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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,280
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:07,720
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking
3
00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,880
♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,120
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:17,000
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,240
♪ And I need you today
7
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:21,680
♪ Oh, Mandy! ♪
8
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This programme contains some
strong language and adult humour
9
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,880
Back again, Mandy? Yeah.
10
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,320
Why did you leave the job
at the frozen-fish factory?
11
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,840
One of the other women who worked
there looked like Rose West.
12
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,440
Gave me the right shivers.
Was it Rose West? No.
13
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,280
They said her name
was Margaret Dodd.
14
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,240
But she really
looked like Rose West.
15
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,720
She had the glasses and everything.
16
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:45,160
Could have been a professional
Lookie-likie, you know,
17
00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:48,320
open supermarkets and that.
Open supermarkets? As Rose West?
18
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,000
I'm not convinced
it weren't Rose West.
19
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,000
Every time I saw her it gave me
a shock. It were doing me nerves in.
20
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,360
First time I saw her,
I was rooted to the spot
21
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,920
and held on to a breaded cod
so long it froze to me hand.
22
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:01,880
They joked that I had
fish fingers, but...
23
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:04,920
..I didn't think
that were very funny.
24
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,400
Not when you think what she's
meant to have done. Yeah.
25
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,440
Well, look, it wouldn't be the
first time you've left a job
26
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,800
for unusual reasons, would it?
I don't know what you mean.
27
00:01:13,800 --> 00:01:15,800
Last month you gave up
a job at the Co-op
28
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,040
because you thought you saw
an alien in the meat aisle.
29
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,320
It were an alien! According to
the manager, it was a lollipop man.
30
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:24,480
That's what they want you to think.
They're moving amongst us.
31
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,600
I loved that job at the Co-op.
At the end of the day
32
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,920
you could take home
all the cheese they hadn't sold.
33
00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:32,160
As you're aware, Mandy, that wasn't
actually the policy of the store.
34
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,480
So they're still waiting
for you to reimburse them
35
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,920
for the £79 worth of Edam.
36
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,200
Before that,
you left a job in telesales
37
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,200
because of the "pressures
of the commute".
38
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,080
It were gruelling, all that travel!
Mandy, you were working from home.
39
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,200
I had to get downstairs, didn't I?
40
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,640
There's only so many jobs
you can leave for weird reasons
41
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,680
before I'm forced to conclude
that you just don't like working,
42
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,240
and I'll have to stop your benefits.
43
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:55,400
Look, you've got a chance
to prove me wrong.
44
00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,880
This has just come in.
45
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,080
A job at Brampton Hall,
the stately home.
46
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:06,680
Mandy. What? It's a job
at Brampton Hall, the stately home.
47
00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,160
Brampton Hall, that's miles away.
I'll never...
48
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:16,040
Is it working in the gift shop?
I'd like to work in a gift shop.
49
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,760
All those key rings and fridge
magnets. Small bags of fudge.
50
00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:22,880
Rubbers. They will explain it
to you when you get there!
51
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:24,160
I know them a bit,
52
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,360
so I let them know that
you're going to start tomorrow.
53
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,720
But, look, Mandy, I really
don't want to see you back here
54
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:30,840
in a couple of days' time
with another mad excuse
55
00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,720
as to why you had to
give up the job.
56
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,960
Otherwise, I will have to take
official action. Is that understood?
57
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:39,320
Comprende.
58
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,520
Oh! Christ alive!
59
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,720
You're late.
60
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,960
You just have time to get into
your costume. Costume?
61
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:14,080
It is 1887, and I'm the scullery
maid here at Brampton Hall.
62
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,440
My jobs include lighting
the fires in the morning
63
00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,440
and polishing the horse brasses.
64
00:03:19,440 --> 00:03:22,760
Please come with me now as I guide
you through an ordinary day
65
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,240
here at Brampton Hall.
66
00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,960
Excuse me.
Are these beams original?
67
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:36,160
Beans? Beams. The beams.
68
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:38,920
Oh, is that what they're called?
I just thought they were big logs.
69
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,840
What was your question?
Don't worry about it.
70
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,120
Right, if you'd like to follow me.
Through there's another old room.
71
00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:51,400
And this is the dining room.
I have to light the fire here
72
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,360
at 5:30 every morning to make
sure it's warm for my master.
73
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:59,280
Erm, hello. Who's the portrait of?
74
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,200
Erm, that is the Duke of...
75
00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,240
..Dagenham.
76
00:04:05,240 --> 00:04:07,600
Who's the Duke of Dagen..?
If you'd like to follow me.
77
00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:10,400
Erm, excuse me. Oh, what now?!
78
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,960
I was just wondering what period
the furniture in the house
79
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,800
dates back from - is it Regency?
80
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:19,640
Because, I mean, the fireplace
is clearly earlier...
81
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,400
Look, the fireplace is from 1398.
82
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:25,320
The curtains are from 1864,
and the ornaments are from 1972.
83
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:26,760
That can't be right...
84
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,840
This is the room where
John the Baptist was killed.
85
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,200
Ooh.
86
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,680
And the Krays hid
in this closet here.
87
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:36,320
Can you tell us
anything more about the Krays?
88
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:41,000
Yeah. Yeah.
89
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:44,280
Erm, Ronnie and Reggie Kray
used to love coming here,
90
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:47,240
until they were sadly killed
one night in the drawing room
91
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:51,160
for stealing an ashtray that
belonged to Michael Heseltine.
92
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,920
Is it haunted? Haunted?
93
00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:55,240
I shit myself most days
with the stuff I see.
94
00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,400
Like what? See him?
95
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,400
He follows me around.
What does he want? Fuck knows.
96
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,640
Probably wants to get me
out of his house.
97
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,280
Can you tell us anything else?
98
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:07,840
Er, might do.
99
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,280
What's it worth?
100
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:14,960
Yeah. Erm, some days
I see orbs floating about.
101
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,840
And when I see these,
I know shit's about to go down.
102
00:05:17,840 --> 00:05:19,000
Really? Yeah.
103
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,160
I get dragged out of the scullery
by my ankles, screaming.
104
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,000
Then why do you carry on working
here? Just love it here, you know.
105
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,840
Love history and stuff.
106
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,040
Do you want to go through?
107
00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,200
Oh! Fuck me,
where'd you come from?
108
00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:47,600
Ms Carter, here at Brampton Hall,
109
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:52,600
we expect a certain level
of professionalism from our guides.
110
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,280
Oh yeah, I'm really sorry.
I'll be on time tomorrow.
111
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,760
I'm afraid you won't
be back tomorrow.
112
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:03,080
I understand you've been
soliciting tips by making up
113
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,040
stories about the Krays. No.
114
00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:07,120
I don't know who told you that.
115
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,160
Oh, please don't send me
back to the Jobcentre.
116
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:15,800
This is the best job I've ever had!
I'll give you one last chance.
117
00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:19,320
But perhaps you would like
to show your commitment
118
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,080
by doing some overtime this evening.
119
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,800
Yeah. Yeah, what is it?
120
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,720
What, like a late-night tour
or something?
121
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:29,280
We host a variety of events
here at the hall.
122
00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:33,360
One of them
is a book launch this evening.
123
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:36,240
We need someone
to hand around the nibbles.
124
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,320
Nibbles? Yes, please!
125
00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:41,480
Prosecco o'clock!
126
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,360
Hiya, Lola.
127
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,800
You couldn't pick me up tonight
from Brampton Hall at nine o'clock,
128
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,720
could you? I've got to do overtime.
129
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,880
But of course, Mandy! What are
friends for? Oh, thanks, Lola.
130
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,440
I don't know what I'd do
without you.
131
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,200
Because we are such good friends,
132
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,720
Mandy, I will only charge you
the same as UberCool.
133
00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,080
Plus 50%.
134
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,800
But you can sit in the front.
135
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,600
Thanks, Lola. See you later.
136
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,600
A woman comes.
137
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,720
She travels slowly.
138
00:07:28,720 --> 00:07:31,480
She carries nibbles.
139
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,920
And other snacks.
140
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:36,880
She brings confusion.
141
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,480
And death!
142
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,360
Must be down here.
143
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:12,800
Do you want a vol-au-vent? No!
144
00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:20,680
Vol-au-vent? No.
145
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:26,800
Do you want one?
146
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:32,200
Got vegetarian options. That one's
beef. That one's salmon... Shhh!
147
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,120
All right, please yourself!
148
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,360
Nibbles? Oh. What've you got?
149
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:41,240
Er, that one's beef, that one's
salmon, and that one's mushroom.
150
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,240
Nah. You haven't got
any crisps, have you?
151
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:45,800
I've got some cheesy footballs in
my boot, if you want some of those.
152
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,640
Oh yeah, lovely. Yeah.
153
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,520
What is going on?!
154
00:08:52,520 --> 00:08:55,280
You! Who are you?
155
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,000
Mandy Carter.
156
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,200
Been hired to do the nibbles.
157
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:00,480
Oh.
158
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,640
Well, please do so and leave.
159
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,600
Now, can we please concentrate?
160
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,400
Who's eating?
161
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:34,360
Oh, my God. Someone is eating!
162
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,960
Who is that?
163
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,720
Stop it.
164
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,440
Oh, Geez Louise! I thought
I told you to leave!
165
00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,400
I'm here till nine o'clock.
How did you get here?
166
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,320
Not sure, actually.
167
00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,640
Wait...
168
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:09,320
Book of Revelations,
Chapter 2, Verse 16.
169
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:12,280
"And lo, the devil's messenger
will tread forth
170
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:14,680
"bearing plates of temptation."
171
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,400
YOU are the chosen one!
172
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,000
We have waited many years
for your arrival.
173
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,600
I was here bang on seven!
174
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,720
Behold! The chosen one!
175
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:28,520
Behold, the chosen one!
176
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,880
Now...
177
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:38,160
..prepare for sacrifice!
178
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,160
Fuck me!
179
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:45,960
For a thousand years, we have
waited for a suitable sacrifice.
180
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,960
The victim must come
of their own free will.
181
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:54,800
They must be empty of head
and they must be of virgin blood.
182
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,080
We're actually going to overlook
that last one,
183
00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:00,120
because it's been a total
nightmare finding someone
184
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,080
who ticks all the boxes.
185
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:07,200
But, at last,
a victim has come to us.
186
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,880
I think you might have mistaken me
for somebody else!
187
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,280
Oh, God!
188
00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:32,080
Oh!
189
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,920
Lola! Thank God!
190
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:38,960
What the devil is going on in here?
191
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:41,000
You should all be
ashamed of yourselves.
192
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,360
Do you know what time it is?
193
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,040
Playing silly games
when you should be at home!
194
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,000
You! What are you playing at?
195
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,600
My... My badminton got cancelled.
So I had a free evening...
196
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:53,600
So you come here, terrorising women?
You make me sick!
197
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:55,120
Get out of here!
198
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,760
Hnnn!
199
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,160
You! Where do you
think you're going?
200
00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:01,280
Er, I've got a stock-take
in t'morning.
201
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,040
I should probably push off, too.
I've got an Ocado delivery.
202
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:07,400
It's cheaper if you
get it delivered after nine.
203
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,840
What in God's name...?
204
00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:12,120
Put on some clothes,
you dirty beasts!
205
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,480
I suppose you're the ringleader?
206
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,680
Johnny Big Bollocks.
207
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,360
I have had only one
mission in this life.
208
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:24,040
To worship Satan, and summon him
to our earthly plane!
209
00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,520
This was my last chance.
There's nothing for me here now.
210
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,840
I seek to join my beloved Satan
211
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,160
in the heat of the underworld!
212
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,400
Arrrghhhh...
213
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,400
Oh, no, don't do...
214
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,920
Fake! Where did you get this?
215
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:41,760
Amazon? No, actually.
216
00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,680
I like to support independent
retailers. Hnn! Come on.
217
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,120
Let's get out of here.
218
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,600
Actually... No point these
going to waste, is there?
219
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:01,000
So close!
220
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,080
So, Mandy, back again?
What happened this time?
221
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,680
You are not going to believe this.
I had to get out of Brampton Hall.
222
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:15,920
They were all devil worshippers!
Into human sacrifice.
223
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,920
They had me tied to an altar!
224
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,840
I'm thinking of going to the local
papers about it, actually. Mandy...
225
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:22,480
Mandy, just let me stop you there.
226
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,160
Erm...your stories get more and more
ridiculous. But this new one.
227
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,840
Devil worshippers?
228
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,480
Listen, if you tell anyone
about this, they'll assume
229
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,080
that you're just making this up
to get out of the job, OK?
230
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,480
So promise me you'll never,
ever mention this again.
231
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,720
We'll just say that the hours
weren't right for you
232
00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:40,560
or something, OK? All right.
Right. Well, er, look.
233
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,680
Why don't you just come back
next week and we'll try
234
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,400
and find you something else?
235
00:13:44,400 --> 00:13:46,800
But, please, no more
of these crazy stories,
236
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,360
or I'm going to have to stop
your benefits. All right!
237
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,160
Hi, Dean.
18581
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