Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

So, what kind of work are you interested in?

I like mindless tasks. You know, something I can do with my hands.

OK, let's have a little look.

Don't touch that, please.

Oh, here's a bit of luck. There's a position here packing fruit

at a food distribution factory. Oh, no. That doesn't sound like me.

It's either that or you'll have to attend an adult training course

to improve your interview technique. That doesn't sound like me either.

Well, you've got to do one of them or I'll have to dock your benefits.

Fruit factory or adult training course? It's up to you.

It's like Sophie's Choice, in't it?

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

Please watch the video.

Welcome to your new job at Gone Bananas,

the banana processing and distribution centre!

Please pay attention to this short health and safety presentation.

Processing and distributing up to 20,000 bananas a day,

we are proud to have the sixth highest volume

of any banana processing and distribution centre in the UK

and North Europe region.

And all this with the third best health and safety record.

Let's keep it that way.

This is Mick. Mick was brought on board to replace Jill,

who was sadly killed in a banana processing

and distribution incident.

Don't let what happened to Jill happen to Mick

or to you.

These are laminates.

It is particularly important you familiarise yourselves

with this one.

This is a deadly spider from north Africa.

If you see it, you must smash it with your hammer.

And remember the Gone Bananas code.

One to stun, two to kill,

three to make sure.

DRAMATIC JINGLE PLAYS

Did you watch the video? Yeah, yeah. That were dead informative, that.

Thanks for that. Great. I will see you on Monday, then.

All right.

Have you been smoking?

No.

No, it were like this when I come in.

Minty Peak?

Actually, have you got something all grown-up and executive?

You know, something that says conference call?

No Minty Peak? I've got a new job.

Oh, that is wonderful news, Mandy.

What is it? At the banana factory.

I'm an arachnid control operative. What is that?

Spiders, Lol! They come in on the bananas.

It's my job to smash 'em. It's a very important role.

Why don't they smash them at their end?

I don't know, but I'm quids in here.

I am so happy for you, Mandy.

Can I ask you something?

How exactly do you kill the arachnids?

♪ Day-o... ♪

One to stun, two to kill, three to make sure.

♪ Daylight come and me... ♪

One to stun, two to kill, three to make sure.

♪ Work all night and drink a rum

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Stack banana till the morning come

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Come mister tally man, tally me banana

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Come mister tally man, tally me banana

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Day

♪ Me say day-o

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Day

♪ Me say day, me say day, me say day

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ A beautiful bunch of ripe banana

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Hide the deadly black tarantula

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch

♪ Daylight come and me wanna... ♪

These are for you. Bananas?

You get to take the black ones home. Oh, great. Ta.

♪ Day

♪ Me say day-o

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home

♪ Day-o

♪ Day-o

♪ Daylight come

♪ And me wanna go home. ♪

Something terrible has happened.

I bloody loved that job, Lola.

I were good at it, too.

Shh. Dear, dear, never mind.

It weren't my fault, though. They're really fast, some of these spiders.

What is the latest death toll?

17.

It's not all bad news, though.

I've got a phone interview in the morning.

I might not mention the 17 dead.

What makes you think you're the right person

to join Chicken Bungalow? I like fried chicken.

I have it most nights.

I like other people who eat fried chicken, so I assume we'd get on,

and I always wash my hands, not just when I've done a number two.

Where do you see yourself in five years?

Well, if I'm not breeding Dobermann Pinschers,

hopefully I'll be working for you just frying chicken.

What are your strengths?

I'm not a grass.

I might be some things but I'm not a grass.

Oh, and I can swallow a tangerine whole.

TOILET FLUSHES

When can you let me know by?

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

Cheers for taking a chance on me.

Well, to be honest, you were the only applicant. Oh, fantastic.

I won't let you down.

Is it all right if I go on my break now? I'm gasping for a fag.

Yeah, all right.

Just make sure you're not seen smoking in your uniform.

It's not the healthy image we want to portray.

Yeah.

FAN WHIRS

FAN CHUGS

Shit.

Oh, fuckin' hell.

Cheers. Thanks.

One second.

We've just got a...

..new person.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuckin' shit.

FAN CHUGS Jesus.

SHE BLOWS

SHE COUGHS

Help!

Oh, this is fucking typical.

There you go.

Thanks.

ALARM BLARES

One second.

Have you been smoking?

No, it were like this when I come in.

What time do you want me tomorrow?

Back again, I see.

Now, Mandy, I've had some feedback from your recent employers

and it would be helpful and constructive for you to hear

what they had to say. Oh, no, I'm all right, thanks.

Mark from Chicken Bungalow said,

"She burned down my chicken restaurant."

And the banana people said thanks to your negligence,

17 lives were lost.

I knew they'd dredge that up.

And all of them said they thought you could do with some work

on your interview skills so I'm afraid I am going to insist

that you go on the adult training course. Fuckin' hell!

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

Right, who's next?

Come on, then.

OK, if you could just stand there on your mark, please.

How tall are you?

No idea.

Somewhere between Dudley Moore and Richard Osmond.

Right. OK. Just read this for us, please, in your own time.

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Job-seeker... ♪

A couple of things to discuss, Mandy. Fuckin' ell. What now?

First of all, you didn't attend the adult training course as agreed.

I did. I definitely went there.

Well, you didn't sign the register. Didn't I? No.

It's so long ago now. It was last Wednesday. You can't expect me to

remember everything that's ever happened. Jesus!

Secondly, have you been doing any paid work over the last two weeks?

No. Because it's come to my attention, Mandy,

that you've actually been working. I haven't.

You haven't appeared in a commercial for a payday loans company?

Who's told you that?

Mandy, your face is everywhere.

She just looks like me. What about her? Does she look like you?

What about this?

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willing to bail you out again?

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I'm a cash maggot. He is. I am. She is.

I am. She is. I am. They are.

He definitely is.

ALL: Thanks, Cash Maggot!

Representative APR 91%.

Your home may be at risk if you do not keep up repayments.

The fact that you're mouthing the words suggests that it's you.

So how much did you get paid? Nothing.

Yet.

How much will you be getting?

It were only a day. I mean... How much?

30 grand.

Sorry, what was that? £30,000.

Mandy, we take benefit fraud very seriously here.

OK? There's a strict procedure for this. I have to refer it

to my line manager. She'll have to refer it to legal.

They'll open a full investigation, work out...

♪ Day-o

♪ Da-a-ay-o

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home...

You've got 30 days to appeal it.

♪ Me say day, me say day, me say day

♪ Me say day, me say day-o... ♪

..a custodial sentence.

♪ Job-seeker

♪ Bo! ♪