All language subtitles for simon_simon_s03e18_double_play

Mrs. Simon, how does it feel to learn
your son's our international thief?

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Maybe this will finally put an end to
this private detective foolishness. I'm

gonna make you an offer which you cannot
refuse.

You got an agent? They made him blow a
bugle for his uncle Sam.

They really brought him down because he
could not jam.

AJ, we gotta get out of this place. If
we stay here, something terrible's gonna

happen.

Well, what do you think?

I think you must have been up for hours.
What are you doing, restraining the

patio?

Yeah. Well, I promised to after Carlos
spilled that jug of Don Diablo over

and ate through to finish.

That was in the Nixon administration.

Carter, maybe.

In any case, there have been dozens of
broken promises in the years in between.

I shouldn't complain.

You shouldn't complain.

You ought to get yourself dressed.

We got a 9 .30 appointment. Oh, come on,
AJ. We need a day off. We need a payday

is what we need.

No, that's all right. I'll tell you
what. If you want, I'll fly solo on this

one. Okay.

I'll just finish up on the porch here.
Who's the client?

Oh.

Who?

Allison Long, the movie star.

She waited since Nick's making a little
while longer.

Mm -hmm.

Oh, sorry to be late. I'm convinced
they're the right men for the job.

Has Greg filled you in on all the sordid
details?

Well, just that you need bonded couriers
to hand carry some negotiable

securities from here to a bank in Mexico
City.

Well,

Peter's been terribly nasty about it
all.

And who's Peter? My fourth husband.

Fifth.

My fifth husband.

You see, we've been going through this
rather messy divorce.

As Allison's personal manager, I've
counseled her to move certain negotiable

securities out of the country, at least
till this is settled.

I think we can handle that.

Well, there is one thing you should
know.

Peter has made several threats.

And he's in a position to carry them
out.

You see, his background is... Well, I...
He comes from a well -known family.

Local? Vegas.

A well -known...

Vegas family.

Well, I can't help it if I have this
tendency to be attracted to men with a

certain aura of danger.

I've been in therapy for a long time.

Really? I hope you're not a Scorpio.

It's likely that some of his friends
will try to stop you.

No problem.

Well, then it's settled.

You can pick up the documents this
morning at Harding Cats Investment

Okay.

Wonderful. I feel so much better about
all this now that I've met you.

I hate to run, but I promised to donate
my old wardrobe to an auction to raise

money for Jerry's kids. Oh, that's nice.

You be sure to pay them generously.

And I'll thank you personally when you
return. Okay.

You too.

Wow. I'm telling you, A .J., there is a
notch on her bedpost with my name on it.

Rick, the woman is a renowned carnivore.
She will exploit you for her own

pleasure. She will use you.

We both just sign and date it here.

Mr.

Katz? Hey, Rose.

Don't drink the water.

Gracias.

Hey, wait.

I can take you there. You just meet us
at the bank in about half an hour, Phil.

There you go.

Yep. Black sedan, we got two to beat.
Two plus two.

Great. We'll just be a few minutes.

Oh, boy.

Now it's time to stop and ask them.

Dirección Federal de Seguridad.

U .S.

Customs. U .S. Treasury.

Richard and Andrew J. Simon, you're
under arrest for transporting stolen

securities out of your country into
Mexico.

Hey, hey, a couple hours, we'll be
laughing about this. We got reputations

this town.

I know, that's what worries me. I'll let
you know when we've got a serious

problem. I know when we've got a serious
problem. It's generally about the time

you take a drink with somebody. All
right, quiet down.

Number three, step forward.

Turn to your right.

Face us again.

Number four, step. Step forward.

Put the hat on.

Yes.

That's them.

I'm sure of it.

Has anybody questioned Allison Long or
Greg Paulson? There is no Greg Paulson.

What? And Allison Long has been in
Morocco for three months working on a

picture. No, she hasn't. We were with
her in Paulson's office.

She walked off the Tonight Show last
night because of Joan Rivers.

Four months ago by the Mexican federal
rally.

The minute that they were taken, the
suspect slipped through the net.

They never ID'd you until today.

October 31st, Halloween.

AJ and I had tickets on the 40 -yard
line for the Chargers -Redskins game.

knew we were going.

Any witnesses who saw you there?

I'll prove it. Well, what do they have
so far?

They know hundreds of thousands worth of
securities were funneled out of

Harding's and Katz by Mayrose.

We've got an APB out on him. They've
been closing in on a gang for several

months now.

Got close a couple times.

The scam had to be really getting
dangerous.

What about the others?

As far as the feds are concerned, you
are the others. Oh, that's absurd!

Your names were salted all through
Mayrose's files.

Looks like you've been involved from the
beginning.

He's trying to hang us. Yeah.

Oh, I don't think you'll get the death
penalty.

20, 30 years tops.

It's what you think.

Mom finds out about this, she's gonna
kill us.

I almost had to mortgage the house again
to raise bail this time.

Sorry, Mom.

Oh, if you'd become a lawyer, you
wouldn't be sorry now.

Mom, we're innocent.

Innocent? Oh, you found time to be
innocent between your black bag jobs and

shootouts?

Sooner or later, something like this had
to happen.

I'm just glad you weren't found dead in
some back alley.

Maybe this will finally put an end to
this private detective foolishness.

How bad is it?

Bad.

Is there any reaction, any truth in the
rumor that you've already started plea

bargaining with the DA?

Mrs. Simon, how does it feel to learn
your sons are international thieves?

I just made my mistake.

What is that supposed to mean? When have
I... Hey, hey, hey, hey. Get easy.

You want some coffee?

Yeah.

I've been squeezing the street.

Not only do our phony Allison Long and
Greg Paulson yet.

They had to be recruited out of town.

Whoever's behind it played it all alone.
No mob connections.

Still convinced of the revenge motive?

That's the only thing that makes any
sense, AJ.

You know, just look at the yellow paper.

Most of our enemies still have their
mail delivered to state -owned

institutions.

You realize, Rick, we could be sharing
the zip code with some of them, and I

they'd be very little glad to see us
again.

Well, for the time being, I'm betting
that our man or woman is on the outside,

and it had to be somebody who was
capable of executing something this

complicated that narrows it down to
three old cases that might come back to

haunt us.

Helen... Well,

if it isn't the Hardy Boys.

Heard you got your butts in the federal
fling.

Well, if you want any favors, you're on
the wrong street corner.

Sounds bitter, Helen.

Why shouldn't I be?

Somewhere there must be an honest career
with dignity.

You want to know what my first job was
when I got out of the slammer?

Selling DeLorean car.

That's right.

Yeah.

Then I got real lucky.

Landed a job as a stewardess.

Sounds dignified.

Branded.

Company folded. They fired everybody.

Oh, then there was some guy hanging
around from Playboy, wanted all the ex

-stewards to pose naked. Call that
dignity.

But then I got my big break.

Went into marketing video games.

I got a warehouse full of them.

And I almost got involved in the
cultural channel on cable TV.

Yeah, that folded, too, when the punk
rock station bought it out. See what I'm

saying? No dignity.

There's only one thing worse than being
straight, and you guys are going to find

out about that real soon.

Not sure I follow you.

Not sure I want to.

Ain't no dignity in prison, fellas.
None.

Tough life, bad food, bad company.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy,
but, you know, I'm going to laugh every

time I send you a postcard.

Oh, you bet. I'm bitter.

Eladio Sanchez, alias The Architect.

You wanted more from me, but it's an
honorable way of life.

I'm also a run -of -the -mill career for
cum laude graduate of Caltech.

Well, I've always been interested in
planting and... I know.

Very impressive.

Until you graduated and... Turned crime
to finance your research?

My research might have led to a solution
of world hunger.

And some of my colleagues thought I was
a leading candidate for a Nobel Prize.

Well, I guess we can't put a damper on
your ticket to Stockholm.

Yeah, well, now I watch the grass turn
green and the flowers bloom.

And as long as my parole continues, it's
a good place to be until I can get my

bearings.

I don't want to make the same mistake
twice.

Some friends of ours are looking for a
gardener, you know, in case she wants

more. Was arrested, do you recall?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a lot
of work to do.

Maxwell Maguire.

Give me a chance to surrender.

I was the one who chose to jump from the
train.

Some people wouldn't be so understanding
about losing their sight, Max.

I try not to think about that part of my
life. The accident may have even been a

blessing in disguise.

It all changed for me one day when a
sparrow flew through the bars of my

And another, and another.

Like Burt Lancaster in The Birdman of
Alcatraz.

They used to call me the Birdman of
Lompoc.

Oh, my goodness doodle, you're getting
plump.

We met some friends of yours.

Greg Fulton, Allison Long.

No, no, you must be mistaken. These
little creatures... I am. I'm working on

now.

I guess my old friends don't like guava.

I don't know what you expect to
accomplish here, A .J. We have to check

everything, Rick.

Oh, they were here after it was
abandoned. We are the only ones who were

before. So maybe we saw something.

Something that didn't register, but that
means something. Okay? Now, come on.

Okay. Okay, now look. We were sitting
here talking to Paulson. He was at his

desk, right? All right. Look around her.
Look behind her. What do you see?

All right.

Let's see.

Some abstract prints over here on the
wall and over there.

Some umbrella right here next to the
door. Right, right.

Over here, there's an old chrome statue
of Bambi. Yeah, Bambi? A deer.

A leather coat. There's no label on it
or anything. We just want to keep things

going. Okay, she came in. She came in.
She came with Kitty. She wanted a drink.

She wants a special Bloody Mary. He goes
over to the bar.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it.

What?

Yeah, there's a book of photographs. Ah,
there was a photograph right here.

Yeah. Um, Paulson and Marilyn Monroe,
she signed it. Something about their

to the Oscars. Okay.

Picture was taken in front of the
Dorothy Chandler Pavilion.

Isn't that where they always hold the
Academy Awards? Yeah, now it is. But

Marilyn Monroe died, the Dorothy
Chandler Pavilion hadn't been built yet.

So that picture had to have been taken
with the double.

Marilyn double, Allison double. No, no,
no, no, no. This was... Alice, take a

ride after Holly, will you?

Yes, sir. My eight pounds, no matter
what. I'll give you a million dollars

of talent for every store, okay?

Let's do lunch and firm up the deal.
Good. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Bring a pair of those shoes, will you?
Uh, 9D.

I gotta get some media with the
merchandise we're selling, right?

Okay, hey, ciao, love you.

Nice salad!

No, she don't work here anymore.

And instead of a bum, which is what I
am, I mean, let's face it, I am.

I'm going to make you an offer which you
cannot refuse.

Steam room.

And my streetcar broke all BO records in
a Pease Crossing, Louisiana, dinner

theater. I mean, people always told me I
look so good.

Go home, kiddo. Go be a cop.

No, wait a minute, Mr. Blander. You
don't understand. Look it, look it, look

I'm down on my last 20 bucks here.

Brando. Brando. That's it. Tom and
Brando. Yeah. I'm telling you, it's

Isn't it?

The resemblance, the way it creeps up
and grabs.

Something to do with the jawline here,
you know, when it glances up.

Turn to the light a little bit. Oh, gee.

I'm in the right light. It gives me the
willies. It gives me the creeps. Hey,

you got an agent, Kenneth? No, I don't.
Congratulations.

You got one. My handshake is my
contract. I got to get some videotape on

my file.

Come on. Come into the video. Is this
what they call a screen test? There's

something that you got to hit it. Get
some good dome on you. Because I've

performed. Leftover. from yesterday's
Queen Elizabeth audition.

Just throw it anywhere. Okay.

Here's your mark. This is called a mark.
Stand right there and don't move.

You are perfect. All right. All right.
Okay. I can hardly wait. Let's go.

Well, right now, just give me that great
Brando pow, okay? All right. Go down.

Hit your mark. Okay, give me another
pow. Give me a Brando pow. Yeah. That's

great. That's great.

Okay. Ratchet on.

Good.

Ratchet on.

It's frightening.

What? You are better than the original.

I got a big win in here.

You sure

this

is the right address?

What's this?

And massage.

Emporium.

Okay.

Well, hi, fella.

Did anybody ever tell you you look just
like a... No, no, wait. Let me guess.

Um... Cary Grant, right?

No, no, no, no, wait.

Oh, I saw her on TV just the other day.

She giggles a lot, right?

I give up.

Goldie, hold on.

Come on in.

Just stumble onto the home for wayward
celebrity pebbles.

That's right.

All right, ladies. All right, ladies.
Let them breathe.

Let them breathe. Let them. Let's get
out of here. Charlie, let them breathe.

Let them breathe.

Well, no wonder they're so excited.

Well, actually, we were hoping to find
an Alison Long type.

The Alison Long type. Well, that's like
Chinese food. An hour later, you're

still hungry.

I hate to see a man go hungry.

Yeah, but we heard that you did have
a... Yes, we did. She was very popular,

she left us a month or so ago. Okay,
now, what about Marilyn Monroe? See, I

always want to meet Marilyn. Marilyn's
tied up right now.

But if I say so myself, you look more
the Dolly Parton type.

I do? Yes, you do. And for a slight
extra fee, I will throw in Barbara

Streisand's double, and they will do a
duet that you will never forget.

Uh,

uh, just...

Curiosity, what are your rates?

Special on our Joan Collins double, $449
.95.

But you've got to take her as is.

Look, really, all we want is we want to
talk to the Alison Long double. Would

you happen to know where we could find
her? Wait a second. What is this? You

guys cops or something?

Hey.

Hey. Hey, come back here.

Stop them, boys. Stop them.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you that you
look exactly like...

I don't have time for this, man.

Don't you understand what it means to be
out on bail?

There are all kinds of restrictions. You
guys have broken every one of them in

less than 24 hours.

Well,

he didn't report to his parole officer
yesterday and his place is deserted.

Well, that means he took off as soon as
he realized we suspected him.

My Maryland double wasn't any help. She
thought the whole thing was a gag.

Well, he's probably out of the country
by now.

Yep.

Mexico.

Esquinappa. Are you sure?

No. Well, that's where he was living
when he was working out his principal

cytogenetic.

Well, I read his research paper.

Go down ourselves.

What is that Jetson is saying?

You're talking about sneaking out of the
country, man. Fugitives from Jetson.

Your mother could force it all to bail
money.

Town, it's the only way.

It is no way.

And even if you found him there, you
couldn't do anything to him? There's

nothing to hold him on yet.

No, you can't hold him.

Officially, we can. We can hold him
upside down and shake him until

falls out of his pocket.

As your friend, I'm telling you, you're
dead wrong on this. Some protection.

Try me.

I can barely hear you.

Operator, this is a terrible connection.

Yes, are you sure?

It's Bette. Two men were there, the same
ones.

They know I'm with you.

But she said she didn't tell them we
were down here.

Yes, Bette.

I'm glad you called.

I'll be in touch.

I don't think anyone can find us down
here.

I underestimated them once.

And they hung me up to twist slowly in
the wind for the world to see. They'd

never leave the country while they're
out on bail. They'd be crazy to risk

Maybe.

But I'd feel better with some additional
help.

I don't think we should bring in anyone
new.

Should be someone we can trust.

Someone you've worked with before.

You're right.

You're not seriously considering going
down there yourselves.

Will you?

Are you asking me to approve?

Take care of AJ, you old nut.

What are you doing?

Why are you up?

I heard you come in.

AJ, I have a better shot alone.

Don't let Mom worry. I'll be in touch as
soon as I know something.

You...

You were going to leave me here? All
right, now look, it's the smartest thing

do. The two of us together makes it too
easy for town. Now, I can make it on my

own. Big bravado move by the older
brother.

Forget it. Take the back way in there.
Forget it. I am going.

Damn it, A .J.

Mom was right.

You couldn't survive on the run. I can
if I have to.

I'm going to assume that all this is
because you are suffering from utter

exhaustion and you shut up!

If you want to go it on your own after
we play out this hand, that's fine.

But my neck is on the block here too and
I am going down to Esquanapa whether

you like it or not.

Hi. Is he still following us?

Still following us.

Hey, the school bus.

Okay, we've got him right where we want
him.

Right on our tails.

Yeah, but his confidence is up. I can
understand why.

We're going to take him, Rick.

A little help from Carlos' car wash.

They found us.

There's nothing to worry about.

I had them under surveillance since the
end of the time this morning.

We're ready for them.

They're here.

They just came over the north wall. You
can intercept in the front room.

Are you sure you have the right costumes
on?

Good.

I can't go through with this.

I wish they'd hear something terrible's
gonna happen.

Rick.

It's locked.

And as we're here, we don't know how to
try it now.

AJ!

All right, just relax. You're going to
be all right.

You're going to be okay. Just check out.

I had a shot at him.

Well, why didn't you shoot him?

I don't know.

Well,

don't forget I owe you one. Anytime,
anytime.

One hand or not. Oh, Rick, don't be in
such a hurry. I want to say something

before we begin.

We've come through a very difficult
time.

And we've had some harsh words. Now,
Mom, no need to apologize. I have no

intention of apologizing. None of this
would have happened if you weren't

private investigators.

But I've been thinking, and I realize
that you two are doing what you want to

life. And if that's what you want,
that's what I want, too.

So, I think the occasion calls for a
toast.

I feel very, very lucky.

that I'm sharing supper with my family
tonight.

Safe, happy, together.

Hear, hear, hear, hear.