Original subtitles

What brings you into town, Uncle Ray? Well, you know how I always used to say

that my ship was going to come in someday?

By God, she's finally docked. Tonight on Simon and Simon.

Welcome to paradise.

Ray, you told us this was a democracy.

No, Andy, the last time I was here, the social continental monarchists were in

charge. Bro, a chaos on the brink of a revolution. These coups nearly always

turn out to be bloodless.

I got a package for you, Mr. Tymon.

There's no return address, plain brown wrapping.

Doesn't seem to be ticking, but you never can tell.

Oh, and we're sorry about the one that blew up in your truck.

Oh, hey, no problem. A little tear gas never killed anyone.

There you go.

Some guys have got dogs on the route. Me, I've got private detectives. Yeah.

You know, that stuff really stays in your upholstery a long time. Yeah.

Thanks. Have a nice day. Mm -hmm.

You want me to fill the bath?

No, I... Feel benign.

Picked her up in Fort -au -Prince. Sorry I couldn't get a model with the FM

radio. Oh, look at this. It's in digital. I didn't know these things came

digital. Look at that, right in her little belly button.

Why does he always send you one of these nauseating things before he breezes

into town? It's like a voodoo doll.

Uncle Ray. I'm not hard on Uncle Ray.

I'm just telling the truth, that's all. The man is a flake. Yeah? The man is a

fortune hunter. The man is a drifter.

The man's here. Yo, Uncle Ray!

Uncle Ray?

I swore it was him.

We got lucky.

Hey! Uncle Ray, I should have known you wouldn't have been far behind the

delivery boy. No, I... like to make a big entrance, Rick.

It's great to see you. Put it there.

22 years, Rick. You're still a sucker for that one, aren't you?

No tricks. On the square.

You all right?

Oh, yeah.

So, what brings you into town, Uncle Ray? Well, you know how I always used to

say that my ship was going to come in someday?

Well, boys, it's been a long voyage. We almost sunk in a harbor more than once,

but by God, she's finally docked. All right. Hey.

What was it, that Brazilian rubber plantation?

Nah, unloaded that years ago.

Got back nearly 12 cents on every dollar of my original investment, too. Great.

Was it the 10 ,000 Bibles that you had translated into Esperanto?

You know, we still move a couple of those every month.

Soybean futures.

Play my cards right, I can retire in a few years.

You see, I had 40 acres on this little island called Roa Kea, a few hundred

miles east of Tahiti. But the Marxists moved in and I was lucky to get out with

my skin.

I thought you said your ship had come in.

Well, I'd forgotten about Roa Kea for years. And then six months ago, I get my

first check.

$15 ,000.

and more to come.

And the first thing you did was go out and buy a new car.

No, that was the second.

No, the first thing I did was to have this cashier's check made

out in your name.

$5 ,500?

$5 ,000 that you lent me eight years ago, and $500 as interest. It's the

could do after your kindness.

I figure that's a little bit less than 1 % interest. It's the thought that

counts, A .J.

So what are your plans now? Condo on the beach?

Well, I'm not exactly home free yet.

See those other checks that I was supposed to get?

I didn't get.

I phoned, I cabled, zip.

Even went to see the company's American broker up in L .A.? Nothing.

They claim they can't reach Yoshiro either. That's my partner in Roquea,

Yoshiro. But those brokers are stonewalling me.

They're not giving me any information.

I threatened them. I even tried to bribe them.

Nothing.

Something funny going on there.

Hey, I know what. Rick.

A .J. and I can take care of this for you.

No problem.

Lewis Woolner, Frank Bacon, Chris Marlowe, FTT.

We understand that you're the American broker for an agricultural concern

Third World Soy Products, Inc.

Raw Care.

Yes, yes.

Could I see those IDs again? Are you aware of the penalties for importing a

controlled substance into the United States, Mr. Woolner?

Soybeans? Soybeans are fine.

Personally, I like soybeans. I sprinkle them on ice cream.

It's what's mixed in with the soybeans.

Nothing is mixed in?

Then why are there two laboratory rats in D .C. with furry little smiles on

their faces?

Oh, how should I know that?

If somebody is lacing the soybeans in Roa Kea, I don't know who they are. You

don't know a man named Daniel Yoshira who runs Third World Soy Products? Yes.

I met him once, but I haven't spoken to him in months.

The shipments have stopped, too.

Just about Daniel Yoshiro.

I give you his address in Roakia.

I'm no smuggler.

Believe me.

We're trying, Walner.

We're trying.

We already have that. Thought you were going to be a bit more cooperative.

If you are refusing to cooperate, Mr. Warner, we have other legal recourses.

Many of them damn nasty.

Bring in the files of Third World Soy Products right away.

I guess the FTT knows how to keep a secret.

It happens that Andy and Rick love helping their Uncle Ray.

Where were you when we needed your help?

When Jack died, you could have been a father to them.

Would it have killed you to stay in one place?

Take them to a few ball games?

Commit to something for once in your life?

Cecilia, I wish I knew.

Because, God willing, someday...

I'll see Jack again, and if he asks me the same question, I'm scared to death I

won't be able to answer him either.

Hi. Sorry we're late. The traffic on the 405.

Is anything wrong?

You tell me.

Okay.

Ray.

Yoshiro has definitely stopped shipping soybeans altogether.

He had dipped into the till to the tune of $70 ,000.

I'm sorry.

It looks like this will take the money in one time.

No, not Danny. He's a dreamer, not a con man.

He just wants to help the people. Besides, he's my friend.

Ah.

Is that like your friend who hooked you into the Iranian franchise for U .S.

commemorative gold coins?

That wasn't a total bust. I sold 53 of them, one to every hostage.

Damn it, this is different.

Andy, Rick, I'm 52 years old.

I'm too old to hustle.

There may not be that many more chances.

Well, that's one thing for sure.

We're never going to find anything sitting here in San Diego.

Figured you were going to say that.

You are going to love Roaquia.

It's a virtual paradise down there.

Golden sunsets, water blue as sapphire.

That sounds wonderful.

No.

What do you mean?

Mom, this is a case. It could turn out to be a tricky case. We do not take

parents on tricky cases. That is a company policy.

Well, that's not fair. You never let me have any fun. No.

You come with me, see, my guest.

Aw, Ray.

Actually, this pate is surprisingly good.

Well, they don't spare any expense on these big Pacific roots.

Just like the days of the China Clipper.

We could get a little water back here.

No problem.

I cut the welcoming committee speech and we'll get straight to the coconut spill

with rum.

Uh, guys?

Yeah? I got a voucher here for Limo to take us from the airport to the

hotel.

There she is.

It's like classic.

It's a wreck.

Ah, it's like classic. A little bit of both.

Welcome.

26 hours and 7 airplanes.

You try to get to Sierra del Fuego sometime.

Really interesting architecture.

All right there.

Yeah. This goat could be milking over here, Ray. What are you talking about?

Some of the local people, I'm sure they have their customers in that respect.

This one's beating a basket, Ray.

What do they do to your luggage?

What goes on with that?

Not far, Ray.

Well, this was certainly worth a drive.

It's like something out of a Joseph Conrad novel.

Welcome to the heart of Darkness Motor Lodge. Well, let's see what he's like

inside, huh?

Yeah.

Welcome to paradise right now.

Be my guest.

The hotel special is raw chia punch, mangoes, papayas, guava juices, a twist

lemon, slice of lime, cherries, coconuts. Never mind the mangoes. What

have with rum in it?

Mai Tai, Blue Pacifics, about a chi -chi for the lady.

Let me rephrase that.

Would you please bring me the strongest drink you have?

Make it two.

Two? Make it four. Four.

Well, look at it this way.

Anybody can go to Club Mad.

Yeah. Oh, uh, race day in the rooms is a little mixed up. They lost our

reservation.

What's going on back there?

That's a little, uh, sporting event with animals.

Cockfight? No.

Iguana races.

That's disgusting.

They ought to see him run.

Iguana races?

Hey, brother.

You won again.

50 papulas.

All right. Thank you, my man.

Turns out I'm a keen judge of lizard flesh.

Thank you.

While you've been raking in the pupulas, I've been working.

Don't look now, but look at the shadow.

Tell me.

Shadow?

Which one?

Old guy in a red hat over there.

One in the blue shoes behind us.

One over here in the formerly white suit reading the book.

All of them watching us?

And more besides, too.

Look, we told you to stay home, Mom.

Well, why are they watching us?

Well, at least one of them's probably working for this show. Cheryl Clown.

Ray's pretty sure that his wife knows all about this. Our first stop's going

be over at his place.

Yeah, after we get Mom tucked away safely into her room.

Well, don't worry about me.

One or two more of these beauties, and I'll be happy just about anywhere.

Hey, brother, four more.

I'm A .J. Simon.

I'm a private investigator from California.

This is my brother Rick Simon. This is our uncle Ray.

Danny wrote me all about you.

Said you were beautiful, but that's an understatement.

Perhaps he told you about me.

No.

What do you want?

Well, Mrs. Yoshiro, this is a little delicate. We need to talk to your

about some past due payments.

Payments that are due our uncle here.

Soybean payments?

I can't help you. Can I help you with that? No.

Could we talk to Mr. Yoshiro, please?

Do you know where he is?

No.

I have no idea.

So are you telling us that you don't know where Mr. Yoshiro is?

And exactly why do you wish to see this report, Mr. Simon?

As we've said.

Our uncle here is owed money by Mr. Yoshiro. We simply want to know whether

is really missing or whether he's just laying low somewhere.

You wish to know perhaps if he is still alive or if he is not who his assailants

might be.

Uh, we hadn't considered that possibility.

Please, couldn't we drop this pretense? We know who you are and we know why you

are here.

Is that why you've had his tail since we...

The death squad, they're a thing of the past. Tell your president that here on

Roarcare, we have no, how do you say it, human rights volitions.

Violations. Don't help, Ray. Just don't help. We are just simple,

private investigators. That's all.

As you wish.

But may I remind you that espionage is... It's still a crime, Monroe, okay?

Punishable by death.

Well, you gotta admit, this is the first for us.

We've never been pawns in a geopolitical power struggle before.

Well, that's great, Rick.

We can tell our grandchildren all about it. Then we'll live to have them.

I hear you're looking for Daniel Ushiro.

I am?

Exactly. Where did you hear that?

I was born on Roque.

I can read the signs in the shape of the waves.

The call of the seabird.

The bloom of the orchid.

Also, Roque is slightly larger than a phone booth.

Lea Leilana, Avocat.

Your lawyer?

UCLA, class of 83.

The government sent me to school, but President Tiburon didn't like the way I

kept reminding him of our Bill of Rights, so he threw it out.

Now I'm in private practice.

Pretty discouraging.

Ray, you told us this was a democracy.

If we'd known it was a dictatorship, we'd have never brought Mom here. I

know, Andy. The last time I was here, the social continental monarchists were

charge.

four administrations ago.

Out of the jeep!

Out! Out!

You are trespassing on the people's land.

You ever hear keep out signs?

This is Colonel Tabari of the People's Resistance.

Colonel,

there's been a little misunderstanding.

This land,

This whole soy plantation belongs to... Yoshiro.

Belongs to a gentleman named Yoshiro. Isn't that right?

Yoshiro.

Capitalist swine.

Why is it his? Because he has a piece of paper?

Everything belongs to everyone if they are willing to fight for it.

Do you know where Yoshiro is?

No. No, absolutely not. As a matter of fact, we're looking for him ourselves.

Listen, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you at least let the lady leave?

That's a nice weapon you got there. That's the L1A1, British make, right?

out! You heard the man?

Really?

Oh, thank you.

Rupert is a retired school teacher, and he lives on the island of Rotea. This is

my son, A .J.

Hi. And my brother -in -law, Ray...

Simon. Nice to meet you. Yes, Mom, drink up, please.

Oh, Cecilia tells me you're a private investigator. Would you by any chance

Michael Beecham?

He's the house detective of Harrods. Lovely chap. He rabbits on a bit, but

actually... No, I haven't had the pleasure yet.

Mom, I'm afraid we're going to have to cut your vacation short.

What are you talking about?

Well, in addition to its other charms, Roque is on the brink of a revolution.

Don't let the gorillas worry you. These coups nearly always turn out to be

bloodless. Look, here's your ticket.

The plane for Papiuti touches down in half an hour. I haven't finished my

That's okay. We'll get you another one on the airplane.

All these people can't be waiting for the plane that's only got six seats.

Yes, they do tend to overbook a trifle. A trifle?

Okay, Rick.

Give me your money.

Start looking for someone to bribe.

You mean you haven't bribed already?

Well, it's a little late for that sort of thing, but I'll see what I can do.

I don't see why I have to go. I'm just beginning to unwind.

It's for the best, see?

I was wrong to have you out here in the first place, and if anything happened to

you, I don't think I could forgive myself.

Thank you very much.

Spot of luck. The co -pilot's in jail, and the pilot owes me a favor, so you're

sitting in the seat on his right. Rupert, thank you.

Can't we go? Ah, not yet. We've got to convince the cops. We need tourists.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure that Leo was handy.

I've given Ray the third degree.

Well, I think it's safe to assume that this has to do with more than just

soybeans.

Somebody wants us to stop looking for Yoshiro in a bad way.

If he can still be found.

What do you mean? Maybe he's dead?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

On this island, you kill somebody, you stuff them down a volcano, and that's

about it.

Yoshiro's a little bit too active behind the scenes.

You may be right.

God knows his wife is scared.

Police are worried about the CIA.

We've got guerrillas bombing the beach. I don't think it was the guerrillas.

Something interesting has turned up. As your attorney, I have a feeling you

might not like it.

It's a dud.

We found it on the beach.

It's the M79, medium.

Yes. I thought you'd recognize it.

CIA. No, U .S. Marine Corps.

This is Vietnam Ordinance. It's not even made anymore.

Yes, but it's American.

Colonel DeBerry uses Soviet, some European weapons, not yours.

Consider yourselves confined to this island until I say otherwise.

Look, boys, I feel just terrible that I got you into all this.

My own family.

That's not your fault, Ray.

Thank you.

What am I talking about? Of course it's your fault.

You're right.

We've got this situation. We're just going to have to deal with it. How do we

stand with the law?

A magistrate isn't usually this slow to bring out the leg iron.

Wait a minute, we haven't done anything.

That's a very common crime on Roa Kea.

But he's more interested in Yoshiro than in you. Why is everybody so interested

in Yoshiro?

It's part of a three -way power struggle.

Our current president, Tiburon, the slightly right of Darth Vader, Tabari's

guerrillas, anti -West, anti -growth, and Yoshiro, who could restore peace if

were to come back.

Danny?

He's just a soy farmer.

Hardly, hardly just.

I was in the bar when I heard of your trouble. I'm sorry to say I stayed there

until the police left.

Miss Leana understands.

Our present regime has made looking the other way a healthy prescription.

One that Danny Yoshiro evidently forgot.

What does that mean?

He wanted too much.

Freedom, democracy, mostly a more dependable economic base than tourism.

Soybeans. Danny loves them.

Development here is frowned on. I have enough trouble with my own sorry little

business. Excuse me.

I thought you said you were retired.

From teaching, yes. I use my savings to buy a hunk of rock south of here called

Petite Roa Care.

Not good for much.

Seabirds, mostly. I sell the guano for fertilizer.

Pays my taxes, mostly.

Nothing on the order of Yoshiro's scheme.

That's what got him into trouble.

With whom?

Colonel DeBarry for one and President Tiburon for another.

Thank you very much, Mr. President. I appreciate your taking the time to see

My pleasure. A great pleasure.

You are from the... Thank you.

Your crystal pier is in Pacific Beach.

Wasn't it recently damaged by the storm?

About a year ago, yeah.

Oh, I feel bad. Thank you.

You spent time in America then?

Five years.

New England at Harvard.

My degree is in philosophy.

As Descartes put it, it's not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to

use it well.

Discourse on method, am I right?

Oh, I see. You have read Descartes.

A little in college.

And you?

I get by.

Uh, listen, Mr. Tiburon.

Uh, Mr. President.

Something screwy going on on your island here. People shooting at people, people

shooting at us. Yes.

I've heard of this from my police magistrate.

But certainly it is more properly his concern.

I would like that we pursue the gentleman they passed on.

This cheese barely heated.

All liquids I consume must be precisely 63 degrees centigrade.

You see? Stupid fool.

Take it away!

As I was saying, Mr. President, the reason we're here, we were hoping that

would use some of your broad powers to help us find one of your citizens.

The traitor, Yoshiro.

Ah, yeah.

Exactly what did he do to make him a traitor?

To paraphrase an old theological joke I heard in Harvard.

It ticked me off.

Catch it.

Our Constitution empowers me to ensure the public good.

I should know. I just wrote it.

But Yashiro, his blood is not on my hand.

If I ever find him, it may be.

And I will deal with his allies.

But now, gentlemen, let's go back to the cart.

It's a much more pleasant topic, isn't it?

Well, wherever Yoshiro is... Ticket stubs around or something?

Ah, come on, A .J. You've seen the guy's wife.

He's not going to leave the island without her.

I doubt that he's just blindly going to go someplace where he's never been

before. He's probably got some little hideaway staked out.

That's her.

Go get her, Uncle Ray.

Mrs. Yoshiro.

Hey, Simon.

We met yesterday?

I told you then, Mr. Simon.

Why can't you just leave me alone? You know, I think that we got off on the

wrong foot, you and I.

Maybe you don't realize it, but your husband and I, we go way back.

Hey, AJ.

Here to rock out. What's in the booth?

It's limestone.

Well, if you say it's limestone, I'm not going to doubt it.

Trust me.

I got an A in geology at UCSD.

It's calcium carbonate.

It's normally found in limestone, host rock, I don't know, like a cave,

something like that.

I keep saying, all around a soy plantation is volcanic soil. Everywhere

it's sand.

What can I tell you? It's limestone.

Well, there's a case of Nahali.

There you go.

They're supposed to be here.

Supposed to be?

Well, they're part of island legends you hear as a kid.

I don't know anyone who's ever been there.

Here, the uninhabited part of the island.

Legend has it there was an ancient war, a banished tribe, and so on.

It's like a ghost story.

They'll be there.

Cannibals. Hey, fellas, don't kid around like that. It's not smart.

It's just a legend.

Don't cut that out.

Kidding.

You know, boys, I haven't walked this much since old Ron Freeman cursed his

squalid little soul.

Ray, all right?

miserable without make it boring as well.

Andy, why don't you get off my back?

You've been doing this to me ever since you were a little kid.

And all I've ever tried to do is love you like a son.

Ray, are you sure this is the right time?

No. You stay out of this.

He asked me a question. He deserves an answer.

You remember when I was in Little League?

And Daddy worked with me and coached me.

And I made it. I was the starting pitcher.

And then Daddy was killed, and I asked you to come. You said you'd be there!

Or a seaweed or something. That was over 20 years ago, Andy.

One game.

Andy, your dad and I, uh... We love...

Uh, in his terms.

But, uh, you see, your dad was a natural businessman, and I was, uh, anything

but.

So pretty quick, I just kept bouncing from one busted deal to another.

And he kept getting ahead, and I'm still trying to do it.

It was long after he's gone.

I guess I missed a lot of the good that was in life.

I even missed being a better uncle to you two guys.

Bull.

You're the best, Uncle Ray.

Hey, come on. How many kids get presents from the Belgian Congo or American

Samoa?

Yeah, we're always proud to brag on you.

Right, A .J.? Yeah.

I'm sorry, Ray.

It wasn't your fault Dad was killed.

I just wanted too much, that's all.

You're the best uncle we could have.

Well, I'm the only uncle you could have, so... That's true, too.

You know, you have to take these things in life sometimes.

You get stuck with a mess like me, you gotta take it.

Could have been worse.

I don't know how, but... Good point.

Hey, all right, enough.

Listen, we better get going. We're not gonna get to Nahali before...

Hey, Ray?

Easy. Easy, easy, easy.

Uncle Ray? Ray?

Ray, you all right?

Hey, you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm copacetic. Just help me out of here.

All right, look. Here, grab onto this. We'll pull you up. All right, here we

Come on. Here, give me a hand.

Ray?

limited islands with remote cannibalistic tribes living on them in

century. I mean, it just isn't done.

Maybe they don't get National Geographic way out here.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, son. Thank you.

Well, my nephews and I will be moving along now, if you don't mind.

Sorry these guys scared you, but that's the general idea.

Yeah. What, is this your idea of public relations or something?

The Nahali have always lived here in the loveliest, most unspoiled spot on

Raqqa. And they intend to keep it that way, hence the legend.

Daniel, it's not good back here.

You might be able to stop the civil war if you went back.

Life has been dedicated to the peace and prosperity of our island.

What could I do?

The President's guard will crush the Bari and his rebels and anybody else who

stands in their way.

This time you're looking at a long -term, all -out war.

Bari's men are pretty well -armed. I wouldn't call men with Korean war

well -armed.

Neither would I.

These guys have got brand -new British -made L1A1s right out of the crate.

Where the hell did they get those?

Obviously, they were smuggled in, but how?

Have you seen any...

Dips or planes moving in or out? There was a trawler in a cove at Little

two weeks ago.

Little Royakea, isn't that where Rupert has his guano rookery? Guano rookery on

that island?

to see you.

Your forbearance astonishes me.

If I were you, I wouldn't be glad at all.

Obviously, you're under a delusion, which I no longer have to worry about

explaining.

You seem

to have a standoff.

My troops have been engaged by the president's guard.

Someone set off a bomb, but it was not a...

What is this?

Came for your guns. They're in the room behind me. But you may not want them

after you hear about Mr. Ginnian. I have eight more men outside, all armed.

Well, technically he's only got seven, but one of them's got a grenade

so what the hell, he may get 30.

This is getting harder and harder to resolve. Have you got any suggestions?

May I try?

Go for it.

The bomb was set up by your friend, Mr. Gideon, knowing that you would be blamed

for it. That's a lie.

Men on both sides are going to die as a result of his greed.

I was forced to go into hiding because he convinced you that lies were truths.

He even tried to kill their uncle to prevent him from finding me.

What? What are you talking about? Royal K is about to be incorporated by

Atlantis. I can't leave my people. And I can't abandon... My life's not going to

be worth living.

You've got to give your Uncle Ray a chance to count for something.

You count, Ray.

We've always counted.

You get yourself hurt, we're going to kill you.

You'll have to catch me first.

Look, you've done everything you can. You must go now.

Now you guys get moving. That seaplane leaves in a couple of minutes.

So long Ricky.

No tricks.

off our taxes.

Walter!

Let's go!

You okay, Father?

Yes, thank you, my son.

Who was it who said, the coward turns away, the brave man's choice is danger?

It was Euripides.

But he didn't have 200 ,000 papulas thwarting his idealism.

200 ,000.

This is not Roarkea.

It's where?

Yeah, thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah, same to you. Have a good night.

Well, we're getting closer. That was Borneo.

Ah, here we are.

Um, Reuters wire service. Stateline Roarkea.

Peace has been restored to this tiny island in the South Pacific following

14th coup in six years. Presidential press aide Ron Bundy refused comments.

I can't understand it.

I can't understand it.

What, are you worried that something has happened to Ray or something that

hasn't happened to Ray?

I'm not sure.

Forgive me.

He's so irresponsible.

Why doesn't he get in touch with us?

Who knows?