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This programme contains
some strong language
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# Oh, Mandy
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# Well, you came and you gave
without taking
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# But I sent you away
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00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,120
# Oh, Mandy
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# Well, you kissed me and
stopped me from shaking
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# And I need you today
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# Oh, Mandy. #
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Will this take long?
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Mandy, a position has become
available that I know
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for a fact you'll be interested in.
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Doubt it, mate.
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Quality control at the local
biscuit factory.
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You're kidding?!
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I know - your dream job.
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So, shall I give them a ring?
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Duh! Yes.
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Next!
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- Mandy Carter?
- Yeah.
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Yeah, take a seat.
Thanks.
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00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,240
So, you're here for the biscuit
taster job?
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Yeah. I love biscuits.
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Yeah, well, if you get the job,
you'll hate them by next week.
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I doubt that very much.
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Can I ask exactly what
the job entails?
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We manufacture 75,000 biscuits
every single day.
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Your job, Mandy, would be
to test one in every 300
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for taste and texture.
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If that biscuit satisfies
your taste buds,
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you can let another 300 go through.
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That's it?
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That's it.
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Never wanted a job more.
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I feel like my whole life's
been leading up to this.
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Are you all right?
36
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I was going to retire soon.
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I spent my whole life
thinking about biscuits.
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What a waste.
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Look, Mandy, this job...
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..is not for everyone!
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It can get quite...
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..dull!
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You'll hate the taste of biscuits!
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You'll reek of bourbons!
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Just the sight of a custard cream...
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..will make you throw up.
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Are you still interested?
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Absolutely.
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Here's your clipboard.
50
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- What do I do with this?
- Well, you just hold it.
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Makes you look efficient.
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Right, every 300th biscuit,
you taste it,
53
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and make a mark here.
54
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Now - this is the most
important thing -
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if you taste a biscuit
that tastes off,
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then you press this immediately.
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The entire production line
is stopped,
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and the person who made that biscuit
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- is taken out and shot.
- Fair enough.
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Do I get to take the broken ones
home with me?
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No, no, no.
We take the theft of biscuits -
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intact or broken -
very seriously here.
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It would result in your instant
dismissal.
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OK, let's make biscuits.
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00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:50,880
UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS
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Oh, fuck.
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Oh!
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Ow!
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Oh, oh... Argh!
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Oh!
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Ow!
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Oh, fuck!
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MANDY PANTS
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Oh, argh, argh...!
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Oh!
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SHE RETCHES
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Shit! Uh! Ow!
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Ow!
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Agh!
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Oh! Agh!
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Oh...!
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Argh!
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Oh...
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SHE GROANS
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HEAVY THUD
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Agh!
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I'm not slacking, honestly!
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I just popped out for
some fresh air!
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MANDY WAILS
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They take biscuit theft
very seriously.
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00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,120
I can't believe he had the audacity
to sack me.
92
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,840
If it wasn't for the biscuits
breaking my fall,
93
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,200
I wouldn't be here now.
94
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,000
Well, yeah, that does seem unfair.
95
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,520
It does mean it's going to be very
hard for me to find something else
96
00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:38,600
for you, though, because the
biscuit people are refusing
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00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,080
to give you a reference.
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This is about all I have.
99
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,080
Go along, and they'll show
you the ropes.
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00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:46,400
Oh, great!
101
00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,160
Maybe give your face a wipe.
102
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Maybe wash your fucking balls, mate.
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Hiya!
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Sorry I'm late.
105
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,880
- First day, is it?
- Yeah, I'm right excited.
106
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,560
- Are you?
- Yeah.
107
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,400
OK, well I'll show you around
quickly,
108
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:08,560
and then I'll get you started
with your gun.
109
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:09,800
Oh.
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00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,800
For a minute, I thought
you said gun!
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LOUD MOOING
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DULL THUD
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What went wrong at the abattoir,
Mandy?
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What went wrong?
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What went fucking wrong?
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I had to kill cows, didn't I?
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00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:25,040
What did you think you had to do,
bake them a cake?
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00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,320
It's an abattoir - Bliss
Slaughterhouse - you knew that.
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Slaughterhouse? I thought...
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I thought it was Bliss
Laughter House!
121
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,520
I thought it was some sort of
comedy club.
122
00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:34,360
I thought it was going to be
a laugh.
123
00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,040
- Instead it was just mindless
killing.
- Well, yeah.
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I didn't know there'd be cows
in there, all lined up!
125
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,480
Where do you think beef burgers
came from, Mandy?
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I don't know! I just thought they
were, like, meaty brown discs.
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00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,080
I just never put two and two
together before.
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00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,960
I'm never touching meat again.
129
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,640
Morrissey was right -
about that, at least.
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00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:55,360
You don't need to eat meat, not when
we've got Linda McCartney stuff.
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00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:57,440
OK, can we get back to why
you're here, please?
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Yeah, why am I here?
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00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,480
I only ever seem to get these
terrible jobs.
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00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,280
That's not true.
They're not all terrible.
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00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,000
We found you a job with a nature
documentary last year.
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EAGLE SCREECHES
137
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,880
You're not meant to step in.
138
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,120
- Yeah, and what did you do?
- Stepped in.
139
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,440
I just couldn't stand by and
watch a defenceless rabbit
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00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:29,640
get ripped to shreds.
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00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,440
- It's nature, Mandy.
That...
- Yeah?
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00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,960
Well, I feel like that rabbit.
143
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,280
When's someone going to boot
the eagle off my back, eh?
144
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,400
Why do I only get these
terrible jobs?
145
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,240
When am I going to be
the factory owner?
146
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,520
When am I going to be the boss?
147
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,440
When am I going to be the chairman
of the Bank of England,
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or the head of ICI?
149
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,840
I mean, am I stupid or something?
Is that my destiny?
150
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,400
Is it cos I'm an idiot?
151
00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,760
I never seem to get anywhere,
however much I try.
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00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:52,120
Look, Mandy, it's not that you're...
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00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,240
..stupid, per se.
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00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,960
It's just that you don't move
in the right circles.
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00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,120
You know, a lot of these big jobs,
you know what they say -
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it's not WHAT you know,
it's WHO you know.
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I don't know anyone.
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Except Lola, and she only knows me.
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OK.
160
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:08,880
Just go home, put your feet up.
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00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,320
And we'll find you something new
on Monday, OK?
162
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MANDY SOBS
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There, there, there.
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00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,280
There, there.
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00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,080
"It's not what you know,
it's who you know"!
166
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,840
Have you ever heard anyone
say that, Lola?
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No.
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00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:27,640
- No! You see, we don't even know
the people that say that!
- Yeah...
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Oh, God!
170
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:33,400
I don't know the right people,
or even the wrong people.
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I'm never going to be anyone
important!
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STUTTERING SOBS
173
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Who wants to...?
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BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY
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Huh...
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00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:45,520
Who wants...?
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LOUD RASPING
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Ha...
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Who wants to be someone important?
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It's not all it's cracked up to be.
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Yeah, well, I've decided!
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00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,320
I'm going to... I'm going to make
something of me life.
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00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,680
I've been letting life roll over me
for too long!
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00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,080
Well, what are you going to do?
185
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,840
I'm going to have a party.
186
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,720
And I... I'm going to invite
all the local celebrities
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and dignitaries that I can think of.
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00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,960
You-you know, like...
Like Jeffery Archer did.
189
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,080
You know? And he's done all right
for himself.
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00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,120
- That's
a great idea, Mandy.
- Yeah.
191
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,560
Did you write to your local
dignitaries?
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00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:48,200
Yeah, I invited the local mayor,
193
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,240
the manager of Fitness First,
194
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:53,320
the lollipop lady, the local vicar.
195
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,320
Some celebrities, like, uh...
196
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,880
..Linda Lusardi, Alan Yentob,
Shirley Bassey.
197
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,360
Now it's just a matter of getting
some food and wine, and waiting.
198
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,840
Roll on Thursday.
199
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,280
Shirley Bassey!
200
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,640
Can I come, Mandy?
201
00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,960
OK, but keep it to yourself.
202
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,640
Don't want any paparazzi
or gate-crashers.
203
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,320
My lips are sealed.
204
00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,440
And don't make this all
about you, Lol.
205
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,800
This is Mandy Carter's night.
206
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,720
- I'm nervous. Are you?
- Mm.
207
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:23,000
DOORBELL RINGS
208
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,520
Oh! Someone's at the door.
209
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,920
Someone - who is a someone -
has come to my party.
210
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,600
Who are you?
211
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:31,840
We're Shirley Bassey fans.
212
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:32,880
Is she here?
213
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,240
No, she's not, and she's not going
turn up if she sees you lot here.
214
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,720
Go on, shoo!
215
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,800
THEY GRUMBLE
216
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:37,800
Go on!
217
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,280
Who was it?
218
00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:46,440
- It were a load of Shirley
Bassey fans.
- Ah...
219
00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:47,920
They are such a pain.
220
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,520
Word must have got out.
221
00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,000
You didn't tell anyone about
this party, did you, Lol?
222
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,440
No.
223
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,800
Of course not.
224
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,840
I was really hoping Shirley Bassey
would show up.
225
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:33,000
Oh, I didn't need her stealing
my thunder.
226
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,560
She's still very glamorous.
227
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,560
Oh, stop going on about her!
228
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:38,320
You really don't think she's
going to come?
229
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,080
Course she's not coming, Lola.
230
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,880
Nobody important's coming.
231
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,520
You know why?
232
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,720
Because I'm a nobody.
233
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:49,520
And what a fool to believe that
just for one night...
234
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,080
..just one fucking night...
235
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,080
..I could be a somebody...!
236
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,320
I'm at my lowest egg.
237
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,400
Talking about eggs - what are you
going to do with all of this food?
238
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,400
I'm going to chuck it in
the rubbish, Lola,
239
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,560
Then I'm going to throw myself
in the rubbish.
240
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:09,760
Because no matter how hard I try,
everything turns out rubbish!
241
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:12,880
I don't know why I bother!
242
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:15,760
Because I can take one of those
quiches with me.
243
00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:17,440
They freeze very well.
244
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,920
I did a mad thing, Lola.
245
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,120
I had hope.
246
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,800
I hoped that, just once...
247
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,240
..something good would happen
to Mandy Carter.
248
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,000
I hoped that Dame Shirley Bassey OBE
would come to my house,
249
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,240
and tell me how she did it.
250
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,080
How she got out of the back streets
of Tiger Prawn Bay
251
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,600
and made a success of her life.
252
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,000
I think her powerful yet soulful
singing voice
253
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,840
had a lot to do with it.
254
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,920
Yeah, well, it doesn't matter now,
does it?!
255
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:47,760
Nothing matters now!
256
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:49,600
The party's over, Lola.
257
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,440
The party's over!
258
00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,920
Go on.
259
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,080
You lot can fuck off, an' all.
260
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,320
Yentob, Lusardi -
go on, off you piss.
261
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,880
Well, I'm not bothered.
262
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:02,240
I'm going for drinks with
Vicki Michelle later anyway.
263
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,600
Suppose I'll have to see what
fucking Bono is up to again.
264
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,120
Hi, Bono.
265
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,800
Don't bother coming over.
This place is dead.
266
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,920
Yes, she's here.
267
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,920
Yeah, she... Yeah, she's still fit.
268
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,360
Go on, Lola.
269
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,360
Well, if you're going to be
like that.
270
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,280
I'll see you tomorrow at the salon?
271
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,720
No, Lola.
272
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,400
You won't see me again.
273
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,520
Are you sure I can't take one of
these quiches?
274
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,080
Oh, take it!
275
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,480
Uh, actually, I think I prefer
the cheese and bacon one.
276
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,400
Oh, just get out!
277
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,000
Oh!
278
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,000
PLATE SMASHES
279
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,240
Oh...
280
00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:52,760
STUTTERING SOBS
281
00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,640
Oh...
282
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,480
MANDY WHIMPERS
283
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,560
This Is My Life
by Shirley Bassey
284
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:26,520
# Funny how a
lonely day can make a person say
285
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,360
# What good is my life?
286
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:37,240
# Funny how a breaking heart
can make me start to say
287
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:41,520
# What good is my life?
288
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:48,760
# Funny how I often seem to think
I'll find another dream
289
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,560
# In my life
290
00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:01,320
# Till I look around and see this
great big world is part of me
291
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:06,320
# And my life
292
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,040
# This is my life
293
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,880
# Today, tomorrow,
love will come and find me
294
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:19,000
# But that's the way that
I was born to be
295
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,160
# This is me
296
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,600
# This is me... #
297
00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,200
DOORBELL RINGS
298
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,880
Who the fuck is this now?
299
00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:32,120
Big Spender
by Shirley Bassey
300
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,960
Fuck me, it's Bassey.
301
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,880
# The minute you walked in the joint
302
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,800
# I could see you were a man
of distinction
303
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,880
# A real big spender... #
304
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:47,480
I'm here for the party.
I brought some food.
305
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:49,960
We get to keep anything not sold
after a month.
306
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,720
I'm vegetarian now!
307
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:56,200
# Good looking, so refined
308
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,440
{\an8}# Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?
309
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:02,280
# So let me get right to the point
310
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:06,120
# I don't pop my cork for
every man I see
311
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,960
# Hey, big spender
312
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,680
# Spend
313
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,920
# A little time with me. #
21863
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