Original subtitles

Michael, what is this?

An apology.

An apology for what? For interrupting you. I know you told me you had to work

all weekend, but I was too weak to stay away. I really had to see you. So I

decided to bring over this little token of my regret.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

Oh, gosh.

Now, I've already pled guilty, and that was worth any punishment you could

possibly dish out, so I suggest that you sentence me to an evening of hard labor

taking you dinner and dancing.

No, absolutely not.

That is exactly the kind of thing that has gotten me two weeks behind in my

already. You know how many long lunches and half days off I have had in the last

three months?

Not enough.

And it is all because of you.

Michael, you are a lunatic, but I love you for it.

Obviously, you don't love me as much as I love you. Otherwise, you'd go out with

me tonight.

Can't this stuff wait?

No, it can't. I have to have a preliminary draft on the manual tomorrow

Ah,

what have we here?

Are you Zebra Delta 5 personnel? Yes, I am. Now, put that down.

Michael, if anyone again finds out I took that file home, I'm dead.

Michael, you are not supposed to look at that.

Yeah, you love me, but you don't trust me.

Of course I trust you.

I'm afraid, Susan, that was your first mistake.

What do you mean?

This is the refined target acquisition device, isn't it?

Do you know that some country's going to pay me a fortune for this?

And I owe it all to you.

Please tell me you're joking Please

Don't be absurd

Don't tell me A .J. Simon's actually admitting he's wrong.

Well, I'd say I was just half wrong.

The food is excellent, the flyer is terrible.

What's wrong with it? First of all, the name.

Low chins. And the location.

714 Hawthorne Street East, second floor above Diego's Speedy Lube.

I guess that's not the best.

But, look at this. For every $20 order, free lube job.

Well, that should pull the trendy set.

Meet a Mysterious Woman.

Get this. Meet is spelled M -E -A -T.

You will meet a mysterious woman, M -E -A -T.

Oh, you want originality or good mooshu pork?

Neither. I want the free lube job.

Hey, Jay.

Mysterious woman.

Are you Simon and Simon?

Yes, ma 'am.

What can we do for you?

My name is Susan Killian.

And, uh... I need your help.

I don't know why I was surprised when he took the file.

Thank you.

Sounds like a real winner.

How did you get involved with him?

I met Michael at my company's last New Year's Eve party.

Usually, I don't even go.

But this year, I was getting an award.

for 15 years of service at Gettin' Industry.

Anyway, I, uh... I decided to splurge. You know, get a facial

and a new hairdo and a fancy ball gown.

I thought I looked pretty good.

And then Michael asked me to dance.

We whirled and whirled around that dance floor. I felt like I was...

Like Cinderella?

That sounds so stupid now.

Hey, you're so rough on yourself.

Being a fool for love is practically a national pastime.

There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Susan, you can't let him get away with this.

You have to fight back.

We have a friend who's a policeman.

No.

No.

I've worked long and hard to become the senior technical writer at Gatton.

They cannot find out about that file.

My work is all I have.

And besides, the police won't do anything.

Well, you haven't met Lieutenant Brown.

He'll turn his jamoke every which way but loose.

You don't understand.

Michael's real first name is Miroslav.

He's the vice consul at the Yugoslavian consulate. He has diplomatic immunity.

Oh, boy.

That is trouble.

I don't care.

These immunity guys prime like they heat us. Maybe town can find a loophole.

I would like to help, guys, but there's not much I can do. I would like your

client to file charges against Bellius, though. Our client has to remain

anonymous, town. Besides, what's the point? You can't do anything about it.

Every little bit helps.

We got quite a dossier on Mr. Bellius.

Such as?

Well, he has 126 unpaid traffic tickets.

Six months ago, we caught him shoplifting a $3 ,000 gold watch.

He did a job on an old man in a bar last summer.

And your client is the third woman that he's punched out in the last two years.

I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that you're not very fond of Mr.

Bellius. You could walk blindfolded through your nearest kennel and scrape

better stuff off your shoes.

The man's a slime.

He's scum. He's a waste of skin. Now, what are we going to do about it?

Well, I'll tell you. Law or no law, he's not getting away with this. You really

going after him? Damn right I am.

Let me give you some advice.

Number one, he's big league, so watch your butts.

Number two, if you could arrange a meeting for me and Mr. Bellius

in a dark alley, I'm yours for life.

Take a number.

Of course it's me, honey. Who else has a key to your house?

Uh, let's not go into that right now. I'll be right down.

Oh, Rick.

You scared me.

Come on, Mom. It's not that bad.

I wasn't talking about the outfit.

You look handsome.

Thank you.

Very elegant.

So what's the scam?

Yeah, Rick, what's the scam?

Mom... You wouldn't believe us if we told you.

Well, honey, I'm your mother, and if you look me in the eye and tell me the

truth, I'll always believe you.

Okay.

A .J. and I are going to a party at the Yugoslavian consulate.

Rick, you can do better than that.

Yeah. If it's a secret, just tell me, but don't invent something preposterous.

Okay, it's a secret.

That's better.

A .J., where's that wonderful recipe for squab?

Squab. Squab.

Sit in here.

You have a big night?

I'm fixing dinner for Justin St. George, the professional chef.

Mother.

That guy's on the society column every week with a different woman. He's a

womanizer. Have fun, Mom. Rick. Thank you.

A .J., I can handle Justin.

And I'm expecting you both for Sunday brunch and bring extra copies of the

just in case my picture's in there. Bye.

Bye.

Enjoy.

Rick, what are you doing? What did you say to that boy? Just a mad impulse on

part.

Could we get back to business for just a second here?

You done the background on the guy you're supposed to be replacing at the

Of course.

My name is Charles Franklin. I'm a civilian employee at Geddon Industries.

worked there for the past eight years.

My specialty is computer enhancement of aerial reconnaissance photographs.

And I happen to know the difference between a nanosecond and a knock force,

which is more than I can say for you.

Oh, yeah?

Lieutenant Colonel Maxwell Lee.

I lecture on desert warfare at the War College.

I've been T .D. Wyatt Geddon Industries for the past two years, working on more

reliable propulsion systems, all very top secret.

Wow. Well, Susan went to a lot of trouble to get these invitations. Let's

blow it.

I bet your lectures are boring.

Phileas' quarters were on the second floor, southwest corner.

Well, we should split up and mingle.

Whoever gets sprung loose first cases the upstairs.

Okay.

I realize there's a pretty good chance he may have already turned the file over

to his superiors.

No way. He turns it over to them, he gets a nice pat on the head. He sells to

the highest bidder, he makes millions.

Don't worry, he'll get it.

Champagne? Champagne anyone?

What are you doing here? We're undercover.

I thought you said you couldn't touch this case.

We can't, but the chief wants to know every move he makes.

Any little slip and we're here to record it.

Okay, well, it's fine, but we're doing kind of risky business ourselves, all

right? Hey, who's stopping you? Just don't count on me to bail you out

I've got no official standing.

Champagne?

I guess it's not so bad having a town here.

At least he's an undercover expert, so our cover is safe.

Hors d 'oeuvres, gentlemen?

The pâté is particularly tasty tonight.

Excuse me.

Don't I know you? The yacht races in Newport last season, right?

Yes.

Yes, I think you do.

We met at a club, I believe.

Which club?

The club, of course. You were with Biffy.

No, I was with Butcher and Kitty.

That's right, of course. How is old Butcher? I haven't seen him for months.

Months? Butcher died in an auto race in France almost a year ago.

No. Yeah. He was so young.

Young? Butcher was 62.

Yeah, but he looked great.

Would you excuse me a moment, please?

You're far too young to be a colonel.

No. Lieutenant Colonel.

Daddy.

Daddy. This is Lieutenant Colonel Maxwell Lee.

Maxwell Lee. How do you do, sir? A pleasure.

I've read everything you've ever written on desert warfare.

Sheer genius.

But I must ask you, what do you think about flanking actions against superior

forces in a desert setting?

Flanking actions.

Well, I've always thought that if you send your flankers deep and you lengthen

the defensive zones and you turn it more into a vertical as opposed to a

horizontal game... Yes, I see what you mean.

You do?

Yes, it attenuates the enemy's lines of supply.

Precisely, precisely. Of course, your front line must pick up any blitz,

otherwise your field general could be Red Dog to death.

That's brilliant.

Of course, the red dog is more often called the red bear.

Uh -huh.

Really?

I knew him like clues.

I picked up my date early. You can pick me up. Wait right here.

I've got a pat on my nose.

I'll be counting the seconds.

In English, Sonia.

Don't make a scene.

I am your wife.

You cannot flaunt these women. And I am an intelligence officer.

I do what is necessary.

I told you to stay in Belgrade, but you insisted on coming out here.

Now, understand this.

Here we are not husband and wife.

We're not even related.

You have such a gift for precision.

Thank you. How would you sum up your theory of war?

War?

Well, war is hell.

But I would say that winning isn't everything.

It's the only thing.

I'm back.

Hi.

Where?

Well, um... Tammy, this is Sonia.

Sonia. Tammy.

So, Tammy.

Michael was just telling me that you have a very important job in the

government.

He was putting you on.

I came here with Admiral Merton.

I'm a cocktail waitress. They had a club near his base.

Ah.

Well, Michael, what do you have to say for yourself?

Absolutely nothing.

Now, if you'll excuse us.

You can't do this.

Hey, what is your problem?

Who is this, Michael?

She's merely an acquaintance.

Well, then get your claws out of Michael before I rip them off. You stay out of

this. Listen, sister.

I think you need to cool off.

Sonia?

I'm going up there to pack.

What are you doing?

Well... I know this must seem rather

strange to you.

The truth is that I collect Oriental rugs.

I was especially interested in this one because it's Persian.

You're here to rob Michael, aren't you?

No.

No, really. See, I was counting the threads per square inch. Good.

I hope you take everything he has.

In fact, I'll help you wrap him.

Push 316.

I'm sorry, I don't know the combination.

That's quite all right.

You've been a great help.

Now, there are two things you must do for me.

Gladly. What would you like?

First, you must hurt Michael as much as possible.

My pleasure.

And the second?

Before I leave him, I want to pay him back.

We cannot penetrate the security of a foreign consulate. Sure we can.

We've already found the safe, checked out the outside security.

Right. What did you find?

Military guards, vicious dogs, automatic weapons, piece of cake for the right

equipment. For instance, the dogs.

This little baby, in its ultrasonic waves, turns their killer instincts into

cottage cheese.

And this one.

This is going to give us the combination of the safe up to six digits.

Which one stops the bullets?

What do you expect me to do with this?

I expect you to die, Mr. Bond.

That's what I'm talking about.

What? That is exactly what I'm talking about. What?

You're carrying on as if this was some sort of spy game, some sort of big

adventure. A .J., this is a big adventure.

We're never going to get a case like this again in our whole careers.

This is one you tell your grandchildren about.

Rick, I hate to break it to you, but you cannot have grandchildren unless you

survive. Thank you, Mr. Sunshine.

Look, you can complain all you want, but you can't tell me that when you were up

there in that room, all decked out in your tuxedo, and that woman started

on to you, you cannot tell me that you didn't think about Cary Grant and Grace

Kelly.

Choo -choo.

Duty, duty.

Well.

Well.

After all, when you're under pressure like that, Em, dozens of things race

through your mind. Well, there you are, 007. Now you're getting into the spirit

of this thing. You know what I love about this.

We've had hundreds and hundreds of cases, but we've never had a paper.

Hi. I think we've got a break.

Edius, if you're still interested in stealing that file back.

Gee, I don't know.

Hey, Jay, are we still interested in stealing that file back, or are we going

allow Belius to humiliate Susan and us?

What's the break? I could use one.

The Soviets are giving a banquet tonight.

I don't think we're up to another party just yet. No, this is in Los Angeles,

and most of the Yugoslavian consulate will be there, including Michael.

Tonight? No.

No.

No, no way. Forget it. No.

I mean it.

It's like Grand Central Station.

Okay.

Let's go up the other side. We'll go over the roof.

Because you like Susan.

Yes. And you despise Belius. Yeah.

Besides, the worst of it's over.

The commandos are on the prowl.

Okay. Let's go. You mean now?

Slick as glass!

Not the television, Rick.

I don't think we're going to have time for Wheel of Fortune.

Voila.

Dog repeller.

Come on, does this thing have batteries? Of course it has batteries. You think

I'm an idiot?

No comment.

Another one of surplus Sammy's finest.

It worked in the store.

Besides, it was marked down.

You just risked our lives on one of Sammy's special closeout sales.

Yes, well, let's not get carried away, Mr. Grant. We still have to get out of

here.

What a night.

That out was worse than getting in.

Especially like the hundred -yard low crawl across the lawn highlighted by the

asphalt driveway.

Oh, and let's not forget.

Rolling up like a couple of hedgehogs behind that bush while the guards held a

family reunion.

Isn't this where James Bond usually grabs a shower and puts on a dinner

and spends the night with an exotic woman?

Yeah.

I'll leave that part to you.

No need to thank me.

Oh, please, Rick.

Promise me we're never, ever going to do this again.

My hand to God, if only I could raise it.

Simon and Simon, FBI.

I'm Inspector Harkness. This is Special Agent Wilson.

Tonight you stole classified documents from Michael Bellius.

Says who?

Don't play dumb with me.

He's not playing, and Michael Bellius shouldn't have any classified documents.

Exactly. Our government is working very hard to convince the Yugoslavs to drop

his diplomatic immunity.

We will then arrest him for spying, espionage, etc.

But now you have stolen the evidence we need to convict him.

Oops.

Oops. We have infrared pictures of every move you made. I can get you 15 years

on Terminal Island without raising a sweat, unless you cooperate.

Ah.

In that case, Inspector, we'll be happy to do

whatever we can.

Any... Little thing.

Anything. All right.

Our sources tell us that Bellius will try and sell the information in Mexico

City within the next 48 hours.

So time is of the essence.

Those documents must be returned to his possession.

No problem at all.

We'll be happy to turn these over to you, and I'm sure that you have any

any number of really fine operatives who can get these back in that little safe.

Forget it, Mr. Simon.

We can't risk an FBI agent being caught in the act of planting evidence on a

foreign national.

It would be diplomatic disaster.

But... that... that only leaves...

another option.

Yes.

You two stole the material.

You two put it back.

Hi.

I couldn't sleep a wink last night.

Did you get it?

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

At least you didn't get caught.

You could try again.

Susan, he's got armed guards. I mean, there's security crawling all over the

place. Look, we're not giving up.

It's just we can't make any promises.

No, that's it.

It's over.

My job.

I could even go to jail.

And what happens to him? Nothing.

He's treated me like a bug and he is just going to walk away.

You don't know that for sure.

He may still get what's coming to him. Don't coddle me.

And don't lie to me.

He's going to get away with it just like he always has.

The system stinks.

And you're not going to try and do anything about it any more than the

will. Susan.

Susan, wait.

Harkness.

We certainly got rid of that security risk for you, didn't we?

I hope you enjoyed our performance, pal, because somewhere down the road, it's

going to cost you.

Be careful, because this is where you slipped last night.

A

little

help here, A .J.? Just a minute.

I don't have a minute.

Will you stop playing, boy? We've got to get down there.

I'm going out for the evening.

Ready? I can't wait to see Chez Rodin.

I'm afraid you're going to have to wait a couple of minutes. I seem to have

forgotten my wallet up in my quarters.

Come on. I might as well show you my home, sweet home.

It's right up here.

Second door.

Okay.

Of course, your space is limited, but you do what you can to be comfortable.

You ready to go?

In a minute.

Sit down.

You know, I just had a wonderful idea.

I mean, why go out and fight the crowds and we can spend a nice, quiet night

right here? But, Michael, I want to go to Chez Rosine. I know, I know, but, you

know, our chef could prepare us a wonderful meal right here and we can

Get better acquainted.

Come on, Michael.

I'm really looking forward to going to Chez Rosine.

We've got plenty of time.

Our reservations aren't for over an hour.

Stop it.

Just stop it, Michael.

Look, I spent half a week's tips on this dress.

If we aren't going out, I'm going bye -bye. Why don't we just do that later?

can see what's on television. Television?

No way.

I'm leaving.

Wait a minute. What if I told you that I was on duty tonight and I can't leave

the consulate?

What if I told you I never want to see you again?

Okay, okay.

I'll walk you out. We can talk about it next weekend.

Any other escape or business could give a man an ulcer.

Well, now, Mr. Bond, let's blow this pot stand.

Very good, Mr. Bond.

This is absolutely insane, Susan.

Oh, I know it is.

It's the only way I could get to you, Michael.

What the hell is she doing here?

Getting some justice.

You know what your big mistake was?

You forgot to send a memo out to the guards telling them that you were

using me.

They all recognized me.

I just walked right in. Susan, please, if you'll just calm down.

I want that file now. I'm sorry. I sold it.

But, um...

I have the money in a six deposit box. The key's right here in my nightstand.

Don't touch that drawer!

I don't want any money.

I don't want anything now.

Goodbye, Michael.

Susan!

What is this? Who are you? I wanted him to pay.

He deserves to pay.

I know. I know.

All right, grandchildren should like this part.

You actually thought that you could break in here and rob

me? We did think we could do that, but we also had a tremendous desire to

your head like an overripe melon.

Easy, Rick.

Michael.

Michael, these men were just trying to help me.

No harm was done.

If you cared for me at all, please let them go.

Susan.

We both know I didn't care for you.

That's why you came in here to murder me.

And now you want me to be merciful?

My answer is no.

What a surprise.

Listen, I'd really like to stay and entertain you people some more, but I

some travel plans to make.

Bottom of the Pacific's always nice this time of year.

How soon can you have a plane here to pick me up?

It's a bit inconvenient, but I'll manage.

Just tell the pilot to meet me at Gillespie Field at dawn.

Goodbye.

Gillespie Field. I'm in a hurry.

So, guys, you both speak English?

Word bribe mean anything to you?

Word bribe doesn't mean anything to them.

No kidding.

Uh -oh. What's the matter?

Ah, the carburetor in this heap is messing up again. I'm going to have to

it out.

Sorry about that.

Nixon. Roger,

Lieutenant. Two blocks behind you.

Any word from Inspector Harkness or the Simons?

Not yet.

You mind if I watch a little television? Could you open up the cabinet doors

here, please?

Ask for water.

Excuse me.

Could I please get a glass of water from the bathroom?

I'm going to listen to it anyway. It's a good movie.

Rocky annihilates the rough guys.

Hey, come on. I've got a plane to catch.

Almost got it, sir. Just a couple more minutes.

Brown here.

Hawkins got it, Lieutenant.

All right.

Let's go to phase two, Nixon. Out.

That's it, sir. It's full speed ahead to the airport.

Excuse me, sir. What's the beef, Mac? You carrying a Miroslav Felius?

That's me. What's the problem?

Sir, there's been an emergency at your council, and the council general

you return there immediately.

But I have a plane to catch.

Sorry, my orders are very clear. You have to go back.

I am going to Gillespie Field.

Not in my cab. I'm not going to ignore a cop.

Follow me. Yes, sir.

Well, well.

You're still alive.

Yeah, no thanks to you. And your big collar's on his way out of the country

right now.

Not to worry, Tom.

There's

soft

bellies.

I'm Inspector Harkness of the FBI. I have a federal warrant here for your

on spying and espionage charges.

San Diego PD also has some questions that we want to discuss with you.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, we have been down this road so many times

before. I have diplomatic immunity.

You have no jurisdiction over me.

So now, if you'll excuse me. Not this time, Mr. Bellius.

With the help of your wife, we made a special appeal to your embassy in

Washington.

Just 30 minutes ago, they formally cancelled your immunity.

This is the official notice.

This is a trick.

We'd like to see what you have in the briefcase.

You stay away from me.

I know you like our country.

Wait till you see our prisons.

That felt good.

You have the right to remain silent. You give up your right to remain silent.

Not bad, Mr. Simon.

The Bureau appreciates your help.

We want more than your appreciation.

What we want is for you to tell Geddon Industries that Susan took that file as

an official part of your sting operation against Bellius.

Look, I know what Miss Killian did was an error in judgment, not an act of

disloyalty. But the FBI doesn't make that kind of deal.

Mm -hmm.

Golly, Rick.

You know, I wonder what would happen if we testified at Belli's trial that the

FBI had forced us to put the file in the safe.

Oh, well, of course, we would have to tell the truth.

Oh, absolutely. It would be our civic duty to do so.

Be unethical to do otherwise.

Immoral.

And I can't believe that you actually blackmailed the FBI.

That I'm going to keep my job. Keep it. You're going to get a promotion or we're

going to know the reason why.

Absolutely.

Susan, you ready to go?

Go where?

Richard, how can you not know?

I'm going to grab a shower. I'm going to change into some elegant clothes.

I'm going to treat Susan to a champagne brunch. And then, God knows, we shall

spend the rest of the afternoon.

That's just fine for you, but what about me?

Well, for one thing, you don't own any elegant clothes.

And for another, you promised me the exotic one, remember? Okay, time out

If she's the exotic woman and you're James Bond, who am I?