Original subtitles

Uh, Mom, that's a big enchilada, and don't you worry, we're gonna give you a

nice big bite of it. Tonight, on Simon and Simon... Everything's unusual about

this case. It's some kind of massive fraud.

How would you like for me to personally stick this business card right in your

back pocket? Why are you in drag?

The term is undercover.

Now, what does it mean? I mean, are we talking about murder by air

Brakes are dead. Engine's out. No back compression with freewheeling. Thanks

the rundown.

I said we would probably find a garage. I don't know this part of the world,

Carla. Then what are we doing in this part of the world, David?

David and I wanted to spend a weekend at an exotic primitive beach resort,

Mother.

We're happy you decided to join us, but it is our vacation.

We'll just all have to make the best of it.

Wonderful.

Mother? Mother?

Dave, pull over.

Mom?

Mother?

Dave, hurry, please.

Dave, what is it?

I think it's her heart.

Let's get her out.

It must have been the heat.

It's the heat.

What's the word?

No, I don't know.

Come on, come on.

I don't understand what you're saying. Just follow me. I parked it right around

the corner. It's right here. I parked it.

What the?

Oh, no.

I parked it right here.

Oh, God.

It's gone. It was right here.

And that was almost two months ago.

Incredible.

What do you hear for the Mexican authorities?

They haven't been very cooperative.

Oh, yeah, they have, Dave, but it's a big desert. You know, the car could be

anywhere.

Thank you.

Your mother looks too young to have died of a heart attack.

She's my stepmother, actually.

When my dad died last year, Carla took out a big insurance policy on herself

made Dave and me beneficiaries.

How big?

$800 ,000.

$800 ,000?

Why so much?

It was for the business.

Marie's father ran a small factory.

Things have been going downhill for quite some time. With Carla gone, the

business will definitely fold. Insurance money will help pay off some of the

debts. Including back salaries.

Yeah, but without... Pardon my saying this, but...

Without the body, they won't pay off.

At least not for a good number of years.

Um, you know, you folks know how slim the odds are.

We know it's a long shot, and that's why we'd like to pay a flat rate, 15 % of

the insurance money if you're successful.

That's over $100 ,000.

It's $120 ,000 to be exact.

Finally found a map of northern Mexico.

You've dissected our phone answering machine.

Yeah, you wouldn't believe that.

Remember a little missing the first word on a lot of our messages. Just because

your new friend Mindy does not have the intellectual capacity to wait for the

beat. At least I have women who leave me messages. I can't remember the last

time I heard good old Liz's voice asking you to give her a call, please.

Liz and I have had a minor disagreement. That is all.

Inspector of marriage, raise its ugly little head again.

What's so ugly about marriage?

Which side of this little disagreement were you on, anyway?

Look, I just want the phone to work so we can both get our messages while we're

in Mexico. I don't know, A .J. Just have him think about it. We might wind up

with nothing more than a mouthful of desert sand on this one.

Yeah, well, maybe we'll get lucky.

I hope so. I'd like to see the plan.

Well, I figure a 50 -mile radius tops.

I mean, you just don't go driving through the desert with a body in the

for more than 50 miles. I mean, it just isn't done.

Now, there's only one hardtop road down here.

Yeah, but that whole area is crisscrossed with little ruts and trails

arroyos. Cash in on disputed claims.

Uh, just a second, Thatcher. Now, wait a minute. I know you're the kind of guys

who'd suck blood for a buck, but you gotta drop out of this one, cowboy.

Mr. Thatcher, how would you like for me to personally stick this business card

right in your back pocket?

That's exactly what I need.

I love to file charges.

It isn't unusual for PIs to be hired by the claimant.

Everything's unusual about this case. There's some kind of massive fraud.

I've been a Morgan case.

You just might wind up as accomplices.

Like I said, I love to file charges.

They make you take off your hat in court, cowboy.

Oh, listen.

You ever wonder why the mutual fidelity symbol is an eagle? No. Gee, no.

Well, you ought to.

Because it just might swoop down and pluck out those private eyes of yours.

Just point me to Mexico.

What,

Coke?

Where's the water?

Who needs water when you have gold?

Look here, senora. A dying bambolero gave it to my great -grandfather over 60

years ago.

We'll split 50 -50 when you find the gold, okay? You're just paying $20 for

map. Sorry, no time for gold this trip, amigo.

Silver? Uranium? I know, we're looking for something more along the lines of a

car. I know where you can get the best deal in town.

Completely legal.

How about something not quite so legal?

Silver Mercedes stolen here about, oh, three months ago, huh?

Roberto!

Buenos dias, senor. Buenos dias. Bienvenidos al campo.

Yo soy Hector Rivera, el alcalde de este pueblo.

Ah, mucho gusto. Rick Simon?

My brother, AJ?

El chamaco no sabe nada.

The car with the dead senora.

No está aquí.

He buscado donde quiera. No se encuentra.

What's that?

He says it's not here. Look everywhere.

The whole area?

Ah, muchas gracias.

Si, senor.

Bye -bye. Si, senor.

Mm -hmm.

There are ways of learning things that the Alcalde does not know.

Such as?

Does the car have anything of value inside?

I had the woman's luggage, jewelry, rings.

Ah, then come with me. Do you have money? After we see results of me doing

Come on, then.

of new shock absorbers. These are brand new.

Just be kidding.

What'd you do? Buy them from Carlos?

You bought shock absorbers from Carlos? As it happens, Carlos cornered the

market and I'm carrying shock absorbers and I got a great deal on these. Well,

that's wonderful.

Not too soon, either.

I think he can help you, but it will cost us $20.

It's the

description

the bindings gave us.

Roberto, find out who sold it.

And you have no more worry about your burro shock absorbers. Okay.

How much further is this going to be? My ass isn't going to make it.

Well, the burro's tired.

It's just up ahead, senor.

Don't worry about your burro.

Los alfaneques.

The buzzards.

So they will not come for the body and show that it is here.

There's a certain amount of sense.

Well, we're never going to identify her now.

Well, maybe there was a broken bone that was reset or something.

Or maybe... Con cuidado.

Con cuidado.

No lo tires. No lo tires.

Sácalo. Sácalo.

Ajá. Con cuidado.

Con cuidado.

Bueno, bueno.

Muy bien.

Es lo que necesitamos. Es la dentadura. AJ, that bridge work could be worth $120

,000 to us.

Manuel, fotografías para el periódico, por favor. Here we got a little PR work.

Señores, fotografías para el periódico, por favor. Yeah, sure, sure. Anything

you want. Gracias, gracias, gracias.

Gracias.

Otra, otra, otra.

Gracias, señores. Ah, buena. Gracias.

Hey,

Jay, I can already smell Tahiti.

Perfume, tropical nights, tangy -pangy on the trade winds.

Rick? Yeah?

Why do you suppose Roberto made us ride out here on these miserable beasts

and then sent the law out on wheels?

I don't know. We see him, we'll have to ask him.

Oh, nice going, Alina, huh?

You convinced them?

What the... I made the American very hard.

There.

Go ahead.

AJ, they said 10 o 'clock.

Come on, get a move on. Rick, come here, let me fix that.

Fix what? What's wrong?

You never used to laugh when I did this. You used to swear under your breath.

Yeah, it's the Irish sweepstakes. It's money in the mail.

The Grand Casino.

Are you making sense or am I drifting?

Mom, that's the big enchilada. And don't you worry, we're going to give you a

nice big bite of it. Oh, don't promise what's not yours. You haven't been

your enchilada yet. Yeah, but I will be. It's just a formality right now.

And from now on, it is champagne for breakfast for the rest of our lives.

Well, I'd put those bubbles in some long -term CDs. In these financially

uncertain times, they... In your case, it's usually three shots of tequila and

cocktail waitress at a country western bar.

Yeah. Well, I don't like your being so... Look, the Blandings have gotten

over their grief. They have accepted Carla Morgan's death. It is now time to

on with life. With a little money in the bank.

All you've been doing since you got back from Mexico is spending money in your

mind. Mm -hmm.

And A .J. has been brooding, and I'd like to know why.

Well, he's just pining for his lost love.

Liz gave him the old dumperoonie. That's not true. She didn't... Look, I'll tell

you what's bothering me.

It's something that Rick always says.

The one thing you can count on is for people not to be too neat. And I've just

got this uneasy feeling that all our ducks were in too neat a row down in

Mexico. Come on, A .J., we earned our money down there. Now, it's 9 .30. These

people like you to be on time. We're talking court. We're talking about... We

did our job too well.

Too easily. Oh, gee. I mean, 100 ,000 to one odds against our finding the body,

and we did it? 120 ,000 to two.

Us and Mom.

The big enchilada.

Miss Fonda. Mom, you're getting as bad as Rick.

So what's the story on Liz?

Yes,

definitely.

I made this partial for Carla Morgan almost five years ago. And I repaired

portion for her only last month. The repair work is still quite visible.

How can you be certain, Doctor?

And that small piece of metal is sufficient for identification?

Oh, yes. It's definitely the one I made for Carla Morgan.

From this, I'm prepared to make a positive ID.

That's clear enough.

No further questions, Your Honor.

Thank you, Dr. Fielding.

I call Richard Simon to the stand.

And then the Mexican authorities impounded the car and took possession of

Morgan's remains.

And you didn't then, or do you now, have any reason to suspect that the facts

are not as they have been presented?

You could say that.

I'm asking you to say that.

Well, you know, facts, they have a way of speaking for themselves.

Well, I guess the court can take that as a yes.

Dismissed.

My stepmother had always been very clear about her wishes.

She even wrote in her will that she preferred cremation.

So I find the consent, and they're going to send her ashes to us.

The cremation will be done in Mexico?

Yeah, it already has.

Could you be more specific?

Oh, I don't mean the fire.

Once the Mexican police were sure there was no crime involved, they released her

remains to a local mortuary.

I told them to go ahead and do it there. I thought, why not?

All right.

The court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Donald Webster

Please be seated.

Although the cause of Carla Morgan's death has not been determined to a

certainty, The report by the Mexican police, the accounts of Mr.

and Mrs. Blandings, and the fact that the body was ultimately discovered by

licensed private investigators, taken together is a compelling case.

I am inclined to accept Dr.

Fielding's dental identification, and in that Mr. Thatcher, who conducted the

investigation for mutual fidelity, has not...

Well, no hard feelings. I get paid to be offensive.

You're wearing your money.

Not bad for a couple of thanks, but no thanks.

Suit yourself.

Anyway, things turned out right.

The Blandings should be getting their money as soon as we settle all the

of their claim, and you guys should be getting your 15 % soon after, huh?

Well, we certainly hope so.

No hard feelings.

No hard feelings.

Oh, come on, A .J., would you get off it? The insurance company's own man

us no hard feelings. Now, what more do you want?

I want to quit feeling like I've been set up.

Oh, gee, set up for $120 ,000. Big one. Look into this thing a little bit more.

Agreed?

Agreed. All right.

Well?

Happy? No. Yes, ma 'am.

Investigations. At the beep, please leave your name and number. A hundred

decibels shooting through your eardrums is going to get us sued. You know that?

Hey,

wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Listen to the message.

Who is going to sit through that to leave us a message?

Great. Now it's barely audible.

Oh,

the woman.

I think.

I don't know. It could have been Liz. It could have been Indira Gandhi. Who

could tell?

Hey, Towner.

How you doing?

You're not supposed to recognize me. I'm in disguise.

I spent an hour putting this thing together.

This is embarrassing.

Why are you in drag?

The term is undercover.

Look, I'm trying to nab the bag lady beat over at Mission Beach.

Just my shopping cart, plenty of brown bags, drag. The car, Towner. Come on.

Guide. They just towed in from Mexico last night, and officially nobody's

supposed to touch that thing until the Blandings take possession of it. We're

not on a case, and it is their car.

Town,

am I dreaming, or didn't you and I have a conversation just an hour ago where

you promised that we could look at the car?

Timing, right? And you could use the rest? Well, we're going to be doing a

celebration when this is all over. You know, we're going to do kind of a

weekend over in Vegas. Why don't you just kind of tag along with us? You

we'll count you to the Robert Goulet show. It'll be great.

Rick, we haven't got the money yet.

Robert Goulet. Yeah. You're going to bribe me. At least make it interesting.

I'll give you a half an hour. Barry Manilow. 20 minutes.

Wayne Newton. 10 minutes.

I saw the report.

The Mexicans checked it over. Found nothing.

Uh, hey, Jay.

I know you're trying to impress town and everything, but just between you and

me, what are you looking for?

I don't know. Uh -huh.

I just think it's strange that the Blandings would have the car towed all

way back up here and still leaving it in Mexico. I mean, you know, why not just

sell it for scrap?

You could sell it at auction.

Hello. Hello.

Hey, Jay, you didn't say anything about dismantling the car.

Well, you remember that...

You remember the Blannings testified that the air conditioning had been out

about a couple of hours?

Uh -huh.

Well, watch it.

Okay.

AC free on two.

Yep.

This kind of thing happens to cars all the time. Or not.

Okay, let's just sort of pretend that we're talking about sabotage. Now, what

does it mean? I mean, are we talking about murder by air conditioning?

It means that something is rotten in the state of Denmark. That's what it means.

It means that things are not the way they're supposed to be. How do I know

it means?

Town, would you do me a favor and take that and have it checked over by the

Oh, yeah, let the lab boys take this. We wouldn't want to get any fingerprints

on it now, would we?

I'm A .J. Simon. We're here to see Dr. Fielding.

Both of you? Is it about your teeth?

No, it's about Carla Morgan's teeth.

Teeth aren't like fingerprints, you know.

We go by probability.

The odds are two people won't have the same dental history.

At the hearing, you made a positive ID. You weren't giving odds.

Too long to measure.

First of all, you've got all the corroborating evidence.

That's how we start work on, well, say, an airline crash.

Even if all you've got to start on is a melted denture. It's not like anybody in

the world could be on that plane.

You've got a passenger manifest and seat assignments. No, what you're saying is

that it's circumstantial.

Carla Morgan was last seen in that car, dead somewhere in the vicinity, and so

on and so on. No, it's a pattern. This is a copy of the Mexican coroner's

report. It substantiates the basics. Female, certain height, certain build,

one accounted for trauma.

That's all they could tell from the remains.

But the pattern is already starting to indicate her. And the denture proves it?

It narrows the probability.

It matches the teeth she was missing.

I pulled these myself.

Lower left only.

Somewhat unusual.

Enough correlation to her dental history for a guarded ID.

But in this case, we had more.

She needed a precision appliance fitted to her denture.

Not common. This metal peg fitted into the adjacent tooth.

And this bar, called a swing lock. We see this in an extremely small number of

patients.

Taken all together, positive, just like fingerprints.

Uh, Doc, you're losing me a little bit here. Now, you said that dental ID is

probable, not positive.

That's right.

We're talking about Carla Morgan's denture, not her teeth. Her teeth were

in the fire.

I thought the teeth always survived.

Up to about 1 ,200 degrees. The Blanding car fire was 1 ,500, maybe more.

He ID'd it.

The court respects his opinion, and they made the award.

What does that do to your murder theory?

Wish I knew.

I guess we're just going to have to take their money then, huh?

Okay, just for the sake of argument, let's say that Dave and Marie Blanding

murderers. Okay.

Why go to so much trouble? I mean, either you want the body found or you

Well, in this case, you do, because you've got to have the corpse to make

insurance claim.

Right, so why make it so difficult to find? I mean, why fake a car theft, hide

the car in the Sonoran Desert, and then burn it beyond recognition?

I'd cause death.

I don't buy that.

I ain't selling that.

It's too easy to rig an accident or buy a hit.

Be a thousand miles away, not be the only two witnesses.

Yeah, and then take a shot that a couple of guys like us are going to be able to

find the body.

And that a dentist is going to be able to ID his swing lock.

What the hell?

Brakes are dead. Engine's out. No back compression with freewheeling. Thanks

the rundown.

Jay, we're still moving.

Yeah, I know that. Hey, don't rock it. Don't rock it. Come on.

Tell me, tell him.

One, two, three.

Okay. Okay what?

Aren't you going to tell me to put it out? Don't smoke in your office, the

usual? All right, put it out. Don't smoke in my office.

And you get from behind my desk.

Told you to go home about an hour ago.

I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind. I'm just a little interested here.

Come on, Ricky.

Let's just take it easy, all right?

Miles Thatcher. No outstanding warrants, but a bit of a checkered pass.

due to three -year jolt at Attica for willful and malicious destruction of

property. No family, at least not local.

Okay?

The man... Air conditioning line.

Drill with the jeweler's tool, not blown.

Right up Thatcher's alley.

Tell me, Tom, why does an insurance company hire a guy like this?

He's an expert.

Was an expert.

He probably convinced them that he had reformed. The other photo is what's left

of the radio bomb that took out your brake lines and the ignition.

Pretty sophisticated device.

If you guys had gone over the falls, things would have been so jumbled up we

wouldn't have found much, especially if you had burned.

Things?

Things. Well, nice to see that you can remain so emotionally detached from your

work town.

Things would have been jumbled up.

Why don't you guys get out of here? Go home.

Or do whatever it is you do when you beat the odds. Let me figure out what...

Carla Morgans. No, no, the denture was Carla Morgans.

It's a big difference.

Marie, wait a second. Don't go.

Hello,

Marie.

All right, keep your pants on.

Simon and Simon. You've reached Simon and Simon Investigations.

Wait, we've got a problem. Please leave your name, number, and any message that

you wish.

Thank you.

Hi, Simon and Simon.

You've reached Simon and Simon Investigations.

At the beep, please leave your name and number... Hold on.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Simon.

Dave Blandings.

Oh, Dave. Hi. We've been looking for you.

Right. Well, we're wrapping things up at the factory here. Listen, you're

probably wondering about your money, right?

Yes. Matter of fact, we are.

I got your check in my hand. Why don't you come down and pick it up?

Stay in about an hour or so. An hour? That'll be fine, sure.

Okay. We'll see you there. Bye -bye.

Bye.

I think we'll be there a little sooner.

Where? The factory.

They want to pay us.

You know what would be nice, AJ?

It would be nice if just once we were wrong.

I mean, it would be nice if we went out there and we found the Blandings were

just... A couple of nice people who had absolutely nothing to do with this. We

could take their nice check for $120 ,000. Book passage to the heat. Where

women don't wear no tops.

That would be nice.

Don't count on it.

counting on it going this far.

Friends fraud, perjury, and God knows what else.

You'll forget all this, Dave.

I'll make you forget it.

Go and take care of Marie.

Believe me, Marie, nobody was supposed to get hurt.

Hold it! Let the girl go, Flannings!

All you had to do was leave it alone!

You would have paid your commission!

Hold it!

Carla Morgan, I presume?

You know, you're forgetting something very important, Carla.

No, I'm not. Sure you are.

Tell her, AJ.

The body in the car.

A cadaver Miles bought at a medical supply house in Mexico.

Yeah, we know, see, because we have a copy of the receipt that he signed for

tucked away in a safe place with instructions that if anything should

us... A receipt for a cadaver.

Think we're making it up? Don't be silly.

I can't believe he was going to kill me.

Husband. You know, I always... Rick and I were...

Like to... Thousand dollars?

Yeah.

Well, your husband said he was going to take you on a Mexican vacation. We

figure he still owes you one, sort of. Yeah, so you take a piece of that and go

to Acapulco and send us a postcard.

You guys.

All you had to do to earn $120 ,000 was look the other way.

Yeah, well, money never entered our minds.

Thank you.

Anytime.

We're here. Just give us a call. We'll bash right on down.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye. Bye.

I want a new answering machine in here today. No, it's already in the works.

Talk to surplus. Sammy, we're getting a great deal on a top -of -the -line model

for margin.

i live no no

no i

i'd love to oh they are

okay

Well, what?

Going out to dinner, that's all.

That's all?

That's all.

My parents are in town. She wants to meet me.

That's all.

Introducing you to their parents. That's the first step, AJ.

First of all, it's dinner. And the next thing you know, they're calling you son.

And then the old man's talking about the prospects of the family aluminum

business. You never did tell me just which side of this minor disagreement

you on anyway, huh?

Come on, A .J. Marriage is a very important step in a young man's life.

we know about this girl? What do we know about her family? You're not in it. He

had a bunch of lowlifes. That's what I'm talking about. We've got to talk about

this, A .J.