All language subtitles for Simon & Simon s02e09 Fowl Play

Your friend is six feet four, weighs 240
pounds, and you want to protect him.

Next on Simon & Simon. This isn't a
game, it's a business.

I'm Ed Dundee, Sports Weekly.

More tapping going on here than in a
Fred Astaire movie. You're next.

How many games did you throw? Two. Most
of these players, they're big, but

they're not too bright. Hi. Can you
swim?

Oh! Hello, anybody out there that's in
here?

So, fans, we're going right down to the
wire again.

These California Pioneers refuse to roll
over and die.

But there's no tomorrow for the Pioneers
if the Sharks beat them today.

This is just the kind of action we've
come to expect with this new league. And

I've got to tell you, they're giving the
NFL a run for their money.

Kenny Cunningham has really got to hurry
now. He has got third and long at the

45 -yard line. No timeouts, and that
clock is running.

Take two!

there and eats him up.

Joe Blake assigned a block on Michaels.

Didn't touch him at all. He is really
giving Blake a big headache this

afternoon. Michaels is a great player.

Sensational.

The Pioneers have got a move -in now. 19
seconds remaining.

Cunningham to throw down along the
sideline. Get the first down and stop

clock or he can go for the bundle

Look at that chicken. He's fried with
delight, I'll tell you. Two weeks ago,

Pioneers were headed for a losing
season. Now, if they score the extra

it's a rematch next week against the
same Florida Sharks to decide who's

to go to the playoffs.

Oh, wow, what excitement we've got,
fans. I don't know if my heart could

much more of this. But one thing, you're
seeing all the action on free TV. No

paying for it, like on the cable.

Michael's made you look like some rookie
fresh out of nowhere state.

Just one of those days.

Just one of those days, huh?

Hey, I tell you what, Joe. Next time
you're holding, you're clipping, you're

tripping, do whatever you have to, but
you keep him off of me.

Joe, that's not the way the scoreboard
was supposed to read.

Look, I can only do so much.

There's ten other guys out there, you
know? I can't help it when they get

Yeah, well, we pay for results, not
luck.

Now, next Sunday, you deliver or your
whole body's going on ice.

Hey, I don't give a damn who you send
out. You're not getting any more out of

me. Well, maybe you ought to think about
it, hmm?

I mean, you're in it up to your shoulder
pads already.

You quit on us now, you're going to see
how tough it is to run interference from

a wheelchair.

Anything I can do?

Yeah, sure.

Marry my ex -wife.

You been messing with my missile
frigate?

Your what?

The Herbert Hoover. She won't fire
anymore.

My God, how are you going to keep the
canal safe for democracy?

Just be a little geek next door, Lehi.
Video games jamming my signal. I'm going

to kill him. I have to get in line
behind his parents. Besides, what do you

expect from a Montessori dropout?

Meanest sucker in the fleet rendered
useless by a little yellow goblin. They

ought to make Pac -Man a federal
offense.

Been to the office yet?

No, I hadn't had the chance. Maneuvers.

Ah.

You got my check?

What check?

Paycheck. Today's payday, remember?

Oh, I haven't had a chance to write the
checks yet. Well, come on. Get with it.

I can't write the checks until I pay the
bills.

Well, then pay the bills.

I can't pay the bills till you go by the
office and pick up the mail.

Come with me. Come

with me.

Sing another... All right, you guys.
Now, Captain Kangaroo is a very close,

personal friend of mine.

If you don't stop finger -painting my
door, I'm going to tell on you.

Creeps out again.

Mr.

Simon? My name is Dowd.

Herbert T. Dowd.

Now let me get this straight, Mr. Dowd.

Your friend is six feet four, weighs 240
pounds, and has been a professional

football player for the past 15 years?

All pro, eight seasons.

And you want us to protect him?

The way I hear it, he makes me and Joe
Green look like the Tooth Fairy.

Oh, that's only on the football field.

Actually, he's quite a nice person once
you get to know him.

Yes.

Well, Mr. Dowd, while we do provide
executive protection services, I really

that in this instance your needs might
be better met by a specialist.

A very large, possibly several very
large, heavily armed specialists.

A .J., I think maybe we'd better have a
meeting of the board of directors.

Oh, on the other hand, the fact that it
is unusual does provide a challenge.

Yes, it does.

They're $2 ,000, one week's work in
advance.

Is that suitable?

That fits me just fine. Of course, being
the older brother, I'm somewhat looser

in my morals.

Well, that's understandable.

Yes, it is. Now, gentlemen.

As soon as you find out exactly who is
threatening Joe and why, all I want you

to do is advise me.

I'll take the necessary precautions.

That sounds simple enough. We'll just
move right in there with him, keep a 24

-hour watch on him until after the game
on Sunday, right? Oh, no, no.

That's impossible.

Why? Doesn't he have an extra bed?

Well, gentlemen, I'm paying a premium
price for a reason.

You can't go near Joe Blake or talk to
him. I mean, he must have no idea you're

on this case.

I'll make arrangements for any access
you might want to have to the stadium or

the team.

How are you able to do that?

I'm affiliated with the Pioneers
organization.

But please, make no mistake about that.

I'm hiring you strictly as a private
individual.

I do not represent the team.

Joe used to have no idea.

How can we get in touch with you?

You can't.

Ah.

Hey, come on. Won't get hurt. All we got
to do is bird dog the Jolly Green Giant

for a couple of days.

Pray he doesn't find out.

I would hate to have him say ho, ho, ho
to me and not be smiling.

Besides, if somebody's leaning on him,
can you imagine how big they must be?

Wasn't it Einstein who said size is
relative?

Uh -huh. Or was that Mae West? Mae West.
It was Mae West.

Who do you think's leaning on him?

And why?

You think someone's paying him to take a
dive?

That's boxing.

AJ's a dick to paddle, tell him.

Nobody's going to try to fix a football
game by paying off a pulling guard, a

quarterback running back maybe, but not
an interior lineman.

It's probably something more normal like
dope or gambling debts.

The illegal forward path, someone's
wife. Yeah, something normal.

You would be, too, if you got whacked
around like he did Sunday.

You'll be ready for the game, though.

Are you kidding?

Already his agent is making noises about
renegotiating his contract.

I told him if he got us into the
playoffs, I'd be ready to listen.

Stan, you are such a Santa Claus.

You still got to get by this Sunday.

This is the biggest game you've had
since you bought this bunch of bozos.

Wait a minute. That was last year. Don't
talk that way about my contenders. Oh,

you plan on doing this every year?

I may open a cable operation here in San
Diego.

You want to negotiate the exclusive
rights now?

I think I'll win first.

Oh, by the way... See?

It's all blue skies and bad jokes to
them.

The owners care more nowadays about hot
dogs than they do about football

players. That guy with him?

Big cable TV guy from Salt Lake.

There was a time football was played on
a field. Now it's on some 19 -inch

screen.

I know what you mean.

Look, getting back to you for a moment,
Mr. Otis.

You're the guy that moves them all back
together every week.

Let's take a guy like... Let's take Joe
Blake.

How do you keep him going? I mean, the
word is he's had problems all year.

Joe, he's had problems for three years.

Well, and?

Joe keeps fooling everybody.

One thing you ought to know about Joe.

Inside, he's a pussycat.

Out there...

He's a survivor.

I

thought

you might want to know that magazine
reporter over there.

Been sniffing around about a dope story.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

They been asking about me?

Nah, not yet. Mostly Joe Blake.

Well, they need some deep trouble.

Why? Joe and the dope?

Well, if he has, nobody will ever find
out.

I've been running plays behind him for
about 13 years.

Barely says my name.

I had it to you, Stan.

Well, no one else would be cocky enough
to throw a welcoming party for the other

team.

You ain't seen nothing.

You sure seen Donnelly's face when he
first got here.

He almost dropped his bags overboard.

You mean you're putting him up here?

He's going to have a fine time.

See those two deckhands?

They're going to show him the engine
room.

Take his mind right off the big game.

Sorry, your name's not on the list. What
do you mean my name's not on the list?

Do you believe this? Of course my name's
not on the list.

I have the surprise cake for Mr. Tucker
to give to Mr.

Donnelly.

Show him the cake, Ralph.

See you with the shark drowning in the
whipped cream.

All right, I'll check. No, don't check.
If you check, it won't be a surprise.

Do you believe this?

A fullback?

Not quite, no.

A halfback?

Not really.

Do you have a favorite position?

I'm not sure yet.

Would you like to know mine?

See, most of these players, they're big,
but they're not too bright.

They come right out of college, 21, 22,
can't even read or write, but they get a

big, no -cut contract.

And the first thing you know, some
blonde's got her finger up their nose

lawyer in their pension plan.

That's what happened to Joe Blake.

This is his fourth teen. His wife dumped
him after two.

Hey, um, why all these questions about
Joe?

Oh, I'm featuring him in my article.

See, everybody else writes about the
glory boys, but I want to write about

the... The loneliness of the pulling
guard.

Is he here?

Yeah, topside.

Who did you say you were with again?

Sports Weekly.

I don't read that one.

Oh, you should.

Fine magazine. Excuse me.

Excuse me, ma 'am. Let's go, Rick.

Would you hold it? And that thought.

That cowboy's going up there. Up there.

Hi.

Can you swim?

Oh, a little bit, yeah.

Good.

One more thing.

Tell my wife it didn't work last time,
and it won't work now.

Oops. Well,

it

could have been worse.

At least there was water down here.

Following your ex -husband?

Of course there's somebody chasing Joe.

I hired him.

You did?

A clubfoot like you.

I've been using him for years to make
sure that Joe pays his alimony. Wouldn't

sending out overdue notices be a little
cheaper?

Uh, would you happen to know if this
gentleman is putting any pressure on Joe

making any threats?

Oh, he gave up on that a long time ago.

I mean, to tell you the truth, they're
probably drinking buddies by now.

What kind of trouble is Joe in now?

Well, we were kind of hoping you could
tell us. Does he have a problem with

drugs? No, he won't even touch aspirin.

How about gambling debts?

Dealings with loan sharks?

Business deals with the wrong kind of
businessmen? The only problem that Joe

ever had was growing up.

He ran through our marriage like a big
fuzzy bear walking into a campground.

At first, he looked so cute and lovable.

Then the off -season, he'd, uh...

He'd hibernate in one long, bad mood.

And then there were the trades, the
cities, the different schools for Wendy.

sorry, we didn't mean to open up any old
wounds or anything.

Oh, no, no, no, don't get me wrong.

My daughter and I are much better off
without that big old bear.

But he sure could keep you warm on a
cold night.

Red, 46!

Red, 46!

Ready, set, hunt one, hunt two!

Den D, Sports Weekly.

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Okay.

I was wondering if I could ask you a few
questions about, well,

what it's like to be a professional
mascot, players, how you get along with

them, how they get along with you.

I see. Maybe you could give me something
a little bit more quotable.

That certainly is quotable.

You made your point. We're clearing out.

You all right?

What?

Don said he was affiliated with the
team, right? Right. I haven't seen him

around here since we started.

Well, maybe he's got something to do
with the front office. Now, I've been to

the front office.

How tall would you say the chicken is?

About 5 '2", same as Dowd.

Let's have a little chat with Mr.
Chicken.

You

weren't

supposed to do this.

You're violating our agreement. Damn
right we are. I'm giving you your money

back. All of it. Minus x -rays, doctor
bills, three, maybe four loose fillings.

Right. Oh, no, please. I need you. Where
were you when we needed you?

Look.

Look, I'm sorry for any trouble I caused
you.

But see, I was only trying to help a
friend.

I don't blame you.

You can keep the money.

Look, why didn't you just tell us who
you were to begin with?

Well, I...

I couldn't drag the chicken into Joe's
mess.

You don't understand, do you?

It's kind of complicated.

Mr. Dowd, you keep talking about the
chicken as if it were some other person.

Oh, but he is.

I mean, he always has been since I first
met him.

Have you ever thought of stretching out
on a couch and talking this over with

some nice man who smokes a pipe?

I know this sounds crazy.

But see, until the chicken came into my
life, well, the only thing I'd ever

accomplished was on an auto assembly
line. What's wrong with auto assembly

lines? Lots of nice people work assembly
line.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Those people, those people, they're the
chicken's greatest fans.

See, he's really one of them.

I mean, like when he goes up and he
blows his nose on the referee's flag or

kicks dirt on his shoes.

Well, that's you.

That's me.

We're all doing it.

Didn't you ever want to do something
like that?

Yeah,

I guess so.

Well, I could never do what the chicken
does.

The way he shows off and stands up to
people.

Well, that's why as soon as I found
those men were threatening Joe's life, I

to find you to do something about it.

We need you.

Joe, me, the chicken.

But from now on, we're playing on our
field and by our rules.

Agreed?

Agreed.

Anything yet?

Ah, Justin Cunningham couldn't scramble
if his life depended on it. Yeah, which

it often does.

Oh, no, no. Not with Joe blocking.

I'm telling you...

Joe Blake could never take money to
throw a game.

All right, here we go.

Coffee for you.

Beer for me.

It's a cola. Pass it over, AJ.

Herb, you want dark meat or light?

You know, there's a whole pattern
emerging here.

Okay, watch Joe Blake.

Oh, come on.

No, there is. He watched number 61.

Now, he missed his block on the last
play. Let's see what happens here.

Simple drop back pass, plenty of
protection.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it,
hold it. That guy. Stop it, A .J.

Stop it.

All right, right there.

But that's the play that won us the
game. All right, now look at that. That

didn't slip the block. It looks like Joe
lets him pass.

Bang. Lights out for the quarterback.

I can't believe it.

Joe wouldn't do a thing like that.

Besides, the league has looked at all
these films, and they haven't said a

It's all very low profile.

Joe keeps it very subtle. No offensive
lineman can hold out a charging defense

forever. You make all pro if you can
slow them up a little bit. Every coach

tell you that quarterback has got four
seconds to unload the ball.

You know, when I first came on this
team, everybody treated me like I was a

freak.

Oh, except Joe.

Joe treated me kind of special.

You know, like, same as the quarterback,
kicker, same as everybody.

I guess that's what's so special about
Joe.

I'm afraid the guy up there is a little
too special.

He's the only one who doesn't act like
he won the game.

I hate this kind of work. You hate any
kind of work.

Three floors too low. And too crowded.
You ever see too many bugs in your life?

It's incredible.

Ma Bell meets George Orwell at FBI, IRS,
CIA.

More tapping going on here than in a
Fred Astaire movie.

that time. No darts in the laundry.

Hello? Hey, Joe.

Haven't heard from you lately. Been
doing any thinking?

My people want to know if you can come
out and play.

I'm going to play, all right.

All the way to the Super Bowl.

Gee, I didn't know they had one in
heaven.

All right, all right, Joe. You just have
it your way.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Will you take a look out your window at
your car?

What about it?

Watch.

Your neck.

What about it?

Watch.

Your neck.

Sounds like you guys have a great
relationship.

So what do you want?

A confession?

No, explanation.

You have a friend, Joe, who's afraid
that the sky is about to fall in on you.

You guys don't understand.

This isn't a game. It's a business.

These owners, they buy and sell us like
meat.

I'm going to be 35 next month.

I've been butting heads since I was
eight.

That's 27 years of busted bones and bad
knees.

I've been pinned together so much that I
set off the metal detectors at the

airport.

So tell me, where do I go when they drop
me?

A retirement home for 35 -year -olds?

Joe, how many games did you throw?

Two for 15 grand each.

The last game we won anyway.

Do you know who they are?

I don't know, and I don't want to know.

Two guys came up to me after a game, and
that was it.

And they're willing to spend that much
money just for a little extra edge.

It's a bigger edge than you think.

Half the time, I'm the only thing
standing between Cunningham and certain

Well, so why'd you decide not to
cooperate on Sunday? I mean, it'd be

more easy money for you.

You're not going to believe this, but I
want to win that damn game.

All these years, and I've never been on
a winner until now.

Dumb, huh?

Not really.

Smart. Probably the first smart thing in
a while.

Especially if you let us turn all of
this over to the guys in the blue

The cops?

No. No way.

I've got a little girl and an ex -wife.

Now, I don't care about myself, but
these goons, they don't fool around.

Man's got a point.

Joe's been talking to delivery boys. We
take them out, whoever's at the top's

just gonna hire somebody else to do the
dirty work for him. Which means we have

to smoke out the guy at the top.

But how?

Well, we put the pressure on him.

Kind of like fourth and long and nowhere
to go but straight at us.

Do you have a telephone number for your
friend, the guy who keeps calling you?

Sure. Good.

He's about to meet your agents.

Does number 13 stop here? Who cares? You
won't be here long enough to find out.

But don't try anything.

Oh, you brought somebody too.

60 grand?

Mm -hmm.

That's Fantasy Island, eh?

I know. You better tell Joe to
reconsider, because if he doesn't play

dead. Oh, come on. You guys know
football. Joe's just trying to

here. It'll be worth it. Worth it? 60
grand?

Yeah. That's twice what he got last
time. I know.

I know. My people will never go for
that.

You just tell him it's inflation, okay?

I'll tell you what. Just in case you
change your mind, you put the money in a

briefcase.

When the bands leave the field at
halftime, you take it to that seat.

Slide it under a red blanket.

If you need me for anything, my number's
right there, okay?

Okay.

The car checked out is rented.

And they did it the usual way, with
phony names and stolen credit cards?

else? Yeah, the flight they took in from
Detroit was real. That much they

couldn't fake.

And you want me to tell these to Detroit
to see if they match any mugshot.

On government time? Would we do that?

And would you do one other little thing
for us?

Would you put a trace on my phone?

A trace?

Just a little one. Come on, A .J., I can
get in a lot of trouble for that. I

know, I know, but look at it this way.
It's for football, for hot dogs, for

apple pie.

Motherhood. Besides, this way, we'll owe
you an even two. Thank you, sweetie.

Two?

Big ones.

Very big ones.

22.

Check and mate.

What? Checkmate.

Oh.

Come on. I've never beaten you before
this easy.

I'm just nervous, I guess. Pre -game
jitters.

Yeah, me too.

Hello? I got somebody who wants to talk
to you, Joe.

Hello? Call just came through. Start
your trace.

Bojo, just a word to let you know how
much we do not appreciate the way you've

handled this.

What about the money?

The money will be there.

Just make sure there's a hole in that
pocket tomorrow.

I want that quarterback on his back more
than his feet.

Otherwise, you'll be on yours.

Permanently.

So will your agent.

Nice guy.

Really.

Okay, got it. Thank you.

Janet, how we doing?

Okay, Jay, it's a Marine telephone.
They're calling from Pier 32, Slip 19.

Pier 32, Slip 19.

Oh, no.

What?

That's Stan Tucker's yacht.

The owner of the Pioneers.

Thank you, Janet.

I'll get it off. Thank you.

Joe's almost dressed. He's a real bundle
of nerves on game day.

I wonder why.

Mr. Dowd? Yes? Hi, I'm Janet Fowler from
the DA's office. Oh, how do you do?

Fine. Hi, sweetie.

Hi. Hi.

Did you get that stuff on the guys from
Motor City?

Certainly did. Hot and heavy. Okay, AJ,
one more time from the top now.

Now, as soon as they put the briefcase
of money under the blanket... We move in

to watch, but nothing else. Right.

And sooner or later, Tucker's got to go
for it when we don't pick it up.

Who? Tucker. Stan Tucker.

Who else?

Any one of a couple of dozen people.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let's
go back to the beginning here, okay?

Okay, you remember your two pinup boys
from Detroit, right?

Right. Well, they're nothing more than
freelance muscle.

I mean, you can rent them by the day or
the week or the broken leg. Yeah, we

know that, but they're working for Stan
Tucker.

Not necessarily.

They are staying on Tucker's yacht.

With, okay, a couple of Fortune 500
guys, two or three movie stars. Oh,

a timber baron.

Three ladies who are pros of indifferent
persuasion. Well, then that call could

have come from anybody on the yacht.

No. Yeah.

Yeah.

But we still have the money to use as
bait.

That's right. We just don't know who's
going to take the hook. So? So.

Hiya. Hi, Teddy.

These tickets? Yeah.

50 -yard line? Yeah.

You guys didn't have to do this. Yes, we
did.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's show our
appreciation for the Pioneer Marching

under the direction of Dr. William
Luscher.

Reminder, playoff tickets go on sale at
9...

We go to tell Myron why he's got the
best seat in the house.

Only if you want to give him terminal
indigestion.

I'll take this aisle. I'll take this
aisle.

Today's attendance, 52 ,104.

A Pioneers organization, thank you.

Our San Diego Police Department would
like to remind all fans to please stay

the field.

Okay, so what do you say? It's the 13
-13 tie. Brand new ball game.

What do you want to do? Go double or
nothing the second half?

Not me. This game's costing me enough
already.

He'll throw in a draft choice. A draft
choice I don't need.

But the chicken I could use. You want to
trade for the chicken?

No way, man. That chicken puts more
people in the seats than the team does.

Are you sure you want to leave this
hanging out there on a bench?

Why, you think it's going to get lonely?

No, but I don't want to be in the hook
to the boys in New York for this much.

Especially if they don't get paid back
on time.

Look, relax. I told you. The man has a
temporary cash flow problem, okay?

This time next week, he's going to have
ten times that, twenty times that.

He says it is good. At the end of three
quarters, ladies and gentlemen, it's the

Florida Shark 16 and the California
Pioneers 13.

Anybody go near the blanket yet?

Nobody's picked it up yet.

How come?

They'll pick it up.

Nobody's going to leave 60 grand lying
there.

And now it's time to separate the men
from the boys. The Pioneers are down 18

13. There's only one timeout left and
the scoreboard clock shows less than 30

seconds to play.

He's got the snap.

He's called a cross play. He hands the
ball off to fullback Warren. Warren

supplies the Sharks. They're caught flat
-footed. He's all the way up to the 35,

to the 40. He's at midfield.

He could possibly go all the way fast.

He's down to the 40 -yard line of the
Sharks. And now he makes it all the way

the 30 moving along the sideline. He
cuts back toward the interior of the

and gets down to the 20.

At least we're still ahead.

For now.

Don't worry.

The first person who touches that case
catches a bullet.

Here it is, Wes. The whole season is on
the line right now. Maybe the

championship, too. If the Pioneers
score, they win. If they don't, it's the

Sharks at Salt Lake City next week.

The man went to quarterback drill.

Joe, come on over here. On the first
set. Ready?

About four seconds left to play in this
dramatic contest, ladies and gentlemen.

And you?

What do you think the closed circuit
rights are worth? About a million?

Closer to two.

Eh, well, maybe next time we'll lose,
huh?

Lady?

Sure you guys want me to just leave it
up there like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Trust me, okay?

There you go.

They gotta be out there somewhere.

They'll pick it up.

Yeah, I mean, you know, they gotta take
it back to somebody, right?

Right? Right.

That's far enough, Mr. Emery.

Come on, Emery.

It's over.

Come on, A .J., move!

I think they got the message.

Rick! That's enough!

I wasn't gonna hurt him.

Now, you guys want me to believe that
none of this had anything at all to do

with any of the football teams? Afraid
not.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

Oh, sure it does.

See, Carl Emery just wanted the Pioneers
to lose so that when the Sharks played

Salt Lake, they'd have to play the game
in Salt Lake City.

Where he owns all the cable television,
right?

And don't forget, a playoff game like
that is worth a couple million dollars

closed -circuit TV.

Well, maybe even more than that.
Remember, they charge ten bucks a house

Dummy! Oh, I forgot!

Forgot what? To call my bookie.

I finally win a bet and I forget to
collect.

Hello, Louie?

This is Myron.

Now, Louie, I definitely don't want to
take it out on trade. Now, yeah, I know

country blues is a good horse.

Four to one?

Okay, Louie, I'll tell you what. I put
half my winnings on country blues to

No, no.

Yeah, we've gotten a lift. What about
the phone?

The phone's still tapped.

Yeah.

Hello, Louie?

Hello, Louie?