Original subtitles

You're going to make a superb bodyguard.

Actually, we call it executive protection.

Call it anything you like.

Tonight on Simon and Simon.

I would kill her with my bare hands if I thought I could get away with it. My

advice to you is to watch him carefully. If he does have murder on his mind, he

can fool you. All we can do is torture each other. Why do you keep coming back

together? They both love to play the game. Would you put that silly gun away?

Where do you want it? The head? The heart?

That's the real.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. Did we wake you up?

AJ, I got two possibles at your two o 'clock. There's a guy with a shopping

and a lady with fishnet stockings.

What? What was that?

I said I've got two possibles at your two o 'clock. There's a guy with a

shopping bag and a lady with fishnet stockings. Rick, I can't hear you.

breaking up. Try it again.

Also, check out the bellboy with... AJ, did you copy? I said check out the

bellboy with a toy. Donnie, you hear?

He's clean.

Any problems?

No, all in all, a pretty well -behaved group of weirdos. You know, the usual.

Autographed hounds, groupies.

Ah, wait a minute.

Check out the guy in the pale gray suit.

Get the profile.

Sweat the upper lip, eyes.

That's going to open a lot of doors.

The limo driver just cradled in.

That'll be about two minutes down the road.

Everything all right?

Yes, sir. We've screened the crowd. We've checked the roof and the corridor.

We've swept the rooms. Even got an elevator standing by. Sounds good.

You must be A .J.

Yes, sir. I'm Stuart Crawford of the Theatre Guild. Nice to meet you.

You sure you don't need any help? We'll pay you for it.

No, sir. We've designed a very complete plan for the forest.

In executive protection, we found that less is more. Extra people just create

confusion. We do have a liaison with the police department.

Lieutenant Brown's right over there.

Madam, please, behind the ropes. Let's be nice citizens here, please.

Behind the ropes, everyone.

Good, because something else happened this morning.

What more? Threatening phone calls, mail?

It's worse than that.

On her way home from dinner last night, somebody put a brick through Carla's

windshield. Was Anthony in the car with her?

Are you kidding?

A fighting forest can hardly stand to be in the same city, let alone the same

car.

Well, here they come.

Back it up, please.

Back it up, please.

Back it up, please.

Back there, please.

Let him through. Let him through. Back it up, please. Back it up. Here we go.

Oh, we don't.

Why didn't they stop?

I don't know.

Probably neither one of them wants to leave first.

First one has to wait for the second.

It's a much weaker entrance.

You'll get used to it.

Wait a minute.

If we're going to do our jobs properly, they can't be off the leash like this.

We have to control the logistics here.

No problem.

They'll co -op.

Please, get back. Get behind, please.

And move it over here, please.

Hello, town.

Finally made it all the way up to crowd control, huh?

It just so happens that I volunteered for this assignment.

I've been a fan of the forest.

I'll take the whole crowd with me. That'll make sense. Come with me.

Where's Farley? Yeah, we're working on it, all right?

We got it.

Let's get some upstairs, eh? Whoa, that's a thumb, isn't it? Do you want to

us a hand, pal? Excuse me, please. You bet. Excuse me.

Okay. All right, thank you.

Okay,

the flowers didn't come from a commercial florist.

They were the kind that you could buy at any hardware store.

Thank you so very much for saving that girl's life.

To say nothing of your own.

I can see you're going to make a superb bodyguard.

Oh, Eric Darling.

Would you come with me? I need a massage.

Stop by the theater.

I want to talk to your box office manager.

Certainly.

You ever get the feeling you were inside a beef?

I don't have one either.

Oh, I see.

Part of the job?

Sorry.

They want us to keep our wits about us. I guess they'd like you to also.

Nothing personal. I mean, if it were up to us, hell.

No, no, no. I understand.

Could I ask you a question?

Sure, sure.

Do you ever do any of your own stunts in the movies?

What attempt?

I thought that was all just media hype.

Generally, the media don't give us enough credit.

Carla and I have become virtuosos at the art of mouth -to -mouth combat.

Well, listen, we're being paid to do a job, so we're going to have to have the

real story.

Oh, sure.

I mean, if this is just PR, we'll stay out of your way.

But if you enjoy it, I'm afraid we might have a problem.

Well, it's not really a question of enjoying it. It's just that some actors

become immersed in their roles.

You know...

Somewhere under those endless facelifts, there's quite a decent woman.

Mind you, I long ago tired of ever finding her.

But, by and large, I'm prepared to let bygones be bygones.

Hands,

if I thought I could get away with it.

Oh, I am going to need certain information about the production.

For example, wardrobe changes.

Hello, Earth's Carla.

Oh, I'm very barefoot in the park.

Oh, I feel like I'm coming home.

Well, I hope nobody will try and spoil the homecoming for you.

The only one who could do that now is Anthony.

What do you mean?

He's suffering from a bout of, where is my talent gone? Which is utterly silly.

He's as good as he ever was.

It's just not easy right now for him to dredge up a good memory.

The last time he opened here was in a little dog and pony show called Four to

Make Ready.

Unfortunately, it closed after the first act.

You'd never know what to talk to him. I mean, he seems happy.

Oh, let's not talk about him.

Let's talk about you.

How do you like guarding my body so far?

Well, as I explained, my brother and I are private investigators, not

bodyguards. How terribly interesting.

Private investigators.

as guarding bodies. The terminology is so, uh...

Well,

everything's secure.

Anybody comes in through that bathroom window is in for a big surprise.

Ready to go?

Where are we going from here?

And, uh, when?

They didn't give you a schedule?

Nobody tells me anything.

I'm delivered places like a package.

Well, there's a party for the theater patrons on a yacht in the marina.

A party? Mm -hmm.

With people?

Mm -hmm.

You mean I'll have to get close to them, touch them, shake their hand? You can

do it.

Sure you'll need that?

I'd hate to go out there alone.

Young man, you have the sensibilities of a fire hydrant.

I mean, a little drink now and again is not going to kill me.

No, but somebody might.

I just think it's a good idea if you stayed sober as a judge.

I knew a judge once who died of cirrhosis of the liver.

My brother and I have a reputation. I intend to protect it. I see.

Like Cassio, your reputation means everything to you.

Yeah, just like him.

Then let me give you a word of advice.

Beware of Iago.

Auntie dear.

Ah, talking of the devil.

Oh, it appears that your dressing room is smaller than mine.

Come down.

They broke the mold before they made Carla.

Oh, you're so gallant.

You remind me of Lewis Newstone, my co -star on The Long Way Back. He's dead

now. I'm not quite sure how I should take that.

Well, they made such a dildo about him in the press.

There was nothing to it, really.

The press just loves to invent troubles like that.

Oh, look.

Yes.

Yes.

Look.

Beautiful.

Well,

hello, everyone.

How are you? Carla. Carla, you look wonderful, dear. Thank you, love.

Miss Forrest, may I present our host, Cyril Bloch. This is Cyril's new book.

You're on a Christmas boat, Grand Delusion, after your play. Well,

be much nicer if you christened her the Carla Forrest?

If you do, be sure to break the bottle across her stern.

Carla doesn't have much of a bow.

Anthony, dear, you've gotten so cross since your charisma bypassed.

But, Cyril, darling, why don't you show me your beautiful boat and tell me all

about how you managed to afford it?

Of course.

This way?

Oh, A .D., why don't you stay?

Anthony Forrest, you're very, very attractive.

Hello, Anthony Fox. You're very, very lovely.

Just ignore me. I'm part of the furniture.

Have a good time.

Rick, would you do me a favor? Give me a little more rope, would you?

I promise not to float back to England.

I mean, everything's cool.

Well, you guys did all the luck. Fancy parties, catered food, and the forces.

We've had our share of rotten steak out of town.

Oh, yeah?

Did we spend any time in a dumpster filled with pork rib bones waiting for a

drug deal to go down?

No. Yeah, it was behind a rib joint.

Well, not a pretty story, but one that had to be told.

Howdy.

How'd you meet him?

Oh, don't be silly.

Hi, Deidre.

Having a good time?

Hooray for Hollywood.

You're pretty enough to get acting jobs in the movies.

You do know what I'd have to do to work in the movies.

Television.

The only reason I'm here is because our rep company director insisted that I

make an appearance.

And, of course, it's you.

Rick.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

That chap over by the bar has a revolver underneath his jacket.

This one?

Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

May I drive you home?

He's dynamite.

Take care of him a second. I've always wanted to see one of his. He's great.

Thank you.

That's delightful!

Yes, it certainly has.

Okay. It's been cut.

Oh, well, see, the whole mess was rigged up in this belaying pan here.

And the bolts that belong here were either cut or just gone to begin with.

Which was fine. Everything was okay as long as the tension was on this line.

Well,

as long as no one got hurt. That's the important thing.

Where's Anthony?

On foot looking to party.

I know most of the places he could go around here.

Carla, he's perfectly capable of doing it. Eric, you have no idea what you're

talking about.

A .J.

A .J., it was an accident, wasn't it?

Well, it might have been an accident.

There were when it happened.

I've heard him talk about killing Carla.

Mr. Spear, I've met a lot of murder suspects.

in my time. Very few of those views to watch him carefully because if he does

have murder on his mind, he can fool you and me and anyone else.

You know it.

I

find

it hard to believe that Anthony would really want to hurt you.

But you don't know how much I've hurt him all these years.

Well, yes, but he's hurt you back. I mean, there has to be a limit somewhere.

Is there?

Is there really a limit?

When an audience that's so delighted with the fighting forest calls for

after encore?

Sometimes the curtain comes down, but they won't let the play end.

Why not just switch to another play?

I gave away that chance.

Long, long time ago, when we were first married, all I wanted was

a baby and maybe a part -time acting career.

And then something awful happened.

We became successful.

Superstars.

Believe me when I tell you that fame has a way of distorting your sense of

perspective.

Somehow I... I lost sight of my original dream.

Carla, you had two choices.

Neither one of them was wrong.

You chose to follow your talent, that's all.

You need him.

Almost as much as he needs me.

We want to see how it goes.

You see, I wanted to buy Desiree a great gift.

But this fellow in the Hawaiian shirt tried him at Tarzan. And a very nice man

came up and said, don't make a pass at Anthony Forrest, the woman.

Transit Gloria.

Deidre.

Anne Starnes in the conga room.

I don't think she's going anywhere tonight, fella. She's pretty upset.

Let me guess.

She told you about the baby she never had, huh? Her tortured life?

She got your defenses down.

She's probably planning some quiet little tryst with the sailors at Point

She, uh, thinks Anthony lowered the boom on her, I suppose?

Spear does.

Spear.

Spear doesn't count.

Anthony would never really hurt Carla.

That would end the game.

And let me tell you, they both love to play the game.

They live for it.

Nobody would put themselves through what they go through if it didn't give them

some real deep -down pleasure.

And why do you put up with it?

Simple. Every dollar they make, I get 15 cents.

A happy Carla and a well -behaved Anthony make a lot of dollars.

My dear Rick Deidre is... Ah, still up, I see.

Is the Wicked Witch of the West sedated?

Rehearsals will start at nine on the dot tomorrow morning.

You guarantee to get him there?

Good night.

Good night.

Well, I guess I'll get into my jammies and just fade to black.

There's nothing wrong with your mother that a good caning wouldn't pick. If you

lay a hand on my mother, I'll... Don't you move down on that line.

No, I don't think so.

Eric, dear, do I move there?

You come down on when it rains in the summer, she gets cramps.

That can't be right.

Can we get on with it, Anthony?

I told Watson I wanted a bigger caliber. This is a woman's weapon. I want

something that'll blow a bloody great hole in Carla in that last page.

Please don't be gruesome, darling.

I'll see what I can do. Will a .38 caliber be enough to...

I'll never take another trip to Europe, no matter how much it costs me not to.

We couldn't hear the line, Anthony.

You know what the line is.

Yes, but the people in those seats out there don't know what the line is.

They've paid good money to hear it.

When there are people in the seats, they will hear it, by God.

Until that moment, I happen to have a headache. I'd like to lie down.

Carla, my dear, why don't you work on your soliloquy? It is, after all, the

part of the play you truly enjoy.

Do you want to work on the Philadelphia Queen? No.

Would you get me some coffee, please?

That's all we need.

You know, when the committee booked the forest for this benefit, two things

happened.

First, we sold out the performance.

Second, our insurance company canceled.

What insurance?

Normally, if a show doesn't open for some unforeseen reason, the insurance

company pays off the production costs, but not with the forest.

Don't worry, Mr. Crawford. Your play's going to open.

We got them behaving themselves like they're on a church picnic.

You'll excuse me, fellas.

I'm going to get back to the real world.

Which real world is that?

Real estate.

That's pretty real.

One time his company was planning to take over the theater and turn it into a

shopping center or something.

Then he stands to make more money if the theater fails, right?

I would think so.

Then why is he working so hard to make it successful?

Maybe he's not. Maybe he's not.

We'd all feel a lot more comfortable if you put that down.

This? That.

What were you doing?

That is not my revolver.

Somebody threw it in the door and I picked it up.

Oh, dear.

I shouldn't have done that, should I?

Tony, maybe we let ourselves go too far.

Can you honestly believe that I would do anything to harm you?

What fun would there be in a life without you?

It has been fun, hasn't it?

Who could be doing this to us?

You know, the newspapers are going to have a field day with this one, my

darling.

God, I'm scared.

Are you shaking?

And you're the one they're shooting at.

Oh, darling.

Come in.

Excuse me, Mr. and Miss Morris.

My name is Lieutenant Brown. I'm with the San Diego Police Department.

Oh, yes, I've seen you around.

How are you?

Oh, I see.

You see, I played Sir Thomas Moore in junior high school.

Yeah, I snuck into the Winter Garden Theater and found a dark corner up in

balcony. It was a long way up.

But your performance reached up there that night in the back row and shook my

heart and soul.

Thank you.

Afterwards, I waited at the stage door, and you came out and signed my autograph

book. From one St. Thomas to another.

Anthony Forrest.

That meant a lot to me, Mr. Forrest.

Marcel.

Marcel Proust Brown, right?

What? Well, how many children named after Marcel Proust do you think I meet

the stage door every year?

No more than two or three, I guess.

Mr. Forrest, uh...

Anthony, please.

First names between St. Thomas's.

Well, Anthony, you understand I have to do this.

I can't do it anymore.

I want out of this place, out of this town.

I don't blame you, Carla. Nothing is worth this.

Beer?

Went out to get Carlos something to drink. Crawford. Yeah, but come on,

face it. Anybody could have come in the theater at any time.

Yeah, but we can't chase down the wild geese we don't know about.

Well, let's chase the goose we do know about.

Where is the takeout window?

Where is the takeout window? There needs to be a takeout window.

Oh, well, this was a counseling center for unwed mothers.

They didn't need a takeout window.

Ah, very funny, very funny indeed.

Oh, you'll put one in, Menji.

Where? Well, right there. Say we're there, we're there. Hey, that's no

We can put one in. I do not know, I do not know.

I do not think I like this.

Falafel must have air. Falafel must breathe.

Menji, falafel must have location.

Menjie must look at Ellie.

That guy is very important to Menjie.

I look now.

Must have it. Must need to have it.

He's a great cook.

Very temperamental, but a great profit center.

What can you tell me about Mr. Crawford? Before we enter into any long -term

agreement with the firm, we'd like to know as much as we can about our

associates. We will, after all, be living together. You should pardon the

expression.

Bad alley.

Very bad alley. Trucks no time come and go.

But there must be room. I mean, trucks come through here all the time. No,

is very bad alley.

Falafel need truck.

Truck need alley.

Menji need to lie down.

Before we talk to the deputy DA, there are a few questions I need to ask you.

Yes, sir.

Well, how'd you like working with Greta Thunsen in Death on Ice?

Dear Greta, They used to say about her that she had two exceptional talents.

of them was skating.

But whatever happened to your acting career?

Oh, I'm in a street theater now.

And very good at it too, I'm sure.

Well, they're still talking about my gig as a bag lady last year, and I've done

some memorable winos in my time.

But I'm afraid my acting career peaked with a man for all seasons.

Mine too.

Mind you, I've had some wonderful chances.

Lawrence of Arabia was a mountain of a part, but I was afraid to climb it.

So I did what I always do. I drank the fear away and drank myself right off the

movie.

Peter O'Toole accepted an Oscar nomination in my place.

Well, you've had a great career and your best work is still ahead of you.

I hope the deputy DA is as big a fan as you are.

Well, I'm afraid any time that little bulldog can get his name in the papers,

Uh, is there some place that I can freshen up before I face him?

What?

Good heavens.

Well, I'm no expert on real estate.

Those prices look awful low.

Well, maybe you need a cash flow.

Is that a potential law?

Wait a minute. I'll have to get right back to you.

Nick, Nick, come with me.

Guns over Munich. I should have known.

Escape from the German bunker.

Do an APP out on Forrest.

Yes, sir. Do you have a description of the suspect?

He looked like Anthony Forrest, for crying out loud.

Right. What's wrong with you, Nixon?

What are you doing?

Well, I'm no expert at math, but this guy has got no money coming in, and it's

all going out.

Couldn't afford to develop the theater property anyway.

Which means he'd have no motive to harm either the show or the stars.

As a matter of fact, a hit can only help him in the community.

Now, hey, Rick, what are you doing?

Nobody called. That weird.

So it had to be Crawford.

Besides, I got a guy watching the building.

Give me that.

Town, listen to me. We are breaking and entering here. Now, what the hell do you

want?

Oh, right.

Anthony Forrest. One more thing.

What? Get out of there.

You haven't eaten a thing.

I can't.

It'll be a mess.

It'll be ruined.

But that's up to you, Carla.

Ruined is better than dead.

We've decided the show closes.

I can't make that decision now. Not with Anthony in jail.

Carla, open your eyes.

Anthony is washed up.

Watts is the only producer in the country that would give him a chance

this. Good God, the man is a psychopath.

I won't listen to any more of this. No.

I'll sleep on it, and I'll give you... ...to cancel the performance, Watts, and

that man is dangerous.

For God's sake, Anthony, don't do this. Haven't you played the fool enough

times? I finally figured it out.

Nobody's after Carla.

You are after me. What? Yes, you. Well, think about it.

If this benefit is a success, the forests will once again be in demand.

Now, who amongst us would most like that not to happen?

That's crazy, Anthony. What do I have to gain?

What do you have to gain? My wife.

For instance.

She's not your wife anymore.

Would you put that silly gun away? She is still my wife, you two -bit gigolo.

Now, where do you want it? The head, the heart, or where you've been trying to

get me recently?

She's the only woman I've ever loved. Can you understand that?

And the idea of a miserable worm like you sullying her incomparable beauty.

Anthony. Really?

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. Did we wake you up?

Quite frankly.

I'm ashamed of you.

I thought you knew every bowling alley. What are you doing? I'm just about to

kill your protege.

But before I do, I'd like you to hear his confession of treachery. What

treachery? He's the one behind all the murder attempts.

The attack on the car, the lowering of the boom, the shooting.

Carla, I would never do anything like that. Anthony, will you cut it out? Let

him have his fun. Is a flag going to come popping out of there, Anthony? I

think so.

It's a real gun.

There are no bullets in the cylinder.

The one you can't see is the one you have to worry about.

Hammer's cocked.

What about it, Anthony?

Do you have a slug in there?

Oh, I know what you're thinking to yourself.

Is there a bullet in there or not?

Well, to be perfectly honest with you, in all the excitement, I forgot myself.

Shall we find out together?

The question you have to ask yourself is, do I feel lucky?

I didn't do it, Anthony. I swear I did not.

It's loaded.

Not funny. It wasn't meant to be funny.

I had to find out if he was the one.

I apologize, darling. I didn't... Could

you help me?

Would you like some more water, darling? No, thank you. I'm fine now.

Okay, town.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Lieutenant Brown met with the deputy D .A. and somehow managed to convince him

that there is not a solid case against you.

Yet. So there will be no charges for the present. Watson, make sure that the

lieutenant has house seats for the benefit of... Well, Anthony, Carla has

thinking about postponing. Don't be ridiculous. I feel great.

I've got my man back.

I think that's my exit, Q.

Yeah, just a moment, actually. I think we're going to need your help.

If we're going to do our jobs protecting Anthony and Carla, we've got to be with

them all the time. Now, it's one thing when we're up here in the room or in the

limo.

Or even backstage.

But when they are actually on stage... AJ.

Of course.

Of course there are two non -speaking roles you cut in rehearsals. I can put

them back. Wait a minute. You're going to put them on stage?

Why not?

Why not?

Why not?

I've got to carry a bottle on stage. What do you think? I can't carry a

You can carry a bottle.

A bottle can get awfully heavy in front of a thousand people.

You can say what you like about the man.

He's not here to defend himself.

Then I'll just go and get him. He's in the potting shed.

You get out on that stage now.

Right, right. Hurry up. No problem, no problem. I can only conclude that my

wife... Here we go.

Is that your son, Celia?

It looks like him, doesn't it? I didn't know he was an actor.

Neither did I.

Neither does he.

Ah, Phillips.

How good of you to bring the brandy.

What have you been doing?

Aging it?

You may set it down on the table.

I'll do it myself.

You may leave the room now, Phillips.

Leave.

I thought we'd at least be gone long enough for your usual session of slap

tickle in the conservatory.

All right, enough then. You were better as a tree.

I'm going to change my costume.

You've been pruning the bougainvillea all day.

If you even touch my mother's bougainvilleas again, I will fire you.

Keep your mitts off her mother's bougainvillea.

And for... Goodness sake, do something about those shoes.

I don't like the way you've been acting. I don't like it at all.

Well, if you're dissatisfied... Oh, Simon. We can change things around for

better. You look just fine out there.

I can not... I can... It's going great. Great!

It's over. It was just a passing thing.

I promise, never again.

Never again is right.

Please, not in front of Phillips.

Phillips, you may leave the room. Don't shoot that gun.

Phillips, leave the room.

I thought you said he didn't do windows.

Well, thanks, guys.

the amateur theatrics of philip the butler the actor's name was not

press time it was a stunning production and this reviewer's opinion that the

forest's star will soon be shining brighter than ever oh they won't be too

to watson will they a producer who can sell 600 of an uninsured play can't be

all bad no wonder he wanted the show to close before we opened i'm sorry to

disappoint you but i think we have a hit well we lost a producer but we have our

director Also our best man. And I never walk away from a hit.

I'll check the limo.

You're getting married again?

Well, the first time was merely a rehearsal.

This is the performance.

And we intend to run for a long, long time.

Here, here. Well, give my regards to Broadway. Thank you. You bet we will.

thank you all.

I'll see you opening night.

Break a leg, darling.