Original subtitles

Hello? Hello?

The

headlines

are out.

He won the money last night. Why didn't he come home?

I can't figure out how he ever answered five questions correctly.

It was all about food, wasn't it? If it's one thing, he knows it's food. He's

always eating.

But where is he? He's got to split that money with us three ways.

We financed him. Yeah.

Hey, maybe he ran out on us.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Oh, Larry, pour me some water.

I'm too nervous. Wait a minute.

I was just thinking, maybe he was held up.

He may even be laying in an alley somewhere, bleeding to death.

Oh, poor Joe.

I'd better call the police department.

I'll get some coffee to quiet our nerves.

Hello, police department.

I want to report a holdup and a murder.

The victim's name?

Joe Besser.

Good morning, Moe. Good morning.

Description? Well, he's about 220 pounds.

Right? About 5 '5 by 5 '5.

Color of hair?

Skin.

He was wearing a... Never mind, he's here!

Why'd you sell us your hair?

Oh, I'm no snitch.

Larry, Joe is here!

Hey, Joe, let's see the check. What check? I haven't got the check.

Don't tell me you cashed it. What, do you think I'm an idiot or something? Of

course I didn't cash it.

He didn't care. Of course not. I invested it.

Joe, don't tell me. You bought the Brooklyn Bridge.

Certainly not.

That was sold last week.

I invested all our money in consolidated Fujiama, California smog bags

filled with smog.

Oh, consolidated Fujiama, California smog... Smog bags!

Why, you idiot, let him dip you! Not so loud!

Look out, I'll blow the brains out of your empty stone!

No, Mo, are you crazy?

Never mind.

You can't shoot him here. We can never dispose of that body.

You're right.

Never mind, I want to get him anyway!

Oh, look what you did.

You ought to give you the hot face. That's what I ought to do.

Hey, who's that?

Call your shots, will you? Who are you?

J .J. Pigby is the name. Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Income tax to you.

Which one of you won that $15 ,000?

He did.

The government would like a check from you for $5 ,900.

Well, how about 50 cents on account?

Yeah, on account of that's all we've got.

No levity, please.

If payment is not immediately forthcoming, we will be forced to... Oh,

wait. We'll bring it to you in person.

Plus $10 for a new hat. Never mind.

Have mine.

It doesn't fit.

Oh, it looks perfect.

I can't see.

Well, rent yourself a seeing -eye dog.

Now, we've got to get our money back from that stock swindler.

Tell us about him. Well, his name is John Smith.

Don't tell me he introduced you to Pocahontas.

Somebody told you.

Quiet. Now, where is this John Smith?

In his office, next door to a barbecue pit.

Hey, does barbecues have pits?

Oh. What are you hitting me for? I didn't say it. He said it. Oh, you said

No, I didn't.

Yes? Incidentally, do barbecue have pits?

Quiet. We've got to find that Smith guy. Come on.

Wait there.

There it is.

G .Y. Prince, R .O. Broad.

G .Y. Pete.

Chip! Rob!

What'd you expect?

Open up! It's Joe Besser!

It's the fat guy I sold the stocks to.

We've got to let him in. Put on your disguise so they won't recognize you.

Come on, open up!

Okay, let him in.

Crook won't let us in. Let's break the door down. Good idea.

Ready, set, go!

Where

is

John Smith?

We threw that crook out.

Yes, he gypped some poor man of his TV winnings last night, so we fired him.

Yeah, we're the guys he gypped.

Let's go to the police. We'll have them catch that crook.

Wait a minute, boys.

You look like nice fellows, so we're going to take care of you.

Oh, boy, they're going to take care of us?

Yes. There's an eccentric old millionaire who's very lonely.

He would like to adopt some nice boys.

His name is Montgomery M. Montgomery.

Oh, boy, we'll be Montgomery's wards.

Yeah, correct. Now, here's all you have to do.

Now, we'll make all the arrangements.

Oh, yes, G .Y.

I've canceled our offer tickets, and I understand.

I'm supposed to adopt them.

Correct. And then, of course, give them the usual treatment.

Oh, have no trepidations. You can rely on me.

Dead men tell no tales, eh?

Goodbye.

New customers, eh?

I'm Mr. Montgomery's secretary.

Hello. What nice boys.

You're not so bad yourself.

Catch. Remember, you're supposed to be a kid.

So I'm a juvenile delinquent.

everything is fine.

Come on.

You must be my new boy.

Yes, Daddy.

Well, well, I have some nice toys for you.

I don't blame you.

Oh, boy.

Havana. A clear Havana.

Havana? Oh, he doesn't smoke them. Oh, no, I don't smoke them. He eats them

candy. Yeah, I eat them like candy.

Go on. Eat the nice cigar, Joey Woe. But I don't want to.

You have to coax him, Daddy. He's bashful. Go on. Eat that or I'll brain

You ain't going to grab this act. But I don't want to.

Oh, I see.

Never mind, Joey, will we? Come with me.

Now sit on Daddy's knee.

Is Joey hungry?

Always. Well, then eat your nice cigar.

But I don't want to!

Now chew it up good, Joey, so you don't get indigestion.

How would you like to play games?

Exactly what I was thinking.

How about post office?

Oh, that's a kid's game.

Not the way I play it.

Let's play blind man's buff.

You kids blindfold yourselves.

Oh, sure.

Oh, boy.

All right, ready?

Right.

Come on, follow me.

All right. First one catches, he gets a kiss.

Right.

Oh. Come on, follow me.

Over here.

Where are you?

Right here.

Oh.

Am

I

getting close?

Mighty close.

Oh, no, Joey, there's no more cigars in there. I'll get you another one, all

right?

Hey, what's the idea of conking me?

I didn't do it.

You didn't?

Hey, I smell a rat.

Yeah, a beautiful blonde one. She conkers.

Let's get you and get out of here.

Ouch!

Go away, you crazy you!

Come on, we're leaving.

Get out of here. They're trying to kill us. Kill us? Oh.

You should never have hit them with that bat. That would never kill them. But

their rat poison will. Be sure to pour plenty in.

Right. They must be stiff as planks when Prince and Broad arrive to claim the

bodies.

They're murderers. Let's get out of here. Keep an eye on the door.

Wait a minute. You rats, you thought you were going to get us bumped off, eh?

You shut it.

And this time we won't miss.

Hey, don't move any further or I'll let you have it.

Lay that pistol down, man.

Okay, you asked for it.

supposed to be done. That's fair enough. Here's your share.

Here's your share and this is my share.

Hey, wait a minute.

Give me the income taxes.