Original subtitles

Awful. Awful. I tell you, gentlemen, there's no use arguing against facts.

Our business is at a standstill and we've got to do something about it.

right, Mr. Ixnay.

Our munitions factory has only sold five million buckaroos profit for the first

quarter of this year.

Think of it, Mr. Rone.

Only five million while we're practically starving.

That's true, but we must remember that the kingdom of Moronica is at peace, Mr.

Ixnay. You're right, Mr. Amscray.

But there's no money in peace.

No. We must start a war.

Right. If the king wants only peace, then we must oust him and appoint a

dictator. That's it, a dictator.

Exactly. We must find someone who is stupid enough to do what we tell him.

where can we find anyone that stupid, Mr. Rone?

I've got the very man, and he's in this house right now.

His name is Moe Hailstone.

He and his two helpers are papering my dining room.

A paper hanger?

Why not?

Now, here's the whole plan.

Gentlemen!

Yes, sir.

These are the men I was telling you about.

Boys, I want you to meet Mr.

Amscray, Mr. Oney.

Hailstone, gallstone, pebble.

How do you do?

We've come here to offer you the greatest opportunity of your life.

You mean you'll let us paper the living room?

No, no, no. You're through with papering.

My partners and I are going to make you dictator of Maronica.

Dictator? What does a dictator do?

A dictator?

Why, he makes love to beautiful women, drinks champagne, enjoys life, and never

works. He makes speeches to the people, promising them plenty, gives them

nothing, then takes everything.

That's a dictator.

Hmm, a parasite.

That's for me. Quiet.

I must think.

Quiet while I think.

I must think. Let me see.

I like the job, all right, but I can't leave my two pals. You know, our motto

has always been one for all and all for me.

Bedlock.

Bedlock.

Bedlock.

Bedlock.

Gentlemen,

so as not to break up your little triumvirate.

We're going to make this man field marshal and head of all our fighting

Can I have a uniform and a real sword?

You can have a hundred uniforms. Just go out and shoot a hundred generals and

help yourself.

I'll shoot two hundred generals.

What's that?

It's a machine gun. Let me see.

We'll make this man minister of propaganda.

Propaganda? What's that?

A propaganda marries a marmaganda and they raise a lot of little goslings.

We'll take the job. What do we do? First, you start a beer putsch. How?

You put your beer down and wait for the pretzels.

No, no, no, no.

You go to the saloons and you buy free beer for all the saloonatics. Then you

march them to the palace and force the king to abdicate.

That makes you dictator.

Hail, hail, Hailstone, the dictator!

Hail, hail, Hailstone!

Wahoo!

My good people of Moronica!

Happy to see this little gathering.

We must throw off the yoke of monarchy and make our country safe for hypocrisy.

shall be Moronica for Morons!

We will have less work and more play.

Every Thursday you will receive...

our neighbors a helping hand.

We will extend them two helping hands and help ourselves to our neighbors.

It'll be 3 o 'clock, Bologna watch time.

3 o 'clock, Bologna watch time. 3 o 'clock, Bologna watch time. It must be 3

'clock.

for my secretary.

You mean secretary?

I said secretary.

Secretary. Which is correct?

Stenographer.

I'll ring for it.

I still say secretary.

Is that so?

Yeah. Hold that.

What

do you mean by

reading a book? Suppose you learned something. Loyal moronicons shouldn't

Take your troops out and have them burn every book in Moronica.

It's not my little red book.

Let me see that.

June East, 110 Goodnecking Place, Whoopie 4430.

Ruby Clutch, OOOG, has car, often runs out of gas.

Woo, woo, woo.

Woo, woo, woo.

Woo, woo, woo. I'll keep this.

Oh, a bookkeeper.

Go burn the books.

Why burn the books?

There are too many bookmakers. The bookies are overrunning the country.

are my orders.

Hail, hail, Hailstone!

Wahoo!

Yes? Matty Herring is here to see you. Marinate her and send her in. Yes, sir.

Go on, get in there.

Please, Your Excellency.

I caught this man walking down the street with a chicken.

Blonde brunette. Quiet.

Where did you get the chicken?

From an egg.

Where'd you get the egg?

From a chicken?

A vicious cycle. We must kill it.

Remind me to kill a cycle.

Quiet. Put him in a concentrated camp.

Come on.

Come on, then.

Come on. On second thought, throw him to the lions.

But we have no lions.

How about the tigers or the cubs? Or the giants?

Why have we no lions?

Because there's no bones in ice cream.

Well, we... How can I throw anyone to the lions when we have no lions?

Oh, don't worry, little fella. We'll get you an ice... With long claws that

scratch like this. And long white teeth that bite like that.

You know...

I

am Matty Herring. Oh, my favorite dish.

Don't taste like herring to me.

Oh, a connoisseur, eh?

As Minister of Propaganda, I don't want to hear from you.

What's the matter with him?

He's a little grouchy. Got up on the wrong side of the gutter this morning.

Shall we gaze into the magic ball and see what the future holds for you?

Come along.

I'm going to take him up on the roof and overthrow him.

Whip out your magic ball, Matty.

Dickel, dickel, dickel, mickel.

Why, that's an eight ball.

Sit right down behind it.

The magic ball says you have not long to live.

Oh, goody.

All

out

for Syracuse!

Syracuse? This is where I get off.

Where is he going?

The boy's from Syracuse.

Concentrate.

The spirits are sending me a message.

They are coming

closer and closer.

I can feel their magic touch.

Me too.

Why,

you double... Crosser, you.

Oh,

look. A note fell out of the ball.

Let me see that.

Dear daughter, if you poison Moe Hailstone, I'll make you Queen of the

father, Herman the Six and Seven -Eights, King of Moronica.

P .S. There's a sale on poison at the Cutthroat Drugstore.

Six and Seven -Eights.

Grab her.

Just hold her arm. She's a spy.

She's a spy all over, isn't she?

Why, you half -wit.

Call out all my stormtroopers.

Calling all stormtroopers. Calling all stormtroopers.

What's the matter?

Quick, there's a storm brewing. We caught a spy.

Buy and shoot her.

Hey, how can you shoot her with dice?

They're loaded.

Here, take her out and shoot her. Don't worry about it. When I get there... Come

on, Toots, we'll shoot the works.

And just think, I might have asked Matty Herring to marry me.

Yeah, you'd have been in some pickle with that Herring. Yes.

Blindfold? Yes, of course.

paces and out of fire.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Whoa! That's that.

What happened?

That Maddie Harry escaped.

And you shut me in the excitement, you fool.

We must get her back. I'll be satisfied if we get her hair back. I'll take a

quarterback. In fact, I'll take Notre Dame in two points. Oh, you want two

points? I certainly do. Well, you got her.

We got to strike before she gets back to her father, the king, and they gather

an army.

What can we do?

We'll start a blintz creed.

Oh, goody. I just love blintzes.

Especially with sour creed.

Get him.

Gentlemen, study this map carefully.

We're going to conquer the continent of South Starvania.

You, I shall give, Mickey Finland.

If I take Mickey Finland, I'd better be Russian. Then quit Stalin.

So be it.

It's time for our round table conference.

How can we have a round table conference? We've only got a square

Oh, in Moronica, nothing is on the square.

We shall have to cut corners.

Get busy.

I'm cutting.

Oh, Your Excellency.

I'm your new secretary, Miss Feffernus.

What is it, Miss Feffernus?

The delegates are here for the round table conference.

How many of them are there? Oh, I don't know. Maybe five, six, seven, or eight,

maybe. Five, six, seven, eight?

Oh, I don't know what we'd do without you.

Mighty pretty girl, isn't she?

Mighty fine dancer, too.

You're not so bad yourself.

But you tell it to all the boys.

Quiet. Tell the delegates we'll be ready in a moment.

of a dance? I think I'll sit this one out. Okay.

Isn't that half -wit finished yet?

Gentlemen, let us begin to begin.

As Minister of Unfola, I object.

Your minorities are creeping into our majorities until you're making our

majorities minorities.

Objection overruled.

Peace! We want peace!

Yes, a piece of this and a piece of that country.

Delegate Bunce Rippenbuck? Do you really want peace?

Yes.

That Bunce is hard to crack.

You're using the wrong club. Try to snibble it. Oh, thanks, Kenny.

Four?

Peace! We want peace!

What we want is a corridor through double cross here as an outlet into the

of window.

Quiet!

The gentlemen object.

Appease them.

How about throwing them to the new lines?

No, let's appease him. I just love appeasing.

You're out.

What's the matter? You got asthma?

No, that wasn't me.