All language subtitles for star_falls_s01e03_the_assistant

Um, can you stop that?

Nope. I'm trending.

Could you at least turn quietly? I can't
even hear my cereal.

Uh, half the rush of trending is knowing
it's happening as it's happening. Let

me guess.

I wouldn't understand because I'm not
from L .A. No.

It's because you've never trended.

Which might actually be because you're
not from L .A. So just... There are more

important things than trending.

Name one.

Okay. Um...

Helping animals, or volunteering at the
old folks' home, or replanting the

garden so the mint can't bully the
tomatoes. Okay, I'm with you on the last

Nobody likes to bully. But seriously,
trending is everything.

Hey, honey, you're trending.

Nice.

Told you.

Hey, Dad, want to take an exercise class
with me? It's this new type of spinning

where you're outside and the bike isn't
stationary. I think that's called riding

a bike. Aw, don't be jelly.

You can come too.

Honey, I'd love to, but I'm late for
set.

Want to see a movie later? I hear the
theater's finally playing something

not in. As much as I love watching
movies I'm not in, I've got an early

time. Maybe another day?

Sure. Fine.

Guess I'll just hang with my millions of
followers.

Why are you late? You're never late.

Is it because you forgot to set your
alarm? I did that once and I was like an

hour early to school and I saw the
janitor kissing the lunch lady.

I haven't been early since.

My assistant quit last night.

Randy? Why?

Got his dream job running a crab boat.

Those crustaceans don't stand a chance
against his organizational skills.

Well, I'm sure there's lots of qualified
people in town if you want someone

else. Replace Randy?

Impossible. He was one of a kind. The
way he motivated me to seize every day.

The way he got me, well, diamond tickets
to sold -out concerts.

The way he buttered a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich with a peanut butter and

jelly didn't touch.

I don't think that's possible.

Randy could do it.

Trending?

The assistant director's asking where I
am.

Oh, and I still have to stop by the
pharmacy to get my prescription itch

You didn't hear that last part.

Hmm.

Looks like it might rain, huh?

Really? Small talk? I kind of thought we
were past that, Mom.

Sorry, is it that every time you talk
lately, you bring up Craig?

I do not.

Yesterday, we talked about your big
veterinary recertification test, and I

you should find a study buddy, and Craig
should be your study buddy.

That's your point. Great. That's all the
talk it is.

You wouldn't want Craig as your study
buddy anyway. Or not.

Craig's all Donnie Downer about his
autistic quitting.

Ladies.

Beautiful day for fresh, fresh shirts.

Randy quit?

He was amazing.

Did you know he can make a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich with ingredients

that touch?

Again, not sure that's possible.

Finding a replacement is going to be
tough.

People like Randy are one in a million.
You realize this guy was human, right?

He had no superpowers, no magic, no
alien multitasking game. I thought I

do just as well. You know, it's not a
bad idea. You should fill in. Be Chris'

assistant for a while.

Yeah, that wasn't what I meant. You can
make some money.

I do like money.

And you could help Craig out, who
really, really needs help.

Maybe you're right.

If I were a computer, I could schedule
time for the two of you to chat, meow,

maybe do some smooching.

Or the money and helping stuff works.
That works, too.

Great idea.

Horrible idea. Because, I mean, come on,
you know nothing about the celebrity

world. So? I know a thing or two about
assisting.

I've been around the old assisting block
a couple of times, if you know what I

mean. I do not. Me neither.

Look, you're sweet to want to help my
dad, but as his assistant, you could

totally put his life in jeopardy. What?

How?

I mean, I guess if I scheduled a
skydiving lesson and gave him a backpack

instead of a parachute.

Wow, way to go super dark.

I mean, great assistants make or break
their stars. You decide what they do and

when they do it. Not to mention, you'll
have to spend all your time with him.

All my time?

You know what would be amazing?

Me being dad's assistant.

You?

You're like the least assistant -y
person I know.

You asked me to peel your banana this
morning. You have sharper fingers.

Sorry, but I'm going to be Craig's
assistant.

No, I am. Don't make me use these sharp
fingers.

Don't make me use the daughter card.

It's not actually a card. It's me, but
when I make this face, he'll do anything

I want.

I'm going to ask him first.

Sometimes parents need a little help.

So we're helping ours get together. My
mom, my best friend, her dad, huge movie

star. And things might get a little
crazy.

Okay, a lot crazy.

But that's just life in Starfall.

All of a flat white half soy half
coconut milk extra hot.

I'll take a coffee, too, but not so
fancy. I drink it black.

Care to be a man and drink it like your
son?

No, thanks. I'm secure in my choice of
coffee.

Okay. Since when do you drink it without
milk? Since I realized if we dilute

everything in life, we're not getting
the full taste of life itself.

Uh -huh.

So, I'm surprised you're getting any
work done with all the action around

Well, Wi -Fi's out at our house, so I
really don't have a choice.

So where are you studying?

Advanced Lameness in Horses. Oh.

I always thought horses were pretty
cool.

Liam is in trouble walking.

Yeah, I know. I was just... Look, if you
don't mind, I gotta get this. Dad, I'm

gonna be your assistant.

And that was loud.

You both want to be my assistants?

Yes. I'm sorry, but you can't just step
in for Randy. It's not that easy. And

besides, I'm doing fine on my own.

What is this? A flat white with no
smiley face and a steamed milk?

Does this help?

Craig! If you haven't done it yet, you
need to pick up your itch cream.

See? Total assistant material.

I might have overshared.

I'll forget the itch cream if you let
them assist you. I really need to study

lameness. Uh, that didn't sound right.

Look, girls, I would totally let either
one of you assist me, but, uh, the thing

is, well, neither of you can drive.

I do.

Perfect. Phoenix will be a driver. I'll
handle everything else. I'll handle

everything else. You know what?

We'll both be his assistants, and then
we'll see who's better.

Yeah, perfect. I'm pretty sure I haven't
agreed to this.

Let's give it a try.

Hello.

You shouldn't scare people like that.

Especially senior citizen people.

You guys have it pretty good. Getting
discounts from riding those awesome

scooters.

Can I help you, Bo?

Nah, I'm just walking by. Oh, really?

You just happen to be here. Like you
happen to be at the diner when I was

breakfast. And at the gas station when I
was filling up my truck.

And at the hardware store when I was
checking out the new lawnmowers.

I can't help it if we like the same
thing. And since you're about to see a

movie, let's go together.

Ooh, but I don't have any money, so
you're going to have to pay. And I like

popcorn, extra salt, no butter.

Nate, I've got big news.

Wait, is that a new stepstool? Oh, yeah.

Don't we have an old one? We do.

But when I stepped on the old stepstool,
my foot went through the stepstool, so

I decided we needed a new stepstool.

That's the most I've ever heard anyone
use the word stepstool.

Thanks. So what's your news?

I'm going to be pregnant.

Well, at least the better half of his
assistant, because Diamond is also

helping. Cool.

Not really. Well, at least the Diamond
part.

But it means I won't have as much time
for the rescue, so you're in charge,

okay? No worries. I'll handle it. In
fact, I was about to dog -proof kennel

three. Aren't all the kennels dog
-proof? If they were, then Rex and

wouldn't be getting out at night. So I'm
on the video surveillance system.

By the way, I installed the video
surveillance system. That kitten poster?

The camera.

Unnecessary, but thanks.

Well... Off to work on the water heater.
Okay, but don't make the water boiling

hot. Just so you can cook hot dogs.

Hey, I made pasta, too.

Thanks, Nate.

Rex? Barney?

I think I'll do the dog pooping first.

Yes? I've been trying to get some time
to myself, but it keeps getting ruined.

I can't imagine what you mean.

It's the kid. Which one?

The small, sneaky one. He's been
following me everywhere.

Aw, that's cute.

He likes you. Likes me?

Why? Most of the time, I don't even like
me.

But I got a plan to keep him busy next
time he comes around.

Which would be now.

What's that?

What?

That thing you just hid in your pocket.

Listen, Beau.

If I show you this...

You can't tell a soul.

Whoa, a treasure map?

Shh. Legend has it there's a treasure
buried here in Starfall, and this map

leads to it. But you have to promise me
you won't tell anybody.

People would kill for this treasure.

It's a chest filled with priceless gold
doubloons. Wow.

Gold balloons.

Doubloons. Uh -huh. More coffee?

Whatever you're hiding, don't care. But
just to be clear, I know you're hiding

something. Hey,

what's that out there?

Oh, that's what we here call a squirrel.

Oh, right.

Squirrel. Well, gotta go.

Finally,

it's blue time.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't have time to eat. You need to
practice your lines for tomorrow.

Thanks, but I'm fine.

You have to nail that Neanderthal accent
for your time travel scene.

I'm a caveman. I don't have any lines.

Yeah, but can you grunt or furrow your
brow? I think I can figure it out.

And aren't you supposed to be at the
rescue?

No. I take the necessary time off to
assist you better.

Oh, great.

Dad. Off the couch, got to get you
moving. You've got a big stunt coming up

you need to be in shape to handle the
fall.

Definitely not going to exercise and
definitely not doing a big fall.

That's what stunt doubles are for.

Me and my burger are going to enjoy the
game.

Potato chips on your burger?

I like texture.

Not a healthy choice.

You know what?

There is something you could assist me
with. What is it?

I have a juggling scene later this week.

Brandy used to practice things like
this, then teach me how to do it. You

to juggle bones.

Crystal bones.

In my movie, while doing an autopsy, I
discover that alien bones are made of

crystal. Then, to impress the cute
detective, I start juggling them. Why

aliens have crystal bones?

I don't know.

The movie's going through a lot of
rewrites. Don't worry. I'm so going to

juggling these.

No way. I'm going to juggle.

Take as much time as you need.

Father! It's time to leave for set.

I don't have to be there for an hour.
Which is exactly why we need to leave.

I'm going to drive you carefully,
because you are what we call in the

business, precious cargo.

Livery business?

What? Oh.

Seriously,

son, you've got to work on your
entrances.

I found it.

I found the treasure.

Where did you get that?

Um, this place called where the map told
me to.

But that, that's real gold.

Any chance we can go a little faster,
Phoenix? It's important to slow down and

take in the scenery. An old lady just
passed us.

She was walking. I call it cloud speed.

Helps you enjoy the ride.

Oh, look at that. We're here.

No need to stop.

I'm fine. I got it. I got it. Thank you.

Namaste.

Here, let me.

With all the texting I do, I totally
have better HEC.

HEC? Hand -eye coordination.

Duh. Please, I played softball.

Go. Though I have way more H -E -C,
which is so not a thing.

Jimmy.

No, no, no.

Why did we practice on the driveway?

Because you said we should. You said we
should. You remember.

But, but... We can totally just glue
them back together.

Yes, glue them.

Totally. We just need glue.

Oh. I just bought this perfect glue, and
it's sticky, and it's strong, and it's

so sticky that I couldn't even get...

Rick!

Namaste.

I can't believe you broke them!

You broke them!

Well, Phoenix is the one who ran them
over. Right.

You broke them!

You can't break what's already broken.

Unless it's a heart.

Then you can shatter it multiple times.

I miss you, Jen Bastetto.

I'm totally going to tell Dad that it
wasn't my fault. Well, I'm telling him

wasn't my fault. Wait.

So whose fault is it?

I can't believe it's real.

That's not even all of it. Huh?

This isn't a chest.

There's another map?

Looks like there's treasure buried all
around here.

If you want to get dirty.

Oh, let's get digging.

It wasn't my fault.

I told her I had better ATC, but she
didn't listen and got all grabby.

We'll fix it. Well, we could have fixed
it if Phoenix wasn't such a terrible

driver.

Frost and a crystal. I mean, really. You
might as well make him out of baby

kangaroos.

What? Baby kangaroos are really fragile.

Okay, you two need to calm down.

Dad, I just wanted to let you know it
wasn't my... Hey, how did you beat me

here? You're the slowest driver ever.

Cloud speed.

Phoenix, you're fired.

How come you get to fire him? Because
I'm Dad's assistant.

Well, so am I.

One of you Craig's assistants?

I am. You've seen some crystal bones?

One of a kind? Need them back so we can
shoot.

Namaste.

Oh, hey, Mr. Brooks.

Sophia's not here, is she?

No.

Diamond? No.

Can I help you with something?

Depends. Can you hide me from my
assistant?

Can I?

You're looking at the hide -and -seek
champion of third grade.

Got a ribbon and everything.

Yes, yes, good.

You keep an eye out for the girls.

Well, it really was more of a hider than
a seeker, but I'll do my best.

Anyway, you hungry?

Boiled up some hot dogs with the water
eater. Really?

Okay.

Sauerkraut? Yes, please.

My own recipe.

Mmm.

Mmm.

So good.

I know, right?

Did you make this sign yourself?

Yep. And I organized all the files,
fixed that bunny's paw, and made my own

mustard, too.

Unbelievable.

And hey, if you want to relax, there's a
game on in the back.

Are you crying?

Just a little.

There's nothing here.

I think you're bad luck.

I only had to dig one hole.

Try over there. Where? There's no place
left to dig.

Hey. What do you say we take the first
treasure and go back home, huh?

Nope. But can you help me bring it back
to the set?

Huh? What do you mean, the set?

You played me, didn't you? Yep.

The gold spade. A prop for my dad's
movie.

But why?

I never knew my grandparents.

So sue me if I wanted to spend time with
one.

do was help Craig, but instead I ended
up fighting with Diamond, breaking

and getting teased out of craft service.

Craft service?

Why? They make the cutest little
hamburgers, but apparently they're just

crew. Honey, can we talk about this
later? I've really got to get to my

What about my problem?

The mini burger? No, Craig.

Right. Well, what did he say about the
whole assistant thing?

No idea.

I don't even know where he is.

I guess I got distracted trying to spite
Diamond.

Why would I do that?

Ever wonder why Diamond would want to be
your dad's assistant?

To spite me, of course. Duh.

Might be better to ask.

But why else would Diamond be doing
this?

Because I never get to spend any time
with my dad, and I thought maybe this

I could.

You weren't doing this to spite me? Of
course not. Who would do something like

that?

No one I know, that's for sure.

My dad's always so busy with work, and
I'm cool with that.

I just wish I could see him more, so we
could be closer.

You know, like you and your mom.

Wow. Sorry I got so competitive.

I had no idea.

Look, the job's all yours.

I'll back off. Really?

Oh, thank you.

Bestie selfie.

Ooh, this is going to be so much fun. I
can talk my dad into taking early

lunches, maybe even get us mini
-petties. Ooh, and maybe even...

my new assistant.

Sorry, girls, but as assistants, you
didn't relieve my stress.

You made it worse.

That was all my fault, not Diamond. She
is great, the best.

She should be your assistant.

Jacked her.

It's all good.

Nate's like a better Randy.

He's amazing at this.

Got a super smoothie coming at you. Key
ingredient, hot dog water.

Okay, not the best example.

But can I make a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich where the PB and J don't

touch? Huh?

It's cool. I really wasn't down with the
whole assistant thing anyway.

Mmm.

That's amazing.

Hot dog water.

Who knew?

Smoothie? That's disgusting.

Yeah, that is not good.

Diamond wanted to be her dad's assistant
because she never gets to spend time

with him.

Oh, wow.

I knew something was weird. I could feel
it in my gut. Gotta listen to your gut.

Barfing's when you don't listen.

Okay, you are extra gross today.

So what are we gonna do? We have to help
Diamond.

Well, I am his assistant, which means
I'm in charge of his schedule.

I can make him be wherever we want.

How does that help?

Mind if I join you?

Another fake map?

Nope. This is for a scavenger hunt.

Annual thing here in Starfall.

Thought maybe we could make a little Lou
and Bo time this weekend.

Apology accepted.

I wasn't apologizing.

Hand me a fork. I packed.

I'm a veterinarian. Well, not that I
wasn't before, but you get it.

Ooh.

It was a hard test, but I deserve a pie.

Nate, I didn't ask you to schedule a
movie.

Well, your schedule's been a bit short
on diamond time lately.

Oh, wait.

So that's why you were trying to be my
assistant, so we could spend more time

together. Uh -huh.

Okay, that makes way more sense, because
you're like the least assistant -y

person I know. Yeah, and I'm totally
fine with that.

Thanks, Nate.

So, what do you want to see?

Well, I kind of want to see The
Brickmaker's Wife, but I can't see that

movie, Trinch Lynch, alone, so... Well,
we could see one movie tonight and the

other next week.

I like that one.

Impressive.

You really are a good assistant.

Thanks. Excuse me. Where are my crystal
bones?

We need them on set, now!

Um, make the new assistant.

Later.

See ya.