All language subtitles for Simon & Simon s04e20 Mummy Talks

Liz gave those to me. They are designer
sheets.

Oh, that explains it. Nobody can sleep
on this.

I found the mummy.

Fish, no.

I fear this person is beyond my humble
talents to revive.

Well, I wouldn't feel bad, Ra. She's
been like that for some time. This is

Akhenaten. Akhenaten? King Tutankhamen's
brother. You guys want to drop the

hieroglyphics and tell me what's going
on?

um

Welcome, welcome to the museum, ladies
and gentlemen. The way you read these

costumes is to assume that there is a
deep psychopathology at work here.

No comment. No, really. What these
people are trying to say is this is what

really want to be.

I really owe you a presence. What do you
think?

Ray. Retired. Never seen a male lion on
his feet.

Try again.

What about her?

Bingo.

Head of a multinational corporation.

Rick... Aren't those... Aren't those my
sheets?

Sheets? Found these in the back of the
closet.

Figured it was a drop cloth.

Rick, Liz gave those to me. They are
designer sheets.

I think nobody can sleep on this. What
do you think of this guy over here?

Make oil salesmen like you. Be nice.
That's Duncan Wells, the curator.

If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be
here tonight.

Wrong, Mom. If it weren't for you, we
wouldn't be here tonight. It's a good

cause. Mr. Wells works like a demon to
raise money to make this a first -class

museum. He deserves our support.

Yes, he does.

Besides, I think it's a small effort for
what I'm paying you.

Paying us? I'll explain later. It's just
operational expenses.

Excuse me.

Please enjoy yourselves.

Excuse me.

Oh, good evening.

But who are these two charming
gentlemen?

I think I recognize the count.

But what are you? A Roman pharisee or a
head of letter?

Caesar Salad.

I didn't have much time to work on my
costume, so I just sort of... Oh, yes,

yes, of course, sir. Of course, sir.

Will you excuse me? Certainly.

See what I mean? A man doesn't have a
minute to himself.

It's a dance.

We've got a client she wants to meet.

Well, that's even worse.

I mean, since when is our mom fronting
for our client? I don't think that's

she's a client yet.

Lisa Brooks, this is Rick and AJ.

Lisa's a student trainee here.

I'm AJ.

Rick.

My sons are private investigators.

So, Mom, you think maybe we could help
Lisa?

Well, perhaps you could.

Well, I hadn't thought of that.

My boys are very good at what they do,
Lisa.

Discreet. Maybe they can help you with,
you know... Near before.

We're usually told where we're going
first.

Look, I know it can be very difficult
talking about your problems.

Why don't you just bounce it off us, see
if there's anything we can do.

Isn't this a lucky day?

I've only been working here about three
months.

I'm starting my third term at UCSD. I'm
doing a full term of field experience.

Archaeology? With a concentration on
Egyptology.

And I'm one of the lucky ones.

Most kids don't get into a museum so
soon.

Ever. Why do you think the curator is
dealing with this man, Wells? Duncan

Wells. I don't know that it's him, but
somebody is.

And the way he acted when I told him
about it, I thought I'd be out on my

I may still be.

He threatened to have me fired if I say
anything about the missing inventory.

He even said he'd blacklist me. I would
never work.

Touchy guy. How does he explain it?
According to him, it's my mistake.

I admit the store's inventory is a joke.

That's why I made a new one.

Roger Jordan.

He's the resident jack -of -all -trades.

No degree, but a wonderful man, really.
He knows everything.

So why doesn't he expose Wells?

Likes his job.

And with no degree, you'd have even more
trouble finding a new one than I would.

So what it boils down to is your word
against Wells.

Yeah. And believe me, I'm no crusader.

I'd probably forget the whole thing.

My career is more important than I found
the mummy.

I was looking for the statue of Isis.

It's one of the missing items.

This crate wasn't here two hours ago.

Nobody knows it's here but me.

Well, I mean, somebody does, but I don't
know who.

Well, could it have been in a different
part of the museum, you know, moved,

part of an old exhibit?

Not a chance.

This is an Egyptian pharaoh. The
cartouche surrounds the hieroglyphics

Sort of like Tutankhamen?

With one difference.

Nobody knows that this one has ever been
discovered.

Royal mummies are too rare for one to be
found and not reported.

I mean, there has been no word in any
archaeological press, no rumors.

If this mummy's tomb were found on an
authorized dig, we would have heard

it, no matter what the political
situation is in Egypt.

It was found on an unauthorized dig and
smuggled privately out of Egypt for a

lot of money.

That's what I've been thinking.

Well, you don't need us. There must be a
dozen international agencies that can

jump on this with both feet. All you've
got to do is tell them you've got to

watch this name down in your basement.

That's one of the problems.

I don't know what his name is. I need
time to study the hieroglyphics, the

linen, and someone will see me.

I was hoping you would know what to do.

Oh, no, forget it.

Forget it. I'm serious, Rick. We're not
waltzing out of here with a 4 ,000 -year

-old Egyptian king.

Of course, it's crazy, but the only
other choice is to call the cops. No.

Look, AJ, this is the only way she's
going to get a chance to examine this

and figure out who he is, right?

Right? Yes.

But you're sure Will's never coming down
on a weekend?

I've never seen him, and I'm usually
here doing something.

Students don't get any time off.

AJ, that 48 -hour's going to be fine.
Come on.

Be careful with him. He's about as dead
as he's going to get.

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

I have just been given some very... J
.M. was a good friend of the San Diego

Museum of Science and Anthropology.

He had an infectious enthusiasm for
Egyptology.

And it is sad to think that now that he
cannot be with us, I am finally able to

announce to you that we have found the
funding for the new Egyptian wing.

If J .M. were here, he would ask you, as
I do now, to welcome

the man who has so generously offered to
underwrite the Egyptian wing, the

respected financier and philanthropist,
Mr.

Lewis Boren.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, come on. Cut it
out. It'll be all right. It'll be all

right. Can't take some people out, you
know?

Nice party. Great party.

Jerry, you know, this is going to be a
real problem.

You're making Esther crazy.

I wouldn't blame her if she just checked
out and... That's the door to the

parking lot.

Oh, okay, Jerry. Let's go. Get some
fresh air here.

Stop talking to him now, Rick.

Lisa?

Hey. Roger, why aren't you at the party?

Um, this is the guy I was telling you
about, Roger Jordan.

These are friends of mine.

A .J., Rick, and, um, Jerry Simon. Hi.

I'm A .J.

Jerry's feeling a little under the
weather right now.

Nice to meet you. I was down there for a
while, but Wells is making speeches,

and I had some work to do.

I'd say your friend is feeling worse
than a little under the weather.

What? Yeah.

What's going on, Lisa?

Okay, look.

Lisa told us that you're a very reliable
guy.

We just need you to look the other way
for a little bit. You don't have to get

involved. My God, this is 18th Dynasty.

It's Theban.

Yeah, she found it in the lockup, so you
can see we had to do something.

I haven't done the fine translation yet,
but the royal cartouche is there in the

inverted moon.

This is amazing. This is an unknown
pharaoh.

And we have it. But how? Wells?

We'll give you all the answers later,
but first we've got to get this thing

of here.

Why? Where are you going with it?

Well, Lisa needs time to translate the,
what do you call it?

What's your interest?

We're private investigators. We were
hired by Lisa.

I forgot about this alarm.

Is this set?

Yes, I set it.

I do a little of everything around here.

Listen, there's going to be a lot of
hell to pay on this.

Penny Eddy, social climber.

And to think he got his...

Hands on this.

Jerry's feeling a little under the
weather. You may want to sit up here in

with me, Cecilia.

Don't know how you can do this to
yourself, Jerry. Years of abuse like

You know, I've seen what that does to
your liver, mister.

One of these days, it's going to plain
conk out on you. I think it already has.

Oh, yeah, his liver's hard as a carp.

Listen, don't get too attached to him,
Jerry. See, he's not really drunk. He's

mummy. I know that. Remember, I got you
the case. Yes, you did, and we certainly

appreciate it.

I assume you've heard about Gerlach's
death?

Yes. What do you know about his mummy
being stolen?

Nothing. I didn't know it had been.

Someone broke into his crypt.

It's missing.

There are very few candidates for that
sort of crime.

But you were one of them.

He wasn't me.

If you've gone into business for
yourself, you'll live to regret it.

I'm warning you.

There's Nuba.

And there's Toph holding the heart.

This is Osiris here, right?

Yes, the god of the dead.

Having fun?

Yeah.

This is fascinating.

I mean, you know, here's a guy that, you
know, his family put him away 3 ,000, 4

,000 years ago thinking that was going
to be it, and now he's lying on our

A man from a time when most Europeans
were just crawling out of their caves.

This is a common glyph on the Temple of
Ramses at Karnak.

No, there cannot be a mistake. This is
Akhenaten.

Akhenaten? Akhenaten. Akhenaten!

He's Queen Akhenaten about 1350 B .C.
The Egyptians worshipped many gods, and

made everyone worship Aten, the sun
disk.

That's it.

Tell me one thing now. Could this be
from, like, the Hollywood prop house or

something, or is it really a... No, the
linen is very old, and the weave is

right for the time.

There are traces of resin and, more
important, natron.

It's a kind of salt found only in Cairo.
It's what they use to dry it out. I

thought you said you didn't have time to
tell me. Put this thing down in his

basement. All right, well, let's think
about the missing artifacts.

Could Wells be dealing in the black
market?

They are private collectors.

For relics, scrolls, that type of thing.

But not this. This is a mummy.

Too fabulous.

If it is really Akhenaten.

Well, there's only one way to tell.

They're amulets in the wrapping.

Okay. Are you crazy?

What? You can't unwrap this thing
without destroying it.

Okay.

We can check it out without destroying
it.

Isn't Captain Midnight pulling duty this
weekend?

We're going to take this gentleman down
to the county general. Why don't you

just stay here?

Ricky. Hi, Raj.

How's business?

Loud. Yeah? Otherwise, very peaceful.

Except for the overturned bus.

But that is history.

J .A., you look remarkably healthy. What
is the problem? Something internal?

No, as a matter of fact, it's neither of
us tonight.

Vishnu.

I fear this person is beyond my humble
talents to revive.

Well, I wouldn't feel bad, Raj. He's
been like that for some time.

It's a mummy.

From Egypt.

A real one. Yeah, we think it's real.

Oh, my goodness, gosh.

A mummy?

You two are two very tricky boys.

I can't bring a problem to authenticate
this mummy without removing its

wrappings. I'm no expert, but... Well,
that's why we figured x -ray.

But what will that tell us?

The pre -Christian Egyptians were
physiologically identical to you and me.

A bit shorter.

But the x -rays would be the same.

At least we'll know there's one in here,
not just matcha sauce.

This, the amulet buried with a body for
identification in the afterlife.

Here, the ribs are sunken in where the
heart and viscera would be removed for

burial in the canopic jars.

Standard mummy business.

So you think we got the real McCoy here?

Oh, I see nothing to the contrary.

Here, for instance, is an old... Quite
old,

actually. Broken arm.

But the bone is knit quite nicely. As
good as anything we could do today. Of

course, Egyptian medicine was very
advanced.

What do we have here? Missing teeth?

Yes, two... No, three molars.

Right top incisor, bottom left bicuspid.

This is a lost pattern.

That is why I also took a close view in
color infrared.

Hmm.

Oh, naughty, naughty.

A very devilish thing.

What? What is it?

Our friend the Pharaoh is much, much
younger than we thought.

Several thousand years younger. Don't
laugh, but this man was not born before,

say, 1950.

Look at this.

Is that a giveaway?

Oh, most certainly.

Plastic enamel bonding.

A very new technique.

Difficult to see with the eye. Normal x
-rays.

The infrared, normally you don't do it.

Sorry,

Akhenaten.

Or whoever you are.

So it's a hoax.

Yeah.

But who's hoaxing whom?

Perhaps you will find out after the
autopsy.

Until then, our friend is a Don Ho.

He's Hawaiian?

No, unidentified.

I think you mean John Doe.

Him too.

I will be right back.

The coroner will raise able if I do not
have the death certificate billed

already out.

Ricky!

Hey!

Oh, I've treated many, many head wounds.

Now I know what they feel like.

Yeah.

Okay, easy, easy now, Raj.

Hey, look, I've had many head wounds.
Take my advice, you belong somewhere

curled up with an ice bag.

I regret not being able to describe my
assailant.

Don't worry, we'll find him, Raj.

And when we do, he may end up as one of
your patients.

I will look forward to that.

Now I think I will check myself in, take
two aspirants, and call myself in the

morning.

So you get all that information back to
the office, then?

Okay.

Hey, Tom.

Who you got here? J .M. Gerlach.

The J .M. Gerlach? Mm -hmm. A little
late for the hospital, isn't he?

Hey, they roll out to his estate on a
silent alarm.

Your case?

Maybe homicide.

He might have surprised the... I don't
know yet, but get this.

Guess what we found in that secret room?

What's that cop guess?

Yeah.

And I'm having a hard time believing
there was anything in it.

I don't know.

What have you done?

What do you want to bet we've got it?

What do you want to bet somebody smacked
Raj in the head tonight trying to get

it back?

You guys want to drop the hieroglyphics
and tell me what the hell's going on

here? I mean, who hit Raj? We don't
know. But we might find out if he'll

the coroner do an autopsy and get an ID
on our mummy for us. What mummy? We're

going to take you to him right now.

Mr. Boren, I wish you hadn't come here.

You're taking an enormous chance coming
here like this.

If somebody could see you, what guy else
could see you?

If I don't belong here, who does?

Hell, I built half this place.

Now, I'm tired of waiting for you.

Where's Akhenaten?

You think I'm going to tell you where he
is without even a dime having changed

hands? When you told me you could get
Akhenaten... You failed to mention that

already belonged to somebody else.

That's why I didn't ask you for any
money up front.

But you're asking for money now, aren't
you?

Two million dollars is the figure we
settled on, I believe.

That was before I knew the damn thing
was hot.

The cops are all over this thing.

Maybe Gerlach caught you stealing it.

He might have told somebody before he
died.

The law could be at your door any
minute.

Neither Gerlach nor anybody else saw me.

Of course, I can't force you to meet
your end of the bargain.

Is there somebody else interested?

I'm not at liberty to say.

Akhenaten is mine.

Two million dollars and you can have
him.

Wrong.

You'll get your money once I've verified
it's real.

This is my last accommodation to you.

A million to look, a million to keep
him.

Done.

Phew.

Gerlach must have paid hundreds of
thousands on the black market for this

Well, your mummy could fit in here.

Town, it's not exactly a custom
-tailored Italian suit. I mean, any

five foot six or seven would fit in
there.

How many mummies do you think we have
loose in San Diego?

That's the point.

You know... Well, you know, private
collectors who deal in the black market

rooked all the time.

Oh, this is the first time I've heard of
a dummy mummy.

But there's got to be a first time.

You think he just found out? That's what
tripped his heart?

No, I think he surprised the thief.

In that case, the thief is the one who's
got a surprise coming.

I don't know what you've got to do to be
a curator.

I think that this mummy is Akhenaten.

Akhenaten? I know it's astounding, but
I've taken off about 20 words.

A quote from the Book of the Dead.

My eyes are the eyes of Hothor.

My ears are the ears of Apuat.

My fingers and leg bones are the finger
and leg bones of the living gods.

And then the cartouche for royalty. I
don't see how it can be anyone else.

They were bound to find him, Lisa.

The Valley of the Kings is being dug out
every day. He had to turn up.

Turn up?

The archaeological find of the decade
doesn't just turn up in our basement.

How did he get here?

You're right.

I mean, it has to be illegal somehow.

We'd better be quiet until we're sure.

We have been quiet too long.

We can't think of ourselves anymore,
just from a scientific standpoint.

Roger?

I'm here.

I agree, of course, but we should be
cautious is all I mean. We should put it

back where you found it and decide who
to tell.

Yeah, okay.

Just as soon as Rick and AJ are done
having an X -ray.

Lisa, don't hang up.

I know something about all this, and I
don't want to tell you on the phone.

Why are you being so mysterious?

Do you want me to come over there?

Yes, yes, I think that's the best thing.

Roger?

Till you remove these silly handcuffs, I
am not going to sit down. That's my

last word on the subject. Buster.

Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, wonderful.

The charges just traded away on those
loose fillings. Now I'm getting a

report on KLOW through my six -year
mower.

Avoid the alcohol and cut off.

Uh, give him a chance to get himself
settled.

Again, Buster, get in that chair.

Simon and Simon.

AJ, it's Towne.

Hey, Towne.

Hey, Towne, what's going on?

Get in the chair, Buster. Stop shouting.

Oh, no.

Now I have an 1812 overture.

You ever have a cannon go off in your
mouth? Hold the phone, AJ.

Yeah, sure.

That's it. Sit down and shut up.

He was a staff sergeant in the Marines
stationed at Camp Hamilton.

He was killed in a training accident
three years ago.

He left a wife and two kids. They're
still in town. In fact, Mrs. Fattiger

at the branch of Golden West Bank across
the street from your office.

Oh, great.

Town?

Way to handle it, Nixon.

That's why you're still a patrolman, I'm
a lieutenant.

When a guy weighs you by 50 pounds, you
let him stand.

Listen to him, Nixon. He learned the
hard way.

We'd like to ask you a few questions
about your late husband, Mrs. Fattaker.

It's Fadakar.

Fadakar, I'm sorry.

Um, I don't have very much time. What do
you want to know about my husband?

Are you Egyptian, Mrs.

Fadakar? Persian. So was my husband.

Something may have happened to your
husband's body.

Yes, something did.

He was cremated. We scattered his ashes
at sea.

You absolutely sure?

I was there.

What organization performed this service
for you?

The San Diego Oceanic Society.

Mr. Wright took care of everything.

Anyway, he and this blonde about half
his age.

Drove her Mercedes up to his, uh... It
was like this Italian villa up in the La

Jolla Hills. Place had to go for two mil
minimum.

Well, maybe it's her house. No, I
overheard her saying how much she liked

house.

Anything else?

Yeah. Honestly, he forced me to retreat
at that moment. They were about to go

skinny dipping in the pool.

Oh. $42 ,000?

His salary. He couldn't afford to rent
that place for an hour.

You worried?

Lisa wouldn't just voluntarily
disappear.

Rick and A .J. at 6 a .m. and I'm out on
my feet. I've done more deciphering and

I'm pretty sure it's Akhenaten.

Call you later from home, Lisa.

She's not home.

You know, A .J., I'm beginning to worry.

Thank you, Rick. I've secretly always
thought you had more common sense than

your brother. Since when?

Now.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

I'm Chester Wright.

Sorry if I kept you waiting.

Now, are you here today to make pretty
neat arrangements, or is this a time of

sorrow?

It's a time of being in a hurry, and
what we need is a body.

You need a body? Mm -hmm.

What on God's earth are you talking
about?

Is that right with a W or just with an
R?

A W.

What is that? About a thousand bucks
more than you got for the Fedakar body.

Fedakar? Sergeant Kenny Fedakar. The
Marine that you sold?

Come on, Chester, we're not cops or
businessmen just like you. We need one

your bodies. No muss, no fuss.

Okay, Chester.

Did you know that Section 7051...
Gentlemen could give me a couple of

I'm, uh...

very reliable.

Now, if you know about the Fedakar
thing, then you know I am.

Very good, Chester.

You trust us, and we would very much
like to trust you.

So we're going to ask you about a few
pertinent facts.

Like, for example, you sold Sergeant
Fedakar to a French lady, correct?

You know, I'm really not at liberty to
discuss this any further, and I think

that perhaps you gentlemen should leave.

I don't think that that is admissible as
evidence.

Chester, we're not talking about 12 good
men and true. We're talking about

putting your rear end out of business.

All right, what do you want? It wasn't a
French lady, okay?

It was a man. He was a large man, and he
had gray hair.

And you took the body straight to the
museum, right?

That's right.

Well, if you know all about this, why do
you have to come here and bother me?

Because we like bothering people,
Chester.

Hello?

Jordan, you have used up all my
patience.

Good.

You're certain?

Do what? Just bring the money and you
can have it.

Akhenaten. It's hard to believe.

You believe.

Put the million in one suitcase.

Make sure it'll lock and doesn't look
too new. We'll meet you at the back door

just after dark.

I'm so sorry, Lisa.

If you'd only checked the storeroom a
day later, you'd never have known.

I'm sorry, you two.

I don't like this.

I don't like to hurry and improvise. I
had a very, very well

-considered plan.

No, it's... It's all a mess.

Doing the best I can.

You saw Akhenaten.

He was perfect, and I made him.

It's recent.

Hey.

This is a kiln. It's an old -fashioned
kiln, like for pottery.

It's been used to... Natron, that

Egyptian salt, at least it was talking
about.

All the other stuff you'd need to make a
money.

Except a body.

Chester hasn't made a delivery recently.

Hey. Spices are old.

Huh? The expiration date on them.

They're all over it for years old.

Yeah.

What?

Kenny Fedeker died, what, three years
ago? Yeah.

All these spices were bought more than
two years ago.

There's more.

Wells didn't act alone.

Got any ideas?

Whoever made these notations was left
-handed.

Roger Jordan's a southpaw.

Here's your menu.

Good

God

almighty, Jordan.

What have you done?

It's bleeding.

I finally got something for all my
trouble. For all the years.

Come on, move it!

Jordan, what are you doing? Stop!

Get in there.

You'll never get away with it.

Somebody will find me.

I'm Lauren.

There's your mummy.

Give it up, Jordan.

Where can you go?

Get out of here, or I'll kill her.

They already killed Wells.

I made him into a mummy. I'll kill her
just as fast, believe me.

You kill her, and you're a dead man,
believe me.

If he misses you, I'll get you.

All I need is a clear shot.

Try it and she's dead.

Roger.

Shut up.

You can't get out of here, Roger.

Shut up.

And if you hurt her, we will kill you.

But she'll be dead. And you don't want
that.

Point is, nobody ever got hurt in the
courtroom.

I'm not going to court.

And I'll never go free.

Anything is possible, Roger.

Just talk.

Anything can be worked out.

Stay back.

I'm warning you.

Just talk, all right?

Get back.

I'm going to do it.

Whatever you do, don't hurt her.

I'm going to do it.

Please, Roger, don't hurt her.

Just take the money. Why are you forcing
me?

It was going to be so simple.

Take the money.

Steal back Gerlach's mummy.

Sell it to Boren.

Whatever you do, don't hurt her. But
then you took it.

Don't make it worse than it already is.

So I had to kill Wells to make a new
one. Just... Just leave her here.

Come on, Roger.

You got the money. Just leave her.

Hold it.

Right there.

If you even twitch, you're dead.

Now, very gently, move the weapon out to
your side and muzzle down.

Easy.

Hold it.