Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

And that's why they should be shot.

Controversial stuff from Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.

Right, now, I think we've got a first-time caller on line one.

Who's there? Caller, you're live on the radio.

Iain? Yes.

Hello? Iain? Yes, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

Yes. Is that Iain? It is Iain. Who's that?

Can I just say, I thought you were great in the jungle.

Thank you very much. That's very kind.

What's your name, please, caller? It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.

Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you. Whereabouts are you calling from?

Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.

Right, OK. You're in a coffin, being buried.

I've got to say, these wind-up calls really need to improve a little bit.

No, Iain, I wouldn't mind you up. You sure you're in a coffin?

Yeah. Listen. KNOCKING

Can you hear that? It sounds like you're in a coffin.

What on Earth are you doing there? Do you need help? What can I...?

Oh, no, ta, Iain. Getting out would more trouble than it's worth.

Why don't you tell me what's happened?

Well, it all started two days ago

when an old friend wanted to discuss a job with me in the Red Cow.

Mandy.

Donna.

I've got a job, big one, and I'm a player short.

I've told you, I'm retired. The last one was too close.

I'm putting together the finest line-up

since the Great Railway Robbery.

Railway...? They got caught! It's all reliable people.

Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.

If there's a way into a bank vault, she'll crack it.

Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.

And she's got a Volvo.

Wendy Typhoid. The fixer. There ain't nothing she don't know.

Isn't she the one who went on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

and got stuck at £300?

She comes highly recommended.

What do you want me for?

Surveillance.

Someone to be our eyes and our ears.

I told you, I'm retired.

MOCKING: "I told you, I'm retired."

Especially after what happened on the last job.

ALARM RINGS Hello? You still there?

Donna? Donna!

You shouldn't have put weight on, Mandy. I couldn't help it.

There was Japanese Kit Kats in some of those deposit boxes.

THUMP! I need this!

I've been planning this for too long.

This thing has got to run like a Swiss clock.

Now, are you going to do the job? Yes or no?

No. Yes!

Fuck off, wanker, you're doing it.

Is that from a film?

Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.

Have I done something to upset you, Mandy?

What? Have I done something to upset you?

No, no, course not, Donna.

You're doing the job.

That's the end of it.

Now get me a taxi!

She wanted you to do a robbery? That's right, Iain.

And you said no? Actually, I said yeah,

but I wasn't really part of the robbery, I was only lookout.

I had to break into an undertaker's

so I could monitor the guards in the bank next door.

SHE KNOCKS ON WALL

Who do you think runs this country?

Government. No.

Well, yes, but also the lizard people. Lizard?

No, not lizards. Like, lizard people.

I mean, these are like hybrids of lizards and people.

Like, we know what lizards are. Lizards are just lizards.

These are like lizard people, people that have...

..lizard-y traits.

I've not really... I've not really read too much about it.

It's mainly my own thinking.

This is Broadsword. Come in, Donna Ball.

DONNA: Don't use my real name over the air, Broadsword.

Shit, sorry, Donna. Are you in position?

Yeah. I'll give you a shout if they move.

Good girl. Danny Boy out.

GUARD: Then there's the Queen, of course. She's another one.

Lizard? Yeah.

A lizard, and like a really high up lizard as well.

You know, she had Diana killed.

MUSIC: Sway by Dean Martin

♪ When marimba rhythms start to play

♪ Dance with me Make me sway

♪ Like a lazy ocean Hugs the shore

♪ Hold me close Sway me more

♪ Like a flower bending in the breeze

♪ Bend with me Sway with ease

♪ When we dance You have a way with me

♪ Stay with me Sway with me

♪ Other dancers may be on the floor

♪ Dear, but my eyes will see only you

♪ Only you have a magic technique

♪ When we sway I go weak

♪ I can hear the sound of violins

♪ Long before it begins

♪ Make me thrill as only you know how

♪ Sway me smooth Sway me now... ♪

They're trying to keep it from people like you,

the little people, the sheeple.

Well, I suppose we'd better have another once around the vault.

SHE SNORES

DONNA, OVER RADIO: Broadsword? Broadsword, there's movement.

What is going on?

GUARD, MUFFLED: Hang about. What's going on here?

Broadsword, what is going on?

Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy! ALARM BLARES

We've been had! Run, run!

For fuck's sake! Mandy!

You fell asleep in the coffin?

Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints of Advocaat, of course I did.

Right. So when did you wake up?

Er, well, I woke up this morning.

God, she's barely recognisable.

Yeah, well, the illness really took its toll.

What's she wearing a tool belt for?

Oh, God, she looks terrible.

Oh, God.

RATTLING

MUSIC: Crime Of The Century by Supertramp

PHONE BEEPS

One, two, three, hup! CREAKING

THUD

PHONE BEEPS

Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin. What do I do?

PHONE BEEPS SIRI: I found this on the web.

Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you so much if you've left a comment,

you've liked or subscribed to my channel.

Today we're going to be talking about what to do

if you're trapped in a coffin.

Help!

I'm trapped in a coffin!

Now, first of all, it's really important you don't panic.

Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!

You've got about enough oxygen to last about 90 minutes.

TICKING, HE SCREAMS

But if you panic, you're going to use it up too quickly.

CHURCH BELLS RESONATE

To slow down your breathing, try meditation.

Oo-mm!

Or imagine you're somewhere peaceful, like a tropical beach.

RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

Or basically just anywhere else that isn't a coffin.

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE LAUGHS

SHE LAUGHS

Stupid little shit.

SHE LAUGHS It's only a cucumber!

SHE LAUGHS

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.

Hi, Mandy. It's Dani from Fitness First.

Is now a good time to talk? Er, yeah. Why not?

Great! Well, just to let you know,

our special offer of signing up without paying the joining fee

is still on. So just so you don't miss out, can we sign you up today?

Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.

Right, what is it that's making you have reservations?

Oh, no. It's a really good offer and that.

It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin at the moment.

Hello? Oh, sorry.

For a second I thought you said you were stuck in a coffin.

No, I am. I'm having a really bad day, actually.

OK. Well, should we try you later, after you've had a little think?

Yeah, yeah. All right. All right. Bye.

MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century

PHONE RINGS

Oh, look, if it's Fitness First, it's definitely a no.

Fitness fucking First?!

I'm going to fucking kill you, you bellend.

Oh, hiya, Donna.

I'm going to bury you alive.

Funny you should say that.

I'm in the nick and I get to make one fucking phone call

and I'm using it to tell you

that I'm going to squash your fucking skull like a watermelon,

you cunt!

Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry about falling asleep on the job,

but I'm stuck in a coffin at the moment.

Don't give me excuses, you fuck.

Um, I'm going into a tunnel.

SHE IMITATES STATIC

Ah... Be... Oh... I...

MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century

PHONE VIBRATES

Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy. How are you, my darling?

Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.

Listen, sorry to be a bother,

but I don't think I'm going to make my appointment this afternoon.

OK, my darling. Are you still on for next week?

No, I don't think I'm going to make that one either.

Look, I've got to go. OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.

You've been a good friend to me.

I'm still going to have to charge you the cancellation fee.

All right. Fair enough. All the best.

MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century

"I am the resurrection and the love," sayeth the Lord.

"He that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live."

MANDY COUGHS And whosoever...

"And whosoever liveth..." COUGHING CONTINUES

"..and believeth in me shall never die."

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

MUSIC RESUMES: Crime Of The Century

MUSIC STOPS

And that's how I got here and I thought, "I'll call Iain Lee."

I've never called a radio station before.

Ticked something off the bucket list. Hey,

don't speak like that, Mandy. It's not too late.

We can still send help. OK?

No, you're all right, Iain.

Thing is, if I get out of the coffin, I'll only go to prison

and Donna Ball said she'd burst my head like a fucking watermelon.

Yeah. No-no bad language, please. Watch-watch your language.

Oh, shit. Sorry, Iain. No, I'd rather just go on my own terms.

Oh, Mandy. That's so sad. It's for the best.

Right. Well, I suppose if we can learn anything from this,

it's that crime simply doesn't pay.

Well, this one certainly didn't. SHE LAUGHS

Mandy. How can I help you in your final moments?

What can I do for you?

If you could just play something peaceful and uplifting,

that'd be nice. OK.

Well, it's not really a music radio station,

but let me have a little look, see what we've got on the system.

Thanks, Iain.

Ooh! We've got this. This is perfect.

Mandy, this is for you,

from me.

PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYS, SHE SIGHS

Bye, Iain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.

Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.

I'm going to stay with you right until the very end.

I'm slipping, Iain. I know you're slipping.

Are you still there? I'm still here.

Is that still you, Iain? Oh, it's still me. Yeah.

Still you? I won't go, Mandy. I promise.

I'm going now, Iain. OK, go easy.

Oh, I'm still here. OK.

Gosh, this slip is, er... It's a very slow one, isn't it?

And... Bye, Iain. ..you're still there.

And...

..I think Mandy's gone.

OK, well, we're coming up to the... Iain!

There's a drill down here, I forgot!

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today Oh, Mandy. ♪