Original subtitles

Hold it.

Right here's where we start to take the census. I'll question the first one so

you guys can get the hang of it. Then you'll take the lower floors.

Hey, incidentally, you fellas remember what you were taught?

Well, I... Yeah, I see you don't remember. Well, we'll have to rehearse.

you play the part of the husband of the house. You play his wife. Oh, no, I

wouldn't be his wife. Why not? You're not my type. All right, come on. Get in

there and pretend this is your house. Come on.

Get a move on.

Get going in there.

Pardon me, madam. I was looking for my two partners.

Good morning. What is your name, please?

Shempetta Howard.

Well, married or single?

Married. This is my husband, the rat.

Cut it out.

Tell me, sir, have you any children?

No children.

Where were you born, madam? In the hospital.

Hospital? Yes, I want to be near my mother.

Is this your home state? No, we're from the south.

Yeah. Hallelujah.

Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Please.

What part of the south?

Montreal, Canada.

Mighty pretty country around there. That's the home of the wild gooses and

boosers and the meesers.

And the mouses.

Come on. Go on. Get up. Hurry up now and let's get going. We got plenty of work

to do here.

By the way, where's our credentials?

In the safe.

Oh.

What safe?

In here.

Larry, open it.

April Fool, it's a musical powder box.

What do you know? A musical powder box.

Musical powder. I'll get the credentials myself.

What is that? I rigged that up myself.

Boy, it looks real natural.

And it's got baby blue eyes.

April fool.

Here, hold that. Thank you. There's powder on it.

Hey, leave him alone, you. Quiet. Come on, we're going to get some work done.

Clean him up. Clean him up. That's it. Clean him up. Good.

There you are.

Now, which way do we go?

Where is everybody?

Oh, here he is.

Hello. All right.

Here's your book bag. All right.

Here, here.

Right, come on, get busy. We gotta earn some money. Money, uh, money shrinks.

So do you, every time you get near a bathtub.

Remember, we're census takers, not ordinary idiots.

That's right.

How do you do? I don't want any. Wait a minute.

We're census takers.

Oh.

Very well. Walk this way.

You must excuse my place. We just moved in.

Sure.

What is your name, please?

Wyckoff. A little irritation in the throat.

As I said before, your name, please.

Wyckoff. Because he don't brush his teeth, lady.

Your name, please.

Wyckoff. Excuse him, lady. He's got a frog in his throat from eating

Ouch! Ouch! Oh, let go of my ear. You'll give me erysipelas.

And quick clown. Oh!

You asked me my name. It's Wyckoff, Lucy Wyckoff.

Are you married?

Yes. And I'm terribly upset and frightened.

Why? Because my husband's insanely jealous.

He almost killed a man. The man merely spoke to me.

Adios. Toodle -oo. Goodbye.

Vega. Come back here.

We're not finished, you cowards.

Now get busy.

All right. What does your husband do?

He's an expert in ledger domain.

Ledger domain. Oh, a bookkeeper. No, he's a prestidigitator. Oh, a pants

presser. Are you guys ignorant?

Didn't you hear the lady say he presses refrigerators? Oh.

No, no, no.

We do an illusion act in Vaudeville. He's a magician. He makes things

I got an uncle who can make things disappear.

Is he a magician?

No, he's a kleptomaniac.

What's the matter?

It can't be, Larry.

Moe!

Moe! What's the matter? I saw a freak in there. He snapped at me. Oh, he scared

me. You idiot, you're looking at yourself.

How do you like that? I always scare myself.

Oh,

I really got my hat.

What are you doing? Come on here. Get something done around here.

You fools! You ruined my trick mirror. That's part of my act. We're sorry,

Well, get on with your business before I throw you out of here.

Ah, nobody loves a census taker. Come on, we'll get this over in a hurry.

Oh!

Get up here. Get up. I'm sorry. That's a trick chair. It's also part of my act.

That chair's got weak knuckles.

Now, the first question will be... Excuse me, please.

Did you get anything?

Neither did I.

Who is it? It's me. Who were you expecting?

Just a minute, dear. You know, we're getting no place fast.

Look, it's my husband. Hide in the bedroom quickly. If he finds you here,

kill all of us. We'd better get someplace fast.

What's the idea?

Well, I'm sorry, dear. I had to shut off the oven.

Oh. The window.

Easy, kid. Easy. Come here. Come here. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

What was that?

It was just the wind.

The wind don't walk. and I heard footsteps.

Well, he won't get out of here.

There.

You and your suspicions. Oh, okay, okay.

Say, we better get a little shut -eye before we get to the theater. Remember,

got a couple extra performances to do tonight. All right.

You're sick. You're sick. Oh, yes.

What's the matter? Must be something I ate. Something you ate. Give me a hot

water bottle. A hot water bottle.

Remember,

I left it here in the closet. Oh, no.

No, give me an aspirin in the bathroom.

Give me an aspirin. Yes.

Oh. I'll get it.

Oh.

Oh.

Now, listen. You've got to get out of here quickly. I'm coming, dear.

Here you are, darling.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, boy, am I overtired.

I feel fine now, dear. Thank you.

Oh, my knee.

Oh, my knee.

Confound that click chair.

I'll get rid of that chair.

finds me here, I deserve to get killed.

Tell him I'm your aunt.

Oh,

darling, I'm sorry I suspected you, but

you know how much I love you.

Won't you tell me you forgive me?

I forgive you, dear.

How about giving Daddy a little kiss?

Come on, honey, give me a little kiss.

Ouch!

Ouch.

Darling, you're rough.

You hurt little me.

Hello. Hello.

Coffee's after us.

I won't talk, eh?

Are you going to talk?

Don't you dare. Don't you dare do anything to endanger the lives of

you drive, drive carefully.

Throw him in the box. Yeah.

We'll take him to the police and charge him with attempted murder.

Hey, wait a minute. This is pretty light.

Now I've got you.

Well, what have you got to say?

Make mine fried.