Original subtitles

Who loves me even though I'm crazy?

And nothing that I say is true.

Who won my heart and soul forever? It's nobody else but, nobody else

but. Each time I feel I'm out to pasture.

Who always makes me feel brand new?

I'm pledging my allegiance, baby, to nobody.

Say it. No.

Just let me hear it. No.

No, come on, come on. Spit it out.

Why can't you ever admit you're wrong? I mean, look at yourself.

You're swinging six ways from Sunday. I'm fine.

You never listen to me.

You're going to wear yourself out with this benefit.

It's for a very worthy cause.

Yeah, crucial.

Look. The Hawaiian hula retirement home houses over 40 women who have given

their hips to island entertainment.

And I am their only voice.

Aren't you the big kahuna? Hey!

Plus, you've got the new album and the concert and Rose's school stuff. Oh, my

God. What time is the soccer game today?

I'll go.

I'll go.

You don't have time to go to the bathroom.

I went last August.

to be.

Just admit that you put too much on your plate.

I'm fine.

I'll tell you something else.

Forty -eight.

Forty -nine.

Will you stop that? Thirty -one. Here.

Just ease up a little, okay? Just for today.

Okay, okay.

My shrink. I have a shrink appointment at four. I'll cancel. I'll cancel my

shrink. Oh, please, God, no.

Excuse me for trying to become a complete human being.

Do you think you're the only person who can save the world?

I mean, your ego is astonishing.

I have no ego.

And if you don't believe me, ask my millions of adoring fans.

Just three words. I was wrong. Can you just give me that? How about I give you

two words?

You will rue the day that you... I rue this...

is something else.

The number for the big benefit?

Yes, I may be.

And?

Oh, it's just impossible, that's all.

Who? I don't want to talk about it, Connie.

And?

Oh, excuse me, Professor Roy.

I'll tell you what I'll give you a Ph .D. in.

Kissing my ass, okay?

What? I don't want to talk about it, okay?

Are you ready? Yes. Let's go.

And?

Oh, God, now I'm completely flummoxed. What are we singing?

Happy Talk.

on these gestures?

Surprise me. Okay.

Happy talk, keep talking, happy talk.

Talk about things you like to do.

My fingers don't look happy.

Do my fingers look happy to you?

Oh, very much so, yes.

Are you just humoring me? Very much so, yes.

Happy talk, keep talking, happy talk.

Oscar, give me your socks.

Has she been overtaxing herself again?

Well, she had leaves in her hair and demanded my thoughts.

I see.

Well,

it's nothing serious, but if you want to sing at that benefit, you won't be able

to talk for at least another 24 hours.

Here you go, sweetheart. Now, is there anything else you need before we go?

It's a straw. She wants a straw.

There we go. All right, soldier on, love. There we are.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hey.

You know, I was feeling really bad about how we left things this morning, so I

figured I'd stop home for lunch.

Oh, what? You're not speaking to me now?

That's just great.

Really very mature.

You know, you have to be one of

the most childish, stubborn people I have ever met.

Oh, hold on.

What? She is? Oh, would you hold on, Bette? Barbara Streisand's on the other

line.

But never mind. Looks like my problem's been solved.

But thanks anyway. Maybe next time. Bye -bye.

Oh, really?

That was terrible.

Yes, I know. Yes.

Oh, the poor thing. Oh, I know.

I do a good Penny Marshall. Go on, go on.

All night long.

So, what's on your mind today?

Oh, Roy.

You had a fight.

Oh, look, if this is about the toilet seat again, I just can't.

Something bigger?

Oh, go on.

Oh, he treats you like a child.

Did you two discuss this?

all out the window again.

Do you think your problems with Roy go back to your issues with communication?

Okay, I've talked to you about speaking to me like that.

Let's go back.

We tend to set our relationship patterns early in life. Do you remember your

first boyfriend?

You were a teenager back in Hawaii. Yes, go on. What were you like?

But then one day...

A boy.

Oh, what was he like?

Oh, hang ten, moon doggy.

Tell me about your first date.

The night of the dance.

The prom.

The luau.

It started to rain and rain and rain and there were waves and a storm, a

terrible blowing wind storm.

up with you he broke your heart tell me more

I think we've made a real breakthrough today.

I'll bill you for the lamp.

Oh, hang on. I'll ride down with you. I've got an appointment downstairs.

My nutritionist is in this building.

He's put me on this all -legume diet.

You have no idea how many things you can do with lentils once you put your mind

to it.

offshore drilling in the Malibu Dolphin Sanctuary.

So far, approaching me is one of this town's brightest stars.

Beth, are you here to lend your support to the protesters?

In other words, you're here in support of the oil companies.

You heard it here first. The Divine Miss M has sanctioned dolphins to an oily

death.

You just can't keep her mouth shut.

Fine. Just have the photographers there in the morning. Thank you.

Okay. Damage control. We've got to be in Malibu at six. You're in hair and

makeup by seven. You're riding dolphins by eight.

So shave your legs and look friendly.

I know, sweetheart.

You've had quite a day, haven't you? But maybe you should ease up a little bit.

I mean, what I'm really saying here is don't you think maybe Roy was right?

Yes, he was right. Are you going to tell him?

Well, what are you going to do? Just keep pretending you're not talking to

All right, fine. Do what you want to do. I got to go.

Because I have to go.

Because I have a date.

Well, I could.

Hi. Hiya, sweetie.

Your mother's lost her voice.

Somewhere an angel's just got his wings.

Lee, you were overdoing it. Daddy was right.

Oh, he is too, my father.

You really lost your voice?

Like, totally.

Okay, Mom.

Let's talk.

I really hated lying to you about this, and... Wow, this is hard.

Now I'm not smoking.

No.

You spelled it wrong, but I'm not.

It's just one G.

Mom, here's the thing.

I never saw Drowning Mona.

I know.

I know. I said I did, and I tried. I really tried. But I was the only one in

theater, and it was kind of creepy with just me and all those, you know,

thieves.

And still I managed to stay for like ten minutes of it.

I said, geez, Mom, come on. What were you thinking?

All right, sweetie, I'm going. Would you just do everybody a favor and make

peace with your husband?

Hello?

She still mad?

She didn't say.

So, how's my little Hawaiian honey bun?

You doing okay?

Mm -hmm.

Really? No kidding.

Is that so?

So, it's finally come to this, huh?

You know, I always heard about couples running out of things to say to each

other, but, uh...

You know, I never thought it could possibly happen to us.

Brother, what a chump I am.

Oh, well.

I was wrong.

I'm sorry, what?

Rose told me.

Touchdown, Roy!

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Just don't say a word.

And remember, sometimes I know what I'm talking about, all right?

Now, you're going to be very quiet, and let me take care of you for the rest of

the night, all right?

Come here.

And she had some A chicken -ass thing, a goldfish with a milk and apple.

Traveller. No

pop,

no fun.

You.

Nobody but you.