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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,520
This programme contains
strong language.
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00:00:04,520 --> 00:00:07,760
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:12,400
# But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
4
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:17,080
# Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
5
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,760
# And I need you today
6
00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,400
# Oh, Mandy... #
7
00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:27,080
Well, well, well. Mandy Carter.
Wonderful to see you again.
8
00:00:27,080 --> 00:00:28,920
So you did get my invitation?
9
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,800
Invitation? It's hardly a cheese
and fucking wine evening, is it?
10
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,040
It's not what I call an invitation!
11
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:37,320
There's no RSV-fucking-P.
12
00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,760
It's a brown envelope with the words
"Important, do not throw away" on it
13
00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:43,080
and a letter that says I have to
attend an interview
14
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,840
or my benefits might be affected,
in big black letters!
15
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:49,000
Not exactly an invite to
the Governor's fucking Ball, is it?!
16
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,360
But yet here I am.
17
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,160
Have I missed the vol-au-vents, or
is the butler bringing those round?
18
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,680
OK, Mandy, as you know,
I have a statutory duty
19
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,240
to check on the status
of long-term benefits claimants
20
00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,160
to see if there's something
that is preventing them
21
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:06,120
from achieving success
in the national job marketplace.
22
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,520
- Or whether they're just
taking the mickey.
- And... No.
23
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,200
And whether we need to devise
a get-back-to-work plan for them.
24
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:15,400
Yeah, yeah, I've got
a get-back-to-work plan for YOU!
25
00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,160
Why don't YOU get back to work
26
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:19,600
instead of calling me in here
every week and making me
27
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,280
- Miss Bridge Of Lies with Ross Kemp?
- I don't know what that is.
28
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:25,200
I just don't see why we have to
keep up this fiasco.
29
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,320
Unless...
30
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,560
- What?
- Unless you like me coming in here.
31
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:38,240
- Oh, God.
- Is that it?
- No.
- No?
- No.
32
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:41,240
Do you think you might stand a
chance with little old Mandy Carter,
33
00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:44,920
- yeah, is that it?
- No, Mandy,
that's... That's not a thing.
34
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,600
- Isn't it?
- No.
35
00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:49,280
Isn't it?
36
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,560
- No.
- Sometimes it's like I can
feel those little beady eyes
37
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,600
of yours burning into me...
38
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,280
..mentally undressing me.
39
00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,480
- You're doing it now.
- No. I'm not.
40
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,440
And that's a very serious
accusation, actually, Mandy.
41
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:07,000
And it's legally incumbent upon me
to ask whether or not
42
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:10,440
- you'd like to register
a formal complaint.
- Nah.
43
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,720
I mean, you're only human,
aren't you?
44
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,480
And I can't be bothered
with all the forms.
45
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:17,240
But it all goes in up 'ere,
for when the time is right
46
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,160
and BBC News want to get out of the
house and investigate some perverts
47
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,720
who don't work in the building.
48
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,560
Come on, then,
let's get this over with.
49
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:29,920
Right. OK, well, looking at your
recent employment history, Mandy...
50
00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:32,280
I mean, what happened
with the waitressing job?
51
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:33,560
That was an up-market restaurant.
52
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:35,800
I had to pull a lot of strings
to get you that.
53
00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:38,720
And you lasted all of...23 minutes.
54
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:41,320
Apparently there was an incident
with a bottle of champagne.
55
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,880
CORK POPS
56
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,880
Agh!
57
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,640
I've only ever seen champagne
in the Formula 1.
58
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,560
- I thought that was how you served
it.
- One man lost an eye.
59
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:56,160
I mean, this is serious, Mandy.
60
00:02:56,160 --> 00:02:58,360
Not to mention the dry-cleaning bill
61
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,440
had to be paid for
out of your earnings,
62
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,720
meaning that, incredibly,
you actually have less money now
63
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:06,440
than when you started the job.
I mean, what's it going to take
64
00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:09,080
for you to find something
that you can actually stick with?
65
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,440
Can you drive?
66
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,680
- Why?
- Why? Because it would increase
the amount of jobs
67
00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:19,520
- you can apply for, wouldn't it?
- Oh...
68
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,760
- So can you drive?
- Oh, um...a bit.
69
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,760
- What does that mean?
- Well, I've had
a few lessons a few years back,
70
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,880
but my instructors were all
absolute tools, the lot of them.
71
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,680
- But you did have some lessons?
- Yeah. 200 or 300.
72
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,960
- 200 or 300?
- Yeah.
73
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,480
Not one of life's natural drivers.
74
00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:39,000
- Right. OK. So, do you have
a licence?
- No.
75
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,040
Right. Well, that rules out
a lot of jobs, then, doesn't it?
76
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,680
- Well, like what?
- Like... Like... Think about it.
77
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,440
Like a delivery driver.
Like taxi driver.
78
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:48,520
Driver. Mobile library.
79
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:50,760
- There's an ice-cream van job going.
- Ice cream?
80
00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,840
Why didn't you just say that
straight off? I'll get my licence.
81
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:58,280
Oh, OK. Good. There's a really good
place I can recommend, local.
82
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,000
They can get anyone passed
within three weeks, they claim.
83
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000
- Three weeks?
- Yeah.
- That job might be gone by then.
84
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,760
- It probably will.
- Oh!
85
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,040
Leave it with me.
86
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,560
SHOP BELL JANGLES
87
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,920
Mandy? What are you doing?
We don't want books in here.
88
00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,720
They are totally at odds
with the happy-go-lucky vibe
89
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,880
- I'm trying to create.
- Been to the library.
90
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,640
Got out all the books they had
on how to pass your driving test.
91
00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,920
Highway Code,
How To Pass Your Driving Test,
92
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,080
Driving Test For Dummies,
Driving Miss Daisy,
93
00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:34,120
Confessions Of A Driving Instructor.
94
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,120
You are really going to learn
to drive?
95
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:39,080
Complete idiots do it.
How hard can it be?
96
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,120
What is that on your arm? Tattoos?
97
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:44,160
Oh, no. It's, uh, braking distances.
I've got my theory later.
98
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:46,000
Good luck, Mandy!
99
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,120
- Would you like me to test you
on road signs?
- No need.
100
00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,520
Got 'em all up my legs.
101
00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,880
Could do with a lift
to the test centre, though.
102
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:56,960
Could be the last lift
you ever have to give me.
103
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,760
- Name?
- Mandy Carter.
104
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,320
- Is there anywhere I can get a cuppa
soup while I wait?
- I'm afraid not.
105
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,680
- Have you got anything
to put in a locker?
- Locker?
106
00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,600
Why do I need a locker?
I'm here for a test,
107
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,800
not 20 lengths of breast stroke.
108
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,760
You have to put your things
into a locker
109
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,040
just to make sure you can't cheat.
110
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:22,720
- I've got nothing.
- OK, well, great.
Then you just need to be checked.
111
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,920
- Checked?
- Let me have a little look
at your ears, please.
- Ears? Why?
112
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:31,160
Some people try to put earpieces in
so that a friend can help them.
113
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,680
- Dirty cheats.
- Yes.
114
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,840
Yeah, people like that
should be banned from the roads.
115
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,560
Ears.
116
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,240
Now just roll up your sleeves
and trousers, please.
117
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,920
SHE GULPS
118
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,080
Sleeves and... Why?
119
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,720
You're not going to believe this,
but some people actually
120
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,280
try and write the answers
up their arms and legs.
121
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:55,360
ALL LAUGH
122
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,800
Uh-oh, Mandy!
123
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:05,280
- How are you feeling?
- Not too great, actually.
124
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,120
- Think I better go home.
- Oh, God, that's a crying shame.
125
00:06:08,120 --> 00:06:10,920
- You're going to have to get
booked in for another time.
- Yeah.
126
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,920
OK, well, no rush. You just leave
whenever you're feeling better.
127
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,440
I'm going to head back to reception.
128
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,120
Oh, hang on.
Um, cos I just wanted to ask,
129
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:23,960
um...how long
does the test...actually...take?
130
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,240
Really good question.
It's about an hour.
131
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,720
- About an hour?
- Mm.
- Right.
So, what, that's, like, 60...
132
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:32,960
- ..minutes...
- Yeah.
- ..then?
- Yeah.
133
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:36,920
- Yeah, it's about that.
- Yeah,
all right, thanks for the tea, bye.
134
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,680
Congratulations, Mandy. I'm pleased
to say you passed your theory.
135
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:44,200
That's good, cos I've already
put in for my main test.
136
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:48,160
- It's tomorrow. Hope the examiner's
not too pernickety.
- Uh-huh.
137
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:55,440
- Mandy Carter, ready for your test?
- Yeah.
- Follow me, please.
138
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,880
Well, you passed the eyesight test.
139
00:06:59,880 --> 00:07:04,160
Yeah, seeing's no problem.
Got these big eyes like boiled eggs.
140
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,120
Please pull away
when it is safe to do so.
141
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,920
What are you writing?
142
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:16,080
When you went to pull away,
you didn't look all the way around.
143
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,880
I did.
144
00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,160
- Not all the way.
- I'm not a fucking owl, am I?
145
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:25,040
- What are you writing now?
- None of your business.
146
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:27,760
Well, it is my fucking business.
147
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,840
"Very rude"?!
You're very fucking rude!
148
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,720
That's it! I'm terminating the test!
149
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:37,240
Oh, no, please! Please! I'm sorry,
I overreacted. I'm sorry. I'm...
150
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,240
I'm, uh...perimenopausal
151
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,200
and I've got ADHD.
152
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:47,800
OK, I understand.
I'll give you one last chance.
153
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:52,640
Let's start again. Please pull away
when it is safe to do so.
154
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,920
On to the first section of the test.
155
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,680
Let's try an emergency stop
when I...
156
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,520
Oh!
157
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:20,960
- Not yet!
- You said "emergency stop"!
158
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:24,040
Not yet. When I bang my clipboard
on the dashboard.
159
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,480
Well, you did bang your clipboard
on the dashboard!
160
00:08:27,760 --> 00:08:31,000
Please pull away
when it is safe to do so.
161
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,160
And we're off.
162
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,240
I'd forgotten how much fun
driving can be.
163
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:43,840
Is this a 50mph zone?
164
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,240
20, Miss Carter. Slow down.
165
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,640
TYRES SQUEAL
166
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,960
What is wrong with you?
I said you need to go much slower.
167
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,880
All right, keep your hair on!
168
00:08:56,440 --> 00:09:00,080
- Oh! You're an idiot!
- How fucking dare you?!
169
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,400
I told you, you need too slow down.
170
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,400
All right! I mixed up the brake
with the accelerator!
171
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,560
I beg your fucking pardon!
It's my first test!
172
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,120
I'm not Nigel Mansell
or the fucking Stig, am I?!
173
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:12,640
Keep your eyes on the road!
174
00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,640
- What are you doing?
- You were drifting!
- I'll drift you!
175
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:19,120
Turn those off!
176
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,240
MUSIC PLAYS
177
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:23,120
- That's the radio.
- Yeah, well,
I can see that now, can't I?
178
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:26,080
- Keep your eyes on the road!
- Don't you fucking touch me!
179
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,480
- You are going to kill us!
- Get off!
180
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,320
Stop the car! Stop the car!
181
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:36,040
Right. Get out!
I'll drive from here.
182
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:40,840
Good riddance.
183
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,240
Ah...! Stop! My coat!
184
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,560
SHE YELLS
185
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:49,400
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING
186
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,560
Help! Somebody!
187
00:09:51,560 --> 00:09:53,200
SHE YELLS
188
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:57,680
MUSIC DROWNS OUT YELLING
189
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:00,800
Please, please, please, please,
I'm begging you!
190
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,920
MUSIC OFF
191
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,400
Oh, fucking hell.
What's happened to you?
192
00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:15,160
- You look awful.
- You tried to kill me.
193
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,880
Sorry about that. Let's start again.
194
00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:24,520
You're getting blood on the seat.
195
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,160
I think there's some wet wipes
in there.
196
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,520
You are a lunatic!
197
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,480
Argh! Get off!
198
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:32,160
Get off!
199
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,080
You fucking idiot! Get back!
200
00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,800
SHE SCREAMS
201
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:45,320
Get back!
202
00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:46,640
I can't breathe!
203
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,160
Get off!
204
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,320
Oh!
205
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:53,040
CAR ALARM WAILS
206
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:56,040
Is that the end of the test?
Have I passed?
207
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:03,240
I never want to see you ever again.
208
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,720
So...congratulations, Mandy Carter!
209
00:11:08,120 --> 00:11:09,360
Yes!
210
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,360
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS
211
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,000
Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?
212
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,920
Oh, fuck me. What now?
213
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,320
Oh! What?
214
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,800
- Can I have a 99?
- Please!
215
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,960
- Can I have a 99, please?
- That's better.
216
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:49,320
Oh...
217
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,600
Run out of ice cream.
Do you still want the flake?
218
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,360
Yes, please.
219
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,960
Run out of flakes.
Do you still want the cone?
220
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,720
- Yes, please.
- There you go.
221
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,080
There's no ice cream in this.
222
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,400
That's £1.50, please.
223
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,520
MUSICAL JINGLE PLAYS
17811
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