Original subtitles

Trevor! I must have dropped off.

Go back to sleep, Joan.

I'm... I'm sure you're tired of hearing this, but... I love you,

Trevor.

I love you, too.

Joan, I need another 50 ,000.

There's some loose ends.

After all that money I put up for the deposit.

That was for the finder's fee and expenses.

We need the deposit now, or else we'll lose all the money that they spent on

property. I sold my stock for this.

And what if the whole thing is a fraud?

Joan, if you think I'm that dumb... Oh, don't.

You're the only thing I care about.

She thinks I'm being swindled.

Can you believe it?

What's she going to do about it?

I told her I had some papers. She wants her lawyer to look at them.

We can't fool a lawyer with forgeries.

How could you tell her that?

It bought us the weekend.

But that means we have to handle it by Monday.

You know, there's this guy I still have a score to settle with.

He'd be perfect to take the heat off us.

Hey, I hope I'm hallucinating. I thought I just saw a kid walking away with Bud.

Who's Bud?

Bud, my lucky spider.

Bud's luck just ran out.

Just because I saw that stupid picture.

A 19th century etching of Andrew Jackson is not just a stupid picture, and it's

not exactly Mr. Gorman's toaster, which you also sold.

This, this is Andrew Jackson. What you had was a picture of an old drunk in a

fireman's uniform.

Excuse me. What? What are you asking for this book?

I don't know. How much do you like this? That actually is a mistake. It's not

supposed to be out here, Mr. Peel. Rick, this is the author of the book,

Marshall Peel. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.

I just wondered what they were going for these days.

I've been reading your books and articles for years now.

So you're the one.

Oh, yeah, you're the guy that writes about Southern California careers and

that. It's more than just that, Rick. I mean, it's participatory journalism.

Before he wrote about the orchestra, he conducted it. I almost got killed doing

that. But you're right.

I don't write about anything without trying it myself first.

And before I write about private detectives, I'd like to be one.

I'll pay your normal rates, and it's just for a week.

Excuse us a minute.

Just per week, he's going to pay us our normal rate. What could we possibly

lose? Our reputations, for one thing. You want people to think we're running

of those private high schools, give us your money and we'll send you at the

of ring?

No, let's go for it.

All right, but I don't like it.

Okay,

but look, understand, being a private detective is not just putting on some

shoulder pads or getting into a costume and cavorting around in front of a

friendly audience, you know? I once lost a territorial dispute to a 300 -pound

tackle. Though it's not usually dangerous, either. No, most of the time

just boring. I mean, it's sitting in a parked car, an eight -hour shift.

I heard you were the best.

That's what the best do?

I'm willing to do it.

Journal entry, Monday.

The three largest detective agencies in San Diego have turned me down.

All I could find was a pair of brothers who work out of a loft in the Gaslamp

District. I'm ready for a week of keyhole peeping and stolen auto parts.

I thought that stuff was no longer with us.

Didn't sell.

Come in.

Sorry I'm late. My publisher forgot to tell me you moved your office.

I hope you didn't have any trouble finding us. No, I didn't. Left his

at 915, went to the Donut Hacienda. You followed me.

Yeah. That's the first habit you have to break, seeing only those things that

you expect to see.

Learn to notice the things that don't fit.

He just went into Simon & Simon Investigations.

Then you better find someone else. No, this is perfect.

Those detectives will be a big help to us.

Are you being practical, or is it that article he wrote?

Both.

up, you're dead.

The tumbler plug won't rotate until you've got the pins in line.

You just rake the tension bar with the pick.

This is hard to do in the dark.

It's not the sort of thing you do during the day. Let's try it again.

Again. What'd you do with the little flashlight I gave you?

You just hold it in your mouth and you can work with both hands.

It's amazing how the skills they taught me are similar to the skills of

criminals.

The big difference between a detective and a criminal is that one of them comes

to the police station in his own car.

Morning. Mike.

All right, where do you want to start? Corner domestic, assisted or unassisted,

with gunplay or without, singles or groups?

Groups. We'll start with an easy one.

To those outside of law enforcement, it might seem strange, but I was once

disguised as a red overstuffed sofa.

You get the suspect to assume the position.

Come on, Lieutenant. Lieutenant Brown, a friend of Rick and AJ's, is an expert

at arresting people.

Okay. Criskin.

Ah!

Stepped in front of the gun. Next move, you get shot.

Okay.

You hold the gun.

This pup could be loaded.

Okay.

How's that?

Not bad.

However, one minor detail.

Nixon, these things are illegal.

I'm a cop.

Simon, Simon, investigations.

Yes?

What?

Could you hold on just a moment, please?

Rick, I thought we agreed never to do another repo on a hearse.

This is just bad luck, A .J.

Rick?

Yeah.

Yes.

We'll be right over.

Listen, Marshall, you're getting real good at this and everything, but I think

maybe you'll want to just, you know, sit this one out. I've always wanted to

repossess a car.

Not this car, Marshall. Trust me.

Rick?

Like those books where the detective gets the girl.

There is no girl.

I was alone in the office. It was a bleak, foggy night.

No, that's no good.

It was another sultry afternoon in San Diego.

The sun was hot and bright and merciless.

Then she walked in.

Mr. Simon?

I need your help right away.

I'm not Mr. Simon. My name is Peele.

I'm an associate of the firm.

It's my mother. She's disappeared.

Please, don't cry. Let me take your name and your mother's name.

Mary McKenzie.

My mother's name is Joan.

I haven't seen her for two days.

Just calm down.

When and where was she last seen? Two days ago, at her house.

I've been calling and calling, but there hasn't been any answer.

I have a terrible feeling about this.

I think it best that we call the police. I did, but they won't get involved

until it's too late.

Please. I'm so frightened.

Well, frankly, I'm not a detective.

You mean you won't help me?

I just don't know what I can do.

Just go with me to her house.

It's not much to ask.

Please.

I just know something's happened to her. Relax. Most missing persons show up on

their own.

But it's worth a thorough check anyway.

Oh, no. I can't find the key.

Not to worry.

Excuse me.

To Joan with love, from me.

Miss McKenzie?

Miss McKenzie?

Miss McKenzie?

Miss McKenzie?

You check around back.

We'll take a look up there.

Still no answer.

Forget it, AJ. Guy's not serious.

You guys really know how to pick them.

Okay, I'm up for 20 questions. Animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Perpetrator. A wealthy widow, Joan McKenzie, was murdered today in La

Peel left everything but a confession.

Peel? Yeah.

That's nuts.

The lady was strangled with a towel from the Villa Erotica.

We know that Peele did some research there.

Uh, correct in the assumption that this is not an Italian restaurant?

A private club.

Social club?

Very social. They believe the best things in life are kinky.

How hard are you looking for him? Well, we don't want to ruin his reputation, so

we're keeping it quiet for now. But if he doesn't turn himself in soon, he's

going to be very much in demand.

Because of a towel?

Come on, town.

His fingerprints were all over the place, especially on the lock he picked.

Now, I've warned you, too.

You don't want people to think you're running a black bag school here.

I don't believe it.

He's not the type.

You and I know there is no type.

Well, we better start checking it out. Come on down, show us what you got.

Things stinks out loud.

For once, things can be as bad as they look, you know.

The police have already gotten to Rick and AJ.

I'm on my own.

The towel.

Either Joan McKenzie was here or the murderer was. But I'll settle for the

that set me up.

If you have trouble connecting the right name with the right face, at Villa

Erotica, you might be interested in this afternoon's seminar on sharpening your

memory. Remember to sign up in advance.

Hi. Excuse me, I'm looking for the manager. Can you help me?

That's a help.

Here at the Villa Erotica, we don't need to be managed.

Just introduced.

Jake is our master of ceremonies.

Well, that would be great.

To meet Jake, I mean.

Right through the door, just before the group encounter area.

Thank you.

Horst?

Horst?

This way.

Ambrosia.

All right, send them in.

Thank you, Ambrosia. Thank you, Ambrosia.

Welcome to the Villa Erotica, gentlemen.

I'm afraid Ambrosia forgot to announce you, or are you interested in our

anonymous memberships? No way, Jake. How do you do? I'm Bob Bakersfield, and

this man obviously needs no introduction.

Or perhaps he does. Let me introduce Horst Der Spiegel, monsieur

Fitness expert and the first European to experiment with glandular body

products. We have all the messieurs we need.

You don't seem to understand, Jake. Now, although we do not accept endorsements,

we are willing to expand the distribution of our exclusive line of

products. This is a private consortium dedicated to psychosocial fulfillment.

Horst would like you to explain.

A country club for people that don't play golf, Worst.

Horse, Schweinhund.

Ah, well, we would like to do you and your club a favor. Now, Jake, just close

your eyes and allow Horst here to introduce you to a product that will

your socks off.

That's luscious. What is it?

Luscious? What does luscious mean? It's good. This is Horst's latest innovation,

aerobic musk. Now, Jake, we make no claims about healing powers. You

that. What's your proposition?

We will send absolutely free and at no obligation a complete selection of our

health products to all your members.

Our membership list is private.

You will also receive a complete line of our innovative and imaginative health

aids for your establishment.

Plus discounts on future purchases.

This includes a rebate.

Rebate? All right, a kickback, 5%. A lot of people want our mailing list.

You don't seem to understand, Jake. These are very special health products.

Horst here is over 60 years old. This man represented the fatherland in the 36

Olympics. All right, 10%. I'll get Ambrosia to make you a coffee. Thank

Jake.

I'll be right back.

Try and keep Jake busy. You get a look at the books.

Well, membership records should do it. I mean, it's members only. You pay

monthly.

How do you know that?

I just happened to read Marshall's article on the place, that's all.

Just out of curiosity, did you happen to read any of the other articles? Not

yet. I haven't had time.

It'll be a few minutes. You can go over to one of the other buildings.

Ah, lovely.

How's my McGinn?

Horace here was wondering what your facilities are like.

Well, I'd be happy to show him around and get your ideas.

Well, you two go ahead. Horst is, after all, the expert. I'll just stay here and

wait for Ambrosia.

Oh, you're a sly dog, Bob, but she's heard it all.

Down there is the massage area.

Rubdowns.

Massage.

I'd better get your pal to translate.

Uh -huh.

Massage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go.

Massage. Wonderful.

You can't go down there. That's price.

Uh -huh.

Massage.

Hey, cut that out.

That feels weird. What are you doing?

This is horse to Spiegel. He gives the very best massage in the world.

Massage? I'm paying 800 bucks a month for a massage?

When you invite guests, please be sure to register them at the main office.

At Villa Erotica, you can have refreshments delivered to you at any

pick up the nearest white courtesy phone.

Ah, thank you, Ambrosia.

Listen, I was just wondering if perhaps you would... No, no, no, I just work

here. Won't you take a hike, Romeo?

Yeah, San Diego Police Department, please.

Emergency line.

Yeah, I've just seen Marshall Peel.

The man you called about.

Well, he's at the Villa Erotica.

In the parking lot, there are four Washington, D .C. plates out there. Do

know, this place has got nude beach, hot tub rooms. Any sign of the police? None

that are on duty.

Horse. Oh, horse.

Woo.

Just don't ask, all right?

I'd kind of like to check around a little bit more. Okay, good for you.

meet you in the car.

Fine, but...

That must be him.

Why are you running? Because they're chasing me. Oh.

Rick and A .J. told me to notice what doesn't fit.

Okay. Joan McKenzie was never here.

She wasn't big enough to strangle anyone with a towel, so it's a man, and he

knew John McKenzie, and he must know me.

Rick and AJ also taught me that you never draw attention to yourself.

Take your time.

Obey traffic law.

and your brakes don't work, at least scream.

There

you

go. Thank you.

Welcome.

There was...

There was resistance from some surprising places, but the warrant for

Erotica came through. If you want a sneak preview, there it is. That is a

different Cecilia Simon. I know that.

Yeah, and Joan McKenzie's never been to the place.

Okay, here's one for you.

Marshal Peel was seen on the premises yesterday by someone named Ambrosia

Kowalski.

Has anybody actually ever seen Peel with Joan McKenzie?

No. If they were having an affair, they were quiet until the end.

The thing that really makes this bad, guys, is that he hasn't turned himself

Yeah, but he took a big chance going back to the sex farm.

I mean, if he's guilty, what'd he go there for, to get another towel?

I'm going to make a copy of this list.

I'll take your mother's name off of it. That's a different Cecilia Simon.

Of course it is.

He's not running. Nope.

Not turning himself in.

He's trying to find the killer on his own.

Must have been him in Jake's office yesterday.

I was within five feet of the guy.

Well, he knows John McKenzie was never there.

Yeah. Who is he looking for?

A person who would like to see him take the fall for a murder.

The only place we can look has been his life.

Only his life is being other people.

I tell you, I never knew the guy wrote so much.

So far, I got him playing with the Chargers, being a sushi chef, fighting

bulls, and working as a hairstylist.

Well, I've got him training for the space shuttle, designing sports cars,

conducting the Philharmonic, playing for the Dodgers, spring training, working

as a stand -up comedian.

Well, he already knows everything he's done, so he's going to have a big head

start on us.

Okay, well, where do you want to start?

Okay.

A guy who said he was from the IRS spent the morning going over their old

reservation lists.

Got me. We're closing out.

Okay, I got some of this for you, by the way. Hope you fell.

No, I don't eat food with faces.

Maybe baseball is the connection.

Joan McKenzie could have been in Florida last spring when I was at the Dodgers

training camp, but how am I supposed to remember all of my fans or each book I

ever autographed?

Look at that jerk.

How does a guy like that avoid the cops for three days?

Can't we make another anonymous call?

We did it at the house.

One more time, they'd know it's a frame.

What about the detectives?

You said we could use them.

Holmes and Watson?

They get a bad case of the slows.

They had their chance at Villa Erotica.

Are we going to kill him?

No. He's going to kill himself.

Come on. We've got to track this guy a little longer.

What is this, a painting?

I'm telling you, I get no respect. I don't need this. I used to open for

in Vegas.

I'll never forget one thing he said to me. He said, Jackie, get out of the way.

Did you hear about my girlfriend?

Boy, is she fat.

How fat is she? She is so fat, she's got turn signals on her jeans.

Guy goes to his doctor.

Doctor says, well, we've got the test results back. I've got bad news and

bad news. The bad news is you've got 24 hours to live.

The really bad news is I've been trying to call you for two days.

So what do you think? What do you think of my kid, Jackie?

Kid? What did he do, bring his grandson?

Come on, what do you think, huh?

You think he's ready for the holiday house to put down boy?

Yeah, sure, it's probably ready for him. It burned down a couple of years ago.

No, not that one.

I'm talking about the big new one they built across the river, huh?

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef.

Get it?

Lean beef.

You can level.

What do you think? I think that you might break even on him if he doesn't

lot.

Okay.

Okay. I got some other talent you like.

I got a... Oh, I just remembered.

You know one of my kids?

Marshall Peale. Yeah, he got his start right here a couple months ago.

You mean he decided to do this for a living? Yeah.

No wonder he was hanging around here today.

Two elephants are sitting in a tree.

All of a sudden, a cow flies by. They ignore it. Why make a big deal of it?

Then another cow flies by, and then another, and then another one. Finally,

elephant turns to the other and says, there must be a nest.

He doesn't need an agent. He needs a bodyguard.

Who? Marshall or Jackie?

Take your pick. They both stink.

As a matter of fact, I got Marshall booked three nights next week.

That's funny.

You mentioned that.

Yeah, well, that's because I haven't been able to reach him on the phone.

Did he say anything to you about where he was going when he left here?

What am I?

My brother's keeper?

Guy falls out of a third -story window. A cop walks up to him and says, hey,

buddy, what happened?

Guy says, I don't know. I just got here.

Swing at that, son.

Keep your eye on the ball.

You've got to believe there's no pitcher alive.

and get you out.

Nice swing, son.

Nice little swing.

Of course, it must have looked like the full moon floating up there.

Mr. Lasorda?

I want to see some smoke, son. Blow that ball by him.

Tommy. Hi.

He's Rick Simon. Rick Simon. This is my brother, AJ. We're private investigators

from San Diego.

Padre fans, huh?

Yeah, well, somebody's got to do it.

Actually, we were here to talk to you about Marshall Peel.

Oh, yeah, that writer.

Good pencil, but no glove. What about him?

You seen him lately?

As a matter of fact, somebody said they saw him around here yesterday.

That's it, son. Keep the ball down.

Do you know who he talked to? Yeah, a couple of scouts who were here looking

over the talent.

What's this all about? Is Peel in trouble?

He was trying to play out Peel for you, right?

Well, he's trying to be a detective for us.

I can see your problem.

You know, last spring...

He lost a grounder in the sun.

Well, thank you very much for your time. Tommy, I think this guy's got a little

problem with his release. Oh, jeez. Rick. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could hit him.

Even A .J. could hit him. Think so? Yeah.

See those bats?

Get one.

Let's see what you can do.

Move over. We got another Ted Williams.

Hey, hot shot. Try to hit it with the big end of the bat.

has to be it.

Joan McKenzie could pay a quarter of a million for a car.

If she bought one while I worked here, then maybe the killer was around to see

it.

Each car handmade like a piece of jewelry, made to order, made for

Martin, Manning, McCafferty, McAuliffe, McDougal, McMahon, McNelson.

It's got to be here someplace.

Where is it?

You. I'm sorry I ran away.

I'm so upset and frightened.

Who are you? Why did you do this to me?

marshal what are you a deranged fan it's where they bake the paint on the cars

isn't it just like an oven certainly is have you found the gun

yes it's loaded all

right now i'm armed to the teeth but i'm in an empty room with nothing to shoot

it you'll think of something

Hi, town.

A .J., where have you guys been? They found your friend's rented car about an

hour ago.

Where was it?

Can you meet us there?

No, no, I can't. I got something going down here in about ten minutes. I'll

to talk to you later, okay?

Yeah. Bye.

All right, you clowns.

Now, remember, no one enters the tent until the tear gas has had a chance to

work. Is that clear?

Let's go, Nick.

What if he doesn't pull the trigger?

Who cares? It'll be an accident instead of a suicide.

Rick yeah drawers been forced

There's

no McKenzie on the billing list

I'm telling you, I don't know the woman.

Well, whoever framed you knew exactly where you and Mrs. McKenzie crossed

I've got your donuts right here. All right.

You guys do any good? No.

All right, let's get this credit report.

Beginning with personals.

Mm -hmm.

Mm, good donut.

Well, I have no personal life, just my job.

Okay.

Organizations? The Sierra Club and the Audubon Society.

No. Nothing here.

Vacations from last year?

None. These maple ones are my favorite.

I don't like that.

Did you ever visit a dentist named Evanston?

No. First week of August, he was with San Diego Chargers.

August, August, August.

She's in the Bahamas.

Anybody want that last peanut butter one?

Go for it. Couldn't you fellas just help me disappear with a new identity?

This is murder, Marshall.

It's a felony.

I never stop looking.

Okay, before the San Diego charges, worked as a hairstylist.

It's not a salon.

Gerard, Gerard.

Before that, I was... Save it.

We got a match.

Don't worry, Mom.

Marshall did a great Gerard, Gerard imitation on the phone. It's all set.

And what if the real Gerard happens to show up? He's in France, celebrating

Bastille Day.

Just remember what Bastille Day is all about.

Prisons.

Hello. Can I help you?

This is Simone and Tiguerre for their appointment with Richard.

Richard.

I don't believe we have a Richard.

Perhaps at one of the other... The appointment was made over a month ago.

Here? Of course not. In Paris.

Gerard promised that he would have... Oh, Mrs.

Simone, I am so sorry, but I had turbulence over Hong Kong and then again

Honolulu. Oh, I often wonder about those airplanes.

Oh, no, the flight was fine. I had the turbulence.

Oh, I'm all over that now, and I'm ready to go to work.

You promised that you would come with me, Trevor.

Now what's going on that's more important?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Bradley, but I'm loaded down with appointments that day.

Break your other appointments, Mr. Bath.

I'm afraid I can't do that, Mrs. Bradley.

Tika, good dog.

Good dog.

Sorry.

Tika doesn't like shampoo.

Mrs. Bradley, why don't you step over here for a manicure?

Let's see. Nails, nails, right over here.

Right here, dear. Thank you.

What have you got? What have you got so far?

Nothing. The only thing that's weird around here is you.

Nicole, the two detectives are here.

That's right.

Now try to get to all three banks and don't forget the safe deposit boxes.

Don't worry.

I know them.

They don't know me.

What about Joan McKenzie?

She was his regular client.

That's great.

That's wonderful. Thank you.

Look, can you take Tiger back to Carlos?

It's Rick. And we're over at Gerard Gerard's. Get over here. We'll meet you

the background.

Right.

Ah, good.

Got the article. Right here.

Okay.

That's... I wondered why such adult was

the favorite of the ladies.

But as Tarzan proved for all time, a five -word vocabulary is no drawback

you have a flat stomach and a great deal of hair.

I've always thought that myself.

You actually said that about him?

That's why I write. Why should he be any different?

Because he's vengeful.

You aware that Joan McKenzie was one of his regular clients?

You're saying he framed me because I insulted him in a magazine article?

Well, a little insult, a lot of injury.

If you were getting money from these women, you may have blown it for him.

you'd make a great ball guy.

I just don't think this klutz has the imagination to do this to me.

Well, that's one way to find out. See if he leads us to the girl. Wait, you're

still just a little wet.

Well, you're wet.

Roger.

Roger, get the roll.

That's her, Rick. That's the girl who tried to kill me.

Are you sure about that?

Absolutely. I've got a very good memory for that sort of thing.

The box has been in the bank. I've got everything in the car. What do you have

to pack up?

Party's over, Mr. Bass.

Go to the police. Hold it.

How many times do we have to tell you?

Over and over and over again, we told you. Never, never, never step in front

a gun. It's just stupid.

It's okay, folks. Everything's under control. Okay, Marshall, now call the

police. Not in front of the gun.

Don't move around.

In my time with Rick and A .J., I made a few minor mistakes.

But I learned they had something they couldn't teach anyone.

Instinct and insight about people.

Well, thank you, Marshall.

That's very nice.

That's very nice.

Minor mistakes?

I would hardly call your mistakes minor.

We'll meet

you downstairs in the bar.

Mr.

Simon, I need your help right away and I was just... I'm not Mr. Simon. My name

is Peel.

Marshall Peel.

But I'm an associate of the firm.

How can I help you?