Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language from the start.

# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away, oh, Mandy

# Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today

# Oh, Mandy... #

Well, you managed to last all of 40 minutes

in your latest job as a dog food taster. That's a new record.

- They wanted me to eat dog food! - You're a taster.

How else are they going to know what it tastes like?

Get dogs to taste it.

OK, Mandy, this is only the latest in a series of jobs

that we've found for you, which you've not been able to hold down.

OK? So I'm afraid I'm only left with one option.

Since you now qualify as long-term unemployed,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to send you on a restart scheme.

- Oh, fucking hell, no! - Please.

The scheme is aimed to break down the barriers

that are holding you back from gainful employment.

OK? If you do not attend, it will affect your benefits.

The only valid reason not to attend is a serious health issue.

And you don't seem to have anything wrong with you.

I mean, not...physically, anyway.

I'll do anything rather than the restart scheme.

- I'll go back to the dog food place. - No, they won't have you back.

They say you stole 17 tins of Gammon And Tripe For Senior Dogs.

Not denying that, then?

Right, it's 9am on Monday morning. OK?

I'll email you the details. Is your email address still

MandyFarter2@Tesco.net?

I couldn't get Carter, it were taken.

Someone else beat me to MandyFarter1.

- But you definitely wanted Farter? - Yes. - Yes.

OK, well, you might want to think about changing that

to something a bit more... professional.

OK? And, in fact, while you're making changes,

you might want to think about the image you project

to prospective employers.

Dress for the job you want, Mandy. I'll see you on Monday, Mandy.

- You're doing the restart scheme? - I am.

Oh, just when I thought my life couldn't get any sodding worse.

Dress for the job you want, Mandy. Dress for the job you want.

MUSIC: Oh, Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison

# Pretty woman... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Are you looking for anything in particular?

Er, yeah. How much is this jacket?

I'm not sure you'll be able to afford that.

How do you know what I can afford?!

That jacket's £700. Can you afford that?

- No, I can't, no. - No, you see, I didn't think you could,

because of what you're currently wearing.

This is our bargain bin. You might find something here,

but we don't actually cater for prostitutes.

I'm not a prozzie, you cheeky cow!

Oh, sorry! I just assumed you were a prostitute.

You nasty bitch!

I were going to spend thousands in here!

SHE SOBS

OK.

OK, well, um, look, thank you to those of you who...who made...

- Oh, you're in 'ere. - Yeah.

- I'll sit here, shall I? - Quick as you can, please.

OK, well,

welcome, everyone. Thanks for coming along.

- So, my name is Jason. - Jason!

SHE LAUGHS

Who knew?

I'll be helping you to navigate job-hunting in the 21st century.

Um, first of all, let's all get to know each other a little bit.

Um, so what I'd like you to do is introduce yourselves,

tell us your name, and then tell us one interesting fact about yourself.

Who'd like to go first?

My name's Raymond. And, uh...

- One interesting fact about yourself. - Um...

Um...

Anything.

Um...

Um...

- Anything at all would be... - Um...

- You ever won anything? - Um...

- No, I can't think. - Nothing?

- No? - Can't think. - OK. Um, yeah, next.

Uh, my name is Leonard Cosgrave,

and I just got divorced.

OK. And one interesting fact about yourself.

- There was the interesting fact. - The divorce.

- Next. - Paul. - Yeah.

I did eight years in the nick for killing my geography teacher.

- OK. - Shanked him.

In! Twist! And out!

- Right. - Never knew what hit him.

Last time he banged on about oxbow lakes.

Worth every year of chokey.

And I'd do it again in a heartbeat

if some jumped-up prick tried to tell me what to do with myself.

- Is that the sort of thing you're after? - Yeah, that's perfect, Paul.

Um... OK, who's next?

- Graham. - Yep.

I came up with the phrase "so near, so SPAR"

- for SPAR supermarket. - Oh. - I didn't see a penny in royalties.

Oh, that's a shame, Graham,

but well done for coming up with that phrase. That can't have been...

..easy, thinking of a phrase. Um, next.

My name is Mei Suzuki, and I once met Luther Vandross.

Oh, yes, that's... Now, that is an interesting fact.

He's great, isn't he? Never Too Much is probably my favourite,

if I had to pick one.

JASON CHUCKLES

OK. Uh, yes. Next.

CLOCK TICKS

Well, we'll... OK, we'll come back... We'll come back to you.

And, yeah, last but not least.

- You know who I am. - For the group, Mandy. - Oh!

My name's Mandy Carter and I once unblocked a drain by myself.

- OK. - Saved myself 200 quid.

Watched a load of YouTube videos on how to do it. Turns out

you just need a really long stick and a cloth soaked in thick bleach.

Professional drain unblockers don't want you to know this.

OK. Thank you, Mandy. So, um...

Look, can't you just mark me down and I can clear off?

- It's such a waste of time. - You know that I can't, Mandy.

The only valid excuse for not attending is a serious health issue.

OK, so now we're all introduced a little bit, let's crack on.

So, first up, we're going to be learning about

preparing for a job interview,

how to create a positive first impression.

- Now, what do you think I mean by... - Eh? Eh?

- This is a bit like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, innit? - Sh, hey.

Sh-sh-sh.

Actually, do you know what, Mandy?

- Maybe you'd like to be first up for the role play. - Role play?

Oh, you mucky bugger! Are you going to be Nurse Ratched?

Actually, Mandy, in the email inviting you here,

you were asked to dress

as though you were attending an important job interview.

- Yeah. - You did receive that email? - Yeah.

So this is what you would wear to an important job interview, is it?

- Yeah. - OK. So who can help me tell Mandy what she might be doing wrong,

what kind of first impression she's creating?

- Um... - Yeah. - She look like a prostitute.

- Yeah. - You fucking bitch! - Hey, whoa! Mandy!

Now, I know it can be quite exposing

hearing what we could do better. But it's also how we learn.

So...prostitute.

Very good. Anyone else?

- She looks cheap. - Cheap? Yeah. Excellent.

Um, anyone else?

- Yeah. Well rough. - Say again, sorry, Graham.

- Well rough. - Well rough. Absolutely.

Looks like she just isn't bothered.

Yeah, absolutely right. Like she hasn't bothered. Anyone else?

- Disrespectful, innit? - Yeah. - To the company. - Yeah.

And you know what they're going to do

if they don't get the respect they deserve!

No, but it is disrespectful, Paul, that's right.

It suggests that Mandy couldn't care less about the job interview,

let alone her personal hygiene.

Anyone else?

Looks dirty.

Yeah, I'll just put dirty, I think.

But this is all really good stuff. Anyone else got any more to add

- on how Mandy looks? - I'm just going to go to the loo!

MUMBLING: Everyone thinks I look like a prostitute!

- A what? - A prostitute! - Oh! A prostitute.

Dear, dear Mandy, don't worry.

Some prostitutes are actually very beautiful.

The high-class ones.

Maybe they think you're one of those.

MANDY WAILS

Maybe.

Course they don't, Lola.

I don't even look like a successful prostitute!

Oh, dear, dear. Don't cry.

If you were a prostitute, I'm sure you would be very successful.

- Thanks, Lola. That makes me feel better. - Mm.

Hey, how's it going with the old injectables?

Oh, fantastic. I'm fully booked up for the next couple of months.

I am so happy I did that half-hour online course in Botox

- from the University of North Korea. - It's really paid off, hasn't it?

Actually, Mandy, you couldn't do me a favour?

I need to pick up a new batch of injectables

but I don't want to leave the salon in case I miss new bookings.

Please can you man the desk? I won't be long.

- Yeah, no worries. - Thank you, Mandy.

- What a responsibility. - I won't be long.

SOMBRE MUSIC FROM THE APPRENTICE

I need 2,000 pallets of acrylic nails sent ASAP.

Actually, make that 4,000 and as much Minty Pig as you can carry.

SHOP BELL JANGLES

- Hello! - Oh, hello. - I was just passing and I saw you do injectables.

I was wondering if you could fit me in.

Uh, no. Sorry. We're fully booked for the next couple of months.

Oh, that's a shame. I just wanted to look a bit fresher.

I've got a wedding this weekend.

You look dead familiar. Do we know each other?

- Mandy, Mandy Carter. - Janice Brogan.

Haven't seen you since secondary school.

It's been a long time. What you been up to?

Well...obviously, I run a successful business now.

- It's yours? - Yeah.

- Been here 20 years. - Why's it called Lola's?

Because the woman who owned it before me was called Lola,

and I haven't got round to changing the sign yet.

- Must have been very busy. - Yes, I have. I have, actually.

Well, I'm amazed.

We always thought you were a right dickhead in school.

Yeah, you made that very clear. You made my life a living hell.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. It was just banter.

- I've got mental health cos of you. - Oh, shush. It was a long time ago.

- LAUGHING: - I mean, I can barely even remember it!

What do you do now?

Oh, I'm head of Apple UK.

- Never heard of 'em. - Well, it's a shame you can't fit me in.

- I'm just going... - Oh, no, listen, um, as you're an old friend

and I have got a few minutes before my next client,

I could fit you in for some Botox. Take ten years off you.

- Oh, that's fantastic. - Yeah. Mate's rates, 300 quid.

But my card machine's up the spout, so it's cash only, I'm afraid.

You're very lucky, I always carry some loose change with me.

- Take a seat over there. - Thank you.

Ooh!

Right, just relax.

Now, you might feel a bit of a prick.

Ah!

- Is it meant to burn? - Yeah.

SHE WHIMPERS

- Back again. - Fuck off!

Have you been saving up your pennies for that jacket?

I've got the money. Don't you worry about that.

- I'd like these, please. - Oh.

That's £1,320.

That's a lot. What if I want to bring something back?

No refunds, I'm afraid.

- What, not even if a button comes off? - No refunds. That's our policy.

SHE EXHALES

Whoa, hold your horses there a moment.

Under the Consumer Rights Act 2015,

if an item is faulty and it's returned within 30 days

with valid proof of purchase,

you LEGALLY have to give a full refund.

I see. Well, can I take an email address for the receipt?

Just give me a paper receipt, you dirty wet wipe.

Yeah, just give her a paper receipt - you dirty wet wipe!

Mandy Carter!

You messed up my face with your Botox!

I look like Dr fucking Spock!

- They'll come down! - You're a moron.

I want that 300 quid back I gave you for the treatment.

Well, you can't have it. I've just spent it.

- Ooh, do you have a receipt? - No! I paid cash!

Without a receipt, it's going to be quite difficult

for you to prove you've got any legitimate consumer rights.

- There's not much you can do. - Well, there's one thing I can do, Martin.

BELL DINGS

..and that's why, Paul, it probably would be a setback

to employment prospects if you took a knife into the interview,

particularly a second interview. That goes for all of you.

DOOR CREAKS

MUSIC: Oh, Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison

Ah, look who's back. Mandy Carter.

Well, I'm glad you've returned because, as you know,

the only valid excuse for non-attendance is, of course...

Serious health issues.

Don't look like a prozzie now, do I?

I mean, she does look a bit like a prozzie.

# Pretty woman

# Walking down the street

# Pretty woman

# The kind I'd like to meet

# Pretty woman

# I don't believe you You're not the truth

# No-one could look as good as you

# Mercy!

# Pretty woman, won't you pardon me?

# Pretty woman

# I couldn't help but see

# Pretty woman

# That you look lovely as can be

# Are you lonely just like me? #