All language subtitles for simon_simon_s06e09_the_case_of_don_diablo

The last time you're ever going to talk
me into that.

Me? You're the one who wanted to go to
the Big Orange. I hate L .A.

Give me a break. When they said $2 ,000
for a weekend's tale, you started

drooling on the desk.

You'd have gone to Siberia.

Siberia would have been lovely.

Cool, no smog, no jealous husbands with
machine pistols. No charger game.

Oh, what a slaughter.

Which we saw from the 82nd row of the
end zone, where you got sick from the

nachos. Yeah, I know, I know. Don't talk
about it.

Did the police say when they were going
to release your truck from impound?

Yeah, when they get the bullet holes
puttied.

Putting that towing bill on our fee, by
the way.

Yeah.

Boy.

This stuff would feel pain.

That's awful.

This from a man who drinks Don Diablo?

Oh, my God. What?

Is this Monday?

Yes, unless you're in Australia.

Are we on time? What time do we get in?

I don't know. Why? What's wrong?

Ah!

Ah, never mind. You wouldn't understand.

Okay.

Excuse me, ma 'am. I got a family
emergency. My wife's having a baby.

get this cab, please?

Well, uh... Twist.

Tripless, maybe. There you go. Come on,
AJ. Get in here. Come on. Get in here.

Come on.

Sweet deal for me.

I was just getting out.

You want... Hey, give me the... You've
got some nerve.

Promising that guy double meter when I'm
the one who has to pay.

Trust me, it'll be worth it. What time
is it?

Fifty -nine. Come on, come on, come on.

All right.

You risked my life for this?

No, no, no, not yet.

Buenos dias, señores, señoritas, boys
and girls.

Don Diego, the hooker at the colors,
presents the fourth clue in the contest

have all been waiting for.

Win your future fortune.

That's a fine.

Don Diablo, Mason Cage.

Hooray!

Great, isn't it?

Words fail me.

Are you ready?

Write it down. Tape it. What? You will
only hear it once.

Are you ready?

Ready.

Try Don Diablo coolers. They drink so
divine.

Slow down. When you find that...

have reached the end of the line.

Hooray!

Let's go.

Uh, excuse me, Rick.

Am I crazy or did we just get here?

AJ, you heard the man. All of San
Diego's gonna be out there looking.

Looking where?

The end of the line at the train
station. Are you gonna drive or am I

steal your car?

Uh, Rick.

Didn't we just come from the train
station? AJ, it's $100 ,000. Come on.

Where did you learn to drive, leisure
world?

You're bugging me. I can drive slower.

Who is that guy, anyway?

Oh, some actor.

Imagine, after all these years, the
dawn's finally going gringo.

Anyway, they hid a case of this stuff
somewhere in town.

We find it, take it back to the TV
station. Bingo. Six figures.

Rick, has it occurred to you that it may
not be as easy as all that? Oh, come

on, AJ.

We're detectives. We live by our wits.
We think ahead.

We solve the mysteries of human nature.

We stake out sleazy motels. We go
through other people's garbage. We get

at. Yes, and you can kiss all that
goodbye because now we're turning our

honed minds to the one big enchilada.

It's fake.

It's like God just reached down and
said, Rick.

Here's your brass ring, buddy.

Well, I'm grabbing at it.

And that clue, what could that mean?

The end of the line. What else could it
mean but the train station?

The sky ride at SeaWorld for one, the
Mexican border for another. Never mind

that. It's the train station.

I feel it.

Don't tell me you don't feel it. I don't
feel it. I told you not to tell me

that.

Whoa.

A blueprint of this train station, isn't
it?

But the clue was only on a few minutes
ago. How'd you get that so quick?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. at Jeopardy! 1983
National Final. I knew I recognized you.

won over 300 ,000 bucks.

I should have been half a million. Those
damn African countries change their

names every day.

Act this rich. My friends call me Aggie.
My accountant calls me Daily.

Excuse me. Do you mean you enter these
contests for a living?

Any fool can enter. I win them. Let me
ask you just one question.

Nobody sees my intelligence reports.
Now, scream.

I think I'm in trouble.

Somewhere here is the terminus of the
once -proud Atchison, Topeka, and Santa

Fe.

Stand to the line.

I'm impressed, so where's the case of
coolers?

Didn't mean to scare you. Oh, wow. Isn't
this exciting?

You two boys trying to solve this
contest, too? That boy is. This boy's

Oh? Don't tell me. You two heard the
clue on TV and thought you'd just come

here and give it a whirl before you
moved on with your vacation, right?

No. Mother and me are staying up at the
Miramonte Trailer Park. Going to be

there the whole summer.

Oh. Well, somebody's going to win. Why
shouldn't we?

Isn't that just... Come on, Peter.

Well...

Back to work, to our office, our
livelihood.

The puzzles of human nature, as you so
aptly put it. Oh, you mean the trash

and the no -tell motels. That's right,
the ones that pay the rent and keep the

lights on. Oh, come on, A .J., where's
your imagination? Where's your sense of

adventure?

I just missed getting flat by Winnebago.
Who needs imagination?

That's a lousy attitude.

A .J., you've seen the competition. The
Honeymooners and Grandma Moses. Now we

know it's in the bag.

You have obligations, Rick.

Commitments. What commitments?

What? Court tomorrow. The Maloney
divorce.

Oh, AJ, you can handle that with your
eyes closed.

Yes, I can.

But I won't. I shouldn't have to. We're
partners.

Don't I have some vacation time coming
or something? Does this look like an

insurance company? We work for
ourselves, Rick.

Excuse me? What? What?

Excuse me.

May we help you?

My name is Shannon McGovern.

You gentlemen come highly recommended by
a friend of mine.

I need your help.

Badly. Well, it's very nice to meet you.
I have to go work on another top

priority case, but if you just fill my
brother in on all the... Rick! We will

give you our undivided attention.

Rick! Day!

Won't you be seated?

Have either of you heard of McGovern
Enterprises? We're in advertising.

We can't afford the yellow pages.

Well, I left a big agency a couple of
years ago and started the company

Have you heard of the Don Diablo Cooler
Contest?

I want you to find the missing case.

I don't understand.

It's your contest.

You see, our... Our client is Don
Diablo's local distributor, Bartlett

Something has gone wrong with the
procedure to verify the winner.

If the contest doesn't go as planned,
I'll lose my company.

What's going to happen to the $100 ,000?

Well, if you're successful, nothing.

We'll check the case, return it, and
leave it for the lucky winner.

We would be delighted to take the case.

Absolutely delighted.

Just give us the clues.

I can't. You can't?

No, you see, they're being held by that
security company across the hall, Triple

I.

Even I don't know where the case is
hidden.

Federal regulations are very strict.
Wait a second.

If we take that case, that makes us your
employees, doesn't it?

Rick. Well, technically, I... And that
makes us ineligible for the prize money,

right? Rick. No.

No way, Jose, I'm not listening to any
more of this. Uh -uh. No, I am not

hearing this. This is unprofessional
behavior.

No, I am not hearing this. I am leaving
now. Goodbye.

We would be delighted to take the case.

Absolutely delighted to take it.

So you had a fight with this guy
Woolrich, who was the one employee who

where the stuff was hidden?

And then he just disappeared and left
you hanging?

Yeah, but it's worse than that.

He hired two gorillas to break into my
office this morning.

Now, how do you know that was him?

Well, they didn't go after money.

And they know exactly what to take to
ruin the contest.

I still can't believe he did this to me.

Well, once we find the missing case,
we'll know for sure.

You know, I went way out on a limb for
this contest.

I've got employees, backers.

You know, I really feel more...

I'm more comfortable knowing that I have
the full participation of your firm.

I quite understand.

You can rest assured I will get Rick on
board.

Simon and Simon are on the job.

She went for help.

Simon and Simon, whoever they are.

So, uh...

Can we call the big guy?

No, not yet.

I want to get to know these two
intimately.

If they have any near or dear ones.

You get the picture?

What's your problem?

My only job is to make sure that this
contest doesn't get back on track.

Because I don't want a couple of white
knight PIs riding to that girl's rescue.

The girl? What about her? She's mine.

Come on.

Who's there?

The 82nd Airborne. Open up.

Come on, AJ. Clue's on in five minutes.

AJ.

This is your brother.

Remember the one who saved your life all
those times?

Can you see that okay?

Well, yeah, but it's...

Dude.

Come on, A .J., my TV's busted.

Hey, we're rivals on this one, brother,
remember?

You're the one who decided to go
independent.

Find the case all on your own. Leave me
to the $400 a day drudgery.

All right, look, I'll paint your house.

I'll trim your lawn for a month.

For a year!

I don't have a lawn.

I'm sorry to bother you so early. I was
on my way to the office and... No

problem.

I'll wash your car for you. That's why I
wrote my home address on the car. I'll

never ask you to feed Marlowe again.

I just really wanted to see if you'd
been able to convince your brother to

the case.

Well, let's say we're still... I'll cook
your meals.

I'll wash your dishes. I'll even iron
those stupid shirts of yours with the

little things in the collar.

Come in, Rick.

I'll...

I was really, really hoping to find you
here. Look, it's no offense, Miss

McGovern, but I don't want to hear any
of this. Listen, I really do need to

speak to you. It's very, very important
to me. It's not going to hurt you to

listen to what I have to say.

How about we meet for lunch today? Is
the Harbor House all right?

The what?

The Harbor House.

Harbor House is a little too rich for my
blood.

I'm buying. 12 .30.

Great.

Well, thank you.

Bye. Oh, let me see you out. Here.

Boys and girls, time for today's mason
case clue.

Brought to you by Don Diablo, coconut
chocolate!

Are you ready?

In the rain, it goes great.

In the wind, it goes wobble -o.

Where the acclimate meets the sky, you
will find Don Diablo! Hooray!

Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Wait, wait, wait, Rick.

That lady is depending on you. Aha.

That lady is depending on you.

Sign a contract with her?

Not yet. I've got a verbal agreement.
Not worth the paper they're written on.

There you go. What is this?

That's my leave of absence effective.

Now, I'll see you in the office bright
and early Monday morning. Rick!

No, no, no. Rick!

Rick! You can't do this. Ah, no, I get
it.

Creaking wobble -o. I get it this time.

Yeah, well, as a matter of fact, I got
some ideas of my own, pal.

Rick,

this is low.

No, that's flat.

Rick, this is really low of you. You are
behaving like a spoiled child.

Gee, that's a darn shame, AJ. You don't
think I did that.

Oh, no.

Wish I'd thought of it, though.

Let me rephrase that.

Friends of yours?

I've seen them before.

You know, AJ, I don't think this was an
accident.

It felt an awful lot like a setup.

Thanks for the help.

Hey, Rick.

Shannon told me that two crocodiles
broke into her office.

Real cute, AJ, but it's not going to
work.

No.

I'll rest a lot better when that money
is nice and safe in my bank account.

Rick!

You don't have a bank account!

So you say ole' and you raise your glass
and you drink, and I don't want to hear

any arguments.

Mr. Bartlett, it is illegal to drink on
commercials anyway. Well, this is my

commercial, McGovern. I'm paying you,
probably more than you're worth.

So just leave your opinions to yourself,
okay? Go to lunch. Get lost.

My, what a charming gentleman.

Are all your clients that nice?

I'd rather take it from a client than
from some boss.

What are you doing here anyway? Aren't
you supposed to be looking for the case?

With half of San Diego on my heels, I
thought I'd have a better chance and

conduct my search more effectively if I
had an advanced look at tomorrow's

clues.

Excuse me. Hi, Don.

How do you do? Walter Crumpset with
Triple I.

Sorry to tell you this, but it looks
like they sent over the wrong clue, and

here to check it. Top dollar?

And you send me some flunky tax return
or something?

There's your guy now. Go ask him
yourself.

How you could screw up something as easy
as delivering a clue?

Save a few bucks under people's noses,
they'd go crazy.

Nice, friendly place.

Order anything you like.

Expense account.

No, that might be Construda's payment.

So save your money.

Talk to me.

All right.

I know your brother is handling my case,
and he seems very intelligent and very

competent. That's because he is.

But this puzzle needs a mind that's a
little off -center, a little outrageous.

What's A .J. been saying about me?

Good things.

Just enough to make me feel sure I need
you on my case.

Look, Miss McGovern, Shannon, I'm
flattered. I really am.

But I can tell what you're leading up to
with this.

And I've just got a wild hair about this
one, you know?

I mean, if I give up my chance at this
prize money, I'm going to be very

disappointed in myself.

Besides, you're underestimating my
brother.

He just might beat me to it.

And there's absolutely nothing I can say
to make you change your mind?

Absolutely nothing.

If you don't help me, there won't be any
prize money.

Except that.

Excuse me.

Oh, it's you.

Hi. You're still looking? Yes, ma 'am.
Bloody, but unbowed.

More intelligence reports?

That's right. This is the fourth place
I've searched this morning.

Fourth? No, my staff came up with the
seven that fit the rickety wobbly clue.

Staff?

Boy, I'm out of my league.

Maybe, maybe not.

You got here, didn't you?

Is that?

Hope you don't mind talking here.

The restaurant was giving my wallet
hives. No, this is fine.

You were saying?

Uh, an employee, a friend of mine named
Paul Woolrich, dreamed up the

contest and the clues.

He's zany, intuitive, a little like you.

Uh -huh.

And so you took his plan to Bartlett
Liquors?

It's the kind of account I've wanted to
land for over two years.

I staked the whole year's operating
capital.

Anyway, Paul had always had a... He'd
always thought of me as... He was in

love with you.

Call me zany and intuitive.

The night before the contest, he asked
me to marry him.

I said no.

He got furious and disappeared.

And now I'm supposed to go on TV and
verify the winner.

So, everybody finds the case, brings it
in, you pay them off.

I can't, Rick.

When I got to work yesterday, two men
had broken into my office.

AJ wasn't kidding.

Two guys with pituitary problems.

Right. Look at this.

This is the way the content works.

Paul Woolrich.

Jigsaw cut one of these pictures into
three pieces.

Now, one edge piece he gave to Triple I.
The other edge he gave to me. The

middle piece is buried inside the hidden
crate. It marks the real winner.

Oh, so Joe Public can't just go out and
get himself any old box of Cucaracha

coolers, come in and claim the prize
money. His piece has got to match yours

Triple I's.

Right. Except mine was stolen, Rick.

I can't verify the winner.

No prize, no contest.

No contest.

No more McGovern Enterprises.

Uh, maybe I should explain a little bit
about my brother.

Oh, I've been playing the games a long
time, son.

Box tops when I was a little girl,
spelling bees.

Then came Las Vegas.

Lotteries, bingo, football cards,

publisher's sweepstakes, then game
shows.

Any idea what the odds are against you
in this game?

Uh, no, I don't.

Never play a game without knowing the
odds.

But that brother of yours, he's got an
air about him.

Yes,

a lot of people say that about him. It
worries me.

He's the kind that could back right into
this thing.

I've seen his type before.

Don't let this get back to us, but A .J.
Simon is probably the best detective in

San Diego.

Maybe the whole state.

If anybody can save your company, it's
him, not me.

Rick, I need you both. Look, my
secretary's about to have a baby.

I promised a job to my sister's kid. My
employees are like family to me, Rick.

If I ever need an ad campaign, I know
who I'm going to call.

Look, A .J. is probably already
reconstructing your picture.

And maybe I'll get lucky and find it
when he puts it back in a case.

Then who knows?

You like Acapulco?

AJ? You in there?

AJ?

AJ?

Who did this?

I don't know.

I was at the ghost town looking for the
case.

I was looking into a cellar and somebody
pushed me down the

stairs.

No.

Rick,

how many times do you and I get mauled
on the same day?

Somebody's taking this contest awfully
seriously.

Yeah, you got that right.

Remember Billy Brummel?

Billy Brummel was a subhuman monster.

What made you bring him up?

Well, you remember when he made fun of
you for wearing the coon skin cap in the

Miss Dayton's class to fourth grade?

I remember it vividly.

You laughed. You thought it was funny.

Yeah, I...

Dead until he started pushing you
around. Remember what I did then?

As I remember, you called him a weasel
-faced moron, and then he beat you up

made you wear the Koonski cap. Well,
forget about that part. The important

is that when the chips were down, when
the shinola hit the fan, when the

going got rough...

Where do we start?

Well, first you're going to have to
clean up the floor.

Then...

Senors

and senoritas, juniors and junioritas,
come one and all.

Cucaracha Coolers presents our latest
clue.

Are you ready?

The place for the end of the week, I
would say, is the place where you'll

non -diabolo.

Place for the end of the week.

Well, this is the biggest draw for the
weekend.

Well, sure, but what about the other
clues?

It doesn't creak and wobble, and it's
not the end of any line. This place is?

Well, I hope so.

I'm running out of possibilities. Pull
in here.

See? End of the line for these creaky
old wobbly things, don't you think?

Not bad, Rick. Hey.

You know what I woke up thinking about?

What?

What if, for some reason, somehow, you
and I had to break up the team, go to

work in someone else's office?

You woke up thinking about Shannon?

No.

Well, I have to admit, I can't feed you
taking orders from some three -martini

bozo. Neither can I.

Neither can Shannon.

That's why we've got to help her.

Okay.

That way.

It's awfully quiet.

Anything bothering you?

Well,

yeah, kind of.

You know what scares me?

Now everybody's going to be drinking Don
Diablo.

It used to be unique, kind of exclusive.

Now it's going to be trendy.

Well, you can always get into low
-impact aerobics and tofu.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look at that.

You don't suppose that could... Nah.

Couldn't be.

No.

You get the plate? No, not even a
partial. It's too far gone.

Same van, though, no doubt about that.

We're going to have to tell town.

This is getting ridiculous. This is all
over just a stupid box of... Box!

Excuse me, folks.

We found that first.

Bull, that's you, didn't you?

You fellas going to use those?

No. No, of course we're not. Someone was
shooting at us. You're not going to

take our box away from us. Just look at
you. You're young.

You've got on nice clothes.

You've got a lot of earning years ahead.

We need this.

Who?

I'll give you all you want. It doesn't
matter.

I swept this park at dawn.

That is booze.

Unless you're like 30 white margaritas.
Don't thought this was tricky.

Paul Woolrich got Shannon in this mess.
We should have come here right away. She

did say 2B, didn't she? 2A. Oh, 2B. I
remember just thinking... 2A. Rick,

going to bust in on some family eating
dinner. Rick!

Well, I bet you Agnes isn't stumped for
places to look.

Well, until we find some more clues, we
are.

Gene!

Step right up!

Look at this.

Shannon said he was a little off
-center.

Off -center?

Over the edge is more like it.

Looks pretty lived in, though.

If the guy did leave, he was planning on
coming back.

Either of you moves an inch and you die.

I told you we should have gone to 2A.
Shut up. Over to the wall. Put your

up on it.

Would it make any difference if we told
you that our friends in the police

department were on their way over here
even as we speak?

Not to me, because the police are
already here.

You two are under arrest.

For what? For murder.

Whose murder?

Paul Woolrich's.

Where were you last night when we got
booked?

You know, the guy who touched my mugshot
actually said, say, cheese.

Guy's entitled an evening with his lady,
isn't he?

Detective Albert said you two guys were
very quiet about Paul Woolrich.

Well, I was about a client down in
confidential privileged information.

I'll give you some privileged
information.

Woolrich was found sitting in his car at
the airport with a bullet hole between

his eyebrows, three days dead.

All right.

I guess we know for sure he's not the
one who was shooting at us.

Brilliant deduction.

Is this his stuff?

Yeah, it just came up. I'm going to have
the lab guy go over it.

I'm the lab guy. Wait a minute now.

Can we just take a little look? You're
not supposed to be doing this. This is a

police property. We know that.

We know that.

You have to cut it.

It's a data disk.

Great, let me have it.

Could we... Could we just have this for
an hour? We will trade you a full

statement. Come on, town, you're a great
guy. You know that? Isn't he a swell

guy? Oh, yeah, principal fellow.

Where are you going to find a machine to
run that by?

Can we just use your phone just for a
minute?

Oh, sure.

Principal fellow.

I can't believe he's really dead.

I don't know, this has all gotten so
crazy.

Maybe if I had... No, Paul's death
wasn't your fault.

You don't give up either.

I think we've got the answer right here,
okay?

Okay.

Here you go.

in there about missing case, contest,
Don Diablo?

There's one labeled DDPC.

DD could be Don Diablo.

Ole.

Looks like some rough drafts of the
early clues.

Vaqueros were skilled with the horse and
the lasso. I think Don Diablo's a big

factor. Uh, we don't know.

Hey, how about this one?

Cucarache coolers sing the bells and the
criers.

A gift to you gringos from Mexican
friars.

Oh, I... Listen, it's vaqueros, friars,

bells.

Sounds like a bad spaghetti western.

It sounds like the San Diego Mission.

Hey, wait a minute. It is awfully old.

Yeah, right.

Creek and Wall Below.

Right. Well, what about the place where
the end of the... Oh, Lord, it's church

on Sunday.

Oh.

The clue talked about bells and priors.

Where the clay meets the sky.

Where the clay meets the tower.

Come on. Our clue's on the air in ten
minutes, and if we're right, this place

going to be crawling with treasure
hunters in no time.

Oh, careful, it's heavy. Yeah.

All right.

Congratulations.

All right.

All right, did you bring those scissors
and the other picture?

Lady, you are now out of the woods.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that I could have had it.

A hundred thousand smackers sitting
right here and I could...

Come on.

I am getting real tired of these guys.

What the devil's going on here?

It must be morning, Matt.

I must, I must.

Peace be with you, dear brother.

All right, let's hear it.

All of it.

Once upon a time.

I'm surprised you're interested, Ms.

Hill. Don't you work for that other
station?

News is news, and this contest is news,
Mr. Bartlett.

Are you sure the winner will show up?

Oh, yes, that last clue was the ringer,
Ms.

Hill. But we do have one slight problem.

The lady who's responsible for this wing
ding isn't here to verify it. Yes, she

is. Right here.

Ready when you are, Mr. Bartlett.

It's like we have a winner.

Oh, no way. We have to verify this
first.

Here, come here.

Let's do that.

Well, and where's yours, little lady?

It's a match.

We have a winner.

Didn't think you were ever going to have
to part for that hundred grand, did

you?

I don't know what you mean.

Say, congratulations.

I'll lay off the bull, Bartlett.

Your check's no good. You've deported
the entire city of San Diego. We know

truth, Ned.

When you got the Don Diablo franchise,
you took out almost a million dollars in

loans from three different banks.

You wanted to go national, so you
commissioned this contest.

But you overextended.

Spent it before you earned it, didn't
you?

And when you couldn't honor the $100
,000 prize, you decided to cover your

and make it look like my fault, didn't
you?

So you bought off Paul Woolrich.

Only killing him was cheaper and safer
than paying him off.

So you hired Jefferson Logan to make
sure that Shannon here didn't get things

back on track, which is where we came
in.

Crazy.

You'll never prove a word of it.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure of that.

It's going to take me all day just to
read the charges against you. Here,

you deserve this. I'm sorry you can't
cash it. Well, at least the good name of

Don Diablo is still untarnished.

Rick and AJ, can I have an interview
with the heroes?

Oh, certainly.