All language subtitles for Simon & Simon s03e01 Grand Illusion

You might find a very stiff finger poked
into those private eyes.

Why are you climbing?

It's only magic.

You think you can climb over me and push
this punk to the top with my tricks?

No, you're not getting away with this.
The only real magic is one mind

manipulating another.

Rick, come on, this is no time to fool
around. Rick, just come on, don't fall.

Why do I tell myself these

things that happen are all really true?

When in my heart I know the magic is my
love.

tournament of magic.

But I have asked each of our magicians
to save their greatest feat of magic for

their fourth and final illusion.

And now, to astound and perplex you with
this fourth and final ultimate

illusion, please welcome...

only magic.

At least I think so.

I mean, sometimes I wonder.

That's why I do it.

So I can find out.

I want to know what it feels like to be
here and then disappear.

Brave magicians have always been
fascinated by death.

It's a land or a beginning.

What is that moment of crossing over
really like?

The great Houdini left specific
instructions with his wife that he'd

back after the grave.

But he never did.

Lebeau. Lebeau, he's doing my tricks.

Where's Lebeau? He's got to see this.

Are you ready? He's in that tradition.

that I have designed my water casket in
hopes that it will give us an insight

into the moment of death and the moment
of rebirth.

No, but that's mine!

What are you doing?

Yeah, but that's mine!

What are you doing?

Take your hands off me.

I should have had my hands around your
throat, LeBeau.

You think you can climb over me and push
this punk to the top with my tricks?

Oh, no.

No, you're not getting away with this.

Neither damn one of you. Come on.

frankly I am disappointed in this new
generation of car thieves that can't

steal a sure thing you left your keys in
the 57 again now when it was my car

I could understand that I mean that's
the way you treat my thing but now that

is your car I would expect you to have
more respect for

Where'd you get a knitting needle?

Jay, you have just witnessed a minor
miracle, and you are worried about where

the props come from.

Not a minor miracle. It's a magic trick.
It's a simple magic trick. Yeah, well,

it's a pretty damn good magic trick,
which, by the way, you are more than

welcome to try if you'd care to. No, I
don't want to try it. What, and I

to ask, has rekindled your interest in
prestidigitation?

I thought you would never ask.

Well, I did. You're looking at it.

Barnaby, one name, huh? No, three names.
Barnaby the Great.

Remember all those magic tricks I fooled
you with when we were kids? Right out

of that book.

Yeah, sometimes. And I saw through most
of them. Right. Well, at any rate,

Barney wants to hire us.

You drive.

Rick, Rick.

Keys. Keys, keys. Yes, indeed.

We can take the 57.

We can always take your car if you
wanted to do that.

But if you're going to drive, you'll
probably want your driver's license.

Come on, A .J., just admit it. I was a
pretty good magician when I was 12. I

fooled you every time. Big
accomplishment.

When you were 12, I was 6, 7? 7.

Well, I can work with anything. Want to
see you with a cheetah? No. Oh, oh, he's

only teasing.

Besides, we sold all the cheetahs. Good.

I'm Lorna, Barnaby's wife.

A .J. Simon. Hi, I'm Rick. Nice to meet
you. Nice to meet you.

Oh, no, no more drinks.

Come on, fellas.

Excuse us.

Bye -bye.

If Lorna hadn't pulled me off twists
last night, I might not have let him up.

I've never been violent, but, well, I
was way out of control.

Well, yeah, but now you've had a chance
to cool off a little bit. I mean, what's

one magic trick, more or less?

Well, in the case of the water casket,
if you happen to be out of a twist

it means more. A whole lot more.

I'd heard that he'd taken out a half a
million dollars worth of insurance on

act. Now I know why.

He's going to win big with it.

As for me, it's back to the old
standbys.

Well, I might as well do this tonight.

Hell,

even when I was setting up the mirror
illusion, I knew that... Well, it's just

too complicated.

There's no time to figure angles,
lighting.

You can't do this to me.

I work too long to get where I am.

What did you mean when you said that
Twist was going to win with your

Well, the Tournament of Magic, that's
what we're doing.

It kicks off the booking season every
year.

If you win, you get the rich roadshows
and the big clubs.

You lose, it's a long winter of rotary
luncheons and Boy Scout banquets.

Now, I'm 57 years old, and I'm not one
bit sorry for myself, because I'm a damn

good magician.

I'm 57 times better than that punk will
ever be.

Now, I don't want him to get away with
this.

My wife says next year.

Well, I love her for what she's trying
to do, but... You know what I'm saying?

Sure. You want a piece of him.

All right, we'll go after him.

But I'm still not quite sure what's been
stolen here. I mean, Twist built his

own casket. He didn't take yours.

Ah, it's worse than that.

He did the magic.

Well, somehow he spied on me.

Took my notes, took the plans from
Zoltan.

Besides Lorna and me, he's the only one
who knew how the illusion worked. Who is

Zoltan? Well, he's a master craftsman.

He built the props for most major
magicians in the West.

Including Twist?

Yes. No, but he didn't know Twist had
the water casket.

And Zoltan wouldn't lie to me. We're
very old friends.

And besides, if he gave away secrets, it
wouldn't be in the business very long.

Well done.

It's just second nature.

Death.

We faced it together.

We caused it together.

Barnaby was young for your army, but he
was very clever.

So clever that he was OSS.

In 1945, he parachuted into my country
to help the partisans with sabotage. I

was in the underground.

We escaped together in a hay cart, under
the hay.

And the Germans are poked for us with
their pitchforks.

And after the war, he brought you over
here?

I'd been a carpenter before, and
together we built booby traps.

Very clever ones he designed them. I
built the shop with a natural fit.

Barnaby set me up, sent people to me,
gave me work.

I would kill for him.

Now...

Hold your coat.

Barnaby and Twist were always
professional rivals, but nothing like

right? Twist, that arrogant young snake.
That thief.

He's no magician.

Lasers. Holograms. Special effects.

If you feel anything, tell me.

You'll be the first to know.

Now, all this gear is pretty expensive.
How did a young guy like Twist get cash

out? It was Morris Lebo.

He owns the Magic Arts Theater.

Barnaby has never been foolish enough to
take his money. But the ones like Twist

are quick enough into his snare. He
enjoys having them to squeeze. And he

how to protect his environment.

I don't follow you. Lebo arranged the
order of appearance last night. He made

sure that Twist went before Barnaby.
That way, Twist did the water casket

The guy not only stacks the deck, he
owns the card factory.

Could I just try one of these? No.

No, Rick, come on. I'm serious.

I'm absolutely serious.

Don't worry about it. Rick, come on.
This is no time to fool around.

I'm not fooling around. I mean it, Rick.

Hey, don't come on. Look, look, Rick,
just come on. Don't fool around. Oh,

Like you said, it's just a trick.

He must be Dooley, right?

Yeah. This must be Barnaby's.

Here's Garibaldi's cabinet.

Just a little bit. Don't touch!

Look, we got a rule.

Except for the magicians, nobody handles
the tricks but me.

After last night, that goes double. Good
rule.

Except that Barnaby hired us this
morning to protect his tricks.

In fact, we were with him when he dusted
this thing off and decided to use it.

Well, okay, if you're working for him.

Over there.

Prop room.

All

right,

I'll take it from here.

See, nobody gets in the prop room but
me.

Oh, and Mr. LeBeau.

I really think we ought to take a look
in there.

Well, you can't.

There's a security.

Yeah, that's why we got to see is on
account of lack of security.

Call Barnaby. He'll give you permission.

Why don't you call the police instead,
Dewey?

I'm sorry, Mr.

Twist. I told them to scram, but they
were helping me get Barnaby's Garibaldi,

and that's... Hey, look, it's not his
fault.

Besides, from what we've heard, if
anybody's got a right to complain about

security around here, it's Barnaby.

Where's Lebeau?

He doesn't usually get in until around
five.

Well, then call the police.

Mr. Twist.

Hey, Mr. Twist. Hey, look, we're private
detectives.

Everything's perfectly official. Now,
what's the problem?

You lie. Now, you will admit that it's
just a little coincidental. I mean, two

magicians coming up with the same idea
at the same time.

Why would I admit that?

Thank you.

Hi. Oh, I thought you might have had
second thoughts.

About to act a little more your own age.

You know, between me and this trick,
we're old enough to be your

grandfather.

Don't even joke like that, Barnaby.

I wish none of this had ever happened.

But we'll get through it.

Of course we'll get through it.

I hope when we do it, we just don't lay
one of these.

Hey, stand by, fellas.

Why the excitement?

It's only magic.

At least I think so.

I mean, sometimes I wonder.

That's why I do it.

So I can find out.

I want to know what it feels like to be
here and then disappear.

I'm going to hand it to him. He is good.

Oh, shoot, Rick.

You could put him to shame if you were
up there with your balloon and your

knitting needle.

I've always been fascinated by death.

Is it an end or a beginning?

What is that moment of crossing over
really like?

The great Houdini left specific
instructions with his wife that he'd

back after the grave.

But he never did.

Are you ready? Ready.

It is in that tradition that I have
designed my water castle.

In hopes...

It'll give us an insight into the moment
of death and to the moment of rebirth.

One!

and this thing murdered.

Well, that's ridiculous.

It was an accident.

No. Uh -uh.

A light socket on the casket had been
drilled all the way through to the

When the juice came on, the whole thing
turned into one big electric circuit.

It was no accident.

I didn't kill him.

Nobody said you did.

Not yet, at least.

Morning, Rick.

Hey, Jay.

Have a nice day.

Let me know this guy's part of me.

There. Some homicide.

See, this one's Rubio.

His partner is Knudsen.

They're okay, as far as it goes.

Someday you'll have to explain that
crack to me.

We need to have a little talk, Mr.
Barnaby, and your wife, too.

Well, I'll have to wake her.

She didn't get much sleep after last
night.

We live next door. I'll just tag along.

Listen, they're not going to let us
stick around, so we'll get busy, okay?

Now, I don't expect you to get involved
with any more of this.

No, we're still trying to prove he stole
your trick to begin with.

It hardly matters now, does it?

Do I detect a note of fatalism in our
man's voice?

Come on, Rubio, be nice to him. He's a
decent enough guy.

So am I, as far as it goes.

Oh, Rubio, that's... Oh, very quick
-witted. Yes, indeed.

Are you taking him in? Just talk for
now.

But it looks kind of grim for him,
doesn't it? When it comes to suspects,

there's Barnaby and the rest of the
world is tied for second place.

Rubio, I can't tell you how disappointed
I am in you.

Now, where is that restless
intelligence, the probing powers of

sneaky, suspicious little mind we've all
come to know and love, huh?

Don't need it.

That's why homicide is such boring work.

Yeah, yeah.

Things usually turn out to be exact.

He goes, man, well suited to his job.

This strike here is just a little
coincidental that so soon after taking

life insurance policy on himself, Twist
is dead.

We should find out who's got the lucky
claim back.

What?

Oh, a what?

Oh, quite right.

Very wise. Never too much. Absolutely.

And you couldn't have picked a better
outfit, a firm, than Certified National.

Why exactly did you choose us?

Oh, that lovely advert you have on the
telly.

You know the one where God reaches down
and snatches up the station wagon just

as the family plunges off the cliff, and
then the angels carry it up to heaven?

That's a spy.

Absolutely inspire.

Charming. Charming.

What amount, in general terms, are we
talking about?

Of course, it's all the Wedgewood.

And then I'm afraid there really was a
rather fine Rembrandt. Oh, forget about

Roll Royce. And the roll.

Oh, good Lord.

Excuse me for a moment, Mr. Claversham.

I don't know who you are, friend. Ernie
Boyer, Sacramento.

Hiya, Purse.

Boyer? Don't you people ever read the
bulletins we send out? I swear, I don't

know why we even write damn things. Just
cool it, Purse. I'm going to be taking

you along in a jiffy.

Percy Fabersham, alias Lord Denton Wilt
Duke, alias the Earl of

Dumbarton. How many times have you been
killed, Purse?

Seven. That many? Yes.

Loves to go up in a big fire.

Of course, he always takes Rembrandt
right along with him.

And that accidental death rider has made
his sister the richest woman in five

states.

All right, Chris, come on, let's hit the
road.

It's a lucky thing I was in town for
that Oliver Twist scam or you'd have

number eight. Twist scam?

What do you mean, Twist scam?

You really don't read the bulletins, do
you?

Twist is an artist.

I mean, he is beautiful. He just left
the boys over at Federated Casualty

holding a sock for a quarter mil.

I'm telling you, the man that sold him
that policy is going to be writing up

insurance at the airport the rest of his
life.

What sort of a million dollars?

Yeah. That's smashing.

You mean Oliver Twist, the magician who
was killed last night?

You wrote him up, too, huh?

Half a million.

Accident and death right after another
half.

A million dollars.

That's jolly good.

Better than anything you ever did. Look,
I'll tell you what. I'd better just

write this thing up right here. Maybe I
can keep you out of the airport if you

know what I mean. Who was the
beneficiary on this policy?

Maurice Lebeau. Say again?

Maurice Lebeau. Maurice Lebeau.

Magic Arts Theater.

Magic Arts Theater.

Why, that's almost 800 ,000 pounds.

Damn near it. Oh, good show.

I say.

Oh, you too. Just get out of here, all
right?

Look, I've answered all the cops'
questions. I don't have to answer yours.

might like to. Yeah, especially when you
hear the topic.

Insurance. Ah, you mean my policy with
Twist.

That's called partnership insurance
that's done every day in business.

You know, it is incredible to me.

Everyone is in such a damn hurry to pin
a murder, and yet not a soul is mourning

Oliver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so
right.

We hardly knew the man, but we didn't
like him either.

Yeah. He was a bit of a hothead, so
what? He was a bit of a prima donna, so

what? But he was on his way. I mean, the
man was a rocket.

He was a star.

You sure hitched your wagon to him,
didn't you?

And rolled it right over Barnaby.

Gentlemen, there are five doors marked
exit.

Use as many as you need.

Oh, and by the way, stay out of my
business.

You might find a very stiff finger poked
into those private eyes.

Seriously?

I'll take those three. Yeah, I'll use
the two on the right here.

Hey, Gene.

You've got to replace this weather
stripping.

Taking a pretty awful beating there,
don't you think?

Maybe it was Mom.

She's got a key.

Well, maybe she lost it.

Maybe it was nobody.

Not exactly.

I'll tell you, that's one tough lock.

Hadn't been for y 'all, we'd have never
got in here.

Thank you very much.

Who are you?

We're just a couple of independent
businessmen.

Why don't you drop that thing and come
on down here?

This? Move.

Mr. LeBow has asked us to stop by here
and pass on two or three good reasons.

Why, y 'all should stay out of his
business.

Hey, pay attention!

Hey!

Yeah,

my kind of suspect.

got something good.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Female suspect for you, Maurice Lebeau,
had a huge life insurance policy on

Twist. How's that tickle your fancy?

What's the point?

Well, it's kind of an age -old motive,
Rubio.

Greed?

It's a top tenner, all right.

Lebeau had motive, access, and know
-how.

You know, you two really are good.

Aw. Of course, I got something a little
more concrete.

We got the lab report back about 20
minutes ago.

The light bulb that was screwed into the
socket had some fingerprints on it.

They belonged to one George DeCova.
Who's DeCova?

What?

George DeCova.

Also known as Barnaby the Great.

Take it easy. You're all over the road.
I can't help it. Some idiot on a tandem

bike just cut me off. Look, will you
please hurry up so we can get this thing

back before somebody notices?

Might as well take it on back.

The deal has already picked this place
clean.

Besides, LeBeau probably kept all the
paperwork, so I don't think there's

to be any rabbits spraying out of the
hat.

Hello.

What? What, what, you find something?

Well now, if I were a magician and I
wanted to hide something, where would I

it? What?

AJ? Yo, what?

Is it LeBeau's?

Not really.

It's not his brand of perfume.

Look, Barnaby, there's just... not
enough time to be gentle about this.

AJ's got some bad news for you.

Um... Barnaby...

Did you know that...

There was something going on between
Twist and Lorna.

Two years ago on the road, Lorna came
backstage to ask for a job.

She was desperate, and I hired her, no
questions asked.

I was the magician who conjured love and
security for her.

She was the enchantress who made me feel
young again.

Well, we married.

And I suppose I always knew that one day
the spell would break.

But you didn't say anything about the
affair?

Not until I realized that he had stolen
my water casket as well as my wife.

I knew I had to kill him.

How did you get to the water casket in
the locked prop room?

Well, I was inside my Garibaldi cabinet.

I knew they put it right into the prop
room with all the other equipment,

including all of his version of the
water casket. I opened the cabinet.

It was empty.

Let the record show that the last voice
is that of Richard Simon, private

investigator and employee of the
subject.

It will not be heard again this session.

It only looked empty. That was the
illusion. I was inside the trap.

The trap.

That's where the performer hides before
making a magical appearance.

Yes. Then I got out of the Garibaldi,
drilled the holes, got back inside, and

waited for the stagehands to wheel me
out again for the show.

And you weren't worried about
fingerprints?

Well, I was certain that the short
circuit would make the bulb explode.

I was mistaken.

He's not the only one.

That's it.

I tell you, Dr. Ridd must be losing his
touch with his soul thoughts.

Hardly pitted the floor this time.

That's not it.

What, pay for him on strike?

I'm just a little worried about Barnaby.

Just a little down.

Only a slab and a half of ribs, you must
be in the throes of a downright manic

depression.

He fooled us.

Let's face it, it happens.

You know, as soon as he knew that we
knew about Lorna and Twist, he did that

high -speed turnaround. That's what I
can't figure.

Well, I guess he didn't want there to be
the slightest possibility of her being

accused. There's no chance of that now.

Rubio's got this one stitched up pretty
tightly.

Yeah. Now, it seems sure, and that's
what bothers me.

Suppose those tenderizers are back
again? No, they don't ring.

You must help me.

Sure. Come on in.

You, uh, want a beer or something?

The question is, does a man betray the
person he owes the most,

even if it is for that person's own
good?

I assume you want more than just an
answer.

I know the answer.

I've been thinking for hours, what is
the right thing?

Barnaby has asked me for a favor.

Begged. Demanded.

Because you owe him your life? Yes.

And because I owe him so much, I must
betray him.

Uh -huh.

In his confession.

Barnaby said that he hid in the
Garibaldi. Right, which is how he got

prompt room.

He swore me not to tell you.

But these are the hands that built the
Garibaldi.

That trap was designed and tailored for
one person.

Lorna.

He could never have fit inside.

I think the seams on Rubio's case just
came unstitched.

Is somebody going to show me how

this works, or do I have to figure it
out myself?

Well, as you can see, this appears to be
empty. But those who know can

show you the...

Secret. Pardon.

Why stop now? Give them all my secrets.

Of course.

If it keeps you from throwing your life
away on that woman. What life do I have

without her?

Tight squeeze.

requires practice.

And are built like lawners.

But how did she get Barnaby's
fingerprints on the light bulb?

Well, take your pick.

She could have taken any one of these
and switched them. I'm sure they've all

got Barnaby's fingerprints on them.

Let go of me!

Just get... Let go of me!

Now, now, that's all right, baby. That's
all right, now. Get away from me! You

set me up for this! I killed Oliver! Let
go!

I don't care what they say.

We'll hire the best lawyers.

Let go of me!

Don't let him get away with it.

Back at the war, there was a word for
you.

So,

after all these years, it ends for us

like this.

Rubio, what was that you said about
homicide?

Everything's usually exactly as it
seems.

True enough.

Far as it goes.

Hey, AJ.

Let me just give the magic a rest, Rick.
Come on, I'm ruining a perfectly good

omelet just for you. AJ, will you please
listen to this? It's important.

The only real magic in the world is the
magic of one mind totally manipulating

another.

That is the grand illusion, the black
art, to make you see what isn't there

while looking right at what really is.

The wit and wisdom of Barnaby?

Maybe the M .O. of Barnaby is more like
it.

He's Barnaby the Great, A .J., the
master illusionist of our time.

I thought I'd just relax by, you know,
practicing a few moves, but I read that

quote. Now, what if, just what if this
whole twist murder thing is set up like

magic trick?

Like this.

What do you see there?

Two aces and a king, right?

Huh?

Two aces and a king. Fine, fine, fine.
Now, we put the bandana over the cards.

Over the cards.

Then we remove one of the aces.

One of the aces.

That's right, A .J., one of the aces.
Now we remove yet another ace.

Yet another ace.

Now, this is where the trick gets to be
fun, because this is the part where the

king disappears.

Or not.

What? I can still see the card.

Oh.

See, that's because I have manipulated
your mind. You are looking at what isn't

there.

Fooled you.

Not bad.

Not great, but not bad.

Mm -hmm.

That's just a card trick.

What if Barnaby's done that to an entire
murder investigation?

Come on, Rick. We weren't that fooled.
Turn it over.

You turn it over.

The thing is on the other side.

Well, anyhow, Rick, you can't murder
with magic. I hope not. Get me a beer,

you?

Here's my beer, A .J.

Oh, Lord,

I've forgotten.

What good is a chili cheese omelet
without a beer to wash it down with?

pardon me, wash it down with milk.

Oh, look at it.

What's this, another trick?

No, no, no, look at it. Yes, it says
beer.

Yeah, and you remember when we pushed
the cabinet the other day.

Yeah, the B was way The one tonight was
right down there

Are you sure I'm telling you Kareem
Abdul Jabbar

could have gotten into the one we pushed
into the prop room Barnaby was telling

the truth He was inside

I mean, I know it was part of your plan,
but why take the risk?

For the illusion, for the misdirect.

But you know how these tricks work.

People look for the deception, so we
show them a few.

Yeah, but not the real one.

No, no, you were supposed to be only
good enough to follow the clues.

Just not good enough to understand the
whole illusion.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Everything else worked.

The hoods I hired to cast suspicion on
LeBeau.

The notes from Lorna.

Twist thought he'd thrown them away.

Let's go see Rubio.

Just one more thing, gentlemen.

Stay between him and the door.

You hold it, Barnaby.

Where are you going? Come back. Hey!

Barnaby, watch out! Hey!

Magic is a funny thing.

Sometimes Rabbit's there, and sometimes
he just ain't.

AJ, look at this. You're gonna love it.
Ready?

Here you go. No!

What? No, please, no one... No, no, no.
Wait till you see it. Wait till you see

it. You're gonna love it. You're gonna
love it. With this one, you don't even

have to pick a card, okay? All you got
to do is think of one. Go ahead. Think

a card.

The 10 of clubs.