What you do is, you step down the Bank
of England, you fill in a form, and

they'll change them for you, if you're
lucky.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. I'm bloody glad you
can see the funny side of it.

No, it's quite simple, Arthur.

All you've got to do is step over to the
Bank of England, throw in a few pounds,

and they'll give you the money for it.
Don't worry about all this, lad. Anyway,

they're nearly all out of circulation. I
haven't seen one for ages.

What's the matter, Terry?

I'll tell you what.

Here. For charity.

Arthur, you can go and fill in a few
forms.

And you can go to the Bank of England. I
don't even know where it is.

I think I'd like to go home now.

Right people, right time, just the wrong
location.

I've got a good idea.

Just you keep me near. I'll be so good
for you. I could be so good for you.

I'm gonna help you. Love you like you
want me to.