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This programme contains
some strong language
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00:00:04,280 --> 00:00:07,920
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
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# But I sent you away
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00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:12,480
# Oh, Mandy
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# Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
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# And I need you today
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Oh, Mandy. #
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Come on!
Let's hear the rentable value.
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DOORBELL
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Fuck me!
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Who's not watching
Homes Under The Hammer at this hour?
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Mandy Carter?
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00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,160
- Who are you?
- I'm from a credit recovery agency.
14
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- A who?
- I'm a bailiff.
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00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:41,560
Right.
No, I'm...I'm not Mandy Carter.
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She left about a week ago.
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I'm...Candy Marter.
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No relation.
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I see.
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I'm empowered by law to recover
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00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:54,640
goods to the value
of £2,648 and 68p.
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00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,560
- Did you get our letters?
- Letters. No.
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I haven't had any letters.
24
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This won't take long.
25
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Excuse me.
26
00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:03,520
Thank you.
27
00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,200
HE SLURPS
28
00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,680
Oh, fucking hell!
29
00:01:06,680 --> 00:01:08,280
Ooh! Fuck!
30
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Mandy Carter!
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Don't normally see you in here
of your own volition.
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00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:14,800
To what do I owe
the pleasure of your company?
33
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,240
I need you to find me a job.
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00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:20,240
Well, this is the keenest I've ever
seen you to find employment, Mandy.
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The last time we had
a benefits assessment,
36
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,160
you told me you had "wrong Covid".
37
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,560
They've taken my telly!
38
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,320
Now I'll never know
the rentable value
39
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,360
of a two-bedroom
basement flat in Bolton.
40
00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:31,400
I need to make some money fast
to get it back.
41
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,880
- Let's see.
Have you got any A-levels?
- No.
42
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,800
Maths GCSE?
43
00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,760
English GSCE?
44
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,920
There's not much for people
without any qualifications.
45
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,200
Oh, come on!
There must be something!
46
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:43,840
I'm not expecting to be Head of EMI!
47
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:46,280
Just something where
I can make a few quid quick.
48
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,720
Well, there is this.
49
00:01:48,720 --> 00:01:50,080
What are you like with trees?
50
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Trees?
51
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I'm all right.
52
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:54,520
Well, maybe this is for you.
53
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,880
It's only part-time, but we could
find you something else as well,
54
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,640
and at least it'll show
that you're willing to work.
55
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- What is it?
- Yeah, apparently,
some kids have been swinging
56
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,640
on the branches and breaking it.
It's over 800 years old.
57
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,840
Um, you'd be trained
in the use of poisoned darts.
58
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,320
The training would be on-the-job,
apparently. You interested?
59
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:14,040
You had me at poisoned darts.
60
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,440
Are you the tree man? I'm meant to
be meeting some sort of tree cunt.
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00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,680
Yeah. That's me.
62
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,080
You must be Mandy.
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00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,200
Pleased to meet you.
64
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,440
Ah. You done this
sort of thing before, Mandy?
65
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:30,080
Well, I've seen a tree, if that's
what you mean, on TV and that.
66
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,960
Right. Well, this is
a London plane -
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Platanus acerifolia.
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Oldest in the world.
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800 years old.
70
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,080
If this tree could talk,
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00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,440
it'd be able to tell you
about the Battle of Hastings,
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00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:44,760
the Black Death,
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and something else old.
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00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,320
If it could talk, I probably
wouldn't talk to it about history.
75
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,120
I'd just get it straight
onto Britain's Got Talent.
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00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:52,160
Oh.
77
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,920
Well, unfortunately,
with its becoming boughs,
78
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:59,760
it's a magnet for children,
who swing on its branches,
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potentially damaging its bark.
80
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,200
Your job, Mandy, is to...
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..deter them!
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00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:10,440
Here's what you need.
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00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,360
This.
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And this.
85
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,440
And this leaflet. Er...
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00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:20,800
"Firing Poison Darts
For Pleasure And Profit."
87
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,160
So, what...what do I do?
88
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,240
Well, you just sit here,
89
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,400
and when a child jumps on the tree,
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you shout at it to GET DOWN!
91
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:33,480
And if it doesn't budge, you just
shoot it in the neck with a dart.
92
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,760
Will it kill them?
93
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Unfortunately not.
94
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,360
Are you sure I'm allowed?
95
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,680
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's so old,
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00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:43,520
the council have authorised
the use of poison darts.
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00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,040
Well, I'll leave you to it.
98
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,560
I hope you get a few
of the bastards.
99
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,600
- You knock off at 5:30.
- Right.
100
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,640
Get off the tree!
101
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GET OFF THE TREE!
102
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,280
Piss off, grandma!
103
00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,880
Oh, you little shit!
104
00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,440
Ow!
105
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THUD!
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Mm.
107
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Get off the tree!
108
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ARROW SWOOSHES
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ARROW SWOOSHES
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DOUBLE SWOOSHES
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00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:31,720
VOLLEY OF SWOOSHES
112
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Get off the tree!
113
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:38,920
Get off the tree!
114
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:39,960
Get off!
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HE HOCKS
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Ewww!
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- Agh!
- Dirty devil!
118
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BELL DINGS
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ARROW SWOOSHES
120
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ARROWS PING
121
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I mean, what on earth
were you thinking?
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23 people are in hospital
thanks to your blowpipe antics.
123
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,440
I got carried away.
I got a taste for it.
124
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,960
You're making it really hard for me
to find work for you here, Mandy.
125
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,160
This is the sort of thing
that would make the local paper,
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00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,880
if there were local papers any more.
127
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,720
Is there anything else?
I don't have a penny.
128
00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:49,080
Nothing. There's nothing, Mandy.
129
00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:50,680
You're on your own now.
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00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:52,960
So, this is it.
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Can't even get a job
shooting kids out of trees.
132
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,680
This is what rock-bottom
feels like.
133
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:02,760
I need a drink.
134
00:06:02,760 --> 00:06:04,120
Well, it's a simple hit.
135
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:07,480
It's just...can't do it myself
cos everyone knows me round here.
136
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,960
Hm.
137
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,920
We need to find someone local,
138
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,760
someone who wants to
make some easy money.
139
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:15,640
- I enjoyed that job.
- Yeah. Yeah.
140
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,000
I was accurate.
141
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,280
Only needed one chance,
and they were down.
142
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,120
It was good money, too.
143
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,640
Oh, give us another one, Paul.
Put it on the slate.
144
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,040
I can't do that, Mandy.
145
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We haven't had a slate since 1976.
146
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,440
Paul, please!
147
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I'm at my lowest egg!
148
00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:33,240
Did you just say egg?
149
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,200
- Yeah.
- It's ebb.
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Ebb? What kind of word is ebb?
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00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,480
All right, love!
152
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,760
Do you want to come over here
and join us? Eh? Take a seat.
153
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,280
We'll buy you a drink.
154
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,120
Plus, we, er...
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..we want to discuss
something with you.
156
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,320
All right. Nothing dirty, mind.
157
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:54,400
Strictly business.
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Paul!
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00:06:57,160 --> 00:07:00,200
So, you're a crack shot, are you?
160
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,160
Yeah. Great shot. Cold as ice.
161
00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,440
Right. I'll cut to the chase.
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00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:06,320
We're looking for someone like you -
163
00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:07,440
a good shot.
164
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:08,880
And there's big money in it, too.
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00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:12,680
You could, if you'll pardon
the expression, make a killing!
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I don't get it.
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Oh!
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00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:20,040
Cool customer, eh?
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00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,000
- Oh!
- Cheers, Paul!
- Nice one, mate.
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00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,680
Thanks, Paul.
171
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:27,840
How much?
172
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,120
- How much what?
- For the job. How much?
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00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,680
Oh! It was £12 an hour,
but it was only part-time.
174
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:34,000
No. For this job.
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00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,160
- How much do you want?
- Oh.
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00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,680
Right. Um...
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00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:39,520
- Five grand.
- Oh. Is that all?
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00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,880
- Oh, I mean 15!
- No.
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00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,800
Five grand. It's a deal.
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00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,040
Right. All right.
181
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,360
What do I have to do?
182
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:48,800
This is him.
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00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:50,320
That's a very professional photo.
184
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:52,360
Yeah. He did some acting once.
185
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:55,800
He'll be at
15 Rillington Place next Tuesday.
186
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,480
9pm.
187
00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,840
I'd be killing a man? Is that right?
188
00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:01,160
How much was it again?
189
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,080
Five grand cash.
190
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,640
Right. I could do with the money.
191
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:09,240
Look, if it makes you feel any
better, he's a very bad man.
192
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:14,040
In fact, he's a very, very bad man.
193
00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:16,520
Yeah. Well, that does makes
me feel better, actually.
194
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:17,800
Can I have the money now?
195
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,640
Right. Look.
196
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,840
Take that now for expenses.
197
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,240
When you've finished your job,
198
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,640
you get the rest.
199
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,080
Fair enough.
200
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,440
Better get on with it!
201
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,560
Photo.
202
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:39,760
Well, I mean,
he is a bad man, isn't he?
203
00:08:39,760 --> 00:08:41,080
He's a very bad man.
204
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,240
Just not as bad as us!
205
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,280
Mm, is this a bit fun
for a hit man?
206
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,800
OK, well, we could lose
the bubble writing.
207
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,320
Hmm. I don't know.
208
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,920
I feel like if I'm going to leave
this at the scene of my hits,
209
00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:58,920
it needs to be a bit
more like, "Oh, it's them!"
210
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,360
You know, a bit more professional.
211
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,640
I definitely think adding a name
would make it more personal.
212
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,120
Yeah. It's just, as a hit man, I'd
just rather not reveal my identity.
213
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,680
Yeah, I can see that.
214
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,160
Um, have you thought
about using a pseudonym?
215
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,720
I've always liked the name Graham.
216
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:12,840
Graham.
217
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,040
And what about a surname?
218
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,520
WHISPERS: Graham...
219
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:17,680
Horton?
220
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,000
Does that sound a bit
too much like Graham Norton?
221
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,560
People like Graham Norton.
222
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,360
Yeah, but would you trust him
to kill someone for you?
223
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,400
Oh, that's a point.
224
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,600
I reckon he'd make
a right pig's ear of it!
225
00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:31,120
OK.
226
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,040
There you go. How does that look?
227
00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:34,160
Oh, that's lovely!
228
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,240
Yeah. How much is it?
229
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,680
Well, how many do you need?
230
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,480
Oh, not many - 15, 20.
231
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,560
- OK.
- Well, we've got
a special offer, at the moment,
232
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:42,480
it works out cheaper
if you buy 7,000.
233
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:44,240
Oh, I'll do. Yeah. Thanks.
234
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:57,640
Excuse me. You haven't had
any guns come in, have you?
235
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,720
Guns? No.
236
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:02,600
Oh, well, hold on! I'll ask Linda.
237
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:05,480
Linda? Linda?
238
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:06,840
Yeah?
239
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,560
We haven't had any guns
come in, have we?
240
00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:11,600
- Guns?
- Yeah.
241
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,000
No, love.
242
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,520
What's she after?
243
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,200
Colt 45?
244
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,920
AK-47?
245
00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,560
Uzi?
246
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:21,880
What kind of gun you after, love?
247
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,600
Any of those will do.
248
00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,840
Linda, she says any of those
will do.
249
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,720
Well, take her number, Maur,
250
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,080
and if any come in,
we can give her a ring.
251
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,160
What's your number, love?
252
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,240
Actually, how much
is that big sword there?
253
00:10:35,240 --> 00:10:36,840
Hang on a sec.
254
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:38,720
I'll ask Linda.
255
00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:39,960
Linda?
256
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,480
What now?!
257
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:44,640
How much is that
big sword on the model?
258
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:46,760
Call it £4.
259
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,000
- It's £4...
- Yes, I heard.
260
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,640
Yes, I'll take that, thanks.
261
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,600
Oh, fuck!
262
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,120
- Hello!
- Oh, hiya!
263
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:19,560
- Are you OK?
- Yeah, I just got
my sword stuck in this tree.
264
00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:20,600
Oh, dear!
265
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,480
I wonder if I could...
266
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,920
BARK CREAKS
267
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,680
There we go!
268
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,560
- Oh, thanks.
- OK.
269
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,480
It's a lovely sword.
Where did you find it?
270
00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:32,600
You'll never guess.
Sue Ryder - the charity shop!
271
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:35,240
- No!
- Yeah!
- That's fantastic.
272
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,720
I've always loved swords,
ever since I was a little boy,
273
00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:41,440
but my mum could
never afford to buy me one.
274
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,960
Oh. Well, would you
like to take this one?
275
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,520
Oh, no, I couldn't possibly
take your lovely sword.
276
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:49,440
Oh, no. Go on. It's yours.
277
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,400
Oh, that's very kind.
278
00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,840
I can put it with my others.
279
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:56,960
Others?
280
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,040
I'll just put this here.
281
00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:06,240
You're not married, are you?
282
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:08,720
No. How did you know?
283
00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,360
Your decor could do
with a woman's touch.
284
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,120
Honestly, I can't thank you
enough for this new sword.
285
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:16,480
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
286
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,680
Well, there must be something
I can do for you.
287
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:22,120
Actually, I couldn't take a photo of
you pretending to be dead, could I?
288
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,760
- What?
- I know it sounds mad,
but I was hired to kill you
289
00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,280
and I won't get the money
if I haven't completed the job.
290
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,360
Um...
291
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,080
- Yeah. All right. I'll do it.
- Oh, great.
292
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,840
As long as you tell me
who hired you.
293
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,360
All right. It's a deal.
294
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,200
Is it done?
295
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,240
All done.
296
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,800
How do we know?
297
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,240
Ta.
298
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,880
Yeah. I found your card.
299
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:17,160
I've got a job for you.
300
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,240
Well...
301
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,800
..two jobs, actually.
302
00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,440
I couldn't bring myself
to do it, Lola,
303
00:13:24,440 --> 00:13:27,240
but he let me pretend I'd killed
him, so I still got the money.
304
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,840
That is very understanding of him.
305
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:30,400
- Yeah.
- And what are you going to do
306
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,160
with all the business cards
you had printed up?
307
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:34,320
Oh, don't worry.
I found a good home for them.
308
00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:35,840
Someone bought them off me on Etsy,
309
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,080
so made a bit of
extra cash there, too.
310
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,320
Ah.
311
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,000
JAMES BOND—ESQUE MUSIC
312
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,960
# Bang, bang, I shot you down
313
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,840
# Bang, bang, you hit the ground
314
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,720
# Bang, bang, that awful sound
315
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:06,840
# Bang, bang
I used to shoot you down
316
00:14:15,280 --> 00:14:17,160
# Music played and people sang
317
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,760
# Just for me, the church bells rang
318
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:21,840
# Hey! #
21904
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