Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy! ♪

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Back again, Mandy? Yeah.

Why did you leave the job at the frozen-fish factory?

One of the other women who worked there looked like Rose West.

Gave me the right shivers. Was it Rose West? No.

They said her name was Margaret Dodd.

But she really looked like Rose West.

She had the glasses and everything.

Could have been a professional Lookie-likie, you know,

open supermarkets and that. Open supermarkets? As Rose West?

I'm not convinced it weren't Rose West.

Every time I saw her it gave me a shock. It were doing me nerves in.

First time I saw her, I was rooted to the spot

and held on to a breaded cod so long it froze to me hand.

They joked that I had fish fingers, but...

..I didn't think that were very funny.

Not when you think what she's meant to have done. Yeah.

Well, look, it wouldn't be the first time you've left a job

for unusual reasons, would it? I don't know what you mean.

Last month you gave up a job at the Co-op

because you thought you saw an alien in the meat aisle.

It were an alien! According to the manager, it was a lollipop man.

That's what they want you to think. They're moving amongst us.

I loved that job at the Co-op. At the end of the day

you could take home all the cheese they hadn't sold.

As you're aware, Mandy, that wasn't actually the policy of the store.

So they're still waiting for you to reimburse them

for the £79 worth of Edam.

Before that, you left a job in telesales

because of the "pressures of the commute".

It were gruelling, all that travel! Mandy, you were working from home.

I had to get downstairs, didn't I?

There's only so many jobs you can leave for weird reasons

before I'm forced to conclude that you just don't like working,

and I'll have to stop your benefits.

Look, you've got a chance to prove me wrong.

This has just come in.

A job at Brampton Hall, the stately home.

Mandy. What? It's a job at Brampton Hall, the stately home.

Brampton Hall, that's miles away. I'll never...

Is it working in the gift shop? I'd like to work in a gift shop.

All those key rings and fridge magnets. Small bags of fudge.

Rubbers. They will explain it to you when you get there!

I know them a bit,

so I let them know that you're going to start tomorrow.

But, look, Mandy, I really don't want to see you back here

in a couple of days' time with another mad excuse

as to why you had to give up the job.

Otherwise, I will have to take official action. Is that understood?

Comprende.

Oh! Christ alive!

You're late.

You just have time to get into your costume. Costume?

It is 1887, and I'm the scullery maid here at Brampton Hall.

My jobs include lighting the fires in the morning

and polishing the horse brasses.

Please come with me now as I guide you through an ordinary day

here at Brampton Hall.

Excuse me. Are these beams original?

Beans? Beams. The beams.

Oh, is that what they're called? I just thought they were big logs.

What was your question? Don't worry about it.

Right, if you'd like to follow me. Through there's another old room.

And this is the dining room. I have to light the fire here

at 5:30 every morning to make sure it's warm for my master.

Erm, hello. Who's the portrait of?

Erm, that is the Duke of...

..Dagenham.

Who's the Duke of Dagen..? If you'd like to follow me.

Erm, excuse me. Oh, what now?!

I was just wondering what period the furniture in the house

dates back from - is it Regency?

Because, I mean, the fireplace is clearly earlier...

Look, the fireplace is from 1398.

The curtains are from 1864, and the ornaments are from 1972.

That can't be right...

This is the room where John the Baptist was killed.

Ooh.

And the Krays hid in this closet here.

Can you tell us anything more about the Krays?

Yeah. Yeah.

Erm, Ronnie and Reggie Kray used to love coming here,

until they were sadly killed one night in the drawing room

for stealing an ashtray that belonged to Michael Heseltine.

Is it haunted? Haunted?

I shit myself most days with the stuff I see.

Like what? See him?

He follows me around. What does he want? Fuck knows.

Probably wants to get me out of his house.

Can you tell us anything else?

Er, might do.

What's it worth?

Yeah. Erm, some days I see orbs floating about.

And when I see these, I know shit's about to go down.

Really? Yeah.

I get dragged out of the scullery by my ankles, screaming.

Then why do you carry on working here? Just love it here, you know.

Love history and stuff.

Do you want to go through?

Oh! Fuck me, where'd you come from?

Ms Carter, here at Brampton Hall,

we expect a certain level of professionalism from our guides.

Oh yeah, I'm really sorry. I'll be on time tomorrow.

I'm afraid you won't be back tomorrow.

I understand you've been soliciting tips by making up

stories about the Krays. No.

I don't know who told you that.

Oh, please don't send me back to the Jobcentre.

This is the best job I've ever had! I'll give you one last chance.

But perhaps you would like to show your commitment

by doing some overtime this evening.

Yeah. Yeah, what is it?

What, like a late-night tour or something?

We host a variety of events here at the hall.

One of them is a book launch this evening.

We need someone to hand around the nibbles.

Nibbles? Yes, please!

Prosecco o'clock!

Hiya, Lola.

You couldn't pick me up tonight from Brampton Hall at nine o'clock,

could you? I've got to do overtime.

But of course, Mandy! What are friends for? Oh, thanks, Lola.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Because we are such good friends,

Mandy, I will only charge you the same as UberCool.

Plus 50%.

But you can sit in the front.

Thanks, Lola. See you later.

A woman comes.

She travels slowly.

She carries nibbles.

And other snacks.

She brings confusion.

And death!

Must be down here.

Do you want a vol-au-vent? No!

Vol-au-vent? No.

Do you want one?

Got vegetarian options. That one's beef. That one's salmon... Shhh!

All right, please yourself!

Nibbles? Oh. What've you got?

Er, that one's beef, that one's salmon, and that one's mushroom.

Nah. You haven't got any crisps, have you?

I've got some cheesy footballs in my boot, if you want some of those.

Oh yeah, lovely. Yeah.

What is going on?!

You! Who are you?

Mandy Carter.

Been hired to do the nibbles.

Oh.

Well, please do so and leave.

Now, can we please concentrate?

Who's eating?

Oh, my God. Someone is eating!

Who is that?

Stop it.

Oh, Geez Louise! I thought I told you to leave!

I'm here till nine o'clock. How did you get here?

Not sure, actually.

Wait...

Book of Revelations, Chapter 2, Verse 16.

"And lo, the devil's messenger will tread forth

"bearing plates of temptation."

YOU are the chosen one!

We have waited many years for your arrival.

I was here bang on seven!

Behold! The chosen one!

Behold, the chosen one!

Now...

..prepare for sacrifice!

Fuck me!

For a thousand years, we have waited for a suitable sacrifice.

The victim must come of their own free will.

They must be empty of head and they must be of virgin blood.

We're actually going to overlook that last one,

because it's been a total nightmare finding someone

who ticks all the boxes.

But, at last, a victim has come to us.

I think you might have mistaken me for somebody else!

Oh, God!

Oh!

Lola! Thank God!

What the devil is going on in here?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Do you know what time it is?

Playing silly games when you should be at home!

You! What are you playing at?

My... My badminton got cancelled. So I had a free evening...

So you come here, terrorising women? You make me sick!

Get out of here!

Hnnn!

You! Where do you think you're going?

Er, I've got a stock-take in t'morning.

I should probably push off, too. I've got an Ocado delivery.

It's cheaper if you get it delivered after nine.

What in God's name...?

Put on some clothes, you dirty beasts!

I suppose you're the ringleader?

Johnny Big Bollocks.

I have had only one mission in this life.

To worship Satan, and summon him to our earthly plane!

This was my last chance. There's nothing for me here now.

I seek to join my beloved Satan

in the heat of the underworld!

Arrrghhhh...

Oh, no, don't do...

Fake! Where did you get this?

Amazon? No, actually.

I like to support independent retailers. Hnn! Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Actually... No point these going to waste, is there?

So close!

So, Mandy, back again? What happened this time?

You are not going to believe this. I had to get out of Brampton Hall.

They were all devil worshippers! Into human sacrifice.

They had me tied to an altar!

I'm thinking of going to the local papers about it, actually. Mandy...

Mandy, just let me stop you there.

Erm...your stories get more and more ridiculous. But this new one.

Devil worshippers?

Listen, if you tell anyone about this, they'll assume

that you're just making this up to get out of the job, OK?

So promise me you'll never, ever mention this again.

We'll just say that the hours weren't right for you

or something, OK? All right. Right. Well, er, look.

Why don't you just come back next week and we'll try

and find you something else?

But, please, no more of these crazy stories,

or I'm going to have to stop your benefits. All right!

Hi, Dean.