Original subtitles

Thank you.

Thank you.

I'm really sorry, everyone, but go on ahead without me, and I'll just leave my

batwing right over here.

I'm really sorry.

I'm so sorry about the doctor, Jonathan.

It's just that... Well, I traded shifts with my roommate. She had a date, and...

It is the fifth time since the equinox that you've broken the circle.

I'm afraid I can't allow you to threaten the sanctity of the ritual at the

convention. But I've been working so hard at this, Jonathan.

Eddie's even been tutoring me.

This is far greater than any one of us, Maggie.

But I need this to reach my last level of apprenticeship before my initiation

Halloween. Oh, you don't think I'd have you miss your initiation, do you,

Maggie?

The site has already been set.

You're one of Jonathan's favorites. You know that, don't you?

I have great plans, Maggie.

Believe in me, and you will be one of the chosen.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, everyone.

Hello,

everyone.

With my midnight watering.

You look good.

Oh, Meadows, my sweet kitty.

Are you still mad at me about the vet or are we friends again, huh?

Music for them?

Well, I beg your pardon?

Well, your plants could use some stimulation.

Generally, I use fish emulsion.

Rachmaninoff is much better.

Hi, AJ.

Hey, Rick.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, honey.

Shut up, Marlop.

Boy, this is going to be the greatest Halloween ever.

Uh -uh. Uh -uh what?

Uh -uh, no more Rick Simon Halloween bacchanals in this house, uh -uh. No,

no, no. Carlos isn't going to come as the devil again, and I told him to leave

that M7 flamethrower at home this time.

Good advice.

Unfortunately, it comes a year too late for my sofa.

Hello. Hey, Tom.

Uh -huh.

Rick.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the candy. He never tells me where he puts the candy, and I

he's bought it already.

No. No.

All right.

Yeah, I got it.

Got it.

Any details I should know about?

No? Okay.

All righty.

Thank you very much, town. Appreciate it, as always.

Rick, put that candy down.

Go get your stuff together. We've got to go in just a minute.

Town's thrown at the bone.

Sorry, fellow. False alarm.

Bad choice of words, A .J.

Trick or treat.

Aren't you a little early?

Halloween isn't for three days.

Yeah, but last year the guy in the cowboy costume ate everything before he

even show up.

So I told little Joey here that we better hit this place before he... Pig's

again.

Too late.

Who is it?

Simon and Simon.

Hi, Maggie Hopkins.

I'm Rick. This is A .J. Hi.

Please come inside.

Excuse me.

I'm so glad that you're here. I've been a nervous wreck.

Lieutenant Brown said that you had some sort of break -in. Just last night my

room was torn apart by supernatural beings.

Is that right?

Why would supernatural beings do that to you?

Because I lost my enchanted dagger.

Uh -huh.

Well, actually, last week my purse was stolen and my dagger was inside, but

without it, I'm completely powerless to defend myself.

And I'm convinced that somebody in my coven has put a terrible curse on me.

Your coven?

Didn't Lieutenant Brown tell you?

I'm a witch.

Well, not really, not yet. I'm an apprentice witch, actually.

No, Lieutenant Brown didn't tell us that.

Gee, I wonder why.

Well, he said that if anybody could find my lost powers, that you two could.

Look, Miss Hopkins, I'm sure the police told you that it's practically

impossible to recover a stolen purse.

And to be perfectly candid, we don't have that much experience in recovering

lost powers.

We've got to start sometime.

Maggie.

I just felt a powerful, benevolent force enter the house.

Yeah, that was me.

Us.

A .J. and Rick are the private investigators the police recommended.

This is my roommate, Ginger.

Hi, Ginger.

Did you know that your fates have been intertwined throughout history?

For instance, these strong hands once labored to build the Great Pyramid in

Egypt.

To honor him.

Your pharaoh and master.

Imagine that. 4 ,000 years later, I can't even get him to take out the

Oh, you're going to help Maggie.

Well, actually, they haven't agreed to take the case yet.

Yes, they have.

We have? Yes, we have.

Well, I mean, after all, there was really a break -in here. I mean, we

a few questions about that.

Stand still.

Okay. This is for good luck.

And you'll feel more energetic and alert and become even more strong, virile,

and sexy than you already are.

You sure I won't turn into some sort of animal at midnight?

All right, that's better.

Now let's try the words. You ready?

I got to work playing clothes, huh, Nixon?

Lieutenant, get him out of here, please.

Don't worry about them.

You've got to get used to an audience. Now, let's go.

Remember, kids, the safety dragon wants you to bring your treats home Halloween

night so your parents can look them over. Make sure mom and dad cut up your

before you eat them and never accept any unwrapped candy.

Help the safety dragon make this a safe Halloween.

Growl! Great!

All right, now get out there and spread the word. Wolfman's got the list of all

the tools.

And watch your tail.

in a ghost -busting business?

Well, despite your twisted sense of humor, Tal, I think we might be able to

provide the appropriate investigative service in this case.

You meant the roommate, huh? You betcha.

What were you able to find out about the couple for us?

Well, let's see. There's nothing illegal.

They meet once a week, do a few chants, sing that old black magic, eat a few

chicken pot pies, spooky social club. That's about it.

I've heard that some of these satanic groups give them some serious stuff.

Yeah, but not this one.

I mean, it's just another place for all the lonely people.

Where do they all come from?

Yeah. Look, it's a secret society, so you aren't going to get any answers to

your questions, especially if they know who you are. Hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Here's that tin I owe you.

Working already?

Working.

Working. You paid your back the ten bucks here. Did you know that witchcraft

soon in its life?

You're right. It's a mistake. Give me the tin back.

The devil made me do it. Forget it. My back starts hurting every time.

I'll put a spell on you.

I told you kids to stay out of this place. Go on.

The great minds of science created satellite technology because kids didn't

already have enough to watch.

Hang around the bookstore.

100 channels, and every one of them reruns match.

I'm not complaining. It's a living. How do you do up in the mouth? I melt.

Arthur Crumstead. You married Arthur?

No. Good.

You know what my wife said to me when I told her we could tune in all 13 NFL

games every Sunday? What?

Goodbye. I'm not complaining.

Happiest day of my life.

Nice suit. I used to sell suits.

So you really need a satellite dish, Arthur?

No.

I'm here on behalf of the Merlindale Bubble Publishing Company.

We are putting together the definitive witch's directory.

We would like to include you in the medium category.

Someone told you I was a medium? Well, several members of your coven.

Maggie Hopkins, for one.

Are you a medium or not?

More like an extra large.

Little joke among mediums, but seriously.

That's why I got into this satellite racket. I have the best reception of any

medium in town. I'm sure you do, Mel.

There is one concern that we have at Merlindale Bubble.

We have very strong feelings against including any malevolent witches in our

directory.

I look malevolent? Oh, no.

But it is our understanding you've had some problems with your coven?

You mean Maggie?

Yeah, the poor kid.

I don't know who did it.

I've talked to the spirit.

They don't know who did it.

Well, let me put it delicately.

To ensure the integrity...

Of our directory.

Do you know anyone in your coven who might have a grudge against Maggie?

Maggie's had a rough training period.

Our leader, Jonathan, he's a wonderful man.

He's been guiding her through it.

But our membership director, Donna Bertoli, she's been kind of down on

Donna Bertoli.

Your hands are so rough.

You really ought to switch to Eye of Newt.

Eye of Newt?

You're so keen in it.

Didn't your coven use Eye of Newt?

Well, I don't know, but, you know, down on the bayou, we kind of like to stick

to basics.

A little swamp water, a little Mississippi mud.

This is California.

We have a lot we can teach you.

Yeah.

We have a wonderful coven leader, Jonathan. You'll like Jonathan.

He has great plans for us.

Well, now, he's not into black magic, is he?

Of course, me, I don't like the idea of bothering other folks.

Not at all.

We're interested in love.

Spiritual.

Physical.

Oh, well, now we're back to basics. That's where I excel.

I'm sure the coven will welcome a warlock with your energy.

Yeah.

Well, I really would like to join, you know, but I have heard some stories.

Stories?

Yeah, about this one young woman who was, uh...

Christ? Who told you that?

I just heard it around, you know, on New Orleans before I left.

Well, it's not true.

We did have trouble with a novice apprentice who was spreading lies.

I don't expect her to stay with the Covenant.

Well, that's good.

Let me put it this way. She is not one of your close friends in the coven.

But why would she do it? I never did anything to Donna.

Eddie.

Why?

Eddie's been giving you a lot of attention, and he just broke up with her

weeks ago.

But Eddie's just my teacher in incantations, that's all. Look at this.

I just want a case of 12 -gauge shells and a year's subscription to Girls'

Nammo. I never want anything in my life.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

But this has got to stop.

Maggie, I apologize, but I cannot continue with this case. I'm not going

your money just to chase rainbows. And from a strictly professional point of

view, I have to tell you that your trouble is going to stop as soon as you

the coven and take up some other hobby.

Becoming a witch isn't just a hobby.

It's my first real chance to make something out of my life.

Maybe he's right, Maggie.

We just wanted to do this for fun when it started.

But I've been working so hard, and... Well, Jonathan's counting on me.

Look, Maggie, you don't have to turn away from the real world to find what

you're looking for.

I almost made that mistake a couple of times in my life.

You ought to listen to AJ.

I always do.

Well, at least...

Sleep on it, all right? Let's see how you feel in the morning.

A little bit of magic could have easily turned into a four -alarm fire.

It's all part of the curse.

Maggie, were your keys in your pocketbook when it was stolen?

Have you had the locks changed?

We were going to.

Right.

There's nothing supernatural about this. Just one of your human witch friends

bullying you. Somebody who gets a kick out of hurting other people.

I never did like bullies much.

Okay. I figure it should take one more day to prove this to you.

Change the locks.

Mrs. Stansler?

Eddie O'Shaughnessy.

Yes.

I'm afraid there can be no question the boys and I have made every possible

test. Your car is definitely possessed.

Well, of course you're entitled to a second opinion.

You've got a jumpy spirit in there.

Uh -oh. It looks like it's about to make a leap.

Hold it. Wait.

Don't leave your car there.

Well, move it. Move it. Move it, man. Get it out of there. Move it.

All right.

Come pick up your car now.

No.

You won't have any more trouble.

I don't know what happened. It was running beautifully when I drove in

Well, I'm very sorry, but if you had your choice of living in a 1959 Dodge or

this, what would you choose?

What are you trying to say? That my car is possessed?

I hope you have an extended warrant.

It just ran out.

Happens all the time. Wardy runs out, and first thing you know, an evil spirit

gets in there.

I can handle it.

It's all right. I'll let my own mechanic fix it. Your car doesn't need a

mechanic. It needs an exorcist. And what does Maggie Hopkins need?

My name is Simon.

I'm a private investigator.

I'm trying to find out who's terrorizing that young lady. Now, I know all about

your...

drive up exorcism, so don't try and pretend you don't know what I'm talking

about. I understand what you're saying, and I'm concerned too.

I've even asked Jonathan about it. Yeah, what does Jonathan say?

He said not to worry, that it wouldn't matter in a couple of days.

I think he means the initiation.

Look, Jonathan's the best.

He'll take care of Maggie.

You have any opinion as to who might have put a curse on her?

No, I don't. I really don't.

I'd help you if I could.

Maggie, I heard what you're going through.

It's been terrible, Jonathan.

A real nightmare.

Don't be frightened, child.

Remember, you are one of the chosen.

I just don't know how much more of it I can take.

should wait after your initiation.

But to ease your fear, I will share my deepest secret with you. You must not

tell a soul.

After the convention, I will possess a great new power, a power of the ages.

And with this, I will build a grand temple on the island of Haiti.

I've selected a special few of our coven to accompany me to the new colony.

Including you.

Jonathan, I don't know what to say.

Say that you'll come with me, Maggie.

Ah, now, what is this?

Onion soup.

Ah, thank you.

Mmm, this looks good.

Mmm, toadstool quiche.

It's a recipe from the dark ages.

And, um, what is this?

Monkey brains.

This soup will be just fine, thanks.

An outsider walks among us.

He came to me pretending to seek membership in our coven.

But his aura disturbed me, and Sister Brenda in the motor vehicle department

helped me trace him. This man is a private detective.

So? Yeah, that's right. I'm a private investigator.

Damn good one, too. Done personal surveillance for some of the biggest

in the Southeast.

That's a job like any other job.

Well, hey, right here in this room we have a telephone operator, a masseuse, a

third baseman, a choreographer.

You guys are suspicious of me?

I don't even want to know who the third baseman plays for. But I do want to take

this opportunity to assure you... Each and every one of you will be extended

courtesy of a 20 % discount on any investigations you or your loved ones

require. You feel free to call me anytime, 24 hours a day. I'm open all

time. Here, pass these out, darling.

Thank you.

Keep an eye on him.

If he even looks like a problem, he'll see the full fury of hellfire.

Attention, necromancers. At two o 'clock, Professor Stinson will lecture

choosing your next reincarnation.

A representative from Modern Coven will demonstrate everyday spells to the home.

And while browsing, be sure to get the incomparable Skull of Nostradamus soon

be unveiled in the main convention hall.

What is it? Well, wouldn't it be more normal for me to...

Say, Stonehenge or Salem, Massachusetts?

On Halloween, witches like to join forces at their natural power center.

This year, Saturn trines with Neptune in the San Diego sky.

There's Eddie.

Excuse me.

Well, I better go help out, too. See you later.

Bye.

You know, except for Donna, everybody in the coven seems to like Maggie.

Especially Jonathan.

That's true.

True.

Know what I noticed in the mirror this morning?

What? My hair's getting thicker.

Your head is getting thicker. Hey, look, I know how you feel about all this

stuff, but the power wagon did start this morning, which is more than I can

for your car.

Rick, this is not reality.

These people are in a fantasy world. Now, I know you have a hard time making

that distinction.

Oh, come on, A .J., give me a break. Look at them. They're just a nice couple

lost at a witch's convention.

If I'm not mistaken, those are daggers coming from my friend Donna's eyes.

Enchanted daggers, perhaps?

Well, in any case, I think it's time to turn the screws a little bit tighter.

You know, those things can be a terrible fire hazard.

Anything can be dangerous if you don't know what you're doing.

Sorry to hear about you and Eddie.

Maybe you two can get back together after a spell.

What did she say about me?

Who?

You're tangling with the wrong girl, Buster.

Before this day is over, you're miserable. The life will be turned

and you'll ruin the day you met me.

Maggie?

Can I speak to you for a moment?

that you're responsible for bringing this detective into our midst?

I didn't know what else to do when the lieutenant done the police department.

You've been to the police?

Well, let's not dwell on the past. The important thing now is to send this

detective away.

I can't do that.

What?

He and H .A. are my friends, and they're helping me find the truth.

I'm the one that can help you find truth. They can't. So you must decide

is you really want.

Because if you want to be with Jonathan, I demand your obedience, your

dedication, and your loyalty.

No, Arthur Crumpet. What's going on?

Hi, Arthur. Still collecting names, huh?

Yes.

That's the skull of Nostradamus. That's the star of the show. The most powerful

necromantic device of the Middle Ages. Brought here from Romania.

Whoever possessed it is said to hold the power of the agents.

Oh.

The strength of the pagan pantheon.

Not to mention the ruby eyes, which are worth more than Oliver making this

racket. Ah.

Thank you, Mel.

I don't want to be worrying about those two when we grab the skull.

Send them a message that we're to be left alone.

A very powerful message.

Rick, another dent or two in the power wagon isn't going to make any

It's easy for you to say.

You didn't see that big circle Dollar drew on my chest.

Well, just call up Ginger and have her put an X on your chest to cancel the

circle, okay?

You've turned me into a tic -tac -toe boy.

Hi, Rick. It's Rita.

The Halloween party sounds completely outrageous, but I'm afraid I can't make

it. No! My Aunt Mildred broke her leg, and I promised I'd move in for a few

days.

broke the leg. It's all my fault. I know that.

Break.

They canceled my credit card.

It's just another day of ups and downs in the life of Rick Simon.

Nothing... Your car's lonely

again. Oh, shut up.

I'm gonna go to bed now.

Nothing bad happens to you in bed if you pull the covers up over your head.

You're supposed to think in the backyard. It's not funny, A .J.

Come on, Marlowe.

Marlowe, come on.

Marlowe, come.

Come on.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Maybe we better get you out of here.

AJ? Damn it, AJ, tell him you're in there.

Happy Halloween.

Very funny.

Someone is going to pay for this.

Marlo?

Marlo?

Marlo?

Come on, Marlo. Get out of there. Come on.

Come on.

Come on, get out of here.

Come on. Atta boy.

Good boy.

You all right?

I'm just fine. I like getting very live.

It's always transported through the east corridor.

When it gets here, you make your move.

All right.

After the invocation, you'll have about three minutes to grab the skull and get

to the van.

Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt.

Come on in.

How nice to see you.

I came by to give you my decision.

I've decided to leave the coven. I can't go with you.

It's not that I don't appreciate everything that you've done. I do.

Well, it's just that right now isn't a very good time for me to go, and Ginger,

my roommate, still needs someone to split the rent with, and...

And my cat isn't doing very well, and it's just not... Maggie, I'm sure that

you'll change your mind once you're out of the country.

No!

Hi.

It could be taking her so long.

Relax. It's only been ten minutes.

Here she comes.

Come on.

In the world?

Oh, thanks for bringing the clothes.

You look like you belong to one of those sects that chant on street corners and

ask for loose change.

You think we got the border to call you?

Hi, Ginger. Is Maggie up yet? We got something important. She's not here. She

didn't come home after a late shift at the hospital last night.

She's never done anything like this before. Okay, okay. Now, when's the last

time you saw her? After you brought her back from the convention. We talked a

while and we decided to quit the coven. Good for you.

I told her not to bother, but she said she had to tell Jonathan herself.

She never came home.

Lock the door.

No, I mean, this place was all full of weird idols and stuff.

Well, let's see if we can get him at the convention.

Excuse me. I wonder if you could give me a reading.

As you can see, the Swami has transcended the material plane.

You'll have to come back later.

Oh, just a quick one. It's awfully important.

Ah.

A quickie of Indy.

Thank you for joining our special

invocation to the spirit world on the one night of the year when the magical

forces are at their most potent.

Go now and use your powers wisely.

AJ? Mm -hmm? The guards.

What about them? They're with Jonathan.

I saw them at the coven meeting.

The skull is what they're after.

I don't care about the skull. All I'm interested in is Maggie.

Ready?

I see some real hard time in Jonathan's future.

If he's done anything to Maggie, he's not going to have a future.

... ... ...

...

... ...

Averis Orbis Natura Mutare.

Averis Orbis Natura Mutare.

Averis Orbis Natura Mutare.

Hiya, Stretch.

Hi. Rick, you know I want to help you guys, but... Oh, listen. They gotta be

somewhere on this block, but they haven't come out of here.

We can't risk going door to door. I mean, they'd recognize us, so... But

am I supposed to get a costume? Are you kidding? The place is loaded with them.

Look at that one. That one will fit you.

Let me handle this one, okay?

Excuse me, little boy.

I'm a girl.

Sorry, honest mistake.

Now, we don't want to scare you or anything, and I'm sure your parents have

you all about how you shouldn't talk to strangers.

No, but some cop in a safety jacket told us in school today.

Well, that's good, because I know him. He's a friend of mine.

Now, I'm a private detective.

Hey, I have no idea how that dog turned green.

Look, kid, I don't care about the dog. What I want to know is, will you lend us

your costume?

What are you, some kind of weirdo?

Look, kid, I'll give you ten bucks for the costume. What do you say?

Twenty. Twenty?

The thing's worth five new.

I give her the costume, and I'm out of business.

She's got a point.

Give her the twenty.

You think Fett can actually pass as a ten -year -old? Yeah, no problem.

As long as they don't smell his cigar breath.

Well, we have three more left on that streak. Where the hell did they go?

Okay.

Pick a tree.

Ah, another Ozzie and Harriet.

Two kids and a dog.

Trick or treat.

Onion soup.

Duck soup. What are you talking about? The onion soup lady. She's one of them.

What?

Tonight we begin our exodus.

I leave now with our novice on a great adventure to start a new colony of my

where we will all be free to exercise our full powers.

without fear of worldly interference.

Cricket free.

Okay, move back. Get away from her.

Everybody back off now.

Take those hoods down so we can see who you are. Come on.

Lose the knives and the gun.

Can't you see we're in the middle of an initiation?

You're just going to have to hold your rain checks.

Maggie decided last night she didn't want to be part of this anymore. The

over there has wanted down at the police station.

Shut up!

What? Shut up!

Don't talk for guns.

Forget it. Not in this lifetime.

Out of the way. Out of the way.

Move.

Stop her. She'll only slow us down.

Let's get by the door.

Come on!

That's nothing. A little eye of newt won't cure.

What are we going to do with you guys?

Try to fish emulsion?

Monanoff? Maybe some Robert Browning? Would you like that?

I'm sorry. We don't know anybody this gorgeous.

We'd like to. Come on in.

Well, you do look pretty tonight. How are you? Thanks.

I've never been to an October fest before.

Oh, well, that's a Rick Simon tradition.

Yeah, along with Arbor Day and Spring Flings and the day the Swallows come

to Capistrano.

Alternate Thursdays.

Alternate Thursdays. Any excuse for a blowout?

I would love to stay, but Eddie's taking me out to dinner and a show.

What did our dear friend Donna have to say for herself, finally? You were

She finally admitted that she was the one doing it to me and not supernatural

beings. Imagine that.

Where is everybody for the party?

Ah, well, see, they were all here last night when we were chasing Jonathan

around, so as it turns out, it's just us and A .J. hates parties.

A .J. loves parties.

There's a great one five miles down the road. You'll love it.

Well, I've got to go. Eddie's out front talking with your car, but once he's

done with that, there'll be no more witchcraft for either of us.

Good. You have other magical qualities, Maggie.