All language subtitles for the_bob_newhart_show_s06e09_shallow_throat

Fine. Tell him I'll see him tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Mr. Twilmer. That was an
emergency.

Where were we?

That's exactly where we were.

Mr. Twilmer, it's not unusual for people
who are starting therapy to have a

little trouble opening up.

But, I mean, you've been here for four
sessions and...

And you haven't said one word.

Are you aware that you haven't said one
word?

It didn't work.

You may not think you're saying anything
by not saying anything, but actually

you are. You see, I'm a trained observer
of people, and I've learned a great

deal about you.

There is one piece of information that I
need to complete the picture.

Would you mind if I ask... What the hell
do you want?

Mr. Schwimmer, I'm going to step outside
and I wish you'd do me a favor and not

say anything while I'm gone.

Just checking.

Mr. Schwimmer, it's obvious that I'm not
the person to help you.

I can recommend another psychologist if
you'd like. I'm just... I'd just like to

tell you I'm sorry it didn't work out.

No hard feelings.

You talked. What?

I didn't mean to interrupt. Go ahead.
Well, I didn't mean... Sorry if I was

uncooperative.

I'm really not very much of a talker.
Well, you have a fine voice. Keep

The fact is I could really use somebody.

You know, to talk to?

Oh, that's what I'm here for.

See, I'm all alone in the world. I have
no family, no friends.

I should tell them all of my troubles to
my parrot.

Great listener he was.

I only taught him one thing to say, uh
-huh.

Then he died, and I decided to come see
you.

Uh -huh.

Somehow it's not the same.

Well, I'm sure as we get to know each
other better, you'll get the feeling of

letting yourself go.

I hate my job!

How

did

it feel to let yourself go?

Am I cured?

No.

No, but you're on the right track.

See, the basic ingredient of therapy is
trust.

anything you say to me would never leave
this room.

You mean to tell me that I could say
anything to you?

Absolutely. My patients tell me their
most intimate thoughts and fantasies.

yeah? Like what?

If I told you that, then I'd be
betraying a compliment. Sure, sure.

Well, Doctor, I can assure you, you've
never heard any thoughts or fantasies

like mine.

Weird.

I have this one.

Fantasy about Miss Sanders in the
accounting department?

Mr. Twomer, nothing is too bizarre for
me.

Sometimes I imagine that I'm Napoleon
and Miss Sanders is Wellington.

The Duke of Wellington?

Beef Wellington.

Wish I had a dollar for every time I've
heard the old Beef Wellington fantasy.

Well, yeah.

I have another one, you know.

I have a fantasy in which I imagine I
embezzle funds from the insurance

where I work.

I even worked it out on paper once. You
know, if I had siphoned off $100 a week

the past 25 years, you know how much I'd
have right now? $150 ,000.

Women, greed, I mean, those are natural
fantasies.

Sometimes I imagine I'm a Canadian snow
goose.

Women, greed, geese, that's... We call
it the big three.

What are you doing?

Celebrating.

Celebrating. Oh,

boy.

Would it help me to know what I'm
celebrating?

Mr. Twilmer started talking.

What's the big deal?

I started talking when I was eight years
old.

I bought this $3 cigar. It's from
Uruguay. It's too bad.

What do you mean, it's too bad?

Well, good cigars don't come from
Uruguay. They come from Paraguay.

Paraguay make great cigars.

Uruguay makes great soccer balls.

Well, the guy said it was a great cigar,
Howard.

What nationality was he?

I don't know. He looked Irish.

Irish don't know cigars.

Irish no potatoes.

Howard, Howard, just drop it. You're not
going to ruin the mood I'm in. When

Emily gets home, we're going to go out
and have dinner.

Oh, great.

Well,

I'll call standby and I'll change my
clothes and, well, I'll put the TV

back in the freezer. Where are we going?

Well, there's a new restaurant I've been
meaning to take Emily to. It's

Romanian. Uh -uh.

Romanians don't have good food, Howard?

No, they have great food. They have bad
parking.

Framany Dutch!

Framany Dutch?

How could my kids lose that game?

We had him cold going into the last
inning, and you know what happened?

lucky runs.

I mean, guess what happened to me? A
pass ball, 11 errors, and a bunt. Can

believe it, Bob? 12 runs on a bunt.

It shouldn't be too hard to guess. It
happened at work. And you know what? The

other team deliberately cheated. I mean,
they tried to slow down the game

because they knew that our best hitter
had a dentist appointment at 5 o 'clock.

Why didn't you call the game on iconic
cavities?

That is not funny, Bob.

Okay, all right, all right.

Why don't you, uh...

Just relax, take a shower, and I'll take
you out to this very nice restaurant.

No, no, no restaurants.

I just want to stay home and sulk.

Fine, all right. We'll stay home, we'll
have a nice quiet dinner, and I'll open

a special bottle of wine.

Let's see, what wine goes with sulking?

Hi,

Emily. Ready to go to dinner?

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, we can eat here?

I'm not cooking either.

Oh, well, I'll fix something. I owe you
one.

I'll call standby and change my clothes
and take some TV dinners out of the

freezer.

Emily, why don't you just look at it
this way? You didn't lose. You came in

second place.

Oh, honey.

You opened my favor. Thank you.

Well, I knew the game was important to
you, and I didn't mean to be

Well, I guess I was a little
insensitive, too.

Anything happen at work today?

I'll tell you about it later.

I'll tell you what. Why don't you get
dressed? We'll go to this great

restaurant. I think it'll do you a world
of good.

Well, you're the doctor.

You know, Bob, it's awfully nice having
your own personal shrink in the family.

Okay, Bob, here we are. Let me see. We
have Mexican, meatloaf, and macaroni and

cheese. Take your pick.

We're going out to dinner, Howard.

Emily said we weren't. Well, she changed
her mind.

Okay, well, I'll call standby and...
I'll change my clothes and I'll put

back in the freezer.

I'm sorry, Howard. If you want, you
could cook them for us tomorrow.

I beg your pardon?

I say, if you want, you can cook them
for us tomorrow.

Cook them?

Really, Jerry, isn't this a lot of fuss
over a couple of parking tickets? Sure,

to you, it's a couple of parking
tickets. To me, it's a serious threat to

American way of life.

You just type that letter the way I've
written it.

Oppressors, tyrants, dictators, and
pigs.

City Hall.

Dear gentlemen.

Jerry, I feel foolish just typing this.
Carol, Carol, Carol, we're dealing you

with a serious threat.

Don't you see? Today they're telling me
where to park.

Tomorrow they're telling me how to
think.

Somebody's got to.

I'm fighting to prove that there is
still a significant difference between

side and theirs.

Well, right now, our side has a warrant
out for your arrest.

I'll fight it, Carol.

I'll fight it all the way to the Supreme
Court.

I can just hear the Chief Justice now.

Pull on that constitutional question.

Bring in the parking guy.

I think they refused to pay a ticket for
overnight parking when they were

resurfacing my apartment garage floor.

Jerry, these are tickets for overnight
double parking.

There was no room in the curb.

Did they ever resurface your apartment
garage floor?

Jerry, is this something you've been
wanting to ask me for a long time?

Could you just answer the question?

Think carefully, Bob. The future of this
great land hangs in the balance.

All right, what was the question again?

Did they ever resurface your apartment
garage floor?

Yes. When they did that, where did you
park?

Oh, it's a two -parter.

Mr. Cormorant? Inside.

Sorry, Jerry, I got to run.

Okay, Bob. Say goodbye to your freedoms.

Goodbye, freedoms.

Good morning, Dr. Hartley.

I'm sorry, but I can't stay for the
whole session today.

Oh, that's too bad. Yeah, well, there's
an important meeting down at the office.

I just wanted to stop by to tell you
what a great week I've had. You notice

anything different about me?

Well, you're talking.

Better than that.

The tie.

It was very nice.

Dr. Hartley, every day for the past 25
years I've worn the same dreary black

tie. Today?

Doc Brown.

I feel like a peacock.

It's better than a goose.

Dr. Hartley, I owe all of this to you.

Well, I think you deserve some of the
credit. I mean, after all you took the

chance, you opened up. Yes, but I think
I'm really starting to trust you. In

fact, I trust you so much, I'm going to
tell you something that's really big.

You said I could tell you anything,
right?

That's right, isn't it? All right.

Now, you remember that fantasy that I
was telling you about, the one in which

embezzle company funds?

Oh, the $150 ,000.

What about it?

It's true.

I beg your pardon? I mean, I really did
it.

Yeah. Except now, with the interest,
it's closer to $300 ,000.

Yeah, yeah.

I worked in company payroll, and I...
Just created a phony employee, and I

him $100 a week for 10 years.

And then you stopped?

No, I gave him a raise.

I figured, Doctor, he'd been with us for
10 years, you know, I thought he

deserved it.

Do you realize, Mr. Twomer, you just
confessed grand larceny to me? Ah, yes,

yes, I do realize that.

And you gave me your word that you
wouldn't tell anybody.

Have a nice weekend, Doc.

Finally, Doc.

Hi, Bob. Still celebrating?

No, Howard. I've got a problem. I'd like
to be alone.

Okay.

Howard, what do you do when you're
upset?

Oh, I've got a method. It always works.

I go into a dark room, open up all the
windows, take off all my clothes, and

something cold.

And that solves your problem?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

I do that when I'm overheated.

When I have a problem, I just go to
pieces.

Where's Emily?

Oh, she's got another softball game
today.

Uh -oh, uh -oh, you know how she is when
she loses.

I'm getting out here while the getting's
good.

Oh, Howard, Howard.

What a wonderful day, Howard, Howard.

Oh, aren't you?

Bob, Bob, Bobby, we won both games of a
doubleheader.

Good. Oh, it was terrific.

The first game we barely sleep by 27 to
3.

cliffhanger, huh? Yeah, we were tied to
the last inning.

Then in the first inning of the second
game, we scored 19 times on 22 straight

walks.

Why didn't they change the pitcher?

She had a no -hitter going.

I was thinking all the way home, I kept
saying, I can't wait to tell Bob, oh, I

can just picture the look on his face.

That's not it.

Emily, I'm very happy for you. It's just
that something came up at the office

today. Ah.

Well, you want to talk about it.

I'll take it as far as I can.

I have this patient. I'll call him Mr.

X. Call him.

No, X.

Peterson? X. Emily,

do you want to hear this story or not?
Okay, X.

And in the strictest confidence, he told
me that he had done something illegal.

You mean a patient confessed a crime to
you? And, uh, it's a big problem to me

because I don't know if I should tell
the police.

Well, the answer is simple.

You can't tell on your patient.

But if I don't tell the police, I'm
condoning the crime.

Well, the answer is simple.

You have to turn him in.

But, Emily, it's unethical for me to
betray your confidence.

Well, the answer is simple.

You're up the creek.

out for a walk, and I thought I'd drop
in.

Look, I retire in three days.

Why don't you come back after that?

May I? Why, certainly.

I wish you'd have called first. I could
have had the place tidied up.

I really came here to ask you a
question.

Suppose a person knew that another
person had committed a crime, but for

professional reasons he couldn't say
anything. What would that person do?

Hello?

Well, it's about time you called.

Yeah, I want three chocolate, two
glazed, and a jelly.

Hey, look, Terry, it's Harry Bradley.

Smiths. Oh, a doctor.

Nice touch.

I must look exactly like somebody else.

Now, we're over in our little chat,
Harry.

What I want to know is, how could I tell
you about a crime without telling you

about the crime?

Okay. What crime are we talking about
here?

I'm not sure I can tell you that.

What are you, a priest or something?

Something like that.

Why don't we guess some crimes and you
tell us if we're right?

What letter does the crime start with?

That starts with a nine.

Bombing.

Bombing isn't a crime. If the guy's
still alive.

How about embezzlement?

Embezzlement, I got it. Hey, where'd it
go, Farge? Is it bigger than a bread

box?

Is what bigger than a bread box? The
only question I could think of.

Okay.

Now we know somebody who embezzled.

The only thing we've got to do is guess
who the guy is.

Out of four million people in this city.

Oh, boy, this is fun.

Come on, let's go.

Sergeant, what would you do if you knew
something incriminating about someone,

but you couldn't tell anybody because
you promised them you wouldn't?

Oh, I think I see what your problem is.

You can't decide whether you want to be
a stoolie or not.

I think I've made my decision. Sorry for
taking up so much time.

I'll get over it.

Oh, by the way, good luck with your
problem.

Oh, thanks. Good luck on your
retirement.

Thank you.

I'll be glad to get away from the
weirdos and maniacs that walk through

door.

You can't do this to me. I'm a citizen.

I'm a taxpayer.

I bet it is, too.

I must have my mind on something else.
Oh, that's okay, Bob. I can always use

for shorthand.

Oh, Jer, Jer, you're on the outside
again.

Yeah, Carol, I've paid my debt to
society.

But you know, that kind of experience
changes a man.

Prison is hideous.

Food is slop. The guards are tough.

It was this crazy guy in my cell who
kept me awake all night with some dumb

puzzle about an embezzler.

Jerry, I offered to put a bail in. I
know about it.

But there was a principle at stake.

You know, this morning when I faced that
judge, my spirit soared with the song

of a man who knows his cause is just.

They'll not soon forget the name Jerry
Robinson.

Well, what happened?

I paid my fine in pennies.

That's showing them.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen.

Nobody knows the trouble he is.

Now, Dr. Hartley, I've got something
really exciting to tell you.

Carol, no calls, no interruptions.

You know, the past 24 hours have been
very hard for me. Well, Dr. Hartley,

forget about it. You don't have to worry
about me anymore.

Throw yourself on the mercy of the
court?

Nope. Throw myself on the beaches of
Rio.

Take all my money, and I'm flying to
Brazil. I just came by here to say bye.

Bye. Mr.

Twomer, are you sure you're prepared for
this move?

I got my vaccination, got the little
pills for the bad water. No.

Are you sure that you'll be happy in
Brazil?

Are you kidding me?

Sandy beaches, blue water, sun -bronzed
women.

Yeah, there's that. There's also
something you're going to be taking

you.

Guilt. Okay.

Sandy beaches, sun -bronzed women, and
guilt.

Bye. You can't leave me with this.

Dr. Hartley, I wanted to keep quiet.
You're the one that made me open up,

remember? I thought I was going to help
you. I thought I was going to change

your life.

Well, now I'm wearing bow ties and I'm
flying to Brazil.

Nice work. Thanks a lot.

Oh, uh...

Dr. Hartley, if you ever come down to
Brazil, just ask for the rich gringo

the great tan.

Of course, you could still turn me in.

Well, I don't approve of what you're
doing, but I promised you I wouldn't, so

won't. You better get on your way.

What if I told you, Dr. Hartley, that I
didn't take the money?

What if I told you that was just a test
to see if you could really be trusted

before I opened up?

Does it make you feel angry?

Anything else?

Relieved.

Matter of fact, relieved is just
overtaken anger.

There's one more.

Happy.

I'm happy you didn't take the money. Ah,
wait a minute.

I didn't exactly say that. I said, what
if?

I didn't take the money.

Anger is making a comeback.

All right, all right, all right, all
right, doctor.

I didn't do it. I didn't take the money.

Trust me.

Okay, I will.

All right.

Will you still keep me on as a patient?

Of course I will. Okay, good, good,
good.

But from now on, nothing but the truth.

Okay, so help me.

I'm sorry, really, that I had to put you
through all that, but, you know, now

that I'm sure I can really trust you,
Dr. Hartley, I want to tell you about my

real problem.

Go on.

You see, I'm from the planet Lothar.

It's in the Galoo galaxy.

How long are you going to be in town?