Original subtitles

I say you can.

And I say you can't. You can.

Now, look, you can't spend all the money we made just to buy a new home. He's

right, sis.

We gotta save some money for the income tax.

Don't be chumps.

Make out your returns in such a way that you don't have to pay income tax.

What did you guys think of that?

Ouch.

Oh, cut the malarkey. I've gotta go shopping. Get busy.

Hey, she's right.

Tomorrow's a deadline.

Oh, I put out some lunch for you. Hot dogs and stuff. I'll see you later.

Okay, goodbye.

Say, after all, making out the income tax is nothing. What do you mean,

When I get through, the income tax collector will get nothing.

Hey, you know what's funny? How people love to jip on their income tax. That's

because it's such a cinch. They never can catch smart guys like us.

We'll horn swaddle.

All right, all right.

It ain't that funny, you laughing hyenas.

Oh, I resent that.

Oh, go to work. Force me.

Hold

that.

You nitwit, you ruined my trophy. Now help me pick up the piece so I can

it. Here's a nice big piece.

Let me have it. With pleasure.

I'll murder you. Cut it out, Moe. Moe, you cut it out now.

Wait a minute.

We got work to do.

Okay. Help me with this, will you? How much can I deduct for charity?

Anything. Take $3 ,000.

Oh, that's very good.

Yeah, but you got to put down who got the money.

I got it.

Oh, you'll never get away with that.

Why not?

Charity begins at home.

You're a smart imbecile.

Hey,

what's that?

$2 ,500 for my operation.

$2 ,500 for one operation?

No, for three. Here, I'll show you my score.

There. Well, what do you know?

A zipper and hemstitch. Yeah.

Why the zipper?

That's in case I need another operation.

Very ingenious. Oh, thank God. It's quite grainy.

Ow!

Hey.

Cut it out. I got a good mind to live.

Now go on, do your work. All right.

Hey, you. Wow, wow, wow. Go pour me a cup of coffee. All right.

Always hitting, picking, doing that everything. All right, well, he's one of

those wise guys.

Hello?

Oh, Joe!

You got a hot one to send and eat in the third?

Fine. Five across.

That's five, five, and five.

Fifteen cents altogether.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Here's your coffee.

Oh, thanks.

Say, Shemp.

I need some more deductions. Got any ideas?

Have you any bad debts?

Yeah, I owe Uncle Jake $1 ,500.

Then deduct it from your income tax.

How can I? I owe him.

Do you expect to pay it?

No. Then it's a bad debt.

Smart thinking, boy. Smart.

Say, Shep, how much are you going to deduct for dependents? $4 ,400.

That's 11 dependents. Who are they? My ex -wife and 10 bartenders.

Why don't you quit kidding? Who's kidding?

Why, who?

I'm sorry, kid. I apologize.

Well, I don't accept your apology and don't do it again.

All right, kid, I won't. But I will do this.

Looks like a V8.

Why don't you quit hitting me?

Remind me to kill you later. And no backtalk.

Well, I'll fix you right now. Hey, Larry, wait, wait.

Wait, put that down. I'll fix you.

Look what you did to my hand. Who cares about your hand?

All right, get it off. I can't. That instant glue is stuck.

Remind me to kill you later.

Now go get me a sandwich. And no back talk.

So you ought to be taking some off of my car.

Seven cents.

Thirty -five cents a gallon of gas.

Five, uh, four, uh... Hey, chef, how much is 100 ,000 times 7 1⁄2 cents?

$39 .57.

Thanks.

Oh, a drop of mustard.

That's always good on a hot dog.

Yes, a little drop of it, and I know he'll like that.

Hurry up with that sandwich!

Maybe he'll want some mustard.

Hey, Moe, here's your sandwich.

And here I am.

Hey, Shemp, give me a hand. Okay.

Oh, boy.

In fact, there's two slices and I might starve.

I'll beat your brains out.

Ah.

Well, a little more mustard ought to straighten this out.

No, I've seen everything.

Hey, fellas, my hot dog ran away. Never mind that. I got a great idea. Listen,

if we can save ourselves a fortune on our own taxes, why can't we do it for

other people and make ourselves a pile of money?

Certainly, we're natural -born tax expats. Yeah, half of what we save our

clients by jipping the tax collectors, we can keep.

Yeah, here's a toast to the new firm of Moe, Larry, and Shemp, tax experts.

Yeah, a toast to easy money.

doing things to people.

Let's see how you like it. Don't do it. I'm going to... Sives,

you're right. Next time you won't fool around like that.

Say, you gentlemen have done very well with your income tax business.

Beautiful home what you got here.

Thank you, Mr. Cash, but we did all right for you, too.

Yeah, that's right.

You know, you are wonderful at inventing deductions.

And how.

We each made $100 ,000 last year. And no taxes. No taxes. Well, that's good,

too. I didn't do badly myself.

I'll say.

Oh, permit me.

Hey, who put this measly 50 amongst my thousands?

That's a dirty trick. That's a shame.

Dinner is served, madam.

Yes, presence.

Dig in, everybody.

Ladies. Oh, charming.

Gentlemen.

Sit right down. Right there, Mr. Cash. Oh, sitting so charming. Right over

there, Mr. Cash. Oh, Larry, would you cut the turkey, please?

Gladly, sis.

Thank you.

Ah, now I will proceed to make my wonderful dressing.

Pardon me.

Do you mind, sir? No, no.

Just a few seconds. I'll be ready to

serve.

Ah, cayenne pepper. That's the stuff.

And next we have the crumpets.

I feel a draft in here. Would you like me to close the windows?

Perhaps you'd better close your own.

I'll fix it. Don't worry about it.

I'll fix it.

This is a beautiful bird.

I'll be ready to serve in a few seconds.

I've got to get this bone out so I can get the...

Hey, Larry, that's quite a carving job you're doing on the turkey.

Oh, this turkey looks wonderful.

Taste a piece. It's delicious, too.

Thank you very much.

Mmm, you are so right.

I would... Try one of these with the turkey.

You're very nice. Thank you.

have some salt? No, thank you.

Oh, pardon me.

He made a boo -boo. Yes, I don't think we'll be able to eat the salad today.

Oh, that's all right. I don't like mini -minis anyway.

Yes, I'm sorry about this. That's all right. Don't worry about a thing.

You know, you boys really give a fellow wonderful service. Not only you are very

good at evading, shall we say, income taxes, but you are wonderful.

Oh, we're terrific.

Yes, here, have some turkey. Yes, please. Could I have some salt?

And some mustache?

We don't have any mustache. Eight number six.

Eight number six? Yeah, seven sideways.

Anything, yeah. Oh, I love everything, Mo. Yeah, you got condimenties? Yeah,

yeah.

I hope you like my lobster gumbo soup.

I'll try anything once.

Here, Francis, take this. I'm superstitious.

No soup, thank you very much.

You know, this gumbo was sure tough.

I would have...

You have to dump it. That's the way you have to help.

This gumbo's alive.

Or is it?

I'll find out.

By God, he is alive.

I'll pick that.

I guarantee you that.

Give me back my pie.

I'll fix you.

Come on, I'll take it.

Oh, I'm sorry, my hearing. I need my hair.

You are a very loose eater.

Oh, boy, potatoes.

Oh,

that's a one, a two, three.

Oh, and gravy. I loves gravy. Oh, boy.

Oh, I loves gravy.

Thank you very much.

I'd like that... Oh, I'll get it.

How do you like that?

Now, look here.

What is wrong with you idiots?

My beard.

My beard!

What have you done with my beautiful beard, you idiot, you? I'm sorry, my

herring. I mean my hair.

Look what you've done. You've ruined a perfectly good $50 beard.

Oh. a phony beard.

Hey, what's the idea?

I'm an officer of the income tax department.

Okay, boys.

We've been foxed. Maybe you can bribe him. You men have ignored 20 summons

the department.

We therefore place you under arrest on suspicion of falsifying income tax

returns and defrauding the government.

Oh, a double -crossing rat.

Hey.

goddess. Here!

Come on!

Hey,

I know the back door is locked.

All right, boys, let's get him!

Now listen, you!

You're not... Why, I'll spaghetti you!

No!

Oh, a double -crossing rat!

I'll get him.

So you want to get tough, honey?