Original subtitles

[**]

[Lucille Humming]

- Mm-hmm...

- Hey, y'all!

- "Hey, y'all." Hey, you!

Yeah, yeah, cleaning up after that wild little party you threw last night.

- Oh shoot, boy. - Mm-hmm!

We saw you and your little friends on the Ring camera.

- (whistles) Got you! - Mm-hmm!

We were just playing Spades, that's all.

- Playing Spades? You was in here acting all loose

like you was at a Chaka Khan concert.

- When you have as many winning books as Mildred and I had,

whoo, you gotta jump up and celebrate, baby!

- Whoa, whoa, stop, stop. All right, Auntie, relax!

- Slow down before you pop, lock, and drop your hip out of socket.

- Oh, you just jealous 'cause you can't shake it like I can!

- (laughs) We saw that on the tapes.

- Anyway, I am cleaning up

because my son is coming to town.

- Eric? - Yep!

- Oh, my, I haven't seen him in years!

- And that's for good reason.

- I am so glad that he is finally coming back home from LA!

- My boy's coming back!

- Do you remember when you and Eric would go out there and play

until those streetlights came on?

- Oh my God, those were the days. Riding bikes,

breaking windows with home runs, TP-ing houses on Halloween.

I cannot... Ooh, wait!

See, I'm excited.

I can't wait to be back right where we left off!

- I'm sure you'll have a blast playing ding-dong ditch on the neighbors.

Plus, you're too old to be playing video games

and eating pizza all night.

- Psh! Thanks, Mom.

Come on, babe!

Loosen up!

I haven't had the experience, the pure unadulterated joy

of a sleepover in years.

Baby, baby, please. Can Eric spend the night?

- Listen, my son Eric is an angel now,

you're not even gonna know he's here.

- Won't even know! - Okay, look.

He's gotta leave that wild, single lifestyle back in LA.

No beer pongs, no dishes in the sink,

and he needs to keep some socks on those feet.

Last time he was here, he cut up the carpet with those man toes.

- You're talking about old Eric. He don't even watch "Booty and The Beast" no more.

He threw that out. That's change!

- Okay, you know what? You just talked yourself all out of it.

No. The answer's no. Boom. - Baby, baby!

- I wasn't asking.

[**]

- What's up with the Super Bowl decor?

- Yeah, 'cause I thought we were prepping for the Scripps Howard Fund's

"If You Give a Child a Book" campaign.

- We are, but do you remember that ex-football star

who's now a clean-cut TV host

that used to have a lisp everybody loves?

- Oh, Michael Strangler! - Yes, yes.

- Ooh, I love to watch him host "Salsa with the Stars".

Honey, he can dip his chip any time!

- Ooh, Auntie!

Okay, well he will be here

hosting a charity edition of the "Kinfolk Quiz" show.

So, I needed some autographs, you know, to sell them online.

- It is a charity event, Aaliyah.

- Yes, and I'm planning a charity trip to Cancun!

- Hey, look who we found at the airport!

- All the way from LA!

- My baby is finally back home!

Oh! - Goodness!

- Oh Mom, it's so great to see you.

Oh, you look more beautiful than ever.

- Oh, boy! - Aw!

- What's up, cuz? - Hey!

- Hey! - You know, I hear that all the time in LA.

- Hey, yo, what's cracking, cuz?

What's cracking, cuz? - Oh, whoa, whoa!

- That means something completely different out there!

- Okay, cousin. - I missed you, LiLi.

- I missed you too!

Well, I'ma head to the store.

I gotta get some more Michael Strangler jerseys,

and I was thinking if I rub them in mud say they're game-worn,

I could sell them for double.

- I love the way you think!

- Thank you! - I love the way you think.

- Hello, Eric. Good to see you. Mm-hmm.

Oh, well you're wearing socks, so that's a good start.

- Baby, w-w-why we talking about old stuff?

At least he got on pants. Remember when he went cul-de-sac streaking?

He almost got us kicked off the block!

(laughs) Hey, progress baby, growth!

You know what I'm saying?

Growth, cuh, you know?

- Mama, can I borrow you and talk to you about something?

- Baby, listen, we're gonna have plenty of time to talk.

Hey, why don't we go over and visit Pastor Jenkins

just to so he can see how big you are?!

You know the boy is grown, right?

Yes, I know that, Brother Henry.

And don't you go around telling people how old you are.

They'll start calculating how old your mama is.

(laughs) Come on, let's go see Pastor Jenkins.

- What room you want him in?

- With his mama!

Not a lot of space, Pop.

Ain't got a lot of space, now, okay?

- Is that that superstar accountant Alfonso Williams I see?

- No, no it ain't!

No, it ain't. Boy, what up, Dave?

- What's good with it? - How it be going, boy?

Hey man, everybody at the firm miss you on them video conferences, man.

You used to have us weak!

Man, how you doing?

- Just another day, another dollar, brother!

- Man, you looking clean though!

I know you make money. How's retirement?

- Well, you know, I really never stopped working,

which brings me in here today.

I actually might have a lucrative business opportunity for you.

- Oh, I like the word lucrative,

and my middle name is business.

- I thought your middle name was Cletus.

My middle name is don't get your ass whooped, okay?

- All right, brother. Okay.

- That is an office joke, Dave!

Now come on, let me give you a tour, that's an office joke.

My middle name is Bernard, sir!

[**]

- Ain't nothing on these plates vegan, baby!

Ain't nobody season chicken like your mama!

That's why I love her, 'cause she can cook.

Let me go wash up!

- Thanks for fixing this, Mama, but,

I gotta talk to you about something. - Okay.

The reason that-- - Lucille!

I need a rematch on my spades, honey, and something to eat!

- Don't y'all know how to knock?

- Child, she's on a date!

- Ooh, and he's handsome, too with them Michael Ealy eyes!

- Okay, we gonna leave y'all lovebirds to it.

- Ooh, but record it for me, baby,

and we gonna watch it later with some tea!

- This is not my date!

This is my son!

- Oh, that's what you're calling him now, huh?

- Oh, shut up, Mildred. Come on and sit down!

Eric, please meet my friends. This is Jackie and Mildred.

- Hey. - Okay, it's nice to meet you, ladies.

- Jackie, the son is real!

Ha-ha-ha, pay up!

- Aw, dang it...

- Y'all actually placed a bet on whether Eric really existed?

- Yes! - Well, you know, you're always mentioning him,

but we have never seen him in the flesh!

- Mm-hmm. - What?

- Lord, who let the cougars out of the zoo?

- I can't believe you said that.

You're just mad 'cause we don't be roaring over you!

[Henry Laughs]

- So Eric, sweet thing, said Eric, honey, darling,

what exactly is it that you do?

- Oh, now Eric is a food truck entrepreneur out of Los Angeles.

- And he's about to open up a new one right here in Chicago.

- That's right. - Oh, that's the way I like 'em,

sweet and always on the move!

[They Laugh] - I, I haven't,

I haven't quite closed the deal yet, so it's--

- Oh baby, that's okay.

After all I have invested in that business,

I hope we get trucks all over the world!

- And when that happens, Uncle's gonna need his 100% discount.

- Oh please, brother, that would never happen

because as much as you eat, you'd put us out of business in a day!

- You need to meet my daughter, baby.

She would love you!

- Why you talking about your daughter when he could have me?

- Because she needs a man.

- Look, I said y'all too old!

- I've started my own firm, Richter Financial.

Like, Richter scale, like we about to be shaking up the industry--

- I get it, I get it, Dave.

- Yeah, and see, I have secured some top-notch clients.

And brother, when I say that these investors' pockets are deep,

they are deep, okay?

And I want you to come work beside me

as my executive accountant.

Wow.

An executive? That is, uh...

That's a dream come true!

I'd love to come and join you...

- Perfect! Dammit, see? See, I knew you would be in!

And look, man. We got offices downtown

overlooking the city, the whole nine, okay?

And, look, you ain't really have to be there. Why?

Because you will be traveling with me

catering to the international clients.

- Traveling?

Bro, worldwide?

- Yeah.

[He Scoffs]

- Mm, nah man, I-I-I...

I don't think I can do it, man. - Okay, okay, all right.

Look, we can get you first-class seats.

No, listen to me.

I have to run this place, man, for my family.

- Al, this is a life-changing opportunity.

- All right, you got my attention. - Okay.

This would be your salary.

And see, those are guaranteed numbers.

And on top of that, you would have the opportunity for bonuses.

Mm-hmm.

- T-That's a lot of money.

- D-Damn right, that's a lot of money!

Look, I really need your expertise on my team, okay?

We can go after all the things that we ever dreamed about.

Okay?

You being your own boss,

traveling the world,

becoming financially independent, dammit!

I mean, I mean, I-I-I, I've seen this

in my head, I ran it a million times, I just...

Damn!

Dave, that's a lot of money!

- Okay.

I want you to think about it.

Call me.

I'ma leave this right here.

Think about it.

Call me!

Right there.

Al.

Scared money don't make no money, baby!

[**]

[Door Closes]

[**]

- Well, I'm excited to see Kinfolk Quiz Game.

- Uh, well don't get too excited.

One of the families dropped out.

- What happened? - Apparently, the real "Family Feud" booked them,

and they kicked us to the curb. - Wow.

- Well, I hope the white family wins.

- So about that, um, they needed a replacement family

so I kinda pitched us to fill in!

- W-What, why? Why would you do that without telling us?

- Right! I wanted to laugh at oth chaotic drama,

not showcase our own.

- Because you two are the smartest people I know,

which makes the perfect teammates, and I think we can win.

- I don't know. - Y-Y-You really think we could win?

- Yes, and we'll get a tax write-off, and some good press!

- Okay, tax write-off. - See?

- What you think, baby?

- Eh... All right, all right.

If we're gonna do it, we gotta do it right. Let's go win this thing!

- That's what I'm saying! - Did you tell Henry yet?

- Yes, and you know Daddy don't need no reason to get on a stage.

- Okay, well let's go get prepared.

- Come on. Hey. - Yay!

Don't volunteer us for anything else, you hear me?

- No promises!

Oh!

You must be Mr. Strangler.

- It's nice to meet you. How you doing? - Yes, I'm good!

I'm Aaliyah. I am, uh, today's event coordinator. Yeah.

- It's wonderful to meet you, Aaliyah.

But please, call me Michael.

Okay, well Michael,

(laughs) do you mind signing some memorabilia for the charity?

- I thought I already signed some things earlier but, uh...

- Yeah, they forgot some stuff, you know...

- Okay! - It's for the kids.

- Michael love the kids! - Ooh, me too!

[**]

- Hey look, Mom, before we grab our seats, there's something I wanna talk to you about.

- Well, you can talk to me about anything, baby, what is it?

- Hey, Auntie!

I see your arm candy.

How much did this fine, angelic specimen hit you up for?

- Huh?!

- Look, I'm just trying to borrow him before you return him.

- He's not an escort, girl! - No?

- I'm her son.

- You the food truck guy we all thought was fake?

- Eric, the name of this species is Mia.

- Hey, boo.

Now, look here, if you need a taste test for your food truck,

I do have tantalizing taste buds waiting for you.

Ooh!

- Get on up out of here!

Listen, let's go in there and check out Henry,

and I hope they have some of those little mini quiches.

Now, they give me gas, but ooh, they're just so good!

- Mama, look, I gotta get this off my chest.

I'm not in the food truck business.

- Well, what hell you been doing with all of my money?!

- Okay, look, just hear me out.

I've been working on being a musician.

Okay, and I've been taking your money,

and I've been using it to finance my studio time.

- Whoa, Eric. Let me get this straight.

So all this time, you mean to tell me

you've been lying to me, and stealing?!

Boy, you must have lost your damn mind!

- Look, Mama, I know what this looks like. You got every right to be mad.

- Oh, mad? Oh, I am so beyond mad, Eric!

Why didn't you tell me?!

- Because I knew that you wouldn't send me anymore money if you knew.

But look, I feel really guilty.

That's why I wanted to come clean.

- Oh, speaking of clean,

you're lucky I don't mop this floor with your ass!

You better be glad that I'm saved!

[Door Slams]

[**]

- We got a great game of Kinfolk Quiz going so far, folks,

with the Williams family in a slight lead.

- Let's go, baby.

- All right, all right, all right, all right!

In this round, they must correctly match answers to win some points.

All right.

First question.

Who is your sibling's celebrity crush?

[Buzzer Sounds]

Alfonso!

- I know this one, I know this one!

Ah-ah-ah-ah, Idris Elba!

- Okay, Aaliyah says Idris Elba! [All Cheering]

All right, all right, all right!

Ten points to the Williams family!

- All right! - Let's go!

- Whoo! - So, go ahead and tell me about yourself.

- Oh, well I am Alfonso Williams

and I run this fine establishment here along with my family,

it's a family thing. Mm-hmm. - Oh, wow!

Well, let's give it up for the Williams' for--

- Also, I am executive accountant

that will soon be jet-setting around the world

with my new firm, Richter Financial.

[Henry] Congratulations, son!

- Oh, oh, okay! Well, when was I going to hear about this,

Mr. Big-Time Worldwide Accountant?

- I just announced it, babe.

- Ooh, you messed up. - Oh, okay.

So I'm learning you're leaving to travel the world

when the public does?! - No-no, baby.

Can we, can we talk about this in private?

- Oh, well apparently, you've been talking to somebody in private enough!

- Please, wait, wait!

- * Let it be, let it be...

* Baby, baby please

[All Clamoring]

- All right, you know what? Right now would be a good time

to go ahead and take a break, all right?

[Kimberly] So you weren't gonna take the job?

- I haven't officially accepted it yet.

- Then why were you taking bows and acting like a big, global hotshot?

- Baby, I got excited.

I really do want to take it. I mean, look.

Look at this salary.

Whole lot of zeros.

Whole lot of 'em.

Hey, I was gonna sign this!

- (mockingly) "I was gonna sign this!"

No, you're not signing anything until we have a chance

to discuss the specifics!

How often will you be traveling?

- I don't know.

- Monthly? Bi-monthly?

And where would you be going?

- Around the world, I assume.

- (scoffs) Wow.

Okay, and who's gonna manage Lucille's

while you're gone, Alfonso?

- Baby, I trust you guys can handle it.

- What about the kids?

You haven't even thought this through, Alfonso, see?

- No, no, I have. I have thought this through.

Okay?

This will make us financially independent,

we can retire early, travel the world, two tickets to paradise!

[Knocks On Door]

- Hey, son.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm available

to be your assistant while you travel the world.

- See right there? Everybody's excited.

Everybody's excited except you!

- You know what, Pop? Not now, okay?

- I don't understand.

- Do what you want, Alfonso, okay?

Clearly, that's your M.O.

We're not done talking about this, but let me tell you this.

All the money in the world won't buy you happiness.

- But it'll buy you that new house you was begging me for!

- All right. Henry, you ready?

[Inaudible]

Henry, Henry, you ready?

- Oh, yeah, I'm ready... - All right, all right!

What did you wear to your kids' high school graduation?

[Buzzer Sounds]

Hey, hey, that's the right... There you go!

- Uh, oh man!

A suit. - A suit?

All right, all right! Alfonso says,

"It must have been an invisible cloak

"because we didn't see him until it was over. Facts!"

- Oh!

- Ain't that a shame, man?

- Yeah, well he did show up for the picture!

- How he gonna be late?

Our last name ends at W. You can't be late for the W's!

- Oh, well at least he made it there.

Since you're a big-time traveler now,

you may not get to see our kids graduate at all!

- Oh, oh, this what you wanna do on stage?

You couldn't wait till we get off-stage to do this?

- Oh, I'm the one doing it? Okay!

- You doing it right now!

[Arguing Continues]

- Hey, hey, hey!

- We ain't at the Maury show, okay?

We doing this for charity, all right?

[All Speaking]

All right, so 20 points goes to the Pompas family,

and now the game is tied, okay? - Damn!

Let's get ready to go to our tiebreaker question.

Alfonso, do you mind going in, going to the buzzer?

- Yes, let's go!

[Lucille] All right, Alfonso!

Final question, y'all. Final question.

This is for the game. - Whoo!

What is your wife's or your husband's,

or others', favorite movie?

- Ooh, come on now.

[Buzzer Sounds] - Alfonso!

- Too slow, baby. Ha-ha-ha!

The reason I know this, uh, 'cause it was a moment for me.

It was our first date. And, uh, we cried in each others arms.

And, uh, I knew in that moment that she was gonna be able

to put up with my emotional ass for the rest of our lives!

Um, the answer is "The Notebook", final answer.

- And Kim says...

.."The Notebook"! [All Cheering]

- And the Williams family is the winner!

- Yes!

- I'm so sorry. Up top!

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh, yes!

Hey, no, no, bring it on down, baby!

[Mia Squealing]

- Henry! - I mean, y'all are a hot mess,

but y'all are an amazing team!

- I told you! And what we need to do next is go on the actual "Kinfolk Quiz" show,

and win us some real money!

- Well, if that's gonna happen, I'm going on the show, too!

Because I need to get some money

to make up for a bad scam I got invested in!

I'll see y'all back at the house.

Get out of my way, boy!

- Where's my wife and the trophy?

- She gone. - She went...

- She gone. - She, yeah...

- Look Ma, I know I shouldn't have waited so long to tell you,

but honestly, I was just...

I was afraid of admitting to the family that I was a failure.

- Here's what the failure is.

The failure is that you lied,

and if you lie, you'll steal. If you steal, you'll kill.

I went about this the wrong way.

All right, I can admit that but Mom, I am really making some progress in the music industry.

- (laughs) What are you, some kind of rapper?

You're out there gyrating on stages for panties like your uncle used to do?

- No, not at all, all right?

I've been doing scoring for movies and commercials.

I even got a jingle out there for Shawn's Mortuary.

I know you heard it.

* For all your embalming, and funerals, and cremations

* Roll on over in your grave, and come see Shawn. *

- That's the one! - Oh, it's horrible!

It doesn't even rhyme, but it is catchy!

- I also developed a new, innovative mixing board

and I've got a patent for it.

- Okay!

So my son's an inventor, too?

Wait a minute.

How do I know you're telling me the truth now?

- Mom, I'm telling you the truth,

and I'm gonna pay you back in monthly installments.

- Boy, you know, if you weren't my son, I would kill you.

- Is that your way of saying you love me?

- (crying) More than you'll ever know!

- I love you too, Mom.

- I love you, baby.

[**]

- Baby, what you doing?

- Oh, I'm just making the office feel more like home

since you'll be off crunching numbers

and having croissants in France.

- I didn't take the job, baby.

- Oh.

- Look.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was even considering it.

The thought of success and finally achieving it

made me willing to just, I don't know, risk it all.

- Well, congrats on fighting temptations

which, for the record, is my actual favorite movie.

- Oh, that's right. - I just wrote down what I knew you would say.

- Look at you, knowing your man!

- Okay, I must admit it.

The job did kinda seem like a great opportunity.

So, what made you change your mind?

- I don't know, I mean,

after remembering how my dad missed our graduation,

it made me realize I want to be here as much as possible

for the kids, for you.

And instead of chasing what we don't have now,

I'd rather invest in my family here at home.

- There's my husband.

You made the right choice.

- Did I? - Yes.

Oh, and you know, for the record,

we would've been great running Lucille's without you here.

- Nah-nah-nah, no-no-no, no, I don't think so!

I'm too important. I'm too important around these parts!

- Hmm, I don't know...

- Okay, you know you need me. Just admit it.

- What? We need you? I don't know about that.

- Oh dear, that's a spider right there!

- (shrieks) Oh, kill it! - Ha!

- You don't need me? - No, no.

- You don't need me? - Okay, well I strongly prefer to have you by my side,

uh, to kill spiders.

- Oh, to kill spiders? - Mm-hmm.