All language subtitles for simon_simon_s02e19_whats_in_a_gnome

Right now we're calling him the Fanta.
He's starting to monkey around with the

rides. I love mechanized death.

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Things like Miss Carol doesn't think
your boy's up to the job of finding this

loon. So she's had a couple of private
investigators.

Ricky, what's the most important part
about being a gnome?

I don't know.

Because this guy is a psycho. He could
go off like a Roman candle all over the

park. I think the Marines just landed.
The situation is not well in hand.

Delta 4, this is Ranger 1, over.

Go ahead, Ranger 1.

Vector 2 is secure and tucked in.

Like the old days, huh, Vince?

Yeah, Charlie, by any other name, still
stinks.

Better get your butt up to the bumper
car and check out the rest of section 4.

You know the old man.

He's going to be calling in, and he
always wants it in trip.

Yeah, when we finally nail this sucker,
the old man will probably want copies of

his ears.

You check out the control board on the
mammoth?

Yeah, locked up tighter than a monkey's
smile. Be glad when Grayson pulls us out

of here.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Moving on to sector four, over.

Thank you, Bobby. It's an interesting
ride.

Thank you. Ah, Mr. Simon. Hi. And Mr.

Simon. Hey, Jay. Thank you for coming
out. I'm Denise Carroll, the park

Boy, and I was expecting, I don't know,
tattoos and a pack of Luckys rolled up

in a T -shirt, please.

You're thinking about the carnival. This
gentleman is big business.

Please.

Well, what you're describing sounds more
like vandalism than sabotage. No, no,

it's too systematic. It's too, well...

orchestrated. Right now, we're calling
him the Phantom.

Listen, please, don't laugh. He's been
operating for a month, tampering with

concessions. The thermostats in the food
storage, sabotaging the soft drink

machines, and now it's starting to
escalate. He's starting to monkey around

the rides. Yesterday, we found out the
brakes went out on two of the Grand Prix

cars. I told you they're not here for
thrills and chills.

She made a couple of phone calls to that
roller coaster company this morning.

Maybe they're just repairmen.

No, they smell like hired guns to me.

You stick with them, I'm going to call
the old man.

Now, this phantom, whoever it is, has to
be stopped before somebody gets hurt.

Well, what do your security people
think?

Actually, they're part of the problem.

Listen, could we go someplace and talk?

Well, how about your office?

How about someplace a little private?

Who owns this place?

A fellow named Grayson, Lawrence
Grayson. He owns Consolidated Amusements

Galveston. And he bought this park a few
months ago. Now he wants to make it a

flagship for an entire chain.

Fun USA.

Just what America needs. More fun, more
chain.

Well, that's Colonel Grayson.

Today, Fun USA. Tomorrow, Disney World.

He's already put $10 million worth of
new repairs and new rides into this

Is that Colonel, as in Kentucky?

No. As in Marine Green, retired.

Colonel Grayson?

They got saluted him somewhere.

Well, I haven't had that pleasure so
far. It's been one long growl on the

telephone. Aha.

You get used to that. Marine colonels
are born angry.

Are you okay?

Oh, sure, I'm fine. I love mechanized
death.

If Grayson finds out I'm second
-guessing him, he'll have my head.

I'll be bringing in personnel this week
for training, rehearsing, whatnot.

Also test groups to try out Clark.

So you should be able to go unnoticed.
Okay.

strikes again.

Just in time.

This time you've gone too far.

Playing with a giant like it's a
tinkered toy.

When can we start?

As soon as we get down from here.

We're going to need cover jobs.

Right. Listen, how about you and
maintenance and you and theme work?

No, no, no. Wait. I want theme work. I
always have to do the maintenance stuff.

I want to do theme work this time. Okay.

What is that?

What's in a gnome?

Gaffaws and chuckles and shiny belt
buckle.

He's friendly.

He's happy. His toe tap is snappy.

Now, who can tell me what is the most
important part about being a gnome?

Let's see.

Ricky?

Ricky?

Rick.

Want to repeat the question?

A gnome is polite. He always says
please. He likes to have fun and he'll

tease.

Now, Ricky, what's the most important
part about being a gnome?

I don't know.

Sex.

While our gnomes are male and female in
appearance, we know

that they are really neuter.

Let me answer that question for you.

The most important thing about being a
gnome is

the psychology of being a gnome.

They're writing that down.

No, Colonel, I don't think we should
postpone the opening. The media campaign

peaking, and we have planned all the
opening ceremonies.

We are doing everything we can to find
him, Colonel.

Well, good management can fight
anything, Miss Carroll.

The way I look at this, if you're losing
a ball game, sometimes it's because the

coach is sending in bad plays.

Colonel, may I remind you that you are
the one who wouldn't let me call the

police when this whole Phantom thing got
started? Police mean publicity.

Besides, each man I sent you is worth
five of those toys in blue.

Colonel Grayson, I'd like to go on the
record here.

Your security men have done nothing but
aggravate this situation.

They have spooked the preview guest, and
their presence seems to have egged on

the Phantom somehow.

Sir, this place is being operated like a
runaway train.

We've been trying to maintain.

Mr. Hurst, I'm speaking to Mrs. Carroll.

You'll get your chance.

Yes, sir.

Sorry, sir. I've noted your opinion,
Mrs. Carroll, and I'll certainly keep it

mind.

Now, if it's all right with you, I'd
like to go off the record.

I'll be coming down there for that
opening, and I want it on schedule.

Understood? Yes, sir.

Good. Now let me speak to Mr. Hurst.

Put that cigarette out.

Yes, sir.

About those photos you sent me, I have
some. Positive ID.

Andrew and Richard Simon.

Seems like Miss Carroll doesn't think
your boy's up to the job of finding this

loon. So she's hired a couple of private
investigators.

Sir, we'll have them on the plane.

To Galveston in a half hour. Negative.

Couple of wild cards like them just
might lead us to our joker.

Sir, you sure the Phantom's who you
think it is? Positive.

I've had dealings with them before.

This time I want them nailed.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Those two detectives, what if they get
in the way?

Burn them.

interrupt you, but you know, it's time
to punch out.

Supposed to be working undercover, and
you're handing out business cards?

That was one of my fake business cards.

Artie Belton's sporting goods.

Tell me something, Rick. Yeah.

On the rare occasions that this pathetic
little scam worked, and the girl

actually calls, and you actually go out,
what happens?

Well, Dad explained all that to you.

No.

No, I mean, are you Artie Belson's
boarding good to her forever?

What's in a name?

Besides, any girl that'll fall for a
routine like that thinks forever's the

of a perfume.

I'm Artie Belson, three, four hours
tops.

Shabby, Rick.

Shabby. Yes, it is.

And a lot cheaper than the $60 bottle of
wine and the phony vintage photo

collection you use.

Let's face it.

Like what Dad always said, doesn't
matter how you bait the hook, just as

you get him in the bucket, right?

Hey, listen.

Sure you wouldn't like to trade jobs?

I mean, I understand the gnomes have a
really high suicide rate. There's a lot

of pressure there.

What, quit now just when I've almost
learned to be neuter?

I would have traded with you.

You could have gone into maintenance.

You're not remodeling that place for
another month. There shouldn't be

in there.

That was the fastest disappearing act
since Houdini.

Yeah.

All right. Left us a calling card,
though.

All right.

Here's where I took the header.

That trench you're standing next to is
one of mine.

Take a look at this.

So what?

These boots could belong to anybody.

There's only one shoe store in the world
where you can get a set exactly like

that.

Vietnam.

They're government -issue jungle combat
boots.

You could have bought them in any
surplus store.

That's true.

But, uh, come here and take a look at
this.

A lot of guys in the first Mardiv used
to carve up their boots like this. The

first Mardiv?

Yeah. Think we could keep this in
English?

Oh, I forgot.

You were a campus soldier.

First Marine Division.

There was a guy over there, a real crazy
guy called the Climber.

He used to carve the divots out of the
soles of his boots like this, give

himself what he called sniper traction.

No, I heard he could almost literally
walk up the side of a tree, find himself

spot to shoot at Charlie.

I hadn't seen anything like this since
war.

So what we've got is a boot print, some
war stories about crazies in Vietnam,

and all of a sudden, you're sure he's an
ex -Marine.

There's no such thing as an ex -Marine.
Ah.

See, after a while, the climber got to
be kind of a legend.

Pretty soon there were dozens of guys
all over the place imitating him.

Well, you had to pick up on whatever
could give you an edge. And what was

Never volunteering.

Uh -huh. Uh -huh.

Look, if this guy is a psycho, he could
go off like a Roman candle all over the

park. A .J., up until now, the guy's
been pretty harmless.

I beg your pardon? Yeah.

Harmless? You call the roller coaster
incident harmless? Oh, no, wait a

The guy knew exactly what he was doing.

He had a time so that it only stopped
when the cars were going real slow.

If the Phantom is what you think he is,
then we have a Marine combat vet at

either end of the situation.

Bingo. Well, maybe they're tied
together. Don't you think we ought to

little bit more about Colonel Grayson,
USMC retired?

Not just a guy.

Is that one of your drinking buddies?

Man's respected historian.

2019?

All right, come on, just serve.

I think I'll play this one left -handed.
Just serve it, will you? Last chance to

raise the ante. All right, make it an
even buck, you weasel.

That'll buy you a beer.

Come on.

Wow.

Thank you.

This is very impressive. Do you do this
for a living?

No, I do it for the dead.

Now, what can I do for you?

A little history lesson?

How to subdue a tiny Asian country in 15
years for $5 trillion?

No, thanks. I already took that course.

Just need to check up on a couple of
gyrenes. Okay.

Let me get this old boy warmed up, and
we'll see what we can find.

and Lawrence.

Military advisor, 61.

The guy was there from the beginning.

Let's see here.

Lieutenant, 63. Platoon leader, exec
officer, 64.

Company commander, 65.

He did four tours.

Distinguished service cross, bronze
star, silver star.

Nomination for congressional medal.

Boy, looks like you got everything there
but the national anthem.

The rest of this stuff is pretty dry.

Let me call up some Jews.

Good friend of mine.

War zone correspondent over there. Did a
lot of investigative stuff.

I can tap right into the wire service
morgue.

Shh. It's thinking.

It's thinking.

Ah, here we are.

Oh, I remember this one.

There was some kind of hassle over near
the Cambodian border.

Grayson called in an airstrike, but
there's some question whether he got all

people out first.

Friendly fire?

I don't know.

Story's kind of vague.

But when they got that company out of
there, they shipped everyone off to

different posts in the States.

Then G2 popped the black lid on it.

This is the only piece ever written
about it.

Newsweek reporter interviewed three guys
in Saigon before they shipped out.

They were Jan, Gilracketh, and Dwyer.

I don't suppose that was the...

Highlight of the colonel's career,
calling in fire on his own troops. Are

kidding? They gave him a cluster for his
Silver Star.

Well, where do you suggest we start?

Well, they were all headed for hospital
stateside, so you might check with

Pendleton or maybe the VA.

Okay.

We have seen some strange times, haven't
we, my friend?

That we have.

Corporal Janssen, Spec 4 Gilorakis are
dead.

Sorry to hear that.

What were the causes?

Natural. Nothing to do with their
service overseas?

No.

And Dwyer?

Do you have anything on him?

He was here undergoing treatment until
the fall of 79.

We haven't seen him since.

Are those pictures of him?

Yes, ma 'am.

Thank you.

I'll be frank.

The only reason I agreed to see you and
give you this information is that...

Well, maybe you can help us.

If you find him, I wish you'd let us
know about him.

Mr. Dwyer's a very sick man.

I don't think you really understand how
sick he is.

You mean sick up here?

I can't divulge a patient's private
medical history. Just please have him

touch.

We only want to help.

Yes, sir.

First thing this morning. We should get
outstanding media coverage on the

skydive press preview today.

I don't want any hitches today.

That press preview is crucial to the
success of the park.

We're on top of it, Colonel.

You better be.

By the time I arrive at that grand
opening, you better have that situation

totally secure.

We will, sir.

I was just discussing strategy with
Williams here. He assured me that the

Phantom will definitely be contained.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.

And when that press preview is over
today, I want that container.

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, we're
pleased to allow you this unique peek

before the park is open to the general
public.

Welcome to Fun USA's newest attraction,
the Geronimo.

We are very honored to have with us
today four members of the United States

Marine 16th Airborne Battalion These
brave men are going to be the first to

to ride the Geronimo Are you ready
gentlemen? Yes, ma 'am Okay

Ladies and gentlemen the fabulous
Geronimo

I'm gonna picture this.

What are they doing?

Well,

that does it.

What do you want to bet the old man's
here by the end of the day?

You know, the way this whole thing's
going down, the Phantoms have got to

more than a nodding acquaintance with
Fun USA.

Inside job?

Well, the guy goes and comes as he
pleases. He moves freely by day or

wouldn't be surprised if he's an
employee.

Let's ask Denise to go through the
personnel file, see if we can get a line

Dwyer.

I think the Marines just landed.

My situation is not well in hand.

What's the status ordinance?

Everything will be here by nightfall.

Search and destroy.

That's what Dwyer's trying to do to me.

He doesn't want to kill me. He could
have done that ten times already.

He's a pretty smart boy.

He knows how much I got invested in Fun
USA.

Just like Charlie.

Trying to bring down a giant by untying
his shoelaces.

Well, I'm gonna step on that maggot with
both feet.

Okay, gnomes. Today, we're gonna do some
role -playing.

Now, let's see.

Let's... Let's get Ricky up here.

Come on.

Come on, Ricky.

Oh, you're going to be so good at this,
you're going to love it.

Okay.

I'm going to pretend that I'm a little
boy who's had a very big day at the

And I really should be taken home and
put down for a nap right away.

But, oh, no.

I want to play with you.

Okay, you dumb gnome, let's see you do
something.

I want to see you do a backflip.

Sorry, kid. You're looking at a gnome
with a bad back.

I'm going to report you.

You want to know

something about gnomes?

Gnomes love little kids.

Please, Anya.

That was very cute, Ricky.

But, of course, we all know that we
would never want to do anything that

frighten our little friend.

Isn't that right?

Well, that's... Everything for today,
class. We'll meet here in the same place

tomorrow. Thank you, Lori.

Did you check your personnel records?

Got any Dwyers working here?

I don't know.

Grayson threw me out of my office.

Colonel Lock and Load is turning the
place into a war zone.

Well, that's typical top brass
mentality, drop an A -bomb to kill a

a feeling we better find our boy while
there's something still left to find. I

don't give a damn who this Phantom is or
what his problems are. I just want him

out of here.

Grayson is ready to start World War III,
and I'm going to be caught in the

crossfire. Do you understand that?

Look, I think it's pretty obvious by now
that Dwyer is working here.

Now, Grayson and his troops know what he
looks like, so he's got to have a way

of moving around the park without being
spotted.

Now, what kind of a job would enable him
to do that?

Gnomes who go through other gnomes'
lockers.

Get in a lot of trouble.

Maybe even get hurt.

Well, you got it all wrong. See, I was
just looking for a match, and your door

was open there, so I just kind of...

Thanks for the fire.

And good night, Chesty, wherever you
are.

Hey, wait a minute.

You were in the Corps?

Semper Fi, Mac.

But I got to tell you, two tours of
NOM's a day at the beach compared to

City. Yeah, I seen you around.

Ricky, isn't it? Rick.

Yeah.

Well, once they get your name straight,
the rest of it's easy, huh?

When you first get here, everything's a
little too real.

But then you reach a level you can
maintain.

Sometimes you don't even feel like going
back to the world.

Hey, wait a minute now. Are we talking
nam or gnome?

Hey, six of one.

These things shooting at you over here.
Well, not yet, they're not.

Now, where'd you do your boot?

Pendleton. You?

P .I.

Oh, jeez, the swamp.

You know, I used to do the same thing to
my boonies.

I could really, I could walk up the side
of a banyan tree.

Yeah? Yeah.

Guess you heard about the climber, too,
huh?

I am the climber.

See you around, Rick.

You're not out there all alone, man.

Not anymore.

Come on.

Let me help you out of this thing.

What the hell are you talking about?

Jarhead named Dwyer.

Now, we know he doesn't want to hurt
anybody, not... Not really.

There's a lot of ways you can get at
Grayson legally.

You're copper fed, friend.

Got an extra square?

Yeah.

Okay, friend.

Now you stay right where you are and
take a slow count to 30.

When I'm gone, if I see your head stick
out that door, it's gone.

A lot of us care about you, Luke.

Dr. Anderson, the PA wants to help.

Yeah, well, they had their chance.

Now I got mine.

Hey, Jake.

You still think that guy's harmless?

Hey, Jay, he could have killed us twice
without even thinking about it. He

bracketed your head and then it's just a
warning.

Frick, the guy is a psycho.

Why, people are real trigger happy with
that word when it comes to Vietnam vets.

If I weren't your brother, you'd
probably think I was psycho just because

over there. No, I thought you were
psycho before you went.

Yeah, I'm sure that was Dwyer.

Looked like he was firing at them.

Stay close to those two detectives.

They'll do your job for you.

Lead you right to our phantom.

All right.

If I were Dwyer and I wanted to create
havoc, I'd set up some sort of a secret

base camp somewhere here.

You know, a place that I could eat and
sleep and clean up and still be close to

the action.

No. No. Every single one of these
buildings has been thoroughly searched.

dozen times. A field mouse couldn't set
up a hidden base camp here.

Hey, Rick, let me see that mud you got
off Dwyer's boot.

Smells moldy.

It's damp.

Tell me about the drain system you got
here.

Of course.

The storm drains.

Huh? Fun USA.

was built over a network of abandoned
storm drains.

So far, it sounds pretty solid.

But according to this map, the theater
was built over one of the storm drain

instances. Must be sealed up, just like
all the others.

Now, this is the last access point. If
it ain't here, it ain't anywhere. And

guy disappeared somewhere in this
theater.

Give me a hand with this.

Let's just move it out this way, okay?

May I make a suggestion?

Please do. Why don't we empty it first?

Good thinking.

This thing feels like it's bolted to the
floor.

That's crazy. Nobody would bolt a box to
the floor like that. You're right.

It's hinged.

Stand out of the way.

There you go.

Denise, we're going to need you to stand
guard.

If any of Grayson's troops get close...
I make a lot of noise. You make a lot of

noise. Gentlemen, be careful.

Williams, get Grayson. We found them.

What's this place?

This wasn't on the map.

Looks like an old boiler room.

Look at all this junk. This is the stuff
Denise had got stolen from Playland.

Welcome to Firebase Middle Earth.

It's a nice place to visit, but I don't
think you'll live here.

Getting ready to start another war?

Just trying to finish the last one.

Fifty to one is not great odds.

You'd sell out to the Viet Cong, Mac.

I don't know.

Killing Grayson seems like a lousy way
to get people to listen to you. I don't

want to kill him.

I want him to get me.

I won't be the first Marine that he's
killed, but I'll be the last.

When I go, people learn the truth about
Shanlook.

Well, what's the truth?

It's all right here.

Pictures, documents, depositions from
survivors.

Well, why don't you just take that stuff
to a newspaper or a TV station or

something? They'd eat that up. I've been
there.

They listen, they're polite, but then
they talk to the Army, the DOD.

Next thing I know, they tell me don't
check out.

Besides, Vietnam is just another old
show that they watched years ago.

Eat your TV dinner and watch the kid
next door lying face down in the mud.

Pass the fish sticks and sleep like a
log.

I didn't sleep too well during those
years.

My brother was one of the campus
commandos. He fought the war from behind

protest sign.

We knew what was going on.

We were concerned with larger issues
than toga parties, you know. AJ, you

real large issue?

Breakfast.

And being alive to eat it.

You guys were worried about whether you
could carry 21 hours in one semester. We

were worried about whether we were going
to make it through the next 24.

That is why I didn't sleep well at
night.

Hey, if people like him hadn't fought
the way they did, you might have come

in a bag.

I'm just glad he didn't have to go.

Yeah.

Me too.

What really did happen at Shanlok?

Colonel Grayson called in an airstrike
on a VC stronghold near the Cambodian

border. Only trouble was, Charlie wasn't
the only one there.

My unit hadn't gotten out yet.

Yeah, but that doesn't make it anybody's
fault.

Friendly fire was a fact of life over
there. Oh, friendly fire I could handle.

But these breweries weren't just...
dropping explosives.

They were dropping other little goodies,
too.

The stuff was supposed to just stop the
leaves from growing, but I think it's an

odd coincidence that 12 years later, I'm
the only one from my outfit still left.

And I'm dying, too.

From the inside out.

Oh, yeah.

Grayson knew we were there.

And he made it rain anyway.

Why don't you let us help you?

We got friends at newspapers and TV
stations. Let us have that stuff. We'll

the word out. We can get you out of here
safely.

Back to a hospital.

Forget it.

I don't know how much longer I got.

I'm not going to lie down and do
nothing.

I got a story to tell.

You're not going to do a lot of talking
with 50 holes in your head.

Are you kidding me?

Shootout at amusement park.

Crazed Vietnam vet slain.

They got to check something like that
out.

They're going to want to know why that
happened.

And it's all right here.

I'm going to let you guys go now, but
your weapons stay.

Don't you see?

What have I got to lose?

I'm a dead man.

Grayson killed me 12 years ago.

get out of here

Two guys cut him off from behind.

Oh.

Where the hell's Dwyer?

We can sort this thing out. Oh, we'll
sort it out.

Just like this. Nice and cosy.

Oh, that's fine. Let's get it over with.

What do you want, Dwyer?

Money?

Well, you name your price.

This isn't worth dying over. Oh, yes, it
is.

Matter of fact, that's exactly what I'm
doing.

And I want you to tell them why.

Come on.

I'm sorry about your situation. I can't
change that.

But that's the risk of the deal you made
when you put on the blues. Not the deal

I made.

I was prepared to be killed by the
enemy, not by my own commanding officer.

That whole incident is a matter of
record. Oh, yeah.

It's the same damn broken record that
you and the body counters have been

playing for years. It's time to set it
straight.

Come on, Colonel.

Let's return to the glorious days of
yesteryear. Sean Look 72.

Sounds like a vintage wine, doesn't it,
guys?

Yeah, well, it turned out to be one hell
of a bad year for all of us.

You're a sick man, Dwyer.

You need help.

I know some people over the VA to tell.
I bet you've put enough of us there.

When you called the raid on Sean Look,
you knew that we were sitting right

it, didn't you, sir?

Are you going to believe the official
report on this Section 8?

I don't know about you guys, but I'll
take a Section 8 over official report

day.

Anybody who was over there knows about
official reports, don't they?

What are you going to believe, what you
see with your own eyes and hear with

your own ears and feel in your own gut?

A piece of paper with a bunch of numbers
on it, and yesterday those numbers were

your best buddies.

Colonel, what about your side of what
happened at Sean Luck?

Did you know Dwyer's unit was in there
when you called up the strike?

You guys never understand.

We had to go for it.

The whole sector was riding on it.

You think I had time to worry about 79
guys who didn't get the word?

79.

You knew exactly how many men were in
there.

You're damn right I knew how many were
in there.

And I'd do it all again.

They were expendable.

We all are.

Not me.

Burn him!

What's the matter with you? I'm telling
you to burn him!

Give me that gun, Chuck!

I'm all in you!

Let's shoot that man!

Kill him!

All of you!

Don't you run away from this!

I'm giving you orders!

I'll remember the one of you!

I appreciate you guys inviting me.

It means a lot. It means a lot to Luke.

History's gonna get the score straight
on this thing.

Was your research over the last couple
months helped put Grayson in the hot

seat? Just doing my duty.

You know, if the feds do convict him,
Grayson's looking at about, oh,

half a century of hard time.

It's too bad a Marine Corps
investigation takes so long.

After what they're going to hear, I
think they'll wish they'd put on a good

for Luke.

He's getting one.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death.

I will fear no evil, for thou art with
me.

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of mine enemies.

Thou anointest my head with oil.

My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow
me all the days of my life, and I will

dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Thank you.