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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,920
This programme
contains some strong language.
2
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# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
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# But I sent you away, oh, Mandy
4
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:16,840
# Well, you kissed me and stopped me
from shaking
5
00:00:16,840 --> 00:00:21,400
# And I need you today,
oh, Mandy... #
6
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,160
My word. I've never seen
one as long as this before.
7
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,800
That's what she said.
8
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,800
HE CHORTLES
9
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,400
That's what who said?
10
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:52,760
Doesn't matter.
11
00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,760
I found it leaning
against the side of a chimney.
12
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,040
No-one seemed to own it
so I thought I'd just take it.
13
00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:58,520
Finders keepers an' all that.
14
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:00,400
Help!
15
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,240
I wonder if you
could do a little job for me?
16
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:04,920
I've got some trouble with my spire.
17
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,680
- Go on.
- It's got a huge bird's nest on it.
18
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:10,080
I've asked local roofing firms
if they could remove it
19
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,120
but they say that modern
safety methods,
20
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,000
and the fact that they just make
the prices up,
21
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,320
means they can't do
it for less than £50,000.
22
00:01:16,320 --> 00:01:18,960
And unfortunately, even though
the Church of England is
23
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:22,200
one of the biggest landowners
in the country, we can't afford it.
24
00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,080
AND we've got the Songs Of Praise
lot turning up on Sunday to film.
25
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:26,280
Songs Of Praise?
26
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,600
I don't suppose you would be willing
to use your ladder
27
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,040
to get rid of the nest?
28
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,760
I would go up myself
but I'm afraid of heights.
29
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,200
How much?
30
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,840
Well, um...
31
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:38,800
- WHISPERS:
- I shit myself
if I go above two storeys.
32
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,760
No, I mean how much for the job?
33
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:42,520
Oh, I see. Well...
34
00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:46,640
Christ was a simple man, he didn't
preach the gospel of greed and...
35
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,280
60 quid?
36
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,440
40?
37
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,080
SPITS
38
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,080
Done.
39
00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,560
BIRD SQUAWK
40
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,320
Right, let's get this shifted.
41
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,400
HE LAUGHS
42
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,200
Mandy, how many times must
I tell you not to
43
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:17,040
bring your ladder in here?
44
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,840
This is a professional nail salon,
45
00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:21,800
not whatever sort of place you
should keep a very long ladder.
46
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:24,840
Sorry, Lol, but I can't leave
that lying around.
47
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,200
That little baby's my meal
ticket out of here.
48
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,160
- How do you mean?
- I think I might
have found my true calling, Lol.
49
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,800
I love being high up.
50
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,600
It's just me,
the birds and God up there.
51
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,560
Mandy! I thought it was you.
52
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,600
Could you bring your ladder back
tomorrow, please?
53
00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,760
My crucifix is bent and I want
everything to be
54
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,200
perfect for Songs Of Praise.
55
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,720
Songs Of Praise? I have always
wanted to go one that show.
56
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:49,480
Especially after they rejected me
from The Traitors,
57
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,720
Race Around The World
58
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,720
and Naked Attraction.
59
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,920
Can I come along for the show?
60
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,480
We're already full, I'm afraid.
61
00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,080
We've had to give priority to
regular churchgoers.
62
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,160
But I am a regular churchgoer,
63
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,120
I go to the jumble sale
every January.
64
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,360
HE LAUGHS
65
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,120
- What about it, Mandy?
- Maybe.
66
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,640
God will smile on your good deeds.
67
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,480
40 quid?
68
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:21,760
40 quid, and Lola and I get
to come along to Songs Of Praise.
69
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,160
- Well, erm...
- Good seats, mind, front row.
70
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,280
No restricted view.
Premier plus seats,
71
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:29,400
you know, the ones with the
cup-holders and massage chairs.
72
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,440
Deal?
73
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,960
Doh!
74
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,240
CHUCKLES
75
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,160
Oh! Done.
76
00:04:36,160 --> 00:04:37,960
See you tomorrow.
77
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:42,360
That is very good of you, Mandy,
but I worry about you.
78
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,960
You don't even wear safety
equipment.
79
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,640
Safety equipment's for
snowflakes, Lola.
80
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,280
Snowflakes and
the so-called professionals.
81
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,280
If I slip and die, I slip and die.
82
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,680
We've all got to go sometime - why
not go whilst falling off a ladder
83
00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,360
without a harness in an accident
that was easily preventable?
84
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,120
I think that's shit, Mandy.
85
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:00,560
How dare you!
86
00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,880
No, Mandy, I think that is shit.
87
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,800
Bird shit on your shoulder.
88
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,040
Yeah, it will be.
89
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,360
Closer to the birds, aren't I?
90
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:10,400
Oh, go home, Mandy,
you're a hygiene hazard.
91
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,240
This is a three-star establishment.
92
00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:13,480
I'll go an have a shower.
93
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:17,320
Ugh!
94
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,120
SUSPENSEFUL, HITCHCOCK-STYLE MUSIC
95
00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:35,160
CHICK TWEETS
96
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:36,760
RAVEN CAWS
97
00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:43,040
Oh, fucking hell, more bird shit.
98
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,800
I'm not even up there yet.
99
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,880
BIRDS CAW
100
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,920
Hang on. What is that?
101
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:07,120
Oh, my word!
102
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,960
I never thought
I'd see one of those.
103
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,880
What the fuck is it doing
in her hair?
104
00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,080
RAVEN CAWS
105
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,680
Mandy.
106
00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,160
Thanks for coming in.
107
00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:36,240
I got a text you wanted to see me.
108
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,320
And a letter.
And a message on the portal.
109
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:40,840
And a phone call.
And another letter.
110
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,080
And a WhatsApp.
111
00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,120
- So I just got the sense
you wanted to see me.
- Yes, I did.
112
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:48,680
Um, have you been working at all?
113
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,440
No.
114
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,400
Are you sure?
Because if you have been working,
115
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,720
then it will affect your
benefit payments
116
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,280
and you could be charged with fraud.
117
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:57,560
Draud? What's that?
118
00:06:57,560 --> 00:06:59,160
No, fraud.
119
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:01,640
We've had a message saying that
you've been seen doing
120
00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,400
odd jobs around the church.
121
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:04,800
Who's been saying that?
122
00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,240
Someone left a message
on our anonymous draud frotline...
123
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,200
- ..fraud hotline.
- Who was it?
124
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,880
It's anonymous, I didn't know,
they didn't leave their name.
125
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:14,640
The voice did sound familiar,
actually.
126
00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:16,200
Like it was someone off the telly.
127
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,320
- Oh, it's probably just someone who's
got it in for me.
- Who would that be?
128
00:07:19,320 --> 00:07:21,960
You don't get where I am today
without making a few enemies.
129
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,560
"Where you are today?"
130
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,000
Mandy, you're sitting in
a Jobcentre,
131
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:28,560
you haven't had unemployment
since you left school.
132
00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:31,320
Exactly. And yet still I have
enemies at every turn.
133
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,880
Imagine how many enemies really
successful people have,
134
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,080
like Vladimir Putin
or Rick Edwards
135
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:37,920
or that man from Succession.
136
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,920
You think he's successful cos he's
in a show called Succession?
137
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,360
OK, so you haven't been working?
138
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,240
How many more times, no!
139
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,920
So, what's the ladder for then?
140
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,880
What ladder?
141
00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:50,080
That ladder, there,
that you brought in.
142
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:51,440
Oh, right, that, yeah.
143
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,200
No, I'm looking after
it for a friend.
144
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,040
Mandy, this is serious, OK?
145
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,320
If you've been doing a job
while claiming benefits,
146
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:59,520
- then that is a crime.
- A crime?
147
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:04,120
So what if I've been fixing the
church roof up for a few extra quid?
148
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,360
- Right.
- It's hardly the crime of
the century, is it?
149
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:10,160
It's hardly crooked,
million-pound PPE contracts, is it?
150
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:13,920
Or billionaires hiding their money
abroad to avoid paying tax, is it?
151
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:17,960
Or Prince Philip
assassinating Lady Di, is it?
152
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,280
No. But as ever, the rich get
away with it
153
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,080
and you go after the small fry.
Yeah, the easy meat,
154
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,200
the Mandy Carters of the world,
who are just trying to struggle
155
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,760
through the cost of living crisis
as best they can.
156
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,800
Well, if that isn't the real crime,
then I don't know what is!
157
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,600
On Judgment Day, who do you think
God's going to punish?
158
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:36,600
The poor woman who fixed
the church roof up
159
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,360
so she could afford
some fucking cheese, or you,
160
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:43,160
who pursued and punished her
and sent her to an early grave?
161
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,280
You're no better than me
but you side with the rich
162
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:47,560
cos you think you're like them,
but you're not.
163
00:08:47,560 --> 00:08:49,840
They're laughing
at you doing their dirty work
164
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,680
while they party on their
megayachts, drinking caviar
165
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:53,960
and eating supermodels.
166
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960
What a little man you are!
167
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,960
Yeah, that's stopped you in your
tracks, hasn't it?
168
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,520
That's made you think, hasn't it?
169
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,320
No, it's, Mandy, you've got...
170
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,120
- There's something in your hair.
- Don't try and distract me,
171
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,560
you petite bourgeois stooge.
172
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:12,240
Erm, look, I'm just going to put
"No further action needed".
173
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:13,600
Thank you!
174
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,960
- Best take that with you.
- Oh, yeah. Cheers.
175
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:26,960
RAVENS CAW
176
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:01,480
What's she doing?
177
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:02,520
Oh, my God.
178
00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,440
BIRDS CAW
179
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,520
Fucking bird shit, bastards.
180
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,080
Hello! Ah, so many new faces!
181
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,240
I hope it's not just because you
want to be on Songs Of Praise!
182
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,720
No, no, no. I love Jesus Christ.
183
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,280
Where are the cameras?
184
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,640
Hello, hello...
185
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,520
Hello, I'm Aled Jones,
and welcome to Songs Of Praise.
186
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:37,960
We're delighted to be in
187
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,480
the wonderful old
Church of St Stephen's.
188
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:45,120
And now for our first hymn,
All Things Bright And Beautiful.
189
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,440
- CHOIR AND MANDY SING:
- # All things bright and beautiful
190
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:51,080
# All creatures great and small
191
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,600
# All things wise and wonderful
192
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,040
# The Lord God made them all
193
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,680
# Each little flower that opens...
194
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,040
- ALED:
- Well, there seems to be some
disturbance
195
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,520
in the church this afternoon,
196
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,080
some feathered friends
have snuck in.
197
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,760
But don't worry,
they're all God's creatures.
198
00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,120
BIRDS SQUEAL
199
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,680
# All things bright and beautiful
200
00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,440
# All creatures great and small
201
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,800
# All things wise and wonderful
202
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,800
# The Lord God made them all... #
203
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:39,000
For God's sake, what did you think
was going to happen?
204
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,040
You've broken every rule in the
bird-watching book -
205
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:44,840
MY book - Michaela Strachan's
206
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:48,360
Guidebook To Birds Of Great
Britain and Northern Ireland.
207
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,840
What's going on?
208
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:55,280
She's had a protected
and rare bird nesting in her hair.
209
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:59,120
- Protected bird?
- The great crested eagle chick.
210
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,080
It would've grown to be
the largest bird in Europe.
211
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,760
And she's probably got more
nesting in that beehive of hers.
212
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:09,560
So, I'm sorry, but there's
only one thing for it -
213
00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:13,080
I'm going to have to shoot your
friend and let the birds live in
214
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,840
the hair of her decaying body.
215
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:17,040
No! You cannot shoot this woman!
216
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:19,080
Yeah, you're probably right,
actually.
217
00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:22,680
I tell you what, I'm just going to
blow my RSPB whistle instead.
218
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,560
HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE
219
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,800
- ALED:
- And that's it for this week.
220
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,200
If you'd like to see more birds
221
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:32,560
attacking women in churches,
then my book -
222
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:36,040
Aled Jones's Bumper Book of Birds
Attacking Women in Churches -
223
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,560
is available now in all
good book shops.
224
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,120
# Let me tell you 'bout
the birds the bees
225
00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,840
# And the flowers and the trees
226
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:46,840
# The moon up above
227
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:50,720
# And a thing called love
228
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:54,080
# Let me tell you 'bout the
stars in the sky
229
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,440
# A girl and a guy
230
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:59,280
# And the way they could kiss
231
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,440
# On a night like this
232
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,160
# When I look into
your big, brown eyes... #
17686
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