Original subtitles

The last time you're ever going to talk me into that.

Me? You're the one who wanted to go to the Big Orange. I hate L .A.

Give me a break. When they said $2 ,000 for a weekend's tale, you started

drooling on the desk.

You'd have gone to Siberia.

Siberia would have been lovely.

Cool, no smog, no jealous husbands with machine pistols. No charger game.

Oh, what a slaughter.

Which we saw from the 82nd row of the end zone, where you got sick from the

nachos. Yeah, I know, I know. Don't talk about it.

Did the police say when they were going to release your truck from impound?

Yeah, when they get the bullet holes puttied.

Putting that towing bill on our fee, by the way.

Yeah.

Boy.

This stuff would feel pain.

That's awful.

This from a man who drinks Don Diablo?

Oh, my God. What?

Is this Monday?

Yes, unless you're in Australia.

Are we on time? What time do we get in?

I don't know. Why? What's wrong?

Ah!

Ah, never mind. You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

Excuse me, ma 'am. I got a family emergency. My wife's having a baby.

get this cab, please?

Well, uh... Twist.

Tripless, maybe. There you go. Come on, AJ. Get in here. Come on. Get in here.

Come on.

Sweet deal for me.

I was just getting out.

You want... Hey, give me the... You've got some nerve.

Promising that guy double meter when I'm the one who has to pay.

Trust me, it'll be worth it. What time is it?

Fifty -nine. Come on, come on, come on.

All right.

You risked my life for this?

No, no, no, not yet.

Buenos dias, señores, señoritas, boys and girls.

Don Diego, the hooker at the colors, presents the fourth clue in the contest

have all been waiting for.

Win your future fortune.

That's a fine.

Don Diablo, Mason Cage.

Hooray!

Great, isn't it?

Words fail me.

Are you ready?

Write it down. Tape it. What? You will only hear it once.

Are you ready?

Ready.

Try Don Diablo coolers. They drink so divine.

Slow down. When you find that...

have reached the end of the line.

Hooray!

Let's go.

Uh, excuse me, Rick.

Am I crazy or did we just get here?

AJ, you heard the man. All of San Diego's gonna be out there looking.

Looking where?

The end of the line at the train station. Are you gonna drive or am I

steal your car?

Uh, Rick.

Didn't we just come from the train station? AJ, it's $100 ,000. Come on.

Where did you learn to drive, leisure world?

You're bugging me. I can drive slower.

Who is that guy, anyway?

Oh, some actor.

Imagine, after all these years, the dawn's finally going gringo.

Anyway, they hid a case of this stuff somewhere in town.

We find it, take it back to the TV station. Bingo. Six figures.

Rick, has it occurred to you that it may not be as easy as all that? Oh, come

on, AJ.

We're detectives. We live by our wits. We think ahead.

We solve the mysteries of human nature.

We stake out sleazy motels. We go through other people's garbage. We get

at. Yes, and you can kiss all that goodbye because now we're turning our

honed minds to the one big enchilada.

It's fake.

It's like God just reached down and said, Rick.

Here's your brass ring, buddy.

Well, I'm grabbing at it.

And that clue, what could that mean?

The end of the line. What else could it mean but the train station?

The sky ride at SeaWorld for one, the Mexican border for another. Never mind

that. It's the train station.

I feel it.

Don't tell me you don't feel it. I don't feel it. I told you not to tell me

that.

Whoa.

A blueprint of this train station, isn't it?

But the clue was only on a few minutes ago. How'd you get that so quick?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. at Jeopardy! 1983 National Final. I knew I recognized you.

won over 300 ,000 bucks.

I should have been half a million. Those damn African countries change their

names every day.

Act this rich. My friends call me Aggie. My accountant calls me Daily.

Excuse me. Do you mean you enter these contests for a living?

Any fool can enter. I win them. Let me ask you just one question.

Nobody sees my intelligence reports. Now, scream.

I think I'm in trouble.

Somewhere here is the terminus of the once -proud Atchison, Topeka, and Santa

Fe.

Stand to the line.

I'm impressed, so where's the case of coolers?

Didn't mean to scare you. Oh, wow. Isn't this exciting?

You two boys trying to solve this contest, too? That boy is. This boy's

Oh? Don't tell me. You two heard the clue on TV and thought you'd just come

here and give it a whirl before you moved on with your vacation, right?

No. Mother and me are staying up at the Miramonte Trailer Park. Going to be

there the whole summer.

Oh. Well, somebody's going to win. Why shouldn't we?

Isn't that just... Come on, Peter.

Well...

Back to work, to our office, our livelihood.

The puzzles of human nature, as you so aptly put it. Oh, you mean the trash

and the no -tell motels. That's right, the ones that pay the rent and keep the

lights on. Oh, come on, A .J., where's your imagination? Where's your sense of

adventure?

I just missed getting flat by Winnebago. Who needs imagination?

That's a lousy attitude.

A .J., you've seen the competition. The Honeymooners and Grandma Moses. Now we

know it's in the bag.

You have obligations, Rick.

Commitments. What commitments?

What? Court tomorrow. The Maloney divorce.

Oh, AJ, you can handle that with your eyes closed.

Yes, I can.

But I won't. I shouldn't have to. We're partners.

Don't I have some vacation time coming or something? Does this look like an

insurance company? We work for ourselves, Rick.

Excuse me? What? What?

Excuse me.

May we help you?

My name is Shannon McGovern.

You gentlemen come highly recommended by a friend of mine.

I need your help.

Badly. Well, it's very nice to meet you. I have to go work on another top

priority case, but if you just fill my brother in on all the... Rick! We will

give you our undivided attention.

Rick! Day!

Won't you be seated?

Have either of you heard of McGovern Enterprises? We're in advertising.

We can't afford the yellow pages.

Well, I left a big agency a couple of years ago and started the company

Have you heard of the Don Diablo Cooler Contest?

I want you to find the missing case.

I don't understand.

It's your contest.

You see, our... Our client is Don Diablo's local distributor, Bartlett

Something has gone wrong with the procedure to verify the winner.

If the contest doesn't go as planned, I'll lose my company.

What's going to happen to the $100 ,000?

Well, if you're successful, nothing.

We'll check the case, return it, and leave it for the lucky winner.

We would be delighted to take the case.

Absolutely delighted.

Just give us the clues.

I can't. You can't?

No, you see, they're being held by that security company across the hall, Triple

I.

Even I don't know where the case is hidden.

Federal regulations are very strict. Wait a second.

If we take that case, that makes us your employees, doesn't it?

Rick. Well, technically, I... And that makes us ineligible for the prize money,

right? Rick. No.

No way, Jose, I'm not listening to any more of this. Uh -uh. No, I am not

hearing this. This is unprofessional behavior.

No, I am not hearing this. I am leaving now. Goodbye.

We would be delighted to take the case.

Absolutely delighted to take it.

So you had a fight with this guy Woolrich, who was the one employee who

where the stuff was hidden?

And then he just disappeared and left you hanging?

Yeah, but it's worse than that.

He hired two gorillas to break into my office this morning.

Now, how do you know that was him?

Well, they didn't go after money.

And they know exactly what to take to ruin the contest.

I still can't believe he did this to me.

Well, once we find the missing case, we'll know for sure.

You know, I went way out on a limb for this contest.

I've got employees, backers.

You know, I really feel more...

I'm more comfortable knowing that I have the full participation of your firm.

I quite understand.

You can rest assured I will get Rick on board.

Simon and Simon are on the job.

She went for help.

Simon and Simon, whoever they are.

So, uh...

Can we call the big guy?

No, not yet.

I want to get to know these two intimately.

If they have any near or dear ones.

You get the picture?

What's your problem?

My only job is to make sure that this contest doesn't get back on track.

Because I don't want a couple of white knight PIs riding to that girl's rescue.

The girl? What about her? She's mine.

Come on.

Who's there?

The 82nd Airborne. Open up.

Come on, AJ. Clue's on in five minutes.

AJ.

This is your brother.

Remember the one who saved your life all those times?

Can you see that okay?

Well, yeah, but it's...

Dude.

Come on, A .J., my TV's busted.

Hey, we're rivals on this one, brother, remember?

You're the one who decided to go independent.

Find the case all on your own. Leave me to the $400 a day drudgery.

All right, look, I'll paint your house.

I'll trim your lawn for a month.

For a year!

I don't have a lawn.

I'm sorry to bother you so early. I was on my way to the office and... No

problem.

I'll wash your car for you. That's why I wrote my home address on the car. I'll

never ask you to feed Marlowe again.

I just really wanted to see if you'd been able to convince your brother to

the case.

Well, let's say we're still... I'll cook your meals.

I'll wash your dishes. I'll even iron those stupid shirts of yours with the

little things in the collar.

Come in, Rick.

I'll...

I was really, really hoping to find you here. Look, it's no offense, Miss

McGovern, but I don't want to hear any of this. Listen, I really do need to

speak to you. It's very, very important to me. It's not going to hurt you to

listen to what I have to say.

How about we meet for lunch today? Is the Harbor House all right?

The what?

The Harbor House.

Harbor House is a little too rich for my blood.

I'm buying. 12 .30.

Great.

Well, thank you.

Bye. Oh, let me see you out. Here.

Boys and girls, time for today's mason case clue.

Brought to you by Don Diablo, coconut chocolate!

Are you ready?

In the rain, it goes great.

In the wind, it goes wobble -o.

Where the acclimate meets the sky, you will find Don Diablo! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Wait, wait, wait, Rick.

That lady is depending on you. Aha.

That lady is depending on you.

Sign a contract with her?

Not yet. I've got a verbal agreement. Not worth the paper they're written on.

There you go. What is this?

That's my leave of absence effective.

Now, I'll see you in the office bright and early Monday morning. Rick!

No, no, no. Rick!

Rick! You can't do this. Ah, no, I get it.

Creaking wobble -o. I get it this time.

Yeah, well, as a matter of fact, I got some ideas of my own, pal.

Rick,

this is low.

No, that's flat.

Rick, this is really low of you. You are behaving like a spoiled child.

Gee, that's a darn shame, AJ. You don't think I did that.

Oh, no.

Wish I'd thought of it, though.

Let me rephrase that.

Friends of yours?

I've seen them before.

You know, AJ, I don't think this was an accident.

It felt an awful lot like a setup.

Thanks for the help.

Hey, Rick.

Shannon told me that two crocodiles broke into her office.

Real cute, AJ, but it's not going to work.

No.

I'll rest a lot better when that money is nice and safe in my bank account.

Rick!

You don't have a bank account!

So you say ole' and you raise your glass and you drink, and I don't want to hear

any arguments.

Mr. Bartlett, it is illegal to drink on commercials anyway. Well, this is my

commercial, McGovern. I'm paying you, probably more than you're worth.

So just leave your opinions to yourself, okay? Go to lunch. Get lost.

My, what a charming gentleman.

Are all your clients that nice?

I'd rather take it from a client than from some boss.

What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be looking for the case?

With half of San Diego on my heels, I thought I'd have a better chance and

conduct my search more effectively if I had an advanced look at tomorrow's

clues.

Excuse me. Hi, Don.

How do you do? Walter Crumpset with Triple I.

Sorry to tell you this, but it looks like they sent over the wrong clue, and

here to check it. Top dollar?

And you send me some flunky tax return or something?

There's your guy now. Go ask him yourself.

How you could screw up something as easy as delivering a clue?

Save a few bucks under people's noses, they'd go crazy.

Nice, friendly place.

Order anything you like.

Expense account.

No, that might be Construda's payment.

So save your money.

Talk to me.

All right.

I know your brother is handling my case, and he seems very intelligent and very

competent. That's because he is.

But this puzzle needs a mind that's a little off -center, a little outrageous.

What's A .J. been saying about me?

Good things.

Just enough to make me feel sure I need you on my case.

Look, Miss McGovern, Shannon, I'm flattered. I really am.

But I can tell what you're leading up to with this.

And I've just got a wild hair about this one, you know?

I mean, if I give up my chance at this prize money, I'm going to be very

disappointed in myself.

Besides, you're underestimating my brother.

He just might beat me to it.

And there's absolutely nothing I can say to make you change your mind?

Absolutely nothing.

If you don't help me, there won't be any prize money.

Except that.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's you.

Hi. You're still looking? Yes, ma 'am. Bloody, but unbowed.

More intelligence reports?

That's right. This is the fourth place I've searched this morning.

Fourth? No, my staff came up with the seven that fit the rickety wobbly clue.

Staff?

Boy, I'm out of my league.

Maybe, maybe not.

You got here, didn't you?

Is that?

Hope you don't mind talking here.

The restaurant was giving my wallet hives. No, this is fine.

You were saying?

Uh, an employee, a friend of mine named Paul Woolrich, dreamed up the

contest and the clues.

He's zany, intuitive, a little like you.

Uh -huh.

And so you took his plan to Bartlett Liquors?

It's the kind of account I've wanted to land for over two years.

I staked the whole year's operating capital.

Anyway, Paul had always had a... He'd always thought of me as... He was in

love with you.

Call me zany and intuitive.

The night before the contest, he asked me to marry him.

I said no.

He got furious and disappeared.

And now I'm supposed to go on TV and verify the winner.

So, everybody finds the case, brings it in, you pay them off.

I can't, Rick.

When I got to work yesterday, two men had broken into my office.

AJ wasn't kidding.

Two guys with pituitary problems.

Right. Look at this.

This is the way the content works.

Paul Woolrich.

Jigsaw cut one of these pictures into three pieces.

Now, one edge piece he gave to Triple I. The other edge he gave to me. The

middle piece is buried inside the hidden crate. It marks the real winner.

Oh, so Joe Public can't just go out and get himself any old box of Cucaracha

coolers, come in and claim the prize money. His piece has got to match yours

Triple I's.

Right. Except mine was stolen, Rick.

I can't verify the winner.

No prize, no contest.

No contest.

No more McGovern Enterprises.

Uh, maybe I should explain a little bit about my brother.

Oh, I've been playing the games a long time, son.

Box tops when I was a little girl, spelling bees.

Then came Las Vegas.

Lotteries, bingo, football cards,

publisher's sweepstakes, then game shows.

Any idea what the odds are against you in this game?

Uh, no, I don't.

Never play a game without knowing the odds.

But that brother of yours, he's got an air about him.

Yes,

a lot of people say that about him. It worries me.

He's the kind that could back right into this thing.

I've seen his type before.

Don't let this get back to us, but A .J. Simon is probably the best detective in

San Diego.

Maybe the whole state.

If anybody can save your company, it's him, not me.

Rick, I need you both. Look, my secretary's about to have a baby.

I promised a job to my sister's kid. My employees are like family to me, Rick.

If I ever need an ad campaign, I know who I'm going to call.

Look, A .J. is probably already reconstructing your picture.

And maybe I'll get lucky and find it when he puts it back in a case.

Then who knows?

You like Acapulco?

AJ? You in there?

AJ?

AJ?

Who did this?

I don't know.

I was at the ghost town looking for the case.

I was looking into a cellar and somebody pushed me down the

stairs.

No.

Rick,

how many times do you and I get mauled on the same day?

Somebody's taking this contest awfully seriously.

Yeah, you got that right.

Remember Billy Brummel?

Billy Brummel was a subhuman monster.

What made you bring him up?

Well, you remember when he made fun of you for wearing the coon skin cap in the

Miss Dayton's class to fourth grade?

I remember it vividly.

You laughed. You thought it was funny.

Yeah, I...

Dead until he started pushing you around. Remember what I did then?

As I remember, you called him a weasel -faced moron, and then he beat you up

made you wear the Koonski cap. Well, forget about that part. The important

is that when the chips were down, when the shinola hit the fan, when the

going got rough...

Where do we start?

Well, first you're going to have to clean up the floor.

Then...

Senors

and senoritas, juniors and junioritas, come one and all.

Cucaracha Coolers presents our latest clue.

Are you ready?

The place for the end of the week, I would say, is the place where you'll

non -diabolo.

Place for the end of the week.

Well, this is the biggest draw for the weekend.

Well, sure, but what about the other clues?

It doesn't creak and wobble, and it's not the end of any line. This place is?

Well, I hope so.

I'm running out of possibilities. Pull in here.

See? End of the line for these creaky old wobbly things, don't you think?

Not bad, Rick. Hey.

You know what I woke up thinking about?

What?

What if, for some reason, somehow, you and I had to break up the team, go to

work in someone else's office?

You woke up thinking about Shannon?

No.

Well, I have to admit, I can't feed you taking orders from some three -martini

bozo. Neither can I.

Neither can Shannon.

That's why we've got to help her.

Okay.

That way.

It's awfully quiet.

Anything bothering you?

Well,

yeah, kind of.

You know what scares me?

Now everybody's going to be drinking Don Diablo.

It used to be unique, kind of exclusive.

Now it's going to be trendy.

Well, you can always get into low -impact aerobics and tofu.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look at that.

You don't suppose that could... Nah.

Couldn't be.

No.

You get the plate? No, not even a partial. It's too far gone.

Same van, though, no doubt about that.

We're going to have to tell town.

This is getting ridiculous. This is all over just a stupid box of... Box!

Excuse me, folks.

We found that first.

Bull, that's you, didn't you?

You fellas going to use those?

No. No, of course we're not. Someone was shooting at us. You're not going to

take our box away from us. Just look at you. You're young.

You've got on nice clothes.

You've got a lot of earning years ahead.

We need this.

Who?

I'll give you all you want. It doesn't matter.

I swept this park at dawn.

That is booze.

Unless you're like 30 white margaritas. Don't thought this was tricky.

Paul Woolrich got Shannon in this mess. We should have come here right away. She

did say 2B, didn't she? 2A. Oh, 2B. I remember just thinking... 2A. Rick,

going to bust in on some family eating dinner. Rick!

Well, I bet you Agnes isn't stumped for places to look.

Well, until we find some more clues, we are.

Gene!

Step right up!

Look at this.

Shannon said he was a little off -center.

Off -center?

Over the edge is more like it.

Looks pretty lived in, though.

If the guy did leave, he was planning on coming back.

Either of you moves an inch and you die.

I told you we should have gone to 2A. Shut up. Over to the wall. Put your

up on it.

Would it make any difference if we told you that our friends in the police

department were on their way over here even as we speak?

Not to me, because the police are already here.

You two are under arrest.

For what? For murder.

Whose murder?

Paul Woolrich's.

Where were you last night when we got booked?

You know, the guy who touched my mugshot actually said, say, cheese.

Guy's entitled an evening with his lady, isn't he?

Detective Albert said you two guys were very quiet about Paul Woolrich.

Well, I was about a client down in confidential privileged information.

I'll give you some privileged information.

Woolrich was found sitting in his car at the airport with a bullet hole between

his eyebrows, three days dead.

All right.

I guess we know for sure he's not the one who was shooting at us.

Brilliant deduction.

Is this his stuff?

Yeah, it just came up. I'm going to have the lab guy go over it.

I'm the lab guy. Wait a minute now.

Can we just take a little look? You're not supposed to be doing this. This is a

police property. We know that.

We know that.

You have to cut it.

It's a data disk.

Great, let me have it.

Could we... Could we just have this for an hour? We will trade you a full

statement. Come on, town, you're a great guy. You know that? Isn't he a swell

guy? Oh, yeah, principal fellow.

Where are you going to find a machine to run that by?

Can we just use your phone just for a minute?

Oh, sure.

Principal fellow.

I can't believe he's really dead.

I don't know, this has all gotten so crazy.

Maybe if I had... No, Paul's death wasn't your fault.

You don't give up either.

I think we've got the answer right here, okay?

Okay.

Here you go.

in there about missing case, contest, Don Diablo?

There's one labeled DDPC.

DD could be Don Diablo.

Ole.

Looks like some rough drafts of the early clues.

Vaqueros were skilled with the horse and the lasso. I think Don Diablo's a big

factor. Uh, we don't know.

Hey, how about this one?

Cucarache coolers sing the bells and the criers.

A gift to you gringos from Mexican friars.

Oh, I... Listen, it's vaqueros, friars,

bells.

Sounds like a bad spaghetti western.

It sounds like the San Diego Mission.

Hey, wait a minute. It is awfully old.

Yeah, right.

Creek and Wall Below.

Right. Well, what about the place where the end of the... Oh, Lord, it's church

on Sunday.

Oh.

The clue talked about bells and priors.

Where the clay meets the sky.

Where the clay meets the tower.

Come on. Our clue's on the air in ten minutes, and if we're right, this place

going to be crawling with treasure hunters in no time.

Oh, careful, it's heavy. Yeah.

All right.

Congratulations.

All right.

All right, did you bring those scissors and the other picture?

Lady, you are now out of the woods.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that I could have had it.

A hundred thousand smackers sitting right here and I could...

Come on.

I am getting real tired of these guys.

What the devil's going on here?

It must be morning, Matt.

I must, I must.

Peace be with you, dear brother.

All right, let's hear it.

All of it.

Once upon a time.

I'm surprised you're interested, Ms.

Hill. Don't you work for that other station?

News is news, and this contest is news, Mr. Bartlett.

Are you sure the winner will show up?

Oh, yes, that last clue was the ringer, Ms.

Hill. But we do have one slight problem.

The lady who's responsible for this wing ding isn't here to verify it. Yes, she

is. Right here.

Ready when you are, Mr. Bartlett.

It's like we have a winner.

Oh, no way. We have to verify this first.

Here, come here.

Let's do that.

Well, and where's yours, little lady?

It's a match.

We have a winner.

Didn't think you were ever going to have to part for that hundred grand, did

you?

I don't know what you mean.

Say, congratulations.

I'll lay off the bull, Bartlett.

Your check's no good. You've deported the entire city of San Diego. We know

truth, Ned.

When you got the Don Diablo franchise, you took out almost a million dollars in

loans from three different banks.

You wanted to go national, so you commissioned this contest.

But you overextended.

Spent it before you earned it, didn't you?

And when you couldn't honor the $100 ,000 prize, you decided to cover your

and make it look like my fault, didn't you?

So you bought off Paul Woolrich.

Only killing him was cheaper and safer than paying him off.

So you hired Jefferson Logan to make sure that Shannon here didn't get things

back on track, which is where we came in.

Crazy.

You'll never prove a word of it.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that.

It's going to take me all day just to read the charges against you. Here,

you deserve this. I'm sorry you can't cash it. Well, at least the good name of

Don Diablo is still untarnished.

Rick and AJ, can I have an interview with the heroes?

Oh, certainly.