Original subtitles

[bell ringing]

Oop!

D'oh!

[clamoring continues]

[knocking on door]

Come in.

Miss Short told me to report, sir.

Ah, yes, Stevens.

Sit down.

[ruffling noise]

Now, uh, what's all this about?

Well, sir, I was larking about in math lessons

and Miss Short says if I went on she'd send me to you,

and I went on, and she sent me, and here I am.

- Uh, sir. - I see.

And, uh, what do you think I should do about it?

Cane me?

And split a perfectly good magazine?

Sir?

Remove the padding, Stevens.

You're crackling like a pan full of frying bacon.

Caning you wouldn't tell me why you think it

more important to lark about

than attend to your lessons, would it?

- No, sir. - I'd like to know.

Go home and write me a letter about it.

Yes, sir.

Go, go.

Staff meeting on a Friday evening.

Naturally, when our resistance is at its lowest.

Mm.

Stevens?

What are you hanging about here for?

- Nothing, Miss Short. - Then cut along.

Yes.

It's time, Mr. Adams. Had you forgotten?

Forgotten? Me?

[chuckles]

Forgotten what?

Mr. Wakefield's meeting.

Any idea what the meeting's about?

Discipline, I hope.

It's high time Wakefield gave his jaw a rest

and his right arm some exercise.

[footsteps approaching]

Uh, sorry, I'm late.

[Wakefield] Ladies, gentlemen,

as you know, I came here to Maudlin Street

straight from training college.

I've been here 20 years.

Seven years as assistant headmaster,

and one term, this term, as acting headmaster

during Mr. Carson's illness.

I've decided it's time for a change.

A brand new school opens next term,

not far from where I was born, in the country.

They've advertised for a headmaster,

and, if I could get that post,

it could hardly be more perfect for me.

- I intend to apply. - Oh...

I'm sure we wish you all the success.

Please, just a moment. I need your help.

That's why I've called you together.

Listen, from the Ministry of Education,

"The ministry is currently granting

"research facilities to Mr. Alistair Grigg,

"the noted child psychiatrist

"in connection with his forthcoming book,

"Contemporary JuvenileBehavior Patterns.

"With him on his tour of schools

"is our own official inspector Miss Felicity Wheeler,

"who reports direct to us

"on the standard of pupil's behavior

"and staff control.

"This is to inform you that Mr. Grigg and Miss Wheeler

"will spend the last week of the current term

"beginning on Monday next at your school

to fulfill their separate missions."

Mr. Wakefield, sir, he must not come here.

That Grigg, he's a lunatic.

I read one of books once, Free Expression.

You know what that means? Sex in the cycle shed.

Really?

How disgusting.

What a reactionary lot you are.

There's something surely to be said

for the psychological approach.

Think of a psychiatrist loose among these children,

telling them that mischief is a form of self expression,

and crime, a complex!

And a Ministry inspector, this Wheeler woman, with him,

reporting on their misbehavior from quite a different angle.

Exactly.

It'll spread through the profession like wildfire,

that staff control here is non-existent.

And there goes Mr. Wakefield's new job, poof.

Precisely.

The Ministry, in killing two birds with one stone,

may, with terrible finality,

kill my chances as well.

Yes, I suppose there is that threat.

Mm, that would be a shame.

Sir, there's only one thing to do to save yourself, whack!

Extraordinary theory.

You bend a child double

in order to give it an upright character.

Have you never sent a pupil to the head for caning?

Of course I have, but never without

a sense of defeat.

Miss Short, Mr. Milton, let me put you

both straight on that score.

I don't like caning, ever,

except as a last resort.

Mr. Grigg is totally opposed to it.

Opposed to it, is he? Ho it tie-to it tie.

He's obviously never faced a class here.

Noxious ninny.

Nevertheless, Mr. Bean, while he's here, caning's out.

Then you're sunk, sir.

Sunk? Oh, no, no, not... not necessarily.

I thought you were asleep.

Hmm?

Oh, just because I don't speak as much as some people do,

it doesn't mean to say that I don't do...

Um, that I'm not... um, I mean, after all,

he who listens most, "lisses meast."

We can't hope to avoid trouble in this school,

so let's try and, uh, keep it away from the visitors

as much as possible.

How can we do this?

By being alert and rallying around Mr. Wakefield.

Sir, may I go now, please?

I've... I've left my Bunsen burning.

[Mr. Wakefield]If I could get that post,

it could hardly be more perfect for me.

I intend to apply.

Now, listen. The plan is, when they arrive,

we'll go upstairs after them.

Look out, Alf might get suspicious.

Now, that's nothing more to tell you now,

but just back us up at all times.

Now break it up, scatter.

Hello, you lot.

Holding a strike meeting, are you?

We were talking about the local team's

disgraceful showing on Saturday, Alf.

Disgraceful? Diabolic, I call it.

- [car honking] - You see the inside right

muff every single pass?

[Stevens] Here come the two we've got to get rid of.

[chattering]

Richard! Come here!

All right!

[boy laughing] Run the other way!

Oh, Miss Wheeler, how nice to see you again.

Hello, Mr. Wakefield.

This is Mr. Grigg, child psychiatrist.

- How do you do? - Welcome, Mr. Grigg.

[ball bounces]

Shall we go inside?

- One week, that's all I'd ask. - That's all we've got.

- Eh? - Till the end of term.

Come on, kids.

[kids clamoring]

[giggling]

Well, they say it's always best to start the day with a song,

so let's begin our tour of inspection

with Mr. Bean's class, shall we?

It's through here.

[Grigg] Who's that?

Miss Allcock.

Miss Allcock.

[bell rings]

Ding-dong.

In addition to teaching French and music,

Mr. Bean organizes and conducts our school orchestra.

We call him our Malcolm Sargent of Maudlin Street.

[giggles]

Doesn't that interfere with their school work at all?

On the contrary, madam, my theory of music teaching is...

Allcock.

I beg your pardon.

Uh, M-Mr. Bean, perhaps you'll start.

But, of course. Do sit down.

Please.

Now, boys and girls, "Ten green bottles."

Stand up. Up, up, up!

[piano flourishing]

♪ Ten green bottles hanging on the wall ♪

♪ Ten green bottles hanging on the wall ♪

♪ And if one green bottle should accidentally fall... ♪

[kids laughing]

♪ Nine green bottles hanging on the wall ♪

♪ Nine green bottles hanging on the wall ♪

♪ And if one green bottle should accidentally fall ♪

♪ There'd be eight green bottles ♪

♪ Hanging on the wall ♪

Oh...

I must diet.

Up, up, up, up, up, up.

Monica dear, keep it up, up, up, up, up, up, up,

up, up, halt.

Feet apart, spring, and relax.

- How do you do? - So pleased to meet you.

Miss Allcock.

Mr. Grigg.

Are you satisfied with your equipment,

Miss Allcock?

Well, I've had no complaint so far. [Laughs]

Oh, uh, equipment?

Yes, yes, I have everything I need, thank you.

Do you find mental relaxation follows

physical activity?

Oh, always.

Splendid. That's all, thank you.

I have one more question.

Do you favor the Swedish method?

Well, I always say it's the same the whole world over.

- [laughs] - [Wakefield] Ha ha...

Shall we have a demonstration, Miss Allcock?

Right-o.

Now, hands on hips, please.

Quite still.

Monica, dear, don't scratch.

And, to the left, two, three, to the right,

two, three.

Forward, two, three, and up.

Yes, a little bit sleepyby's this morning,

aren't we?

Monica, dear, if the elastic's broken,

fall out, if not, stop fidgeting.

And again, hands on hips, please.

And to the left, two, three, to the right,

two, three, forward, two, three, and up.

Feet apart, spring...

hands above head, please.

Fast forward, bend.

Ah, here we are.

Mr. Milton's producing our school play

Romeo & Juliet,

with incidental music composed by Mr. Bean.

You've arrived at a particularly interesting moment.

Not entirely by accident, I dare say. [Chuckles]

We were about to have question time,

questions arising from the play, you know?

You'll find, as I always do,

that Shakespeare has such an ennobling effect

on the young mind.

Do sit down.

I do hope Miss Allcock's pants aren't ruined.

Uh, now, then, boys and girls, who's first?

Ah, Stevens.

Robin Stevens. He's playing Romeo. Well?

Sir, we're working from the school's edition of the play.

Quite correct. Good observant lad.

- What's your question? - Why, sir?

Why what?

Why is there a school's edition of the play?

Well, uh... well, Stevens, it's like this.

Uh, there are certain things in Shakespeare

which young people wouldn't understand.

- Such as, sir? - Uh, be quiet, don't interrupt.

I haven't finished.

In the school's edition, these things are cut out

so that young people can concentrate

on the beautiful use of the English language,

which is Shakespeare's major achievement.

Does that answer your question?

No, sir. Will you give us an example

and see if we can understand it or not?

- No, sit down, Stevens. - But, sir...

Sit down, Stevens!

Questions, someone else?

We really ought to be getting along

to Mr. Adams's class.

No, no, no, this is fascinating.

Penelope Lee.

She's playing Juliet.

Would you care to leave now, Miss Wheeler?

Mr. Grigg can join us later.

No, thank you.

Act 1, scene 5, sir.

Oh, your sweet little scene with the nurse, yes.

"Go ask his name.

"If he be married, my grave is like to be

my wedding bed."

Well, what's your question?

What's a wedding bed?

What do you mean, "What's a wedding bed?"

Well, what's it like?

What's special about a wedding bed?

Well, d-d... I don't see what's that got to do

with Romeo and Juliet.

Phoh! Hell of a lot if you ask me.

[students laughing]

Nobody did ask you, Atkins, be quiet.

I don't think that point's of any great importance, dear.

Oh, but, sir, I have to say it, and I must understand

what I say on the stage.

I'll cut the speech.

There won't be much left of the play at this rate.

Blooming good job, too.

Pat, Atkins, be quiet.

- About this bed... - Wedding beds are bigger.

- Why? - They just are. It's a custom.

No. Really? My dad's got a book,

Marriage Customs Throughout History.

I'm not interested in your dad's marriage customs.

His book, I mean. [Stammering]

Sir, mustn't you sleep in a big bed

if you're not married?

Or in a small bed if you are?

That's quite enough about beds. Next question.

Yes, Irene?

It says in the play Juliet was 14.

Correct. Next question.

She was some teenager.

That's not a question.

Give us a chance. My question is...

Why wasn't we born in Shakespeare's time?

- Cor! - Atkins!

Why wasn't she up before the beak?

The beak?

Magistrate, juvenile court, you know?

I mean, look what she did and at 14.

This all happened a long time ago.

- And in Italy. - Exactly.

W-What do you mean?

Didn't you know, sir?

Girls in Italy sort of...

earlier, something to do with the climate.

Not only in Italy, there's a girl down our street.

I'm not interested in the girl down your street.

Well, you're in a minority. Only last Saturday night...

Be quiet!

This has nothing to do with Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, but it has, sir, she's 14.

Who?

[both] The girl down our street.

Now stop this!

I think I know the girl you mean.

- You would. - Be quiet! Quiet!

I'm not gonna answer any more questions.

[students clamoring]

Oh, sir! Please, sir.

- Please, sir. - Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

All of you! ...Oh.

Did you hear what I said?

Yes, sir.

Then, why is your hand up?

Oh, sir...

Oh, very well, cut along then.

The rest of you, get out your grammar books.

[all groaning]

[desks slamming]

[Wakefield clears throat]

Oh, I-I... Miss Wheeler, I'm terribly sorry.

I don't know what got into them.

I do.

Adolescent curiosity, logically focused,

superb research material.

I couldn't be more pleased if I tried.

Mr. Milton, do they often rag you like this?

Oh, no, no, no, most unusual.

I see.

Uh, nothing personal, Mr. Wakefield,

but I often find that when the real headmaster

is absent, the children seem to sense that there is...

Oh, no, no, not at all. I can't understand it. I... um...

Now, then, Stevens...

- It connects. - Hope it works.

Well, of course it'll work.

Excuse me.

But not today.

We... We were just looking at it, sir.

Well, I'm very well pleased to see you

taking such an interest.

All right, now, to your places.

Well, the actual shape is designed to combat

all the atmospheric pressures and other difficulties

that I've already explained.

Here...

Please don't stop, Mr. Adams.

Thank you, sir.

As I told you, the rocket is a working model

and in a day or so,

I hope to arrange an outing to a suitable open space

where we will launch it.

[chattering]

[gulping]

[voice cracking] Settle down... Down now, please.

I can hardly wait for that moment.

When I place the final component necessary electronically

to activate the rocket...

in here.

Then I shall check the directional fins,

the dispensable boosters,

the streamlined acorn cap

and then, a touch to this button and away.

Isn't it extraordinary, boys and girls,

that this little button here,

absolutely harmless now,

[explosion]

[coughing]

Who did that?

Whodunnit.

English Literature, ennobling.

It's about as ennobling as a spring night in Portside.

They were all I had on.

My piano. Oh, my piano!

Thank your lucky stars they didn't visit your class.

Oof, they're welcome. I have very little trouble.

- Don't depend on it. - On what?

The cane. You can't send 'em upstairs anymore.

Ah, so you're seeing sense at last.

- A few good whackings... - Oh, really, Grace?

This isn't just aimless mischief.

It's planned, coordinated, timed.

I'll say, it's timed.

The second I bent forward...

Oh, for goodness sake, Sarah,

don't go on about your stupid shorts.

You haven't seen the hole in them.

I have no wish to, thank you.

What are a pair of torn shorts beside my piano?

My beautiful, red piano.

Does that mean you won't be able to finish

composing the music for the play?

Real composers don't require pianos.

- It is all in the mind. - Best place for it.

Never wanted my music, have you?

Well, Tchaikovsky would have done me

if I'd had to have music at all. Personally...

Out with it. What's your objection?

Come on, let's have all of it. Come on, let's have it.

All right!

It's already my Herculean task to coax

anything like audibility from these children.

If, in addition, I have to cope with an orchestra

that makes a lullaby sound like the climax to 1812...

You can hear the pin drop during that choir passages.

And I'd rather.

A pin wouldn't have made any difference,

they'd still have split.

Sarah, constant reference to those shorts won't get us

to the bottom of this trouble.

[laughs]

Do you mind?

I demand an apology.

Oh, very well.

I'm sorry... that I ever agreed to have

your wretched music in the first place.

Oh!

I've got it. I think I've got it.

- Got what? - The answer.

The-the reason for the mischief.

By scientific analysis, I suppose.

Look, it's quite simple.

One, the kids know they're guineas,

uh, pigs, f-for Wigg and Griller...

Uh...[laughs nervously] uh, Grigg and Wheeler.

Two, they resent it.

Ergo, three, they aim to chase them

from the premises.

They wouldn't dare if caning was still in force.

Don't you see, look, that's just their good luck?

- It's not their motive. - That makes sense to me.

And I agree with the kids.

The sooner that psychiatric simpleton leaves, the better.

Well, he... he can't leave, he mustn't.

Well, what I mean is, if Mr. Adams is right,

I mean it'd be fatal if... if...

For what little discipline we have got,

i-i-if the children succeeded.

Wouldn't it?

Oh, absolutely, Sarah. They mustn't get away with it.

Yes, next time to live through.

Oh, Grigg and Wheeler must stay.

But how are we going to live through the rest of the week?

But you mustn't apologize, Mr. Wakefield.

No, no, no. What I saw this morning is

a complete vindication of my theory.

The practical jokes are the most valuable pointers

to the inner conflict of childhood.

You don't say.

Take one example, the gym shorts,

it's all in my last book.

Your last book? I'd love to read that.

[laughs] Well, people say it's the nearest thing

in the English language to my dear old Viennese

professor's famous essay,

[speaking German]

Flinging off clothes is a child's passport to happiness.

Ah, dear Professor Schmarower how his eyes would have lit up

to have seen those pants split.

[clears throat]

I take it you don't altogether agree, Miss Wheeler.

Mr. Grigg and I have long since agreed to differ.

Perhaps we can all agree on this, at any rate...

That it will be a poor thing for education

if school teachers couldn't take a practical joke

in the right spirit, eh?

- Oh, certainly. - [chuckling]

Shall we continue our tour?

- Jolly fun. - Ha!

- What's up? - Shh.

How did school lunch go?

Oh, all right, but it's always exhausting to supervise it.

I'd like to get my feet up.

Well, I've been thinking about what Mr. Bean said,

you know, find the ringleaders.

Now, suppose we keep our eyes peeled,

go out on patrol as it were...

think what a triumph it would be

if two women brought in the ringleaders.

Rattling good idea.

Come on, then. Casually, now.

That Atkins boy, I suspected him from the start.

Look, carefully, over there by the radiator.

Maybe they're interfering with the heating system.

Hmm.

That way, quick.

Now then, boys, what are you doing?

Hello, miss.

Well, I don't know about the rest,

but Atkins will never be able to bluff with a hand like that.

Come on.

Hudson!

Yes, sir.

- Strip the board. - Strip them?

Strip.

Oh.

Ah.

Hmm...

[speaking German]

I don't believe it.

[door opens]

All right, sit down.

There's been some trouble this morning.

There isn't going to be any trouble in my classes.

The first one of you to talk

or move out of turn

or in any way disrupt...

Atkins.

What's that?

Your hand, miss.

Right. What size is it?

Outsize?

[chuckles]

Smack size.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, miss.

Right.

We will now spend a quiet, pleasant lesson

considering some of the naughtier problems

presented by fractions and decimals, or else...

Page 45.

[door opens]

Ah, Miss Short.

Excuse me, won't you?

But I'd like to conduct a little experiment on logic.

Certainly.

Thank you.

Pay attention to Mr. Grigg.

Now, children, I'd like you to call out

any two figure numbers.

Now, who is first?

27.

27.

Hmm?

49.

49.

Hmmm... they're puzzled.

So am I.

Wait, the experiment never fails,

someone always questions my actions,

and that someone is the logical element

in the group, you see.

81.

81. Hmm.

65.

Hmm?

33.

33.

Go on, then! Muck about with that.

Oh, ha ha...

[knocking on door]

Ah, come in.

Oh, Adams. Ha ha. So prompt.

- Very glad to see you. - Thank you.

Make yourself comfortable.

Sit down. The chairs are quite safe now.

- Safe, sir? - Shh.

[typing on typewriter]

Keep your voice down, there's a good chap.

Well, Mr. Adams, after this morning

I doubt if I could get a job seeing children

across a busy street, let alone a headmaster ship.

[both laughing]

Well, I must say, sir, you don't seem to be

at all worried by it.

Why should I be? I'm not.

The solution is in this very room.

- Well, I'm afraid, I don't... - Shh. Please, keep it down.

Oh! Sorry, sir.

Now, Adams, let's analyze this scientifically.

Yeah, yes.

If at the end of this week,

Miss Wheeler presents her reports,

and I can't possibly hope to get the job I want,

that's the problem, right?

- Right, yes. - The solution is simple.

Miss Wheeler must be mellowed.

Mellowed?

What makes a woman mellow, Mr. Adams?

What takes her mind off her work?

Love, Mr. Adams.

Why... why are you telling me all this, Mr. Wake? Ahem.

Because the solution is in this very room.

You, Mr. Adams, you are the solution.

[whimpering] Me, sir?

Please, please, keep your voice down, old chap.

...Sake. She's using the next room as her study.

Yeah, but I...

Mr. Adams, Miss Wheeler is in love with you.

- No, please... - Oh, yes.

I saw it this morning, in the lab.

- Oh, no, sir, please. - The sighs were unmistakable.

- No. - She yearns for you.

Oh, no, sir, please. I can't believe it.

It's po... it's po... "nossible," sir.

No, not only "nossible," it's possible.

In fact, it's certain.

Look, sir, how do you know this?

I mean, after all, sir, you... You... you... you are... you're...

You're a bachelor.

But I'm not dead.

Gregory, I'm not just thinking of myself.

Take pity on that poor, frustrated woman in there,

show her a little response,

a little tenderness, a little love.

It's nothing more or less

than your simple duty as a human being.

Look, sir, you know me.

I'll... I'll... I'll do an... do an...

Do a-anything in the world to help you, sir.

You "mow knee," sir. [stuttering indistinctly]

But... wouldn't know what to do, sir.

You wouldn't.

In that new school, there are three laboratories,

all slap bang up-to-date.

I will require the services of a senior

and loyal science master.

- Three? - Three.

Well, I just h-h-h-have to have a little...

Little time for thought.

There is no time for thought.

Only action.

[typewriter clanging]

- Three? - Three.

For you, sir, and for science,

- I'll do my nut... "nutmost." - Good man.

Well done, Adams.

Oh, I knew I could depend on you.

Ah, sonnets of Shakespeare.

"Those lips that Love's own hand did make."

Oh, dear.

"Love-god lying once asleep."

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun."

[sighing]

Oh.

Don't let me distract you, Mr. Adams.

I'm just doing a bit of research.

Oh, so am I.

I always inspect a school library thoroughly.

Oh, of course. Very revealing, I'm sure. [Chuckles]

Um...

Yes?

Well, nothing, nothing.

Miss Wheeler, I have something to say to you.

Yes?

The light makes your hair look like burnished gold.

Your eyes twinkle like the sties in your eyes...

The sky... scars...

What suddenly makes you say that?

I'm... a scientist, you see.

I... I observe these things and I hope you don't mind.

Why should I?

Well, I... I didn't want you to think I was b-being personal.

Aren't you?

Oh, no. Well, I... just scientific.

Oh.

Oh, well, of course.

In that case, I don't mind at all.

[Oh. (Laughs nervously] Good.

[loudly] Miss Wheeler!

Miss Wheeler, there is something I must say to you.

Miss Wheeler...

[whimpers]

Oh, you've fallen.

Yes, Miss Wheeler, that's it, I have.

Miss Wheeler, I've fallen in...

fallen in through the hole of the chair.

Well?

[typing on typewriter]

- Ooh. - [laughter]

Good morning, Miss Allcock.

Good morning, Mr. Grigg.

I'd like to, um, have a long chat with you sometime.

What about?

Physical exercise.

Oh, but of course, uh...

we were told to give you all possible cooperation.

I shan't ask the impossible.

- Sometime today? - Oh, yes.

Oh, good, 'ere.

Oh, I almost forgot, I've got something for you.

- You have, Mr. Grigg? - Hmm, yes.

My latest.

I thought you might be interested.

It's, uh, it's rather advanced.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

You're rather a forward sort of chap all around.

I don't believe in repressing natural instincts.

It's very unhealthy.

Oh, sick-making, I do agree.

I look forward to our little chat, then.

See you later.

Bye.

Thanks for the book.

[whistles silently]

They've taken the pee!

[whistles]

You better top it up.

[whistling]

Oh, let me get this clear, Johann Sebastian Bean.

You want to stop the recitation of the prologue

while you play five minutes music.

The star-crossed lover's theme is vital

to my integrated musical interpretation.

And what, may I ask, does the actor do all this time?

Tap dance?

He could toy with his dirk.

Or he could chuck it at you.

There is no need to be offensive.

- Thank you, Sarah. - Thank you, Sarah.

May I remind you that music is supposed to be

incidental, not dominant.

Thank you, Sarah. Uh, Mr. Milton...

Oh, shut up, Adams. This is a crisis.

- Yes, I know. - Shut up!

Please, gentlemen, I... I just... I'm making out the lighting.

Oh.

All I want you to do there is dazzle his tone deaf

so-called orchestra,

so they can't read their entirely superfluous

so-called music!

Superfluous?

It will be the making of the production.

Poppycock! The play is the thing.

I will not yield a note.

Then, I will not sacrifice the inspired verbal music

of Shakespeare for your dreary dirges!

- Dirges? - Dreary dirges.

- Withdraw that remark. - Never!

I shall be forced to strike you.

You do and I'll break your baton.

Now, now, you two sit down and drink your tea.

Yes, it's getting cold while you're getting hot.

[giggling] How. How.

Drink up, you two, for goodness sake.

Grown men wasting a free period squabbling.

I say, Sarah, do you think I might possibly

have another cup?

Going my way?

Possibly. I'm gonna check up on some facts.

- With Mr. Adams? - Yes, as it happens.

- I see. - There's nothing to see.

I'm a psychiatrist, you know?

You forget yourself, Mr. Grigg.

[singing indistinctly]

♪ Five school teachers ♪

♪ [indistinct] ♪

[all laughing]

♪ Five school teachers ♪

Oh! [Laughing]

[singing and laughing]

Ooh!

[sniffing]

You're drunk!

Watch your hands!

Miss Allcock!

Or I'll flatten you out like a carpet,

you slanderous cat!

Whoa

[laughs]

Miss Allcock!

[hiccups]

Alistair.

I'm dreaming.

What a pity, I'm only dreaming.

Sarah.

Oh, it's so real.

Uhh. Oh. Ooh. Ooh, it's no dream.

Oh.

Ooh, there was alcohol in that tea.

What... what are you doing here?

You were dreaming about me.

Well, I... I can't help my dreams.

I can... help them to come true.

Mr. Grigg?

That's a retrogressive step.

You called me Alistair just now.

Well, I-I-I'm not myself, don't confuse me.

There's no confusion.

They happen to be my dreams, too.

Alistair.

Sarah.

Oh, Sarah, I knew you were for me, the moment,

the magic moment when our eyes first met,

flamed, sparked.

Oh, you mad fool!

Ooh, I say, steady on!

Don't worry, darling. I've studied judo.

I know every muscle in the human body.

Alistair.

Oh, n... I Ooh. Now, wait.

Did I hurt you, darling?

Oh, no, no. No. Ooh, g... ha ha...

I... we must meet... tonight.

Oh, I can't.

I do the women's league of health and beauty Tuesdays.

Tomorrow night?

Till then...

Oh, my darling.

Oh. [Laughs] Oh, my darling.

Alistair.

- Oh! - Oh!

Oh, my sweetheart! Oh!

Ow!

Now, look here, William Wakefield.

You'll get nowhere by wheeling and whining.

Be firm with her.

My staff, Miss Wheeler,

is not in the habit of being drunk on duty.

The explanation is quite simple.

Some alcohol from the laboratory found its way

into the staff room kettle.

It happens all the time.

No.

Uh... t-these things happen. Satisfied?

No. I don't blame you.

[typing]

What am I to tell her?

[knocking on door]

Ah, Mr. Adams, my dear fellow.

You have news for me.

Yes.

No. She sent for me, sir.

Heaven be praised. You've made an impact.

No...

Ah, I see it all.

She only pretends she wants to see you

for a staff interview, routine,

when all the time...

No, sir. I'm sorry, sir. Look, I-I just can't do it, sir.

I just... I-i-it...

You know, you don't realize, sir,

what this takes out of me.

But, Adams, you're on the threshold

of three laboratories.

Sorry, sir, just can't do it.

Not even if you gave me [indistinct], sir.

You've got to go in there, please,

make some excuse for me.

Sir, I-I-I just can't do it. Get me out of it, please.

How can I explain after that Bacchanalia

this morning?

I'm in book, your ball's in play.

But this is nothing but bank mail... black...

Baro-boro-moro-blank mail, sir.

Let's, uh... let's face it, Adams.

This is plain, straightforward blackmail.

- Th... three labs. - Get in there.

Come on, man.

Come on, Adams, there's a good chap.

No.

[door shuts]

Sit down, please.

Now, Mr. Adams, just a few questions.

Yes.

I understand you built that rocket alone?

Yes, oh, yes, yes.

And that you also constructed the lighting console

for the school play?

Yes, j-j-just a little, uh, job I knocked up.

You obviously devote a great deal of your spare time

to school projects.

Yes.

They keep me occupied in the evenings.

Fully?

F-f-f-fully?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Did I startle you?

N-n-n-no. [Clears throat] No.

You're surely not intimidated by inspectors.

We are not such ogres, you know?

At least, I hope I'm not.

Th-th-thank you very much.

W-well, Miss Wheeler, have you any f-further questions

you'd like to ask?

- No. - Thank you.

Oh, j-just a minute.

I always give the teachers an opportunity

to question me on Ministry policy, or anything.

Anything.

Miss Wheeler, there is something

I wanted t-t... not to ask you, but to tell you,

uh, something that has been nagging at me, nagging,

nagging at me, so much so, in fact,

that I've hardly been able to concentrate

on what you were s-saying because of it.

Miss Wheeler...

I've hardly been able to take my eyes off you.

I hope you don't think I'm being personal...

or, um, presuming too much.

Well...

[clears throat]

Miss Wheeler...

there is something I want to tell you.

You've got a nose on your face, and you're smart.

[hysterically] You're smart.

[door slams]

[whimpering]

[door slams]

Well, Milton, what sort of a morning have you had?

Since you ask, exceptionally quiet.

Uh-huh. Took my advice, eh?

There's no doubt about it, firmness pays.

Miss Sh-Short, Milton, something wonderful's happened.

- What? - Nothing. Nothing.

That's just it. Isn't it marvelous?

I-I've taken two classes this morning

and nothing's happened,

just honest to goodness teaching, that's all.

- Cor. - I've never felt so happy.

My, my, we are a happy lot this morning.

The girls, they're so cooperative.

I've never known anything like it.

What a change in the children.

It's just like a miracle.

You two, too?

Tut-tut. Such clumsy phrasing.

[snorts] You two too... tut-tut.

[giggling]

It's been marvelous.

Not a prank all morning.

Well, trouble's over, back to normal.

I say, just a minute.

They might be lulling us into a false sense of security.

Oh, nonsense! It's because we've been firm,

that's what's done it.

- I always maintain. - Thank you and goodnight.

I'm trying to work on an idea for the crypt scene.

Oh, creep off.

[snorts]

Excuse me, I've got to cake a phone w... uh...

a t-t-telephone. [Whistles]

Well, it's wonderful to think that all our troubles are over.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Ow! Is this somebody's... - [Sarah] Oh, help him up.

[Milton] Some idea of a little practical joke.

Oh, good grief...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, careful.

I might have hurt my spine. Well, it's so ridiculous.

Oh.

[honking]

Oh.

[honking]

Trouble's over, eh?

Please.

I say, look, put piece polish

all over the ear boot... Uh, piece of the tele...

Oh, no. What's this? Aah!

Look, it's stuck.

It... get... get... get off.

[hysterically] Certainly it's a dirty little...

Firmness pays, does it? [Chuckles]

I am going to report this to Mr. Wakefield.

[screams]

Help, somebody! Help!

My goodness, come here.

[crying]

- Come on. - That's right.

Put your legs up.

Oh, look out!

[all screaming]

Are you all right, Adams?

How ridiculous practical jokes.

[coughs and sneezes]

I'm going to Mr. Wakefield.

Oh!

I'm going to insist.

- [buzzing] - [shouting]

What on earth is going on in there?

[screaming]

Halt! Aaah!

[clamoring]

I can't stand anymore. I can't!

I... I...

What are you doing here, Stevens?

Running an errand, miss.

- Well, run. - Yes, miss.

You see, sir, these six children want to attend the exhibition

only when they know that Grigg and Wheeler will be there.

- Mm-hmm? - Well, don't you see, sir?

- They are the ringleaders. - Hmm.

Seizing this opportunity to make trouble

wherever Grigg and Miss Wheeler may be.

An alert and genius deduction, Miss Short, but no proof.

We'll watch them, get proof,

and then six of the best apiece.

I don't like caning, you know that.

And I like spying even less.

It's the only way.

Leave it to me, I'll arrange everything.

What did I tell you? They're on to us.

They'll be watching us now.

Yeah, blooming notice. Well, that's that.

All operations canceled?

No!

Good generals take advantage of setbacks,

turn them into victories.

Now, that's what we'll do.

[Mr. Wakefield] I wish to apply...

for the post of headmaster...

[screams]

[typing]

Sarah. Sarah, my darling.

It's all over.

Over? But... but last night...

Excuse me, please, I want to leave the room.

Sarah, darling, what have I done?

- This! - That?

That's changed your feelings towards me?

Do you think I, a working teacher,

could give my heart to the altar

of this treacherous tripe, this stab-in-the-back

to the entire profession?

How dare you? I studied in Vienna.

And I teach here!

This is all mushy theory, and I know children.

You know? What do you know?

You know it's easier to stand in the path of progress

than meet new ideas halfway?

God, you're talking just like an ignorant,

Victorian, muscle-bound government.

I'd rather be that than a namby-pamby,

starry-eyed, head shrinking twerp!

Oh! You listen to me. No, I...[huffing]

Sarah, we're arguing.

What a brilliant analysis.

We mustn't argue. No, no, Sarah, let's...

Let's nothing. It's all over.

Over? But, darling, I love you.

What am I going to do?

See chapter five.

Chapter five?

Oh... ah...

What's the matter with Miss Allcock?

She looks very distressed.

- Mr. Grigg! - What?

What? Oh.

I... No, I... No...

Well, I... I found them in my... In my pocket. I...

All set, know what to do this break?

Operation "War of Nerves."

Okay, now watch your timing. Scatter.

Right, now, you all know what to do.

Watch the suspects during this break.

Take them to Wakefield if we spot anything suspicious.

Well, you might sound a little keener.

This time the search is narrowed down.

We know who to watch, those six.

Well, I'd plan something else during this break.

Me too. Music doesn't write itself, you know?

Oh, really, you might be a little more cooperative.

I promised Mr. Wakefield.

I can't be expected to watch six children all by myself.

All right, we'll do...

[indistinct chatter]

[sniffs]

[glass clinking]

Toluene.

Nitric acid.

Hmm.

And these add up to TNT.

([hoarsely) Mr. Wakefield!

Excuse me, sir.

Can you give us a book on terrorism?

Yes.

Bangs That Made History.

Thank you, sir.

[door shuts]

Terrorism?

Those two?

- [silently] - Well, what is it?

A b-b-b... a bomb.

They're baking a "momb."

I know.

[silently]

- Milton. - [gasps] Oh!

Don't do that.

I just heard Haig and Dale plotting an explosion.

Same here. Lee and Gordon.

- Oh, come on. - All right.

Silly fools.

I'm not going to waste my time. Huh!

It's all in my do-it-yourself book, how to make a bomb.

Ta-ta-ta-ta-tat.

Take a container, detonator, sulfur,

potassium nitrate, and carbon,

anyone can make gunpowder, you'll see.

I can't wait.

Mr. Wakefield. Mr. Wakefield!

Mr. Wakefield!

- ...right. - She saw us all right.

Good.

Now, now, girls.

You know you're not allowed in classrooms during break.

Bombs?

Why were you out of bounds in the stores room, Bird?

Ask Mr. Adams, sir.

Why ask me?

You know I'm interested in science, sir.

I was just looking around.

And the disturbed bottles?

Just reading the labels, sir.

Did you remove any of the contents?

Why should I do that, sir?

To make a bomb.

Is Mr. Adams feeling all right, sir?

Bird, tell the truth.

I am, sir. Look, why doesn't Mr. Adams check the bottles?

Check?

Yes, you'll not find anything missing.

Have you done that, Mr. Adams?

Well, no, sir. You see, I...

Kindly do so at once.

Yes, Mr. Wakefield.

Wait in the next room, Bird.

Yes, sir.

Why did you borrow this book?

Just for private study, sir.

We're doing modern history, sir,

that's full of bangs.

Why were you in the classroom during break?

To get a bit of peace and quiet, sir,

to read the book.

Well, why didn't you explain before running away?

Well, miss, there's been so much bad behavior

just lately, we thought we'll be made an example of.

Where is the bomb?

[both] The what, miss?

The bomb.

Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb!

[both] Bomb diddly omb-bomb, bomb bomb.

Wait in the next room.

[knocking on door]

[Mr. Wakefield] Come in.

What's all this about, sir?

You and Sheila were discussing the making of gunpowder.

That's right, sir.

For Guy Fawkes Day.

That's not for months.

Well, we're always being told to plan ahead.

It won't work, Haig.

It will. There's full instructions in this book.

I'm not talking about fireworks.

Well, I am.

We seem to be at cross purposes here.

We do indeed.

Now, keep quiet and listen.

Your excuse is flimsy in the extreme considering...

Considering there's no smoke without fire.

Excuse me, miss,

but that's the daftest proverb going.

I mean, sometimes there's whacking great clouds of smoke

without so much as a spark.

It all depends on what you want to believe.

Now take propaganda.

Haig, Sheila, wait in the next room.

Well?

Could we possibly be mistaken, all of us?

No.

Wait till Stevens is rounded up.

He is the real ringleader. You'll see.

Will we?

Or will we learn from children that quite often, and I quote,

"There's whacking great clouds of smoke

without so much as a spark.”

Unquote.

[clock ticking]

A time bomb.

[alarm blaring]

[screams]

[panting]

Sarah, where are the extra chairs?

I wouldn't be surprised if the little darlings

were chopping them out for a bonfire.

Charming.

- I better check. - Hmm.

Come on, back up, you lot.

We'll never get the curtain up at this rate.

Miss Allcock?

Please go away, I'm very busy.

You've got to listen. I got the whole thing analyzed.

Take your hands off me, Mr. Grigg.

You know I've studied judo.

I love you, and you love me,

but because this has happened so quickly,

you feel robbed of the exquisite tensions of courtship.

Let go!

Your rejection of me is just an elaborate psychic

ruse to provoke the ritual of courtship.

I know, Sarah, it's too late for that now.

Our love is too certain. You know I'm right.

Don't try and shift me.

[groans]

Come along, children, stop larking about!

But I love you, Miss Allcock.

Mr. Adams?

Miss Wheeler, I want to talk to you.

- Right now? - Right now.

Sit down, please.

- But there's a meeting. - Sit down.

Miss Wheeler,

I've worked the whole thing out scientifically.

Mr. Adams, whatever are you talking about?

- Us. - Us?

- Miss Wheeler, I love you. - Do you?

Don't question the facts, please.

It's most unscientific.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I dare say, though, you'd like to know

the background to this fact.

If you don't mind.

Of course.

During the last few days,

I have attempted to pay court...

I believe that's the correct term,

to pay court to you.

These attempts, for reasons I shall explain later,

were not genuinely based.

Therefore, they failed.

I escaped in confusion,

resolved never to attempt the experiment again.

After the last attempt, however,

an extraordinary reaction set in.

Far from never wanting to see you again,

I was progressively gripped by a...

a panic...

that I wouldn't ever be alone with you again,

and I wanted to be with you.

A heart-aching want.

So, here I am.

Well, that is the background to the fact

I mentioned to you just now, Miss Wheeler.

The fact that after...

a-a-an uncertain and wrong beginning,

I have now, actually,

fallen in love with you, Miss Wheeler.

I must have done, to feel the way I feel now.

How do you feel?

Your collar's frayed,

there's a button missing on your jacket,

and your hair wants cutting.

You need looking after.

I'd like to do that.

Oh, Felicity.

May I...

May I hold you?

It's necessary, scientifically.

Marry me?

I didn't muddle one phrase, did I?

Well, you couldn't very well muddle that last one.

Thank goodness.

Felicity, there's something

I've got to tell you or explain, I must confess.

Later. We really must go to that meeting.

Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Ladies and gentlemen,

this meeting has been called

at the urgent request of Mr. Grigg.

Now there's very little time

before the school play performance,

so without further ado, Mr. Grigg.

Thank you.

I, um...

I leave Maudlin Street tomorrow

with my research work incomplete.

It's obvious, I think,

that four days is woefully inadequate

in which to study the phenomenon

of behavior patterns at this school.

That's, um, that's where you come in.

You five teachers, you seem to have been at the center

of the week's events.

I propose to consult with you all at length

during the school hours

to, uh, to draw on your experience

and your opinions. After all, uh... you, uh...

you know the children,

you're here all the time as practicing teachers.

- [yelps] - To start with, however,

I'll be grateful for your you're here all the time

preliminary thoughts here now.

That, um, doesn't mean, of course,

that I haven't a preliminary theory of my own.

Your imperturbable...

[squealing and fussing]

Your, uh, imperturbable acting headmaster

doesn't altogether agree with me,

but it's, um... it's my belief,

that we are, uh, witnessing a... a mass juvenile hysteria...

Ah, whoa! An un...

Unknown since the, uh, children's crusades...

of the M... Middle Ages. Ooh!

Thank you, Mr. Grigg.

Before throwing this open to the meeting,

I'd like to make my position...

my position clear.

The essence of hysteria is in my view

that it's sustained continuous...

it's been so spasmodic.

For example, since this morning's bomb hooks,

things have been quiet,

free from irritation for all of us.

Miss Allcock, you wish to make your

views known?

Physical exercise, that's the answer.

There's nothing like it for working off

potentially dangerous surplus energy.

It's all in the spine, you know?

Oh, yes, all right.

There's a wonderful new exercise, I'll show you.

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, that's just wonderful.

May I join you?

Oh, be my guest.

[moaning and giggling]

Miss Allcock!

Mr. Adams!

Sit down.

Please, sit down.

Mr. Milton, haven't you something to say?

Oh!

Uh, as I see it,

willful lack of extra curricular intellectual activity.

- Ooh! - Is causative...

- Oh-ooh. Ha ha ha! - In this matter.

A mock parliament, sir, debating societies,

[yelping and giggling]

It's, um, intellectual stimulation of this kind

that's required to satisfy the juvenile itch.

Shut up, you jackass!

Sorry, I can't help it.

You see, I get all... Whoa! Wah! [Giggling]

Mr. Bean!

[Sarah] Ooh!

Ah!

- You and your psychiatry! - Miss Short!

The baa-lambs have drenched your very room in itching powder.

How does he analyze that?!

Scratch my back, please.

Never.

No, never!

Oh, oh, please.

Please, help.

Help, help.

Scratch my back.

[clamoring]

[soft music playing]

[playing out of tune]

If music be the food of love...

belt up.

All right, now this is the biggest operation so far.

Now, make it good, that's all.

[laughter]

I'm terribly s... Oh, dear.

Get off, get off.

But the curtain's up.

Get off!

This is my bit. You get off!

Don't you tell me what to do...

Oh!

[laughter]

Two households, both alike in dignity.

Shut up.

I'm on.

In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,

where civil blood makes civil hands unclean...

Oh, can't you follow a cue sheet?

It's simple enough. What a start.

What a start!

[music stops]

That's better.

From forth the fatal loins of these two foes,

a pair of star-crossed lovers

take their life.

[music screeching]

Look, I never touched the switch.

- Did you? - —I...

Don't talk to Felicity like that.

Oh, so it's Felicity now, is it?

Oh, now I understand.

Understand what?

What you were touching at the time.

How would you like a punch on the nose?

Shh. The play.

[Gregory] Shut up, will you?

[Felicity] Don't you talk to me like that!

I shouldn't be here. I'm going.

You stay where you are!

The music. Flaming theme.

Psst.

Psst.

[audience laughing]

What?

Toy with your dagger.

Eh?

Toy with the blade.

Sorry, can't hear you, Mr. Milton.

Excuse me.

[audience laughing]

Go back! Go back!

Oh, make up your mind, do!

Oh.

But, soft!

What light through yonder window breaks?

[metal clattering]

[laughter]

It is the East, and Juliet, the sun.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo!

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Ooh, sorry.

- [laughter] - It's all right, carry on.

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,

and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Well, come on, is anyone gonna help me?

Oh, no, no.

Stand still.

You're pulling me.

See, you. That's it.

Don't pull me back.

Do I have to wait up here all night?

Juliet, it's, uh, wilt thou belt up?

Oh, what a brandy!

[groans]

Oh, ta.

"Ta"?

After all I've taught them.

That's all right.

Glad to help.

Now, where were we?

And I'll no longer be a Capulet.

Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

[laughter]

[drumming continues]

[all playing out of tune]

Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things.

Some shall be pardoned, and some punished.

For never was a story of more woe

than this of Juliet and her Romeo.

Careful.

[laughter]

Get the curtain down.

[laughter]

[screaming]

The... the wires must be crossed.

Turn it down, pull it down, burn it down!

Only get it down!

Ooh, come on!

Hey, Hudson! Thompson!

Turn it off! Try and get the...

Thompson, try and get that thing turned off!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm afraid we've experienced a slight technical glitch,

but I'm sure if you bear with us for a moment.

It seems that two wires have become crossed,

and I wish I were dead.

Bean!

Milton!

[screaming]

Mr. Wakefield!

Mr. Wake...

[sighs]

You're getting overconfident,

nobody on watch.

Let's see what you have in store

for end of term prize giving, shall we?

[clicking tongue]

Same trick as before.

Your inventiveness is flagging.

Itching powder, again?

You are repeating yourselves.

I suppose the piano is rigged to collapse

during the school song, hmm?

Flour, again?

Couldn't you have found some soot just for a change?

You will dismantle these amusing tricks at once.

In 20 years, I have never punished anyone

on the last day of term,

but you boys will report to me

immediately after prize giving.

Clear?

Take "em down.

Come, let's clear up.

Haven't you anything to say for yourselves?

D'ah...

Stevens?

Sir, wait, wait.

It's all a mistake, sir.

I'll do you.

Thanks to Penelope's common sense

in approaching me...

Don't listen to her, sir.

Be quiet, Stevens!

Miss Short,

what did Penelope say to justify this intrusion?

She has told me, sir,

the reason for this week's untoward events.

Mr. Wakefield...

these children discovered you were planning to leave.

They don't want you to leave.

It's as simple as that.

They feel, as does the entire school,

that Maudlin Street...

wouldn't be the same without you.

They thought of getting up a petition,

but decided that wasn't certain to succeed.

Besides, such an action

was considered by them to be soft,

not the Maudlin Street way.

So, with all the circumstances in their favor,

they decided to make sure

you would never obtain a post anywhere else,

and launched their campaign to that end,

with the whole school behind them.

You may wish to proceed with punishing these boys.

Personally...

I would count to my years in the profession well spent

if they do half as much to make me stay among them.

Now I know there's something to child psychiatry, and...

oh, I do love you.

Oh, there, there, there.

But if any of our kids deserve a thick ear

they get it, right?

Of course.

But, oh, just between you and me,

I realized long ago

that free expression is just the thing

for, um, other people's children.

[laughing] Oh!

There he is!

[all] We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie! We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie! We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie! We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie! We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie! We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

We want Wakie!

Have a good holiday, all of you.

See you next term.

[loud cheering]

Ooh!