Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy... #

Well, well, well. Mandy Carter. Wonderful to see you again.

So you did get my invitation?

Invitation? It's hardly a cheese and fucking wine evening, is it?

It's not what I call an invitation!

There's no RSV-fucking-P.

It's a brown envelope with the words "Important, do not throw away" on it

and a letter that says I have to attend an interview

or my benefits might be affected, in big black letters!

Not exactly an invite to the Governor's fucking Ball, is it?!

But yet here I am.

Have I missed the vol-au-vents, or is the butler bringing those round?

OK, Mandy, as you know, I have a statutory duty

to check on the status of long-term benefits claimants

to see if there's something that is preventing them

from achieving success in the national job marketplace.

- Or whether they're just taking the mickey. - And... No.

And whether we need to devise a get-back-to-work plan for them.

Yeah, yeah, I've got a get-back-to-work plan for YOU!

Why don't YOU get back to work

instead of calling me in here every week and making me

- Miss Bridge Of Lies with Ross Kemp? - I don't know what that is.

I just don't see why we have to keep up this fiasco.

Unless...

- What? - Unless you like me coming in here.

- Oh, God. - Is that it? - No. - No? - No.

Do you think you might stand a chance with little old Mandy Carter,

- yeah, is that it? - No, Mandy, that's... That's not a thing.

- Isn't it? - No.

Isn't it?

- No. - Sometimes it's like I can feel those little beady eyes

of yours burning into me...

..mentally undressing me.

- You're doing it now. - No. I'm not.

And that's a very serious accusation, actually, Mandy.

And it's legally incumbent upon me to ask whether or not

- you'd like to register a formal complaint. - Nah.

I mean, you're only human, aren't you?

And I can't be bothered with all the forms.

But it all goes in up 'ere, for when the time is right

and BBC News want to get out of the house and investigate some perverts

who don't work in the building.

Come on, then, let's get this over with.

Right. OK, well, looking at your recent employment history, Mandy...

I mean, what happened with the waitressing job?

That was an up-market restaurant.

I had to pull a lot of strings to get you that.

And you lasted all of...23 minutes.

Apparently there was an incident with a bottle of champagne.

CORK POPS

Agh!

I've only ever seen champagne in the Formula 1.

- I thought that was how you served it. - One man lost an eye.

I mean, this is serious, Mandy.

Not to mention the dry-cleaning bill

had to be paid for out of your earnings,

meaning that, incredibly, you actually have less money now

than when you started the job. I mean, what's it going to take

for you to find something that you can actually stick with?

Can you drive?

- Why? - Why? Because it would increase the amount of jobs

- you can apply for, wouldn't it? - Oh...

- So can you drive? - Oh, um...a bit.

- What does that mean? - Well, I've had a few lessons a few years back,

but my instructors were all absolute tools, the lot of them.

- But you did have some lessons? - Yeah. 200 or 300.

- 200 or 300? - Yeah.

Not one of life's natural drivers.

- Right. OK. So, do you have a licence? - No.

Right. Well, that rules out a lot of jobs, then, doesn't it?

- Well, like what? - Like... Like... Think about it.

Like a delivery driver. Like taxi driver.

Driver. Mobile library.

- There's an ice-cream van job going. - Ice cream?

Why didn't you just say that straight off? I'll get my licence.

Oh, OK. Good. There's a really good place I can recommend, local.

They can get anyone passed within three weeks, they claim.

- Three weeks? - Yeah. - That job might be gone by then.

- It probably will. - Oh!

Leave it with me.

SHOP BELL JANGLES

Mandy? What are you doing? We don't want books in here.

They are totally at odds with the happy-go-lucky vibe

- I'm trying to create. - Been to the library.

Got out all the books they had on how to pass your driving test.

Highway Code, How To Pass Your Driving Test,

Driving Test For Dummies, Driving Miss Daisy,

Confessions Of A Driving Instructor.

You are really going to learn to drive?

Complete idiots do it. How hard can it be?

What is that on your arm? Tattoos?

Oh, no. It's, uh, braking distances. I've got my theory later.

Good luck, Mandy!

- Would you like me to test you on road signs? - No need.

Got 'em all up my legs.

Could do with a lift to the test centre, though.

Could be the last lift you ever have to give me.

- Name? - Mandy Carter.

- Is there anywhere I can get a cuppa soup while I wait? - I'm afraid not.

- Have you got anything to put in a locker? - Locker?

Why do I need a locker? I'm here for a test,

not 20 lengths of breast stroke.

You have to put your things into a locker

just to make sure you can't cheat.

- I've got nothing. - OK, well, great. Then you just need to be checked.

- Checked? - Let me have a little look at your ears, please. - Ears? Why?

Some people try to put earpieces in so that a friend can help them.

- Dirty cheats. - Yes.

Yeah, people like that should be banned from the roads.

Ears.

Now just roll up your sleeves and trousers, please.

SHE GULPS

Sleeves and... Why?

You're not going to believe this, but some people actually

try and write the answers up their arms and legs.

ALL LAUGH

Uh-oh, Mandy!

- How are you feeling? - Not too great, actually.

- Think I better go home. - Oh, God, that's a crying shame.

- You're going to have to get booked in for another time. - Yeah.

OK, well, no rush. You just leave whenever you're feeling better.

I'm going to head back to reception.

Oh, hang on. Um, cos I just wanted to ask,

um...how long does the test...actually...take?

Really good question. It's about an hour.

- About an hour? - Mm. - Right. So, what, that's, like, 60...

- ..minutes... - Yeah. - ..then? - Yeah.

- Yeah, it's about that. - Yeah, all right, thanks for the tea, bye.

Congratulations, Mandy. I'm pleased to say you passed your theory.

That's good, cos I've already put in for my main test.

- It's tomorrow. Hope the examiner's not too pernickety. - Uh-huh.

- Mandy Carter, ready for your test? - Yeah. - Follow me, please.

Well, you passed the eyesight test.

Yeah, seeing's no problem. Got these big eyes like boiled eggs.

Please pull away when it is safe to do so.

What are you writing?

When you went to pull away, you didn't look all the way around.

I did.

- Not all the way. - I'm not a fucking owl, am I?

- What are you writing now? - None of your business.

Well, it is my fucking business.

"Very rude"?! You're very fucking rude!

That's it! I'm terminating the test!

Oh, no, please! Please! I'm sorry, I overreacted. I'm sorry. I'm...

I'm, uh...perimenopausal

and I've got ADHD.

OK, I understand. I'll give you one last chance.

Let's start again. Please pull away when it is safe to do so.

On to the first section of the test.

Let's try an emergency stop when I...

Oh!

- Not yet! - You said "emergency stop"!

Not yet. When I bang my clipboard on the dashboard.

Well, you did bang your clipboard on the dashboard!

Please pull away when it is safe to do so.

And we're off.

I'd forgotten how much fun driving can be.

Is this a 50mph zone?

20, Miss Carter. Slow down.

TYRES SQUEAL

What is wrong with you? I said you need to go much slower.

All right, keep your hair on!

- Oh! You're an idiot! - How fucking dare you?!

I told you, you need too slow down.

All right! I mixed up the brake with the accelerator!

I beg your fucking pardon! It's my first test!

I'm not Nigel Mansell or the fucking Stig, am I?!

Keep your eyes on the road!

- What are you doing? - You were drifting! - I'll drift you!

Turn those off!

MUSIC PLAYS

- That's the radio. - Yeah, well, I can see that now, can't I?

- Keep your eyes on the road! - Don't you fucking touch me!

- You are going to kill us! - Get off!

Stop the car! Stop the car!

Right. Get out! I'll drive from here.

Good riddance.

Ah...! Stop! My coat!

SHE YELLS

MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING

Help! Somebody!

SHE YELLS

MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING

Please, please, please, please, I'm begging you!

MUSIC OFF

Oh, fucking hell. What's happened to you?

- You look awful. - You tried to kill me.

Sorry about that. Let's start again.

You're getting blood on the seat.

I think there's some wet wipes in there.

You are a lunatic!

Argh! Get off!

Get off!

You fucking idiot! Get back!

SHE SCREAMS

Get back!

I can't breathe!

Get off!

Oh!

CAR ALARM WAILS

Is that the end of the test? Have I passed?

I never want to see you ever again.

So...congratulations, Mandy Carter!

Yes!

MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

Oh, fuck me. What now?

Oh! What?

- Can I have a 99? - Please!

- Can I have a 99, please? - That's better.

Oh...

Run out of ice cream. Do you still want the flake?

Yes, please.

Run out of flakes. Do you still want the cone?

- Yes, please. - There you go.

There's no ice cream in this.

That's £1.50, please.

MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS