Original subtitles

Pardon, Inspector.

There are three chaps outside insisting upon an interview.

Very well, Dawson. Show them in. Yes, sir.

Oh, well.

Good morning.

Good morning.

And what can I do for you, gentlemen?

Oh, before we answer that, I want to prove we're not gentlemen.

Give me my lip, will you?

Fooled you, didn't we?

I say, that's amazing.

Now, if you don't mind explaining.

We're first -class detectives, Inspector.

We came to answer your ad. Ad? Yes.

Here it is.

Wanted, experienced yard man. Apply, Inspector McCormick, Scotland Yard.

you, isn't it? Yes, but I'm afraid you don't understand.

Oh, yeah, but look here. We've been reached. Scene.

A1 Correspondence School of Detectives.

Oh, yes.

Male audit detectives.

I'll give you your chance.

Oh, boy.

Your assignment is to locate some missing papers.

Missing papers?

We must locate the missing papers.

Locate missing papers.

Fine detectives we turn out to be. This is humiliating.

Quit squawking, you guys. Don't you know if we do a good job, they might promote

us to be detectives. Now carry on.

Get busy!

You mean it moves.

All right, take it easy, son.

I just wanted to ask you a question.

What would you rather have?

A shoe full of dollar bills or two socks of fives? I'll take the two socks.

You got him.

Cheating, eh?

Now get to work on the square.

You two get up here and get to work. Wait a minute. What are you going to do?

Yeah, what are you going to do?

Nothing. What about it? Oh, I just fill it in.

Get out of here.

Now we got a system. We'll have this place spick and span and nothing flat.

There's another one.

Now you guys are really working. Shut up and get busy. Trim that hedge.

Well, I guess that's it.

Wait a minute. Watch that.

Hey, you nitwit, we're in a hurry. Use the big clippers.

I'll see that Inspector McCormick gets the message. Thank you.

If there's any more paper in this yard, I'll eat it.

Here comes your lunch.

Hey, Shem. Hey, Larry.

Come here.

Look at this.

Three operatives report to Glen Heather Castle at once. 60 miles northwest of

Glasgow. Must be scotch.

Instructions on arrival.

Oh, boy, an assignment. Yeah, but must be scotch.

Hultman, Hultman.

Through these veins flows some of the finest scotch in the world. I told you

we'd get promoted if we did a good job. Look at the place. Clean as a whistle.

So let's blow.

Not bad. Not good.

Get the bag.

Get the bag.

Get the... Hey, fellas, wait for me! Wait for me!

Look at the size of this shack.

What's the matter with you? This is a castle, you nitwit.

Say, they say there's a lot of ghosts in castles.

That's a lot of baloney. There's nothing in here to be scared of.

The Earl will see you new.

This way, please.

Hey, Moe, is my slip showing?

No, go on, go on, go on.

Nice to know you, laddies.

A charming bit of thistledown, if I say so myself.

Aye. And what might your name be, lass?

Perhaps you've heard it. It is Lorna Doon.

Hi, Lorna. How you doing?

You must be a bit weary after your long journey.

Aye. Aye. Aye, aye, aye.

Would you like a wee, Snifter?

Put, man. That we would. That we would. Yowza, that's what a man said. He said,

yowza. Say, what part of Scotland are you from?

He's from southern Scotland, below the McMason -McDixon line. Mickey, yowza,

that's what a man said.

McPherson, the Scots broth?

Yes, my lord.

The very best.

Good health to you.

When he said snifter, he wasn't kidding.

Have another?

No, thanks. I got to drive.

McPherson, lock it up again.

That's 150 years old.

With a little luck, it should get to be 250.

McPherson, fetch me the rest of my correspondence.

Yes, my lord.

Aye.

And now, lads, I tell you what I said for you.

I want you to guard me valuables tonight, for I'm off to a gathering of

clans. Oh, a clan bake, eh?

You've got nothing to worry about, Earl. Say, Earl, there's no ghosts here, is

there? No, it is only a rumour.

Out of foolishness.

The taxi is waiting, your lordship. One moment, I have some instructions for

these lads. Beg pardon, sir, but it stops a minute for waiting time.

You'll find this very comfortable when the cold, clammy wind howls over the

moors like a lost soul.

Good night.

Good night.

Pleasant dreams.

Oh, if you want anything, just wail, hmm?

Like a lost soul.

Say, fellas, I ain't tired anymore. Maybe one of you guys ought to turn in.

on, get in the bed.

You grab some shut -eye while Shep and I go downstairs and look around.

Come on.

Wait a minute, Mo.

I feel kind of edgy myself.

I ought to take something from my nerves.

Like what? A trip home.

Come on, get going.

But wait a minute, I am nervous.

Well, if you're so nervous, grab that gun.

Hurry up.

I didn't mean it, Mo. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it. Are you all right?

Yeah.

Next time, be more careful.

Gosh, I hope nothing happens.

What kind of talk is that?

What could happen?

Go ahead, tell me. What could happen?

Nothing, I guess.

Well, then go ahead. Go ahead.

i'd like to see anybody get something out of here there's not a chance with us

around

Hey, fellas, cut out the racket, will you please?

Nice -looking

shaving mug.

What do you think it's worth?

My uncle had a thing like that once.

Poor old Uncle Titus. He's gone now.

Hard -headed old rascal.

I'll never forget the first time. Hello, Uncle.

What hit me? What happened?

Was I dreaming?

Oh, a lump.

What a dream.

Uh -oh, wrong door.

Sorry, there's something going on downstairs. I'm glad I'm up here where

safe.

This little marble will come in handy.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

I thought you might be a wee bit lonesome.

So I brought some cookies.

You like cookies?

Oh, that I do.

Especially blonde ones.

How about you and me make it with the conversation?

Aye. Oh, me too.

You too?

Aye.

I don't want to take care of any visitors.

Move over.

Look what you did to the cupboard.

How can I blank us, will you? You want me to catch cold?

Say, you ought to see your dentist.

Why don't you get to sleep?

Didn't he akin the healing fling?

Aye. It is a rumba with kilts.

The guy with the big teeth took them. Oh, you're crazy. He's right.

Somebody stole our bed.

Boy, you're a wonderful dancer.

Operator, get me the police and get... Hurry

up,

open that door.

Get away from that door or I'll shoot.

Get away!

It's him again.

Come here.

I'm sorry, Mole. We didn't mean it. You doughheads.

You look better.

that's what you've been doing, Lorna.

Officer Tetherway!

Lads, I'm a grateful man, and it is only fitting that I reward you.

Oh, that ain't nothing. Now I will!

Come on!

The scotch broth, lads, and this time we'll really drink it, for you prove

are no ghosts in Glen Heather Castle.