Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

Lucky heather, dear? Oh, no, no, thanks.

Get yourself some good luck. No, I'm all right.

For the pretty lady on a lovely day. No, I'm OK.

It's only a pound. No, honestly. Fuck you, then!

You're going to die!

It were dead scary, Lola.

I'm worried she's put a curse on me or something.

Hey, are you going to stay up on Friday and watch for the comet?

The what? The comet. An asteroid

It only comes every 76 years.

Oh, who gives a toss? I never look up, me.

Wouldn't even give it the satisfaction of craning me neck.

This is the closest to Earth the comet has ever been.

They say you will be able to see it with a naked eye.

What the fuck's a naked eye? Sounds disgusting.

I've been reading all about it.

They say the comet is meant to be a bad omen.

The last time it came, we got the Spanish flu.

The time before that, vampires.

Fucking hell, that's all I need.

Messa da Requiem - Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi

Oh, my God!

Hello. Oh, God, Lola! Lola!

What is it, Mandy?

I've just got home and there's a note through the door.

It says, "You know what I'm here for. The Terminator"

It's from the Terminator!

The Terminator? Who is the Terminator?

I don't know, but he's not a mobile hairdresser, is he?

Maybe a hit man or something.

Oh, God, Lola, why didn't I just buy the heather?

You should always buy the heather, Mandy!

Just to be on the safe side.

I know. I've been really stupid.

Oh, Lola, can you come over?

I don't think I can face being here on me own tonight.

No, I don't think I can.

Look, I know I'm late to the party, but I wanted to binge-watch

King Tiger tonight, and you don't have Netflix.

But I'm all alone here, Lola.

I'll come and check on you in the morning.

You need to make a list of people who might want you dead

and eliminate them one by one.

When you say eliminate, what do you mean?

Apologise to them.

Oh, right. I mean, who'd want me dead?

I suppose I told Linda Chaffinch I didn't like her choppy bob once.

Can't be that, surely. She can be quite small minded.

Or there was Derek Dribbs.

He asked me out, but I turned him down.

Nothing personal. He just stank and had a bit of a wet beard.

And there was Donna Ball.

Let her down in a bank robbery

and now she's doing 15 years as a result.

What do you think, Lol?

Lol? Lol?!

Hello, is that Derek Dribbs?

Ah... Hiya. It's Mandy, Mandy Carter.

Yeah. I, um...

I just wanted to apologise for the way I turned you down

when you asked me out.

Yeah, I know, I know, it was a long time ago, but I was a bit rude

and I just wanted to apologise.

Yeah, I know, I know. I should have turned you down to your face.

Yeah, not put an advert in the local paper.

All right. Yep. All right, thanks. Bye, bye.

Messa da Requiem - Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi

All right, Lol?

Oh, Mandy, you look terrible.

Been up all night, apologising to people.

Someone's out to kill me, Lol.

I know.

I thought this article might help you.

I doubt there's anything that could help me now, Lol,

unless it's a second chance of life.

That's exactly what it is!

"I had sex with Hitler's ghost"?

No, below that. "I got Aids from a cardigan"?

No, below that. "I married my own mum"?

No, below that. "24 great quiche recipes"?

No, below that. "My second chance at life"?

Second chance at life, Mandy.

That's what you need.

Cryogenics.

Freezing human life.

I've never heard of cryogenics. They've kept that quiet.

No-one tells me anything.

Well, it's still in its infancy,

like aromatherapy and ear candling.

They freeze your body when you die

and then in a few hundred years' time

when they've worked out what to do, they bring you back to life.

Hm. Amazing. Yes. It's very expensive, though.

How much? £80,000.

Oh, Lol, why come here and tease me with something I could never afford?

Well, I still think we should go and see them.

Maybe you can pay in instalments.

Just the head? You can freeze just the head?

Yes. It's only £30,000 and you can always decide later

if you want to attach a donor body.

But I've got lovely long legs.

Will my donor have lovely long legs?

Well, it might be a case of beggars not being choosers, I'm afraid,

but I can always pop it in your notes.

Lovely long legs.

And can anything go wrong?

I'll be honest with you, Mandy,

there are a great number of things that can go wrong,

the main one being pain.

We just don't know how the human body

can handle being frozen for so long.

There is a possibility that you could be in great agony.

Could you pop it me notes that I'd like a couple of Nurofen?

Yes.

Nurofen.

Also, Mandy - and I'm sure you've already considered this -

but, um...you won't know anybody.

You'll be all alone in the modern world.

Why don't you get it done? Then we can be thawed out together.

We do have an offer on at the moment. BOGOF?

I don't know, Mandy.

I feel like it's tampering with nature,

like Frankenstein or something.

It's the future.

I mean, imagine Einstein or Isambard Kingdom Brunel being frozen

and having the technology now to revive them?

Who? Imagine showing them Google Maps.

Yeah, or a fidget spinner.

Or YouTube. Yeah. Or Deliveroo.

Would you like some fried chicken

and a Fanta in the next 20 minutes, man from the past?

Or Amazon. Amazon Prime.

You need a new hole punch, with Amazon Prime,

you can get it delivered the very same day.

Mm. They'd wonder with awe at how far we'd come.

Imagine showing them a plane! Yeah, they'd shit their pants.

Or TikTok.

Um... If you take those pamphlets away with you

and let me know what you think.

Uh-huh...

Lola, I've been thinking.

I don't think I will get cryogenically frozen after all.

It's too expensive.

Oh, look. Kylie's got a new young, French boyfriend.

I'm going to face me fate with dignity.

He looks very handsome.

I hope this one doesn't mess her around

like all her other handsome, young French boyfriends.

Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know

I'm going to go home and have me last meal

before the Terminator comes.

I've had a massive jacket potato in the oven since Wednesday.

How big is this potato? It's massive, Lola.

You don't want it to be hard in the middle.

No, I know. There's nothing worse.

Did you microwave it first? No.

Cos it's been in for a few days, I thought it'd be fine.

Did you prick it? No!

I've had a lot on me mind, Lola.

I've had death threats, I've had ancient curses,

so forgive me if I forgot to prick me bloody jacket potato!

Messa da Requiem - Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi

You know what I'm here for. The Terminator.

The Terminator!

Oh, God, just make it quick.

You what? No, I'm a bailiff, here on behalf of Blockbusters.

Blockbusters? The video rental company.

You took out a copy of The Terminator in 1986

and never returned it.

What...? Did I?

Wait here.

Yeah, you're right. I did. Do you want it back? Yes, please.

Even though this format is completely obsolete now.

Do I owe you any money or anything? No.

Now it's been returned, I'll cancel the fines.

Given that Blockbuster ceased trading in 2013,

I would think this is the last you'll be hearing from us.

As long as you rewound it. Yeah.

Bye, then.

Me giant potato!

Messa da Requiem - Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi

- MAN, - Emergency. Which service do you require?

Oh, thank God, I've been trying to get through to you for hours.

Do you have anyone who deals with jacket potatoes?

Is this a wind-up?

No, no. I think it's going to explode.

That's Fire, then. I can try putting you through to the fire station,

but I don't think there's anyone there at the moment.

They're all out looking for this comet. What's the problem?

I've had a massive jacket potato in the oven for days

and I...I forgot to prick it.

You forgot to prick it? Yes.

OK, here's what I'm going to need you to do.

After being watched fly through the night sky by millions of people

across the country, the comet crashed to Earth here,

in this normal front garden in Radcliffe.

To think that the comet travelled literally hundreds of thousands

of light years across the sky and crashed here

in this ordinary garden is amazing.

As you can see, it's still smouldering

from the sheer heat inside it.

Hello? Hey, Neil.

Could you put me on to the owner of the house, please?

Oh, right. It's for you.

You what?

Hello. Is that your garden?

Who's asking? It's Professor Cox.

Sounds like a porn name.

No, I'm a scientist who's allowed to speak to normal people

because I've got a northern accent.

But this comet, can I buy it off you on behalf of the Science Museum

for £20,000?

Make it 30 and you've got yourself a deal.

Deal. You've done a great service for science in this country.

Thanks.

I'll send a courier around to pick it up.

Oh, don't bother, I'll pop it in a Jiffy bag.

There she is.

Come on, waking up now.

Good, good, good, good.

Mandy, we've brought you back to life.

The year is 3035 and, yeah, you'll be pleased to hear

that the thawing process was a complete success.

So, how are you feeling?

I feel fine, actually. OK, good.

Now, even though we managed to revive you,

we are still looking for a donor.

A donor? For what?

For your body.

Oh! Fucking hell!

Would you like a Nurofen or anything?

Yeah, I wouldn't mind, actually. A couple.

And the naproxen as well, if you want, just take the edge off.

Messa da Requiem - Dies Irae by Giuseppe Verdi