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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,960
{\an8}This programme
contains some strong language.
2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,000
{\an8}# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:12,320
{\an8}# But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
4
00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:17,320
{\an8}# Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
5
00:00:17,320 --> 00:00:21,320
{\an8}# And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. #
6
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:25,200
20 Embassy, please, Abu.
7
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,640
Ta.
8
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:29,120
Do you still work at Asda?
9
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:33,120
No, I'm working as
a living statue now, Abu.
10
00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,760
- Do you have long Covid?
- What?
11
00:00:35,760 --> 00:00:39,440
- You look very grey.
- It's make-up,
Abu. I'm doing living statue work.
12
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:43,840
- What is living statue?
- You just
stand still looking like a statue.
13
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:47,240
- And this is a job?
- Yeah.
14
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:49,520
Where do you apply for this?
15
00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,360
Just start doing it.
16
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:53,680
OK.
17
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,640
- Right, bye, then.
- Bye-bye.
18
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,240
Oh, shit. Is that the time?
19
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,480
Need to get changed for the theatre.
20
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,160
Mandy, I'm so excited.
21
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:43,840
I can't believe you bought tickets
to see Psychic Pauline.
22
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:47,080
Oh, I didn't pay. I thought we could
do the old high-vis jacket trick.
23
00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:48,280
- Here, put this on.
- What?
24
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,040
High-vis jacket gets you in
anywhere, no questions asked.
25
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,240
I've seen loads of stuff
with a high-vis.
26
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,640
I've been on Top Of The Pops.
27
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:56,920
Well, we have a terrific
programme for you.
28
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,040
We have Bon Jovi,
Farley "Jackmaster" Funk,
29
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:02,240
Frankie Goes To Hollywood and
they're all live in the studio.
30
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:05,160
I went to the Royal Variety
performance.
31
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:07,680
APPLAUSE
32
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,960
I saw Torvill and Dean.
33
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,440
CHEERING
34
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:19,480
And I saw the 1980 Embassy World
Snooker finals at the Crucible.
35
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:24,760
And Higgins will be
disappointed with that.
36
00:02:24,760 --> 00:02:27,280
Muffed that up, didn't you, Alex?
37
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,520
Alex.
38
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:38,840
Alex!
39
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,640
- Hurricane.
- What?
40
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:44,000
Couldn't give me a light, could you?
41
00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:49,440
Ta.
42
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,520
Alex.
43
00:02:55,520 --> 00:03:00,680
Alex, can I borrow your ashtray?
Sorry.
44
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,280
Oh, thanks.
45
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:09,880
Quite dishy, Thorburn, isn't he?
thought?
46
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,400
If you like that sort of thing.
47
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:13,440
That miss gives Higgins
another chance.
48
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,160
Cliff Thorburn, eight.
49
00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,160
APPLAUSE
50
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:19,400
Alex, I love you!
51
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,440
CROWD EXCLAIMS
52
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:22,360
Oh, and that's a terrible miss
from Higgins.
53
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:23,880
He'll be disappointed with that.
54
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,600
- Jesus fucking Christ.
You fucking idiot.
- Oh!
55
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:27,800
Who let you in here?
56
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,240
- I carried the table in.
- You fucking moron!
57
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,160
MANDY SHRIEKS
58
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,160
Oh!
59
00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,240
You're with the Hurricane now!
60
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,920
Now you've done it!
I'm going to come for you.
61
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:40,000
Alex "The Hurricane" Higgins
must have been furious, Mandy.
62
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,720
Hmm. I cost him the final.
Said he'd never forgive me.
63
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,080
Said if he ever saw me again,
he'd fucking kill me.
64
00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:47,840
- Wasn't he a big drinker?
- Why do you think he turned to drink?
65
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:51,800
- And you never got to apologise?
- No. He died in 2010.
66
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,640
Anyway, the high-vis jacket
pays for itself in no time.
67
00:03:54,640 --> 00:03:57,760
- But what do we do?
- That's the beauty
of it, Lola - nothing.
68
00:03:57,760 --> 00:04:00,040
You just walk in.
They think you're meant to be there.
69
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,800
I'm not sure, Mandy.
What if we get caught?
70
00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,960
Thought you might say that.
To make you feel better,
71
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,520
- we'll carry a table in.
- Carry a table?
- Yeah.
72
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:09,560
Nobody questions you
if you're carrying a table.
73
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:11,640
- BELL RINGS
- If you'd like to take your seats,
74
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,720
ladies and gentlemen,
the show is about to begin.
75
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,240
Let's leave it here, Lo.
76
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,480
We'll cover it in leaflets about
zip-wire experiences in old caves
77
00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:19,640
to make it blend in.
78
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,120
Let's get some seats.
79
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,520
- I can't believe it worked.
- Never fails.
80
00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,520
Oh, good seats!
81
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:38,640
Right, that's the earpiece in.
82
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,400
- Ready to go?
- Of course.
83
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:44,240
So I've got all the information
submitted by the audience
84
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,560
to the website listed
by seat number -
85
00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,360
names, addresses,
deceased loved ones.
86
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,000
Just in case the spirits
are quiet again tonight.
87
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,640
Oh, we don't want another
88
00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,120
Nottingham, do we?
89
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,800
I've picked out a few juicy ones
to start with.
90
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,040
Don't give me all the info
in one go.
91
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,160
I like to eke it out,
92
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:08,480
so it sounds like they're coming
through in dribs and drabs -
93
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:09,920
put on a show!
94
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:12,840
You certainly do that.
95
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:14,800
Going to use the spirit
96
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,000
of the dead actress on stage
routine?
97
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:20,360
Oh, it's a bit hammy.
98
00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,160
But the crowd love it.
99
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:24,560
I'll do it if I need it.
100
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,640
SHE GARGLES
101
00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:38,600
Excuse me, I think you're sitting
in our seats.
102
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,280
- Piss off, grandma,
I was there first.
- Oh!
103
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:42,840
So rude!
104
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,640
UPBEAT MUSIC
105
00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:58,080
Oh, good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
106
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,160
So LOVELY to be here.
107
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,120
But, wow,
108
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:06,600
I'm already feeling
some spirit energy.
109
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:11,400
Woman in row B, seat 12.
110
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,560
You, my love.
111
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,360
Do you know anyone
to have passed in tragedy?
112
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,600
- Yes.
- She's recently lost her aunt.
113
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,600
Was it an auntie?
114
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:27,160
- Yes, yes.
- Because I've got someone
saying "I'm her auntie".
115
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,080
I've got access to the will.
She got the necklace.
116
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:32,400
- You've got something of hers,
haven't you?
- Yes, I have.
117
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:34,040
I've got a necklace.
118
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,000
She says you're to keep
the necklace.
119
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:38,560
Think of her when you wear it.
120
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:40,640
Don't lend it out or pawn it.
121
00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,520
Was she quite a bossy woman
122
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,760
when she was alive, your auntie?
123
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,640
- Yes, she was.
- Yes.
124
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,000
She's still bossy!
125
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,000
LAUGHTER
126
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,600
She's laughing.
127
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,480
Son got the motorbike.
128
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:56,520
Who's got the motorbike?
129
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,080
- Oh, that'll be my son.
- Ah.
130
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:03,920
She's saying tell him
to sloooow doooown.
131
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,960
- Right.
- She says she feels
much better now,
132
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,520
so you're not to worry.
133
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:13,200
- Will you take her love, my darling?
- Yes. Thank you.
134
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,160
Yes.
135
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,280
Thank you.
136
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,440
APPLAUSE DROWNS
OUT SPEECH
137
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:20,400
Goose bumps.
138
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:24,320
A5 - daughter Elizabeth
died in a car crash.
139
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,760
I'm feeling some other energy now.
140
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:31,240
Making me move in this direction.
141
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,720
I think I'm coming to you, my love.
142
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,680
Blonde lady.
143
00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:40,000
I'm getting a... Oh, young lady.
144
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,160
Something about a car crash.
145
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,040
- No.
- Sure?
146
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,800
A lady called Elizabeth.
147
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:54,000
- No.
- It's definitely seat A5.
148
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,400
Car crashed on Ledbury Street.
149
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,560
It was a four car pile-up.
She can't have forgotten it.
150
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,880
Ledbury Street.
151
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,560
I want you to think about that.
152
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:06,080
- Definitely for you.
- No, not for me.
153
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,120
AUDIENCE MURMURING
154
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,920
She must be sitting
in the wrong seta.
155
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,920
You're losing them!
156
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:12,920
Do the stage spirit.
157
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,920
I think the communication
from the spirit world
158
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,040
is being disturbed
159
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,360
by a strong, violent presence
160
00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:24,600
here on this very stage.
161
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,600
Ah, ladies and gentlemen,
162
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,160
there is a spirit with me here now
163
00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:34,920
who died 100 years ago when a piece
of scenery fell on her head
164
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,520
during a matinee performance
165
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:40,600
of the Importance Of Being Earnest
166
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:45,240
by Irish playwright
and homosexual Oscar Wilde.
167
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:48,200
She is trapped now
168
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,280
between Earth and heaven.
169
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:53,960
She wanders the stage.
170
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,960
She is tired now. So tired.
171
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,480
She wants me to see if I can help
her get into the spirit world.
172
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:02,800
I'll do my best, my love.
173
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,360
Spirits, if you can hear me,
174
00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:10,200
please take this lady to her rest.
175
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:13,720
Please let her enter
your porthole.
176
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,120
Spirits, take her!
177
00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:20,280
Oh!
178
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,960
She's gone.
179
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,200
Thank you, spirits.
180
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,840
- Thank you!
- Hey, maybe I should ask
181
00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,640
if she can bring Alex Higgins
through so I can make amends.
182
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,120
That's a good idea, Mandy.
183
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,880
Um, excuse me.
184
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,080
Excuse me, Pauline.
185
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,000
Um, I don't know
this Elizabeth woman,
186
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,960
but there is someone on the
other side I'd like to talk to.
187
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,840
Um, I've got some
unfinished business
188
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,480
with Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
189
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,960
- Oh!
- The two-times
world champion snooker player?
190
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,040
Yeah. Yeah, could you bring him
through so I could apologise to him?
191
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,800
You want me to summon the ghost!
of Hurricane Higgins?
192
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:02,600
- Yeah.
- You want me to summon
the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?
193
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:07,480
- Yes, please.
- You want me to summon
the ghost of Hurricane Higgins?
194
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,680
I'm sorry, love,
I don't do requests.
195
00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:21,200
I'm not a DJ!
196
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:27,840
- Shame she didn't get Alex.
- Yeah.
197
00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:29,840
Maybe she's losing her touch.
198
00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,680
- How's the human statue work going?
- It's all right.
199
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:35,560
Most people find the hours
of inactivity hard to cope with,
200
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,840
- but, for me, it's the only perk
of the job.
- Hmm.
201
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:50,840
When I performed here last night,
202
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:53,600
I was confronted by the spirit
203
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,080
of an actress
204
00:10:56,080 --> 00:11:00,360
who died on this very stage
100 years ago.
205
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:04,600
I wonder, will she make
an appearance again?
206
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,360
What the...?
207
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,480
Oh, fucking hell.
208
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,040
I know that smell.
209
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,160
Embassy 100s.
210
00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:20,360
Higgins, is that you?
211
00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:26,640
Of course it's me.
212
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,200
I've come for you, Mandy.
213
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:33,320
You lost me the 1980
World Snooker finals.
214
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,480
I said I'd track you down.
215
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,440
- And I have.
- I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
216
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:41,160
- Please forgive me.
- I could have potted that blue,
217
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,880
come round for the final red,
218
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:44,720
leaving me on for the black.
219
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,720
But you distracted me.
220
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,680
You cost me
the World Championship, Mandy!
221
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,720
SHE SHRIEKS
222
00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:56,480
BBC SNOOKER THEME MUSIC
"DRAG RACER" PLAYS
223
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:58,880
Here comes Hurricane!
224
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,160
Row A, seat six.
225
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:10,720
While I'm talking,
I'm being drawn over here
226
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,440
to this lady.
227
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,240
And I'm getting the name...
228
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,320
Pauline Franklin.
229
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,560
..Franklin.
230
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,480
You're snookered now, Mandy!
231
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,840
This is your cue to die!
232
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,840
- No, means nothing to me.
- Come on, think.
233
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,000
- No.
- People must be sitting
in different seats again.
234
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,400
Maybe it's the lady next to you.
235
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,120
No, mate, no. Not me, no.
236
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,280
Come on, let's get our money back.
The woman's a charlatan.
237
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,760
Pauline! Open your porthole!
238
00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,800
Higgins is coming for me!
239
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,320
- Help me!
- Fuck me, the Grey Lady's real.
240
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:13,400
Mandy Carter.
241
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,120
it's Alex "Hurricane" Higgins.
242
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,120
This is your reckoning.
243
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:19,960
Alex, I love you!
244
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:32,320
AUDIENCE GROANS
245
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,640
SHE CHOKES
246
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,480
Oh!
247
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:41,680
Oh...
248
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,360
She didn't see that coming.
249
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,960
Typical Higgins - went for the shot,
250
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,360
should have played safety.
251
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,200
# There's a ghost in my house
252
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,440
# A ghost of your memories
253
00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:00,600
# The ghost of the love
that you took from me
254
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,160
# Where our love used to be
255
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,680
# Only shadows from the past I see
256
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,200
# Time can't seem to erase
257
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,320
# The vision of your smiling face
258
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,080
# Though you found someone new
259
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,840
# I can't get over you
260
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,520
# There's a ghost in my house. #
18759
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