Original subtitles

(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)

This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship "Red Dwarf".

The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.

The only survivors were: Dave Lister,

who was in suspended animation during the disaster,

and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the hold.

Revived three million years later,

Lister's only companions are: a life form who evolved from his cat

and Arnold Rimmer - a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew.

I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6,000 -

the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.

# In a crater, on a ast'roid excavating for a mine,

# Lived an old plutonium miner, and his daughter Clementine #

- Lister. RD 52 169. - Yeth? Can I help you?

- You've got a lisp. - Yeth, I know.

The lithp malfunction has been reported to the Thkutterth. Thorry for the inconvenienth.

Give me a bacon sandwich with French mustard and black coffee.

(MACHINE HUMS)

Your vocabulary unit's not working either.

Yeth, I know. Thith altho hath been reported to the Thkutterth.Thorry for the inconvenienth.

- Can you just try and give me a black coffee? - l'll thertainly try.

- That's a bucket. - Thorry.

# Do, do, do, da da...# Morning, Lister.

How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik?

What's the plan for today, then?

Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon,

then a snooze before the main evening slob?

God, you're a disgrace to the species!

Good morning, Rimmer.

Clock stop! 6.47. Not a bad little time for the mile.

Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.

I had that conversation with Lister. Knock...4 minutes off for that.

but I stopped to have a rest, so I wouldn't look too shagged out when I went past him.

Knock *that* off and...I've broken the world record!

Well done, Rimmsy, you're fitter than you thought. Holly, give me a clean uniform.

- 9:47 am, Arnold. - No, a clean uniform, you idiot.

- Look, I'm rather busy at the moment. - Now!

(HOLLY SIGHS)

And give me a crewcut, Holly. I'm beginning to look like one of those Hell's Angels.

Arnold, we're going to hit light speed in 24 hours.

I have to navigate a ship the size of a city

through speeds never before encountered in the human sphere of experience

I'm not a combination of the Speaking Clock, Moss Bros and Teasy-Weasy.

Holly, a hologram I may be.

But I'm still the highest ranking technician aboard this ship.

When I say do something, you do it.

Understand? You stupid, jumped-up filofax.

- I'm a what? - You heard.

- Just get on with it. Very short. - OK, Arnold.

- Have you done it, Hol? - Yes.

- A crewcut, and it's very short? - Yes, Arnold.

As my father always said, shiny clean boots

and a spanking short haircut, and you can cope with anything.

He said that just before all that unfortunate suicide business.

Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley Speed.

He played for the London Jets Zero Gravity Football Team.

He was Roof Attack.

And as you can see, he was really, really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me.

- Who's that guy? - That's me grandmother.

She brought me up. She was a great old lady.

i got expelled from school once because she nutted the headmaster when I came bottom in French.

Wow. That's nice.

It's just a Jupiter rise. Everyone takes that shot.

Who is that?!

That's me Dad. It's the only picture I've got of him.

He's your father? No wonder you so ugly.

- No, that's his dog, Hannah. - Dawwg? What's a dawwg?

- It's just a pet. - Ugleeeeee!

Listen, you go get your stuff and let me pack mine. OK, will you do that for me?

This...er 'dog'. He better not be around here anyplace, because if he is I may have to chase him.

- Oh, yeah. -Yeah

-Do you know how big they are?

They're about 18 foot long and they've got teeth as big as your leg.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Well, I may have to chase him anyway.

Oh!

Oh, Lennon! Look what's happened to McCartney.

So, mechanical engineering!

Hey! Perfection!

And they said you was a waste of money.

- What's he looking at? - Who?

That idiotic cat.

- Rimmer, what have you done to your hair? - Holly did it.

- Why? - Because I ordered him to.

- It looks ridiculous. - It may look ridiculous to you, Lister

but I like it like this. makes me feel like a man.

Yeah. And you'll probably get one, looking like that.

Nothing wrong with short hair, Lister. It gives a man a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.

- Rimmer, have you seen it? - I don't need to see it.

I didn't get this haircut to look good.

This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in.

Maybe a bit severe. A bit too Green Beret.

But you are how you look, and I look... like a complete and total tit!

Holly! Holly!

This is a recording. I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment.

If you'd like to leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you.

Bleep.

Holly, this is Rimmer. Remember me? Rimmer.

Arnold Rimmer. The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro.

I'll see you toast on the fires of Hell for this.

Did someone say they wanted toast?

Shut up.

- What are you doing? - I'm going into stasis, I thought Holly told you?

Stasis? What for?

Well, Holly said to go into it while we went through light speed.

And then I thought, what the hell, why not stay till we get back to Earth.

Earth?! But, that's three million years away.

You can't leave me alone for three million years, I'll go peculiar.

Holly, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude.

Can I please have my own hair back?

- Pretty please, with sugar on? - I'll think about it, Arnold.

Holly's supposed to have told you. I thought you didn't mind.

Mind? Mind? Why should I mind?

Three hundred thousand millennia alone, while you're in suspended animation?

I'll be fine, I'll do that crossword book - that should kill a couple of centuries.

Holly'll switch you off until we come back out.

Even better, switch me on, switch me off, like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.

- Oh, come on, Rimmer. Don't give me this. - Don't give you what?

I'm dead, Lister, or hadn't you noticed?

I know you're dead, Rimmer, don't whinge on about it!

Sorry to be a bore.

I mean, you're everything you were when you were alive.

Same personality, same everything.

Apart from the miniscule detail that I'm a stiffy.

Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days.

It doesn't screw up your career like it used to.

That's what they say, Lister, but if you had two people coming for a job

and one of them was dead, which would you pick?

it depends which was better qualified.

Bullpats. When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader?

Channel 27 had a hologram reading the news.

Oh...groovy, funky Channel 27.

Big smegging deal. You livvies hate us deadies.

Rimmer, If I'm gonna go back to Earth, I'm going to have to go into stasis.

It's gonna take 4,000 years just to turn around.

You can't do a three-point turn when you're this close to Light speed, you know?

Oh, really? And where did you read that? The Ladybird Book of Astronavigation?

It happens to be true.

I know, it's true, modo. I have taken the astronavigation exam. Nine times.

Ten, if you count the time I had my spasm.

Rimmer, you'll only be turned off until we get back to Earth.

Where you won't need me, so I won't get switched back on.

They might be able to cure you. They probably made great advances and that while we've been away.

Oh, yes I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth.

I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead.

"Hello, Mrs Johnson, take one of these three times a day,

"you'll soon be living again. Carole, next corpse, please."

- They might. - Yes, Lister, they might if the Earth hasn't blown up.

Or the ants haven't taken over.

well, you'll be in your element if the insects are in control. You'll probably get a decent job at last.

- Yeah, yeah. - You'll probably run for government.

- Yeah, yeah. - You'll probably even make it as a male model.

Git.

# To Ganymede and Titan

# Yes, sir, I've been around.

# But there ain't no place in the whole of...space

# Like that good ol' toddlin' town...

# Oh, oohh...

# Lunar City... #

# Lunar City 7... #

You can't sing, you know.

- You can, can you? - Oh, just because I'm a toaster, I'm tone deaf?

Well, go on, then.

(SMOOTH VOICE) Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom...

# Fly me to the moon and let me... #

# Lunar City 7... #

(LISTER CONTINUES SINGING)

- What was that?! - Er, 11:14 Ship Time, Dave.

No, Holly, what was that flash?

We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early.

Is everyone all right?

I can't do it. I can't cope.

We're going at the speed of light. Me bottle's gone.

Holly, is everyone all right?

No, I'm not. I thought I could navigate at light speed

but I just can't wrap me head round it.

Gordon Bennet, that was a close one!

Holly, what's the problem? You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000 aren't ya?

Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light.

That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it.

Even with an IQ of 6,000, it's still brown trousers time.

Can I help?

No, it's all right. I'm getting the hang of it now.

Left a bit..straighten her up. I better go.

# To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around... #

Rimmer! Rimmer!

(SILENT)

(SILENT)

# To Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been... #

Rimmer!

What? What is it?

Do you see anything really weird in that mirror?

Yes. You, you ugly goit.

- No. It was really odd. - What was?

Nothing. Forget it, doesn't matter.

- What doesn't matter? - Nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter.

Lister, have you been at that marijuana gin again?

I said forget it! It doesn't matter.

Fine! Well, if you have more problems with nothing

and things that don't matter, just scream my name hysterically,

and I'll come pelting down the corridor, alright?

# This little kitty went to stasis...

# This little kitty stayed at home

# Ooohh, aaaahh, tcheee...

- # My clothes look good...# - What are you doing?

I'm doing what you said do.

I said, "take a few essential basics you couldn't bear to leave behind."

Right. These are all I'm taking.

Just these and the other ten racks. Travel light, move fast.

You can't take all of this. There's no room.

OK. Then I'll leave...this.

I'll just have to do without it.

- You can take two suits and that's it! - Two suits?

- Then I'm staying. - You can't stay.

- When I come out, you'll be dead. - Two suits IS dead.

If I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three?

Going into stasis in 10 minutes, I'll meet you in the sleeping quarters.

- Yo, Rimmer, look I've been thinking. - What?

- You know, about going into stasis and everything? - How did I do what?

What do you mean, "How did I do what?"

- Lister, don't be a gimboid. - I'm not being a gimboid.

I've just been in the library thinking, and I've decided...

Shut up.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,

I've decided when you go into stasis I want to stay behind, I wanna be left on.

On your own, for the rest of your life?

- What things? - Eh?!

- I said, what?! - What's going on?

- You are space crazy. - I'M space crazy?!

You're the one who's...space crazy.

Well, it probably is déja-vu. It sounds like it.

Aaaagh! Rimmer, I've just seen you walk out of that door.

- What? - How did you do that?

- How did I do what? - You just this second walked out of that door.

Lister, don't be a gimboid.

I swear, on me grandmother's life, as you walked out that door, you came in this one.

I've just been in the library, thinking and I've decided...

- Rimmer, I'm telling you... - Shut up.

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,

I've decided when you go into stasis I want to stay behind, I wanna be left on.

Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.

- What things? - You said that.

- I said what?! - And that. You said that.

- You are space crazy. - And then you said...

"Well, it probably is déja-vu."

Well, it probably is déja-vu. It sounds like it.

Well, go on, then: shake your head and walk out.

Rimmer, listen. Will you just listen?

My tooth! My tooth! I think I lost my tooth!

Cat, wait. Rimmer, listen.

# I'm gonna eat you little fishies #

# I'm gonna eat you litt-- # oh-oh...ah-ha!

I was just making sure your fish are OK. I wasn't going to eat them.

- He just walked past us. - It must be something to do with light speed.

- Holly, what's going on? - It's light speed, I bet ya.

- Is your name Holly? - "Is your name Holly" (?)

- Holly! - Hmm?

What is going on?

Look, I'm a 10th generation Al hologramic computer. I'm not your mum.

Yes, fantastic.

Do you want this time? A hand with your homework?

Or would you like me to sew little nametags in your PE kit?

Holly, watch my lips. What is hap-pen-ing?

With the mirror, the cat, everything...

Oh that. You're seeing future echoes. Didn't I explain this to you?

What are future echoes?

- How simple do you want this? - So Lister can understand it.

Oh, dear.

Difficult, I know.

We're travelling faster than L.S. Right?

- What's LS.? - Light Speed.

- Smartarse.

Consequently, You're catching up with things you're about to do before you've actually done them.

- Ah, so we're seeing bits of the future? - Yes.

See, I told you it was light speed. You should've asked me.

- Can they see us? - Of course not. Use your loaf.

So, wait. Are you saying the Cat is gonna break his tooth some time in the future?

Yes, I didn't think you wanted it THIS simple.

Hey, ain't nobody gonna break my tooth.

How long is this going to last?

Until the reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed.

- What's that photograph? - It's me and Frankenstein, isn't it?

- No. The one with the babies. - Babies? I've never seen it before.

Holly, is this what you call a future echo?

Yes, of course it is! Bozo.

Two babies. How do I get two babies?

# Ganymede and Titan, Yes, sir, I've been around

# But there ain't no place in the whole of space #

What's this, guys?

"Don't go into stasis. Please don't leave us with Rimmer."

I'm sorry, guys, I've got to. We need you.

There's nothing for me here. I want to go back to Earth.

Oh, don't do that! I don't care what it's like. It's gotta be better than this.

I don't care if the dolphins have taken over and all the people are in the human being-atarium. You know?

I just want to find out.

(EXPLOSION) What was that?!

- What was that? - Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister

- but I just saw you die. - What?

I did warn you to brace yourself.

- You didn't give me much of a chance. - I gave you ample bracing time.

You didn't...you didn't even pause.

Well, I'm sorry. I've just had a rather nasty experience.

I have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way!

- Yeah, me! - You were fiddling around with the navicomp...

I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know.

- You don't want to know how you die? - No! Was it quick?

We-ell, I wouldn't say it was super-fast.

Not if you count the thrashing around and agonised squealing.

- You're really loving this, aren't you? - What a horrible thing to say.

- It was definitely me? - Oh, yes.

I don't wanna know.

- How old did I look? - How old are you now?

- 25. How old did I look? - Mid-twenties.

Smeg! I'm not ready. I'm not smegging ready!

You did seem surprised.

Ah, did you actually see me face?

You were wearing a hat, but it was definitely you.

Well, there you go. I won't wear a hat then it can't happen. Can it?

- I can live without a hat. - Lister, it has happened.

You can't change it any more than you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday.

It hasn't happened, has it? It has will have going to have happened,

happened but it hasn't actually happened, happened yet, actually.

Poppycock. It will be happened, it shall be going to be happening,

it will be was an event that could will have been taken place in the future.

Simple as that. Your bucket's been kicked, baby.

- Says you. - Says me and Albert Einstein, thank you very much.

Albo and I happen to agree on this one -

it's called the Theory of Relativity.

All right. OK. OK.

Right. The Cat broke his tooth in a future echo, right?

- If I can stop him breaking it.. - Can't be done.

- Then I can stop me from dying. - Can't be done.

How would a cat break his tooth?

(HUMS FUNERAL MARCH)

He'd be eating something... eating something hard.

My robot goldfish! Eating my robot goldfish.

- Holly, where's the Cat? - He's just going into your sleeping quarters, Dave.

Oh, Smegging Hell!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm back. Feeling good.

How am I looking?

Go-oo-od.

I wish I was someone else, then I could kiss me.

I think I'll investigate.. these!

Uh-uh, I just ate. But, one little fishy...

# Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna eat you, little fishy...

# I'm gonna eat you, little fishy #

Oh-eeh-oh...

Yeah, I got you!

I'm gonna...errgh.

[CRACK]

I got the fish, I'm not gonna die. I'm not gonna die.

Hey, you crazy monkey! You creased my suit.

My tooth! My tooth! I think I've lost my tooth.

Lister, allow me to be the first to offer my commiserations.

You're really, really loving this, aren't ya?

"Come on, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days"!

"It doesn't screw your career up in the way it used to"!

Right. There's always some good in every situation.

Absolutely, Lister. And in this case, you're about to do the largest splits you'll ever do in your life.

- I get blown up, then? - Bits of you do.

It's not fair. There's loads of things I've never done.

Like... I've never had a prawn vindaloo.

And I've never read... a book.

And I wanted to have a family.

And I wanted to have loads of practice of the things you've gotta do to get a family.

Holly, I'd like to send an internal memo. Black border.

Begins: "To Dave Lister,

"condolences on your passing away."

What's that poem? "Now, weary traveller,

"rest your head, for just like me, you're utterly dead."

Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on.

- What is it, Hol? - There's an emergency, Dave.

The navicomp's overheating. I need your help in the Drive Room.

- Oooh-ooh-ooh. - Come in 169, your time is up.

- OK. What was I wearing? - That jacket and red T-shirt.

You said yourself I can't stop it. Let's get it over with.

Lister, what's that for?

I'm going out like I came in, screaming and kicking.

You can't whack Death on the head.

If he comes near me, I'm gonna rip his nipples off.

I'm afraid it can't cope with the influx of data at light speed, Dave.

Could you hook it up to the drive computer for me?

Six...

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

Aaaaaaaaaah! One...

I did it! I'm not going to die.

- Aaaaaaaaaah! - Aaaaaaaah. Dog attack.

- I don't know why you're so chirpy. - I'm alive.

But for how long? It'll probably happen tomorrow or Thursday.

- Maybe it's not gonna happen at all. - It was you. I saw you. I'm sure it was you.

Hello, Dave. This is me. I mean you.

I mean, I am you. This is you aged 171, Dave.

I know you're there, because when I was your age,

I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you,

and you've got to tell you, when you get to be me.

- Thank heavens, you've still got all your marbles, Lister. - Shhhhh!

I've got to tell you about Bexley.

- Who's Bexley? - I was always gonna call my second son "Bexley",

- after Jim Bexley Speed. - Your second son?

- What about your first son? - Jim! After Jim Bexley Speed.

It wasn't you Rimmer saw in the Drive Room, it was Bexley.

Rimmer, you saw me son die!

Never mind this tott! What about me, old man?

What happens to me? Do I become an officer?

Rimmer, I'm gonna have two sons! Isn't it fantastic?

- But one of them dies. - Yeah, well, everyone dies.

You're born and you die. The bit in the middle's called "life", and that's still to come!

Go and get your camera. You haven't got much time.

Get your camera and run to the medical unit. Run!

What about me? What happens to me?

He can't hear us, Rimmer, he's from the future.

Ah, if I ask you now, you can remember it,

and when you get to be him, and you can tell me.

Boss thinking!

Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you.

- Come closer, come closer still. - Yes. Yes.

- Heh, heh, heh. - You goit.

No, you goit. They're all goits. I'm surrounded by goits. Holly, you're a goit.

- I'm a what? - You heard!

What's happening, Hol? Are we going to see my funeral or something?

Look, the faster we go, the more into the future the future echoes are.

And now, since we've just started to slow down,

the future echoes are nearer to the present. Clear?

- No. - Tough.

Wait a minute. I don't understand how you're supposed to get two sons,

- without a woman on this ship. - Neither do I.

But it's going to be a laugh finding out.

I can't see you, but I know you can see me.

I'd like you to meet your two sons.

This is Jim and this is Bexley. Stop crying and say "cheese", boys.

# It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere.

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly, far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #