Original subtitles

Detective Bureau, Sergeant Moe speaking.

Yes, Collins.

You say you don't know what to do about a woman being annoyed by a man with a

wooden leg by the name of Smith.

Well, find out the name of his other leg.

I have to do everything around here.

You know, my sister was engaged to a guy with a wooden leg.

Yeah, what happened? She broke it off.

The engagement?

Yeah, the leg.

Oh.

Charming sister.

Hiya, fellas.

Hi, champ. What do you got there? A dip.

How dare you look like somebody I hate?

Go on. Sit right down.

What's her name?

Chick. First name?

Slick. Oh, Slick Chick.

Born? I think so.

Where were you born?

In bed.

I wanted to be near my mother.

Listen, putz, you're accused of picking pockets. Now, don't get excited,

handsome. Oh, gee, thanks.

You are handsome, you know.

Oh, you just said that.

No, I didn't. Well, somebody just said it.

You know, it's ridiculous you're accusing me of picking pockets.

Look into my eyes.

You know, baby, you've got the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my

You know, I wouldn't take anything from anybody.

Please tell me that you believe me innocent.

Please say that you do.

I believe you, baby. I believe you. Oh, thanks.

Got a match?

Certainly. Here.

Oh! I'm out! I'm out!

It's all right. He's... One of those wise dames, eh? Thought you'd get away

it. Come on, get it up. Get it up! Give me back my match.

Hey, you guys, get me the files on the Ambrose Rose murder case.

Okay, Chief.

Hey, you, get that file. Get it yourself.

Go on.

Oh, step aside, nitwit.

I'll show you how to do this.

I'll find time to play hopscotch.

I have to do everything around here.

Now pay attention, you two pickle brains, and learn something.

See? You have to use your brains.

What happened? You used your brains.

What happens with me?

Never mind the files, boy.

I didn't know it, but I had him all the time.

Oh, he had the file all the time. How do you like that guy?

How do you like him? I don't like it. And besides, I don't like this. But it's

matter of principle with me.

I'm going to shut that drawer if it's the last thing I do.

That's the last thing I'll do.

killer still at large.

I'll reshuffle the detective bureau, threatens police commissioner Ronald

Shrinker. For you guys' sake, I am going to take the rap for this. You're crazy.

Now, I'll give you just 24 hours to catch the killer and get a confession,

I'll throw all three of you out of here.

Take it easy, boss. We'll find him.

Listen, we got to do something.

Think. Think.

Use your head.

Pick it up. Think hard.

I got it. What? A terrific headache.

Do you like sugar in your coffee? I don't drink coffee. Well, here's a lump

your cocoa. Oh!

Wait a minute, Moe. I want to think.

I can't think. Will you loosen my scalp?

Okay, I'll knock it up front.

You knocked it up entirely, but I'll get it.

Moe, I'm going to think.

Quiet, everybody. Genius at work.

Think louder, kid.

Come on.

All right, now, kid, think it up.

Think it up.

I beg your pardon. Could I see you for a moment, please?

Can't you see we're busy? You're back here again. I told you a thousand times

stay out of here. Now get out and stay out.

Come on.

Hey, fellas, I got Chopper.

Get him over here. Sit down.

Now listen, Chopper, we're not going to waste any time on you. The body of your

friend Slug McGrake was found wrapped up in newspapers.

Now I know you can't believe everything you see in the newspapers, but the fact

remains he's dead.

Are you guilty or not guilty?

I am the culprit who perpetrated this heinous incident. Stop evading the

question. Larry, beat him with a hose.

Oh, no, not that.

Oh, please, please, not that. No.

That's enough.

I don't want you to bruise him. Are you guilty or not guilty?

Indubitably. Oh, so you still won't talk, eh?

But, gentlemen, I reiterate.

Not in here you won't.

Nevertheless, I reiterate indubitably.

There.

Larry, take him away. He refuses to sing.

Come on.

That's what you forgot.

Trying to get away, eh?

You're a wise guy, eh?

We gotta do something!

Detective Bureau!

Yes, this is Sergeant Moe.

Oh, hello, dear.

Why, of course, dear.

Oh, sure, you've got nothing to worry about.

Goodbye, sweetheart.

That was the mayor.

Oh, she's a wonderful woman. And not bad to look at.

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

You're all dry now.

Hey, wait a minute. We forgot the main witness. He's down in one of the cells.

How long has he been there? About four weeks. Go on down and bring him up if

he's still alive. Go ahead.

Bureau. Sergeant Moe speaking.

Oh, wait a minute, Clancy.

Go ahead.

You say there's a dead horse on Ticonderoga Street?

How do you spell Ticonderoga?

Oh, you don't know either.

Well, drag him over to First Street.

I have to think about it.

Go ahead. Get going there.

Sit down.

What is this?

He's the Italian organ grinder.

Antonio Zucchini Salami Gorgonzola the Pizza.

Sounds like a bad meal.

All right, Tony, where were you on the night of October the 13th? Now, speak

Paisan.

I say, old chappies, it was a beastly night, if I remember correctly, and I

at the home of Mrs. Ben Derrick, the oil ladies. I'd stopped there for a spot of

tea and a crumpet.

Mm -hmm.

Well, what were you doing at the time of the murder?

Well, we had a glass of... Murder?

Good gracious, let me out of here.

I detest blood.

That settles it. Slowly but surely we'll tighten a noose around Chopper's neck.

That's evidence.

Yeah, did you put it down?

No, I couldn't find a pencil.

Come on.

Did you?

No. Did you?

No.

Go on, fill out that report.

Come on, you. Get going.

Always picking on people.

Antonio, zucchini, salami.

Hello?

Oh, yeah, Joe, look. Release that guy that stole those 11 bottles of whiskey.

I know he's guilty, but the DA says we can't make a case out of 11 bottles.

On a tee at the... Where'd they put that at?

Oh, here it is.

on that thing.

Boy. Hey, chap, come here. Hurry.

Ah, you're always caught.

Oh,

you

did it, you little rascal.

I'll fix you. I'll crush your skull.

I'll mangle you.

Boy, is this not tight.

There, it's loose.

That cockeyed monkey, I'll flatten him. Believe me.

I'm losing my mind.

I must have iron in my blood.

Monkey with me, will you? I'll fix you.

I meant to hit the other monkey.

That's all right, kid. I know you... Oh, you're not sore then?

No. Well, that's fine.

That was a mighty swipe, wasn't it?

I fooled you, didn't I? Yeah. Oh!

Oh! Let go.

Oh. Don't spin me, Moe. Don't spin me.

Oh. Hey, Sarge. Chapel wants to confess.

Come on. Sit him down here.

Write down my confession, please. Start talking.

I... Wait a minute.

Take it down in shorthand.

brave Q Tiddlywatter herewith confess that I did willfully kill one Slug

Just a moment.

I killed Slug McGurk and nobody's going to take away the glory from me. I'm a

thrill killer and I'm going to get the rest of you guys.

What's going on here?

Oh, this is dangerous.

So you're the killer, eh?

Well, I'm gonna let you have it.

Get here.

Okay, here.

Here, take a swig of this. A little swig now.

All right, put the cuffs on him, Larry.

Get a move on so we don't get away.

I'm handcuffing him. Come on, Larry.

I'm hurrying. Relax.

There we are.

He serves him right. I wanted to get into the movies, and he spoiled my

publicity stunt.

Poor champ, he's dead.

Not dead, dead drunk.

Come on, kid.

Get up now. Take it easy.

He shot me.

Larry, quick, get a doctor.

Get an ambulance.

No, get a plumber.