Original subtitles

EGG! EGG! A HARDBOILED STORY

As usual, I stood staring at Father without his noticing me.

Good morning.

Good morning, Father.

What?

-Good morning, Father. -What?

Good morning, Father!

You're a bloody fool. I can't hear a word you're saying. Sit down.

...and then we'll be together

For ever together...

No...

Someone's there.

Excuse me, may I come in?

-What kind of goose are you? -Good morning.

I apologise for disturbing you.

I've been out strolling for many years. And I happen across this stately home.

I peek in through the window, and what do I see

but liver pâté and ham and steaming hot coffee, and cheese...

Are you hungry?

Very, very hungry. Damn hungry. I've not eaten since yesterday morning.

May I have a...?

Do you know who I am?

Baron... Count something.

The Grand Duke of Dalarna!

No, you bloody oik. I am that man's son.

That man, I see. Listen, I wouldn't be able to...?

Let me introduce my wife.

Greet the ruffian.

Enchanté.

And that thing there is my son.

Come, let me show you around.

This is the oval room.

It was renovated in 1813.

Follow me. Out of the way.

At number four, it's still the Frittes. But not with "Your hand in mine"...

This room is from the 17th century. Real leather wallpaper.

Look at the ceiling.

That's Queen Tomyris with the decapitated head of the Persian king Cyrus.

Leave Kusse-Murre's milk alone!

Come up here and I'll show you something. Bloody vagrant.

Come over to this side. Step onto that.

Everything you see on that side belongs to me.

Because I've earned it.

But that's not important. It's just a hobby of mine.

A hobby? I understand.

If you come over to the other side, I'll show you something else.

This is my life, my life's work. Can you believe it?

I see.

Look. Look at this.

See that house there?

I was born there. Raised in a simple home, you see.

Attended to by almost honest parents.

My father was a hard man. A very hard man.

That small house was his chemical factory, inherited from his father.

He made a fortune there during World War One selling munitions grease.

It was his own blend. Ten times better than Armol B.

He once struck me on the neck with a steel ruler, but I loved him.

Can you believe it?

Follow me.

You seem so meek and innocent compared to me.

Give me the sandwich.

Don't touch me, you hobo.

-A rather nice house, don't you think? -Yes.

I bought it for money that I earned myself.

It's a fine and noble pad, you could say.

Everything. All of this.

This was my father's grand idea.

He discovered the potential of these.

Excuse me, let me... Leave that alone!

If you'd like to follow me, I'll tell you. No, no, leave it alone.

My father discovered how to mix eggs and chemicals to make Ovolite.

Ovolite?

He passed the secret recipe onto me before he killed himself.

-Did Grandpa kill himself? -He sure did.

The idiots sent him to prison for a trifling matter.

He was in the right, they were in the wrong.

But he was too proud. A hard man. He killed himself with a stool.

They say it's impossible, but he did it, nonetheless.

He was a hard man. A real...

What in the hell are you doing, man? I deign to tell you my life story

and you steal eggs from me!

Get out!

I have to go into town. The office. Might stay a few days.

He can drive me in.

If a thunder storm starts up, try not to soil yourself.

-Calling chief guard! -Body search!

-Anything to report? -No, Mr Director, sir.

...since your treatment of our representative left much to be desired.

-Yes'? -The American gentleman has arrived.

Send him in at once. Girls, shoo.

NIXITCH FOR WHEN YOU GET THE ITCH!

Good morning, my friends.

Good day to you, too!

Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!

Fools.

What does a healthy bottom feel like?

The hen knows!

Egg - the wonderful basic ingredient of Nixitch.

It's kind to the skin and silky smooth yet so resilient. it's Nixitch!

Modern people don't use their fingers.

Those times are past! Those filthy, unhygienic times.

Thanks to Nixitch, made from genuine Ovolite.

Antiseptic, mildly perfumed...

The hen knows what a healthy bottom feels like!

Nixitch is inserted in a jiffy.

Nixitch is totally harmless and fits everyone!

Especially, perhaps, those of you who like the odd tipple!

How does your bottom feel the day after?

Three sizes: Large, Medium and Small.

-Nixitch! -Ooh, scoobidoo!

Nixitch makes me feel confident!

THE HEN KNOWS!

That will do nicely.

Bloody good year, that.

Fill it up, man.

Engman...

Bed time.

Careful with the horse, you clumsy oaf!

Fetch!

They're saying the air's bad owing to the sulphuric acid leaking in the tank.

He means hydrochloric acid.

Lungs get discoloured and people are getting gum sores.

If a stop isn't put to this, they'll refuse to work with the sulphuric acid.

He means hydrochloric acid.

I know. Sealed tanks from Germany will be installed in a few months.

-But it's now that the sulphuric... -Hydrochloric acid.

Thank you.

You're wrong! It is sulphuric acid!

I think.

Before I sanded down the spikes and painted it yellow, it was a crocodile.

-Shall we dance? -Pardon?

-Shall we dance? -No...

Sorry...

There, as promised.

-May I have this dance? -You damn well can!

-Oi, lout! -Yes?

Shall we race home? What do you say?

Good morning, my friends.

Good day to you, too.

Thank you. That's--

Aren't you lovely, sweetheart.

Sweetie, you're so lovely.

-Good morning. She's groomed and ready. -Thank you.

-Are you the stable manager's daughter? -No, I just do a few extra hours here.

-What do you usually do then? -I'm studying sociology.

-But I like horses. -Don't you like men?

Yes. Humans.

-Hello! -Hello.

There, there...

-We tried talking to your father. -He doesn't care a toss for us.

I'm sorry, but it's Father who decides what's what.

But you could do something if you wanted to.

-You don't care about us either. -On the contrary.

I understand you. It's just that I have no authority...

Listen. Listen. It's partly the hydrochloric acid.

Sulphuric acid.

But we've also started talking about the eggs.

It feels wrong to use eggs for this thingummy.

Eggs are to go in the mouth, not up the arse.

I don't think the hens would agree!

Joking aside, I understand what you mean.

But I'm not able to do anything about what you're talking about.

What would things be like? I support you, it's not that.

But what would things be like if all your wishes came true?

We're not living in the 19th century. It's an industrial society.

You can't get away from that, and even if I'm 100 per cent on your side

things aren't that easy.

It's easy to say that things must be like this or that

but it's a huge leap from that to concrete action...

That's good. Hang on.

Wait a second.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT

-I thought something like this. -Excellent.

Dames sell.

No, not today!

I didn't know it was such a rush, you didn't say.

Go and tell him.

Do it now. It's fair because I didn't know about it.

I'll be as quick as I can but I have to take care of the horses first.

Go and tell him then. Go!

But not on the raked part!

-Where the hell have you been? Well? -I thought...

I don't give a damn about what you thought...

I'm interested in marble statues. Come with me to the Copenhagen art museum.

I don't want to. I'm not interested in statues.

Hello there, you little thing.

Hello.

-Would you get my horse ready too? -I'll go and get him.

She's a pretty one. Very pretty, in fact.

Oh, you scared me! What do you want?

-You shouldn't be angry. Are you? -No, I'm not.

-But please get out now, I'm off home. -Home?

Can you cook food there?

I share a kitchen with some others. But I'm not inviting you for dinner.

-In that case it should be me... -I'll cook for myself, thank you.

Good evening.

Look...

-Say you're not angry. -I am not angry. I promise.

It's for you! You can make dinner with it. Father shot it. It's yours.

Hello.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Is something up? -The dynamo belt's broken.

-Has it grated? -No, it hasn't.

It's just totally dead. It's not firing.

It's this dynamo... belt...

I can tow you, if you like. I've got one of those...

Ropes. A tow rope.

Good.

We can park here.

-Fancy coming in? All I've got is tea. -I could murder a cup of tea.

-Sugar? -No, thanks.

It was lucky that you turned up. Thanks so much for your help.

Damn boring book, this!

"The real interest in hierarchies is not in the status of each profession

but in the value judgements made of categories of profession

such as that of skilled labourer or lower non manual worker."

-Listen... -Yes?

-Remember the art museum thing? -Yes...

Let's go to Copenhagen.

On me.

Okay. I'll just get changed.

Thank you.

-What is that? -It's a smorgasbord menu.

And you do this with it.

You take a toothpick...

Now let's see what we've ordered.

We're starting with ditto with raw aeggeblomme.

Then we're having two krebsehaler with dildmayonnaise.

And then it's ditto with filleted oestranchiovis halvfjers

and raw aeggeblomme.

An Oskar Davidson Creation, some smoerrebroed

with ekstrafint skrabet råt koed...

I'll take anything, as long as I get a raw aeggeblomme.

Let's drink.

-Cheers. -Here's to raw aeggeblomme!

-I like Denmark! Do you like Denmark? -I like Denmark.

I mean, really nice.

You sit by the sea... You sit by the sea,

you have a beer, some bread, and a schnapps.

I have to sit down. I've got a stone in my shoe.

-I'll take that! -What do you want it for?

I eat stones. I'm going to be a statue when I grow up.

I wasn't joking when I invited you along here.

I think it's a fantastic museum, not at all dusty and boring.

It's like a church.

I don't know why, but I feel really moved by these Roman statues.

I came here once with my father when I was little.

They radiate a kind of strength, a raw energy.

It's strange, because I'm not interested in art and stuff like that.

But the faces are compelling. They transport me, somehow.

They probably got this energy from eating stones their whole life too.

Father starts the day with a bowl of concrete and milk, sprinkled with sand.

Degas. A dainty little ballerina.

It's sweet and all, but isn't it a bit silly?

It's not silly.

You see, we've been in Copenhagen for a wedding.

My wife's family's from here.

Her father was page. Delightful, he was.

He has webbed feet too, you know. And we'd love a little room if possible.

-What does it say here? -What does it say? Nixitch.

Mr and Mrs Nixitch from Minnesota, Norway.

It's good. You can have suite number 15.

Swede 15? That's great! We're Swedes 13 and 14!

What a sweet little toilet!

Let the suite little key have a swim.

Wait a moment...

GOODBYE AND THANKS! SEE YOU!

Mother, how can we...

Have you thought of the charitable deeds Father does for humanity?

Soon, there'll be 100 million people scratching their bums with Nixitch.

Come that day, I'll...

...embellish you, Mother.

"Outside, the hens are complaining...

in their wooden coops.

Even though they are on Calvinist land.

The women pace their gloomy kitchens.

Their heavy dresses...

drag them down, like drowning men.

Drowning men."

-Has Father left? -Yes.

Ah, Mother, I have to go back to the factory.

What in the Devil's name is that? Did Father buy you that lampshade?

Hey, listen. Maybe you should wear it a bit further forward.

There.

A little further, I think.

There.

Well? No. Further forward. There.

Sorry.

Forgive me. Forgive me, Mother.

You...

...don't understand.

You don't know what it's like.

I'm becoming the same.

I'm becoming the same.

Mother...

Listen. I have to...

Stop!

It was the cat.

Damn!

Good afternoon.

What miserable weather we've had today.

Like I said, miserable weather.

-Is Father alone in there? -Yes.

Good bye.

...can you guess what the doctor says? No, you can't!

The doctor says:

"The good news

is that the man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"

That was a good one!

Was that you bursting your sides?

Have you heard the one about the Turkish cyclist?

What happened was... Are you there? Hello? Hello?

There, there...

Mummy...

There, there...

There...

You...

I've had threats to my life before, I'll have you know.

Help!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Father!

Help!

Help!

Father! Father!

Help...

I shouted so much that first morning that I ruined my voice.

I don't know, maybe my vocal cords snapped.

Anyway, I couldn't make a sound.

My hands and arms became entwined with tough pondweed

and I couldn't tear myself free.

My feet were stuck in the mud

and the more I kicked, the deeper! sank.

It was a small lake, almost a mere.

It was called Sjöreds Mosse and they used to get peat from it.

The water was warm and clean, but marsh gas rose whenever I moved

and it smelt terrible.

The mere was deep in the forest and was rarely visited.

I was buoyed up by the air in my lungs, standing upright in the water.

Time stopped functioning.

Days and nights came and went like the winds, or the birds on the lake.

But the seconds stood as still as tree trunks.

I wanted nothing more than to sink beneath the surface

and fall asleep in death's sweet embrace.

But as usual, I couldn't make up my mind.

A little frog made me choose life.

It aroused my hunting instinct.

I spent my days procuring carbohydrates, proteins and vitamins.

I seldom had fish, but floating insects and seeds.

And plankton.

I managed to snatch up some pondweed

and chewed it into a ball, and filtered water through it like a whale.

It might seem strange, but I'd feel happy for long stretches.

Calm and happy.

I felt more kinship with the plants than with the animals.

I missed steak and a warm bed, of course

but never my little yellow car, 300 horsepower.

I froze a great deal and feared I might dissolve like a sugar lump.

For my skin softened, grew pale pink and swollen.

It napped up and bits broke off in the current.

But the water was full of life force, and a green slime coated my body

like the legs of a jetty.

Seeds got caught in it and soon my suit was overgrown with algae and weeds.

At first, the skin of my face grew pulpy and waxy.

But after a few days this passed and it hardened.

An eel took a shine to me, and made its home in my clothes.

He became my friend, and defended me against other fish.

I named him Sture, after an uncle of mine.

He wriggles in an eel-like way.

28 days went by before the first people turned up.

Oh, what a charming little lake! I can't wait to have a swim in it.

Oh, how lovely it looks!

Matte...

Jump in! Chicken!

It's lovely. A bit cold, but lovely.

Did you forget your glasses?

Kiara, where are you? Has something happened?

Come on, Matte, let's eat!

We're having such a lovely time, aren't we?

Oh, yes.

I think it's really lovely.

-You've burnt it. -It's nicer burnt.

It was a lovely swim, wasn't it? A bit cold at first, but...

So I was alone once more, with the mosquitoes and the universe.

I now belonged to the lake, like the lilies and the foxes and the elks

and the ducks and the fish and the dragonflies

and the infinite cosmos above them.

The small and the great were as one to me.

There was a kind of justice and balance.

My demands on life descended to the rudimentary.

Good hunting, warm sunshine,

mild rain, peace.

But it was also a cruel world. A mink discovered Sture.

One morning in October, I awoke to a drunk fisherman casting off from the deck.

He didn't notice me, no matter how much I moved my head.

What fish!

What? Bloody hell, another bite!

No!

The days came and went, and nothing much happened.

My coating of slime might have acted like a channel-swimmer's grease

but it got colder and I lived on my energy reserves, like a drug addict.

My body temperature dropped five, ten degrees below normal

and I went into hibernation, like a hedgehog or a bear.

My pulse got slower and slower.

I faded away in a dreamless sleep in my watery hibernation.

I was woken by the booming and singing of the ice around me.

I was frozen to the spot with a thin crust of ice over my face

and holes over my nose and mouth that my breath had kept open.

I was ice-bound in a booming church bell

while warm blood seeped out under the crust of ice

and my soul flowed into a world of warm fantasies and dreams.

I was tossed ashore by the waves like a new-born baby.

Who... What... Who is this?

What's happened to you... little man... How cold... You're frozen...

I don't know what to do...

That looks nasty.

You'll be okay.

I've got a feeling I've seen you before somewhere.

Do you drink at The Grapes in town?

But I'm almost certain...

There...

A little more...

Nice, eh? Yum, yum.

I have seen you somewhere before.

Let me help you.

There. They might be a bit big, but I've got some string here...

You can use it as a belt.

And the jacket... It's excellent quality. There.

Like so... And then in with that arm...

It's warm too. I bought this suit in London in 1951.

What, you've been to London too?

It's a fine city. So, London, eh?

There. Very smart.

Here, boy... Here, boy...

Walk, walk... Stop! Stand... Good!

You can have a drink tonight if you walk. There!

Come to Daddy...

You nearly made it! One more time! Come!

Come on! Take this... It's okay, it's okay...

There! Let's go dancing!

Up again! Come on!

It's possible to talk with damaged or infected vocal cords

if you take it slowly. Let the airflow evenly and gently.

You must try to speak. Say something. Say, for example:

"Fun guy". Let me hear you.

Sorry for laughing.

You can speak. Let's be serious.

Say something simple. "Mum" or something. "Mummy, mummy."

Come on, try. You have to...

...help me out, here. Look, don't get... Let's forget it.

You don't need to talk so much. You can point too.

There's lots of people who just point, and then get what they want.

Have you got the matches?

How the hell did you eat, when you were there for so long?

How did you get your food for the day? Fish?

Yes, yes, but you couldn't have eaten fish every day.

I mean, how did you get your daily bread, so to speak?

Grass?

Ah, you filtered through it...

It's a fantastic story.

Wasn't there ever... Didn't any people come by, or animals?

A bird? An eagle? An eagle!

That took you up... pecked you...

Oh! Right on top of you?

You went under? Take a drop, you might need it.

It's fantastic.

Any good?

I think I recognise you. I know who you are.

Now it's me who seems meek and innocent compared to you.

Relax, it's alright. Relax.

They're just shooting in town. All the riots and fighting...

Time's passed quite quickly since you left.

For as long as you've been away.

Things are so different now. People don't have enough to eat.

There's no food. No eggs, for example.

The hens have fainted or died or escaped, I don't know.

People are troubled.

Nothing's the same now.

But go ahead and eat, it'll be okay.

Eat, you need to eat.

Oh, yes... I know who you are...

Is the length alright? Have a look.

Can't I take a bit off the hair too?

You're such a coquette!

Oh, well... I don't know how good this is...

I think that looks good. Have a look. A little more up here... There.

A little more there... But shouldn't we...?

Okay, okay! Shall we eat?

CLOSING DOWN

Can I have a cigarette?

Halt!

Stop! Stop! Don't shoot!

What? I'm alright. What a reception you get here!

Go on in, it's nothing.

Hi, boys. I'll survive. Get out of here!

I'll be alright, go on, get out of here! Go and say hello to them.

What the...? Where have you sprung from?

My son.

My son. You've returned to the real world.

Behold the ruins of the reality I tried to build for me. And you, of course.

And others, naturally.

My life's work has been destroyed, and I'm...

...ruined.

Everything I've fought for is dead. The hens have gone, the eggs have run out.

My dream, my creation.

This gadget, Nixitch, comes in three sizes: Large, Medium and Small.

It's now just a memory for a handful of idealists...

who refused to let the enemies of civilisation

force them to scratch their arses with their fingers!

Okay, there are problems with food and all that,

but what the hell can I do about it? At least I've had a vision. Haven't I?

Haven't I?

Ovolite, the material that's kind to the skin.

I could start making prosthetics...

I don't care if he has a cellar full of preserved eggs! Let's storm the house!

-Are you with me? -Yes!

Here comes the son!

-Eggs! -Eggs! Eggs!

And you with the gun, go and guard the far entrance.

What the hell is this?

Listen, you must listen to me! Listen to me!

You can get by. You must believe me. You can. You can.

Don't you see?

We must reclaim the earth. We must.

Everything seems so hopelessly destroyed.

But we must be reborn. We must reclaim the earth.

And so we mustn't be choosy.

Have a taste.

It tastes like shit but you can eat it.

Yeah... you can. Guys! You can eat it!

Guys!

It tastes like shit but you can eat it

It tastes like shit but you can eat it

You can eat it It tastes like shit but you can eat it

You can eat it, you can eat it It tastes like shit but you can eat it

You can eat it, you can eat it

You can eat it! You can eat it!

BYE!