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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,160
This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
2
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,880
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,080
# But I sent you away
4
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,520
# Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:17,600
# Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,640
# And I need you today
7
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,880
# Oh, Mandy. #
8
00:00:23,600 --> 00:00:26,160
Bad news, Mandy,
that's the last of the Minty Pig.
9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,720
Can't you get some more?
I only ever have Minty Pig.
10
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:30,120
They don't make it any more.
11
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,600
It comes from Russia.
12
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:33,720
It's all part of the sanctions.
13
00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,240
Damn you, Putin! Damn you to hell!
14
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:39,720
Also, they discovered
it's got asbestos in it.
15
00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:42,160
I always wondered why I threw up
if I licked my fingers.
16
00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:44,520
- What are you doing this evening,
Mandy?
- Nothing much.
17
00:00:44,520 --> 00:00:47,120
I'll probably just stay in
and watch some TV with my nan.
18
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:49,000
What? Your nan?
19
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,360
Yeah, she likes watching those old
films without any sex or violence
20
00:00:52,360 --> 00:00:54,600
or a message or
social justice in them.
21
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,000
I don't mean to be rude, Mandy, but,
your grandmother is still alive?
22
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,160
Yeah, very much so.
23
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,080
- You never mentioned her before.
- Have I not?
24
00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,160
- How old is she?
- 110.
25
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,640
110! You cannot be serious.
26
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,960
Why isn't it on Granada Reports?
27
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,440
We haven't got proof.
28
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,160
It needs to be
independently verified
29
00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,320
and her birth certificate
was destroyed in a fire.
30
00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,360
- Where does she live?
- Well, this is the thing.
31
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,600
Her boyfriend threw her out
so she's living in my attic.
32
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,400
- How long's she been with you?
- Too long.
33
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,560
I need to talk to her
about it tonight, actually.
34
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:23,040
It's about time she moved out.
35
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,840
But why is she in the loft?
36
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:26,360
Nowhere else for her to go.
37
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,600
My small back bedroom's full
of my Danbury Mint collectables.
38
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,400
Can I come home with you
and meet her?
39
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:32,960
If you like.
40
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:47,520
Hey, Nan? We've got visitors.
41
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,400
SHE FARTS
42
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,800
Do you want a brew, Nan?
43
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:58,120
Aye, alreet.
44
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:03,880
SHE FARTS
45
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,240
- You go through, Lola.
- Are you sure?
46
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:09,920
Yeah, go on, I'll do this.
47
00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:12,200
I cannot wait to meet this lady.
48
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:16,280
- Pleased to meet you.
- Who are you?
49
00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:19,280
Oh, that's my friend, Lola,
she works at the local beauty salon.
50
00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:20,720
She does me nails.
51
00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:22,560
Can you do owt with these?
52
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:30,720
Um, yes, they just need
a tiny trim and a buff.
53
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,720
Mandy tells me
you are 110 years old?
54
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:37,160
109 actually, but we'd need it
independently verified
55
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,960
if I'm to get on Granada Reports.
56
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:40,600
Yes, so I believe.
57
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:43,240
So, what is your secret
to such a long life?
58
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,360
Cod liver oil.
59
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:47,680
Oh, I must get some.
60
00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,360
I do the odd marathon and all.
61
00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:51,960
What? You run marathons?
62
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,200
Yeah, she's beaten
her time every year.
63
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,360
She's got another coming up,
haven't you, Nan?
64
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,560
Aye, yeah, in a month.
65
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:59,320
I'd better start training.
66
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:00,720
You haven't been training?
67
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,640
No, but it won't take me long
to get match fit.
68
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:07,080
No, once she gets started, she makes
Captain Tom look bone idle.
69
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,440
Don't they get someone royal
to hand out the medals?
70
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,360
Nan's anti-royal.
71
00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:15,280
I wouldn't piss on that family
if they were on fire.
72
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,720
She won't even eat
Duchy original biscuits.
73
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:21,320
If someone gave me a Duchy biscuit,
I'd smash it into the carpet
74
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:22,880
then I'd spit on it.
75
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,560
Nazi bastards.
76
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:27,240
All right, Nan,
don't go getting all upset.
77
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,920
Now, Mandy, you know you haven't
given me any grandkids...
78
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,000
Oh, not this again.
79
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,600
I've told you, Nan,
I don't want kids.
80
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,480
Are your eggs rotten?
81
00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,000
There's nothing wrong with my eggs!
82
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,520
Well, anyway,
83
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,880
I had my eggs frozen years ago.
84
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,000
I were one of the first
to get it done
85
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,240
because I thought I might want
more kids in the future.
86
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,640
Oh, don't be ridiculous,
87
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:48,120
it'd be like trying to fertilise
an egg in a Hoover bag.
88
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:49,640
Then I thought about adopting.
89
00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,520
Don't talk wet,
they wouldn't let you have a pug,
90
00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:53,280
they're not going to let you
have a nipper.
91
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:54,560
Can you believe it?
92
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,880
If you want to adopt a baby,
nobody bats an eyelid.
93
00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,080
If you want a pug, you've got
to have two gay lads come round
94
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,720
and check your fencing's secure.
95
00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,640
Anyway, I got an email
the other week, saying
96
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,880
they'd successfully fertilised
one of my eggs.
97
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,080
You got an email?
Is that how it works?
98
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,280
Where did you go to do all this?
99
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,480
I went on the dark web.
100
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,920
- The dark web?!
- On me Tesco Mobile.
101
00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,960
I've got unlimited data.
102
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,760
And I get Clubcard points.
103
00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:18,960
Who's the father?
104
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,640
I don't know.
105
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:23,720
The fertility clinic's in Albania.
106
00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,960
I think they just have big vats
of jizz from all over.
107
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:30,240
I did specify human sperm
on the form.
108
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:31,600
At least I think I did.
109
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,920
Don't you think
you're a bit old to have a baby?
110
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,360
- It's my right to have a baby.
- Mm-hm.
111
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,280
I'll be the oldest mum
in the country.
112
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,560
Maybe then they'll have me
on Granada Reports.
113
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:42,720
That'll learn 'em.
114
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:44,560
Who will give birth
to this child?
115
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,680
- A woman called Shed'evil
gave birth to it last week.
- It?
116
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:51,680
They're delivering it to me
tomorrow between 3.23 and 4.23.
117
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:52,840
Who are?
118
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:54,080
DPD. I got a text.
119
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,360
Fuck me!
120
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,320
You can't live here with a baby,
there's no room.
121
00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,320
I can't see why I can't
live on a barge, like Lovejoy.
122
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:01,680
We've been over this.
123
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,560
If I lived on a barge,
I'd be happy as a pig in shit.
124
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,320
I can't afford a barge, Nan!
125
00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:08,840
Doesn't the newsagent
have a barge he is selling?
126
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,400
- Does he?
- I'm sure I saw
an advert in his window
127
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,920
saying he's selling
a boat or something.
128
00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,960
Oh, I'll go and see him.
129
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,480
Why's it so cheap?
130
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:22,000
I want to make some space so we can
use the peloton exercise bike.
131
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,360
Has it got any holes in it?
132
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,600
No, I don't think so.
133
00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,640
- Have you ever been out in it?
- No.
134
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,000
How come you've got a boat
but you've never been out in it?
135
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:31,920
It was in the garage
when we bought the house.
136
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,720
Now we just use it to store
toilet rolls in.
137
00:05:35,720 --> 00:05:38,680
What if I go out in it and
discover it's got a hole in it?
138
00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:41,400
Fixing a hole in a boat
is not difficult.
139
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:43,480
Is it not?
140
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,200
Why do you want to buy
a boat anyway?
141
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,680
My nan wants to live on a barge
but I can't afford it.
142
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:51,200
Yeah, this would be perfect for you.
143
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:53,080
Right, yeah, I'll take it.
144
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,480
This ain't a barge!
145
00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:57,960
It's better than a barge.
146
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,480
It's not even on a canal.
147
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,120
It's too pokey.
148
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:02,600
What do you think, Lola?
149
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,040
Well, why don't you put
a big mirror on that wall?
150
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,520
It'll really open the place up.
151
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,840
No! No, it's a no from me.
152
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,120
I'll just stay in your attic, Mandy,
until I find something better.
153
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,360
PHONE ALERT
154
00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,360
It's three stops away.
155
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,240
Is it a boy or a girl?
156
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:19,520
They didn't say.
157
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,680
And you didn't think to ask?
158
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,680
Well, as long as it's healthy.
159
00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:24,440
- Have you thought of any names?
- Yes.
160
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,800
DOORBELL RINGS
161
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,160
It's here!
162
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,040
Honestly, the amount of packaging
you get these days.
163
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,600
- Let's see.
- I am so excited.
164
00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:00,040
- Oh, fuck me!
- What? What is it?
165
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,840
It's one of them ones
that looks like an old man.
166
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:04,360
No!
167
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,360
Every baby is beautiful
in its own way.
168
00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:07,600
Let me see.
169
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,560
Oh! Jesus Christ! What is it?
170
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,960
What am I going to do with it?
171
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,120
I'll tell you what we're gonna do
with it.
172
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:24,680
We're going to throw it the best
damn baby shower you've ever seen.
173
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:26,200
Mandy is right.
174
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,120
So what if it looks like a goblin?
175
00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,200
Hopefully it will grow into
its face.
176
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,760
We need to teach this baby
it can be anything it wants to be.
177
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:34,960
Goblin or not.
178
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,040
Oh, he's crying.
179
00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,440
He wants feeding.
180
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,560
Here, I'll do the honours.
181
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,400
Now don't bite.
182
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,880
Hey, Mandy, you couldn't babysit
for me tonight, could you?
183
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:54,640
You've only had it five minutes!
184
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,360
I know, but it's bingo tonight
and it's a super rollover.
185
00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:00,200
Top prize is an air fryer.
186
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,080
An air fryer?
What's the point of an air fryer?
187
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:03,400
Who wants fried air?
188
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,760
Go on, love, it'll be a chance
for you to bond with it.
189
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,200
All right. I suppose so.
190
00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:18,400
Right, come on.
191
00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:20,640
Let's see what's on
the tragic lantern.
192
00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,600
Maybe one day,
we'll go on Gogglebox together.
193
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,720
LOW GROWLING
194
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,520
Oh, you little shit!
195
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,320
MENACING MUSIC
196
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,480
Ah!
197
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,480
Ah!
198
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,600
Oh! Get off!
199
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,080
MENACING MUSIC CONTINUES
200
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:29,120
GRUNTING
201
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:33,200
Oh!
202
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:49,600
Ah!
203
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,240
Oh, oh!
204
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:08,120
GROWLING
205
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,080
Ah!
206
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:20,120
Ah!
207
00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,040
Oh!
208
00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:27,120
MENACING MUSIC
209
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,760
Ahhhh!
210
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,040
Oh, God, help!
211
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:35,520
Hey, Mandy, I'm back!
212
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,880
I won that air fryer!
213
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,120
Nan, get it off me!
214
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,280
He's trying to kill me!
215
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,920
Get off her, you little bastard!
216
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:51,040
BABY GRUNTS AND GROWLS
217
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:59,200
Bingo!
Give it 20 minutes on full power.
218
00:11:59,200 --> 00:12:02,360
Nan, you should never buy
anything on the dark web.
219
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,560
Told you the air frier
would come in handy.
220
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:07,640
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
yeah, yeah, yeah
221
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:10,760
# Hey, little devil
222
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,920
# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
yeah, yeah, yeah
223
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,960
# Hey, little devil
224
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,360
# Hey, little devil,
you're always runnin' around
225
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,600
# Hey, little devil
226
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:26,520
# It's time that someone
started taming you down
227
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,920
# Hey, little devil
228
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,760
- # There'll be
- There'll be
229
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:35,440
# Some changes made,
your roving days are through...#
16621
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