All language subtitles for Simon & Simon s01e04 A Recipe for Disaster

Child -stealing is a police matter. No,
no police.

They should be more comfortable in the
trunk.

These are human lives we're playing
with. A lot of people are gonna die.

Battle stations.

Oh boy.

If it takes three bodies on the side of
the road, I want the rock back.

One blast and the whole field could go
up into town along with it.

Are we sitting right on top of this
thing?

when they wiped out the Death Colony
with the Poison Crystal.

Remember they all started turning green?

Daddy!

Huh? What's the matter? You liked Space
Warp the first time we saw it. You said

you liked it even more the second time.

Well, honey, I was looking for a phone
booth. I have to make one call before we

go in, okay?

Another one? We'll miss the princess
escaping from the planet Targon. No, we

won't. Um, I'll tell you what.

You hold our place in life.

and I'll be back in a micro light
second.

Before my dad goes away again, I'm going
to get him to buy me a Cronon wire.

You know, the one with all the darts.

I got slime bees for my birthday.

His head and tail comes off, and you can
take him in the tub.

I've got him. 500 miles to talk to you.
We've been friends for 15 years and you

won't even see me face to face.

Because these are human lives we're
playing with. A lot of people are going

die. I don't care how much money is at
stake.

What you can't do without me, you know
that.

Well, then I'll make the decision for
you.

You bet I'm threatening you.

This is Dennis Wilkie with First
Fidelity calling for Richard Simon.

This is in reference to a car payment.

It's the third time I've called, and I'm
afraid if I don't get a response, I'm

going to have to turn this matter over
to our collection department.

Hi, it's Donna from Leather World for
AJ.

Your suede jacket came in today.

I'll be here till nine all week.
Whatever it is, it's going back.

It can't. It can't. No, see, I got this
on sale, and you're never ever going to

be able to buy a VSA this cheap again.
Not ever.

$300? You pay $300 for a VSA? Don't
worry about it. I'm paying for it on

Your time, not mine. I do not need a
VSA.

What is a VSA?

Sentry voice stress analyzer
electronically processes speech from any

live, recorded, or telephone.

Monitors emotional stress levels. What?

Let you know whether people are lying or
not. Rick, our bank account is in Death

Valley. You are now ordering up the
vultures.

If you want toys, you call Fatta Claus.

We haven't even paid off your night
vision glasses from last week.

Beautiful.

How did you get here?

What are you doing here?

I sneaked out of the house while you
were on the phone.

I'm hungry.

Are we there yet?

You've done something very bad. Do you
know that? Do you?

I just wanted to come with you, Daddy.

Do you realize what your mother must be
going through? How scared she is? We

could call her.

She's got police looking for you all
over the state.

Probably thinks I kidnapped you.

I can tell them you didn't.

Worst possible time.

Of all the stupid things to do, Irene.

I'm sorry, Daddy.

Okay, look.

We'll get to San Miguel, we'll call Mom,
and then we'll get you back home as

soon as possible. Do you hear me?

May I do the shift? No, sit down.

I'll let you drive.

That was three years ago at Yosemite.
Looks like a fun trip.

It was. There were lots of those.

The traveling's what finally split us
up.

I didn't want Irene to grow up in a
sleeping bag, and I guess Steve didn't

to grow old behind a desk.

How long have you been separated?

A year and a half.

We wanted to be real sure before we made
it final. Well, I'm sure now.

Well, Mrs. Cain...

Your husband has violated a custody
order.

Child stealing is a police matter. No.
No police.

I couldn't do that to him.

I mean, how could Steve keep up child
support from jail?

It's tough enough waiting for the checks
to come in from Mexico every month.

Mexico? Yes, Steve's been working down
there for the last six months.

He's an explosives expert with an oil
company, and they've been out in the

field. Well, okay.

Yes, he's with a small independent here
in town, Waller Oil.

They've been working a field a few
hundred miles south of Ensenada.

I'm sure he's taken Irene down there.

Mrs. Gaines, I'm going to be very honest
with you.

It's going to be very tough for us to
work on a case like this in Mexico.

First of all, we don't even have a
license to operate down there. And

there is no extradition for this kind of
event. We don't have to worry this lady

with details.

If anybody can get Irene out of Mexico,
it's us.

Now, look, we're going to handle this
for you, okay?

Okay.

Bill, we got troubles.

Gaines' wife just hired a couple of
private investigators.

Why the hell would he have her do
something like that?

I just can't believe Steve Gaines will
try to deep -six us.

Don't worry.

Tell you, Rick. We are looking at a
recipe for disaster here.

Come on. What are you talking about,
man? This is a natural. I know Mexico

the back of an enchilada.

Hey, I do. You remember that year right
after graduation?

I split from home. Where do you think I
was?

You were hiding out from Margot Kenley's
father.

But where?

I was in Mexico working in the oil
fields. I worked roustabout. I'm telling

this. Cannot admit. Now, come on. Get in
the car. Let's go.

Rick? What? They have their own
kidnapping laws down there. Now, hey,

We get caught trying to bring that
little girl out. You and I are going to

eating fried beans and rice for the rest
of our lives. That's better than not

eating at all. Now, come on. Let's get a
move on here. You may find it amusing.

I do not like flying blind.

Hey, don't worry about it. It's where
you land that counts. Hello?

Yeah, yeah. Here's the keys to the
office, okay?

And A .J. says that he wants you to
water the plants for him.

Oh, yeah. The dwarf palm gets water
every other day, okay?

Okay. The cataractus cannot stand the
sun, so don't put that in the sun.

No sun.

Wait a minute. Maybe it's the other way
around.

Rick. Yeah, yeah. The dwarf palm can't
stand this. No. The dwarf palm gets

watered every other day.

What's that mutt doing in here?

Oh, I'm keeping him while they go to
Mexico.

Right? I wasn't referring to the dog.

Marlo will eat anything in a can or any
form of raw meat.

And we owe you a night on the town.

As soon as we get back from Mexico,
we'll pay you for it, okay? All right.

Take care of yourself.

Okay.

Adios, Myron. I'll send you a postcard.

Bon voyage.

Rick? Yeah?

Drink of the water.

I had my eye on all that for the garage
sale.

Mom, this is good stuff.

Oh, by the way, have you seen my snake
bite kiss?

It's around here somewhere.

About 15 years ago.

Okay, Mom.

How about a kiss for luck?

And one for your brother, too.

And stay away from... Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know, I know.

Water and tequila.

And things that go bump in the night.

Mom.

Bye -bye.

Hey, lighten up, Mochacchio. We're on
the high road to adventure and

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This is the big deal of the day,
all right. Behind curtain number one, we

have dysentery and scorpions.

Curtain number two, a father who will
probably kill to keep his daughter. And

number three, 50 years in the Mexican
prison of your choice. I was wondering

when you would get into the spirit of
this thing.

I don't think so, honey. This is not
exactly his style.

Jeffy!

What are you doing here?

Don't bother unpacking.

We're going out to the ranch.

Get out of my daddy's room!

It's okay, honey. They're from the oil
company.

Irene, honey, why don't you go over and
read a magazine while we go outside and

talk, okay?

I want to come, too.

She's going to have to.

You leave her out of it.

This is between Waller and me. She has
nothing to do with it. She does now.

Let's go.

I'm not going anywhere until I go to the
bathroom.

What was that?

Armadillo.

Why didn't they make lousy hunt
ornaments?

No kidding.

Hey.

Hey.

What is this doing in here, huh?

Oh, I just figured it might come in
handy. Oh, good.

You just bought half of it. Oh, no, I
didn't. Forget it, Charlie. That's your

toy. You bought it. You pay for it.

What's wrong? Why aren't you arguing
with me?

It's too hot to argue.

Oh, come on, Rick. Don't give me that.
You've never given up that easily on 300

bucks before.

Look, let's just call it even and forget
it.

Call it even? What do you mean? Call
what even? Well, you brought something

mine, I brought something of yours.
That's even, right? You brought

mine? Yeah. What did you bring?

What did you bring in?

Rick! I just taped that little
lightweight .38 to the wheel well there.

never know when you're going to need a
friend.

You brought firearms? arms into Mexico?
Are you insane?

No, I'm just careful.

Well, that's nice, Rick. That's nice.

Now the Federales can get us for
kidnapping and smuggling. Will you come

Well, we're young. This case is going to
be over in no time. You know that,

don't you?

No, Gaines is going to be real happy to
give us that kid.

It's always the same way in a case like
this. The father starts feeling sorry

about it as soon as the kid starts
yelling for mama.

Too bad your kid had to get dragged into
this.

Yeah.

All you had to do was keep your mouth
shut and you would have been rich.

Would have been nice for her.

Good college, clothes.

You could have bought her a car when she
turned 16.

Unless, of course, I'm right and we end
up blowing this town off the face of the

map.

And she'd come and visit me in prison.

Jack, there's still enough time to talk
to Waller.

If we all agree not to go along with
this insanity.

Getting rich isn't insane.

Being paranoid is.

Look, why don't you just relax?

Stop making waves.

Enjoy the water. Yeah, before we all go
under.

You want to know something? I don't
really much care what happens to you

anymore. If we didn't need you for the
blasting...

It's your kid I feel sorry for.

What did he mean, Daddy?

Nothing, honey.

Did I do something else wrong?

You couldn't do anything wrong if you
tried. You know that?

You're perfect just the way you are.

where that came from.

Do you speak English?

I thought so.

My name is Tom Seymour, and today could
be the best day of the rest of your

life. Look out there.

What do you see?

Manuel and his chicken. No, you have to
use more than your eyes. You have to

look into the future.

Couldn't that be Ricardo Montalban on
location in front of your famous

of the dancing waters?

Knock out that wall.

What do you see?

There is the Club Med, frolicking in
your Olympic -sized swimming pool.

In the swimming pool?

The stables!

A nightclub!

Featuring everybody from, oh, Trini
Lopez to Bobby Vinton.

And $50 ,000 a year for the manager who,
if I'm not mistaken, looks very much

like you.

Am I wrong?

Yes.

No. When?

Oh, as soon as I make my report to the
brass, bring them down here. My chain

will move in before you can say rich
Corinthian leather.

Well, it just so happens the hotel is
for sale.

Ah.

Signore? I'm a little worried about the
view here. I think, uh...

I'm afraid how that's going to look from
the second story. I'll tell you what,

why don't you just have one of the maids
take me upstairs and I'll check it out,

okay? Maids?

What maids?

Of course.

Why don't you just give me the passkey
and I'll go check it out for myself,

What is this?

Hey, who did I talk to you about getting
a job?

A friend of mine told me his outfit
might be hard.

Maybe. What do you do?

Oh, a little bit of everything.

Work roughneck, mostly.

Hey, Luis, can you use another body on
your gang?

Don't mind him. Ace Gringo.

Uh -huh.

Now you want to see his Frank Dawson,
school busher.

All right.

Tell me this now.

Is that fellow working around here named
Gaines?

A buddy of mine said if he was, I was to
look him up.

Yeah, he's with us. I got a message I
want to deliver to him. Why don't you

it to me? I'll give it to him.

I don't think you want to do that. See,
when old Clyde told me to give him the

message, he said I better get ready to
either duck, run, or fight.

Well, uh, whenever I see him, I guess
I'll see him.

I'll come back in a while and talk to
this fellow Dawson. Is that it?

You can talk to him right now. That him?

Hey, Frank, another roughneck for you.

Howdy.

Find out if he knows how to handle a
rig.

We've got a stuck valve on the pipeline
down by number four.

Get a new man, we'll lose another week.

I'm telling you, gang is driving
everybody crazy talking about blowing

up. Just talk, forget it. What if it
isn't?

What if he's right?

He's not right.

There's always a risk.

For two million dollars apiece, that's
one risk I'm willing to take.

Okay, senor.

Okay, we lose the mariachis and we go,
we go electronic.

Electronic.

Comprende?

Space invaders.

Pong, eh?

Ganyfives. Go fish.

Just what I've been trying to tell you,
Bill.

When they first opened this field, it
was all directional drilling. We're down

to 12 ,000 feet on a 30 -degree angle,
which puts us right underneath the town.

Now, this kind of geological structure
supports natural gas caverns with one

blast, and the whole field could go up
in the town along with it. You got any

sixes? Nope.

Let me see the core sample.

No, I don't have any.

Well, you saw that one. I only have one.
It's only one.

Looks normal enough to me.

It is normal. And if a thousand human
lives weren't involved, we could go

and blast and take our chances.

What do you want me to do, evacuate the
whole town?

Pemex hears about this, we're out of
business.

I promise them results by Friday.

We are guests in this country.

It's bad enough you've been shooting
your mouth off.

Please!

I've been scraping sand and dust for 30
years waiting for a chance like this. I

haven't seen my daughter in 10 months.

Okay, so your marriage is on the rocks.

Busted backs and broken marriages are
part of the territory.

But this is one chance we have to live
the rest of our lives in comfort.

I don't think we'll ever have another
chance like this again.

Jack, why don't you take Irene for a
ride around the ranch?

Oh, neat!

Yeah, neat.

How much did you tell your wife about
this?

I didn't tell her anything. Why?

She sent a couple of private detectives
down here. Did you have her do that?

No, I didn't have her do that.

She must have sent them down here after
Irene.

Okay, look, whether you like it or not,
we need each other right now.

Look, Steve, I'm offering you a deal.

We send Irene back home tomorrow.

But forget about all the trouble you've
been causing. You even keep your share.

Two million dollars, give or take.

All you have to do is stay on the job
and let me take the responsibility of

happens.

Remember, my name is on the company.
You're just following orders.

Believe me, pal.

Everything's going to be okay.

This is the last nowhere town we'll ever
have to see.

Maybe you can straighten your marriage
out.

Watch your kid grow up.

Steve, let's not blow this.

Why don't you go find the kid and tell
her she's going back?

Yeah.

Make sure of one thing.

If what he says is true and there is an
accident, he's got to be a charter

member of the casualties.

And for the floor show, we will have the
joggers.

Real Las Vegas style.

And for the reservations, we'll have the
computer on the desk. You know, the

toll -free number.

First class.

Toll -free number, my hotel.

Hey, Rick.

I thought we were going to meet alone.
We don't need a stenographer here. No,

she's a registered nurse.

I'll pass.

No, it's okay. She doesn't speak a word
of English. Besides, she's good cover,

don't you think?

Um, ooh.

Give me a hand here.

What? Give me a hand here.

Here we go.

See there?

Chivalry's not dead.

He's got a busted rib.

Don't you think he ought to be home in
bed?

That sounds like very good, sound
medical advice.

Of course, I might need a second opinion
when Rosie's got a cousin. Yeah, well,

you know, Mom wanted me to tell you
something.

Hey, we like your car.

Yeah.

Oh, well, gee, that's nice. But, you
know, it's not that uncommon. There were

quite a lot of them made. That was a
very popular year. They made a lot of

Maybe you can give us all a ride, huh?

Sure, I'd love to.

That's a great idea, but you know, it's
going to be a little crowded.

Why don't we go in two cars?

Well,

that helps, but it's still going to be
very crowded, and maybe what we could do

is just talk right here.

Get in the car.

Hey, you want to talk in the car? We'll
talk in the car. That's all right. I

don't mind.

Well, now I know what they mean by
Mexican standoff.

All right, now you put your knife down
and you tell your friends to go home.

Luis Ramon, come in.

You're looking for Steve Gaines, aren't
you?

We are?

He sent me to get both of you. He wants
to talk to you.

He's waiting outside of town.

He wants to talk to us. He can talk to
us in the hotel by himself.

All right.

Anyway, I talked with Margie on the
phone, and she understands what

told her that you'd have Irene home
tomorrow evening.

As far as your injury's concerned, that
was a mistake.

Somebody out the side got the wrong idea
about why you were here.

That's all.

So, anyway...

I'll bring Irene into town tomorrow
morning so you get an early start. But

is one thing you could do for me if you
would.

Drop this off in San Diego. The address
is right there on it.

Along with this.

It'd be worth a little extra to me if
you wouldn't mention it to anybody.

Why is that?

Well, it's pretty technical.

Actually, we're trying to reactivate a
series of old played -out wells down

here, and I have a few questions I need
answers for.

It's not that important.

What's wrong?

Nothing very much. We just got a very
expensive piece of equipment over there.

Says you're lying, that's all.

Why would I lie to you?

You were hired to come down here and
bring Irene back. I'm saying you can do

that.

Listen to me.

Your daughter scrolled a message on the
bathroom door with a piece of crayon

that said help.

Someone tried to bust up my brother.

You're asking us to smuggle stuff out of
the country for you. Now you're telling

me everything is fine and dandy?

Now you can tell me it's none of my
business.

But you were in some kind of trouble,
fella.

You're jumping to the wrong conclusions.

I want to trouble out guys with my ex
-wife.

Now, look, I used to work as a
mudlogger. I know a little bit about

that secondary recovery can get to be
pretty dangerous.

It looks to me like you got a low
-yield, high -pressure gas zone here.

Am I right?

Why don't you just level with us?

Maybe you better read the letter.

Are we sitting right on top of this
thing?

Look.

Got it.

Irene, I want you to meet Uncle AJ.

It's Irene.

Hi, Irene. Nice to meet you. Now, I want
you to have a good ride home, and don't

give him any trouble, okay?

When will I see you again?

Well, that's kind of hard to say, honey.

But you know, when you think about
someone, it's the same as being with

And I want you to remember that I think
about you all the time.

Me too.

Hey, uh... Excuse me, do you happen to
have an extra map in there that I could

borrow? Why not?

Well, tell you what, let me check my
directions with you. I go past the

here and go down to the end of the road,
turn left, and take that out to the

highway.

That's it.

Okay, thank you very much. I appreciate
it.

What kind of car you got?

57 Chevy convertible.

Well, I won't go unless we have the top
down.

Well, that's the only way we fly,
sweetheart.

Come on.

Be a good girl. Okay, Daddy. Take care.
Yeah.

We're gonna come back there and make
you.

He knows damn well if anything goes
wrong, that rock will send us up for

I tried to reason with him.

I tried to protect his daughter for him.
Now I've had it.

Want me to go get him? No.

I'm going to need him for the black
thing.

I'll take care of him later.

He must have given that core sample to
those detectives.

Get on the radio. Find out who we've got
to intercept them. I don't care how

they do it. I want that rock back.

If it takes three bodies on the side of
the road, I want the rock back.

Got it.

Sweetheart maybe later after we stop

Maybe

should be

more comfortable in the trunk

Ponce, if you go get the truck, bring it
around back. I'll finish loading this.

How's Gaines doing?

What's taking him so long? He's loaded
up and ready to go out to the rig.

Good.

Well, it won't be long now.

We're in good shape.

I got a hold of Knox up at number 14.
He's going to have a little surprise

waiting on that Chevy.

Good.

for a while, I don't think I can take
another hundred bottles of beer on the

wall.

Sit down.

I'm telling you, I don't trust him.

Steve, how long?

Yeah, just have to check the timers and
detonators, that's all.

We don't have to trust him.

All we have to do is make sure he does
his job.

Irene, Irene, darling, why don't you sit
back and try and take a nap for a

little while, all right? Yeah, and eat
your lunch. No.

Hey, come on. I went through all the
trouble to buy that stuff for you. They

went through all the trouble to fix it.
Now sit back there and eat it. Come on.

I don't want to.

Hey, look, if you don't eat it, I'm
going to pull over here somewhere and

back there and make you eat it.

I'm not hungry.

Look, if she doesn't want to eat it, she
doesn't have to. Just leave her alone,

all right? Hey, you keep out of this. I
spent five bucks on that stuff. She's

going to eat it.

Sorry, she hasn't had anything since
breakfast. So what? She's not going to

starve. Who are you, man? Dr. Spock?
That kid's got to eat.

Look, why'd you let her order all the
junk food then? What junk food? That's

nutritious. She's better off not eating
it.

Pork is non -nutritious. Lettuce and
tomatoes are not nutritious. I eat that

stuff all the time. Well, I rest my case
right there.

Freeze -dried pizza and onion rings
didn't go to the moon with the

Battle stations.

Oh, boy.

Uh, Irene?

We're going to play a little game.

What kind of a game?

Your Uncle Rick and I used to play it
when we were kids. It's called Chicken.

Got a drunk driver?

Not a chance.

Why are we going back?

Well, we were going to meet your dad up
ahead about 20 miles, but on second

thought, we decided to pick him up.

I knew he was too good

a powder man.

Have Dawson bring the chopper out here.

Base camp, come in.

Come in, base camp. Over.

There's the princess.

And look at the Lungarian guards.

Uh -huh. Didn't you guys have these when
you were kids?

Sure, of course we did.

We had, uh, let's see. Well, we had a
monster named Kluszewski.

And he had these giant killer arms.

And then there was a prince named Whitey
Ford.

Yeah? Yeah.

Then there was this terrifying group of
pirates from the planet Pittsburgh.

And they stole the sacred pennant.

And they wouldn't give it back. And I
think you better hit the deck again,

sweetheart.

This isn't working.

If you got any better ideas, I want to
hear them now.

I got

one. What?

Hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a
hundred bottles of beer.

Take one down, pass it around, ninety
-nine bottles of beer on the wall,

-nine bottles of beer on the wall,
ninety -nine bottles of beer.

Take one down, pass it around, ninety
-eight bottles of beer on the wall,

-eight bottles of beer on the wall,
ninety -eight bottles of beer.

You take one down, pass it around,
ninety -seven bottles of beer on the

ninety -seven bottles of beer on the
wall, ninety -seven bottles of beer.

We'll take one down, pass it around.

96 bottles of beer on the wall. 96
bottles of beer on the wall. 96 bottles

beer. We'll take one down, pass it
around.

Learn this. Years in the Orient or what?

No. Down at the Y.

Oh, that's good. That's nice.

Um,

I was, ooh, thinking a little bit later
maybe we could slip into something more

comfortable.

Like the ocean.

You know me, Rick.

Whatever floats your boat. Oh, yeah.

Ooh. A little bit lower. On the right
there. Yeah. Ooh. Ooh. That's perfect.

Oh.

Ooh.

Hi.

No.

Marlowe Repel Borders.

Now, I hate to interrupt, but remember,
Rick, you did have a previous, uh,

engagement this evening. I'm sorry, Don.
I warned him about overbooking.

Ah! No, Cheryl, look, you don't
understand.

But look, what about tomorrow night?

Sorry.

Yes, you are.

Hurry up, Rick!

We've got to eat fast so we don't miss
the movie.

Oh, movie two, huh?

Sure, it's a double feature. That's
right.

Steve and Margie are going to be out
late celebrating tonight.

They have a lot to talk about.

Janet, we owe you at least a dinner. So
you pick the restaurant, okay?

Okay. Um, there's a great taco place
that just opened near the war.