Original subtitles

Your friend is six feet four, weighs 240 pounds, and you want to protect him.

Next on Simon & Simon. This isn't a game, it's a business.

I'm Ed Dundee, Sports Weekly.

More tapping going on here than in a Fred Astaire movie. You're next.

How many games did you throw? Two. Most of these players, they're big, but

they're not too bright. Hi. Can you swim?

Oh! Hello, anybody out there that's in here?

So, fans, we're going right down to the wire again.

These California Pioneers refuse to roll over and die.

But there's no tomorrow for the Pioneers if the Sharks beat them today.

This is just the kind of action we've come to expect with this new league. And

I've got to tell you, they're giving the NFL a run for their money.

Kenny Cunningham has really got to hurry now. He has got third and long at the

45 -yard line. No timeouts, and that clock is running.

Take two!

there and eats him up.

Joe Blake assigned a block on Michaels.

Didn't touch him at all. He is really giving Blake a big headache this

afternoon. Michaels is a great player.

Sensational.

The Pioneers have got a move -in now. 19 seconds remaining.

Cunningham to throw down along the sideline. Get the first down and stop

clock or he can go for the bundle

Look at that chicken. He's fried with delight, I'll tell you. Two weeks ago,

Pioneers were headed for a losing season. Now, if they score the extra

it's a rematch next week against the same Florida Sharks to decide who's

to go to the playoffs.

Oh, wow, what excitement we've got, fans. I don't know if my heart could

much more of this. But one thing, you're seeing all the action on free TV. No

paying for it, like on the cable.

Michael's made you look like some rookie fresh out of nowhere state.

Just one of those days.

Just one of those days, huh?

Hey, I tell you what, Joe. Next time you're holding, you're clipping, you're

tripping, do whatever you have to, but you keep him off of me.

Joe, that's not the way the scoreboard was supposed to read.

Look, I can only do so much.

There's ten other guys out there, you know? I can't help it when they get

Yeah, well, we pay for results, not luck.

Now, next Sunday, you deliver or your whole body's going on ice.

Hey, I don't give a damn who you send out. You're not getting any more out of

me. Well, maybe you ought to think about it, hmm?

I mean, you're in it up to your shoulder pads already.

You quit on us now, you're going to see how tough it is to run interference from

a wheelchair.

Anything I can do?

Yeah, sure.

Marry my ex -wife.

You been messing with my missile frigate?

Your what?

The Herbert Hoover. She won't fire anymore.

My God, how are you going to keep the canal safe for democracy?

Just be a little geek next door, Lehi. Video games jamming my signal. I'm going

to kill him. I have to get in line behind his parents. Besides, what do you

expect from a Montessori dropout?

Meanest sucker in the fleet rendered useless by a little yellow goblin. They

ought to make Pac -Man a federal offense.

Been to the office yet?

No, I hadn't had the chance. Maneuvers.

Ah.

You got my check?

What check?

Paycheck. Today's payday, remember?

Oh, I haven't had a chance to write the checks yet. Well, come on. Get with it.

I can't write the checks until I pay the bills.

Well, then pay the bills.

I can't pay the bills till you go by the office and pick up the mail.

Come with me. Come

with me.

Sing another... All right, you guys. Now, Captain Kangaroo is a very close,

personal friend of mine.

If you don't stop finger -painting my door, I'm going to tell on you.

Creeps out again.

Mr.

Simon? My name is Dowd.

Herbert T. Dowd.

Now let me get this straight, Mr. Dowd.

Your friend is six feet four, weighs 240 pounds, and has been a professional

football player for the past 15 years?

All pro, eight seasons.

And you want us to protect him?

The way I hear it, he makes me and Joe Green look like the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, that's only on the football field.

Actually, he's quite a nice person once you get to know him.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Dowd, while we do provide executive protection services, I really

that in this instance your needs might be better met by a specialist.

A very large, possibly several very large, heavily armed specialists.

A .J., I think maybe we'd better have a meeting of the board of directors.

Oh, on the other hand, the fact that it is unusual does provide a challenge.

Yes, it does.

They're $2 ,000, one week's work in advance.

Is that suitable?

That fits me just fine. Of course, being the older brother, I'm somewhat looser

in my morals.

Well, that's understandable.

Yes, it is. Now, gentlemen.

As soon as you find out exactly who is threatening Joe and why, all I want you

to do is advise me.

I'll take the necessary precautions.

That sounds simple enough. We'll just move right in there with him, keep a 24

-hour watch on him until after the game on Sunday, right? Oh, no, no.

That's impossible.

Why? Doesn't he have an extra bed?

Well, gentlemen, I'm paying a premium price for a reason.

You can't go near Joe Blake or talk to him. I mean, he must have no idea you're

on this case.

I'll make arrangements for any access you might want to have to the stadium or

the team.

How are you able to do that?

I'm affiliated with the Pioneers organization.

But please, make no mistake about that.

I'm hiring you strictly as a private individual.

I do not represent the team.

Joe used to have no idea.

How can we get in touch with you?

You can't.

Ah.

Hey, come on. Won't get hurt. All we got to do is bird dog the Jolly Green Giant

for a couple of days.

Pray he doesn't find out.

I would hate to have him say ho, ho, ho to me and not be smiling.

Besides, if somebody's leaning on him, can you imagine how big they must be?

Wasn't it Einstein who said size is relative?

Uh -huh. Or was that Mae West? Mae West. It was Mae West.

Who do you think's leaning on him?

And why?

You think someone's paying him to take a dive?

That's boxing.

AJ's a dick to paddle, tell him.

Nobody's going to try to fix a football game by paying off a pulling guard, a

quarterback running back maybe, but not an interior lineman.

It's probably something more normal like dope or gambling debts.

The illegal forward path, someone's wife. Yeah, something normal.

You would be, too, if you got whacked around like he did Sunday.

You'll be ready for the game, though.

Are you kidding?

Already his agent is making noises about renegotiating his contract.

I told him if he got us into the playoffs, I'd be ready to listen.

Stan, you are such a Santa Claus.

You still got to get by this Sunday.

This is the biggest game you've had since you bought this bunch of bozos.

Wait a minute. That was last year. Don't talk that way about my contenders. Oh,

you plan on doing this every year?

I may open a cable operation here in San Diego.

You want to negotiate the exclusive rights now?

I think I'll win first.

Oh, by the way... See?

It's all blue skies and bad jokes to them.

The owners care more nowadays about hot dogs than they do about football

players. That guy with him?

Big cable TV guy from Salt Lake.

There was a time football was played on a field. Now it's on some 19 -inch

screen.

I know what you mean.

Look, getting back to you for a moment, Mr. Otis.

You're the guy that moves them all back together every week.

Let's take a guy like... Let's take Joe Blake.

How do you keep him going? I mean, the word is he's had problems all year.

Joe, he's had problems for three years.

Well, and?

Joe keeps fooling everybody.

One thing you ought to know about Joe.

Inside, he's a pussycat.

Out there...

He's a survivor.

I

thought

you might want to know that magazine reporter over there.

Been sniffing around about a dope story.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

They been asking about me?

Nah, not yet. Mostly Joe Blake.

Well, they need some deep trouble.

Why? Joe and the dope?

Well, if he has, nobody will ever find out.

I've been running plays behind him for about 13 years.

Barely says my name.

I had it to you, Stan.

Well, no one else would be cocky enough to throw a welcoming party for the other

team.

You ain't seen nothing.

You sure seen Donnelly's face when he first got here.

He almost dropped his bags overboard.

You mean you're putting him up here?

He's going to have a fine time.

See those two deckhands?

They're going to show him the engine room.

Take his mind right off the big game.

Sorry, your name's not on the list. What do you mean my name's not on the list?

Do you believe this? Of course my name's not on the list.

I have the surprise cake for Mr. Tucker to give to Mr.

Donnelly.

Show him the cake, Ralph.

See you with the shark drowning in the whipped cream.

All right, I'll check. No, don't check. If you check, it won't be a surprise.

Do you believe this?

A fullback?

Not quite, no.

A halfback?

Not really.

Do you have a favorite position?

I'm not sure yet.

Would you like to know mine?

See, most of these players, they're big, but they're not too bright.

They come right out of college, 21, 22, can't even read or write, but they get a

big, no -cut contract.

And the first thing you know, some blonde's got her finger up their nose

lawyer in their pension plan.

That's what happened to Joe Blake.

This is his fourth teen. His wife dumped him after two.

Hey, um, why all these questions about Joe?

Oh, I'm featuring him in my article.

See, everybody else writes about the glory boys, but I want to write about

the... The loneliness of the pulling guard.

Is he here?

Yeah, topside.

Who did you say you were with again?

Sports Weekly.

I don't read that one.

Oh, you should.

Fine magazine. Excuse me.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Let's go, Rick.

Would you hold it? And that thought.

That cowboy's going up there. Up there.

Hi.

Can you swim?

Oh, a little bit, yeah.

Good.

One more thing.

Tell my wife it didn't work last time, and it won't work now.

Oops. Well,

it

could have been worse.

At least there was water down here.

Following your ex -husband?

Of course there's somebody chasing Joe.

I hired him.

You did?

A clubfoot like you.

I've been using him for years to make sure that Joe pays his alimony. Wouldn't

sending out overdue notices be a little cheaper?

Uh, would you happen to know if this gentleman is putting any pressure on Joe

making any threats?

Oh, he gave up on that a long time ago.

I mean, to tell you the truth, they're probably drinking buddies by now.

What kind of trouble is Joe in now?

Well, we were kind of hoping you could tell us. Does he have a problem with

drugs? No, he won't even touch aspirin.

How about gambling debts?

Dealings with loan sharks?

Business deals with the wrong kind of businessmen? The only problem that Joe

ever had was growing up.

He ran through our marriage like a big fuzzy bear walking into a campground.

At first, he looked so cute and lovable.

Then the off -season, he'd, uh...

He'd hibernate in one long, bad mood.

And then there were the trades, the cities, the different schools for Wendy.

sorry, we didn't mean to open up any old wounds or anything.

Oh, no, no, no, don't get me wrong.

My daughter and I are much better off without that big old bear.

But he sure could keep you warm on a cold night.

Red, 46!

Red, 46!

Ready, set, hunt one, hunt two!

Den D, Sports Weekly.

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Okay.

I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about, well,

what it's like to be a professional mascot, players, how you get along with

them, how they get along with you.

I see. Maybe you could give me something a little bit more quotable.

That certainly is quotable.

You made your point. We're clearing out.

You all right?

What?

Don said he was affiliated with the team, right? Right. I haven't seen him

around here since we started.

Well, maybe he's got something to do with the front office. Now, I've been to

the front office.

How tall would you say the chicken is?

About 5 '2", same as Dowd.

Let's have a little chat with Mr. Chicken.

You

weren't

supposed to do this.

You're violating our agreement. Damn right we are. I'm giving you your money

back. All of it. Minus x -rays, doctor bills, three, maybe four loose fillings.

Right. Oh, no, please. I need you. Where were you when we needed you?

Look.

Look, I'm sorry for any trouble I caused you.

But see, I was only trying to help a friend.

I don't blame you.

You can keep the money.

Look, why didn't you just tell us who you were to begin with?

Well, I...

I couldn't drag the chicken into Joe's mess.

You don't understand, do you?

It's kind of complicated.

Mr. Dowd, you keep talking about the chicken as if it were some other person.

Oh, but he is.

I mean, he always has been since I first met him.

Have you ever thought of stretching out on a couch and talking this over with

some nice man who smokes a pipe?

I know this sounds crazy.

But see, until the chicken came into my life, well, the only thing I'd ever

accomplished was on an auto assembly line. What's wrong with auto assembly

lines? Lots of nice people work assembly line.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Those people, those people, they're the chicken's greatest fans.

See, he's really one of them.

I mean, like when he goes up and he blows his nose on the referee's flag or

kicks dirt on his shoes.

Well, that's you.

That's me.

We're all doing it.

Didn't you ever want to do something like that?

Yeah,

I guess so.

Well, I could never do what the chicken does.

The way he shows off and stands up to people.

Well, that's why as soon as I found those men were threatening Joe's life, I

to find you to do something about it.

We need you.

Joe, me, the chicken.

But from now on, we're playing on our field and by our rules.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Anything yet?

Ah, Justin Cunningham couldn't scramble if his life depended on it. Yeah, which

it often does.

Oh, no, no. Not with Joe blocking.

I'm telling you...

Joe Blake could never take money to throw a game.

All right, here we go.

Coffee for you.

Beer for me.

It's a cola. Pass it over, AJ.

Herb, you want dark meat or light?

You know, there's a whole pattern emerging here.

Okay, watch Joe Blake.

Oh, come on.

No, there is. He watched number 61.

Now, he missed his block on the last play. Let's see what happens here.

Simple drop back pass, plenty of protection.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it, hold it. That guy. Stop it, A .J.

Stop it.

All right, right there.

But that's the play that won us the game. All right, now look at that. That

didn't slip the block. It looks like Joe lets him pass.

Bang. Lights out for the quarterback.

I can't believe it.

Joe wouldn't do a thing like that.

Besides, the league has looked at all these films, and they haven't said a

It's all very low profile.

Joe keeps it very subtle. No offensive lineman can hold out a charging defense

forever. You make all pro if you can slow them up a little bit. Every coach

tell you that quarterback has got four seconds to unload the ball.

You know, when I first came on this team, everybody treated me like I was a

freak.

Oh, except Joe.

Joe treated me kind of special.

You know, like, same as the quarterback, kicker, same as everybody.

I guess that's what's so special about Joe.

I'm afraid the guy up there is a little too special.

He's the only one who doesn't act like he won the game.

I hate this kind of work. You hate any kind of work.

Three floors too low. And too crowded. You ever see too many bugs in your life?

It's incredible.

Ma Bell meets George Orwell at FBI, IRS, CIA.

More tapping going on here than in a Fred Astaire movie.

that time. No darts in the laundry.

Hello? Hey, Joe.

Haven't heard from you lately. Been doing any thinking?

My people want to know if you can come out and play.

I'm going to play, all right.

All the way to the Super Bowl.

Gee, I didn't know they had one in heaven.

All right, all right, Joe. You just have it your way.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Will you take a look out your window at your car?

What about it?

Watch.

Your neck.

What about it?

Watch.

Your neck.

Sounds like you guys have a great relationship.

So what do you want?

A confession?

No, explanation.

You have a friend, Joe, who's afraid that the sky is about to fall in on you.

You guys don't understand.

This isn't a game. It's a business.

These owners, they buy and sell us like meat.

I'm going to be 35 next month.

I've been butting heads since I was eight.

That's 27 years of busted bones and bad knees.

I've been pinned together so much that I set off the metal detectors at the

airport.

So tell me, where do I go when they drop me?

A retirement home for 35 -year -olds?

Joe, how many games did you throw?

Two for 15 grand each.

The last game we won anyway.

Do you know who they are?

I don't know, and I don't want to know.

Two guys came up to me after a game, and that was it.

And they're willing to spend that much money just for a little extra edge.

It's a bigger edge than you think.

Half the time, I'm the only thing standing between Cunningham and certain

Well, so why'd you decide not to cooperate on Sunday? I mean, it'd be

more easy money for you.

You're not going to believe this, but I want to win that damn game.

All these years, and I've never been on a winner until now.

Dumb, huh?

Not really.

Smart. Probably the first smart thing in a while.

Especially if you let us turn all of this over to the guys in the blue

The cops?

No. No way.

I've got a little girl and an ex -wife.

Now, I don't care about myself, but these goons, they don't fool around.

Man's got a point.

Joe's been talking to delivery boys. We take them out, whoever's at the top's

just gonna hire somebody else to do the dirty work for him. Which means we have

to smoke out the guy at the top.

But how?

Well, we put the pressure on him.

Kind of like fourth and long and nowhere to go but straight at us.

Do you have a telephone number for your friend, the guy who keeps calling you?

Sure. Good.

He's about to meet your agents.

Does number 13 stop here? Who cares? You won't be here long enough to find out.

But don't try anything.

Oh, you brought somebody too.

60 grand?

Mm -hmm.

That's Fantasy Island, eh?

I know. You better tell Joe to reconsider, because if he doesn't play

dead. Oh, come on. You guys know football. Joe's just trying to

here. It'll be worth it. Worth it? 60 grand?

Yeah. That's twice what he got last time. I know.

I know. My people will never go for that.

You just tell him it's inflation, okay?

I'll tell you what. Just in case you change your mind, you put the money in a

briefcase.

When the bands leave the field at halftime, you take it to that seat.

Slide it under a red blanket.

If you need me for anything, my number's right there, okay?

Okay.

The car checked out is rented.

And they did it the usual way, with phony names and stolen credit cards?

else? Yeah, the flight they took in from Detroit was real. That much they

couldn't fake.

And you want me to tell these to Detroit to see if they match any mugshot.

On government time? Would we do that?

And would you do one other little thing for us?

Would you put a trace on my phone?

A trace?

Just a little one. Come on, A .J., I can get in a lot of trouble for that. I

know, I know, but look at it this way. It's for football, for hot dogs, for

apple pie.

Motherhood. Besides, this way, we'll owe you an even two. Thank you, sweetie.

Two?

Big ones.

Very big ones.

22.

Check and mate.

What? Checkmate.

Oh.

Come on. I've never beaten you before this easy.

I'm just nervous, I guess. Pre -game jitters.

Yeah, me too.

Hello? I got somebody who wants to talk to you, Joe.

Hello? Call just came through. Start your trace.

Bojo, just a word to let you know how much we do not appreciate the way you've

handled this.

What about the money?

The money will be there.

Just make sure there's a hole in that pocket tomorrow.

I want that quarterback on his back more than his feet.

Otherwise, you'll be on yours.

Permanently.

So will your agent.

Nice guy.

Really.

Okay, got it. Thank you.

Janet, how we doing?

Okay, Jay, it's a Marine telephone. They're calling from Pier 32, Slip 19.

Pier 32, Slip 19.

Oh, no.

What?

That's Stan Tucker's yacht.

The owner of the Pioneers.

Thank you, Janet.

I'll get it off. Thank you.

Joe's almost dressed. He's a real bundle of nerves on game day.

I wonder why.

Mr. Dowd? Yes? Hi, I'm Janet Fowler from the DA's office. Oh, how do you do?

Fine. Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

Did you get that stuff on the guys from Motor City?

Certainly did. Hot and heavy. Okay, AJ, one more time from the top now.

Now, as soon as they put the briefcase of money under the blanket... We move in

to watch, but nothing else. Right.

And sooner or later, Tucker's got to go for it when we don't pick it up.

Who? Tucker. Stan Tucker.

Who else?

Any one of a couple of dozen people.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let's go back to the beginning here, okay?

Okay, you remember your two pinup boys from Detroit, right?

Right. Well, they're nothing more than freelance muscle.

I mean, you can rent them by the day or the week or the broken leg. Yeah, we

know that, but they're working for Stan Tucker.

Not necessarily.

They are staying on Tucker's yacht.

With, okay, a couple of Fortune 500 guys, two or three movie stars. Oh,

a timber baron.

Three ladies who are pros of indifferent persuasion. Well, then that call could

have come from anybody on the yacht.

No. Yeah.

Yeah.

But we still have the money to use as bait.

That's right. We just don't know who's going to take the hook. So? So.

Hiya. Hi, Teddy.

These tickets? Yeah.

50 -yard line? Yeah.

You guys didn't have to do this. Yes, we did.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's show our appreciation for the Pioneer Marching

under the direction of Dr. William Luscher.

Reminder, playoff tickets go on sale at 9...

We go to tell Myron why he's got the best seat in the house.

Only if you want to give him terminal indigestion.

I'll take this aisle. I'll take this aisle.

Today's attendance, 52 ,104.

A Pioneers organization, thank you.

Our San Diego Police Department would like to remind all fans to please stay

the field.

Okay, so what do you say? It's the 13 -13 tie. Brand new ball game.

What do you want to do? Go double or nothing the second half?

Not me. This game's costing me enough already.

He'll throw in a draft choice. A draft choice I don't need.

But the chicken I could use. You want to trade for the chicken?

No way, man. That chicken puts more people in the seats than the team does.

Are you sure you want to leave this hanging out there on a bench?

Why, you think it's going to get lonely?

No, but I don't want to be in the hook to the boys in New York for this much.

Especially if they don't get paid back on time.

Look, relax. I told you. The man has a temporary cash flow problem, okay?

This time next week, he's going to have ten times that, twenty times that.

He says it is good. At the end of three quarters, ladies and gentlemen, it's the

Florida Shark 16 and the California Pioneers 13.

Anybody go near the blanket yet?

Nobody's picked it up yet.

How come?

They'll pick it up.

Nobody's going to leave 60 grand lying there.

And now it's time to separate the men from the boys. The Pioneers are down 18

13. There's only one timeout left and the scoreboard clock shows less than 30

seconds to play.

He's got the snap.

He's called a cross play. He hands the ball off to fullback Warren. Warren

supplies the Sharks. They're caught flat -footed. He's all the way up to the 35,

to the 40. He's at midfield.

He could possibly go all the way fast.

He's down to the 40 -yard line of the Sharks. And now he makes it all the way

the 30 moving along the sideline. He cuts back toward the interior of the

and gets down to the 20.

At least we're still ahead.

For now.

Don't worry.

The first person who touches that case catches a bullet.

Here it is, Wes. The whole season is on the line right now. Maybe the

championship, too. If the Pioneers score, they win. If they don't, it's the

Sharks at Salt Lake City next week.

The man went to quarterback drill.

Joe, come on over here. On the first set. Ready?

About four seconds left to play in this dramatic contest, ladies and gentlemen.

And you?

What do you think the closed circuit rights are worth? About a million?

Closer to two.

Eh, well, maybe next time we'll lose, huh?

Lady?

Sure you guys want me to just leave it up there like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trust me, okay?

There you go.

They gotta be out there somewhere.

They'll pick it up.

Yeah, I mean, you know, they gotta take it back to somebody, right?

Right? Right.

That's far enough, Mr. Emery.

Come on, Emery.

It's over.

Come on, A .J., move!

I think they got the message.

Rick! That's enough!

I wasn't gonna hurt him.

Now, you guys want me to believe that none of this had anything at all to do

with any of the football teams? Afraid not.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

Oh, sure it does.

See, Carl Emery just wanted the Pioneers to lose so that when the Sharks played

Salt Lake, they'd have to play the game in Salt Lake City.

Where he owns all the cable television, right?

And don't forget, a playoff game like that is worth a couple million dollars

closed -circuit TV.

Well, maybe even more than that. Remember, they charge ten bucks a house

Dummy! Oh, I forgot!

Forgot what? To call my bookie.

I finally win a bet and I forget to collect.

Hello, Louie?

This is Myron.

Now, Louie, I definitely don't want to take it out on trade. Now, yeah, I know

country blues is a good horse.

Four to one?

Okay, Louie, I'll tell you what. I put half my winnings on country blues to

No, no.

Yeah, we've gotten a lift. What about the phone?

The phone's still tapped.

Yeah.

Hello, Louie?

Hello, Louie?