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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,680
This programme contains
some strong language
2
00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:07,840
# Oh, Mandy, well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:07,840 --> 00:00:09,920
# But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,040
# Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:16,640
# Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:21,640
# And I need you today, oh, Mandy. #
7
00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:24,680
What are you up to
at the moment, Mandy?
8
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,680
Eh? Spinning in this chair.
9
00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:28,240
No, I mean for a job.
10
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,680
You can't just
lounge around in here all day.
11
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,160
I thought you liked my company, Lol.
12
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,080
I do, of course!
13
00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,000
But I just think you're
wasting your time.
14
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,920
No-one will employ me, Lol.
15
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:40,840
I've tried everything.
16
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:42,800
Why don't you be
an air stewardess, Mandy?
17
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,400
Apparently, they are desperate
for people to train
18
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:46,840
as cabin crew at the moment.
19
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,480
- Is that so?
- Yes, and you only have
to be tall.
20
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,640
How tall do you have to be,
just out of interest?
21
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:53,520
5'8.
22
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,160
And they are very strict.
23
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,720
They will overlook everything else
- criminal record,
24
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,840
social media cancellation,
perversions of all kinds -
25
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:07,280
but if you are under 5'8
by just a millimetre, you are out.
26
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:08,560
They test it with lasers.
27
00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,560
What a wonderful life -
swanning around the globe,
28
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,760
serving people
drinks in little cans.
29
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,480
Why don't you do it, Mandy?
30
00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,360
I'm probably not tall enough.
31
00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:22,360
You are very tall.
Look at you.
32
00:01:22,360 --> 00:01:24,440
No, I'm not. I'm not 5'8.
33
00:01:24,440 --> 00:01:26,680
- You are! Look at you!
- No, I'm not.
34
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,080
I'm not. It's my boots.
35
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,720
They just make me look taller.
36
00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:35,080
- Really?
- Yeah.
37
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:36,480
Look, I'll show you.
38
00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,360
Oh, my God, Mandy! I had no idea!
39
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:43,560
I know. It's such a shame.
40
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,960
I'd love to have been
an air hostess.
41
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:48,120
You can do it, Mandy.
42
00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:50,880
There's an operation
to make your legs longer.
43
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:53,560
My uncle Finbar got it done
so he could be a shelf stacker.
44
00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:55,440
- Give over!
- It's true.
45
00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:57,960
They insert a piece of cartilage
into your shin bone
46
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,960
and Bob is your cousin.
47
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:02,960
It sounds expensive. I doubt you can
get it done on the NHS.
48
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,320
Student doctors always need
people to train on,
49
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:07,040
so it's probably cheaper, but...
50
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,480
BELL TINKLES
51
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,720
..it will take much longer to heal.
52
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,240
Are you sure you want to do this?
53
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,520
Yeah, I just need an extra foot and
a half inserted into me.
54
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,240
Said the actress to the bishop!
55
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:19,520
THEY LAUGH
56
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,120
You are a real doctor, aren't you?
57
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:22,560
Yeah, of course.
58
00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:26,280
Well, nearly. I just need to
practise on a few more people.
59
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,480
SHE GULPS
60
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,080
You know you have to keep these
magnetic callipers on
61
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,280
- for six months afterwards?
- Why are they magnetic?
62
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,280
You specified on the form you'd
like the cheaper magnetic ones.
63
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,920
OK, nurse,
get the circular saw going.
64
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:41,400
SAW WHIRS
65
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:41,400
Let's get slicing!
66
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,920
# Mandy, fly me away... #
67
00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,560
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to flight 3542 to Dundee.
68
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,600
We're at cruising height now, and
the captain's just turned off
69
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:54,760
the seat belt signs.
70
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,640
But please take care to listen to
any safety instructions,
71
00:02:57,640 --> 00:03:01,240
and make sure any luggage is safely
secured underneath your seat.
72
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,040
My colleague and I will shortly
be making our way down the plane
73
00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:05,960
with a selection of food,
drinks, scratchcards,
74
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,280
Elizabeth Arden eight-hour cream,
and nuts.
75
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:12,120
Let me know
if you need to rest your legs.
76
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:13,280
Oh, thanks, Kenny.
77
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:15,560
I thought the callipers were
coming off this week.
78
00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:18,040
The doctor said I have to keep them
on a bit longer,
79
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,040
cos me legs keep buckling
underneath me.
80
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,280
Do you know, I'm amazed the airline
have allowed you on.
81
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:23,640
They're so strict on appearance.
82
00:03:23,640 --> 00:03:26,440
I know, but I said I'd take them to
the European Court of Human Rights
83
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,160
- if they threatened to sack me.
- Oh, good for you.
84
00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,920
I'll start with
the passengers at the back.
85
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,920
They're more my sort of people.
86
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:38,120
Oh...
87
00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:40,440
Sorry about that.
Me callipers are magnetic.
88
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,240
They were the only ones
I could afford.
89
00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:47,680
METAL CLANKS AGAINST CALLIPERS
90
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,920
Was it you that wanted the Prosecco?
91
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,800
- Yes, thank you.
- Here you go.
92
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,360
There, enjoy that.
93
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:10,840
Oh, that needs to be up.
94
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,040
Scratchcards?
95
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,200
Scratchcard, anyone?
96
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:30,720
Scratchcards?
97
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,600
Scratch... Oh, God.
98
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,000
Scratchcards? Scratchcards?
99
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,920
You could win
the holiday of a lifetime.
100
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,680
I'm on the holiday of a lifetime
now, actually.
101
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,240
Not in economy, you're not.
102
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:44,480
Yours, I believe.
103
00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:46,840
Where are you off?
104
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,400
I just need to pop to the lavatory.
105
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:51,200
Well, it's £6.50
if you'd like to use the lav.
106
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,920
£6.50? Really?
107
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,520
No, I'm having a laugh.
They're free.
108
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,160
They're just down there on the
right.
109
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:57,440
I'd leave it ten minutes, though,
110
00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,440
cos the woman in row F
just came out
111
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:00,760
and now they're a fucking disgrace!
112
00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:02,440
Scratchcards?
113
00:05:02,440 --> 00:05:03,960
Scratchcard, anyone?
114
00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:08,960
THUNDER RUMBLES
115
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,520
Scratchcard?
116
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,200
Scratchcards?
117
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,400
Oh, what's this?
118
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,800
"Say nothing.
I have a gun and a bomb.
119
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,640
"Take me to the choc pit."
120
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:21,360
What's the choc pit?
121
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,120
Cock! Cock!
122
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,120
I couldn't find a "cock" anywhere.
123
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:28,760
They tend not to print it
much in newspaper headlines.
124
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,160
Oh, my gosh!
125
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,640
Let's go. The cockpit, now.
126
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,640
Fuck!
127
00:05:53,480 --> 00:05:56,000
The autopilot's still engaged,
isn't it, Number Two?
128
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,280
Er, yeah, Captain, I think so.
129
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,920
KNOCK ON DOOR
130
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,920
Oh...
131
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,320
I'll get it.
132
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,400
- Ah, good, our coffees!
- Mm!
133
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:13,960
Stay where you are.
I'm now in charge of this aircraft.
134
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,040
- There's a bomb on board.
- Oh, my God!
135
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,760
..and unless £1
million is transferred
136
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:24,000
into my bank account, by BACS or
CHAPS, then I'll detonate it.
137
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,040
I'm sure that's normal.
I'm sure that's...
138
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,760
How did you get
a bomb on board the plane?
139
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,240
I suppose you could say...
140
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,640
..I had to wing it!
141
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,520
Is it on the wing?
142
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,120
Yes! Yes, it's on the
wing! Get out.
143
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:45,040
I don't want you hearing my bank
account details.
144
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,560
Or anyone else, for that matter.
145
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,160
INSTRUMENTS BEEP
146
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,720
Kenny, there's a bomb on the wing!
147
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:51,840
I know. We heard.
148
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,840
Well, I've had a good life.
149
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:59,280
You know, I got to fly on a plane
and...
150
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,200
Well, I've had some lovely
hot dinners.
151
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,160
You're lucky, Mandy.
152
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,040
You've experienced some things,
you know?
153
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,760
You've lived life.
154
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,760
This is the first time I've ever
left Billericay.
155
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,480
Oh, Mandy, what am I going to...?
156
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,840
Mandy?
157
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,400
Mandy!
158
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:24,880
They just can't get that
sort of money together in an hour!
159
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,880
You expect me to believe that?
160
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,080
A million's loose change
to an airline.
161
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,000
They need to transfer it now.
162
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,080
And no tricks.
163
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,000
Because when I get jumpy...
164
00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,480
..I start to get twitchy.
165
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,760
OK. What was that sort code again?
166
00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:45,800
Erm...
167
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,600
HE TUTS
168
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,600
Oh, God.
169
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,600
- Er, er, 20...
- Mm-hm?
170
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,040
..13...
171
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,400
..31.
172
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:57,200
CALLIPERS CLANK HEAVILY
173
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,560
SHE SCREAMS
174
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:23,600
Oh...
175
00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,400
Oh, God bless her.
176
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,440
She was so brave.
177
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,680
And she never even lived
to see her new legs.
178
00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:37,720
We'll never forget you, Mandy.
179
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:40,680
Excuse me.
180
00:08:40,680 --> 00:08:42,280
I can't seem to get Jumanji to play.
181
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,040
Oh, you've just paused it, I think.
182
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:46,000
- Oh, you silly sausage!
- Oh, thanks.
183
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:47,040
You're welcome.
184
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,800
Scratchcards - any scratchcards?
185
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,080
- PHONE PINGS
- They say they've transferred it.
186
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,960
Er...
187
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:56,160
No, I can't see it
in my bank account.
188
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,080
Have you tried
Pending Transactions?
189
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,280
Do you get signal up here?
190
00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,480
Er, yeah, two bars but it's enough.
191
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,800
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
192
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:20,160
So go to Account, Current Account,
193
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,320
- Recent Transactions...
- Mm-hm.
194
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:24,040
- ..Pending Transactions.
- Erm...
195
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,040
PHONE PINGS
196
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,040
Oh.
197
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,560
- It's a text from the bank.
- Oh!
198
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,920
"We have detected suspicious
activity on your account
199
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,440
"and blocked it.
Please call us on..."
200
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:37,960
Fuck me!
201
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,480
I did tell them I was doing this.
202
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:45,680
Oi, dickhead, I've kicked your
bomb off the wing.
203
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,880
Bullshit. I don't believe you.
204
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,120
It's bomb o'clock.
205
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,680
Goodbye, world!
206
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,040
DETONATOR BEEPS
207
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:57,280
DETONATOR BEEPS REPEATEDLY
208
00:09:57,280 --> 00:09:58,320
Fuck's sake!
209
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,320
I'll just have to finish you off
the old-fashioned way...
210
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,440
Starting with you.
211
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,880
SHE SCREAMS
212
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:15,640
Fucking hell, I've shot him.
213
00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:17,320
- Fuck.
- Oh, yeah.
214
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,440
Should
have bought a scratchcard, mate.
215
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,480
You could have been
a millionaire by now.
216
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,120
ALARM BEEPS
217
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,720
Is everything all right?
218
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,840
Do you want me to go back to
serving coffees?
219
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,880
Bloody Nora, that bullet has severed
the hydraulic control unit.
220
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:31,440
We don't have any brakes.
221
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:32,800
We can land the plane,
222
00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:34,840
but there's no way of stopping it.
223
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,800
We'll crash into the airport.
224
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:41,360
Ground Control.
This is flight 3-5-4-2.
225
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,120
Prepare for crash landing.
226
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,120
Prepare for crash landing.
227
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,720
Wait, I've got an idea.
228
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,560
No, it's gone.
229
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:50,840
Oh, well.
230
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,280
No, it's back again.
231
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,920
You land the plane,
and I'll stop it.
232
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,240
- Which way to the wheels?
- Back through that hatch?
233
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,000
If I don't make it back,
234
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,560
remember my name.
235
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:05,840
Mandy Carter.
236
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,600
We're coming in fast. Clear the
runway.
237
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,520
Clear the airport, our brakes have
failed.
238
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,080
Repeat, our brakes have failed.
We are going to crash.
239
00:11:19,080 --> 00:11:21,040
Even if we can get this thing down,
240
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,920
we're going so fast we won't stop
until the long-stay car park.
241
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:28,040
Best-case scenario, we'll be taking
a bus back to the terminal.
242
00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,240
And they're only every 15 minutes.
243
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:35,680
For God's sake, wait!
244
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:37,400
Oh, God, what are you doing?
245
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:40,000
Oh, shit, brace, brace!
246
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,400
Brakes not responding.
247
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,920
Critical, brakes not responding.
248
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,480
Brakes not responding.
249
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,960
We're down.
250
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,680
I hope she's done...
251
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:55,880
Hydraulic failure.
252
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,400
- ..whatever it was she was going
to do.
- What was her name again?
253
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:17,560
We're slowing.
254
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:19,040
We're slowing!
255
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:20,600
I don't know how...
256
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,120
..but she's done it.
257
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,040
She's done it.
258
00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,960
Mandy's done it!
259
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,520
Mandy!
260
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,880
Mandy! Mandy!
261
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,800
Mandy! Mandy!
262
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,360
Thank God.
263
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:52,440
Mandy?
264
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:53,920
Mandy!
265
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,360
God bless you.
266
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:57,960
Mary, was it?
267
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,800
Her name was Mandy Carter
268
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,040
and she's just saved the lives
of you
269
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,600
and everyone else on this
goddamn plane.
270
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:09,280
Thank you, Mandy,
271
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:10,960
wherever you are.
272
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,280
SHOP DOORBELL RINGS
273
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,560
I think I've won a tenner on a
scratchcard.
274
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:19,480
It's better than that.
You've got six planes.
275
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,040
You have won
the holiday of a lifetime.
276
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:23,400
First-class flight to New York!
277
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,160
Oh, fuck that, I'm staying here.
278
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:26,600
I'm going nowhere.
279
00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:32,840
# Come fly with me
280
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,280
# Let's fly, let's fly away
281
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,160
# If you can use some exotic booze
282
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:44,240
# There's a bar in far Bombay
283
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,240
# Come on and fly with me
284
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:49,680
# Let's fly, let's fly away
285
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,560
# Come fly with me
286
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,840
# Let's float down to Peru... #
20033
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