Original subtitles

It's okay. It isn't me.

Oh,

don't be like that.

You know I love you.

Haven't you been making the payments?

Not all of them.

The idea is you're supposed to make all of them.

No kidding.

And what do you do with your paychecks? Origami?

Well, I took Paula to Maui.

Oh, well, now that was a necessity.

Yes, it was a necessity.

Hey, hey, wait a minute. We got a crisis here and you're going off to smack

little balls around. Now we need a client fast.

You need a client fast.

I need exercise. Oh, that's great.

Sympathy. Hey, hey!

When you were eight years old and you lost your bicycle, who found it for you?

Who lost it for me?

Yeah, but I found it, didn't I? Yeah, and when you did, it had two flat tires

and the seat was missing.

I had to ride around standing up until I could save up enough allowance to buy a

new one.

Good morning, Perilous Detective.

You're right, that is her.

Thanks, Marion.

Perilous Detective?

Yes, can you hold the line, please?

We're the detectives. Good morning.

He's in a meeting. Can I have him call you back?

Excuse me.

Wheeler. Uh, Stacy Wheeler, right?

Well, right.

Do I know you?

Billy Roy Thompson.

Billy Roy Thompson? Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't remember.

Oh, uh, well, I was bartending this party you was at down in Houston, and we

talking a little bit. Of course, you wouldn't remember that.

Billy Roy Thompson? Yeah.

Well, I guess I do.

Well, doesn't that beat all? Isn't that something?

Well, what are you doing in San Diego?

Oh, a little bit of everything, you know.

Oh, goodness, I didn't mean to do that. Let me clean that off for you.

Billy Roy, if I'd wanted two -tone, I'd have bought two -tone.

Uh -huh.

Well, I'll tell you what let's do.

Before that paint dries, let's step over here real quick.

Hey, Rick. Hey, Jay.

They're friends of mine, darling. We'll get that taken care of real quick.

I use this place all the time, so it'll be all right. You just sit down right

over here. There you go.

Now, give me that boot.

Right here. There you go. Now, give me a push.

There's a little shoe repair place right down the street here, and I'll be back

in just a flash. And there's a real friendly dog. He won't bite you nothing.

Now, you get down, dog. Go on. Get down.

You stay.

Let me guess. Somebody stole your shoe?

You want me to track it down for you?

Well, no, not exactly.

You came in here to steal one of my shoes, but you're an art lover and

resist the pictures.

Well, now you're getting closer.

You're a friend of Rick's.

Rick?

Well, I don't think so.

My name's Stacy Wheeler. Hi. I'm A .J. Simon.

Hi.

I know you.

You're the notorious Stacy One -Shoe Wheeler.

The wedding was all planned.

750 invited guests.

Family, friends.

The church was decorated up so pretty and all.

Well, thank you.

Well, I guess I'm just still so upset by it.

$15 ,000.

And that was just the gown.

Oh, the train.

It was so beautiful, Mr. Simon.

Oh, please.

Call me A .J.

A .J.? So there I was.

Right up in front of God and everybody.

Stood up at the altar.

Abandoned. You're joking.

No, I'm not joking.

Your husband -to -be just simply disappeared?

Gone without a trace.

Till this.

It's got no return address on it.

But it's postmarked San Diego.

I remember Ken told me he's got a brother named Roger. Worked around the

yards in San Diego.

JP, I couldn't go through with it. You're better off without me. Ken.

So I want you to find him for me. Can you do that?

Oh, of course.

Well, how long do you think it'll take?

Oh,

a day or two.

Three at the most.

You work with a partner alone?

Partner? My brother.

Older brother, younger?

Older.

Well, at least your mama got it right the second time.

Well, thank you.

Obviously, you two know each other?

Well, Billy Roy Thompson and I are old friends.

Billy Roy?

Billy

Roy?

You here yet?

Mr. Fowler.

We don't have to take two cars. You can take mine.

Whatever you say.

You're the boss.

Isn't he gorgeous?

I found him on a beach outside of Galveston.

He was making a picture down there.

Well, maybe you thought Chainsaw Honeymoon.

No, I think I missed that one.

Well, it's about a man who cars up his in -laws on the night of his wedding.

Well, Ken played the man.

This is the guy you were going to marry?

Well, it's only a movie.

Well, in real life, he's a great big teddy bear.

Well,

I think he must be in some kind of trouble or something.

And if my daddy was still alive, I'd know who to blame.

Daddy scared off more than one of my boats.

You've had a few, haven't you?

A few.

When we find him, what do you want us to do?

Well, I just want to talk to him.

I want to know he's okay.

And I want to know why.

That be enough?

Uh, it'll do, yeah.

We're tired.

Thank you.

Oh, use the limo. Okay.

Well, if I need another one, I'll just get another one.

Could come in handy.

Call me.

Thank you.

How are we going to do detective work from a limousine? Hey, look it.

My truck is rotting away in some impound lot. Just give me a break here.

At least we're riding in style.

looking for Roger Fielding?

That's me. Hi, my name is Bennett, Sam Bennett. I work for Tasmanian, Tasmanian

Productions. We did Chainsaw Honeymoon.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Listen, we'd like to have a couple of words with you if you've got the time.

In the car? Yeah, come on over.

Sir, this is Mr.

Fielding. Ah, Mr. Fielding.

Nice to meet you.

We are making a sequel to Chainsaw Honeymoon. Sam, fix the man a drink.

Naturally, we want Ken to start.

So it is imperative that I speak to him immediately.

But at the end of the picture, they sawed Ken's head off.

Of course they did.

In the sequel, his twin brother shows up seeking revenge.

Hey, that's a good idea.

Of course.

My brother.

And you guys really thought he was that good, huh?

He was brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. Am I right? Was he brilliant? He glowed. He glowed.

Do you have any idea where we could find him? Oh, yeah. I mean, no.

I mean, maybe.

Ah. Well, of course, he's not available.

We could always go with Rex Hollywood.

Now, wait a minute. I didn't say that.

I'm pretty sure he is available.

Good.

I'll call him.

Good.

What are you talking about?

Bert Tasmanian died two weeks after Chainsaw Honeymoon was released.

Yeah, well, how the heck was I supposed to know that?

Can't you get it through your head not to talk to anyone about me?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm just too stupid to understand why my brother's acting like

Ken, for crying out loud, you just had a chance to marry one of the richest

women in the world.

And now you got a chance to get your acting career going again.

They're not from Hollywood, damn it.

Well, then who are they?

I don't know, and I don't want to know.

Roger, I'm supposed to be in hiding. Hiding?

From what? Never mind.

Look, just get rid of those two, please.

Uh, sorry, he's not interested.

What do you mean he's not interested?

Nobody says no to Burt Tasmanian.

Hey, look, I don't know who you are, but I know that's not Burt Tasmanian in

there. It's not?

No.

Burt Tasmanian died last year.

Oh. Hey, look, no joking.

You don't give me a good explanation why you want to talk to my brother Ken?

You guys are just wasting your time here.

All right, look it. Bottom line.

Let's go.

Come on, come on.

Roger, what are you doing home so soon?

Yeah, well, look, kiddo.

I think it's time you ought to start talking to me.

Into them.

Stacy sent us.

It was Stacy who hired you guys?

Who'd you think hired us?

Well, nobody.

It's just that after what I did to her, I didn't think she'd ever want to see me

again. Can you guys just tell her to go back to Houston and forget the whole

thing? What do we look like, Western Union?

You got a message for her, you call her.

You know what you need here? You need a little time just to kind of sort things

out. You know what I mean? So we'll set up a meeting for some time next week,

okay? No. No?

No, on second thought, I want to see her as soon as possible.

I've got to put an end to this once and for all.

Look, I don't think you ought to rush into this thing, you know what I mean?

Would you happen to have any time for you this evening by any chance?

Yes. Yes, I would.

Good. Got a phone? Oh, yeah.

Yes, could you connect me with Stacey Wheeler, please?

Well, how about this one?

Well,

now, in comparison to the last one, I would give this...

Ooh, 74.

Not the greatest beat in the world, but it's kind of catchy. I can dance to it.

Lacey, you're already half an hour late. Didn't you get down there?

Well, I want to make him wait, silly.

After all, he's mastered me up my own wedding.

No, I don't think so.

Too sexy.

I think the one with the high neckline.

Jackets are required in the dining room, sir.

I'm wearing a jacket. Not that type of jacket, sir. Ties are also required.

Well, then why don't we just make it an order to go?

Uh, that's all right.

We're going to leave in just a second. We're just visiting.

You all right?

Stacy?

I'll call you tomorrow.

Stacy, you look wonderful, you know that?

I want you to know that I really... Oh, don't get up, Ken.

I want to remember you just like this.

Stacy, before you start getting emotional, just listen to me. Why, thank

That's just what I've been looking for.

We could have stalled for at least a day.

Rick.

Oh, no.

Stacy, Stacy, stop.

Stacy,

please. We're in a restaurant. Come on, Stacy.

You stay out of this.

I mean it.

I'll buy the place from you, damn it.

Stacy.

Oh, no.

I will not stop. He has not enough yet. Please stop this, Stacy.

I might get my truck back after all.

No, no, no, no. I'm not ready.

Just take it easy.

Ow!

You come back here. Where do you think you're going?

Let me go. Put me down.

Oh, God.

Ow.

I don't think anything's broken.

Here.

Let's help take some of the ache away. There you go. Move your foot.

There you go. Oh, boy, that's cold.

Supposed to be cold, keep your foot in it.

Well, I don't know how I'm going to make this up to you.

I behaved dreadfully down there.

You can't, so don't bother trying.

Well, I think it was perfectly understandable.

Well, I mean, you know, the shock of seeing him again and all.

Of course, you know, he did run away again.

Oh, well, I was hoping you'd find him for me again. Well, I think we

No, we cannot. Yes, we can't. No, we cannot. A .J. No.

Would you excuse us for just a second?

crazy. A little? Two more days on this job and I can't ride truck back. No.

Jay. No.

She'll probably let us use the limo. Hoop -dee -doo.

No, we are through with this case. No!

I'll send them along shortly.

Okay. Hey, Rick, come back. Rick!

How's your foot?

It hurts.

Room service?

This is Stacy Wheeler.

Could you send up two bottles of champagne and some Russian caviar?

Thought you'd be at work by now.

Sorry, I didn't call. Been out walking all night.

That woman is crazy.

You would not believe what happened last night.

Funny. You took the words right out of my mouth.

God, Ron, what?

Oh, Kenny.

Kenny, why didn't you tell me?

Yeah, Kenny, why didn't you tell me?

Yeah, if you told him we were friends of yours, maybe he wouldn't have put up

such a fight.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Why don't you punch one of his eggs?

No, no, no. We don't want to hurt the groom -to -be now, do we?

What do you guys want?

I gave you the money back, and I promised I'd keep my mouth shut.

And I have.

Now, why can't you leave me alone?

Kenny, you know we're only middle management.

We don't make the decisions. We just count. Carry him out.

Like you will.

Then let me talk to the man.

Tell me who he is. You know, that wasn't part of the original agreement.

Now, our employer has lived up to his end.

Don't you want to live up to yours?

Oh, man.

It's not exactly Cupid's bow, but it's just as effective.

You were up here all night.

You know, my foot's a lot better this morning. I think it must be the eggs

benedict. Anyway, you're right. There's nothing broken.

The hell with your foot. What happened?

Nothing. William, can you take us around to the office? Oh, first let's stop

someplace. We'll get Rick something to eat.

I was going to send you something down, but you know how slow they are in places

like this with room service.

Give me a couple of chili egg supremes, three or four orders of hash browns, a

couple of cherry cobblers, a box of Captain Nemo cookies, and a strawberry

shake. Oh, yeah, and a cup of coffee.

What do you want?

What's wrong with him?

How should I know?

Listen, I think I'll call up old Ken and see if we can stir up round two.

Of course, you know, he's probably gonna want to wait for a week or two, so I

was just thinking that maybe we ought to wait a couple of days before we even

call him.

You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Are you talking about Stacy or your power wagon?

Call now.

Ken, hi. How are you?

You do, huh?

That soon?

Listen, are you sure that you... Yeah, okay.

He wants to set up a meeting right away now. Where do we want to do it?

Well, I think a public place.

How about right outside?

Hi, Ken.

Listen, Stacy really wants to apologize for last night. So, uh, how about lunch?

Well, it's quiet.

That's good.

It's too quiet.

That's bad.

I hear you do this. I can't do it anymore.

It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You ran out on me in front of 700 of my closest friends and relatives.

Stacey. The governor was there.

Stacey, I... Plus representatives from 16 states.

I even received a wedding card from the president.

Why, Ken?

Uh -oh.

Look out, Houston Control. We have tears.

If my daddy was still alive, he'd have filled you full of holes and hung you

to dry.

But since my daddy's not alive... Oh, I think it's time to abort the mission.

It's too late. We may have a lift off.

Hit the deck!

All right, if you take Wiley Coyote, I'll take... No, no, I think you're

Get back! No!

No way!

It's time to terminate our agreement, pal. Get in the car.

Did you see that?

What is that? What's going on?

That's just a couple of old fraternity brothers. You know, practical joke.

guys are nuts.

Five bucks that she talked her way out of it. No bet.

All right.

Two days at $300 a day. That's $600.

Expenses?

$200 plus countless thousands in damages.

Bonus? I doubt it.

Well, if you subtract our fee from the advance, we're going to wind up owing

money. Damn.

Well, I guess you all think I'm some kind of fool or something.

No.

We just thought you wanted to spend the rest of your life in jail.

Oh, jail.

Nobody with money in this country goes to jail.

That does it.

That does it.

Oh, hey, wait a second. Where are you going?

I never thought I'd live to see the day when I would willingly hand deliver a

client to our competition, but then I hadn't met Miss 18 Wheeler yet.

No, A .J., wait. He's with a client. A .J. What's the meaning of this?

How'd you like to have your client back?

How'd you like to have a broken jaw?

Thanks, Myron. I've had everything else but.

I don't care if you walk for the rest of your life.

In fact, I hope they've taken the power wagon and turned it into scrap metal.

You know what they say.

The opera ain't over till the fat lady sings, and I think I hear her warming

Rest assured, Miss Wheeler, we have an excellent missing persons recovery rate.

We'll find them. Too late, Myron. We've already found him again.

He's in the office. He wants to talk to you. I think you'd better listen. Bye,

Janet. Hey, wait a minute. We're doing you a favor, Myron. Trust me. Don't

me. This one is nothing but trouble.

Trouble?

How can $60 million in personal assets be trouble?

What?

You mean you were paid to fall in love with me?

I was paid to get you to fall in love with me.

Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Well, it's the truth.

My job was to keep you away from the corporate office.

Job?

You mean somebody in the company hired you?

Well, I don't believe you you're lying you're a lie

Or

isn't somebody gonna get me a tissue or something

Maybe it is time I grew up.

Let's pretend for a minute you're not lying.

Who paid you to do this?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I don't know.

I never met the man.

Only his two employees.

The ones that were following you.

All I do know is that it's someone very high up in your corporation.

How much did they pay you?

can still be worked out, but the arrangements are not yet satisfactory.

I must meet with you personally. Call me in San Diego, Ken.

Sounds great.

Okay, here's what we do.

We wire a copy of this to every one of your top executives.

If Ken's lying, nothing will happen. They'll just think it's a joke.

If he's telling the truth, though, well, I'm just bound to answer it.

Okay.

Earth to Stacy.

You have to make up your mind.

It's time to join the real world.

I got your wire.

You have a problem? What is it?

Let's talk about this in person.

I don't think that would be a very good idea.

You don't know who I am, and I would really prefer to keep it that way. I'm

we could work out your problem over the telephone.

Listen, I'm really getting tired of dealing with underlings.

You do what I say.

All right.

There is a flight leaving Houston for San Diego at 7 .01 in the morning. I'll

on it and you meet me at the airport.

Satisfied? Not yet.

You say the things I want to hear tomorrow.

Then I'll be satisfied.

Goodbye, Mr. Hampton.

Who's Hampton?

Executive Vice President.

He's been with the company since I was a little girl.

Honey? Yes, Mr. Hampton?

Check and see if there are any company jets available. I'm going to San Diego

tonight. Yes, sir.

Come on in, Stacey.

What the hell are you doing here?

You don't seem too surprised to see me.

Well, I'm just surprised you didn't have the courtesy to knock.

No, damn it, I'm not going to play games with you.

I want an explanation.

You get one.

How much did Kent tell you?

He told me everything.

Except how a man my daddy loved and respected could have done a thing like

to me.

Your daddy was a great man, Stacey.

Up to the day he died, I'd about say he led a charmed life.

Seems the only thing he ever failed at was raising you.

My daddy was proud of me.

And I don't realize how we've been losing any money since I took over.

You're unpredictable.

You're just not in control.

And a business can't operate under those circumstances. A business has got to be

efficient and in control and predictable.

I invented Ken to keep you occupied and out of the way, but I guess that didn't

work out, did it? You go get her packed. You go get dressed. We're going back to

Houston. We have a noon appointment with Judge Harger.

Judge Harger?

What are you going to do, have me committed?

I think your actions, since you have been in San Diego, kind of speak for

themselves.

A little incident at the hotel restaurant.

Gunplay in a public place.

I was upset.

You were upset?

You ever bother to wonder why your fiancé walked out on you the day of your

wedding?

I think he walked out on you, honey, because he came to the conclusion that

you're crazy.

No. Or rather, insane.

Face it, Stacy.

No! You need somebody to take care of you. You need help.

Yo,

he wasn't on the flight.

I checked the passenger lift.

Wasn't on the flight?

What?

We've been double -crossed. You better call Houston.

All right, look, we'll meet you at the hotel. You get over there fast.

On my way.

Hampton, please. This is Billy Roy Johnson calling.

Just a moment, Mr. Thompson.

Yeah, thank you, ma 'am.

Mr. Hampton's office.

Yeah, is he in? This is Billy Roy calling from Johnson Oil over to

I'm sorry, Mr. Thompson. Mr. Hampton left for San Diego late last night.

Last night?

our guy over there.

Yep. Look, why don't you stay here, okay? Okay. We'll follow him.

Well, I don't know about the Padre's chance of 50. Maybe next.

Well...

Service elevator's down there.

You know what the charges need?

George Allen.

Allen? Yeah. You're crazy. I'm going to be coaching in high school. Come on.

I'll tell you one thing, though. If Bounce gets his interception right down,

in good shape.

You sure we're going the right way? Yeah, our room's right down there. All

right. Miller, those are the guys that Stacy hired.

I wonder where

they're taking that laundry cart.

Well, not to the laundry room. They're going to go to Houston.

These guys come through.

I think she's going to be okay.

Dear A .J. and Rick, just a short note to thank you all for what you did for

I'm in the process of learning, I mean really learning, what it is to be

chairperson of this great corporation my daddy left me.

It's gonna take a while, but hopefully someday I'll do justice to the title.

By the way, I heard from Ken.

Soon as he gets out of the hospital, he's going back to Hollywood.

Seems they really are going to make a sequel to Chainsaw Honeymoon.

He thinks he's got a real shot at the lead.

Good luck in your future endeavors.

And if you ever get to Houston, be sure and drop in.

Well, I mean it. Love, Stacy.

Well, looks like our poor little rich girl's on her way to becoming a

responsible grown -up woman.

Uh -huh.

Not quite.

Huh?

A check.

that that poor little rich girl sent us, bounced.

Bounced. Bounced.

You and I know the meaning of amigos. We're not alike, yet everybody we

know knows we're more than brothers. We're best of friends.

We may not look or think like one another.

And there are times when we have hurt each other.

Still, we're more than brothers.

We're best friends.