All language subtitles for Simon & Simon s06e17 Tanner, PI for Hire

You're slipping, Riker.

I smelled your aftershave.

Lieutenant Malloy, please.

Malloy, this is Tanner.

I got Riker.

He's here in my office. He's sleeping
off an overdose of five -finger

hospitality.

You want him, you come get him.

You don't, I'm going to dump him
headfirst into the nearest sewer.

Cotton print.

Very good, Jack.

Okay, Jack, that's a wrap for you. Your
call's 4 .15 Monday morning.

Oh, great. In the middle of the night
again. Thank you very much. Wait, Jack.

We should discuss your wardrobe for next
week. Look, I told you. Wade Wimbrick

is fine. You can handle the rest.

Jack, I almost forgot. Your agent's on
the lot. She wants you to wait for her

your dressing room.

Look, I can't deal with it right now.
Look, tell her you haven't seen me.

I left an hour ago.

Mom, there is absolutely no way that I
can get you into the convention.

All I want is to meet Jack Rayburn. He's
the sexiest man on television.

Last year, you said the sexiest man on
television was Andy Rooney.

Don't confuse the issue, Rick. You know
Tanner P .I. is my favorite show, and

Jack Rayburn is my favorite hunk.

Mom, the only way that you can get into
our convention is if you are a licensed

P .I. and a member of the association.

Is Jack Rayburn a member of the
association?

No, Mom, but that's the idea. We're
making him an honorary member.

Then make me one, too. You and your
brother are on the committee.

Right.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Mr.

Jack Rayburn and my mom.

Mom, how about an 8x10 glossy? Would you
be happy with an 8x10 glossy?

Only if he autographed it. Consider it
done.

Edie Krellman, eat your heart out.

Goodbye, Mom.

Behaving like a teenager.

Have him write to Cecilia from your P
.I. hunk and tell him he looks better in

his suede windbreaker than that trench
coat he usually wears.

Bye.

I don't believe her.

Well, don't act so surprised. I've never
met a woman yet who didn't think that

Jack Rayburn was a hunk.

What are you doing?

Research. For what?

I'm just... I'm going through some old
case files.

For what?

I'm just doing some research for a
Tanner P .I. script.

For what? I am doing research for a
Tanner P .I. script.

I don't believe it. You're actually
going to approach Jack Rayburn, our

honor, and try and sell him the true
-life adventures of Ricky Simon.

A .J., it could be fate. Don't be
surprised if a year from now I'm sitting

big office at a Hollywood studio and
you... See

if you get a drive -on.

Every half -baked PI at that convention
is going to try to sell me a story.

You wait and see.

I'm going to hear enough ideas to last
ten seasons. And all of them will stink.

Why do it, boss?

I mean, why go?

Because that lady back there, that
barracuda agent of mine, she books me

everything and anything just to get ten
cents worth of free publicity.

Then if I back out, I look like a
conceited, irresponsible jerk.

Would you listen to me?

Would I sound?

Would you listen to how I sound? I mean,
I sound like a conceited, irresponsible

jerk. You're tired, that's all.

I mean, everybody's always grabbing at
you, wanting this or that.

It would drive anybody nuts. Look, that
is no excuse.

Because I always told myself when I made
the big time, you know, I wouldn't

become a prima donna.

Now look at me.

I can't stand being like this.

Come on, A .J., we're going to be late.

Hi, guys. What's shaking?

Ace?

Ace, Brad Street, I don't believe it.
How the hell are you, man?

Still bagging the bad guys, Ricko, son.
Right.

Well, last we heard, you'd retired to
Arizona.

Yeah, Bullhead City.

But I still take a few specific cases.

I just got back from Toronto when I saw
the ad for the convention.

Toronto?

Wait a minute. Don't tell me you busted
that Canadian spy scandal.

Mama's worried, Rick. You know, top
secret and all that.

That's interesting.

Well, you know, I wouldn't have thought
the Canadian government would hire a P

.I. on a case that involved national
security.

They didn't hire a P .I. They hired Ace
Bradstreet.

Man, I wish I'd known you were coming.
We could have planned a tribute or

something. Oh, that's not my style,
guys. I just stopped to check old Tanner

.I. Yeah, well, everybody knows the
character's based mostly on you.

Yeah, it's the same old coat.

Look, it's just like old friends. You
want to keep them around.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, here, why don't you sit down?
Yeah, yeah, take a load off. Thank you.

Well, so, what's it going to be? You
going to stay at the Cotton Plaza?

I don't think so.

Every time I stay at the convention
hotel, I never get any sleep.

Phone's always ringing.

Guys wanting to buy me a drink, discuss
old cases.

It's generally making my life miserable.

So I figure I'll flake out in my van.

No way.

I'm on a houseboat again. You're going
to stay with me.

Much obliged, Rick.

I spend so much time in that van, it's
like my second home anyway.

All right. You're still going to need a
place to shower and shave. My place is

as good as any. You park right there at
the marina. All right. That's a deal.

And if you guys are ever up in Bullhead
City, you're welcome to crash at my pad.

Thank you. That's very kind.

Excuse me, guys.

There you go, bud. Good seeing you.

What do you say, troop?

Where's our Hollywood detective?

I guess he hasn't checked in yet.

Well, I'm getting to him first.

Funny, he hadn't ever figured you for a
fan.

Who says I'm a fan?

I just want to show him a book I wrote,
that's all.

A book?

Yeah. About all those years as an MP in
the Army.

Hey, it's great material for Tanner P
.I.

I've got enough stuff to last the whole
season. Yeah, don't you think that's

just a little bit tacky? I mean, the man
is our guest. How's it going to look if

you walk up to him like you're selling
dirty postcards?

Yeah, Brad Street, I'm here.

I got the other half of the Ben Franklin
for you.

You got the location and the room
number?

South side, 504, got it.

I will meet you at the bell cap.

Yes, sir.

Oh, God.

He's gorgeous.

Down, girl, down.

Hey, Tanner, let me buy you a drink. I
got a lot of great stories for you.

You are embarrassing me. Shut it up.

Listen, I'll be right back downstairs. I
got to go upstairs in just a minute.

I offered to buy the jerk a drink. He
don't even blink.

He doesn't look happy.

Well, why should he be happy? He only
brings home a couple million a year.

up, Ed.

Makes me want to cry. Ed, shut up.

phony hair, the lifts in his shoes, and
what have you got?

You.

Miss Greenwald. Get Jack.

Look, Miss Greenwald, I can't do that
right now.

Jack's got a killer migraine.

I don't care if he has a coronary
occlusion.

I am his agent.

If you don't get him out here right now,
blood will spill, and it won't be mine,

buster.

Say it.

If you have something to say, say it to
me.

Testing.

Testing, testing, testing. One, two,
three, four.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Testing, testing, testing.

Testing. Those things could get you in a
lot of trouble down here. You better

believe it, because a couple of hours
from now, they're going to be around

Rayburn's pretty wrist.

Oh, keep dreaming, girl. Keep dreaming.

I already know his room number. He's in
504.

How'd you find that out? I'm a pro, baby
cake.

And I can pick my way through any lock.
You wouldn't dare.

Oh, yes, I would.

I'm going in there when he's sound
asleep, putting these on him.

Not coming back out until I've sold him
the story for Tanner P .I.? That's

disgusting, Diane.

That is absolutely sick.

You have dinner plans?

I hope you're not into humiliation.

No, I get plenty of that at home.

You don't have the guts or the decency
to tell me, do you, Jack?

Tell me to my face that you didn't talk
to those rats at CMI.

Talk to them, yes.

Sign with them.

No. And if I had...

Hey, Troop, when the hell's the show
getting on the road?

Have another martini there, Ed.

This kit, 15 .5 millimeter, 20
exposures, and just in case.

Thanks, sir.

Rick, look, we're running a little late
here. See if you can find out Rayburn's

room number and give him a call. Okay.

504.

How do you know that? Oh, pro baby
cakes.

Pro.

Baby cake?

I didn't tell him to say it.

Give me Jack Raven, please.

Draven.

Good evening, everybody.

My name is A .J. Simon. I'd like to
welcome you to this year's convention.

Why don't we start by going over the
schedule of the weekend seminar.

Hey, where the hell is, what's his name?
Tanner.

Tanner, P .I. Yeah, he'll be coming
right down.

The seminars are going to begin tomorrow
morning at 9 sharp.

We'll be starting, thank you, with my
own workshop on how to write an

report. Oh, I can hardly wait.

We have a slight problem, folks.

Well, until Jack Rayburn can get down
here, why don't we enjoy him on the

in a little something that we've put
together, which is great moments.

from Tanner P .I.

Luther,

Luther, would you roll the film, please?

This better be good. I felt like I was
taking a couple of doublings down there.

Picture's worth a thousand words.

Hi, guys.

What happened here?

What hit this place? Who hit him? And
where's Rayburn? Hey.

Just relax.

If I were a betting man, I'd say we had
a kidnapping on our hands.

Oh, no.

Boy, it looks like they sure did a job
on his bodyguard.

That's putting it mildly.

Looks like he might have a broken jaw.

Said he opened the door, took a shot in
the face.

That's all he remembers.

Now, Tan, he better get some medical
attention.

Just as soon as things quiet down. If I
take him through the lobby now, 50 PIs,

100 sheets of the wind will be up here
trapping over all the evidence we've

Well, Jones, looks like we're going to
need a cover -up.

Nixon, leave the room.

Very funny.

I want to keep this mess under wraps at
least until the weekend.

I want everything to appear normal.

How is it going to appear normal without
Jack Rayburn?

He's sick. He is?

Yeah, he's sick. He's got the stomach
flu, and he's confined to his room.

Works for me.

Now you're going to get to throw those
jackals downstairs.

No way.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Hi, folks.

Due to an unexpected bout with the flu,
Jack Rayburn will not be able to be with

us tonight.

But we are fortunate to have with us
Lieutenant Marcel Brown of San Diego PD,

take it away, Towner.

Thank you, Rick.

of becoming a private eye myself a few
times, but I just can't stand to get gum

on my shoes.

Okay, I guess my delivery's a little
rusty.

You got that right!

Yeah, my subject for tonight is an
important one to PIs and the police

It's the wonderful world of forensics.

So, why don't we start by discussing
blood spatter patterns?

How you doing?

I'm fine, I think.

God,

it feels like they hit me with a
baseball bat.

I can't believe I blew it.

I never should have opened that door.

The night's been hard enough. Don't make
it any worse than yourself.

You don't understand how much I owe Jack
Rayburn. When I got dumped by the

police department, nobody in the world
but Jack would hire me.

You were a cop?

Was, yeah.

Santa Monica.

Until some lowlife shot me three times.

What, they dumped you on a medical
disability?

Right into the gutter.

Until Jack heard about it.

God, how could I have let that man down?

Hey, hey, hey, easy.

There's a rear exit right off the lobby.

You gonna be all right?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay.

Whoa, you all right?

They'll give you something for the pain
at the hospital.

Hey, uh -uh, no way. I gotta keep a
clear head for this.

Oh, uh, hold on.

You got some trouble here.

Might be bigger than I think.

I'll get back to you.

One of the most interesting forensic
questions is how to deal with a

body. A decomp, as we call it, is a
smelly, bloated...

It's smart.

Too smart, maybe.

I wouldn't worry about it. He'd take
care of himself.

I don't know. The van was locked. He
doesn't mean it. Well, maybe he got

He's an old fox, you know.

Easy, guys. He's in a lousy mood.

You know your problem, Nixon?

You just don't know how to handle him.

One side.

Morning, town.

Morning, hell, it's almost noon. Don't
you ever get up at a decent hour? Ah,

well... Never mind the excuses. Just sit
down and shut up.

I enjoy your handle on that. Take a look
at that.

Million dollar ransom demand.

Hell, I should have asked for five.

Rick.

Jack Rayburn we're talking about.

Mr. TV, Mr. PI.

Have the newspapers gotten a copy of
this ransom demand yet?

No, the studio just got it about an hour
ago. They've agreed to keep it quiet

until we figure out what to do.

First thing I do is get Ace Bradstreet
down south.

Ace Bradstreet, the legend?

You gonna tell me you believe in Santa
Claus, too?

Hey, Ace is for real, all right, and
he's right here in town.

Rick, I'm sorry to say this, but I think
Ace has lost it.

Are you kidding me? Ace Bradstreet's
forgotten more than you'll ever know

the P .I. game.

That's what I'm afraid of.

For the time being, let's handle it
ourselves.

I'll take care of the investigation.

You cope with your convention.

Okay, uh...

Listen, Tam, I'd like to see Berkson
help secure Rayburn's room.

I don't like using amateurs.

He's not an amateur. He was one of L
.A.'s finest.

Yeah, that's him.

Why would I ever figure a guy like Ace
would go like that?

You know, one time he crashed in the
Amazon rainforest.

He must have been 50 at the time.

He walked out carrying the pilot on his
back.

What did the coroner say?

Nothing special. Single stab wound
punctured his aorta.

No sign of a struggle.

Theories?

I'll tell you one thing. It was no
coincidence.

Ace was too good an investigator.

No, my hunch is he got onto the
kidnappers.

Got himself killed for his trouble.

Well, here's another little bit of
information for you.

Ace Bradstreet was here to spy on Jack
Raven for the National Informer.

Scandal sheet?

Who told you that?

The editor. He called here hoping for an
exclusive on the murder in return.

No.

No.

Doesn't make any sense.

Ace is a legend.

He's a legend with worn -out sleeves and
probably an empty bank account.

Rick the man was human.

Allow me.

AJ, better check for an alarm.

Are you kidding?

On this hunk of junk? Give me a break.

Look at this stuff. No wonder you had an
alarm.

Uh -huh. Be there.

Told you he wasn't down and out. Look at
all this stuff.

Hate to think it was all bought and paid
for by the national informer. Damn it,

there you go again.

Look, Rick, believe it or not, I'm just
as interested in finding Ace's murderer

as you are.

Hey, look, I don't care who you are. No
one's allowed to see Mr.

Rayburn under any circumstances.

Doctor's orders.

Huh.

You know what I'm thinking?

If Ace had slipped far enough to spy for
that rag, maybe he'd have gone a step

further.

Which was?

Have you heard the kidnapping?

Maybe he tried to put the squeeze on the
bad guys.

Oh, great.

First he's a welfare case, now he's a
blackmailer. Rick, I'm not judging the

man. I'm just trying to consider all the
possibilities. You're forgetting one

thing. Steve Erickson said none of the
kidnappers said a word.

So how would Ace know who to hit up for
blackmail?

Steve was beat up pretty bad. Maybe he's
unconscious part of the time. Where are

you going? I'm going to go talk to Steve
Erickson because if he was conscious

and nobody did say anything, you're full
of it.

You're full of it anyway, but I'm going
to go talk to Steve.

Hey, I used to box.

I know the difference between being
dazed and being out.

When I got hit, I saw a lot of stars,
but I could still hear.

Nobody said a single word.

So much for your blackmail theory,
Sherlock.

And nothing's come back to you about
what happened?

Yeah.

Maid? Fresh towels for Mr. Rayburn?

We didn't order any.

I know. I forget to leave them when I
clean your room.

If my boss finds out, I will be fired.

Look, AJ.

Another scalp from a belt.

Hi. It's Diane, right?

That's right.

And, um, as long as I'm here, I might as
well say hi to the sexiest P .I. in

America. Hi, Diane.

You know damn well who I mean. Now,
where is he? Sorry, Diane.

No visitors.

Mucho enfermo. And he's not buying any
story ideas.

Hey, if he's really sick...

I can make him feel a hell of a lot
better than any of you.

No kidding.

Yeah, really.

Well, you know, as a matter of fact, I'm
feeling a little under the weather

myself. Oh?

I hope you die.

Nice, friendly girl.

Has it been like this?

She was number nine, I think.

Any of them get through?

No.

They all make the same mistake.

When I frisk them at the door, they've
always got some script or silly story

idea.

What a pathetic bunch of clods.

Trying to peddle their insipid little
case histories.

Happens to Jack all the time. No
kidding. Poor guy. Nobody ever leaves

alone.

You know, I've got an idea that might
make your life a lot simpler.

Excuse me. Excuse us. We've got a sick
man coming. It's all right.

Excuse me? Yeah, he'll be fine. He'll be
back in a little while.

How'd

I

do? You make a great stiff.

Definitely Emmy time.

It's Artie.

What the hell are you doing here? I
gotta talk to you.

I got nothing to say. Look, I'll talk to
you out here, I'll talk to you in

there, and I'll make up your mind.

What a thrill.

Drinking Jack Rayburn's booze.

You know, I bet you that bottle costs
more than you paid me.

Come on, Artie.

I paid you a hundred bucks to do this to
me.

That's a lot of bread to bust up
somebody's face.

All right, look.

I can probably come up with another 50,
but you're going to have to wait until I

cover a check.

Why don't we wait until you cover one
for a thousand?

See, when I heard there's a dead P .I.
sticking up the place, I came and I hung

around the bar.

You want to find out?

A lot of folks think something happened
to that hotshot boss of yours.

Will a thousand really do it for you,
Artie, huh?

Once and for all?

Why don't we make it two, Steve, and I'm
yours for the rest of my natural life.

Don't do that.

That's a story on a license plate.

He wants some major musclehead who just
waltzed right into Jack Rayburn's suite.

Steve led him in, which is why I got the
number. I want town to run it for us.

You know what you're saying, don't you?

Of course I know what I'm saying.

I'm saying Steve Erickson might be
faking some of that remorse he's

He might be in this up to his eyeballs.

to say is i decided to come home but
boss you can't not now

what i mean is you just got there listen
you were a mess when you left

you need some time off look i've made up
my mind steve uh in fact i'm on my way

back now but jack i don't understand i
thought you were going to go down there

for at least a week you know disappear
take some of the time off pressure off

relax

Yeah, well, you know, after 12 hours of
sleep, I couldn't think of much except

all the people I was messing up. And,
you know, then we've got the crew

and the air date.

Then you're definitely coming back
today.

Well, I was until my rental car broke
down.

All right, I'll come get you.

No, no, it's no problem.

I'm just going to need some directions.

Right?

Right, I know exactly where that is.

Okay, listen, give me two, two and a
half hours, all right?

Well, Towner came through for us.

The guy's name is Artie Pike.

He's an ex -boxer, low -level leg
-breaker.

The interesting part was a footnote on
his file.

It used to be a street snitch for
Officer Steve Erickson.

Erickson's beginning to smell like last
week's mackerel. He just got a phone

call from somebody who made him very
nervous.

He's on his way right now to meet that
somebody and pick him up.

Like somebody we ought to meet.

Have a transmitter in the truck.

Don't leave home without it.

I need to get to the boat. I know it's
got at least a two -hour drive.

Looks like he's heading to Mexico.

It's fine by me.

Pick up a couple quarts of Don Diablo.

Why? Stripping the decks on your boat
again, or is there another contest?

No,

we're not. Hang on.

You turning around?

Of course you're turning around, you
almost killed him.

Picky, picky, picky.

Okay, here's where we lose you.

Get serious, how are you going to lose
anybody in this heat?

Eighth wonder of the world, four -wheel
drive.

Still got him, not for long.

Bye -bye.

Great timing.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, buddy.

What happened to you?

Just a little too much partying, that's
all.

Now look, boss.

You sure you want to go back, huh?

I mean, you were a basket case when you
walked out of that hotel.

Why don't you just take the rest of the
week off, huh?

Hey, better yet.

How about the two of us do a little deep
-sea fishing? How's that sound?

After the season. It's work time.

You know what they say?

A man has got to do what a man has got
to do.

Yeah.

I guess you're right.

I think he's coming back to us.

That means he's picked up his friend.

Those cops have given up on us. Let's go
check it out.

Little shortcut.

It's going to save us about 20 minutes.

Hey, don't worry.

I know this area like the back of my
hand.

I used to go camping here when I was a
kid.

I think he's turned off somewhere.

Why don't you look for a side road or a
turnoff or something?

Here's one.

Take it.

I think you better take another look at
the back of your hand.

This is definitely the end of the line.

You're right, Jack.

I'd get out of the car.

What are you doing?

I'd get out of the car.

Hey, all you had to do was stay in
Mexico a few more days and everything

have been just fine.

I could have collected your ransom and
been long gone.

But no, not you. You and your damn
conscience.

Well, now I've got to make sure nobody
finds your body for a long, long time.

I swear to God, I don't understand it,
Steve.

I treated you like a brother.

Yeah, Jack, you're a real prince.

All right.

Tell me why.

You've traveled all over the world with
me. We've dined in the finest

restaurants. Yeah, you showed me the
good life, all right.

But I don't want the crumbs from your
table. I'm not your lapdog.

I want my own.

And I'm gonna get it.

This is real life, Jack.

Remember?

I'm not hit.

I'm not hit.

I am gonna damn thorn bush.

Why'd you kill Ace Bradstreet?

I don't know what you're talking about.

I said, why'd you kill him?

He ain't got to tell you nothing.

This is Mexico, pal.

The only Miranda they've heard of down
here wears bananas on her hat.

I could just leave your guts for the
coyotes.

Right.

Okay, okay. Take it easy.

That old jerk.

Just relax.

The guy had the room miked.

He heard Jack leave. He knew the kidnap
was a scam.

So can you believe it?

He tried to run me in.

I guess he thought he was Tanner P .I.

No, Steve.

It's just his last hurrah.

His last grab for the moon.

Funny thing is, he was Tanner P .I.

Yeah, but you don't try to arrest
someone when you're so old you can't see

feet in front of your face.

Ace would have.

He knew the odds better than you.

Hey, look.

Why are we standing here talking, huh?

If you've got any brains at all, my
friend, you must realize I can make you

very wealthy man.

What about me?

Three into a million?

Why not?

I'll tell you why not.

Because Ace Bradstreet wouldn't have
approved of it.

And I owe him and my brother an apology
for doubting it.

I'm very flattered. I, uh... I really
am.

And I want to thank each and every one
of you. I recently learned from

personal experience how well you all do
your jobs.

So it is with renewed respect and
humility that I become an honorary

of your illustrious organization.

Thank you.

He's always took real good care of the
evidence.

Well, I want to thank you both for
everything you've done, rescuing me,

my life. If there's ever anything I can
do to help you, please don't hesitate to

ask.

Rick, don't. Well, Jack, as a matter of
fact, you know, this whole incident

reminds me of...

of a Mexican kidnapping case that I was
on a couple years ago.

And I was just thinking, you know, it
would make the basis of a good Tanner

Fi episode.

You do watch the show, don't you, Rick?
Hey, never miss it.

Well, then you must know that we covered
that arena the second season.

Here's the story, Jack.

Carol.

Beautiful.

May I talk to you for a minute? Excuse
us.

There goes your big career in showbiz.

Just as well.

You in Hollywood, I don't think the
world could take it.

I know I couldn't.