Original subtitles

I say environment.

Heredity. Heredity is the very foundation of social distinction.

Environment. Heredity.

Your theory, my dear Professor Sedlitz, is completely illogical, preponderantly

impracticable, and moreover, it stinks.

Just say nothing of people.

I'll wager you a thousand dollars that my theory is correct.

Poo -poo and hubba -hubba. I'll accept that bet.

And I'll take a man from the lowest strata of life and in two months,

environment, make him a gentleman.

Now, shake him. Come on. Oh, excuse me, sir. The plumbers.

Come on.

This is it.

You men connected this gas log backwards yesterday. Now, please fix it properly.

Don't worry. We always fix it right the second time.

All right, boys, let's get busy.

The world speaks of one missing link, but I swear there are three.

I'm going to cut that pipe with a chisel. I'll hold the chisel. You hammer

Larry, you guide him.

Okay. Get it right now. All right. Square off. Little to the left. To the

Okay.

If you can make gentlemen out of them, you'll go down in posterity as having

proved the Darwin theory.

Quite so, Professor Sedlitz.

Now, I'll show you how an expert does it, Lunkhead. I'll do the pitching, you

the catching, Larry. Come on.

Let us interview them.

I'm sorry, bub, but you should have honked your horn before you approached.

Oh, I'm all right.

You were the mattress head.

Now, if I gave you a dollar... and your father gave you a dollar, how many

dollars would you have?

One dollar.

You don't know your arithmetic.

You don't know my father.

How would you boys like to make a thousand dollars?

Who do you have to murder?

Oh, nothing like that. All you have to do is let me make gentlemen of you.

No, no, not that. Our father would never forgive us. There ain't been a

gentleman in our family for 50 generations.

Quit bragging.

Okay, for a thousand bucks, we'll even become gentlemen.

Then it's settled.

Please sit down.

It's a good thing Kilroy wasn't here. Yeah, we'd be disgraced for life.

Now, please cross your knees.

May I borrow this?

Remarkable, my dear Sedlitz.

Inconceivable, my dear Quackenbush.

...definite evidence of vacancy of the cranium.

Gee, thanks!

You've made the bet. You were stuck with him. I'll be back to collect my money

in 60 days.

No, no. I'll win.

What? With these morons?

Yeah, but we're organized.

Amalgamated Association of Morons. Local 6 and 7 -8.

We are morons, tried and true, and we'll do our yell for you.

Professor? Rare and ago.

Oh, that's fine, boys.

By the way, my daughter Lulu arrived from college this morning to help me

your education.

She's preparing a little lunch for us. Now, I'm sure that you... Here I am,

Daddy.

Gentlemen,

this is my daughter Lulu.

What a Lulu.

Listen,

you! Boys, boys, no more nonsense.

Yes, sir.

Now, gentlemen, the first lesson in etiquette will be table manners.

You must always observe the rules of etiquette. Beg pardon, luncheon is

You

know,

babe, you and I can make beautiful music together.

I...

Come on.

Now, first you unfold your napkins and place it in your laps, like this.

Hey, in your lap.

Now, boys, watch Lulu carefully, and whatever she does at this table, you

do. Yes, sir.

Pardon me.

I'll be right back.

You know, babe, you sure are the hubba hubba kid.

Hubba hubba. Wahoo!

You're right, boy.

Toots, I'd love to cover you with furs and automobiles. Well, thank you. Only

the best furs.

Mink, skunk, porcupine.

Only the best for you.

And then I can picture you and I walking down Fifth Avenue.

You, covered with those gorgeous furs.

What's the idea, flattop?

The professor said do everything she does.

Why, I ought to tear your tonsils out. Shut up.

Now, as I was saying, honey, you're the apple of my eye.

You're the cranberry sauce of my turkey.

Say the word and you and I will fly around the world forever.

Or even longer.

Oh! Oh!

All right. Now we will resume the lessons.

You may start serving, Sappington. Yes, sir.

Some olives or celery, Miss Lulu?

Thank you, Sappington.

Some celery, sir?

Thank you.

I just love celery.

Hey, pig, what do you want to eat all those olives for? I like them.

Water.

I almost choked on those olive pits.

I ought to choke you.

This make -believe eating stuff may be all right for you, but my stomach don't

think so.

Pipe down.

What's the matter with you?

The soup's too hot.

What's the matter with you? There's a hair in my soup.

You're crazy. That's a crack in your plate.

I never saw a crackle that way.

Well, that's neither here nor there. Go ahead.

Boys! Boys!

Pardon me, what are we eating now?

Lamb chops.

Yummy, yummy.

They sure look inviting.

Boy, I wish I had some Worcestershire sauce.

I can't say Worcestershire.

Hey, what's the idea of eating with your knife?

I always eat my peas with my knife.

You dummy.

You never eat peas with a knife. No?

No. You mix them with the mashed potatoes.

Then you eat them with a spoon. Oh, thanks.

Yes.

Oh!

What's the matter with you now?

My lamb chop lost his pants.

Well, dress him and eat him.

All right, we'll now start our first reading lesson.

Turn to page one. Read them all.

Oh.

See the cat.

Does the mouse see the cat?

Yes, the dirty rat.

Don't get poisoned.

Ah, here, here.

Read page four.

Oh, see the little deer.

Has the deer a little doe?

Yeah, two bucks.

No more levity. Read, Larry.

Oh, see the pretty cat.

Does the pretty cat have chickens?

That's kittens. A cat does not have chickens.

Oh, no? Well, I had a cat and it got in a chicken house, and that cat had

chickens.

to myself.

No, thank you, Sappington.

I'm allergic to pastry.

Now, gentlemen, try and remember everything that you have been taught.

your debut into society tonight is successful, the money is yours.

Professor Quackenbush, have no qualms or trepidations. We will justify your

faith in us indubitably, sir.

Professor, the vicissitudes we've encountered have elevated us to a lofty

position. Thank you, gentlemen.

Come, I'll introduce you.

Good evening.

Good evening. May I introduce my three protégés, Mrs. Gotrox.

Delighted.

Devastated.

Delapidated. And the counter, Spritzwasser.

Enchanted. Enraptured.

Embalmed.

Oh, pardon us.

Quaint, aren't they, but cute.

I hope you have your checkbook with you.

It's a miracle.

But the evening is still young.

Good evening, Miss Lulu.

My, but you look charming.

Oh, thank you, boys. You look charming, too.

Oh, by the way, may I present Mrs. Smythe Smythe. Oh, very, very happy,

Oh.

Champagny.

You know, this is our first entree into society, and we find it very delightful.

So different than our first party at the reform school.

Oh, uh, Curlington.

Yesington. May I present Mrs. Smythe Smythe. You certainly may.

Hiya. I'm tall.

I kiss your hand, madame.

Isn't he galant?

Would you please excuse us? Come on, come on.

Where's that diamond? In my safe deposit box.

Give it back.

I lost the combination.

Well,

what do you know?

Tell me. I hope nobody saw us.

You stupid... Now I've got to get something to cover this silverware.

You fool.

Boys, I've been looking for you. Come along.

Yes, sir. This is the most interesting experiment.

I'm very anxious to really talk to those boys.

Well, they're here. I know they'll be very happy to speak with you, Mrs.

-Smythe.

Are you Penny Larson -y, Stooge?

What are you trying to do, ruin us? Give me that pie.

I'll get over there and sit down before I crown you.

Go on.

And you know, my dear, when they first arrived, they were absolutely uncouth.

But now they're the epitome of refinement.

There's one of them now.

Excuse me, dear.

My dear young man, do tell me about yourself.

Well, you see, it... Well, that is... You'll pardon me. If you don't tell me

about this metamorphosis, I shall always feel that I've missed something.

Lady, if you don't leave right now, you're not going to miss anything.

Young man, what's wrong?

You act as though the sword of Damocles is hanging over your head.

Lady, you must be psychic.

I wonder what's wrong with that young man.

Psychic!

Got the brain, then, Basili. You trying to ruin us, too?

You know, you're a little bit too bossy.

I'm too bossy, huh?

Wise guy.

You forgot the duck.

So did you.

out of this. Your drink, madam.

Pardon me, madam.

Stop it! Stop it this minute! You disgraceful vagabonds!

And believe me, I've learned that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's

ear. Yes, Professor.

And I've learned something, too.

What's that?

This! A wise guy, eh? See you later.